Undergraduate / 'what will it require' - My personal statement to become a Journalist at UCF [3]

Hi :) Nice work with your essay. I think you have done a great job, very descriptive and it shows how you were raised well and nurtured into a very smart person.

My family environment has influenced me to obtain the maturity and confidence I will need to succeed through any challenging obstacles that I will face throughout life.

This sentence is long and wordy.

"I never finished college, but I want to see my only daughter graduate and not live a regretful life".

With her assistance, I have overcomeovercame my fears and have grown a tremendous amount of confidence. that I no longer run from challenges, instead , I progress over them with ease.

Consider using a different phrase than "progressing over"

Therefore, I am applying to University of Central Florida because I have the passion, courage, independence, and confidence thatto excel at Journalism.will require of me.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"Planning is better for free time activities OR not" [5]

I can help some more.

If this is a comparison essay, then you ought to explain the opposite argument-- it is not good to plan your free time, because some people are more comfortable with being spontaneous. I do think you have some great reasons for your viewpoint. If you can think of any other examples, and be specific with those. (if your word limit allows)

Some things you say are vague and could be cleared up)
1) These are our weekend activities which I plan and make full use of our weekend.-- "People can get more activities and errands accomplished by planning ahead."

2) So, planning is important to make your activities more enjoyable and it will also save our energy. You repeat yourself here-- you mean to say that planning reduces stress and confusion, and that makes free time more enjoyable.

Strengthen your conclusion. You have done a great job so far :)

Graduate / 'standing out from the crowd' - Why I Should Go to Post University [4]

In the beginning of 2010 I was encouraged (became inspired?) by friends and family to become a business major.

I had been working for General Electric (GE) for two years, and it seemed like the right move to them, but I was unsure .
Maybe find a better word than "move" in this sentence. Step forward? perhaps

...but with all the math involved was it really for me?
Maybe say: "but I had little interest in mathematics?"

The Business world had also seemed uninteresting, and I had changed my major so many times, what if I changed my mind again?
I wonder if there are better ways to say "uninteresting" and "I had changed my major so many times" because I think it should sound more "positive" Try to paint yourself in the best possible light... these words stick out as you being wishy washy. Be more specific and confident.

Deep in thought, I found myself going through I researched the lists of majors that Wright State University had to offer, and came across Organizational Leadership.

I soon signed the forms to switch my major, and once I started the classes, it was clear how much I wasenjoyed the coursework.

As a result, I was able to postpone my graduation for the trade off of not having to take anymore classes.
It sounds strange when you say " for the trade off of not having to take anymore classes." I would re-word this.

Poetry / 8 syllable poem (popular in Thai) [13]

Hey, nice job with these new poems-- I have some ideas

I don't know what is in your thoughts
but of course, I know what's in my mind
to hold you in the endfor all time , that's why
be with you closenearby , never far

Poemsisare just a tools for our language
for things to be said, to be told
things I thoughtponder , I hope, things I vow
everywhere I go, life's timelinelong path

Writing Feedback / People's reason for quit the countryside is logical [7]

Hi again :) I can give you some more help.

In these situations, despite of the idea that some people like to live in calm and cities with comfortable situation, more of them choose living in larger cities to achieve goals.

Confusing... You are trying to say: "Some people are attracted to city life because they are trying to achieve goals, such as school or work."

I personally believe that in the situation with a lot of discrimination which exist between people who lived in countryside and people in larger cities it is reasonable and logical for them to leave their home in countryside to fallow their goals in big cities.

I don't know what you mean by discrimination... you mean city people see country people as inferior or less advanced? Clarify this statement.

Honestly, to solve the problem, the government must be provide some factors which are necessary for the people who lived in countryside and identify the reason of abandoned and try to solve them.

This is a weak argument, try to think of a real solution. You mean that a large city should offer a program for new residents who are unfamiliar with the area?

In conclusion,based on what has been said , I personally believe that people's reasonsfor quitto leave the countryside isare logical. I didwould do the same if I was in that situation, because I like to follow my goals.and I bear all hardness forIt is difficult to achieve them, so for the solution government has to provide for country people who live surrounding the big citieswithwelcome centers.to convince them they can achieve all they want there and there is no need for abandon their cities to reach their goals in another places.

Writing Feedback / Freedom for creative artists is essential for the development of society and art [3]

Hi, I can help you with this paper.

With the development of the awareness about liberty and democracy, the freedom of speaking out is stated by public increasingly, and at the time, creative artists almost become the most crucial part of people who is willing and able to express their own ideas. Therefore, a debate about whether creative artists could express ideas freely in various ways (in words, pictures, videos or music) which the like and without government restrictions.

Your sentence structure is long and wordy. Try to be more concise. Here, in this paragraph, you mean to say these things:
1) There is a growing concern about rights, liberty, and democracy.
2) Freedom of speech is of the utmost importance.
3) An artist has the opportunity to exercise their freedom of speech through their artwork.
4) Artists use many forms of media to express themselves.
5) Main point (thesis) One popular debate is whether or not the government should regulate and restrict certain works of art.

You need to work on your grammar a bit more, and focus on being clear and concise. Make your argument apparent throughout the paper, and give strong reasons to support your viewpoint. Great job so far, keep it up :) Good luck in school.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL -Computers have made it possible for office workers to do their work [6]

Hi :) I chose the word "allow" because it sounds more proper and less casual. Yes, it sounds better to speak in the present if you are referring to something that is still happening. "Do's and don'ts is not wrong, but it sounds casual, and I chose a different word "rules" because it may sound better that way. Strengthen your conclusion, create at least 2 sentences for it. Use the conclusion to re-state the main point you are trying to make- that computer work from home is truly inefficient. Good luck with your writing :)

Undergraduate / 'my idea of studying in the United States' - Common Application: Three [4]

Hi, I can suggest a few changes that you may like to make:

The one constant person throughout my life, the person who has been a constant reminder of everything I should strive to be, a person who I have tried to emulate is my grandfather.

This sentence is too long, I would split it into 2 sentences.

As he likes to say, he is "70 years young" as he likes to say , and is a father to four children and a grandfather to nine grandchildren.

When he was a childyoung, he left schooldropped out after secondary school, nevergoing to university or any type of with no interest in higher education.

Yet in his later years he has strived to improve his own education and putting what he knows into perspective.
You could say: By putting his lifetime of knowledge into perspective, he has continued to educate himself.

ForOne example of thisis when he uses his knowledge of stone masonry to explain to me justexactly how the pyramids were built.

He has sculpted me into the intelligent and hardworking man I am today, And stimulated my interest and passion for the subject of History.
You may want to re-word this sentence.

Althoughwe don't agree on everything there are things that we disagree on, such as politics, these differences allow us to discuss ideas from different perspectives.

Nice essay, just try to tidy it up a bit by focusing on sentence structure and using the best possible words to describe the story. Try to be less "wordy" Keep it concise, as it makes the paper easier to read. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / People's reason for quit the countryside is logical [7]

Hi :) I can help with your grammar.

As far as I know,In the past decade, travel to the larger cities has increased.and it comes toTravel can be a noticeable problem and moreovercan also lead to some difficulties in larger cities such aswith huge populations . it is due to the factIncreased travel is becausethat people think that in larger cities there areoffer more opportunities for gainingachieving goals.and wishesThese opportunities arewhich there is not the sameare not available in the countryside. (keep working on this... I tried to tidy it up for you.)

In addition, these days because of information which spread all over the country easily and quickly as well as that increasing knowledge and information about facilities and equipment in larger cities and lack of facilities and equipment in the home in countryside be the cause of that people who live in countryside's wanting increased and they are more ambitious in comparison with several years ago .

Wow :) You say a lot all in one sentence. Try to break it up into shorter sentences, to make it easier to understand. You have a few points to make here:

1) People in the country are lacking technology
2) country people realize that the city has more technology, and awareness has increased
3) this makes people want to travel to the city, to experience the technology

Writing Feedback / "police office shouldn't carry guns" - do you agree or disagree with statement [3]

Hi, I can help :)

A gunmay beis typically considered to be a symbol of violence and power.

An great power comes with great responsibility besides all these facts(this sounds a bit corny, just re-word that phrase)IPersonallyI think that police officers must carry guns with them to maintain law and order.

People may argue about dangerous and catastrophic effects but its a measure of safety for the public and for officers themselves.
This is a little confusing... you mean to say that on one hand, people are afraid that guns cause catastrophes, but, on the other hand, guns are used for safety.

To begin with safety is major issue with all us.
Maybe say this: "It is human nature to be concerned for our safety."

Most ofgangsters(gang members) carry strong weapons and they don't think a second before using them. Without guns,h ow would the police officers can handle them?without guns.

Continue to work on your grammar... excellent topic, you have made many strong points in your essay.

Writing Feedback / 'family, school, and state' - CAUSES OF DROUPOUTS [3]

I have an idea to neaten up your intro, this may be easier to read:

The study focuses on several causes of dropouts within (at?) the university. The v ariables such as are socio-economic status, environment, chosen discipline, unexpected occurrence, performance of the students as well as performance of the school.can linkT his research study's purpose is to to ascertain the remedy of the problem and determine a remedy.

Poverty is the common root of the infinity of educational problems.
You could say: "Typically, educational problems are rooted in poverty and lack of school funding."

In the teaching-learning process, motivation is very vital, alongside other positive environmental factors.These factors affect the students' willingness to learn and the successful completion of their studies.

Graduate / 'standing out from the crowd' - Why I Should Go to Post University [4]

I am curious if there was a particular reason that you were encouraged to be a business major-- you may want to add that detail.

The fact that I'd only need one math class was the attraction, but once I started classes for my major, I FELL IN LOVE.

Hmm.. can you re-word this statement, you place too much importance on the math. Also, change "fell in love" because it is a bit corny and over-used in these type of essays.

I had no idea that there were so many theories and opinions out there on leadership, and when these leadership topics were applied to the business world, suddenly the business world wasn't so boring to me anymore.

This sentence is too long, shorten it or turn it into 2 shorter sentences.

My grades started to improve, and to my surprise I even made the Dean's List.
Wow good for you :) I would create a smoother transition from the previous sentence to this one.

Recently, I found out that some classes won't be needed if I go into the semester conversion at Wright State, and I opted for that.

This is a bit confusing, can you clear it up?

Suggestion: If you have any short-term or long-term goals related to your schooling, add that into your paper. The college would be more inclined to accept a person with a solid plan, or a goal that they are working towards... just a tip :)

Undergraduate / My common app essay about a trip to Italy! 'Hidden in the mountains is a town' [2]

Hi :) Nice job. You have a beautiful story that is described well. I can't find any errors. You have a good writing style, and this is a perfect example of a "significant experience" Right on point. If you could change one thing, it would be the final sentence-- maybe shorten it or re-word it to sound a little more concise. Once again, you have chosen a great topic... good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'things I never thought I would learn' - Significant experiences or accomplishments [3]

From the 1st to the 2nd paragraph---Continue with the "change" topic, to keep the transition smooth. You say:

I wasn't really the normal kid that you would see. I was the shy type; I never wanted to approach first. I used to keep all my feelings to myself because I used to think that people would never understand. I rarely talked, I used to observe and people suddenly misunderstood it, that is how I learn, I observe. When I was a kid I don't usually get out of those four walls of my room to play with other kids outside our house.

I would add a sentence or two before the "normal kid" story. Like, "There were moments in my life that served as a catalyst for my own personal growth. When I was young, my personality and attitude were just seeds, barely sprouting." Something like that, maybe a little metaphor to make it interesting. Get descriptive, use colorful words to describe details.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your writing :)

Research Papers / Concusions Among Young Athletes Peer Review [2]

Hi :) I can help review your paper, I'd like to focus on the grammar and the introduction. Great topic btw!

Concussions suffered by young athletes are(is?) starting to become a hot topic.
This sentence sounds a little off... consider re-wording it.

People used to think concussions were not serious and that they were just like any othersports injury.you can suffer while playing sports .

Now though, Recently, it is evident thatthey are seeing some of the side effects a concussion can have a great impact on athletes.A fter they havesuffer a concussion,andthethey can feel the effects they can have years down the road.butM ost of the findings have been from research on professional athletes.

With these findings, theyresearchers are starting to realize the seriousness of concussions and the effects they can have not only on professional athletes,but on young athletes as well . and not just professional athletes.

TheOngoing research they have conducted on young athletes who have suffered concussionshas found most of the short term effects of a concussion and some long term effects, but since there has not been a lot of research conducted on the long term effects they will need to conduct more research is necessary.

This sentence is too long... I tried to edit it for you to make it shorter.

Writing Feedback / 'Multitasking skills' - Effects of new technology on society [2]

Hi :) I can help you with your grammar

The enhancements of new technology make people life change slightly.
Maybe say this: "Technological enhancements have changed most people's lives."

Most of features are helpful and comfortableconvenient but some of them affect to education and family environment.

Multitasking, distraction, and relationship are some negative impacts to our society caused by new technology.
You mean to say: "New technology can have negative affects on society, because it causes distraction...". These negative impacts are kind of vague, be more clear, in order to strengthen your argument. In your first paragraph, you briefly mention the basis for the argument, and your reasons to support it. This is definitely the right way to do this, but it could be stronger, maybe re-word this a bit.

Multitasking skills have changed student style in society.
I think that "style" is not the right word here... explore some other options for describing the point you are trying to make.

He revealed that students were distracted frequently distracted,and thiswhich might lead them to be people who are unable to think well and clearly.

Writing Feedback / 'Do not rely on government to offer tuition' - GRE writing [5]

Hi :) I can help you with your grammar and make some suggestions:

University education plays a large part of a person'sindividual life. Therefore,In an article, the author suggests that the government should assist students who cannot afford their tuition.to university . In my opinion, it is not reasonable. sufficiently.

The universityA college education has a great influence on an individual's life, forbecause people usually improve their self-cognitionreach self awareness and plan to their future life.

More importantly, peoplegraduates become more mature and make wise decisions after getting university education, especially when faced with problems from career, family, and society etc. taking theFor example,of Steve Jobs ,who did not accomplish the university educationa degree , however, he admitted that if had not he learned calligraphy ,he would not be addicted to typefaces , not let to loneor haveestablished the apple company.

(In this paragraph, the 2nd sentence does not refer to the first. Consider making this point later n the essay, or find a way to connect these two ideas.)

By providing some financing to students,by enterprises, on the one hand,it could makehelp enterprises to executecomplete their obligations.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL -Computers have made it possible for office workers to do their work [6]

Hi, I can help with your paper :)

Some people think that working at homebrings tois too convenient for workers and employees,too much convenience, but i don'tdisagree .

Because the best conditions are sometimes not likely to be good as the expectation of people.
This sentence does not really make sense. You mean to say, "Some people expect their working environment to be perfect."

Working without pressure and interaction are some examples for these disadvantages.
What "disadvantages" are you referring to?? Confusing..

Pressure iscan lead to increased motivation.

Each office has its rules that keep workers doperforming their job as effectively as possible.

The directors manage employers and give them theproject deadlines.of projects.Then again,This leads tothe the pressure that workers experiencemustso that they try their best. to finish the time limit. Doing all jobswork at home doesn't make employees attempt to work like thisquickly .

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Univeristies knowledge and skill essay. [3]

UniversityA college degree is the lastfinal step and highest level of education before students begin to enter the world of work.
(However, many students work during school, so you may want to re-phrase this)

It is also the place where knowledge is obtained through huge mass lecturings .
You could say: Students obtain knowledge by attending lectures.

Since beingit is the last stage of preparation stage before work , experts debate about what knowledgeinformation should be inducedgiven tointo the students., still remains debatable.

Either only learn sufficient skills or indepthly in the subject?
Change the way you say this... maybe say "Should students only learn material that applies to their career path, or be required to learn from a variety of subjects?

On one hand, only studying what is needed , is supportedbeneficial.Some people believe that having adequate knowledge to complete their work is beneficialsufficient , forbecause it saves time from going indepth on the course.studying unnecessary topics

Writing Feedback / 'The additional facility at Tusk University' - Gre argument [3]

Hi, I have some suggestions for your essay.

The argumentAt first glance, it may seem logical that a new recreational facility will attract new students to enroll at Tusk University and alsoas well as solve the inadequacy of current facilities. may seem logical at first glance. The author makes a valid argument, one that would be correct itif its premises were true. However, his conclusion relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence, and it uses terms that lack definition.

First, the writer assumes that building a new recreational facility will attract new students,andcausing enrollment to double over the years. However, this new recreational facility mightcould be entirely irrelevantineffective at improving enrollment.and might not help to improve the enrolment at all.Suppose,F or example, if the new recreational facility that Tusk University plans on building is a theater,then students who don't engage in filming might not find this new recreational facility fascinating. Additionally, this new theatre would not necessarily serve its purpose of meeting the ever-increasing needs of the students .' needs.

Besides, the writer also assumes that the expected growing number of students will make the existing facilities inadequate. But, the writer provides no evidence to see if a parallel exists between increasing number of students and the inadequacy of existing facilities. Hypothetically speaking, the existing facilities might look old and shabby. This appearance might not arouse students' desires to use those existing facilities.

Also,Thewritearticle implies without citing specific evidence that students will be more inclined to use the on-campus facilities, due to the risingas the cost of the community health and recreational club membership.has increased. In fact, the community health and recreational club might be well equipped for certainoffer additional activities such as canoeing and mountaineering, which the school facilities might lack. If so, these students would rather spend more money to get access tojoin the community club. The argument's conclusion requires the support of evidence demonstrating that the school current facilities are fully equipped and advantageous to its students.

The notion that attractive new recreational center will attract more athletically gifted students to enroll at Tusk University would be strengthened if the writer had provided evidence that this attractive recreational center is an athletic facility and not science laboratory. (this sentence is far too long...) The author's argument would be strengthened considerably by additional evidence that shows some statistics and surveys that a large number of students are excited about the new recreational facility and a high percentage of these students will make use of it.

In conclusion, the writer would not necessarily be wrong to assert that new facility will potentially lead to some improvement in enrollment at Tusk University. After all, the additional facility will certainly not adversely affect the school image. But to support the current conclusion that a new recreational facility will effectively double the enrollmen t, the writer must submit more conclusive evidence that the new facility will, in fact, attract more prospective students. (try to make this final paragraph less repetitive, strengthen this section as best you can. Continue to focus on your grammar)

Undergraduate / 'the struggles my family faced' - My Ethical dilemma [3]

Hi, I have a few suggestions :)

Freud believed that the human mind and personality were completely shaped all before a person turned five.

My own experiences that have shaped me into who I am today all ironically began right after I turned five.
(You could say: "Ironically, my experiences that shaped me began immediately after the age of five.")

The year I was five meant many changes for me: a new home in a different continent, a different culture- a different lifestyle altogether.
This sentence is a bit confusing, clear this up-- you mean to say you experienced a great shift in your lifestyle, home, and culture.

They raised and disciplined me to understand and differentiate the difference of right from wrong, no matter how grey and undefined the situation may be.

(this might sound better " ... even if the situation was grey and undefined")

Both my parents worked hard and were well educated, but being first generation immigrants put them at a disadvantage, and the companies that would accept a rookie worker from a different country were not the most honest either.

This sentence is a bit too long, consider changing it into 2 sentences.

So when the aspect of money presented itself to me, I was overjoyed.
I would re-word this sentence, because it is very important-- the turning point of your paper.

My teacher of course chastised him for carrying so much money on him,...
Maybe say this: "Of course, my teacher reprimanded him for carrying so much money."

Nice story, keep working on your grammar. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / The expert teachers to make students learn the material? [2]

Hi, I will try to help with your essay :)

I believe that it is ateacher's responsibility to make students learn. S tudents are sotoo young to realize the value of education, so theyteachers need them to lead them. to learn.

Maybe instead of "make students learn"... say, "encourage students to learn"

First of all, teachers have enough experience and skill. T hey know how to teach the students because they graduated in the teaching field.Therefore, they can use their method and learning styleeducation and experience to teach the students.

Second of all students are in appropriate age to follow the direction so teachers should use the best way and method for students to be educate .

This sounds repetitive, because you mentioned this point already. Try to think of a better reason for students needing their teacher's guidance. Also, avoid using phrases like "second of all, third of all" etc. because people don't really talk like that.

Third of all students in this age want to spend their time in some activity that not only its not useful but also its so harmful for them so teachers should try to manage their time and activity and force them to learn the material.

Good point. But you say, "students in this age" and you are not specific about the age group you are writing about.

Experience has proven that most of the students prefer do something other than studying, they couldn't be self-learn.
This statement is not supportive to your main point.

You have a good basis for your essay, but it still needs some work. Check your grammar, and strengthen your reasons for the importance of teachers. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / 'mobiles are useful and dangerous' - essay [3]

Hi :) I can help you with your english and grammar.

Now mobiles is very popular because people love to talk with friends and use to keep and touch with parents. people can send massage, can use with internet even so they are can listen music and radio. now, mobiles is popular in China and Kitay.

Maybe say this: "Mobile phones have become increasingly popular because of their convenience. People enjoy using cell phones for many things, such as contacting friends and family. People can use their phones to go online, which lets them listen to music."

Businessmen use cell phoneswhenwhile they aretravel.

Parents use them to keep andin touch with their children .

Especially now mobiles is very fashionable between teenagers and their parents buy mobiles to children's expensive and fashionable mobiles but they are not think bad things mobiles. mobiles is very dangerous to people.

This sentence is hard to understand... You mean to say that mobile phones are a popular gift for parents to give their teenagers. However, there are some risks associated with cell phone use.

Keep working on your grammar, and try to find more reasons to support both good and bad sides of cell phones. Expand on your conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IETLS GT 2: should there be free health services? [9]

Health service fee is consistently a huge concern for the citizens in various countries. One of the suggested solutions to this issue refers to the provisions of free-of-charge healthcare service, despite in the expense of most advanced technologies on medical catering close to the exceptional cost.

Before you suggest solutions to the issue, be clear about exactly what the issue is>
You could say: "The rising cost of health care is a major problem for many countries."

One of the suggested solutions to this issue refers to the provisions of free-of-charge healthcare service, despite in the expense of most advanced technologies on medical catering close to the exceptional cost.

This sentence is really long, it would be easier to read if it was split into 2 shorter sentences.

Personally, I somewhat disagree with this approach based on the significant advantages brought by innovations in medications and maintain an acceptable level of service quality.

This is too vague, strengthen your argument.

The principal argument against health services at no cost is to enjoy the benefits provided by the newest medical treatments.
Not necessarily, free health care could mean a wide range of coverage, and may only cover basic services in some cases.

Writing Feedback / IETLS GT 1: Bus problems [3]

Hi, here are a few suggestions:

I am a student of Sunny high school, and a regularweekly bus passenger who takes the 59a route from Monday to Friday.in a weekly basis.

I am writing to complain about the unreliable schedule and the lack of tidiness issueofon the bus route.

Recently, it did not arrive on time and sometimes missed the schedule.

Normally, the bus staff would clean the wallson a regular basis.and clear the painting,H owever, these drawings remained, which affected the tidiness of the bus.

I would like to suggest the drivesrides to be much more punctual,in order to meet the schedule.The bus must run on time, since itswould led to the lateness would delay manyof a large group of passengers. Additionally, the staff should clean the bus more frequently, such as three or four times a week. I sincerely hope the situation towill be vastly improved in the near future.

Writing Feedback / 'blessed by uncle for being so alert' - The greatest achievement of my life [3]

Only time can tell where our lives are destined towardsour destiny,buttherefore we must make sure that our journey is enjoyable. full of hardships but enjoyable nonetheless.

Most of the time, a chievements are most of the timesthepart some of our beautifulbest memories, and mine too are no exception .

Even today, when I gaze outside the window of my compartment, the memories of the incident strike my brain and make me feel proud of what I had done few years back.

This is vague and confusing, can you be more clear when you write this?

Meanwhile the surrounding terribly messed up.
This sentence doesn't make sense.

After laying him lay down in the hospital bed, I hurriedlyquickly dialed his papa's number.

Continue to work on your grammar, and be sure that your story is clearly stated and readable. Good job so far :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY - 'News editors should broadcast & print a mixture' [3]

Television & newspapers arethecommon resources of current information.

All the news depends on the circumstances of the country.
This statement is too vague, be more specific.

News editors are just playing their role.
You need to be clear about the difference between "editor" and "reporter" because in the following sentences you blur the two together. The editors are the ones who have decided what to report and have written the story. The reporters just transfers information to the public. Both editors and reporters are journalists.

But occasionally some facts influence these decisions like; the strong Politicians, Political parties & government who can pressurize them to hide the reality from the citizens by hook or by crook. If there is dictatorship in the country, then obviously news editors will follow the dictator. But if there is democracy, then media will be free.

Try to be very clear and direct with what you say here. ewThis is an important point, it is more than occasional that the media tells people what the government wants them to hear. Almost all mass media is controlled, and the USA is a democracy where this media control is very common.

Mostly news are related to the law agencies, their do's & don'ts, government authorities, their policies, political parties, current affairs, sports, traffic & violent citizens etc. And all these things to keep in order is the responsibility of government & judiciary who are the most important pillars of the country & who runs it.

You have some good reasons to support your argument, but you need to organize them better, in order to answer the question. This statement sounds like a lot of rambling. Be more specific> you are trying to write WHY and WHAT influences the editors-- focus on that, its the main point of your paper.

Writing Feedback / 'a 80 years old widow had won five million dollars' - lucky person essay [3]

I enjoyed reading your thoughts on luck. I think you need to focus on the question a bit more-- it asks "Are you a lucky person? Do you believe in luck?" So, you should answer this question-- yes or no. Then explain why. I see where you have written> So what is luck and how can we measure it? I think this notion should not be so close to the ending of your paper. Also, remember to answer the question by saying more about how you are or are not lucky. Also, you could do a brief comparison of luck and success. Luck is very different. For example, a man who fishes for the first time, and catches a fish, is lucky, because he does not have any practice (this is the same kind of luck that the old woman in your story has) Success, on the other hand, is a man who practices fishing and has great skill, then catches a fish, he has success. I think you should speak from your point of view, in order to best answer the question, instead of saying "research has shown..." etc.

Undergraduate / (object-oriented programming, databases, web technologies) Motivation essay [2]

After finishing school, it is quite plain particularlycommon for everybodystudents to seekundertakeunder graduate studyeducation .

Students have many different ways of thinking, and according to their abilities and skills,accordingly them they choose their degree program and career.

As I want to work as an IT manager, and I should to have solid knowledge in both in IT and business.soTherefore, a bachelor degree in business information technology in Lahti University suits me the most.

As for me IT is one of the most interesting subjects,becauseand it's the fastest growing industry nowadays.

It effects particularly every person in global society.on the globe.

Scholarship / 'the interest in me to be a doctor one day' - Application for scholarship - Medicine [2]

Hi :) I have some suggestions that may help. The most important thing is your grammar, it must be edited to perfection, in order to compete with other applicants. The reasons you give are wonderful and you have a nice basis for your desire to become a doctor. However, I would shorten your little story about getting injured, because unfortunately this is far too common. If you can think of additional incidents or images that inspired your goals, you should add these to your intro. Save the part about your dream to be a doctor until the end of your intro, and use the things leading up to your dream as the beginning. Actually, try not to use the word "dream" too much and remove the "firstly" "secondly", etc. because these phrases are not typical when writing in English. Try to be as straightforward as you can. The people reading these papers are looking for your life plan. They want to see that you have real goals, short term and long term, the basis for these goals, the grades to back it up, and how college will help you achieve those educational and career goals. Explain how you will utilize the education that college has to offer, and how it will make you contribute to your community. If you make any changes, do not hesitate to re-post with your next draft. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / from drug addiction to successful student- common app transfer essay [5]

Hi :) I can tell you a few things you could improve. Your essay is well-done, so I can only find minor issues, but I guess anything helps right? :)

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line; invading my path however, were a few detours preventing me from staying aligned with the "average" young adult's timeline. Immediately after high school graduation, on June 22, 2008 I landed in Torrance, California. Desperate and helpless from the past few years of drug addiction, I entered a long-term, highly structured recovery program.

In this section I see two things- a slight "wordiness" that makes me trip over the words a bit while reading. The first sentence is rather long, but its a good intro. The second thing is that I feel like you need to add a sentence in between "high school graduation" and "desperate and helpless." The missing information that I wonder about is: you were dealing with addiction the last 2 years of high school? I wonder why and how this affected your performance in school?

By e ngaging in daily activities that consisted of chores, daily-reflections, meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings , family meetings, and building new relationships, I was able to begin constructing a new life.

Following the strong foundation that I built forduring my recovery, I decided to follow my dream and enroll in college.

Whether it was the concept of finding liberation through non-conformity portrayed in Lori Moore's "Self Help" in English class relating with Dennis Hopper's "Easy Rider" in Film, or learning about the excavations of the Neolithic era in Art History while learning about the people who did the excavating in Anthropology, I always seemed to gain a valuable education from a multi-perspective view.

This sentence is a little too long. I think it sounds better to write very straightforward> it sometimes becomes ineffective when you write ideas in the format: "from this...to that, and then add to that" But you are saying all the right things, so the format issue is minor. You may want to change that in the future. Any college would be lucky to have you, so I wish you luck with achieving your career goals :)

Research Papers / What are the key features of World War One? (research help) [3]

Have you tried to research this subject online? There are many websites that explain in detail the causes and happenings during the war. Maybe you could watch a short documentary that would talk about the war and what exactly occurred. If you are writing about your great grandfather, I would surround the paper around his involvement in the war. Explain the jobs he performed, and how the US military affected the events and outcome of the war. Be sure to tie in his work with the crucial moments of the war. This will make the paper really interesting, to follow one man's story, no matter how small, and show it as a reflection of the war as the big picture. Once you have something written, there are many of us here who would be happy to review your paper. Even if you have a short essay, or a rough draft, somebody is bound to review it. Good luck :)

Research Papers / benefit of peer based learning and how to maximize your fellow students' experience? [3]

There are many benefits to peer based learning.These benefitscan include high achievement in terms ofimproved knowledge, skill development,better attitudes, and greater confidence.a greatP sychological well-being is positively affected , asbecause every peer is able to spontaneously collaborate, given the opportunity to pass on information.This gives them the opportunity to share and gain knowledge from their fellow students, with whom they can identify and build positive relationships with. They also would be grouped according to their communication abilities, for example, a quiet and shy onestudent would be paired with a more extroverted one in order to make the learning more effective and muc h easier.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

Hello. I want to welcome you to Essay Forum. Anything that you write can be reviewed for you here. If you have any questions, include them with your paper. If you are a beginner, nobody expects you to review other essays, that is optional. Don't worry if your writing is unfinished or short, anything you post will be available for review. There are many of us here that are happy to help, so do not hesitate to ask. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'My sailing dream' - A statement of ambitions and life purpose [3]

Hi. I have a few ideas for your essay. Just some suggestions.

My life goal when I was a kid was to be the chef for the President, and then I decided I didn't like that idea so much.

You could say "As a child, I imagined my future job to be the President's chef, but then I changed my mind."

Those were the big aspirations, and sprinkled in between them were the usual firefighter, train engineer, police officer, logger, cowboy, and all the other stuff that kids dream of becoming.

As of aboutAt nearly 16 years old, my most immediate goal is to become an Eagle Scout.

As I get closer and closer to completing my goal, I am ponderingconsidering a new one to work on.goal for my future.

There are however many ways to glorify Him, and that is where myambition lies.come in.

Scholarship / 'My own Pharmacy' importance of education to me and how it will help me in the future [2]

Hi, I can help with your paper. I have a few suggestions.

From the second an individual is born into the world to the day he/she dies they are always learning.
Maybe you could say "A person is always learning, from the day they are born and throughout their entire life."

Education impacts Every aspect of life is related to education , from the car you drive, to astronauts goingtraveling to the moon. to a child's toy .

Education left a dent on me when I was in elementary school.
You are stating the obvious here, can you say this in a more effective way?

I saw her there,wearing a white coat and counting pills.with her white coaton andT hat was the day, I realized that I wanted to become a Pharmacist and ownrun my own store.

Writing Feedback / Having long hair - Essay - Feedback [2]

Hi :) I can help with your essay and grammar.

One thing you say is a bit harsh-- the part where you say you want to kill the barber... that's kind of extreme, maybe you could express your feelings for him in different words?

Also, you switch "tense" a couple of times, you should keep writing in one tense throughout the essay, it makes it easier to read. I mean that if you begin talking about "I" and "me" you should keep talking this way, instead of switching to "you" and "us".

I love my long hair, and I prefer to only want to cut my hairsthe tips.and heThe barber always cuts off too much. Why do I love my long hair? ( instead of a question here, you could say " There are many reasons that I love having long hair" or something like that)

SomeOne advantage of having long hair lies in the ease inis that you can change your look.For example, you can wear your hair picked up to create multiple hairstyles, or you could wear it loose.Straightened hair is perfect for a party, andalsoan unkempt look makes us see morelook natural and men love it.

Essays / Where to start? Essay on educational and career goals / achievements. [9]

I would write about the work you have recently done, that applies to the field you intend on studying. No bullets, I would write in essay format-- intro, body, conclusion. Introduce with a short explanation of who you are, where you come from, and what your passion is, in regards to the subject you are interested in. How does your past/current work experience effect your current situation? Anything extra special about the work you do? What have you learned, and how have you improved as a person because of these jobs? Tell about any special achievements, awards, or if you made a difference in your community or in somebody's life. Be specific if you can. Conclude by stating how your work experience has led you to seek higher education. State your short term and long term goals, and explain that a college degree will be exactly what you need to achieve your life plan. Good luck, and when you have anything written, re-post it in a new thread, we are happy to help :)

Undergraduate / 'Computer related fields of study' - Motivational essay for university [2]

Computer related fields of study have profound significance and application. That's why I long to pursue degrees in information systems, which has intrigued and attracted me to the world of modern computers and communication technology.

I think that when you say "That's why I long to pursue degrees in information systems..." you are referring to the first sentence. The first sentence is implied to be the reason you desire to learn this subject. I think this sounds a bit weak, and could be strengthened by giving more concrete reason for wanting to study computers.

I have always wanted a career connected with management with the computer as my main tool. Strategic planning, data management and data processing are few of the core fundamentals of my chosen curriculum.

When you say "have always wanted" it does not sound as strong as "I will" or "I plan to"-- these things show self confidence and drive. Then you could say, "My education will ideally include core fundamentals of my chosen curriculum, including..."

I want to pursue this curriculum at AUBG because the courses offered there will give me a global perspective by exposing me to people and technology from around the world, sharpening my team work and communication skills, allowing me to dig deeper into important technical subjects, as well as developing my capability and knowledge for IT workplaces.

This sentence is far too long, break it up into a couple of sentences, but these are great reason to support your paper.

I will have the chance to practice these methods of working with other students, learn new things from them and cultivate my capacity for social responsibility

Can you think of any other benefits to working in a diverse setting, besides learn new things from them (sound vague) Also, you repeat the exact part from the original prompt question: " cultivate my capacity for social responsibility". I would change this phrase, re-word it so it does not replicate the question.

Writing Feedback / The overlook among basic science [3]

The timeSince the first industrial revolution, witnessa high-speedeconomic development in economyhas rapidly increased around the world.which emphasize the importance of basic science.These achievements were made possible by the use of basic science, which led to advanced technology.

But Recently years, it represented a negative tendency thatan increasing amount of people tend tothe number of which is still increasing, ignore basic science studyeducation . I think the followingThere are several reasons that would account for suchthis phenomenon.

For one thing,becausethoseScientificsubjects haveresearch hasbeen developed over hundreds of years, andmost of themit generallyconstitutes a wide range of knowledge.which isScientific theories and technology can seemextremelytoo abstract and overwhelming for the majority of people.

You have some great reasons to support your thesis. There is one part that stand out as a bit weak-- "Moreover, everyone is human with limited time and energy, therefore, it is hard for us to absorb all the cream of each subject, as we have plenty of courses to learn." Maybe you could add a true fact... such as that different people are inclined to different subjects, and studies have shown that particular people's brains are practically hardwired to understand these concepts. Right brain/ left brain... some people simply don't excel in science because they lack the intelligence in that area of study.