Undergraduate / I started my college career 20 years ago; Nursing application essay [5]


At that time I did not have a direction as to what I would do after college.


.... strong sentence. Very good!


All this time, I was struggling to find myself . ... is it the career that you mean? If so you can say;
All this time, I was struggling to find my real passion.
It's a very good response. You've done a good job! Also, wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / Many childhood experiences leave a lifelong impression [3]



.... take this to a new sentence;
For me, there is one such memorable experience that I still cherish with me as the best one I had in my childhood. It is the experience with learning how to ride a bike from my dad. ... is it a bike or a bicycle? To ride a bike you need to be pretty grown up, don't you?


... this is confusing - is it " for the better from worst" or " from better to the worst" ?


Until that day, I knew my dad as the coolest person on earth who was with great patience. However, with this new arrival, he changed himself to the worst coach I ever knew.

Writing Feedback / Share the Dorm or Choose my own Roommate [5]

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you need to pay lots of attention to clarity and presentation of your essay.


Others, however, wish to choose their room mate.


.... here are trying to go a little out of topic. Keep a good alignment with your topic throughout your essay.
Also, leave a blank line between your paragraphs. That gives a neat and tidy look for your essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL :Which do u prefer living in an apartment or living in a dorm? [4]


Both these options have their own advantages and disadvantages.
Good Introduction :)


.... this is a good point. However, you better shorten sentences to improve clarity. Then it would read much interesting.

Writing Feedback / Important truths begin as outrageous, or at least uncomfortable, attacks..... [2]


.... I see two issues here; First, you seem to revolve around the same idea a little more. I wish you said this in maximum two sentences. Second thing is that the word " belief" gets repeated in short intervals.


Important discoveries have often received negative responses from society.


... and the people did not wish to go against the Church's opinion.


Further, in ancient times, the people believed that diseases were a result of evil spirits.

Undergraduate / "Motivation to be the best - how I became president of HOSA" - UF essay [6]


.... well, I like this start :)


.... this one sounds incomplete :( did know what?


.... this one too is not so descriptive for the reader to get your real idea.... better tell why call it a perfect match?


.... That part is confusing... you need to re-organize this sentence to improve its clarity.


... I think matthewcq2 has a point. Don't keep on introducing complex structures. Have one in between, but don't over do.

Undergraduate / I was disappointed to find out my application to CS was unsuccessl; APPEAL /NUS [3]


When I learned that my application for Computer Science (CS) was rejected, I was very disappointed because it is the discipline I passionately looked forward to pursuing and had already acquired a fair amount of knowledge.


... I think you need to re-do this part.... You ideas should flow more logically. Also tell them about your achievements in the field more specifically.

Writing Feedback / How does rapid economic development affect a country? [5]


.... I think this is a good strategy. As you say, this task has a major bearing on time. So, you better have this one line conclusion first and if you have spare time come back and add another line to that.


....thereby generating several social issues. (social issue, social problem )


The best solution to this would be the government's active involvement in view of passing the benefits of to the rural areas that would significantly reduce negative effects of rapid economic development.

Writing Feedback / University education is necessary for success in today's world. Agree or disagree? [6]


I guess you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS If so, don't answer the prompt directly because they expect you to present your answer in an essay style.

Writing Feedback / The advantages and disadvantages of study in other country [3]



.... In the introduction, you do not have to give reasons or examples. What you need to do is that briefly introduce your topic (get help from the prompt) and then state your option.

Letters / Referee Letter for graduate study in Mechanical Engineering [2]


I am writing this letter in view of recommending Mr Rosdi Izam Ibrahim for.... (tell for what you recommend him/her)


I have known Rosdi for over (number of years) in the capacity of his professor (tell how you knew him) and based on his skills, academic background, attitude and commitment , I have no hesitation in recommending him.

Writing Feedback / "Made in China"; Fake products produced in China [3]


... I find it's difficult to link the first part with the latter. This is what I suggest;
"Made in China" , these are the words that you would find in the little labels pasted on majority of products today.


It would hurt the sales, and sometimes the reputation, of the original company that has the patent rights for its products.
Very good writing and very informative too... Enjoyed reading your essay and wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; How to reduce traffic in cities? Should it be by reducing the need for travel? [4]


This is much better than what you've written first. I'm sure Pahan too would agree. However, even this sentence sounds a bit too crowded. You use too many key words unnecessarily to tell a simple idea. What is more important is clarity and flow... if they go hand in hand, your writing would be admired by the reader;

Many people believe that traffic problems are directly linked to the high volumes of commuters who travel to work, schools and shopping as a part of their daily routine.


... good expresssion.... However, "redeem the circumstance" is a wrong usage. You can redeem cash, points etc. and it means that you compensate with something for the past poor performance.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; In our society child's education have never been a simple task [9]


.... this has a fundamental error.... children is plural and "a valuable member" (note - it is "valuable" member and not "value member") refers to singular form.

children should be taught to be respectable members in their society by their parents . .... Also, I like if you use direct speech which is more powerful in conveying this idea;

Parents should teach their children to be respectable members in society.
Also, it is good if you stated your opinion in the introduction itself so that you can take your examiner easily in your desired direction.



each individual / all individuals

Writing Feedback / Why do crime rates increase? How to arrest this issue? [3]

First, you should have a meaningful topic in the "subject" field when you make a post to this forum. It is a forum rule and also helps you earn more relevant and useful feed backs. Also, it is always better to post your prompt together with the essay, so that others would know the purpose of your writing. In this essay, we have very less information as to what its purpose or topic. Please follow those instruction in your next post.


...looks grammatically alright, but sounds poor in its presentation. Start with a more catchy sentence because it's the first impression you make on the reader about your writing.


... again this sounds confusing.... do you mean "unemployment" is the root cause for this issue? However, there are many crimes that have been committed by professionals and employed people... I think it's much more complicated when it comes to reasons for committing crimes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS :Creativity needs freedom and so do the creative artists; Do you agree? [2]


... In this sentence, I don't find any relevance to your topic. That's a bit dangerous because everything you say in an essay, need to be aligned with your topic.


.... your prompt is not about their demands and not all creative artists demand freedom. This argument is about whether they need freedom to express ideas or not. You need to address that point in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Increasing price of petrol would not help controlling traffic [2]


.... maintain one tense


... this is a confusing sentence. Your idea does not flow well here... I think you should re-phrase this line again


... this line too is very confusing. You have used the words "incline" & "decline" inappropriately.
Try and write simple sentences.... What is more important is clarity than heavy use of vocabulary. If you are not sure of the real meaning and usage of key words, avoid using them.


traffic depends/ traffic may depend


... what do they ensure? or is it some other word you wanted to use?

Undergraduate / TRUST & CONFIDENCE - Success as a Peace Corps Volunteer [3]


You however, are free to explore it on your own.


.... sentence is a bit too long. When you write lengthy sentences, the reader needs to make extra effort to remember what you said at the biggining. So

the reader would not be pleased to read lengthy sentences.

Undergraduate / May is the fifth month of the year; Why number five is important? [6]


.... Added some punctuation.
As I saw the word "five", what it struck me was the five fingers. You haven't had any reference to that :)
It's a very impressive response.... You can write well and I enjoyed reading it.
Good luck with your application!

Research Papers / Education in Rural Cambodia;Paper for Development Cooperation [6]




The civil war not only destroyed its infrastructure alone, but also ruined the productivity and moral of its people.


Many international NGOs and private sector companies have come in aid with financial assistance to Cambodia to rebuild its nation.

Writing Feedback / 'less stress'; Games are as important for adults as they are for children. [2]

I guess you prepare for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, I wish to give you a tip... :)
Leave a blank line in between paragraphs. That gives a neat and tidy look to your essay and for sure, you examiner would be pleased. And with a pleased examiner you can score marks. :D


Games are one of the most important things in everybody's childhood.


... this line is too long and therefore it affects your flow negatively. If you had shorter sentences, these ideas would have flown beautifully.

Writing Feedback / What Should People Do To Become Healthier? [3]


.... Open your essay with a catchy sentence. It's the first impression you are forming to the reader about your writing and therefore it's worth giving more attention to this first line :)

"Health is wealth", says an old proverb to acknowledge that it is the most precious possession of a man.


.... why do you say "others are not" ?

Writing Feedback / Criticism of Modern Primary Education System [6]


... I wish you improve presentation of this line, may be with slightly different vocabulary;
Enormous number of children turn up for fives days a week to take part in a system that they hardly acknowledge the existence of it.


... this is very impressive.... I like the way you present this :)

Research Papers / Education in Rural Cambodia;Paper for Development Cooperation [6]


.... should be either;
Education is the most powerful weapon which can be used to change the world
Or
Education is the most powerful weapon which we can use to change the world



... punctuation - no ;
Also, I feel you tend to repeat the same idea over and over again. It's good if you move to the next idea soon.

Undergraduate / My interest for Chinese culture is developed since young; Appeal letter for NUS FASS [3]


First, I wish to stress that I fully understand and respect your decision of rejecting my admission application. However, I write this appeal in hope that you would reconsider my application.

Here are some websites that may help you with writing your appeal:
collegeapps.about.com/od/theartofgettingaccepted/a/sample-appeal-letter.htm
schooladmissionappeals.co.uk/?p=199

Writing Feedback / In my opinion, daily homework is necessary; Reasons & Examples [6]

First, kindly post this type of essays under "writing feedback" forum.
I guess you are preparing for either IELTS or TOEFL. Both these exams have a major bearing on time and I think your essay is pretty too long for those tasks. It's good if you can manage time for an essay of this length, but I feel it is a bit too long. Generally, a four para essay with Introduction, 2 Body paras and Conclusion would do for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Changing jobs and living places - Good or Bad? [5]

Well.... your prompt does not ask for reasons for changing jobs...it asks you whether it's a positive or negative trend. So your essay should answer what the prompt requests. In your introduction you mention that;


So, I think it's better you dedicate both paras to justify your opinion. In other words, you give one reason in each para to show this trend has negative impact on society (you say it has more demerits than merits) .... That way you can align your writing with the prompt better.

Writing Feedback / "Pain is not a pleasant feeling" ; Analyzing the concept "PAIN" [6]


... no.... this is very common and everybody gets sticky with what they write and also gets carried away too... It's always better to get a third party read it so that he would look at with a fresh mind. :D


What about a family that suffers in silence?


... I think you can have an interesting example for this point. It is always a good habit to support reasons with examples... That way is more convincing for a reader :)

Writing Feedback / IETLTS; High School programs should include Community Service as a compulsory part [2]


I would argue that it should be made compulsory due to several reasons.


First, community service would be a good opportunity for high school students to interact with the community and thereby understand and value the work they do. This exposure would help a student to grow as a person.



... this is wrong - "In conclusion" / " To conclude"

Writing Feedback / The most important traits required to achieve mastery. [2]


... Good start :)


I believe certain characteristics of ourselves are required for for us to make our dreams come true.


... you talk about an ability,but not a trait... trait is something like honesty, commitment, strong will, being responsible etc. I think you better give some thought about this matter.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Changing jobs and living places - Good or Bad? [5]


Change the order;
As far as I am concerned, I believe that this trend has more demerits than merits.


... This line does not convey a clear idea.... You better re-phrase it

... I don't see these two reasons really matter for what prompt suggests you. Why do people change jobs? or why do they change the place they live? I think this is mainly because of their career progress, career demands, education of children, facilities, etc.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : which on do you prefer? serious movies or amusing movies [6]


Watching movies has become very popular among people now because, thanks to modern technology, they have easy and convenient access to movies.


...this is not written well. Why do people have such agreements? I think this whole idea does not work for this essay. This is what I sugest;

However, the preferences for the types of movies differ among people. Some people love to watch amusing movies that are more focused on entertaining people. Some prefer to watch serious movies that are rich in aesthetic value.

What is more important in the introduction is to introduce your topic in its real sense and state your opinion.

Essays / British Lit theme essay on Beowulf [6]

You need to post your draft analysis to this forum for us to help you with improving it. We do not undertake writing essays for others, but certainly help others to improve their writing by providing comments, suggestions and even by editing their essays. So, you've got to write the essay and post it here .

Graduate / "Be nobody, but yourself"; Masters in Computer Science, Personal Statement. [2]


These words of E E Cummings inspired my life and acted as a strong driving force ever since I read them.


The plan seemed very simple; Go to university, get good grades, find a promising job in an oil company, work for about thirty years and finally retire with good savings to travel around the world. ... great plan, anyway :D

Undergraduate / Transfer to NYU Gallatin-Why NYU?/Academic interests/What intrigues [2]

you mostly talk about the location and its environment.... I wish if you talked a little more about the features of the university that would help you reach your future goals.

I enjoyed reading your responses. You have a very unique way of expressing your ideas. Good job !
Wish you good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; My opinion on using fertilizer and machinery for producing food [4]


.... Good idea....however, technology is related with machine and fertilizer. So they should be better connected;
With advancement of science and technology, variety of fertilizer and machinery are being heavily used in modern food production in order to lower the production cost.


... I think it should be "health of people" and "negative effects on environment"

Writing Feedback / "Pain is not a pleasant feeling" ; Analyzing the concept "PAIN" [6]

I agree with Didgeridoo... pain is a very complicated feeling which can cause even more complicated results such as anger, depression, hopelessness, helplessness etc. Also, people have very different ways of responding to pain.... mostly it's the kids who turn their moms for relief, some turn to god for help, some even kill themselves thinking that it's the only solution left for them. So, I too suggest you to have broader view on this aspect and re-phrase that part.

Writing Feedback / 'private issues, lose feeling and painful exercises' - being a celebrity brings lot of problems [3]


... pay attention to grammar;
teenager likes/ teenagers like
Many people, especially the teenagers, love to know about famous movie or sports stars.


And some teenagers even crave to become celebrities in the future.


You need to improve your grammar if you look for a good band at this exam!

Writing Feedback / With the assistance of technology, students will learn faster and assimilate more knowledge. [3]


In today's society where the information technology is at its peak, the students can access information much more conveniently, efficiently and speedily in contrast to the previous generation.


.... "with" gets repeated too soon.
First, the Internet facilitates speedy access to very useful information to the students in a very convenient manner.

Scholarship / I want to serve all Colombians outside the country; Future prof goals/Scolarship [6]


I had my professional internship at the Consular General office of Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Colombia in San Francisco, California. .... you better stop the sentence at this point and begin the next one.


This exposure nurtured my passion for consular and diplomatic matters. This was the advent of my strong desire for working for the Colombian government to help improve its international relationships with the rest of the world.