Undergraduate / FU Essay - Significant experience/Achievement - Revisions Needed [3]

Good evening :)

You've done a fine job explaining why this sport is important to you, but not so much time talking about how it has impacted you. What have you gained from your experiences with tennis? Physical strength, agility, friendly competition? Have you met new people that have improved your life? More introspective reflection and evaluation will make this piece much better.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Gastronomy is much more than just a hobby for me - extracurricular mini-essay [4]

Good evening :)

OK, to start off, make sure you are properly capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. As such, "Creative Writing" shouldn't be capitalized.

Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but."

"Everytime" is two words: "every time."

Why is it repeated twice?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Choose one of the following transportation vehicles - essay, change lives [6]

Good evening.

As with your other posts, my main concerns are mechanics and grammar. Please see my suggestions for assistance in these areas. Here are some corrections for the first section to get you started:

"One of the most important human inventions is transportation. Transportation of not only people, but of information as well. We can imagine that many discoveries would never have been found if it were not for transportation. What kind of transportation has changed our lives the most of all? No other mode of transportation has developed so many varieties and benefits as that of the automobile."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'traffic jam, noisy neighborhood' - New movie theater may be built [3]

First, what exactly is a "fashion hobby?" What do you mean here?

What does "How owners of movie theater will attract more people to their owns, if most movie theaters show the same films in same time" mean? I don't understand; please clarify.

How does one show a film "in same time"? I am confused; please clarify.

Make sure you are using the proper linking verbs, article adjectives, and conjunctive words, as they are the "glue" that will hold your essay together. For instance, "Usually people go to a movie theater..."

My main concern here is your grammar; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors. To help with this, there are many guides online that can help you, as well as some great books. I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

Undergraduate / "trying for the best university in the world" - Uc Prompt #2 [3]

Good evening.

Well, you can't have a score "in" an exam; you can have one "on" an exam, so that will help the awkwardness of that sentence.

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "wasn't" should be "was not."

Make sure you are properly capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For example, "Science Debates" shouldn't be capitalized.

Generally, unless you are being ironic or using sarcasm, titles of things don't need to be enclosed in quotation marks. When you do use them, make sure your punctuation is always included inside of them, not outside.

"...my "tries" in a new land..." The word "tries" is awkward here; how about "attempts?"

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Study abroad program in Nicaragu - Uc Prompt #2. Need Complete Revision [2]

First, make sure your words and sentences aren't redundant. For example, "I started thinking about how I felt before I left for Nicaragua, and the experience that will forever be imprinted in my memories. My first thought was the anticipation that I felt the night before the trip; tossing and turning, not being able to go to sleep. Then came the recollection of my initiative feeling of hesitation that I felt when it was time for me to leave for Nicaragua" needs to be reworded. Also, count how many times you use "Nicaragua"; is each one necessary?

Second, make sure you are properly capitalizing all proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "states" should be capitalized.

Make sure your spelling is correct; for instance, "I-Pods" should be "iPods."

Avoid run-on sentences. For instance, "...or how they want more money to shop for things they obviously do not need, and I just smile to myself because I knew that thanks to my experience, I learned a new form of appreciation" needs to be broken up into shorter sentences.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Pls. help revise essay: The person who has great influence on me [3]

Good evening.

A few suggestions. First, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Math" and "Grade" shouldn't be capitalized.

"Logic" should be "logical."

Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "so."

Now, go back through the piece and check for more situations such as these before you turn your paper in.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "DARPA Grand Challenge" - Lehigh Short Essay [2]

Good evening :)

I won't ever "tear you down." :) Constructive criticism, now, that's my forte :)

"As I researched different colleges, I decided to apply to Lehigh because it presents academic rigor in a cordial environment. Lehigh offers a first rate education, but it also drives students to seek their ambitions. I am particularly impressed by the Integrated Business and Engineering program, which offers a brilliant foundation for entrepreneurial initiatives in the field of technology. Lehigh, however, does not encourage cutthroat competition. Instead, it mimics the real world by emphasizing fruitful collaboration. Lehigh also offers opportunities for teams to work on different projects such as the "DARPA Grand Challenge".This shouldn't be enclosed in quotation marks.

Undergraduate / "the happy and healthy world" -UC essays #1 and #2 [2]

Good afternoon :)

In regards to the first piece, as long as it fits the word count requirement, I'd leave it alone. It's not too wordy, it's not too long, and you use the space effectively.

In regards to the second piece, avoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "but." In regards to content, I think it is a wonderful answer to the prompt. You stick to the topic and explain how the experience of having her in your life has influenced you. Your last sentence describes how it makes you proud. I think these are both great pieces. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I can never know everything, but with what I know, I can accomplish anything" - essay check [2]

Good evening :)

I have provided some general comments in regards to mechanics in this piece.

First, when using titles of books and articles, make sure you are properly formatting them; check with your required citation style to see how they should be formatted, because they require different formats.

Make sure you start a new paragraph each time you switch discussion topics. For instance, "I have been through different situations in life that molded the knowledge that I have right now" should be the beginning of a new paragraph.

Make sure you don't use run-on sentences. For instance, "As what Petricic said, "Teachers were supposed to encourage me with their wisdom and compassion," my teachers have been my inspiration and would not learn from school if it were not for my hardworking teachers" should be broken up into smaller sentences.

Make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences only. For instance, "Math" shouldn't be capitalized.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "don't" should be "do not."

I also suggest running the piece through a spell-checking program such as Word or the Mozilla web browser, just in case, before submission.

As the assignment was not included in your posting, I am not sure whether or not this piece is a good response to the prompt. I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Born in Peru" - Need Help On Personal Statement Prompt #1 [9]

Good afternoon :)

What if you discussed your version of the American Dream? What is it you want to do with with your education? How will that get you a better life? What kinds of positive influences are your family members? How have they provided you with the strength you speak of?

Hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / comparing essay: Machiavelli & Sheikh Mohamad Bin Rashid [4]

Good afternoon :)

That is where your brainstorming comes in; the "hard work" of the assignment. Try brainstorming on your own by making a list of things that are similar and different between the two pieces; what about themes, tone, language usage, and, as you state specifically, "the people and how they control the people." List how these controls are the same and different; how are the people similar and different?

The content has to come from you; we're here to help you with mechanics and assistance once you've written the piece.

Best of luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1, My life at a boarding school [6]

Good afternoon.

A few things on the mechanical front first. Watch your tense; you begin your piece in the future first person, and then switch to the first person past tense. In formal academic writing pieces such as this, make sure that you stick with one tense throughout your whole piece. Second, avoid slang words such as "Gagandeep;" they are not appropriate in formal academic writings such as this one; also, your admissions board might not always know what it/they mean. :)

In regards to content, this is a good example that answers the prompt well. How has this boarding school experience shaped your future? What about it has given you the courage/strength to dream your dreams, to make them happen? What if you never went to boarding school? Would you have the same goals, be the same person? A little more reflective evaluation and analysis about you is what this piece needs. You've done a good job describing the event, now spend a little more time talking about its effect on you, and the piece will be much improved.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / choose an activity that reveals something about you---needs proofreading. [2]

Good afternoon :)

See me comments on your other postings in regards to mechanical corrections, as they apply here as well.

In regards to content, it is a good story, but unfortunately there seems to be more focus on the event than how it has impacted you. Spend some more evaluative time at the end on how you have changed; what did this event reveal about you? Did you find something out about yourself that you didn't know before? Was it a good revelation or a bad one? A little more introspection and this piece will be much improved.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Journalism - MACAULAY ADMISSION ESSAY: needs proofreading [4]

Good afternoon :)

I think if you rework the essay to stick to your topic it will be much stronger.

Your question could be something to the effect of "What are the most important things essential to your way of life?"

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Gillian and Mum' - Creative Writing - help needs to be proof read [6]

I see. I've edited the first section and then made some general comments in regards to the rest of the piece:

"Looking through a box that hadn't been opened in many years, I came across a photo of a teenager about sixteen. She had mid length curly blonde hair, braces, a pink dress, and black polished shoes. She sat alone at a table.

"Gillian, how about you go have a dance with your sister? It is her twenty-first birthday, " Mum asks me as I stare at the ground. "I don't want to, " I reply. She sighs but walks away. I look up. My sister is walking over now.You've changed tenses here; choose either present tense or past, but stay there throughout the peice. "Gillian, please come have a dance. " She outstretches her hand to me, but I don't take it. "I don't know anybody here Georgina, " I say to her. "Well, come with me, I'll introduce you. " She pulls me up and I'm off at a half run behind her. She is talking to everybody so easily. Why can't I be like that? She is trying to include me and I am grateful for that but I just don't know what to say. I take my hand back and go and sit back down. After awhile somebody catches my eye. He has short brown hair pushed up at the front and messed at the back; h e is wearing a blue jacket, a white undershirt with washed denim jeans. He is smiling. I am stuck staring at him. It's like my eyes are magnets and I can't pull away. He looks around the room and looks right at me. Our eyes stare into each other. I don't want to look away but I do. I get up and walk outside. I had never had that feeling before. I had never had the feeling of someone looking at me when there are others around. I am used to being invisible. I had never had the feelingTense. towards someone so strong and overpowering."

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Otherwise, there are many free guides online.

Also, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. As such, "Daddy's" shouldn't be capitalized.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / People with scars - UC Prompt #1, Too Off Topic? Inappropriate? [7]

I think with those corrections and a little more introspective evaluation as to how this experienced has has shaped your dreams and aspirations, I think it would be a very appropriate submission. Depending on the outcome of the rest of your application process, I think it could definitely be a positive influence in your admission.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Because of his lack of English - Vanderbilt Essay - Revise/Critique [2]

Good evening :)

First, some mechanical comments. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; instead of "it's," write out "it is."

Avoid using transitory/conjunctive words such as "and," "but," or "because" as the beginnings of sentences.

...called "The American Dream."

I don't think it's too long-yet. You've got a good intro and conclusion, and the body fits those lengths as it is. If you would like to add more, perhaps a little more introspection and evaluation as to how he and his history have influenced you would be appropriate. Otherwise, it is a great piece!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Gillian and Mum' - Creative Writing - help needs to be proof read [6]

Good evening :)

To check spelling and grammar, I suggest you run the piece through a program with these capabilities such as Word or the Mozilla web browser.

Without the specifics of the assignment, I will be unable to assist you further.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / People with scars - UC Prompt #1, Too Off Topic? Inappropriate? [7]

Good evening.

A few thoughts. First, I know it is hard, but refrain from using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Instead of "it's," write out "it is."

Avoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "and," "but," or "because."

I like the original last paragraph. I suggest adding the bit about becoming a teacher or doctor to help others, but I think the first writing of it is very honest and reflective of your true intent. Really, in the end it's up to you, but I find the first one very revealing and intense.

Overall the piece is very powerful; you write with the conviction of someone who has lived what you are writing, and that is very potent material. Keep writing from your heart and you will do great.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / From China - with College Education - Jacksonville University essay revise. [4]

Good evening.

A few thoughts. First, this sentence is redundant: "I will be part of the first generation in my family to go to college, as well as the first person in my family to ever go to college." Rewrite it to "I will be part of the first generation in my family to go to college" or " I will be the first person in my family to ever go to college." One or the other, but not both.

Second, who/what is Gof?

Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentence, as such, "Interact" and "club" should both be capitalized, and "Elementary Education" shouldn't be.

In regards to the content, it is a good answer to the prompt. Sometimes it is difficult to get your point across with such a restrictive word count requirement.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC essay #1: Living in Orange County [2]

Good evening.

I think you've got a great answer to the prompt here. You describe what it is that has influenced you, and given a good explanation of it. The only suggestion I can make here is to avoid using the pronoun "you." Instead, try using "me," I," or "one."

Best of luck!

Essays / comparing essay: Machiavelli & Sheikh Mohamad Bin Rashid [4]

Good evening.

I suggest you begin with a rough outline. List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.

Once you have all of that completed, you can rough-in the conclusion and introduction.

I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Black and White personalities - UC Prompt Numero Uno [2]

Good evening :)

A few suggestions. First, make sure you are properly formatting the titles of the books you mention. Generally, this means enclosing them in quotation marks.

Avoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "and" or "but."

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "hadn't" should be "had not."

Make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences; as such, "Education" shouldn't be capitalized.

You do a good job of answering the prompt; you give your reason and then explain it very well. Your piece is well organized, and the flow is smooth. Besides the few mechanical corrections, I wouldn't change anything.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Writing is the basis for all education and is too often overshadowed in schools today [2]

Good afternoon :)

What is the prompt for this assignment?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'The lights flickered back and forth as I sat in my seat.' Personal quality - did i go off topic? [3]

The main issue I see here is that of tense. You switch back and forth from past to present tense, something that really should only be done in creative writing pieces. In formal academic writing, choose one tense and then stay there throughout the piece.

In regards to content, this is a very well organized piece with good flow. Your topic is good for the response, and you do a great job illustrating for your audience.

Undergraduate / UC Promt: 'sacrifice and adversity' - freshman applicants [2]

Make sure you are using proper spacing. For instance, "...next day , while..." should
be "...next day, while..."

You've done a fine job illustrating your world and how it has shaped your vision of your future. The piece is well organized and flows easily. Your introduction is interesting, and your conclusion wraps the piece up nicely. With just a little more polishing I think you'll be ready for submission. Nice work.

Undergraduate / Journalism - MACAULAY ADMISSION ESSAY: needs proofreading [4]

Make sure that you stick to your topic; I'm not sure what the Spanish Club or tennis has to do with journalism; either link them directly or remove them from the piece altogether.

Make sure you are properly using capitalization; only proper nouns and the first words of sentences should be capitalized. For instance, "Pen Pal" shouldn't be capitalized; neither should "To Do."

Without a prompt it is difficult to see if your piece is a good response to it or not, but if you stay on one single subject throughout the whole piece, it will flow much better. As it is, your audience will continue to try and see what the Spanish club and tennis have to do with your piece. Other than that, you do a good job of explaining your meaning and explaining to your audience how important writing and journalism is to you.

Undergraduate / 'I knew little about my grandpa' - Texas Lutheran University admission essay [3]

I'm not sure if it's a type or not, but you have question marks (?) in place of single apostrophes ('), I think. Make sure you change those.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate.

I like your introduction and conclusion; the intro is catchy, and the conclusion ties up your content nicely. The piece is organized and flows well; you do a good job of drawing parallels between yourself and Francie, and give a good amount of introspective analysis. Nice work.

Essays / Trouble Getting Started on UC essay about my journey [4]

Good evening :)

I agree with RiceFiend; the essay should flow from you the most natural and easy way for you. When you are writing, it isn't just the words and the subject that relay who you are and what kind of person you are, it is also your narrative style; the order of your words, your tone of voice, your structure. Try it both ways; see which one flows into the body of your essay best. Write the content (body) of the essay first, without an introduction or a conclusion; then write (independent of each other) the introduction you are thinking of and the narrative cap you have in mind. See which one flows easiest with the piece; it has been my experience that the first one you write is usually your natural stance, and you will probably end up going with that one. But, you won't know until you try it!

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / the best aspects of an education - Personal Statement [7]

Good evening :)

OK, let's see. How about this:

I once read a quote on a poster in my e conomics class that said " Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you." I sincerely agree with this quote. What makes everyone different is not merely the events in their lives, but rather what each individual chooses to do with them. When faced with a bad situation, the decision to go and make a difference rather than give up is the thing that distinguishes those who are driven from those who are not. I have been faced with bad situations, and the decisions I made guided me to where I am today. Because of my experiences involving psychology with my parents, I want to go into that field of study.

I don't think it's too "cliche"!

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

Good evening :)

"There have been many experiences in my lifetime that have shaped who I am as a person today. I will most likely be majoring in Pre-Veterinary MedicineMake sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences and proper nouns; as these are neither, they shouldn't be capitalized. throughout my undergraduate college years. I hope to continue onto a graduate school to pursue my dreams of becoming a Veterinarian.

Undergraduate / Life is all about changes and lessons - FSU admisson essay [2]

Make sure to maintain the theme (in this case, strength) throughout your piece. You let it get away from you in the second third and fourth paragraphs; make sure you continue to refer to strength throughout the piece.

Otherwise, you use some good examples of strength in your life, and are well organized, keeping a smooth flow through the piece.

Research Papers / An emotional connection with the reader - rhetorical research writing [2]

Good evening :)

Sometimes, mainly in creative writing situations, it is OK to use "you;" but you are correct that in this situation it would be inappropriate. How about trying something like this:

The pulse quickens and sweat begins to form on the back. Attempts to swallow are futile, and attempting to breathe slowly while trying to think about how irrational this response is do not work. The heart pounds faster and it is difficult to focus on the outside environment; emotions are welling up, berating voices, while continued attention on self-discussion proves impossible. Trying to concentrate all attention on the little fiber in the carpet directly head-on causes feelings of detachment; hands clutch the desk as tightly as possible; try and remember the exact location. Loss of conscience is convincingly imminent; then, the world rights itself just as quickly as everything had collapsed, leaving the footprints of fright and confusion.

When in doubt, take the pronoun out! :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Philmont Boy Scout Ranch is the summer hike everyone in Troop 62 looked forward to. UF Essay [5]

Good evening :)

I think your content is good, but the focus is wrong. The prompt asks you to describe how this experience will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You spend a great deal of time and energy describing the event, and the introspective evaluation is stuck on to the end and only measures a few sentences. This makes the focus of the piece the event, and the brief analysis of it seem like an afterthought. Depending on your word count restrictions, you could remove a good deal of the details as to the experience and spend them acknowledging the remainder of the prompt. Also, I didn't see you discuss how you and this experience will contribute to the campus community at any length; at the most you write one sentence.

The board won't be interested in the experience as much as they will its effects on you and how it will effect their institution; that should be the focus of your paper and where you spend the most discussion/evaluation/description/time.

I think if you are going to reuse this piece for another prompt you should make sure that it is tailored to that prompt and that you acknowledge all of the facets of their question(s).

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My life growing up in Africa admission interest essay [5]

Good evening :)

I really like what you have so far. What about delving further into how this childhood contributes to your perception of diversification? I think that would be a great next step.

Regarding the essay topic (I presume it's " University from an African point of view"), I think there's not much about that. You write more about the different faces and sides of Africa, its neglected and overlooked diversity and potential, but not much on how you view your future education. When I wrote essays for college applications I always tried to include a personal experience to show a vibrant stroke of my individuality. Maybe you should do that as well in your essay, for example you could try to develop a better story about your connection with Kilimanjaro mountain.

Upload your new draft here and I will review it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Studying at traditional schools or via computer or TV [2]

I think your response is a very thorough response to the prompt. It is organized, well structured, and explains the points you present in your opening. The conclusion is tidy, wrapping up the whole piece. A very thorough job. With a little polishing, this will be a very competent submission. Nice work.

Essays / Good Entrance / Application Essay - how long should it be? [11]

Good evening :)

I agree; it should be as long as it needs to be to get the job done. You will know while reading it where it gets a little winded or where it needs a little "something more." As long as you remember to stay on track, keep it interesting, and answers the prompt, you will do great.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / King Lear - main points of my Essay [4]

Good evening.

This website is to assist students with their academic writing. We help with editing, proofreading, grammar, and structure of pieces that students have written.
If you are looking for someone to write your paper for you or conduct research for you, I suggest you contact a paid writing service. If you have a piece that you have written 100% originally yours and you would like editing or proofreading assistance, you may post it here. If you seek something else, you will find a better match elsewhere.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement - finding leeway [3]

Your introduction and conclusion provide a very sturdy framework to set the rest of your piece on; they relate to each other very well and create a great loop. The content of your response answers the prompt very well, and shows you to be a strong and confident person.