Undergraduate / Bump (renewing green card) + Unique qualities (structural engineer) - UCF [2]

For the majority of my life, things haven't always ---it is redundant to say "for the majority of" and also "always"...

Events in my life have not always unfolded the way they were planned.

2 Two years ago, while I and my family and I were living in comfort, the police called our house....(when a number begins a sentence, always type the word instead of the numeral).

Give each part of the list a verb so that the sentence sounds nice:
We consumed less food, bought fewer articles of clothing, and wasted little to no water and electricity.

Perhaps the biggest and must dreadful change was the switching of Comcast television to basic cable as it took me months to be able to adjust to their channels . ---This details sort of ruins the seriousness of the essay...

3. The University of Central Florida is a great learning institution. A little too simplistic and boring to be the first sentence.

For me to accomplish my goal to be an engineer, I need to be able to have a vast amount of knowledge on chemistry and math.

No stating the obvious!

The second essay is not very meaningful. it just states the obvious. You should expound an impressive plan for your first year in theri engineering program, and it should include at least 3 goals that are not program requirements. Show that you are determined and proactive.

:-)

Research Papers / Differences between Civil and Criminal Courts in canada [2]

As a citizens in Canada we ought to understand...

We as citizens and people of Canada live by the Charter, but yet are unable to understand the many ...

Okay, you should have a citation near the end of that first paragraph. What would be the best book or article for me to read if I wanted to better understand this concept: there are many protections for the court system and regulations that protects it, which would provide assurance that Canadians and everyone would proceed through the justice system in a manner that safeguards to help make certain that no involves no miscarriages of justice (Author's name).

Throughout the court system of Canada, it (what?) regulates procedures and encompasses several different levels of the court system.

Also, in civil law the courts abide by the purview of the provincial governments. ( MORISSETTE, 2009 )
Put the parenthetical reference before the period, and do not capitalize all the letters of the name:
Also, in civil law the courts abide by the purview of the provincial governments (Morissette, 2009).

In various occasion situations, individuals who are in a ...

According to the defendant, the plaintiff was dismissed from the company due to the recession that affected the company, which then resulted in termination of some operations in the defendant's manufacturing company.

This concept is also known as,

You should add a conclusion to reflect on the main message of the essay.

Do not capitalize all letters of the authors' names.
To add more citations, simply look for places where a fact is stated without a citation and add the name of the author whose work gave you the information. Good luck!! this stuff is hard...

:-)

Scholarship / "A Passion Driven Team" - HSF Scholarship Essay- Extracurricular Activities [3]

by investing in my interests through extracurricular activities in my school.---In this sentence, you can have a greater effect on the reader by listing the activities instead of referring to them generally.

It would also be good if, with this or any essay, you can end the first paragraph with a sentence that expresses the message of the essay in a single sentence.

I also learned that managing a team needs to be carried out with the use of encouragement and structure. Through those key...----I made a small change here to avoid two uses of "through" in a row and also to add clarity.

Regarding content, I don't want to suggest any changes. You did a great job of showing specific insights you gained, demonstrating your proactive attitude toward learning, and your great attitude.

Undergraduate / Dwindling Recruitment at Megalopolis Law School [5]

You did a great job with this.

I would like to have one sentence added to the paragraph about the insufficiency of the survey and one sentence added to the conclusion. Those two paragraphs seem to end abruptly.

Also, you can spend some time at the end to list the various other conclusions that could be drawn instead of the one they drew (i.e. based on your observations in this critique.)

A great article to cite in this essay would be W.H.C. Prentice "Understanding Leadership."

Research Papers / Why are the coral reefs in the Florida Keys unhealthy? [2]

...Research has shown that some of the causes are directly linked to human activity while other causes are attributable to Mother Nature. ---I revised this a little to make it less awkward.

I think it would be a great improvement to the essay's structure if you listed Hurricanes, global warming,bleaching, etc. in the first paragraph. That will help the reader to organize her thinking about what she reads.

Also, it would be great if as the last sentence of the first paragraph you give a sentence that tells the central idea of the whole essay... the idea that all the topics add up to. In the conclusion you talk about efforts to solve the problem, and you should also mention it in the last sentence of the intro.

Opposite of species which are invasive to the reef and impose damage are species which are supportive to support the health of the reef by the work they perform.

:-) congratulations, great job with this thing!

Undergraduate / "Cultural Diversity; relocating from Everett to Seattle" - UW admissions essay [2]

...different from what that with which I was familiar.

Great use of the rhythmic term, "culturally varied." I like it!

Well, this is very well written, but you should do a little more to attend to the part that asks what you will do to contribute to the community. I suggest writing about contributions you will make to the department associated with your chosen major, because people feel inspired when they read the essay of a student very focused on a chosen field of study.

It also will be a good idea to add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph so that the reader will be left with your MAIN MESSAGE to think about while transitioning into paragraph 2.

:-)

Graduate / "Questions answered by a MATHEMATICIAN" - SOP for MS in CS [2]

I like the way you personify cutting edge technology and theoretical research by giving the image of them shaking hands!

I don't think you should capitalize all the words of the Morris quote.

This topic sentence seems abrupt: During my undergraduate studies, I developed a particular interest in Database Management Systems.---It seems like a random thing to say after the intro. You could add some words like "learn something new" or "easy steps" to that sentence so that it will be a nice transition from paragraph one.

A long standing question in zoology was answered by a MATHEMATICIAN.--I don't think you should type in all caps.

This essay is ridiculously impressive. I apologize for taking so long to get to it; you probably submitted it, got accepted, and graduated already. For what it's worth, though, this is a hell of an essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a world of change and transition" - UC Prompt #1: Change and Transition [4]

My perspective began to change as I set my sights on the benefits of change rather than on its detriments and viewed view myself not only as more of...

(began to ----> change... and ... view)

But what about the part about the "person you have become?" You wrote this very well, but I only see a few details about the person you have become ... an extrovert... a continually maturing individual... but what I want to know about is about the specific goals you have for this time in college during which you'll become a professional in your field. That is what it is really all about.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I study Technical Physics" - study abroad in London [3]


When you start to write, think about what you want to accomplish. Actually, when you start doing anything, think about what you want to accomplish, what effect you want to have. With this essay, I think you want to make the reader feel a sense of obligation to enable you to continue your excellent process because of your great attitude and carefully designed, detailed plan for the future.

So if that is the purpose, the sentences above do not help. Make sure all your sentences are either keeping the reader's interest or fulfilling your purpose...

All these below are too broad and general to be inspirational. You need to state an intention, boldly! You need to give them something to remember you by.

:-)
a broad interest in many subject areas.
my ambition to learn new things,
my desire to experience new adventures

Writing Feedback / ''The critical analysis of being an international manager'' - compare cultures [4]

The role of an international manager requires involves several requirements.

In this essay I will like explain my role as international manager in and the question of how I would deal ...

Despite (no comma necessary here) these this fact, I

The role of an international manager requires that you have some cultural intelligence knowledge. ---knowledge is a better word than intelligence here.

:-) You are very impressive!

Book Reports / Essays on Gilgamesh, Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza. THEME: BEING [2]

Add a sentence to the beginning of every body paragraph. Make it a TOPIC SENTENCE that shows how your main argument is true.

the instructions look like OPTIONS from which to choose... is that right? You have to choose one of those approaches.

It seems that the prof wants you to work with an analytical framework used by an author. If you just look at the way an author organized an article or chapter, you can copy it. Just copy the headings used and try to make them fit your essay. You might be able to do it in only 10 minutes!

Use the words "analytical framework" in your essay to show that you are doing that!

:-)

Undergraduate / UC essay " My world is full with connections" [2]

I like stick man instead of stick figure. It is cool to say stick man. The intro has a strange rhythm, and I like it!

I think "myself" is supposed to be "me" if you want to be grammatically correct, but your way sounds better and is okay, I think.

my life in someway some way but some of them

I can see histories as third person from an objective point of view, I can adapt different ways of greeting people such as I bow for my Japanese teacher but shake hands with my English teacher, and I understand...

My dreams, my aspirations, and my world is are never-ending and beyond imagination. I can turn anything into something I never imaged, and I am going to keep initiating connections with numerous people to help this world become amusing.

Oh, yeah... I see that the end lacks focus. What is the one message you want the reader to remember? That is most important. The reader is not a genius, not able to remember every idea from the essay... at the end, reinforce the main idea. Meaningful connections as you network in the world... connections in the field of marketing... specific goals for the first year you will spend at this school... Reinforce the most important message or messages.

:-)

Undergraduate / "why I want to be an environmental engineer" (your world, family, community) [7]

I wished that I was had been born into another family in another country.
Even though young, I discovered that life is unfair. It was unfair that I was had been born in the poverty-stricken Cambodia. It was unfair that I was had been born into a

...as my poorer classmates . I thought I should have more and better

magical eyes ---wow! Everything about this essay impresses me.. Very profound, very interesting to any reader...

It belongs to me, and it belongs to everyone, but only a few has have the magical eyes. It is up to us to enlighten them the harm they have done to this hidden treasure. It is my responsibility and by being an environmental engineer will give me the perfect tool with which to tinker a solution. with .

... but more important than that is the context content. ;-)

Undergraduate / "problems in our interdependent world" - Wellesley Supplement [6]

Nice job!

I suggest adding a noun here to make it a cool metaphor:
The seed of my ________ was sown when I found out that my mother majored in International Relations.

... realized that Wellesley is a school that will would enable me to look deeper into...

The complexity and diversity of Wellesley will allow enable me to develop the critical and analytical skills ...

:-)

Undergraduate / UC#1 (My deceased grandfather) / 2 Prompt (Altered)/ (The three little pigs) [3]

I felt like a I was living recycle bin; passing through halls every weekdays carrying abundant amount of books than possible and going home only to find an empty house.

I would use quotes here to designate the word:
"Melancholy" was the perfect word for me.

You have a nice writing style!

Oftentimes , I felt overwhelmed ...

My deceased grandfather was nothing more than ---it might be better for you if you leave out the word deceased when talking badly about him. It's distasteful to speak badly of the deceased, even if you are speaking the truth!

If only I am could rewind time, I would not have asked my mother to call.

...did not want to get a Spanish tutor with the likes of us. ----oh... maybe now that he is older he has a mind of his own and more freedom! Sometimes grownups are stupid!

I like that recycled bin theme!

Capitalize all words in the title: The Three Little Pigs

Both essays have great themes! And you write well...

fathers ' father's unemployment

:-)

Undergraduate / Influenced by drugs and now I'm applying to a UC [5]

Effect is a noun.
Affect is a verb.

For a person who does not approve of marijuana and alcohol, this makes it seem like you are shirking responsibility for your actions:
"Because of my parents absence one night, I tried alcohol..."
For a person who does approve of alcohol or drugs (because some AO readers are also drinkers and smokers) you will seem like the kind of person who judges them. Either way, you are hurting yourself by writing about this.

I don't mean to say it is an "automatic rejection" for bringing up the subject, and I think iceui2 would probably agree that an essay about drinking and drugs with a brilliant unforgettable theme could impress everyone. But the essay does not have a strong theme because you were doing therapy for yourself by writing this instead of focusing on making them want to admit you.

forced to grow up very quickly, ---cliche
to be all that I can be, and not settle for less. --double cliche
I was informed that drugs were not the only way of coping with my issues.---This seems strange, because it is unlikely that you needed to be "informed" of that.

The essay seems to amount to you wanting to do for another kid what your teacher did for you... but after getting a law degree. It actually seems like you needed to talk about your experiences with drugs and alcohol because it is therapeutic to talk about them. Therapeutic things are good. But after you talk it all out, write an essay that shows the reader that you are being proactive about learning law and that you have at least 5 specific, clearly devised goals for the NEAR future. That is how to inspire a reader.

But very often I see essays that seem like blogs or journal entries or counseling sessions instead of statements of scholarly and professional intention.

You write very well, but I don't think you were writing with the intention to give the reader an experience that would cause her to feel inspired by your plan!

Undergraduate / Essay : The pictures behind my bed-time stories [5]

Somehow, I had have never been very fond of movies. I like the occasional masterpiece that conveys a strong

Living in Albania means growing up listening to your mother's bedtime stories about the bloody revenges that still take innocent lives on the north---wow, cool! ha ha... this is good writing. I am impressed with paragraph 2.

Yet, if there was something I learned during my life is to never underestimate the power of art to surprise you me. ---this way is just better, more pleasant for the reader.

... easier to incorporate into become part of my life.

Great job, this is good writing...

Undergraduate / UC #1 - My parents are my example [4]

I wish you would add a very short sentence, maybe 12 words, to the end of the first paragraph. Let it be a quick sentence that expresses a theme the reader can associate with you. What is the magic word that can be your theme (i.e. pertaining to hard work, dedication, and clear goals)

My favorite part, by the way, is the clear goals in mind. For that reason, I think you definitely should write more about your readiness to master the field of chem. After all, half of this essay is supposed to he the "world you came from" and the other half is supposed to be your "dreams and aspirations."

They want to see your "clear goals in mind."

Also, I think you should change this metaphor to a simile by adding "like":
I no longer had to be reminded to put away the games and study, as I had found a new source of pleasure, like a brand new video game.

:-)

Research Papers / Research question: how a research paper should look like? [10]

Hey, this is a great question. More than one answer can be given, but I will tell you my answer.

The paper is a collection of paragraphs. Each paragraph tells about the MAIN IDEA of an article or book written by a person with good credibility.

If you can write paragraphs about articles/books, and quote some of them once in a while, you can write a research paper.

Just start writing paragraphs about articles/books.

When you have written many paragraphs, look to find a THEME that they all share. What idea or theme can you find in them when you read them all. I mean... what does a person learn when reading all these article and books? Whatever truth you find in them should be expressed in the intro paragraph, which you write only after collecting several paragraphs about the main ideas.

I hope that gets you started!!!

Graduate / SOP For UT, Austin Aerospace Engineering [2]


What standards of greatness are you using? I can think of many inventions, especially pertaining to electricity and communication, that are more useful and less reckless than flight. Flight is scary! Anyway, I wanted to criticize your assertion that flight is one of the greatest inventions. You should probably rephrase that or substantiate it somehow.

I would certainly not like to be counted among the billions stars whose light never reaches Earth but rather be the Sun who shines upon us everyday.----This sentence needs to be followed by some explanation. It is about a desire to make an impact on the world (no plane crash pun intended, but I still maintain that flight is scary), but that is not what this paragraph is about. The paragraph is about the significance of flight... so add a sentence to connect this idea with the idea about the significance of flight.

Efficient use of words:
The place where i live My home is quite close to the airport. I see the planes take off and land all the time. Every time i witness a plane land or take off i am very curious to know the science behind the act.------use only the number of words necessary to make your point and give the reader a rhythmic experience.

This is a great part of the essay: further my knowledge in the development of advanced space vehicles and gravity escaping propulsion systems that would consume less power.---I wish you would discuss this goal a little more. It is a great aspiration.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Discovering my 'Japanese Bridge' " -Macaulay Essay Prompt [4]

Keep the verb tense the same: The painting pierced my heart and stirred my entire being. I had fallen fell in love with...

Ah! Actually, I like it your way. It is a toss up... it could be stylistically correct either way, I think.. and I am not sure if I think you should make the change I indicated above. You have to decide!

This is definitely the correct tense: Attempting to portray the impossible, Claude Monet had captured a glimpse of paradise. (i.e. the past perfect tense) . And now that I read the whole paragraph I think I want to reaffirm my suggestion above. Do ti this way:

The painting pierced my heart and stirred my entire being. I fell in love with...

This is great writing!! Here is one last suggestion for you: Soon my explorations in art allowed enabled me to...

Not much room for improvement in this inspired piece of writing!

Undergraduate / "Reincarnation; a consequence of my earlier failure" - Common app essay [3]


This is some of the most graceful writing I have ever seen. However, I want you to consider making a change to the sentence above. ----Because I have already learned how to get back up when I have fallen down the stairs of failure; now I feel I can overcome anything and will not easily give up. ---------Your way was correct, but I think this change would make it even more beautiful.

Well... is it a bad topic? Maybe it is a little risky, but it is so well written that I think it deserves a chance. However, it is not complete until you add a paragraph near the end to tell about your determination to make a particular contribution to a cause that you feel strongly about. What is your goal for the future? When you have a goal for the future, you inspire everyone who reads your writing.

:-)

Research Papers / help in getting a good research topic in mathematical economics or actuarial sciences [3]

Hi Subia,

I'm not qualified to give advice about this field, but I hope you get a lot of great suggestions in this thread.

However, if you look at some of the professional journal articles that interest you most, you will see that they usually provide a synthesis or review of lots of other research projects. So all you have to do is find one good article that interests you and look at all the topics that have been used in that field.

When you have read about all the recent developments that are interesting to you, you have to look to see what research methods are most commonly used to study what you are interested in. Study quantitative and qualitative research designs, and soon you will be able to know a good way to contribute to the discourse.

It is just like contributing to a conversation among friends: listen to see what is being said, and then make a useful contribution.

Book Reports / Help with quotes and compare/contrast MLK and X [2]

Here is something for you:

web.cn.edu/kwheeler/documents/Letter_Birmingham_Jail.pdf

Also: Google each title with the word analysis and you will find great articles about them.

milestonedocuments.com/documents/full-text/malcolm-xs-the-ballot-or-the-bullet-speech/

All you need to do is explain in a paragraph about a point made by King.... and then do the same in another paragraph for a point made by X. Then, compare the two things you wrote.

Don't capitalize the t:
distinguished Their their approach.

One way in which these writers differ is in their rhetoric. ---you already said this. Change this into a sentence that tells the topic of the paragraph. This is a good topic sentence: King tends toward a tamed style whereas X is more assertive and emotional to his audience. King writes ...

So, omit that redundant first sentence of paragraph 2.

I also think you should not write the intro paragraph until LAST. Write the body paragraphs first. Write about whatever gems of info you find, and then make the intro based on the body.

Undergraduate / "hanging out with psychiatric patients" - U of I - Supplement [5]

Don't capitalize parents:
Fearing for their children's safety and mentality, Parents warn...

had the exact reverse opposite effect.

This has a nice ending!!

Too much description of the experience and not enough reflection on the implications. What schools of psych interest you most? Talk about the specific plans you made as a result of this.

I don't think it is bad that you did it for the wrong reasons; this essay is all about something you learned... and it is really cool!

Undergraduate / "a secure medical environment" - Albany College of Pharmacy Essay [5]

Wow, only 150?! That is tough, because they ask you to do a lot... Even their prompt is 48 words!

You'll have to be very efficient:
The yearn to provide a secure medical environment for people and my active involvement in my community have The desire to make a meaningful contribution in this world influences me to pursue the Doctor of Pharmacy Program at the Albany College of Pharmacy and Health Sciences. Some of the my community services that inspire me to pursue this advanced course include: Volunteering in the surgical and post-maternity wards at St. Peter's Hospital in Albany, NY, assisting at medical aid camps in Pakistan, tutoring neighborhood kids in math and science, and teaching at my local community center ICCD -- my activities afford me experiences with ...

As a pharmacist, I will conduct research and formulate drugs that will cure diseases and aid patients in their recovery process. Too obvious!!

I will also forward information to patients and counsel them about medications and their uses and direct physicians and health practitioners on the selection, dosage, and side effects of medications. obvious!

I will also help them ...make me a successful pharmacist, especially through work in a range of health care settings. Instead, list some of your specific goals and how you would like to contribute to the evolution of the field of pharmacy.

Essays / TECHNOLOGY ADVANCEMENT IN THE 21ST CENTURY - need a thesis statement [5]

This is a true statement, but is it "arguable?"

A thesis statement should be arguable. That means it is something that not everyone will agree with.

If it is something everyone will agree with, why write about it?

Choose the thesis this way: Write a paragraph about an article. Write a paragraph about another article. Write a paragraph about a third article. Begin each paragraph with a TOPIC SENTENCE that tells the main idea of the article.

Look at the three paragraphs together, and see what the three ideas are. Whatever they are, they will show you the theme for your essay. WAIT until you have written 3 paragraphs before you try to see the thesis statement.

After you write 3 paragraphs, it will be there; you will see it!

:-)

Undergraduate / Baldwin Wallace Conservatory of Music Essay [2]


Is that a real Confucius quote? Ha ha, I did not know he was a career counselor.

I am a big believer in giving back, because of all the encouragement and opportunities given to me.----This part is cheesy. It is not as meaningful to say, "I am a big believer in" as it is to just say, "I believe in giving back to XXXXXX (specify)"

The essay is really great overall. I usually recommend using the last sentence of the first paragraph carefully, and I want to encourage you to look at that last sentence in this essay. It is about the teacher, but that is not what the essay is about. In an essay like this, I think the last sentence of the first paragraph should express the main idea of the essay.

Please list a few more of your goals for the future!

:-)

Scholarship / Essay about being unprepared to face the unexpected? [2]

Mariam, a fifteen year- old, is obligated to marry a forty-five year- old man named Rasheed.

... by ignoring her feelings and ideas.

You write very well! I can tell you still have some areas of grammar to improve, but you really have an excellent style.

In this sentence, I would use a dash. A dash functions like a big comma:
Mariam does not realize that it does not matter how insecure she was -- that what

Capitalize all names!
Capitalize the first word of every paragraph!

"walking past her like

Always remember that with insecurities and with fears we can still make decisions and control our lives!!

Undergraduate / "a punk show or in a Malawian village" - Importance of Diversity BU Prompt [4]

When I read the first paragraph, I think the AO reader might get an impression from "Adicts" and from the suggestion that you chose this over completing a paper due in the morning... it is not that any of that is very bad, but perhaps you can write this in a way that plants all positive ideas about you. Even "punk" might not be something the AO reader can appreciate. It is not bad, but it might make some other applicant win more favor than you.

I have a weird suggestion for you.. How about moving that last paragraph to the beginning. That would be a great start for an essay! Then maybe the paragraph that is currently the intro can become paragraph 2.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay for USC What Matters Me and Why - Overcame difficult and build confidence [3]

I had been weighed on the scales and had been found acceptable. At first, the graduation requirements were overwhelming, yet by the end I, along with the remaining graduating core of ...

This is a place to use "had been"
After this trial, I was more determined, more confident, and more mature than I was had been before.

And, use a comma to help organize a compound sentence:
After all, one will have enormous difficulties in the future without diplomacy, and USC would be a fine place for me to start practicing that.

Writing Feedback / Increasing Number of Strays Causes Threat to Shelters and Organizations [3]

Hi Evelyn, you write very well! The solution to your problem is to get more raw material for the essay. The raw material for any essay is books/articles.

When I google animal abandonment, I find a lot of stories about methods being used in other states. Find examples of innovations being made in other states and cities, and talk about them.

You can also share a few more stories to support your assertions.

Really, though, the good way to finish this is to squeeze juice out of more articles. Don't try to get more juice out of the articles you already squeezed. Read another good one! Another log on the fire.

:-)

Undergraduate / a sport? more like a way of life " uc prompt 1 [4]

Here are some more ideas:

Although I didn't made make it onto the school's cricket team in grade 8th eight, I learned something valuable on my way back to the pavilion after my embarrassingly short stay at the crease during the selection trials. I l earned that ...

Make sure you capitalize the first letter of every sentence!
C ricket teaches you to think like an economic analyst looking at not just immediate but also long term consequences of any act.

I think a colon would be good here:
It has more than anything taught me something no other game could have: it taught me...

I like this ending!----> You have to take life (with the ball) save life(with the bat) and play God ( with other lives a captain) and doing all that while always being a gentlemen.

Book Reports / Help and tips on Writing A Monologue on "Testimony From To Kill A Mockingbird" [6]

First you have to know what "interior monologue" means. Google it if you are not sure.

Then, you have to read the book. If it is hard to understand the story, try reading about it online by googling the title with the word "analysis"

I am excited for you to be reading this very important classic! Do you have anything written yet?

Undergraduate / "to receive a doctorate in The Classics" - A person who has had an influence on you [3]

Every couple days during that time, my grandfather would go to the jail and look for....someone who was moving guns around at my age. (Right here, I think you should end the first paragraph, but before you do, add a sentence that expresses the main theme of the essay. What is the message that this essay is supposed to leave with the reader? Express it in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph).

Paragraph 2:
But the most incredible part of his ...

...be only the first step in a long career of in academic success.

After I achieve my undergraduate goal, my long-term goal is to study law and attend law school.----You need to add another sentence or two, because it ends abruptly here. Studying law is not a complete goal in and of itself... it has to be a means to an end... what are some of the goals you could achieve with a law degree to make your life meaningful and fulfilling?

:-) great job!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: Beaten Down the Mountain (the world you come from) [3]

I think you only need a hyphen between year and old: ...eleven year-old ...
...stepbrother was beating me. Again.----hahaha, that is cute...

I used to consider myself one of the most nonjudgmental, loving people I know. The impatient, dismissive remarks that my stepbrother endures from me do not fit with the person I seek to grow into. ----Very impressive part of the essay right here.

I think you should make a statement at the beginning of the essay... perhaps at the beginning of the second paragraph, that tells the main message you want to leave with the reader. As it is now, I feel like you are just telling me a bunch of things about your family. They become meaningful if you express a theme at the start of the essay, because they will all be supporting the theme and proving what you claim.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the choices that the people could have taken to avoid the disaster" - issues [5]

There is no period at the end of the essay, but maybe you just did not paste it in here...but actually it seems like the last line is missing...

Many people take make choices in their life that end with a good or bad outcomes. ---I think this is a bad first sentence for the essay, because it is not meaningful. Everyone makes choices that have good or bad outcomes.

Referring this at the time where the great depression begun. It started by the Here is a good way to start the essay:
Wrong decisions by people in government and big business caused the Great Depression, which involved the suffering of most of the families that lived at that time. moment .

...and human kindness, called Roosevelt, became the president of U.S. He did everything he could do by doing programs with a hope of fix the economy. even though Nevertheless, he got criticism for spending all the money and be in deficit spending, and sometimes that I actually saw on him was that he did not stayed with the hand crossed and keeping the money of all the people without invest it (Sometimes he did what? This sentence is confusing...)

I think you should add a sentence to the first paragraph and the last paragraph. That will help you to express the main theme, the message of the essay. The first and last paragraph of the essay should express the same main idea... can you express the idea of the essay in a single sentence in the first paragraph?

:-)

Undergraduate / "the greatest things that I have gained from my new family" [3]


Yes, it's right here that you need to express that main idea. Get the idea into the reader's head, and then end the paragraph.

I actually wish you would condense all the material before this sentence so that it does not take such a long time to get to it. That is not the only approach, but it is what I have in mind for you.

I like the ending! The whole essay is pleasant to read, and I think the AO reader will appreciate that. Still, you need less detail about the trivialities and more reflection on what is actually important! When you write, you become the voice of the reader's mind, so you can plant the ideas most important to you. Add sentences that let the reader know how serious and determined you are as a student. That is the real goal.

:-)

Undergraduate / NUS 400-word essay on a personal teamwork experience [4]

This is my suggestion for one of your awkward sentences:
However, for my all-girl class was an all-girl one with the girls diversified in their lifestyles and opinions, so preparing for the show

We received applause from our teachers and other ...

You have a nice way of writing! You should add a few sentences to that conclusion paragraph, and list a few of your ideas and/or your goals for your first few years in the field of management. The conclusion paragraph can reflect on the MAIN MESSAGE of the essay and on its implications.

Undergraduate / "helping my blind sister" - my world, family, dreams, aspirations [4]

This is a good place for a hyphen:
fifty-year
50 year gap? Is that even possible!? Yes, I suppose it is. Cool!

You can do it all in the present verb tense or all in the past tense, but stay consistent:
She apologizes apologized in advance and flicked the light switch on. I followed her...

Great topic! I think it will be even better if you condense this theme into 50% of the space it currently requires and add a secondary theme for the essay. Add a new dimension to it, and consider the implications of both themes to explore your plans/aspirations.

:-)