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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 6794 / page 84 of 170
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dumi   
Jul 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / People have so many possibilities. We can learn new things by only writing the term in Google Search [7]

As others have xpressed it's important to include your prompt so that others know how to align their feed back with what your prompt requests. Also, the essay structure for this task is diferent from what you've used here. You need to introduce your topic briefly in the introduction and express your opinion there. Then move into body paragraphs where you give one reason(each para) to justify your opinion. Then support those reasons with examples. Then write a conclusin to reinforce your position sumingup yuoressay to conclude Iit.
dumi   
Jul 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The problems created by unlimited use of cars [4]

Nowadays, many people have their own cars and frequently use itthem , which is clarified by itstheir convenience and comfortable

Cars - they, their, them / car -it, its

Although, by driving cars, people has given rise to many serious consequences.

...this sentence needs improvement with its presentation.
However, usage of too many cars has given rise to many seriuos issues.

It is undeniable fact that the unlimited use of cars is responsible for the range of problems that influence our lives negatively

....you have been telling this repeatedly. Here you need to start discussing what those negative reasons are.
dumi   
Jul 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; % of money spent on food, drinks & tobacco by people in Europe [5]

Hi,
Where is the graph? You can upload the graph using the feature "Attach file(s)" and it's good to have the graph to make our comments. Also, please post all your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum and have a meaningful topic for the Subject when you open a new thread.

amount spent by Sweden

This is the structrue I recommend;

Hope to see your graph!
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS;Talents with which people are born or practice is more beneficial. [7]

Sure :)

First of all, hard work is athe key to hols success.

.... hols is a shorten form for holiday... but I'm sure you menat "whole". However, this line sounds better without it.
I also feel that you need to attend to your essay structure. Then you can work on vocabulary. First get your ideas presented clearly in a logical sequence.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS:Cheap air travel should be encouraged? [4]

In recent years, many airlines offer to their customers more and more number of cheap flights.

In recent years, many airlines offered cheap fairs on flying.

People have various different views about cheap air travel. Although there are good arguments in favour of this trend should be encouraged,

.... Now you need to introduce the prompt more clearly;
However, people hold different views about this trend. Some believe cheap air travel should be encouraged to give ordinary people a chance of travelling. Others argue that it may create lots of environmental issues and therefore air travel should be made expensive in view of discouraging people to travel.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Undergraduate / My spiritual life strengthened because of this significant experience [4]

it was my mother who ran across our bed to get her bag and purse.

It was my mother who rushed to our room to collect her wallet.

Out of curiosity I asked her why she was on the rush. She then answered hurriedly and told me that my father, whoiswas suffering from mild stroke for more than years, was having a seizure at that very moment.

Out of curiosity I asked her why she was in such panic. She then told me that my father who already suffered a mild stroke just had another sudden heart attack.

So I got up and hurried downstairs where my father's bedroom is, then I saw his eyes in a state of delirium and his muscle shaking vigorously.

.... avoid telling every little detail.... that's not necessary.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Watching TV is bad for children" agree or disagree? / Use Specific Reasons [5]

This essay should have been posted to Writing Feedback forum. Please take note of it when you make your next post. Thanks :)

In modern life, people invented some new social requirements for continuing life. However, some of these havebig bad results for children.

.... these are a bit out of topic sentences. They do not contribute to introduce your topic to the reader in a comprehensible manner. Avoid writing such sentences. Take help from the prompt and introduce your topic more direct.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / Whether the power of advertisement or the real need of people? [7]

however, what I want to emphasize that something should be advertised in this way to suit modern life

... This is confusing :(
The main issue I see with your essay is that you do not address what your topic expects. It's about advertisements get people to purchase stuff that they really do not require. You need to align your writing with the answer to this question.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Undergraduate / My life in Haiti ; Challenge I have faced and how it has shaped my thinking [4]

I was contented with that

my language skills were poor and I had to go to a new school.

...my language skills were poor and I was going to be in a new school.

skyscrapers reachingfor theout to clouds

At first, this task seemed to be daunting;

... here, your entire paragraph revolves around one simple idea. i.e. you struggle to adopt to the new environment. I think that's overdone. You can combine this with the next one easily by removing some repetitive parts.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELST Writing Task 1 - Water use worldwide and water consumption [2]

First, I want to request you to post all your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum :)

The line graphs illustrates the amount of global water used infor Agriculture, Industrial use and Domestic use from 1900 to 2000.

... there are two line graphs in the first diagram.
The line graphs illustrate the use of global water during the period of 1900 to 2000, for the three sectors such as Agriculture, Industrial use and Domestic use.

How about the other table? You need to introduce that too here.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / When to start formal education for children? [4]

, but others think that childhood is a period of time that should be specialized for learning and educating.

.... Try to present your ideas in a more simple, yet interesting manner.
...., however, others think that children should begin schooling at an early age and engage in classroom activities.

In my opinion, neither just playing nor just studying can be productive alone, and both of them should do concurrently in childhood.

... this should be incorporated in your introduction.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS;Talents with which people are born or practice is more beneficial. [7]

In my personal perspectiveview , I believe that Hard work,will and motivation isare a better way to be a good sports man or a musician

... this sentence has lots of grammar issues... Also, you are going slightly out of point. Your topic does not talk about will or motivation. It asks which is more important for certain professionals like musicians or sports personnel, is it inborn talent or the practice? Stay aligned with your topic always.

Also, include your prompt with the essay... then we exactly know what it expects and give you feedbacks accordingly.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / What you have learned about a country from its movies - 'culture & attractions' [6]

.... better than what you said above .... or else you can say something like this;
By watching American movies, I gathered some knowledge about the American lifestyles, their ideology and the freedom they enjoy.

The breathtaking attractions of a country is also what I have learned about that country after I watch its films.

.... say this differently;
Further, movies are a best source for learning about the attractions of a country. ... you need to present your reason very clearly and then back it up with an example.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / What you have learned about a country from its movies - 'culture & attractions' [6]

The film stars always wear the most fashionable apparel

dumi: most fashionable outfits. Could you please tell why outfit is used, but apparel isn't?

Well... as you mean, apparel refers to cloths. But in your sentence you mean about fashionable cloths and "outfits" ( definition -A set of clothing, often with accessories) is the best word to give that mood to the reader. There are so many synonyms for cloths such as dress, attire, outfit, apparel etc. But these words are used to give different moods.

why do you laugh? you imply that I shouldn't express this opinion in my essay?

....No... I didn't mean to be sarcastic or anything. It just made me laugh. Howeveer, you may offend Americans by saying;

. American films give me the overriding impression that America is the country that promotes violence and free sex life.

... I think this is not right. You better avoid this type of generalizations.
dumi   
Jul 22, 2013
Undergraduate / "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" ; Entrepreneurial Community Essay [2]

Ok... so, what do we have for proof that you spirit got awakened.... Nothing much is said about how you became successful with your entrepreneur skills.... Just mentioning that you captained the Tennis team is not very convincing. You need to tell them your experiences in which you applied this quote. How your determination, persistence and passion drove you towards success.
dumi   
Jul 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS:Competition or Co-operation should children learn? 'future career' [7]

Hi Gehan...Welcome to EF!
First, I wish to tell you a few forum rules; Post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. Also, include the purpose (in this case - IELTS) in your title so that others can provide you with task specific feedbacks. :)

Home and school are places which we receive much information and rules.

Home and school are the two places that influence our character the most.

We learn a code of ethics from our parents ,and teachers teach us other side of skills.

... teachers too teach ethics.
They are the places where we learn ethics and have our value systems formed.
Well... your prompt speaks of competition and cooperation in children. Therefore the above sentences are not very much aligned with your topic. Your primary task here is to introduce the topic to the reader and then state your opinion.
dumi   
Jul 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS:All teenagers should engage in voluntary community service; Agree or Not? [4]

Nowadays, Community outreach programsfor teenagers have become a common choice of many parents for their children.

It offers many advantages for these group ofyoung people as well as for their society.

Firstly, teenager serving in a community program such as, free planting, clean and green program, health care services for poor and elderly,and setting other community events.

... sounds incomplete. You need to give a reason as to why you think teenagers should do free voluntary community service. This does not sound like a reason :(

These programs prepare them to be independent, learn to deal with daily problems, it enhance their capacity for socialization and further, strengthen their communication skills.

.... there you are.... this is the reason. So, this line should come before the other which should be your example,
dumi   
Jul 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / scientists researches; average weight of people is increasing, health decreasing [5]

With advent of technology in human's life , their recent lifestyle has changed.

... well, you need to be careful with expressing your ideas... you tend to include irrelevant phrases that disturb your flow of ideas.
With the advancement of technology, the lifestyles of people had dramatic changes.

In last century, people had to work on farms. They had to hard-working for being alive.

[i]In previous eras, the people had more physical exercises in performing their day to day tasks. However, such tasks are now mostly handled by advanced machinery replacing the manual labor.[/i] .... this is the reason. Now give an example to support it.
dumi   
Jul 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / What you have learned about a country from its movies - 'culture & attractions' [6]

The country plays a crucial role in everybody's lives.

... I don't see any relevance of this sentence to your essay... Don't go out of topic. Stay aligned to your topic. Also, you don't have time to waste during the exam and every sentence must add value to your essay.

The film stars always wear the most fashionableapparel.

... most fashionable outfits.

People in the US also love casual clothes such as jeans and T-shirts .

The actors and actresses in the films often have guns at home for the purpose of self-defense at home and sometimes carry guns with them.

They even shoot one another immediately every time they have conflict.

... they are in a conflict

American films give me the overriding impression that America is the country that promotes violence and free sex life.

...LOL .... Most probably your essay would be marked by an American ....LOL
dumi   
Jul 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / Is learning through experiments better than classroom-based learning? [4]

Hi,
What's the purpose of this essay? IETLS, TOEFL or GRE? It's better to include the purpose in your topic so that we can provide you with more task specific comments :)

Also, you need to post this type of essays into "Writing Feedback" forum.

In this essay, I am going to elaborate to you the advantages and disadvantages of experiment-based learning and classroom-based learning.

I think it is better to state your position on this argument rather than making a statement like this.

Learning through experiments allows students to better understand the knowledge taught

Learning through experiments allows students to better understand the concepts that were taught.

"Tell me, I'll forget. Show me, I'll remember. Involve me, I'll understand. "

.... good one :)
You write very well.... :)
dumi   
Jul 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Choosing the job that is similar to parents' jobs could benefit to one's career. [4]

they have accumulated a rich network in a certain industry.

when you say network, it mostly refers to contacts. But in your next sentences the idea is diverted to their industry knowledge... isn't that so?

Some may argue that as time is different, the condition of job market is completely different. Therefore, choosing a job similar to one's parents' is not always a correct decision. I agree with this opinion to some extent, but when it comes to the trend, no one can predict it correctly. The condition of job market changes enormously fast like a flash, so that there is no way to predict any job can be popular for 30 years or more.

... I think it is wise to support your position with reasons and examples and not tackle the other side of the argument. You are preparing for TOEFL and they have a major bearing on time. If you have two body paragraphs to support your position, that's more than enough for you to go for a good score.

Also, one more thing.... you should post your TOEFL essays into Writing Feedback forum :)
dumi   
Jul 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / Parents vs classmates child's education; child copy each other's habits [4]

This question is controversial because it is different from a child to another one.

.... What is the question? ... you need to introduce the question to the reader in the introduction.

I can not completely agree with the statement that classmates are more influence than parents on a child s success in school.

... ok ....this is your position.

classmates have a significant effect on child s behavior and his or her success in school. Children spend much time at school. Classmates have many things in common such as age,interests, homework, and classes after all. So, they discuss their impressions about a new teacher, solve problems together, learn their homework, gain new knowledge and experience , and even make their own new discoveries. Sharing all these make them closer. Some of them become friends and they spend after-school time together. For instance , my brother was a good student at school he always got high grade, his classmate was not a good student. When he became my brothers friend, they spend most of their time together. My brother had a positive effect on him made him became a good student.

... this paragraph does not justify your position. In body paragraphs, you need to give reasons to strengthen your position and support them with examples.
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Unbalanced approach, does not hold true in all situation - Praise positive actions, ignore negative [4]

Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? What's your prompt?

Yep.... it's always better to indicate the purpose of your writing as your responses need to be aligned with appropriate format expected by different exam tasks. Also, include the entire prompt in your essay so that the others would get a clear idea as to what your prompt expects.

I don't know whether you have already visited the following page, but in case if you haven't do visit it to get a clear idea as to how your essay would be scored. There are sample responses that gives a clear understanding how your essay need to be structured.
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Should children grow up in the countryside or in the city? [3]

Hi
First, I want to request you to post these essays into Writing Feedback forum. Also, it's better if you could mention the purpose in the "Subject" along with the topic (For e.g. TOEFL, IELTS etc.) Then include your prompt too in your essay so that others know better what it wants from you and align their comments accordingly.

Each of it has positive effect and negative effect.

Each of it has its own positives and negatives.

In my opinion, the countryside has more advantageousadvantages than the city so that it would better if children grow up in the countryside.

Living in countryside is more advantageous than living in the city.
The countryside has more advantages than what city has got to offer.

dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Is life easier with fewer languages? / Dying Languages [3]

Languages have existed with a huge quantity in the whole world, however, many of thembecomeare becoming extinct annually.

To my way of thinking

.... In my view

I agree in part with this statement for at least three rational reasons.

... express your view more direct and clearly;
I partially agree with this statement.

The very first advantage of language death all over the world is that it will obviously narrow the gaps in terms of language.

... you need to improve presentation of this line;
[i]First, having few languages help reduce gaps and misunderstandings that arise out of language barriers.[i]
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they knew [4]

Successinis an inevitable factor in every one's life.

... well.... this is what I feel;
Success is the most sought aspect in everybody's life.

When it comes to the issue of successful people,

.... I don't think it is an issue.

When it comes to the issue of successful people, Some believe that it is better to try new things, while others maintain the opposite opinion and are more inclined to do what they already knewknow .

... you can leave that part out completely.

The latter attitude carries more weight and should be prefered.

... Why don't you use direct speech more? It's more clear and interesting;
I prefer not take too many risks by trying new things.

. I will present the prominent facts to support my point of view.

... this is unnecessary and the reader anyway expects you to do that. This does not add value to your essay.
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Increasing petrol prices- immediate solution, but temporary! [3]

As regards increasing population, we are facing the new problems such as growing traffic and pollution.

As a result of increasing population and development of transportation technologies, the world today is faced with new problems such as growing traffic and pollution.

In this essay I will describe some cause and effect which is effective or ineffective. Ultimately I suggest another possible new way.

It is better you state your position here without keeping the reader in a sort of vague mood. This type of sentences really do not help you impress the reader.
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Undergraduate / There are still rights and wrongs and self-evident truths; CU boulder/ Diversity [4]

Two goals of mine are to exchange knowledge and experiences with people other people.

... typo I guess :)
I like what you've written above... especially, your unique writing style and bold thinking. However, I too agree with Didgeridoo and feel you should have more evidence to support your case. Otherwise, it would sound just an ideology. You need to show them that you've exhibited that character in the past and you will continue to do so. The second version is much improved from the first, but wish you have a little more convincing experiences to support your claim. Your Irish experience again talks about conventional diversity thinking and does not support your view. Apart from that, this is real good writing :)
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Should the government pay the tuition fees for students? [5]

In recent years, education is becoming an issue of great concern in many countries, because it plays an important role for the development of each country.

... your idea has a fundamental error.... education is not an issue for any country. However, funding education can be an issue of concern. This is what I suggest;

Education plays a vital role for the development of a country. However, not every single person can have access to education due to high costs involved with it. Therefore, some people argue that the cost of education should be borne by the governments.
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Scholarship / I aspire to become a lawyer, not for the prestige; career aspirations [5]

The greatest lawyer in the world, Abraham Lincoln,whichwho is also the first president of the united state had fought heavily against the appertide ideology and vanished the social classes really aspired me.He had a strong heart and faith in whatever he is doing.

.... do you mean apartheid ? I've not come across the word you have written there :(
Also, I don't find a strong connection between your aspiration and Lincoln. If you talk about apartheid policy, then you need to talk about Nelson Mandela who too had been a lawyer and not Lincoln.
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Undergraduate / I finished opening my last present; UVa College of Arts and Sciences Essay [3]

but half a minute into the song the worst thing that could happen to a nine year old happened...

...but in the next half minute, the worst thing that could happen to a nine year old did actually happen. .... :D

In the end, the 'cool' phase of listening to music lasted a whole 28 seconds. Looking back at that moment, I laugh at how one word in a song disturbed me so much that instead of simply skipping the song I destroyed the entire CD.

.
Good writing.... I see you are very witty. I like what you've written and hope the admission guys too would like it :)
Good luck with your application!
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / The Effects of Using Cell phone in school [12]

actually the purpose of this essay is for classroom essay. However, i intend to register for IELTS test soon, so i want to improve my skills in essay to obtain a high grade.

... okkk.... then you better follow the IELTS structure from now onward because it can be applied to any classroom type of essay. Here's the one I generally suggest .... you can have additional body paras if you have time. Since IELTS and TOEFL tasks have a major bearing on time, I have limited the number of body paras to two.
dumi   
Jul 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Explain how the internet is being used successfully by students nowadays. [4]

It is said that the young generation, especially students, is the group whothat is always instantly familiar with anything new.

... this sentence does not come right. I guess what you need to highlight is that children pick things fast because they are too curious.

. For instance, the internet,founded by governments, has a variety of considerable benefits for students which are the reason why it is being widely used nowadays.

.... "founded by government" is wrong. As long as I know the Internet, as a concept, was first heard when a professor attached to University of California sent out a message using some computer network. I guess what you meant there is "funded by government", is it?

Have a look at your prompt - It requires you to talk about the usefulness of the Internet for the students. So, in your introduction you should bring out this fact prominently. Don't go out of topic. Introduce the role of internet and how it's been used by students for their academic work. You do not need to give examples in the introduction.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Practice makes you perfect"; Opinion Essay/ Classroom Assignment [2]

It seems that success in life requires from us not only the luck but also other vital means, and practices all the time is one of the necessary factors to succeed.

well... your opening statement looks a bit too crowded and complicated. Present it more clearly with a punch.
One's success does not merely rely on luck. It is mostly the outcome of the efforts the person has made in his pursuit of reaching the goal. This is where the "Practice" plays a vital role although it seems a tedious task to do.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / The Effects of Using Cell phone in school [12]

Using cell phone in school is the main cause for student's failure and alsoprivacy of certain students will be invaded their privacy by other students.

Well... it's good to know the purpose of this writing... Is it for IELTS, TOEFL, GRE or just a classroom essay? If you tell the purpose we can provide you with feedbacks that are relevant to the particular task.

In any case, what we expect from the introduction is to have an idea about the topic. So, your first task is to introduce the topic. Then you express your opinion.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Will technology deteriorates our ability to think? [4]

First, I wish to request you to post this type of essays into "Writing Feedback" forum. Also, try to include your prompt and the purpose (whether GRE, IELTS or TOEFL)in your essay so that we exactly know how to align your response with the task requirements. That helps you earn good feed backs :)

The world has a significant change over the past years.This change is mainly due to the development in technology.The world is always attracted to new technology.This attraction to new technology has made to develop the technology.

.... Let's have a look at these introductory lines. All of them talk about technology and its significance to the world. However, your prompt talks about how it affects our ability to think. This aspect is given fairly low priority in your introduction. Try to align your writing with what your prompt requests. Read your prompt carefully and understand what it asks for. Then introduce the prompt to the reader with a better alignment to what it really means.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / "a fish new to water"; educational institutions should guide the students [2]

.An uneducated person in today's society is considered to be ana beast.

.... I think this sounds too harsh. You better say that uneducated people are not well recognized in the society. There are millions of uneducated people living in our society and some of them are with great intellectual capacities. May be they are born to poor or disturbed families that hindered them from accessing education. So, I think you should tone down this idea a lot.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Teaching the Facts after students have studied concepts; CLEP English Composition [4]

I completely agree with the Recommendation of teaching the Facts only after students have studied the ideas, trends, and concepts because this will explain those facts more easily and will give better understanding of those facts by flowing reasons.

.... I wish you had a sentence prior to this expressing your position in order to introduce your topic. Something that gives a more catchy start.

facts means nothing

.... fact means / facts mean

First, when Educators teaches facts to students before understanding the ideas, trends and concepts those facts means nothing to student,

.... this sounds like you are repeating the topic over and over again. Present the idea differently;
First, there is no point in teaching facts and details if a student does not have any idea about the fundamentals.

They give better and in depth understanding to the ideas that are taught.

....
Detailed facts are useful to provide the student with an in depth understanding about the subject. .... I think this is the reason for your claim and this idea should come before the previous one.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2013
Student Talk / Reading : 9.0 - Just got my IELTS result. [20]

Congratulations Shumaila! While we very happy about your success, I also want to thank you too for dropping us a note to express your feelings. It's very thoughtful of you and we really appreciate. All of us here believe in the power of collaboration and your words confirm this fact. So it's now your turn dear... We want you to continue the good work with us by helping others with their writing.

:)

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