Writing Feedback / Earning capacity of successful SPORTS professionals Vs OTHER professionals [3]


" thanks to their ability to perform larger amount of physical effort" - this part does not make any sense and certainly not add any value for your essay.


... This essay is about professionals and not about ordinary people.
You need to pay attention to your essay structure, building meaningful sentences, vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / City vs countryside (essay by 8th grader in Norway) [3]

Hi
What's the purpose of this writing? Is it a term paper? Or answers to a few questions? .... It's good to tell us the purpose so that we could align our comments accordingly :)

If you write an essay, then avoid numbering. But, if it just an answer sort of, then it's ok.



... tell why!
Therefore many people tend to live in the cities in hope that they offer them better job opportunities.

Writing Feedback / Parents should encourage their children learn a secondary language as soon as possible [3]


... start sentences with capital letters even during your practice sessions. It's a healthy habit and also less distractions for us to provide you with comments. We love neat and tidy essays :D


Others argue / Other person argues


....Actually research finding have proved this is a misconception. They say the adults are better at picking up a language. It is that children are not sensitive about how they present their ideas, especially with making mistakes when they talk :D

Writing Feedback / A 100 feet walk through a street of India [4]

This is very good writing. I enjoyed reading your essay.
However, don't use numbers in essays. It's good to have the words because I feel the numbers disturb the imagination :D


... Also, we expect you all to have neat and tidy essays on the forum. It may help you earn better comments too.
Good writing and good luck!

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

Well... I think creativity comes with passion and confidence. That is something another person cannot teach. However, with what you've written above, I feel you can easily be a prolific writer. You have expressed your problem very effectively and of course creatively :D

Just don't bother about your it. Let your ideas flow free and pen them down in rough sketches. Then organize them better. Post your writing here and we provide you with feed backs and that'll help you build confidence. :)

Undergraduate / "Days to germination: 7-10."; Essay about failure/ growing tomatoes [3]


... certain parts sounds a bit repetitive. This is what I suggest;
The next day, the day after and even on the seventh day, I kept trying my luck which never came my way. Yes, I failed in germinating seeds of chive, pepper and lavender. They sat dead on windowsill.


...nice :)


.... fine? How about;
Failure is not harmful, as long as one stays determined and committed.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; There are three main reasons why people attend college or university [4]


For example, they want to increase their knowledge, gain new experiences, prepare themselves for future careers.
How about networking opportunities? That is also a mostly sought factor in college life and it contributes a lot for one's success in future.


....yes indeed.


They look for qualified and experienced employees who are equipped with necessary skills in the field.

Writing Feedback / Traveling broadens one's perspectives [6]

Well... I didn't mean that.... but, it is good to pay a little attention to your essay structure. The more you practice the more you can improve. I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL.

Writing Feedback / Young adults are full of dreams and passion about their future. Do they need more independence? [3]


Young adults are very passionate and full of dreams about their future.


..."persuade" means "convince" and "pursue" means follow or chase. So the appropriate word here is "pursue".
Try to have more specific examples for your reasons. They help you convince your reasoning better.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Why Do People Feel Isolated from Each Other and what are the solutions? [3]


... impressive start!


... very beginning of what?
rely on each other ... not rely to
People have been living in groups and communities from the very beginning of human evolution and they always relied on one another for living.



...."really isolated" - this phrase is getting repeated too often.

Writing Feedback / The excessive usage of social networkings [3]


There are many more social networks, in fact EF is also one of them. However, Facebook and Twitter are the most famous. So include that point in this line;

Facebook and Twitter are among the top of online social network that exists across the globe.


This doesn't come clearly. This is what I suggest;
Online social forums enable their members to find out latest infomation about their loved ones and friends, upload photos and also to chat. They keep their members closely connected to each other.

Writing Feedback / college and university should be available for all students or only to good students [4]


Nowadays, many people look forward to receiving a degree from university or college to acquire more in depth knowledge in their areas of study in order to prepare themselves with good career opportunities in future.



... powerful students? .... not good :( ....may be , smart students.


:D

Letters / Brief Description of my career (iOS Developer) [4]


I have experience in working with Basic Cocoa Touch Frameworks and other types of frameworks such as MapKit & Core Location, Squlite etc.


Further, my work exposure includes working with various communication methods such as HTTP request, web service Restful and web service SOAP while JSON was used in the projects I handled. Please refer to my Resume for further details.

Writing Feedback / Talent vs Training - Talent is more important! [5]


State your opinion in the introduction itself. That helps you take your examiner in your desired direction.


... this is a comparison and therefore average makes better sense. Good sentence!
You need to provide specific examples for your reasoning in the body paras. For example, you can talk about a famous singer with his or her inborn talents and show the reader that he/she wouldn't have been reached such heights without talents.

You write well. Pay attention to the essay structure.

Writing Feedback / Technology Vs Traditional skills and Way of life [4]

This does not give much information for us to understand your purpose of writing.

Writing Feedback / Compare the advantages and disadvantages of establishing a new university in your own [4]


This line does not make sense.... It sounds confusing too.... What do you mean?



.... Again this sounds confusing.... Try to avoid the words that you are not sure about their meaning and usage. Write simple, yet interesting sentences. For example;

I believe that advantages of having a university in my town will certainly outweigh its disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents job [3]

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. It's better that you mention the purpose of your writing so that you get more relevant comments. Also, you should post this type of essays under "Writing Feedback" forum.



.... connect these two lines. That helps improve presentation of your idea;
Although both groups have their own reasons, I believe that it wiser to have children doing different jobs than their parents.


.... even during your practice sessions, make sure you start sentences with capital letters. Otherwise you might make the same mistake at the exam too.


narrow condition? It sounds confusing :(
In many instances, the child's interests and talents are very different to those of his parents.

Undergraduate / "Describe a bump in the road....";UCF Undergraduate essay [2]


I was destined to watch the fall of a person who had so much potential for a great future.


....set up a link with the previous idea and the next one.
This incidence was instrumental in changing my personality and I began to care about my gradings.

Writing Feedback / Share the Dorm or Choose my own Roommate [5]

You seem to have a fair understanding about the essay structure. However, you need to include specific examples in the body paras for your reasoning. Also, work on your vocabulary a little bit. This is good writing :)



"volunteer" means free offer to do something or help somebody. So it is not the appropriate key word here. This is what I suggest;

To begin with, students who are given the opportunity to choose their roommates would definitely have a better chance to be with others who have similar backgrounds and better compatibility.


When students share similar interests, ideas, attitudes etc., it helps them build a stronger relationship between each other.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is it fair that sportmen earn far more money than doctors and teachers? [5]


First of all, they need to commit themselves and make many sacrifices, both physically and emotionally, in order to reach the level of excellence.


....Start this line with - "For example, " . Then it is clear to the reader that you are trying to justify your argument or the reason.


.... rather than saying " will not last long", say that they would remain only until they are fit to deliver the same level of performance;

Another reason for this view is that their high earnings will not remain when they are unable to maintain the same level of performance.
You write very well. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Break after high school has advantages and disadvantages [8]

Ohhh...Sorry....no those essays are still there and I have made an error when pasting the links. Hope this would work;

essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/food-preperation-easier-prepare-has-improved-peoples-lives-19423/
essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/uneducated-vs-educated-teaches-19068/

If you still can't access them, search for them (at top of this screen on your right hand side - "Essay search") typing "aaa" . Then when you get the next screen, delete "aaa" and click on "member name". There you type "upul" and search.

Then you get the search results of upul and there are four essays.

Writing Feedback / Traveling broadens one's perspectives [6]


Hey... you need to start sentences with capital letters and that's basics :P


This is your introduction and it consists of just one very very long sentence. Split this into a few lines to improve its clarity and presentation.

Also, it's better to include your essay topic/prompt in the post so that you get more relevant feed backs.

Letters / Guidance on writing a reference letter [6]

Search essays written on similar topics in the resumes, letters forum. Reading those essays and comments you get some idea. Then write your own (don't copy them one to one as you may get caught for plagiarism) and post it here. We can help you with our comments to further improve it.

Graduate / We successfully implemented the major project "Aid for blind people using image processing" [12]

This is all true, but I believe your SOP should talk more about you and not about the things these admin guys know already. This is the first and the best opportunity for you to express yourself. Talk more about how you became interested in this field - in other words, tell them how your passion for this area grew and what efforts you made for pursuing it. Make it sound more personal and everything you say, let them revolve around you.

Writing Feedback / "Don't confuse money with happiness! "Money and Happiness [4]


.... For me, I feel this needs some improvement in terms of clarity of your idea, especially the latter part. Is this what you mean?
It is true that a quality life, for which the money plays an important role, makes you happy and contented. But is it the only factor that makes us happy?

I feel you better define what happiness is.... it is a mental status which is contributed by various factors. Then show that money is only one factor and support your argument with real life examples.

Writing Feedback / Break after high school has advantages and disadvantages [8]

First, you should include your essay prompt in your post so that we can give you more relevant feed backs. In this case, I guess it is about whether gap is good or bad.


... this gap period offer time for these young guys to decide which field they need to choose and prepare themselves to be ready for college life. They are not adults but young adults or adolescents.

Undergraduate / "That Flag Day"-Wisconsin Madison PS/ Enrich community [4]


.... I guess it's Flag and not flat ! If so, capitalize it to give more emphasis as others may have very little knowledge about it.


I feel you better connect this with the previous line;
, said Mr Chia, our teacher. He kept talking to educate us with more information about Flag day.

Graduate / "The night my grandpa passed away"; Medical School personal statement [4]


I never thought this would affect my future so seriously.


This made his whole body paralyzed.


.... the word "lying" is getting repeated.
All I remember of him is the scene on every New Year day that he was lying in his bed with a feeble and emotionless look while my cousins and I kept talking to him knowing there would be no response.

Undergraduate / Minor in music from NYU/ Electrical and computer engineering ; Why NYU Poly?/Major? [5]

I think you need to pay attention to this point. Also, I think you need to make use of every word you say there. Skim what you say to the most, if not only, important points. For example;


This can be taken off as they already know you are with an engineering background because that information is available in other sections of your application. Focus more on the features that express why you want to study in NYU and why it comes on top of your preferred colleges.

Writing Feedback / When I was younger, I began keeping a journal/ Attitude towards writing [3]


... I feel this is fine.


... tell why wanted to have these thoughts together and how it helped you with writing. Better couple that idea with this sentence itself;
This experience helped me get my thoughts together and express them in a logical and interesting manner.


Through writing, I can express things that I wouldn't have confidence to communicate otherwise.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Is travelling around the world a good thing? [3]


Some people think it is a good way of spending time because it helps people explore new things.


.... you need to pay attention to spelling.... too many mistakes in one line :(
I think you also need to understand the expected essay format for this task.

Writing Feedback / "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again" - TOEFL essay [9]


I believe that people should not be discouraged by failures and should try and keep trying until they reach their goal.


.... you need to present this idea better;
First, so long as you stay alive, you have the opportunity to make impossible things possible.


... why you say this is a reason for not giving up? You need to elaborate a bit more.

Writing Feedback / I plan to retire when I am no longer in healthy ;Retirement / Answers 4 questions [5]


For me, I wish to continue my work life as long as my health permits and make my contributions to the society.


However, I feel that people would not be able to discharge their duties adequately and efficiently after the age of sixty five.


... getting out? ....not clear there.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Smoking kills and hence should be banned! [5]


Active smoking and passive smoking are the terms generally used for this condition. So you can use the term "passive smoking" here.
I think you need to pay attention to the essay structure.

Writing Feedback / "Marshrutka"; FEMALE LOGIC - funny story [2]


.... capitalize the word


So here's a story;
My friend Ira got on to a Marshrutka and wanted to pass her money to the driver.


....and then she became curious to know who that woman was.


So, Ira said to the lady in front, "Olya, pass my money to the driver please". You would never believe this! ; the woman in front asked, "Do we know each other? "

Yes... the story is funny indeed :D

Essays / Need help for answering for questions in MA admission Essay [5]

I think you are in the right track. Have more emphasis on the details how the course would help you achieve your short and long term goals, both personal and professional. Also, do some detailed research to come up with a good proposal of your study plan and make sure it aligns well with your study objectives and professional goals.

Writing Feedback / Event planning is a relatively new career field; Event planning as a career [3]


However, now there is training available not only for one to make an entry into this career field, but also to become a successful event planner.



... I think you need to improve clarity of this line. Is this the same career with different titles or different jobs in this career field? Better elaborate a bit more


Johnson and Wales University is one such colleges that offer a degree in event management.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - It's better to learn how to communicate with opposite sex before entering universities [4]


Ahamad is correct. It's not the best way to start an essay. Your response should not sound like a direct answer to the prompt. It should follow the style of an essay.

Graduate / A great journey began when I was 8 years old; Statement of Purpose [3]


In college I had the opportunity to explore more into the field of computers and also to sharpen my analytical skills.


.... Use letters, not numbers, in essays. Also I wish you have two lines for this idea;
A great moment began when I was eight years old. It was the moment when I first set my hands on a computer.

Writing Feedback / financial preparedness; wealthy nations sharing their wealth with poorer nations [3]


....the latter part does not click well with your idea :(


share with ....
Some people think that wealthy countries should share their wealth with poorer nations by assisting them to to feed their people and educate them.


Nowadays, there are many poor countries that face enormous difficulties in meeting the needs of their people.
It seems you have a good understanding about the essaz structure. However, you need to pay lots of attention to appropriate key words and grammar.