Writing Feedback / SAT; Should people act as individuals or copy others' ideas? [4]



.... well, for me this idea sounds a bit stereo typed. This tends to divide people that brainy fellows are not good athletes and good athletes are lower in their intellectual capacity. That sounds a too much generalization. In fact there can be people who have both skills too... This is what I suggest;

People need to identify their real capabilities and pursue a field which is appropriate for them. For example, a person with brilliant mathematical skills but a poor physique, cannot naturally pursue a sports career. However, he would be very successful as an engineer and make his share of contribution to society in that field. Therefore if everyone just follow others without a reason, then the world would turn topsy-turvy.

Undergraduate / Contaminated Water: You experienced failure. How did it affect you? [3]


... Yep... dumi's here :D ...LOL



... this needs improvement with the flow;
I was successful in familiarizing myself with water supply system with my repeated calls to the Public Utilities Board (PUB). I remember how irritated the two telephone operators with me at the end of this process, but I did not give up.


Which one I can take to my country to clean water there?

Undergraduate / A strong mind normally, but something happens to you and made you touched. [3]


.... yes, I too guess so...pay attention to that!


With each step, I tilted my head left and right in hope of Alastair would appear beside me and join me walking to the school.


.... yes... I began to wonder whether you talk about the same person (Alastair and Ron) or two different people as I went on reading this. It's not clear and you should introduce who Alastair is.


Last week, I refused to lend him my homework, which Mr Chua wanted us to do, for him to copy.


As I was engrossed in this thought, I accidentally stepped on the pool of water in front of and "Whoosh", I slipped.

Undergraduate / It was yelling, It was directing, And it was creating; What's important to you why? [3]

Help for slimming down your word count ;)


By the end of my junior year, our family balance sheet began to suffer seriously.


So, we had to make immediate adjustments to cut down our expenditures.


I was helpless


Though I wanted to find a job, being an immigrant that was not possible.
Try to avoid too much detailed sentences. Skim the essence and put it in your response.
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Bursting the Bubble ; University of Arizona Personal Statement [3]


Beautiful and also very powerful start.... very impressive :)


....Up to this point your response is really strong


... Here, nothing much is said and it seems you are rotating around the same idea....
Try and add some more life to this. Back up your ideas with some real life events or examples
I love the beginning, but I also feel a drop in the latter part :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ibT: What do you want most in a friend? Intelligent, humor, reliable? [3]



.... Well ... this line is actually not necessary.... it does not have much relevance to your topic.


... this needs to come in your introduction. In your body paras you need to discuss the reasons as to why you believe so. Also you need to support your reasons with specific examples.

You can write well... Pay attention to the structure and you can aim at a very good score! :)

Essays / How should Toyota promote and advertise their product? [3]


.... I feel you need to change the last few words that I highlighted... It does not read well;
Every month, week and day, the marketing researcher strives hard to create a new advertising strategy in this extremely dynamic world as a result of heavy globalization effects.


...complete and compete are two different words with two different meanings. Complete means you are finishing a process while compete deals with competition. This is my suggestion;

Some companies are ahead of others in their marketing strategies and they always gain the competitive edge.


... Before coming to this point, you need a sentence to link your previous idea with Totyoto;
Toyota Motor Corporation, a giant multinational automobile manufacturer in the world, is a classic example for such companies with very successful marketing strategies.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - crimes committed by young people in major cities R&G [4]


I wish you introduced your topic in a bit more detailed and simple manner. Introduction plays an important role in your essay because it is the one that forms first impression about your writing. This is what I suggest;

The crimes that are committed by young people in major cities of the world are on the rise at an alarming rate. Although there are many reasons that promote such dangerous behavior in young people, I believe that the influence of mass media and disturbed family backgrounds are mainly responsible for this trend.

Undergraduate / "We die every day"; Motivational letter for the RSM? [7]

Then it's fine.... Don't do any changes :)

Undergraduate / "We die every day"; Motivational letter for the RSM? [7]


Ok.... I am totally new to that concept and I think I got it all wrong ... Sorry about that :D
Yes, I think it's better you add a little description (a very brief thing with one or two words) to give some sense about the type of school... There may be guys who would find it awkward simply because they have no knowledge about such schools. That's my suggestion for you.

Scholarship / Aerospace engineering is the field that most piques my interest; Sandisk Scholarship [3]


This is how I suggest to start with;
[i]I always got fascinated with the idea that how the parts that make the 40 tons of metal soar through the sky smoothly, at a high elevation and while increasing speed. Yes, Aerospace Engineering is the field that mesmerized my interest.[/i]

I feel you drag a little more on emphasizing your passion for aerospace engineering.... Better pay a little attention to that.... Overall, good writing !
Good luck!

Research Papers / Psychological Jealousy: How it forms [5]


studies state/ study states


.... expressing someone? .... I think this line has not come properly to convey your idea clearly :(


"you're" (shorten form of "you are") and not "your" though they have close pronunciations.
Example - You're very selfish and that made me to distance from you / Your selfishness has distanced me from you.


Jealousy mostly occurs when you do not possess something or someone that another person does.
I wish you if you had your sentences sound more simpler that everybody can understand easily. Also try to back up these ideas with more examples as you did with child and chocolate because it's the easiest way for the reader to conceive your idea.

Also, I personally believe jealousy is linked with many other things such as ego, folly, pride etc.etc....
Very interesting topic :)

Undergraduate / Throughout my past, I was not heading in the right direction; Texas State U [8]


.... really? that's too bad :(



I couldn't trust anyone, nor could I depend on.



... I don't get that part (in bold letters).... what do you mean by that?


It's good you told this through some example... Take an event that she stood by your decision which others thought it's too silly. Then bring this point out through that event.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Genetically modified (GM) crops should be encouraged to develop. [3]


products' quality as well as the production volumes.
Very nicely presented introduction! good writing! :)


has brought/ is brought/ was brought/ will bring


....it's much nicer when you express this in direct speech.
Nowadays, consumers have gained acquaintance with several varieties of new crops.
I am not against passive voice. But direct speech is more effective when convincing ideas due to its simplicity. So I favor direct more to passive, but good writing is always a good balance of both using them when and where they are more appropriate.

Student Talk / I have an interview for a college. [11]

yep.... you need to be yourself, but make sure you have your ideas organized better... So, give it some thought as to how you present yourself in front of an interviewing panel. Your prior knowledge about the people who are going to interview you would be an advantage. If you know their background, pay attention to highlight the facts about you that may impress them.

Yes, at an interview what matters the most is your confidence. When you are confident, you get a natural flow. However, preparing for the interview can take you an extra mile in impressing the interviewing panel.

Scholarship / ASEAN YOUTH EXCHANGE PROGRAM-Why are you interested in participating? [7]


Now, the world renowned first class university, the Chulalongkorn University opens its doors for the ASEAN students and I am eager to begin my walk through this corridor that connects my way to the international arena.


First, I am keen on having a firm grip on the golden exposure of multiculturalism that would help me define my career better.


Globalization having a strong influence in the world of business today, if one needs to be a successful entrepreneur, it is of paramount importance for him to acquire a sound knowledge about multiculturalism, diverse beliefs, particular characteristics of different cultures of ASEAN countries.


And I have my faith and confidence in this program that it can create a perfect stage for me to be trained to take up all the challenges in my future career.

[/quote]

Writing Feedback / Is there a BEST AGE to marry? ; TOEFL IBT [2]


... Have a link set up between these two lines;
All of us look forward to enjoying life and having it stable. Marriage seems to be an ideal option for fulfilling these desires.
Let your ideas flow smoothly. One idea should give rise logically to another.


If so, what is the best age for marrying?


In my personal opinion, which is based on my personal experiences and the surroundings that I grew up, is that one should not marry before he touches the age of thirty.

Graduate / Passion for finance and natural affinity with numbers; Finance & Investment PS [3]


....these three lines fail to show any connection between each other. You need to have a smooth flow arranged, One idea must logically gives rise to anther one. Then your response would read more convincing and interesting. Why France in between these lines?

I suggest you to dedicate a line to show how your passion evolved and up to which level you hope to pursue it (your goal) Then go to another para and say up to date, what you've done and achieved in this direction. Also dedicate a special para to justify why you choose that particular college for studies, Talk about its features that are aligned with your future goals.

Writing Feedback / In twenty years, student will do all of their school work on a computer [2]


Educators debate whether students should be allowed to do all their school work using computers or not.


...I wish you said this idea in a more simpler way.


On one hand, the computer is an important and helpful invention for the students.
You tend to make your sentences crowded with too many key words... The most important things in an essay are the clarity and flow.... Too crowded sentences hurt the clarity and flow.

Writing Feedback / My grandma Phyllis is very special to me! [5]

sure...it's for you :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Exam writting : Child should spend more time in play or school project ? [7]


I hope it would be helpful for you
profitable always deals with money and not with feelings or experiences.
Also, you need to open a fresh thread for your essay if you intend to receive good comments from others. You cannot post your essays in others' threads. Please re-post this essay in a fresh thread and we will provide you with comments.

Writing Feedback / New experiences,Career preparation,Knowledge; Reasons why people attend college [2]


Education is the base that helps people to have a better life and find means to contribute towards the development of humanity.


There are several reasons why people want to attend college. However, the primary reasons are to gain new experiences, career preperaton and acquire new knowledge


.... I prefer if you convey your idea in a more simple way... It's good to write simple interesting sentences without crowding them too much with lots of words.

Essays / Mr Nelson Mandela; Need advice for this essay! [2]

We can help you improve essay by editing and giving ideas to polish it further. However, you need to work out your draft and post it here. On this topic, you can do a real good job if you really put effort. You first have to research to find facts about Mr Mandela's life, the leadership he provided to ANC for fighting against apartheid policy etc. If you google you can find various sources that provide lots of information about this great statesman of this century. As for the structure, you can introduce who Mr Mandela is in the introduction by telling very briefly about him and his background (only main points) Then move to the body paras to highlight each of the special points that you intend to discuss. Dedicate one body para for one such point. Finally conclude your essay, by saying what sort of impression Mr Mandela has made to the world and how worthy it is... These are just my suggestions and you can do it in your own style.

Writing Feedback / My Favorite Super hero is Ayatollah Khomeini [3]


I admire many personalities whom I believe as true heroes.


However, the person to whom I look up as my superhero is Ayatollah Khomeini who led the revolution in Iran in 1978.


I love him for two reasons; First, his astonishing personality and second, his fearless power to change the destiny of his nation.

Undergraduate / What would you buy if you have enough money? House or Business ? [3]

Hi flemmingbond,
First I need to request you two things; Have a meaningful topic for your essay in the tab for your subject when you open a new thread. Also, this type of essays should be posted under "writing feedback" forum category. These are important forum rules and also help you earn more comments, especially more relevant ones :)


.... there may be people who have purposes other than both of these. So, make it sound a little more balanced;
Some people wish to buy a house and some others would opt to purchase a new business.
A very good introduction - simple, yet contain all essential features .... good!


....food,clothing and shelter are the three main basic needs of a man and house provides shelter.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Exam writting : Child should spend more time in play or school project ? [7]


... body building generally refers to development one's muscles. I guess what you mean is that physical development of a child.
Childhood is the period during which one grows both physically and mentally a lot faster than any other phase in life.


... This is a fine point. You can align it more with your prompt;
If children are given and unnecessarystudy pressure beyond their natural will, this may hamper their natural growth that may affect their future negatively.

Writing Feedback / My grandma Phyllis is very special to me! [5]


... Seems an interesting start and just couldn't help my agitation to come up with a suggestion for you :D ;
Family, whether it is immediate or extended, is a treasure for all of us. My paternal extended family is pretty small in size with my father's four siblings, my three aunts and one uncle. My paternal grandma, Phyllis is a very interesting character and she is so special tome. I have so many wonderful memories of my grandma and I dedicate this essay in memory of my beloved grandma.

Also, make sure you include the topic/purpose/ prompt when in your post. That helps others to comment more relevantly.

Undergraduate / Contaminated Water: You experienced failure. How did it affect you? [3]

What's the prompt? It's always better to include the prompt in your essay so that we can provide you with more relevant feed backs.

Some help for your word count;


At eleven, I was a carefree innocent lad who drank water from the first tap in vicinity despite my parent's constant warning about the danger.


This habit often got me on hospital bed and at every such time my mother used to tell that loafers have built a chocolate house in my stomach. Only two years later I understood what she meant.

Writing Feedback / IETLS: Children can benefit by engaging in some kind of paid work [3]

As Pahan mentioned, I too find your first line goes out of topic. It is important to keep an alignment with your topic theme throughout your essay. Focus on what your topic asks you.


Again, this is not well aligned with the topic. Also, you need to back your reasons with specific examples.
I advise you to pay attention to the essay structure for this task.

Writing Feedback / Parenting outweigh the schooling in terms of nurturing a good member of society [3]


Nowadays, many people have realized the importance of influencing their children to be more socially responsible .


However, there are different view on who should be responsible for this task. Some people believe it is the responsibility of the parents while other people claim that schools should be responsible in producing more socially responsible people

Writing Feedback / Most difficult aspects of learning a new language ; TOEFL ibt [7]

Yes... you are right. You need to provide meaningful comments to two essays of other people to be eligible to open a new thread for your own. You don;t have to be very proficient in English. Read the contents and give them a meaningful feed back. You have ideas that can be helpful to others. Just write them in your own way and English is certainly not a barrier for this requirment.

Undergraduate / "We die every day"; Motivational letter for the RSM? [7]

I also lived in the United States for 5 months as I participated toin an exchange program in 2011


Thanks to my school that places a higher priority for providing its students with humanistic education (Philosophy, History, Literature), I learned be someone who thinks out the box and employ more creative approaches in problem solving.


Studying in a High school which is more science oriented, this reason helped me achieving a proper balance between technical and people skills.

Essays / IS IT COMPULSORY TO WRITE IN YOUR ESSAY WHY YOU CHOOSE THE COUNTRY ? [3]



I too agree with trilam. It is not a must to include why apply to a particular country. If you have a good reason in that respect, you can certainly mention that. However, you need to talk about the features of your college (or university) and how they are aligned with your goals and aspirations. Also, you generally do not talk about how you bare the costs... If you apply for a scholarship, then it is different :)

Letters / Study of the thermochemical erosion; Ph.D. Application Letter/Space Engineering [4]

The purpose of this writing is not clear.... Indicate that when you start a thread. I guess this is just a covering letter.


... I think this is good advice by Ahamad and appreciate his thoughtfulness. Yes, you better go through those templates and improve the presentation of this letter.


I humbly request you to consider my application for PhD and accommodate me in your research team.

Essays / Running Online Shops: A Promising Career for New Graduates? [5]


...chic? Well....may be I'm from old school... but I like if you don't use slang words in this type of essays.
Nowadays,online shopping is becoming increasingly popular.


... the students need to manage their online shops in order to obtain their diploma.


Perhaps, the most distinct advantages of running online shops may be the cost efficiency, flexibility in terms of time and geographical barriers.
This is quite interesting... I like your unique writing style :D
Good job!

Writing Feedback / Should museums charge admission fees? YES [3]


Advancement in technology has influenced the hobbies and leisure activities of the people of modern era.


.... what's the link between these two ideas? That's not clear... Your ideas should flow in a sequence that bind one another well... I think you need another line in between to bring out the relationship between the two.

Writing Feedback / What is the better way of gaining knowledge, experience or books ? [5]


.... Combine the two lines;
It helps us solve our problems and influences our perception.


... this line does not contain a meaningful idea.... Knowledge, irrespective of time, has always been sought by men for both to survive and thrive. So, this line sounds a bit awkward and also it does not contribute much to your idea. Come to your point soon - talk about the two ways of acquiring knowledge, books or experience? That's the argument you've got to deal with.

Research Papers / THESIS for today's youth's lack of interest in reading! [3]

We have beendumbeddumped down in comparison to early generations due to the fact that we are born in the digital age.


..., think of themselves only or do not have meaningful conversations with each other.


Is this what our future is going to turn into?


...and the youth of today resemble these characteristics.

Writing Feedback / 'what young people can learn from the older?' - the knowledge is most important [3]


... well, this looks like a bit more exaggerated . This is actually not a hot or serious issue topic that draws attention or concern of countries,.... So, you should start with a more simple idea that well introduces your topic. This is what I suggest;

In general, the young people learn many things from older people and it is a sort of accepted norm in society. However, can there be situations that older people learn from the young? Some people say yes whereas some others do not agree with this idea. In my view, the youth can teach the older people many things.

Essays / Why do I want to study Aerospace engineering? - SOP required - what to write? [4]

First, if you have been so passionate about this subject, you cannot claim that you don't have any idea about what it is. If you are interested in something, you naturally tend to know about it more and more and find information from various sources. So, first make sure that you still want to pursue this line. If you really do, first do some research to gain more knowledge about this subject. Ask yourself why you like this? Then note down the reasons and expand on them in your writing.