Writing Feedback / Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communites.TOEFL ESSAY [7]



.... cruel roles?... cruel means causing pain or suffering.... is that what you want to mean? I guess this word is inappropriately used in this sentence, isn't it so?


.... This guy is Mark Zukerberg.


... Personally, I don't agree with this idea. Evolution of technology took it's walk from previous generations. How about Eisenstein, Galileo, Newton and other great scientists? Didn't these people revolutionized the world with their scientific and technologically advanced inventions?

Graduate / I was an ardent follower of Formula One; statement of purpose(German Universities) [5]


.... impressive start. I like it :)


It was then that I aspired to enter into this intriguing branch of engineering and make my mark on the automotive universe.
This is very well written.... You have mastered English language and it's excellent writing :)
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / I wish to return to Uzbekistan and work for General Motors; APU Application [4]


... These things do not talk about you.... When you have word count limitations, I think you should not waste even a single word that goes in vain. So, talk more about you in this response because they need to know you as a person.

It seems you have many achievements. However, don't let it sound like a list of achievements. You need to present it a bit more creatively.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Should we be completely honest with the friends? [6]


... with who?
Nowadays people pay more attention to network with others than earlier.



pulp is right. Your essay looks so messy and kindly start your sentences with capital letters when you post essays to this forum. Otherwise it is very difficult for others to proof read and you will not earn good comments on them.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - NEIGHBORS DEPEND ON EACH OTHER LESS TODAY [3]


Okkkkk.... then a last minute advice, rather a tip :D
Leave one blank line between paragraphs. That gives your essay a neat and tidy look that your examiner would be impressed with. :)
Well.... It seems you have good writing skills, especially your vocabulary and grammar. However, essays of this TOEFL task need to follow a particular structure that helps you earn marks.

Writing Feedback / Narrate how did you overcome the challenges to achieve your goal(s) in life [6]


... Well.... I cannot find a connection of these lines. They don't give any clue about what you are going to write about :(



When I was young, I struggled a lot to with my vocabulary and constructing grammatically correct sentences


Though I knew lots of words, I lacked the knowledge on how to use them appropriately.

Undergraduate / I was always an extremely determined kid; Columbia Wait List Essay [3]


For me, this sounds a bit confusing in conveying your idea. As I read it I felt that your parents gave priority to your brothers over you... Then only I got what you meant. I think you better rephrase this to convey your idea clearly.


.... this is good :)


... again this doesn't flow clearly.
Why they want nothing more than from me but living up to my full potential.

Scholarship / ASEAN YOUTH EXCHANGE PROGRAM-Why are you interested in participating? [7]


...
Last but not the least, I love to experience the beautiful Myanmar, a country with a rich cultural heritage and outstanding scenic beauty.


.... I think you should not over do.... that word gives a bit exaggerated feeling.


Now I am ready to take my single step to reach closer to international arena with a sound understanding of multiculturalism. So I am very thankful to you if you could help me start this journey of mine by giving me an opportunity for enrolling in this program.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Living with families for a longer time [6]

Hi,
First, I want to request you to include your prompt in your post. Then we can understand what it asks for and it would help you earn more relevant comments. Here I cannot figure out what your prompt is :( I guess it is about living with parents for a longer time.... is it?


No one can deny that parents play the most important role in our lives by guiding us, extending their support both financially and morally.

Graduate / Pursuing a Passion for Petroleum - Statement of Purpose [5]


... impressive start :)


This was a significant study because in next few years, the main feed-stock supply capability of the plant is expected to be diminished.
I find this is a well written SOP. You have covered all important aspects. I wish if you elaborated a little more on your future goals.

Good Job and good luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: the population is a mix of people from different cultures and ethic [5]


Well... I'd strongly advise you to avoid writing lengthy sentences. Tell your ideas in short sentences having one line dedicated to one idea. That'll help you have a smooth flow without getting distracted by lengthy lines. You also need to practice and improve your essay structure... I think I saw another essay that you have written and it was pretty good. Yes, you would surely go for a good band. Do practice more and also read good essays for you to pick up points and sentence structures.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING :Countries are becoming similar, what are causes, and effects ? [6]


...Your topic does not indicate anything about people's interests in travelling around the world. I'd advise you to stick to your topic and introduce it to the reader in its real sense. It's important to keep a proper alignment with your topic.



.... this sentence has some grammar issues and also your idea is not presented clearly :(
First, globalization , that took place after the second world war as a result of increased international trade and people migrations, is the main reason for this trend.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; A person's job's has more effects on his happiness [5]


... good beginning :)


... relaxation and joy = two things and hence plural


I think different people have different perceptions about what make them happy.
Very impressive introduction! :)


This is a very good example. However, you better first state your reason and then back it up with this example. The reason here is that for some people are very passionate about their work and they value the pleasure that is derived from work above everything else.

Also, be careful of lengthening your paragraphs, because you've really got to fight with time at the exam :)
You write well!

Essays / Calculus problem; Need help in expressing it! [2]


.... why you specify today? It's a bit confusing.
The function is valid for t ranging 10 ≤ t ≤ 20 where t represents the hours that park is opened.


Which hour of the day that records the highest rate of people entering the amusement park?


... Is this a part of the sum? It's not very clear.

Undergraduate / Right place to get high quality education; Reasons for attending APU [3]


The way we handle the present determines how successful we will be with our future achievements.


My teacher, being my best inspiration, advised me to study in Ritsumeikan Asia Pacific University in Japan as she believes it is the right place where I can achieve my academic goals.


.... I feel this is not necessary... It does not seem adding much value to your response.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: the population is a mix of people from different cultures and ethic [5]


... America is the country. Anything to do with America such as its people, colleges, economy etc. is American :)


.... actually, you topic is focused on cultural diversity and it does not talk about different professions. "All walks of life" generally refers to people of different professions, which is not so important for this essay.


....good point :)


...present this idea as an example;
For example, there are many Asian students who apply for scholarships in developed western countries in order to pursue their academic aspirations.

Writing Feedback / My first story: Waking up in the Darkness [3]


.... you should maintain one tense. This is my suggestion;
The sky was grey and gloom adding to the feeling of sadness and isolation. The place was deserted; on building and not a soul. It seemed that no one has ever stepped in there.


... I don't get the meaning (highlighted part) What to you mean?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Whether without satisfying career, the life is meaningless? [4]


.... I think it's better to avoid saying "recently"
There is a popular saying that promising career is the core of a happy life.


I think that life means far more than a satisfying job.
Good introduction!


.... generally, you classify when there are more than one group, so this part sounds a bit confusing. I wish you simply said ;
Different people perceive life differently.


She would rather opt to give up her job if it is going to be a problem for her to take care of her baby.

You follow a good structure :)

Writing Feedback / Competition sports,both team and individual have no place in student's curriculum? [5]

It's always good to include your prompt in your post so that others can give you more relevant comments.
What is the purpose of this writing? IELTS or TOEFL? .... If so, you need to pay attention to the essay structure more. You need to have these features;

Introduction - Introduce your topic and state your opinion
Body para 1 - First reason for your opinion + support this reason with a specific example
Body para 2 - Second reason + example
Conclusion - Sum up everything above

Writing Feedback / SAT: Are there situations where it is more ethical not to follow established rules? [4]


...."people" sound better.
People follow ethics in order to live peacefully in society as ethics are powerful in disciplining people.
I think you need to improve your introduction because it should have better clarity.
Isn't this essay too short for this essay task?

Writing Feedback / Power of advertising determines high sales of products [3]


Why you particularly choose television? Your topic sounds more general and it is open to any form of advertising, be it TV ads, ads on papers, hand bills, hoardings, e-flyers etc. So, it's good to keep it more general.

First, introduce your topic to the reader;
Advertising plays a vital role in marketing a product. Some argue that advertisements are so powerful that they can promote people to buy things, which they don't have a real need to buy.

Writing Feedback / Young people face more problems than adults. Do you agree? [IGCSE] [3]


...It's better you first introduce the argument and then state your opinion.


.... well your topic is that whether young people face more problems than adults and you agree to it. But, then you talk how adults are stressed with their responsibilities and duties in contrast to the young. That sounds contradictory.

Graduate / Why I should have the privilege and honor to be a law student [4]

Hi... hope I'm not too late !


.... I wish you didn't compare yourself with others because it sounds a bit boasting sort of.... It might get them to form a wrong opinon about you. Instead you talk about your achievements.

I always excelled in studies and this earned my position on the honor roll lists all throughout high school and college


My work ethic is like a raging bull that drives me towards achieving my goal.


I think this is a bit over-stated. Tell them an incident or experience that will convince them you are such a talented person who has receive distinguished awards. It's always to back up with real life events and experiences rather than making statement.

Undergraduate / English Teacher/ Interest in Business; Common App-business school (GGSB) [5]


.... Pls type capital letters where it is necessary.... Otherwise it's very difficult to proof read :(


.... This is very confusing... seems you have put too many ideas together into this sentence. You need to re-phrase this line.
While I am keen on getting accepted by your business school for my undergraduate studies, I wish to follow this program in English language. Further, I intend to study different facets of business, especially in connection with Chinese trade. .... I am not sure this what you meant by above writing.... :(

Scholarship / College experience made me open-minded & out of the box thinker; Scholarship App [6]


.... ....This is what I suggest;
From my high school days, I have been facing many challenges and obstacles that demanded intelligent decisions and a strong determination to overcome those hardships.


.... I feel it is better if you tell them one such incident and discuss it to show how you overcame it. That would open a window for them to see your real personality.


.... a good point. Wish you gave a little bit more emphasis on it.

Writing Feedback / "Honesty is the best policy"; Is it good to tell the truth always? [3]

What's the purpose for this writing? Is it for IELTS or TOEFL? If so, you need to work on your structure.



.... drunkard who was thrown out his job
Having lost all strength he is unable to chopcut the wood pieces.... "cut wood" sounds better :)

Writing Feedback / Clothes make the man? -CLEP essay [2]


When you dress nice together with your good looks, you would certainly be treated better with more respect and acceptance.


.... This line needs improvement;
You tend to form opinions about people by looking at the way they are dressed.

Writing Feedback / Write about the benefits of having good friends (Qualifying English Test) [3]


Forming strong friendships is one of the most important aspects in student life.

Friends are like the substitute of our family , especially when we are distant to our family.

Friends form the closest relationships, almost like the second family, when one is away from his own family.



.... I think you better re-phrase this line....It does not flow well..."payment" does not sound proper :(

Scholarship / College experience made me open-minded & out of the box thinker; Scholarship App [6]


....you said something very close to this in your previous sentence. Therefore change this a little bit to avoid it sounds like repetitive;
For me, the college experience is much beyond preparing me for my future career. It is the experience that lays the foundation for me to succeed after I leave college.

Writing Feedback / Are you Smarter than My Brother? [2]


.... like stones? ... I find it's not clicking well with your idea :(
For me, this was a major milestone in my life; Caring, loving and keeping an eye on this new born all weighed me down and made me feel too tired to cope with.


.... I like if you don't repeat the same events like hair and toy cases;
Then, all of a sudden, everything negative about him began to seize.


Why this change? Better tell something about that to the reader!

Research Papers / Facial hair participation; Attempting the nearly impossible [5]


Facial hair participation has seen an increase in recent years and there is much speculation as to why it is so.


Not only we can see a significant rise in beard growth, but also this trend extends to the environments where they were discouraged earlier.

The focus of my research is based on why growing beard has become popular and how it changes the perception about men in society.

Undergraduate / Serving in the Peace Corps is a challenge I recently became acquainted with! [2]


... take that part into a new sentence.
A few days later I picked up and read the stories of the returned volunteers and came to realize that many of my experiences from volunteer work and healthcare had similar if not with identical roots.

I think this is well written. You have very strong sentences;


... very impressive :)
Wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / FAMILY Vs WORK; What is more important? [3]


.... impressive beginning :)


Actually, we all strive to work and thrive. This is because we need money to survive and then lead a quality life.


Therefore, I believe that work is secondary and your family matters more to you. After all, it is the family that has reserved a permanant place in your heart and not the work.

Scholarship / My dream is to work with and take care of people; Nursing career/ Scholarship. [4]


.... Towards the end and From the beginning :)
From the beginning of my high school career, I was convinced that I need a career that deals with taking care of people.


As I discharged patients, I witnessed how grateful they were towards their nurses who provided them with outstanding care.


Their words and smiles spoke of how a nurse can light up the darkest phases in others' lives and this made my passion for nursing even stronger.

Undergraduate / I'm a very determined person ; appeal admission personal statement [2]


I am making this appeal to in hope that you would reconsider your decision and give me the opportunity to attend your prestigious university.


.... take this to a new paragraph.... You have everything written in one bunch and no separate paragraphs. You need to carefully divide the paras , otherwise it looks too crowded and untidy. Those guys won't read it if it is not nicely presented :)

Also, I would advise you not to start with your mistakes. Tell them the reason first and then tell how it affected your academic performance or wrong decision. You need to have lots of feelings and emotions here to grab their attention and also to influence them reversing their decision.

Writing Feedback / IELTS wirting: Children should begin formal education at four years old [2]



..."from" gives a different meaning and not appropriate to use for this idea. It means that children should be allowed to stay at home when they are 4 to 5 years old.


.... You need to improve its presentation... Don't say that you list your points.... This is an essay and not a list of things or even a report.... It needs a good and smooth flow that makes the reader more curious to follow your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Boarding schools are getting more popular in some countries. Good or bad? [3]


.... You are very welcome :)


Well.... it seems you are taking the essay a little bit away from your topic.... For this task, for you need to introduce your topic to the reader. What is your topic?


... This does not talk about the past and also it is even more popular now due to the very reason you point out. Actually, improved transportation has enabled students to go out of their state or country and study and due to the distance, they need a boarding.

So, you should introduce it without diverting its direction;
With heavy influence of globalization, students today have more options for choosing a college for their studies. In many cases, students opt to study in colleges outside their home state or country. For this reason, most of the schools nowadays provide boarding facilities for the students who come from far away places. However, some people believe this as a negative trend while others view it as positive. In my opinion, I think this trend has more disadvantages than advantages.

Writing Feedback / Will modern technology, such as the internet ever replace the book as the main source [3]


... don't use numbers in essays.... have only words for the numbers unless you need to talk about an "year" (e.g. 2013)
In order to be updated with what is happening around you, you need to have access to information. Today, the main sources that provide information are books and the Internet. However, the Internet usage is growing a much faster pace and some people believe that it would soon replace books completely.


... this sentence is not properly worded.
For ages, books have been admired as the best source for knowledge transmission.

Writing Feedback / SAT; Should people act as individuals or copy others' ideas? [4]


I know.... that's why I wanted to draw your attention on it. Sometimes you get carried away with your writing and it may be presented differently to the reader.


You write well. I mean your English writing skills are really good... However, I get the feeling that you do not adequately align your writing with the topic theme at the beginning of your essay and it sounds as if you have narrowed it down to specific professions and career. But in the latter parts it's getting aligned better. I actually do not have any idea how they rate you for SAT tasks. All I could say is that you have good writing skills and have a good potential to go for a good score :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: class attendance and vacation length [2]

Hi Malmhed,
It's always good that you have one essay in each post. Then you have better chances for having more feedbacks.


.... Let's try the same with direct speech;
Many high school students put lots of efforts and study hard in hope of getting accepted by good universities. ....I generally favor direct speech to passive voice because it can convey an idea in a more simple, convincing manner. However, you need to use passive voice where it is more appropriate. Specially in report writing, passive voice helps a lot.


.... I think this needs a little more clarity because there are optional subjects too ;
However, while they begin their university career, they tend to argue about making attendance a compulsory criterion for their final grades.