Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people think history has nothing or little to tell us [5]


Yoyr prompt refersto history which can be both ancient or recent. So it is wiese not to narrow it down.
Also, you better state your opinion in the introduction itself. Generally, it is good to follow the following format for the intrduction;
Hook, Background of the issue , Your position

Writing Feedback / Reasons for overweight children in developed countries... [4]

Are you peeoaring for IELTS or TOEFL? It's good to include your pupose of writing in the topic because it helps others to align their feedbacks with task related requirements.


....don't write numbers when writing essays unless it is for mentioning dates or years.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Students benefit from going to private secondary school? [5]


It's good to express your view straight away. Then the reader would follow your essay in your desired direction.


Private schools have more resources comparatively in terms of teaching staff and other facilities. Therefore theyvare in a position to provide their students with better atention.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A/D Challenges are different from generation to generation [4]


People have different opinions about generation gap.


This is the sentence that talks of the background of the argument, and hence it should be more specific to give a clear idea about the argument.

Writing Feedback / City living or country living? advantages and disadvantages [3]

I guess youare preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. It's always good to include the purpose (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) so that it's easy for us to provide you with moretask related feedbacks. If this is forsuch purpose , then you need to improveyour essay structure. Also please post this type essays into Writing feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (a letter)- Request for a one-day leave [5]


Sorry....there are some typos in my post. This what I actually meant;
I reqire one full day to help him with this task and forthcoming Monday would be the best day to take that day off.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Bar graph; How people invested money [2]

Hi
Where is the graph? Use the "Attach file (s)" feature in your message screen to uplord your graph.
Also follow this structure;
Introduction -you've done it good
Overview- Describe the main trends
Details - Disuss more details with statistics.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world [4]


Very good hook.


....before stating your opnion, introduce the background if the argument. This is how it should go;
Hook - Background - Your position


Thisvis not adding much value to your essay coz the reader anyway expects you to do it. Finish your intro with stating your position.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (a letter)- Request for a one-day leave [5]


I dont say this is wrong. However, I feel you should have kept it more general without narrowing down to a college set up because this a general English proficiency test. The "prof" part should have been ommitted.


I shall be greatful if you could grant me a day off on ???????? ( type date) for the purpose of assisting my best friend with one of his urgent study committment. ... this is official letter and therefore type the exact date.


...
he is required to submit a report ....


This is fine. I wish you includedcsomething to say about the significance as to why it is so important to submiton time. For example how uts going to help his carreer etc.

Writing Feedback / Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people [3]


I definetely support this argument.
Well.... you have ahook and you have clearly expressed your opinion. However, you have not discussed about the background of the issue. It is important to inlude that in your introduction.

Pls post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; people prefer to repeat the same things and avoid changes [4]


...a good idea for a catchy hook;
Life is subjected to dynamism and therefore the change is inevitable.


I feel itbwould have been better if you presented this idea in a more simpler manner.
Also, please post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; SUCCESS DEPENDS ON THEORITICAL KNOWLEDGE? [6]


Well....your response to this task, in my view, should take a different format. It should not be a direct answer, but should be oresented like a well structured essay. This is the structure I suggest;

Introduction - hook, background of the argument, your position
2 body paragraphs - reason + example for holding such position
Conclusion

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Population control is one of the greatest concerns in this current environment [6]


Yes....it is good to include your task prompt in your essay response because the we exactly know what it requires and we can align our comments with it requirements.


Government is respnzible / government has a responsibility


I agree with their view.
View is a better term to use there.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 2: How far do you agree with this latter statement? [3]


Project assignments
Good introduction.


...this sentence is not grammatically correct.
Teachers are not able to ensure whether the students do the work themselves.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual. [4]

Firstly, people can help to save our planet by driving cars less often.
=DYDXY]A recent authoritative survey indicates that nearly one third of petrol consumption is on cars every year.[/quote]
So if we take public transportationstransportation more frequently instead of driving a car,cars there will probably be a huge decrease on the fuel consuming and then slow the pace of the energy on earth running out.

Speeches / I know I'm still considered as a new student here ; Speech for my english class [4]


....which is not really a sufficient time to get to know somebody.


....
Travelling, photography and basketball are the three things that keep my leisure time inspired.


Well...I don't think there is a definition about expert travellers. So I suggest you to put it this way;
I'm not the type of traveller who would travel and earn money at the same time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1-Describing changes taking place at an island [2]

Where are thd maps? You should have uploaded them using the " attach file" feature . It's good to have it because then we can understand what it presents.

Also, make sure you post all IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:UNIVs pay attention to sports and social activities as the educational issues? [5]


Nowadays there are many universities


This sentence is poorly constructed to convey your idea. Apart from the few grammar mistakes, its clarity too is not there. Try to construct shorter sentence for the start and once you get a good grip of writing , espcially with grammer, then move on to more comlex sentences.

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast your way of live with your parents [3]


We are now living in the age of information and communication technology where the world runs at a very faster pace.


...this is implied by the previous sentence . So it becomes redundant.


rapid growth

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: job has more effect on your happiness; brings the sense of accomplishment [4]


I have seen many people begin their essays like this. However, I find it's not an interesting hook that has the ability to impress your reader. Write something that's more catchy.

[quote=Hsinyu]The most critical reason for such an assertion is that happiness is easy to get if we find the job that we really love and can dedicateddedicate ourselves to it.[/quote

Writing Feedback / Working in supplementary task besides studying at high school may bring benefits [2]

I think you need to pay attention to the essay structure. Your introduction should contain three main parts. The hook, back ground of ypur issue, and finally your position on the argument.

In your body paragraphs, give reasons for you position and supprt them with specific examples.
in the conclusion , make your final statement regarding your position.

Undergraduate / 'I feel best being with my family'. COMMON APP [3]


.... I am a little confused with the first section - Being just seventeen years old. I think it would sound better without that part;
Since very young age, I have been told to enjoy every moment of my childhood while staying happy before the hectic adult life would soon invade my life.


Be it partying at friends' bar mitzavahs in the middle school or riding roller coasters at Disney World, I still cherish all those happy carefree moments.

Writing Feedback / People visit museums when they travel to new places; 'National Museum of Iraq' [6]


Yes.... I too can't figure out what you really try to mean. My advice for you is not to take risks with your hook, which is intended to give a punch to the reader and grab his attention to you. Try phrases with what you are very confident. Also make sure they are presented with good clarity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1:Complain letter about an online purchase [2]


Well....complaint is something negative. Generally, we try not to start with a negtive note. So, first you introduce the backgound of the problem and the lodge the complaint.


This worried me and I decided inquire about the status of delivery. The customer analyst who attended to my inquiry was Ann Santos who failed to provide me with a clear explaination.

Speeches / Introducing my self at a job interview; Speech Writing [3]


If you are the job seeker, you generally tend to respect the interviewing panel. So, "hi all" is not really appropriate in this case. " you should try something like, Good morning Sir!


It's nice to make a general statement about your fsmily background. Something like -
I come from a middle class family

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - line graph (UNEMPLOYMENT RATES IN THE US AND JAPAN) [4]


This sentence is enough to introduce your graph. The rest should move to the other para to give an overview about it. Then in the next para, give more details such as statistics, comparisons etc. If you have these 3 parts, then it's qiute sufficient for you to score well.

Undergraduate / I have just finished the Lion King a moment ago ; meaningful movie - Columbia [5]

Ok....the problem is that you introduce your step father all of a sudden. You have mentioned nothing about him before this sentence. However you have talked about your father and no connection made in this regard. Tell what happened to your father and how your stepfather entered into your life.

Writing Feedback / IETLS General Task 1: You have taken apart time job. issue with them and its solution [8]


I am now developing a fear that I would not be able to cope with both study and work due to the distance I am now required to travel that consumes lots of time.


As you are aware


I find too many grammar mistakes in this task response. You need to be very careful with that and should not let it go out of hand. My suggestion for you is to write shorter sentences. Avoid too much details and give priority to your main idea.

Writing Feedback / Petition to University administration/ GRE analyze [6]


... lacking in the fact????? do you mean that author's argument lacks factual evidence?


.... I wish if you refrained from writing incomplete sentences like this one. Your response should flow more logically to prove that you are a person with sound analytic skills.


... well, 15% of students' time - it is already mentioned

Speeches / Should controversial foods be allowed to protect a nation's tradition or culture? [4]

Well, as I understand "controversial food" refers to the food that are of controversial nature. For example, they may have unwanted risk of toxicity, unwanted risk of adverse reaction etc. Such foods include beef, shrimp,Soya food etc. If you google on this topic, you may find many useful articles that help you prepare for this debate.

Try this link , you may find evidence ;
whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=george&dbid=332

Writing Feedback / IETLS General Task 1: You have taken apart time job. issue with them and its solution [8]


.... this has several grammar issues :(
I am writing this letter to inform you about the difficulties I am currently experiencing with my part time job as a typist in your office.


Earlier I was able to manage my studies with part time working without any problem because I did not have any issue with timings and location that didn't clash at all.

Letters / Motivation letter for student - visa application [3]

Well ... is this letter for your student visa? And is it addressed to your visa officer?
If this is for your visa, I think this may not be the format that you need to do the covering letter. (I really don't know the requirement, so please disregard my opinion if it is wrong). But generally the visa officers are not keen about your detailed academic career or aspirations. All what they need to know the purpose of your stay (in this case it is studies - so mention what you are going to study , uni etc.), intended stay (duration of the program), your accommodation details (where you stay and who's paying the cost), your financial background (how would you meet the expenses of your studies and other living expenses)... They are interested in knowing that you have a genuine reason for the entry to their country and you will return once your objective is met.

Undergraduate / "Come see, quickly!" Common App essay on experiencing failure [3]


I agree with bkim2468. It's a bit overdone! Your focus should be on describing your failure and how it affected you as a person. So, I too suggest you to identify the points that would respond to the prompt directly and bring them in your writing much sooner. My suggestion does not mean that you should take off all your emotions out from your response. But take off parts that really do not contribute to your case.

Undergraduate / I have just finished the Lion King a moment ago ; meaningful movie - Columbia [5]


I just finished the Lion King a moment ago and now I find the connections have begun to form.


... I don't understand this part :( Why you mention about a step-father. He was never in the scene and suddenly appeared here. I find hard to have a connection with this and the rest of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Now many employees have the option to telecommute - why? [7]


Moreover, the employers too promote this trend due to several benefits they gain out of this approach.


.... Instead of this, briefly mention the points you are going to discuss in your body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about the effects of future developments in the field of IT [5]

Hi,
First, please open your IELTS related topics in the Writing Feedback forum. It's the forum rule and it also helps you earn more attention of others when you are in the right forum.


Express your position firmly rather than keeping it more open.

Graduate / Exercise and living a healthy lifestyle is my greatest passion in life; PT 2013 [3]


.... Well, how about saying that keeping fit is your greatest passion and therefore you love doing physical exercises?


.... I feel this a good point to get a start.
I feel you can do away with the first sentence completely. It is just a statement and the rest you talk through your experience and character. That part is much more convincing and very creative too. That's just a suggestion :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Impact made by fast food on our lives [7]


Sounds a bit too crowded with too many words. Present it with more clarity and in a simple interesting manner.


...which influenced the people to rely on fast foods instead of cooking their own meals at home.


.... another long sentence again :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Factory near your community/ Advantages & Distadvantages [3]


This sentence does not add much value to your introduction. You better present it with more grip. Tell that it has both positive and negative effects. Then dedicate one body para to talk about positives and the other for the negatives.


a lot of job opportunities


.... this sentence does not have any grammar problems. However, do not lengthen your sentences too much because you would be carried away at the end may tell irrelevant things. Also, the reader needs to remember lots of details and therefore may become exhausted and lose interest.

Writing Feedback / Student behavior has became major problem in world .causes and solution . [6]

What's the purpose of this essay? Are you preparing for IELTS, TOEFL or what? It's better you mention the purpose so that we can align our comments with the task related requirements. Also, include the prompt in your post so that it helps us understand what it expects from you.

Now a days both parents are working to meet their financial needs and oftenlymore often they do not get time to intractinteract.
There is no word "oftenly". It should be "often"