Writing Feedback / IMPACT OF VIOLENT MOVIES ON CHILDREN: introduction [4]

Your introduction Is pretty good. All you need there is to introduce your topic and state your opinion. That is well attended here. Pay attention to your spellings.

Post your full essay to get feed backs ;)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: HOW TO BE A QUALIFIED CO-WORKER? [3]

hi
I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so you need to be very mindful about time management because time has a major bearing on such writing task. In that case, your essay looks abit more lengthy. If you can handle time, then no issue. :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: PEOPLE WHO CANT ACCEPT CRITISISM ARE NOT GOOD TEAM PLAYERS [2]

I wish you started this essay with a more meaningful statement. Get more help from your prompt and Introduce your topic more effectively. Don't crowd your sentences with too many word. For example, "basically" and "personally" together sound too crowded. :(

Writing Feedback / Country has a lot of special things to offer and many of them are reflected in movies [4]

... and movie industry is a very large industry in the field of entertainment.
By watching movies, people can learn a lot about another countries suc as their culture, people, customs, history, languages etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Richer nations shoul assist poorer nation in their development efforts? [2]

Yes.... I can see you have excellent writing skills. You only need to pay attention to time management and essay structure. I prefer if you stated your opinion in theb introduction itself. That helps you to take your examiner in your desired direction. Also, in the body paras give reasons as to why you hold that opinion. (1 reason per para). Then support your reason with a specific example. Always keep a proper alignment with what your prompt asks. In this case, it is whether you agree or disagree.

If these things are met, you can easily go for your dream band ;)

Writing Feedback / Are rich people generally more happy than poor people? [5]

Hi :)
I think your topic is very interesing and you can write a great essay with it. First define what is happiness and the fators that contribute to it. In my view it is a mental state and people are differently receptive to these factors. You can use many real life examples in this essay to convince the reader on your argument. Of course there are many rich people who were extremely unhappy and even committed suicidewith depression.

Also there are people who lived with bare minimum, but they were happy and contended. Mahathma Gandhi and Mother Theresa are good examples.

Writing Feedback / To what extent do you agree with going abroad for university studies? [5]

You need improve clarity and presrntation of your introducion;
There are so many differences in education sysems of different countries. Some counties have more advance systems compared to others. Therefore, many people believe that stdying abroad is a better option when the home country does not provide such quality education. I strongly agree with this idea.

Writing Feedback / How violent movies impact on young children? [3]

I think your introduction is pretty good. All you need to do in intro is to intoduce your topic to the reader and then stste your opinion. Those features are already there in your intro.

However, you should post this type of messages in Writing Feedback forum. Also, give a meaningful topic in the subject field.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Selfsufficiency OR Import Food [3]

You need to pay attention to the essay to the essay structure for this task. I generally recommend the structure : Introduction (introduce the topic and state your opinion), 2 Body paras (REASONS FOR your opinion and examples to support them), Conclusion

Writing Feedback / IELTS ....Fast Food is becoming more popular? [8]

hi
you display excellent writing skills and I think you really need not to worry abouy this task. You can surely go for a flying score. :)

However, since this task has a msjor bearing on time management, I guess it is good to sick with 4 para essay with just 2 body paras. Also try to give more specific examples.

Good Luck

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nature of Holidays is changing, do you agree or disagree [4]


...yes ofcourse. :)


In the past, travelling abroad has been one of the most popular leisure activity of people. However, today, many travel agents believe that this trend is on a sharp decline.


Your follow the right essay structure and good writing skills.... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Governments money for artsists; 'Artists have been seen as talented people' [7]


.... I think you can be more firm :D .... They are indeed talented :D
Artists are gifted people with creative talents that help sooth others emotions and feelings.



As I shall debate


.... this needs improvement in its presentation.


.... you mean to say there are many artists in our society or otherwise? .... the phrase "it is deniable" does confuse what you try to convey.... Try and avoid crowding your sentences with too many phrases and words.... Present ideas in more simpler, yet interesting way.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Letter to Football Team-mate to inform why I leave the team [5]

Hi, First, please select "Writing Feedback" forum for all IELTS topics. Second, you need too have a meaningful topic in the subject field that describes your essay when you make a post. These are forum rules and please follow them in your next essays.


... here the part "next weekend" seems getting repeated.


.... your start with "As" leaves this sentences incomplete. You need to add something to this to make it complete or you should not have "As";

You are aware of my love for football and my dedication and commitment towards our team.

Writing Feedback / Computer Addiction (Causes/Effect/Solution ) [4]


... technology has literary influenced everybody's life and therefore you can keep this very general


.... You need to start your sentences with capital letters. It's important that you do it during your practice sesssions (I guess you prepare for IELTS or TOEFL) because you would loose marks for such simple errors. Also, it is a must when you post your essays to this forum because we need essays typed neat and tidy. That would certainly help you earn more useful comments for your essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Report an island before and after construction [5]


Overall, this island has experience significant changes with the introduction of new tourist facilities.


In summaries, you need to skim the essesence for writing. So you need to cut down addtitional phrases and words which do not directly cotribute to the idea. You can certainly do away with "To begin with".

Writing Feedback / Factors which influence a good movie ( your opinions ) [4]

First, you should post this type of essays under the "Writing Feedback" forum. Second, I beleive that you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL and also your topic is the prompt of this task. So, I am giving my comments based on my assumption;


... Here you have two seperate ideas and I always recommend to have two different sentences for different ideas. So I feel you better split this line into two.

Many people do not ciritize the movies after they enjoyed watching them. In fact, the quality of movies depend on how strong they can influence human feelings.


... yes of course :)
If the audience feels satisfied and contented .... your way is not wrong, but I think this sounds better because you give more emphasis on to audience.

This is a very good essay.... You display very good writing skills; grammar, vocabulary, ideas, structure :)
I think you don't you need not to worry about this task at all :)

Scholarship / Courage to Grow. The Essay wants to know why i deserve the scholarship. Max 250 words [5]

I feel some ideas are repeated .... this is what I suggest;
However, this helped me admire my mother's courage and determination. With all challenges at home front she bravely resumed her studies to realize her dream of becoming a nurse and she did it. She proved that you can live your dream no matter how hard the goal is; You may slow down, but you can always resume from the point where you stopped if you want to pursue your dream.

Undergraduate / Thoughts on Transfer Supplement Essay SUNY Old Westbury [2]


.... this second line is very close in its idea to the first. You better combine the two into one line.


... good


Although there are many opportunities for freshman to network with others, transfer students would have limitations in that respect.


.... I feel you better say something more logical than this. These are very general challenges for an undergraduate. But as a transfer student you may be having issues with a new curriculum as well which demands you to have lots of support from your colleagues. So that would be a big challenge for you to suddenly form friendships with new set of people who have joined the campus before you and already got into cliques.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - good changes can be brought in life without major difficulties. [6]


Your prompt suggests that people do not like to change and what problems this attitude can create for them. However, you seem to be in a different track;


In my view, this is not what your prompt suggests. What it suggests is that how people be affected negatively when they resist change. So, you need to align your writing accordingly. For example, you talk about moving to new places. You have to put this idea like this;

When people resist change, they may not be able to progress any further in life. For example, suppose a person needs to take up his new job in a city far away from home station. If he is not ready to take up this challenge, then it he would surely be deprived from his promotion and may have his career path stagnated.

Writing Feedback / "The words like Justice only exist in dictionaries"; Rich men have no fault [2]


... very interesting idea :D
We all live in this world with labels such as "Rich" and "Poor" pasted on us.


.... this is not very clearly expressed. Better rephrase.


The words like "Justice" only exist in dictionaries. The poor people should be cautious about doing wrong because the law applies to them strictly.


.... the "rich" and "poor" generally refer to a collection of people (plural_

Writing Feedback / Teacher should relate well with students than having an excellent knowledge. [5]


..."n"? ... well, still you cannot write essays in sms language :D
Also, I feel this is not a strong opening sentence. It sounds very vague and your idea does not flow very clearly.


... GatorFan28 is correct. Don't crowd your sentences with too many key words. Most important thing is clarity and flow. They both get affected if you try to lengthen your sentences wit too many big words. :)

Writing Feedback / Some say that the internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together [3]


....when you say "communication gap" it has a much broader meaning than talking about communication between people. Here you need to show how the Internet can bring people together.

Therefore some people believe that the Internet is capable of making the world smaller by bringing people together irrespective of geographical or time barriers.


First, the Internet has provided businesses with many opportunities to get connected with their customers, suppliers, buyers, staff etc.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: I think that there are still a lot of different types of movies [3]


... you need to improve this sentence;
The saying " I think there is too much violence in movies" implies that the film industry is heading towards making only violent movies.


Why don't you directly express your opinion? For example, " However, I disagree with this statement because xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" . That aligns your writing better with your topic.


.... and as this category name suggests, these movies consist of many violent actions such as car chase, explosions, plots etc.

Writing Feedback / Report on the likely effects of Global warming on the capital city of my country [3]


Global warming has adversely affected many countries across the globe.


People often look for finding refuge in air conditioning.


.... these sentences don't seem to be very meaningful. I think you should do away with them.

Writing Feedback / GRE: Mason City residents & Water sports - Argumentive Essay [3]


.... but according to the author, mason river flowing through the city is rarely used for these pursuits.


It justifies the small allocation of funds to the maintenance of maintaining riverside recreational facilities by the city park department.


Although t her residents of Mason city have been complaining about the low quality of river water and its smell for years, this does not prove that river has been extensively used to water sports.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: profits from natural resources make people ignore to preserve natural world [4]

... What is the issue? You haven't told it clearly to the reader. I think you need a better understanding about how the essay structure should be.

Research Papers / Euthanasia: Compassionate Death or Merciless Killing?" [2]


.... I wish if you said "several" instead of "many" because then the topics you are going to discuss would have more importance.

There are several controversial topics that are subject to heated debating in our country.


These states have enforced strict guidelines with regard to exercising PAS.


The word Euthansia stems from a Greek word meaning " a good death"

Writing Feedback / Cracking Down The Laws of Bullying by Pandora Campbell [5]


Bullying takes place everyday and the severity of its outcome also keeps rising.


..."don't say nothing at all " or "do say nothing at all"?
The society I belong believes in " if you don't have anything to say, do say nothing at all".

Graduate / Physician practice and diagnose diseases; Medical College App [2]



... Well... I think it's pretty much in order :D
I have just one concern... You have talked in length about your past research experience. It is only the last para that directly answers the prompt (in my view) .... just give some thought for this

Anyways... it's well written. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Shorris's studies show the reader that a change is possible in any community [2]



overcome the division?


.... interrogation means questioning, inquiring etc. and mostly used in criminology. Is it the word you wanted to use here or is it "inferences" ?


in favor of the poor - not "poors"


Shorris's studies show

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Task; More technology for problem solving results in less ability to think? [3]

First, you need to post this type essays under writing feedback forum category. Also, it's better to have your essay neat and tidy so that you get more comments from others. Don't type your essays in caps only , that is not appealing for others to read and provide you with good feed backs.


.... Your sentence looks too crowded unnecessarily. Also, what does it infer? You need to start with a catchy and a meaningful sentence because it is the first impression you are going to make about your writing skills to the reader.

Scholarship / Courage to Grow. The Essay wants to know why i deserve the scholarship. Max 250 words [5]


I too belong to that category of children who did not have the luxury of complete families.


I never had the pleasure of experiencing the love between my parent and feeling secured in an hour of need.


Instead, I grew up watching my mother's endless struggles to raise me and my brother (or sis)

Writing Feedback / People are now more interested in using seafood and some products from seafoods than ever before [3]



No one can deny that many ocean species have become endangered due to human over-fishing across the globe.


Due to aggressive growth of human population, the demand for food also had increased at a faster pace.


... This sentence sounds a bit confusing... I feel you better re-phrase to improve its presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic are they? [2]


... some parts that I highlighted sound a bit irrelevant - specially " worker's occupation" and "modern societies".... job satisfaction is the pleasure that one derives from the job he does and this does not have a time barrier. Whether it is the modern era or ancient time, job satisfaction is a mental state that had prevailed and still is still there. You need to introduce the topic to give its real sense. You can have lots of help from the prompt though you should not copy one to one. Tell what it means in your own words.

Writing Feedback / The Mass Media Control; Differents Risks and Points of View [4]


.... First part is fine, but wish you improve presentation of the second part. Your idea does not flow clearly :(


... don't have .... You really do not need them there if you have a connector like "whether" or that . Also you need to tell the reader what this control is. You haven't talked about it before. In any essay, the introduction paragraph should be dedicated to introduce your topic.

Scholarship / I lived a dream of studying abroad;Why you need funds?Why you want this scholarship? [4]

:)
Here's some more help ;)
Add this line to the previous para;
Yes, why I aim for a scholarship? It is because my family cannot support me for a higher education for very valid reasons.
Now go to the next para;


.... You need to tell them about your family's hardships... Like, only one person is employed or the parents are blue collars whose earning capacity is poor... elaborate on something like that! ... this is the start;

I am the eldest child with two much younger siblings.

Writing Feedback / Living in the countryside better in Vietnam [6]


Nowadays, the drastic climatic changes together with population explosion, the urban living has become very uncomfortable. Therefore, the countryside is among the best choices for living today.



... tell why it is best! rather, you need to talk about its best features.
First, countryside offers highly tranquil and clean environment for the people to live. In other words it provides a healthy living for people without polluted air or water which is very common in urban living.

Graduate / Dad got me to study CS; Personal statment for Msc in process systems engineeing [3]


.... Why do you have this line? What does it infer? Are you with a software engineering background and now wish to change your stream? These are the things that comes to the readers head and you've got to provide us with reasonable answers. If you don't have an answer, then take this line off as it gives a bit of a negative feeling.

Scholarship / I lived a dream of studying abroad;Why you need funds?Why you want this scholarship? [4]


When I was a kid, I dreamed of studying abroad. As I grew, my dream had a vision; I wanted to become a financial analyst with an international exposure.


Until to date, I lived my dream and as a result I studied really hard to maintain high scores that would enable me to be eligible for a scholarship for further studies.

Writing Feedback / Marriage older is more advantageous than marrying at young age! [3]


Pahan is right. You need to have minimum word count for these tasks and I don't think you meet it.