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Posts by SHanafi
Name: Sekar Hanafi
Joined: Jan 17, 2014
Last Post: Jul 2, 2017
Threads: 120
Posts: 357  
From: Indonesia
School: Diponegoro University

Displayed posts: 477 / page 9 of 12
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SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Why people go to Japan for vacation (Writing Class' assignment - English Major) [4]

You can say I'm overwhelmed

hey still positive make you happy :)
Hey in

Japan is regarded as one of the best country to spend your holiday on because of the following reasons.

you did well.
be confident of yours

I know it's bad

I can't act upon my lecturer's advice because I honestly don't know how to revise it

for this I suggest you to ask clearly what he(she) wants in order to your improving. For me you may use compound and complex sentences to make betterment in your essay.

I could think of everything in my head so I didn't have to search for sources (well I put only one because it's required

I am also in line with you according to this.

(yeah, I'm really depressed about this, I'm scared that I have to redo this class and I can't graduate early because of that).

hey, do not undesrsetimated yourself. I get from My tutor, Dumi (EF Moderator), Pahan (EF contributor), practicing is the BEST way to improve your writing :).
SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: some actions should be taken to preserve the endangered languages [7]

hy...
Some I know

of endangered

When a language disappears,it is impossible that the culture related to it can survive.

it refers to ?

In conclusion, although fewer languages bring much convenience to our daily life, yet the negative effects, which include diminishing cultural diversity and losing different ways of thinking, can by no means be neglected.

The commas make reader confused while read, consider to re-write this sentence.

overall, this nice which you take many strong verbs.
SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS (Writing 2) - Personality development - Born characteristics Vs Experiences [3]

Hi, you are wealth in vocabulary variation. Better if you consider the coherent line when you choose the vocabulary.

Amongst the heated debates on whether inherited characteristics or life experience is the most critical contributing factor to this development, my personal sentiments are on par with the idea that the great importance of life experience outweighs its counterparts.

consider to separate this thesis statement.
SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers? [4]

hi, I am confusing about the subject verb agreement in this essay

this some of them

Opting for a decent job that a person highly satisfies with demands thoughtful considerations

If may keep this sentence, you need 2 verbs while you mention one conjunction.

After looking at such critical contributing factors argued by many scholars as compensation packagesI think this main sentence need verb, job autonomy and recognition from management, my personal sentiments are on par with the idea that management acknowledgment simulates employees' satisfaction.

Bankers, who work at Goldman Sachs as ample example, do demand not merely much discretionary bonus, but also recognition from management after closing every big deal.

but also pairs with not only

The aforementioned situations are neither common nor plausible in most organisations due to the fact that fierce competitions are commonplace among employees and that frameworks set by graphic designers in the case of the previous paragraph hinder the creativity of novel advertisements designs.

I think for 1 conjunction you put too many verbs.

Overall level of job satisfaction of employees, therefore, exhibits a drop naturally.

I cannot find the verb.

hopefully this help enough
SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Pros and cons of Credit card [8]

hi, Linh

I read from somewhere that in writing we should use more formal words like 'advantages and drawbacks'.I am a new comer here .

It does't matter. I am new comer also. I am appreciate that you give me a new information about word using. Thank you :)
SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : Born talents or Experiences - which is the major influence? [4]

Research indicates that the characteristic we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life. Which do you consider to be the major influence?

=============================================

Characteristics and experiences might influence personality and development in people life. Therefore, some thoughts argue one of them should be more dominance than others. I contemplating the experiences have enormous impact otherwise characteristics were.

Human disposition and growth may pertinent substance which is carried through parent inheritance. Obviously, there are several examples from family with similar interesting with their parents such as The Jackson Five. They loving in singing are the evidence of parent gene transformation while in the developing, this trait may become their succeed modality to well-known throughout the world. On the other field of interest, there are Ananda Mikola and Moreno Suprapto who are announced as sibling racer from Indonesia.

However, the nurture proponents claiming that the environment, related to experience, influences in shaping the way a person develop. A considerable example can be found to substantiate this argument. Children may understand about a hurt as an electricity shock after they experienced touching naked cable. Therefore, this experience may develop them to be uncurious, to try something new, person because they have been experience traumatic backward.

I ponder experiences as the foremost stance in front due to human personality and development. A quotation from Sigmund Freud, psychoanalysis forefather, "Experience consists of experiencing that which one does not wish to experiences" substantiates my tendency. Although people with inherit develop resemble interest or personality but this just in few case. The evidence based that people who train in the powerful experience may develop their character and weaken their inherit side. As common evidence, majority Jakarta's inhabitants are tough enough because they have trained in the sophisticated situation even though they came from different origins.

In conclusion, however two kinds of variables take paradoxal portions in human influence. I considering the nurture may outweigh the nature due to either human disposition or talent in the following era.
SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : Distance Education or Classroom-based learning. Agree Disagree [3]

Hello all, I am in my journey to improve my writing. Please kindly comment for mine, Thank you

Distance education delivered via the internet or television has more advantage than classroom-based education. Do you agree or disagree?
==================================================
In the 21st century, mode of learning has been changed. Providing conventional method embodies classroom-based education is viewed as ancient way which has limitation in the several ways. This evaluation then might raise the opponent to develop the distance education, delivering via internet or television, as a solution concluding more advantage rather than the former learning method. I tend to agree with the latter.

The distance education is pertinent to no limit learning. In fact, modernization era forces people to learn anywhere and anytime because majority of them is run by time. Therefore, the distance education takes an important benefit of this phenomenon in such activities embodies holiday, doing hobby or leisure accessing internet or watching television in order to acquire much information are permitted. Next, the material and the methodological providing in the internet are abundance. These valuable things may make people enlarge they knowledge. Although teacher in class give a topic of learning, learner can expand their knowledge inherently with the topic. For example, the schoolteacher explains about irregular verbs and gives ten examples as memorizing words. Schoolchildren which accept this origin way only know ten verbs that teaches gives, but for the others who access Youtube they might get more words, effective way to memorize and perhaps suitably learning modality in order to increase their understanding.

On the other side, classroom-based education has several benefits, too. Schoellhorn cited that students consistently maintained that there could never be a substitute for a flesh-and-blood instructor. As an implementation, in classroom-based education teacher also functioned even doubled or tripled beyond their job descriptions embody as a motivator, a punisher, an enemy even an inspire person for their students. Taking my experience as an example, I came in IELTS Homestay to meet a teacher. Although sometimes he getting mad at me or caring me as his daughter, I still want to join in his class. Furthermore, classroom-based education also provides experiential learning which is not available in the distance-based learning. This feature allows student experienced the competitive atmosphere to improve the socialization skill with their classmate.

In conclusion, the aforementioned about classroom-based education tend me to agree that this method outweigh than distance-learning education. While, the distance-learning based may offer very appreciate for wider knowledge opportunities, classroom-based education completed with teacher cannot be changeable.
SHanafi   
Feb 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Wealth and poorer nations; 'developing country and developed country' [3]

hii, little from me

countries make program which is dedicateddedicating

As we knowthat one of big problems which happens in developing countries is nutritious and food supply.

for two conjunctions you need three verbs

government in developing country also havehas responsibility to take care their people.

while nowadays we still often seeing many beggars, non-educational children and hunger cases in several areas.

verbs ??

he wealth country havehas good....

I think the basic need have to be full filled by the government in that country and aids from another should be more considered.

this is an abstruce sentence. But I like your idea in this essay, like a humanity activist :)
SHanafi   
Feb 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: "To err is human" - listening to the advice of family and friends [9]

Hiiiii...
I do not know exactly about the rules of TOEFL examination. For me you reflect your experience in this essay. when I read this like read an autobiography, but overall I like the way you deliver your idea and also your diction. I get many new vocabularies, thank you :)
SHanafi   
Feb 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Describing Map Chorleywood Area [11]

ou should not talk about the technical presentations

hi, Pahan. while I mention the technical content, like diagonally area and darkly area, it makes reader easier to identified which part of map I described, isn't it ?

During the period of 1883 to 1992 there had been a significant development taken place around the railway station making the village about three times larger than what it was.

after I read your example, I need to think more which part you mentioned, and I also seek repetitively the additional information in the bottom of the map.

All I wanna ask that which part we should attend more to describe in our writing, the content or the latent analysis of the map?

* I hope my question is quite understandable for you.
SHanafi   
Feb 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETLS Task II : News Editor decide to broadcast or print in news paper [4]

I think it is better you keep writing your own essays on IELTS topics.

However, pay attention to every comment that dumi provides

this on the way, Thank you Pahan :)

If you practice according to here instructions, you will keep improving for sure

I hope so

She is pretty good at getting our essays aligned with the prompt and task requirements :)

thank you for both you and Dumi :)))))
SHanafi   
Feb 22, 2014
Book Reports / THIRD CULTURE KIDS (article re-write) [8]

I may not be sugar coating when I give my comments to you, but all of them are aimed at helping you understand the mistakes and bettering your writing skills.

I am speachless.

I will find some good essays written here on TOEFL and IELTS topics and give you the links. You can read them to enhance your vocabulary knowledge and sentence structures. You should not try very complicated words and sentence structures at the beginning. Have priority for delivering ideas more clearly.

How lucky I am, once again thank you, Dumi :D
SHanafi   
Feb 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / STRICKLY ENGLISH (Article re-write) [3]

I try to re-write an article which was read by me
open for structural correction.

British columnist-newspaper Simon Heffer discuss about his releasing book 'Strictly English; the Correct Way to Write and Why it Matters', addressing for native speakers.

For recent years, I was routine sending email to my friend in this newspaper for few weeks to brighten about their mistake of English language using. Gladly, this is valuable. This email, however, circulates in the internet and now releasing on paper's website which is followed by several members. One of them was ended up inbox of a publisher at Random House last year then released a invitation to me. He asked me whether I would write a book just what constituted correct English, however it contains challenge. The former is relatively easy to do, once one has armed with Oxford English Dictionary (OED) and others are reputable grammar book based on the superficial research result. The latter, being a matter for debate, is less straightforward.

I assume, my attention in language rose in the school edge. Take some lessons, French, Latin, and Greek, have been expanded my own world with the words. When I studied German later on, sister tongue is interested me to know more about big impact of English. Furthermore, I observed that words have a specific meaning to avoid misunderstanding, so correction stance for the suitable way. Grammar was also fascinated me, and especially by the logic that drove it, there was a common to all the other languages I knew. I was un-ambitious in those days my living earns from writing. But, I just believe that my English using has walked in the correct way.

Studying English in the University force me to know more about what the word meant; why the writer chooses noun rather that the others, why we should aware about subjects verbs in a sentence and why that no adjectives, in George Orwell's case, at all. Was the ambiguity in a certain order or words deliberate or incidental? The entire question of communication was sourced in such things. This is encouraged me to know more about language history in my second part of my degree. Studying how word has changed their meaning and the evolution of grammar is very keen to know depth. Furthermore, language has a deeply meaning for me not only as tools but also become my main favorite.

Can English ever be fixed? Of course not, it is always according to the textual field. We can see contextual meaning influences the word and also the evolution of those. What that was happen in the differences of word meaning usually happen in several field of study. According to this case we should make a standardization dictionary now. Since OED was completed in 1928, many writers refer their English pattern based on it. This is acceptable for avoiding ambiguity reason.

Actually, this standard is that I hope Strictly English is looked. Our language has a great settlement and codified, in which is stereotyped people recognized and comfort with. All of my books are commanded and explained about those standards and helped people capable to reach English in their tongue. We intend to use new words to describe new things; but we do not need wrong words to describe the right things, when the right words exist. Moreover, English grammar should not become debate material. It has logical and rational reason for us to stick it on.

Some groups of people often utilize language for their internal community consume; state officials, academics, lawyers, certain breed scientist as an examples. They talk to each other in private language. Nevertheless, we could not judge this as a fault while in the internal official document language has been acceptable to avoid satire for other major. In other side, the understandable purpose of writing is not equal with the reader intelligent. Banker which has not understood about psychologist bulletin cannot judge as a foolish, this proved language using is contextually.

Many authorized writers seems have lost of knack to communicate with other outside their close environment. Most of scientist was billingualist, indeed if asked to write for publication outside their field-such as a newspaper- they can automatically revive their writing logically in plain English. They do not immerse themselves such a trend while their write for journals. This is important to view about the writing purpose itself. While, scientist wrote in journals is such a superior evidence of discover succeed, in order to prove their ability in their society, it is monotony, expansive, and abstruse. Those who write in such a way perhaps are not discouraged, unless what is considered acceptable within their disciplines changes.

The ideal style was understandable to any intelligent person. If you confused to communicate with select group, such tips that I will give you; trying to practice in the large audience or even a small one that you wish could understand your meaning or writing of the sort that possible. This sort functions is kept by general public thanks and net someone who might published someday. In the forward, the advent of internet can be used to spread widely instead having sort writing damagingly effects on the syntax and make it to be infected.
SHanafi   
Feb 22, 2014
Book Reports / THIRD CULTURE KIDS (article re-write) [8]

I know the above is not a part of your essay.

you are right Dumi. This is not my essay. I try to practice my grammar with read an article and than re-writing it.

I try to re-write an article which was read by me

let me explain your sentence, please give corrections again
"try" is verb of "I"
"which" is adjective clause altered "article"
"was read by me" is a passive form.

maybe, there you full of laugh when read this because my way to study similar with elementary student. :D
SHanafi   
Feb 21, 2014
Book Reports / THIRD CULTURE KIDS (article re-write) [8]

hi...

it should be active sentence I think.

Yap you're right. In my previous it doesn't make a sense. Thank you
SHanafi   
Feb 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The Freedom of Creativity [5]

doing creative will make balance our brain and the people with passion in creativity are able to develop their ideas in many of art media like books, movies, pictures and musics.

I am with D

This sentence is too long and has a few grammar issues. I suggest you to rephrase it :)

umi
Let me try
Doing creative will balancing our brain. This process similarly occurs in creative people who able spread their idea in several media embody books, movies, pictures and musics.

good luck for your exam Fardhani Putri :D
SHanafi   
Feb 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETLS Task II : News Editor decide to broadcast or print in news paper [4]

News editor decide what to broadcast on television and what to print in newspaper. What factors do you think influence these decisions? Do we become used to bad News? Would it better if more good news was reported

====================================================

Throughout the time, News has become a part of everybody's lifestyle. Many people work behind the news producing, includes News editor who is responsible to decide what it should be printed or broadcasted.

Moreover, News editor has several considerations which are stance before it delivers to the News consumer. Location where the events occurred is one of the News editor considerations. Local editor tends to pick the issue from place nearest with him (her) even in the same time there is another interesting event needed to report. Further, another consideration to pick news for publishing by their agency is the issues popularity. The President's affair certainly has differential content in order to catch reader interest rather than reportage about university's graduation. Those considerations are related to the "selling point" in order to preserve reputation and rating from the News Agency where they work.

Nevertheless, daily News not always contains good values. Although reportages, demonstration and rebellion, include violence which can influence immature reader to copied, majority of our society may consume it as daily need. It is because the society believes that there is a good value they can get behind the bad content. This belief wider to a vision for the betterment in news report someday.

Therefore, better quality of new may similar with the literacy skill in the society and certainly this is essential to dealt with their daily duties. Qualified News is responsible to wider people knowledge in society elements such as student, worker or professionals. For example, student may wider their point of view, or a lawyer inspires to give suggestion for his client based on case update which News broadcasted or printed was.

In conclusion, considerations from News editor to pick issues in the printed or broadcast News surely affected society. As News consumer, each of society should be wise to pick where News, good or bad, needed in order to wider their knowledge.
SHanafi   
Feb 20, 2014
Book Reports / THIRD CULTURE KIDS (article re-write) [8]

I try to re-write An article which I was read. Pleasure to correct mine

Nowadays, International careers are usually released the third culture kids (TCKs). This called for children who are growth in a culture and separate with their parent culture passport(s). The developmental surround cultural complexity is linked them with their experience from adults TCKs (ATCKs).

Ruth Hill Useem, a sociologist, begins her research in India with expatriates. She found that people who came from their home (first culture) to crowd place (second culture) made lifestyle which was different with them. The condition is called "third culture" as the termination. For children who nurture with this phenomenon Useem noted "third culture kids". This day, most of expatriates families have been kept using their familial pattern while they live overseas.

Next, we can see some examples for these cases. Brice Royer, the former of TCKid website, is a child from the UN peacekeeper. His father is a half-French/half-Vietnamese, whereas his mother is Ethiopian. Brice lived in seven countries before his eighteen; France, Mayotte, La Reunion, Ethiopia, Egypt, Canada, and England. Based on this numerous movement he said, when people talk to me where I came from, I just make a joke and answer "My mom said I came from heaven".

The other ATCK story, a little Elizabeth Dunbar should be followed Roy, her father, in his relocation. It was from Jamaica to Britain. Her mother, Hortense, was a child from Jamaican immigrant in Britain at that time and had a scheme to oust "one day". Therefore, when Elizabeth would build careers in Britain, she had to face the second relocation to Venezuela because of her fathers' job, too. This nomadic life still occurs in the following years and also forced them to live in the three different countries in USA. Presently, based on her experience living in several countries she realized that racial diversity may be recognized; the hidden cultural diversity of her life remained invisible.

Notwithstanding, such complexities, most of ATCKs share their experiences and this way gave direct privilege for them. They have seen the world and get the opportunity to become billiangualist or more. The most important thing from their understanding is about culture and individual differences; they can spread out the way of seeing life. It is nice whether or not all of the children might not get this good chance. An ATCK Mikel Jentzsch, the author of Bloodbrothers-Our Friendship in Liberia one of the best- selling books in Germany, has a German passport but grew up in Niger and Liberia. He also experienced to become soldier before the civil war forced his family to leave that country. Through his perception, the stories of those ATCK would otherwise overlook as life reflection to us.

Likewise, it is important to understand the reason behind TCK experience. Many ATCKs now are in the influence and stance in power position which can be benefit as the weapon for them to face globalization challenge. Usually the ATCK succeed while doing businesses or in the professional working as the result of the ATCK experience live through the world. The main benefit of ATCK is altering fear become challenge and also fracturing conventional world view. This skills guide differences for them, ATCK and non-ATCK, in order to different point of view about diversity in tradition such as race or gender.
SHanafi   
Feb 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / Traditional methods of cooking is likely to be extinct - IELTS writing [7]

hi,

This essay raises the issue related to traditional foods,

I think this is unnecessary

What I mean by this is that,

this contain speaking tone

I considered myself as an example of those people I stated above.

This is quite confusing for me. You can give more detail about this example. Maybe because your busy (work more than 8 hours) or you have many deadlines, allow you to consume fast food frequently (try to make the better formal sentence for this).
SHanafi   
Feb 20, 2014
Undergraduate / Temple University -personal and professional accomplishments [3]

hi, I like the way you deliver your experience. Appears with your fear to apply to the university until you have graduated with honour. I am beginner reader, for me your essay is nice enough, I can reflect your experience while I read. Well done :D
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Undergraduate / Issue of Importance essay - Having trouble with past or present tense/opinions on prompt? [2]

Hi, joojoray
after I read your long feel, do not worry. Every person also has their fears.

I'm not quite sure if my paper would flow better if I were to write

I am not sure if I should write in present tense ( I just want to avoid coming off as whiny or trying to make excuses) or past tense.

This still be your nightmare if u keep stay inside your fear and do not encourage yourself to move on. I see you already compose idea about your essay "commuter student" with well. I suggest you try to write. It doesn't matter how much word you produce, tenses also grammar usage, the importance that you brave to face and try to defeat your fears.

Have a nice try :D
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : the influence of advertisement on children [8]

Another point should be considered that a large sum of money must be supplied by the parents to satisfy their children's desire for more material.

I am afraid this is extend of the prompt
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETLS Task II : Information Technology Benefit vs Disadvantages [2]

Dear guys, I am not sure the intro and conclusion is quite enough to answer the prompt. My confusing stand because the prompt not require me to explain briefly my personal tendency. Sure I am opened for entire corrections. thank you.

Information technology is changing many aspects of ourlives and now is dominating our home, leisure and work. To what extend do the benefits of information technology outweigh the disadvantages

... ...

Information technology (IT) nowadays likes nuclear explosion which influences all parts of live including home, leisure, and work. People and IT are unity. Obviously, this unity is caused benefit from the IT usage and helpful enough for people activities. Thereby, this view raises some thoughts believing IT merits are more valuable than IT demerits while the other groups stand in the opposite.

To begin with, the growth of technology is marked as a gift for all of society. Parts of our work are vastly done because of technology. As an illustration, in educational field scholars are easily learnt and also investigate about their research easily as the contribution of technology. IT altered manual writing and material finding easier with clicking and pressing keyboard button on a computer. Moreover, IT features also take part in planning holiday. Travelers may find information before travelling embodies, weather condition, local culture, or culinary pattern instantly from numerous websites as a consideration for plan their vacation well. For example, destination place is in winter so they can prepare appropriate wardrobe to face the weather. As interesting most of these features serve for free.

Nevertheless, IT also brings drawbacks as make people dependent and selfish. Become common nowadays even child, teen, and also adult have depended on smart phone. Thus, accessing social media or entertainment features raise addiction among them and also weaken socialization skill. For instance, most of teens can facebook-ing while listening or twitter-ing in the term of family gathering. It decreased their social skill whether they just monotony aware with a screen.

In conclusion, certain that the benefit of IT outweigh it drawback because most of our problems are easily solved with well.
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Pros and cons of Credit card [8]

In addition to that, try to use noun phrase to make your sentence more interesting which is what examiners are looking for

yap, in my way Arun, thank you for nice advice.I need more when do it in writing

The previous sentence means the same and therefore this one becomes redundant . Better leave this sentence out.

Also, this is about how credit cards influence people to get tempted with their buying decisions.

Yuhu Pahan, thank you
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Research Papers / How can language disorders in children affect their education? [5]

I am not in capability to give you suggestion about grammar usage. I hope the expert one either moderator or contributor can help you in advance sooner. I am not native but for me your essay good enough which success deliver the topic clearly ^.^. Don't worry maybe you can attach this writing "urgent" to catch fast responses.
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Student Talk / What is ielts writing? I am confused. [27]

Hi, you are not alone, I studying IELTS also and have same weakness with you. Little suggest that I get from my tutor, Dumi (our moderator) and Pahan (our contributor). We should practice, because it is skill not knowledge. I want to noted that memorizing is good, but better you do writing more. Cheers an good luck :)
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Research Papers / How can language disorders in children affect their education? [5]

hi, I little bit confused when you give this example.

For example, there is actually a famous actress that I enjoy watching on TV that has an intellectual disability. She has Down syndrome, and her name is Jamie Brewer. She displays that she can take care of herself and still can do normal activities by the different roles she does.

because there is no explanation about down syndrome before. Previously you have detail explanation about
classification of intellectual disability (mild,moderate,severe,and profound). Probably you should add which classification is down syndrome included.

but overall this understandable for me as a reader
:)
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Parents are most selfless well-wisher of children - IMPORTANT QUALITIES OF A GOOD SON OR DAUGHTER [5]

hi,
I cannot get this

What are the important qualities of a good son or daughter? Have these qualities changed or remained the same over time in your culture?

when you explain.
take a look in your intro

But development of world has brought manychanges in human kind , in their living behavior and humanity. Thrust of reaching on the top keep today's youth so occupied with their work that they ignore their family life and obligation toward their parents.

I suppose to add "important quality of a good son or daughter" it is can be better in order to answer your prompt.

I am not sure this the best, but I just try to make mine
Good child quality,either son or daughter, nowadays has been changing to another one. Probably, this changing is one of world development effect. Although some thought noted this quality has been changing, the opponent believe there are many good children who remain the quality in their culture.

However, I also opened for any comment of this intro :)
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : About athletes's Income [7]

However, while there are many jobs are more essential than sports, I do not agree with the idea that athletes make
more money than others is unfair.

choose 1 linking conjunction

can smel l

I am sure this is an appropriate word
SHanafi   
Feb 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Living in "CONSUMER SOCIETIES" [2]

Many people say that we now live in 'consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

============================================================
Consumerism grants people a taste of the good life. Obviously, it is also engaged with material possession, earning money and social status in the society. However, some people believe that consumer culture might bring vital role in order to improving lives. Although this is true, in my opinion good life could not potentially affect by consumer culture.

Firstly, Consumerism has several positives which are engaged with happy life. Moreover, happy life which is marked as acquire prestigious items or money may force people to work hard for increase their earnings. Thereby, creativity and innovation are flooding in their head as a drive to earn more money. For example, the owner of online shop who really wants to buy iPhone uses several innovations in order to raise her sale. Secondly, the power of consumerism also affects trading among countries and then consecutively increases national domestic income. For example, demanding of Japan vehicles might rise export and also encourage the economics condition. Furthermore, those explanations above mentioned that consumerism is stance for live improving.

On the contrary, good living is not always linear with consumerism. Some people are willing to be selfish and unaware with surrounds. They may guide their behaviour to satisfy pleasure with unlimited. This act makes them as victim of their act, certain it is followed by unhappiness feeling. For instance, chronic shopaholics never feel satisfied of their buying although they already shop for doubled even tripled in a month. Moreover, highly concerned about self needed might causes people less care of the environment condition. They do not aware and think to spend their money for charity or donation for humanity probably.

Finally, the impact, good and bad, of consumer society might probably coin as human choice for their live improving. I believe that every person already take highly consideration before dive into consumer culture.
SHanafi   
Feb 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, food travels thousands of miles from the farm to the consumer. --ielts [8]

hi, I am beginner and here's little from me

Also, as the environment in metropolitans is greatly polluted, people, by doing so, are still able to enjoy pollution-free vegetables.

his sentence quite confusing when I read.
and

some farmers crop them days before maturation ,

I am not sure this is an appropriate word. In my understanding, maturation commonly used in physical or psychological field.
SHanafi   
Feb 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Male and Female Fitness Membership [5]

The graph below shows the increase of fitness membership between genders in the past 35 years measurement.

Overall, the number of men membership fluctuated with significant range rather than numbers of women membership.

Record noted in 1970 there were 1000 women and more doubled men who joined membership in fitness centre. Furthermore, both trends fluctuated in the onward. In 1975 men membership rose dramatically to 4000 then fluctuated under 3000 member before reach a peak by 5000 in 1995. In addition, numbers of men membership in year 2000 decreased by tenth comparing with the early measurement. However, women trend fluctuated fewer than 3000 at whole of period. Around 2000 women joined membership in 1975 and dipped to 1800 in 1980 then took a top membership by 2900 in 1985. The journey of women trend then decreased by 2100 and toke twins number by 2900 with the couples years ago. Therefore, it is important to underlined that proportion of each gender membership was switch between early and the end of measurement.



  • fitnes_male_and_fema.png

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