Writing Feedback / THE FIRST FRIEND IN MY LIFE [7]

I'm Vietnamese and my name is Thu Ba (that mean: autumn wave in English). I'm very delighted if you read my writing and comment on me. I have learned English for a long time but I'm still bad at English. Please help me improve skill of writing by your comment about grammar, punctuation and how to using correct words...

THE FIRST FRIEND IN MY LIFE

People often called me Little Third and called her Little Fourth. Both of us were only daughter in two families next door. At that time, two families were poor. Her mother sold sponge cakes and often was absent from her house. As for my mother was also busy all day. Therefore we were more and more familiar with each other because of children game such as tig, tag, jumping rope, and making house...

I still remembered she often took me to visit her kinsmen also being our neighbours. Whenever she was got gifts, she all divided me a half, even that was a lemon or star-fruit. And as for me I rarely gave her something because my parents were economical, seldom bought me a gift or a cake. There was a time, the Little Fourth was eager to carry my baby brother in her arm. Maybe my brother was too heavy for her to carry therefore she was stubbed and tumbled down on the ground. My brother cried out and she also burst into tear because of pain. When she fell down, she was scratched in her face and her knees. I felt very sorry about that although I didn't request her for carrying my brother. On the contrary, she required me to give my brother to her carrying. In deed, I was both blameworthy and was pity on her. After that, all remember of her house looked at me with cold eyes but she was still a good friend of me.

I never forgot how we shared every of sour green lemon with each other. I still remembered she helped me cut grass to feed rabbit every evening. We both did and told together. No matter where she went, she took me following. She considered me a real closed friend and I was grateful for all her mercies to me. All of words couldn't describe my love for her.

A few years latter, her parents were richer due to selling ground. They became businessman and businesswoman. And the more time passed. The more they were rich. Little Fourth was also more beloved of all than ever before. However she was still modest and closed to me. But many people tried their best to good impress her, I felt myself being about to have a distance with her. Moreover, I had no way to conquer her love as the other. Therefore I retired into my shell when the others were around her. There was the time; she took me coming to our friend to play game. Reaching the friend's house, she said me "Go out", she only invited The Little Fourth. I got angry; I just came back my house. The Little Fourth hastily held my hand and told me not leaving. She said she would request the friend let me play with but I came out my hand and went off. From that day on, I didn't often go out my home any more, except that The Little Fourth called me.

Soon after, the family of The Little Fourth moved to urban to live. We were gradually a part although I didn't want. Sometimes I met her again but long time no sees her, I felt ashamed and embarrass to see her. I didn't know what to say with her when I met her again. Every time, she returned old village, I only saw her from far distance through a series of fence. In three years within from the day she went off to urban, she often sent me greeting card in New Year. But two in three times, I didn't send her a greeting card again. And for gradually, she didn't send me anything and me too. We became two of strangers. From bottom of my heart, I am very sorry about that. I was stupid, I don't know how to connect with her again although sometimes we saw each other.

The Little Fourth probably thought that my love for her faded out in bygone day and I don't need her any more. Only I does know that I still miss her so much when she appears in front of my eyes. I feel delighted for her becoming a good friend of me. I'm grateful to her for being on my side in the childhood. Only when I die will I forget her.

Writing Feedback / A FLOWER OF GRIEF - FAIRY TALE [NEW]

I have already read twelve Russian fair tales,and they inspired me to write the following story.
Please read the fairy tale which I had made up and help me improve writing skill by your comment on grammar, punctuation and vocabulary

A FLOWER OF GRIEF

Once upon a time, there lived a tree in the top of hill near the poor man's hut. He named Ivan. He was an orphan and too poor to get married. After all day long working, he often leaned on the stump of tree to rest. It was dawning, he never forgot to sprinkle the tree with fresh waters. When he felt sad, he often complained his miserableness with the tree.

-If I were a girl, I would be married with you- said the tree

-Thank you for your wish. Anyway, you make me reduce my grieves- the man responded and leaning on the stump of tree. While he sighed, the tree called breeze coming to comfort him. When he dozed off under the tree. She stretched her bough to cover up for him preventing cold caused for evening dew and strong wind.

He lived a poor life for coming the time he died. When he died, the tree very unhappy. From that day on nobody sprinkled her with fresh water any more. She became dry up and die too.

After they died for a very very long time, Ivan was re-born in a poor family. His parents died early leaving him alone. But he was beloved of all people around him because he had a strong will and was talent. In a contest to look for husband for Eliza, the rich farmer's daughter in his village, he was outshone amongst wooers who proposed to Eliza. Although Ivan won glorious victory, he wasn't gotten married to Eliza. Because he was very poor and Eliza's father postponed to hold their weeding . The father of Eliza casted his money on the floor and told to Ivan

-Go and never return if you are still poor. For my daughter's imploring, I give you a year to get rich yourself. In a year, if you are not rich, my daughter will marry with another man, of course a rich man.

Ivan went off and passed a long way but he didn't know how to be rich. The more he went the more he was tired. But he couldn't return because he was afraid of seeing Eliza's despair. A long way together with great distress in his heart make him easily exhausted . Coming to near the foot of a mountain, he became ill more and more gravely. Several days passed by, nobody appeared to help him. He though he maybe would be die on a strange ground and the place he laid on after that being his grave. However, still remaining lucky for him, the beautiful Diana found out him when she went to collect firewood for her house. Diana asked her father to bring Ivan to come back her home. Her father help Ivan heal of disease. After recovering, Ivan decided to stay there with them. Ivan and Diana fell in love with each other. Their weeding was hold simple but happy with witness of Diana's father.

A long time after that Diana's father died. Ivan dug up a space of ground to burry him. All of sudden what should he discover but a jar of gold. He was very astonished and happy. He thought himself from now to then, he and his wife did neddn't work hard any more. After funeral of his father in law, he set out to market to sell some piece of gold and buy gifts for his wife who was very sad from her father's death. Ivan accidentally met an old friend at market. He told Ivan that although Eliza's father was greed and mean but she was still single to wait him, her betrothed for return. Ivan listened his heart missed a beat. He began to think of Eliza a lot.

A short time latter, he told his wife he wanted to come back his village. But he didn't want to take his wife to go with him. Diana felt sadness but she didn't tell her husband how she felt. When Ivan had gone off, she silently followed him. While she reach Ivan's village. She heard a rumour that there was the beautiful, rich and loyal Eliza waiting her betrothed in her lovesick for a long time and today she held a feast to welcome him back. Diana just understood the reason why her husband did not want to take her to go with him.

Diana burst out crying on her home way. She become ill more and more gravely while her husband was absent from her home. She died of grief.

When Ivan returned, he seriously sorry to see of his wife's death. She buried her and embrace her grave with unspeakable regret. This evening, he dreamed of Diana returning.

-I re-payed you for all my life- she said- and now I can leave you peacefully.

Ivan didn't understand what his wife said. Therefore his wife told him a story about the tree and the poor Ivan a long long time ago. Before vanishing in the thin air, Diana kissed Ivan the last time and wished him to like happily with Eliza.

Ivan woke up he saw a tree grew on from his wife's grave. From that day to after ever, he took care of the tree carefully. When the tree grew up, it's a wonderful tree. Leave of its was green in the front and was purple in the back. Its flower is white very beautiful.When it reached Vietnam, Vietnamese call it flower of grief (hoa lẻ bạn). Its flower not only decorates but also help people cure for grief due to disease

Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]

This is the paragraph which I wrote about my dear father. Please read it and help me improve English writing skill by your comments

Slippers of my father

Before bringing my father to rest for ever and ever, clergyman asked my relative burning all of slippers of my father. All of sudden, seeing slippers of father falling down to the fire, I sobbed one more time from a certain person wearing me a mourning headband . Within these of slippers, all was a crack in front of head and full fill mud stain.

When I became mature, my neighbor told me that my father loved books and school very much. But his dream couldn't accomplish due to war. Moreover, my uncle died at young age, my grandma felt agony. She urged my father should get marriage because she had only father as unique son. My father had no way to refuse. He obeyed his mom to please her. From that time, he said goodbye with books to step down in the rice field.

My father always worked hard in the rice field. When coming back home, he often leaned on the front column of my house to gasp. My father's clothes was wet with sweats as if he had no time to wipe them after talking bath. My family was a little of poor therefore he had to save to bring up my brothers and me. He ate a little and let us to have more.

When we entered University, my father was too economical to refuse buying slippers for him. He recycled slippers from two my brothers. There was a time, my mother asked me buying my eldest brother a pair of shoes. But he refused to wear them because they were out up date. For this reason, my father had the pair of new shoes to attend parties.

The last time, my father took me to bus station to catch bus coming to University, his motorbike broke down by chance in a half way. He tried to start it a gain but in vain. He told me to walk for the bus station unless I would be late. I said goodbye to him and went for walk forward bus stop. At a moment later, I saw the brother of my old friend, he took me to the bus stop. I turned back to my father and saw my father on home way bring his motorbike with his hands under the sun burnt down fiercely.

Soon after my father slept forever although I tried to get up him again and again. I wished that all I had happened were only dream but he were stroke and never came back the real world. He departed from this life in silence because he didn't want everybody to worry about him so much.

Amongst clarinet and drum in funeral, I sat motionless by his casket and saw silence his slippers turned into the smoke going with him. These of slippers were companies suffering all miserable of his life. They also were fulcrum for my father had enough strength to bring us coming to Universities.

When I gradated from Social Sciences and Humanities, I began to go for work and I saved to buy a new shoes for my father. My father try wearing them. And they were a little big for his feet. I told my father I should carry it to change smaller size but he told that "Not change. Both of them were fitting on your eldest brother"...

Even it's the last time in his life, he left the best thing for his offspring.

Writing Feedback / WISH FOR CHRISTMAS [3]

Please read it and help me revise mistakes in my essay. Thank you in advance

I still remember your promise two year a go. But you maybe forgot it completely. Therefore it's never true to your words.
There is coming Christmas one more time while we are a part farther and farther. I don't know whether you are happy or not when we are separated. But I fell sad so much because you broke my heart already. Do you know that it was the Christmas two year a go I was silently waiting for you coming as you promised. But you didn't come. Even if it was a message you didn't send to happy me Merry Christmas.

Soon after I knew that you were busing to take care of your uncle. He was the one who was abandoned from his sons and daughters. Although I knew you are kind but I feel unhappy from bottom of my heart because you didn't tell me what happened to you. If you said me that you were busy, I could never force you to go out with me. On the contrary, I would encourage you to carry out your duty.

You often said that you were always by my side. Well, I believed it without any condition. I thought that you cared me so much and you also need me. Therefore, I fell in love with you. From that day on, I thought of you much more. And the more you thought of you, the more I loved you. Although I knew you didn't love me as I imaged, I still couldn't delete you from my life.

I was the one who was been easy to hurt. I didn't want to see you happy with another girl. I couldn't bear you neglecting me. What's more, I didn't want to be beggar in love. Because you knew, I have a high of self-esteem. And my tears drip down from day to day when I recall your actions which I don't know whether you are deliberate or not. Therefore I had to say goodbye with you.

I still miss you even that I try to make strange with you. There are many times I think I never forgive you, but I quickly forget it when I miss you. Only need does you come, grieves will reduce in my heart. Except you, nobody could help me mend my broken heart.

It's coming Christmas; Santa Claus is too busy with children. I am not a child, maybe I don't bother him. I have no gift to share everybody like him, but I wish everybody a happy Merry Christmas. It's not like me, I always feel hurt and hopeless on Christmas from that day.

Undergraduate / The most unhappy day in my life ("my father was in bed for ever") [5]

Please help me improve English by your comment!

The most unhappy day in my life

That was that day my father was in bed for ever. Before going to work, I was a little surprised at him being in bed longer than another. Beside, I wondered myself whether he was well or not today. I came near to his bed and looked at him through mosquito net. He still lay as he was sleeping. I called him but there was no answer. I was terrible panic when I rolled the mosquito up and discovered him out of breath for a long time. I felt the sky fell down underneath my feet. I groaned in pain with my youngest brother and called for help.

Soon after many people rushed into my house because they couldn't believe my father was dead. It was yesterday evening they still saw my father going for walk in the edge of rice field. Amongst the crowded, there seemed a few people crying in company with me. From the time I realized my father never came into his senses, I sat motionless by his side. My hands held his hands while my tears dripped down on my face and my cheek. I didn't want to be apart from him even of a minutes because I knew it was the last time I was sat beside him.

Between my brothers, my father loved me the most. He rarely grumbled at me. When I felt sad, he always told everybody let me in silence instead of nagging me. He was the one who realized what I wanted even if I couldn't utter a word. He always afforded me what I wished. He always advocated what I carried out although he sometimes didn't really want how I did. He was actually the Buddha in my life.

But for now, he left me for real. There loved nobody to me like him. And I felt very unhappy when someone wore my head a mourning band. At that time, I just realized that my parents always make me happy but I didn't know I'm happy. I always dreamed of many things which I didn't occupy. I wished I had a wonderful sweet dream. I wanted to live in independence instead of living with my family. I'm too foolish because I didn't esteem what I had. I didn't know that my happiness was peaceful day beside my parents. I didn't recognize that it's my parents being my happiness.

I never forgot his sacrifice. And I was sorry that I have not done for him before he went away. No matter whether he was alive or dead, I still believe that he is always around me. Whenever I feel sad or apprehensive about something, I often whisper in my head: "Daddy, where are you? Are you around myself?" And my grieves will reduce in half when I call him as if he were still by my side.

It's three years ago from the day I was drown in agony but I couldn't forget that dreadful day. After my father's death, I dared not sleep for months. I was afraid that everybody left me alone like my father. I was afraid of everything and I was always in nervous tension. I was too exhausted to give up the job from that day.

Undergraduate / THE HANDKERCHIEF (That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country) [7]

Please help me improve English by your comments. Thank you in advance!

THE HANDKERCHIEF

(That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country)

In competetive sport of our school, you became champion in a long way running. There a beautiful girl gave you an hankerchief to dry sweat dripping into your face. But you bantered "let sweat make me cool". After that, you turned a side to your friend and whippered something. The friend of you came and said to me: "Do you have a handkerchief? Let it offer to Mr C to wipe his face. Except you, he said he couldn't receive from another women's". My heart missed a beat. I had an old hankerchief in my briefcase but I only wanted to give you the best to be therefore I said: "I'm sorry I haven't". The friend returned and replied to you what I said. Instead of being drunk of victory, you took up your hand to wipe your sweat. Although you didn't say a hard word to me, I felt a little death in my heart.

You didn't know, the day after, I myself made a beautiful hankerchief by my hand. In the handkerchief, I embroidered a couple of young birds. The one perched on the branch of tree to look forward to her sweetheart returning from a long way. Her sweetheart expected to meet her with full of his love and expectation. And I hoped that I could give my handkerchief to you in a certain day. But you never asked me about the handkerchief one more time...

I didn't know why I pushed you away. For this reason maybe I was too conceit or I had no way to express my love for you. At that time, I thought the decent girl must be to control one's love for the time she could marry. So I tried to be noble. I gave you up. And I treated yourself as if I considered you a stranger. And for you, you sometimes angried me about that but I pretended that I didn't know what happened to you. After graduated from high school, I didn't returned the old school as I promised. And you understood that I refused the last chance to meet you. From that day on, you felt tired of thinking of me.

On my home way from Ho Chi Minh city to Long An province, I by chance met you in flood season. In the distance I saw you look like looking forward to anyone. You was surprised to face me. After the question of greeting, I hastyly said goodbey to you because I realized there a beautiful girl called you and came running to you. You was embarrass as if he made a fault to me because you thought I felt sad when seeing your girlfriend. In fact, I hurriedly went to my home instead of talking with you long because I was afraid of you realized there hid sorrow in my eyes when I knew your love for another girl, not me. My soul was empty like the rice field in the flood season when I saw you and your girlfriend walked away hand in hand happily.

The rain evenings in the dorm, I took out my handkerchief which embroided a couple of young birds from my briefcase. I pulled out all the threads and began to embroidered again with new threads. My dream about a couple young birds always side by side never came true. Therefore, my handkerchief only remained one young bird with blue eyes seeing forward to the enormous sky...

Undergraduate / Late in explaination ("someone couldn't keep their promise with me") [2]

Please read and help me improve English by your authentic comments. Thank in advance

This is emotion when someone couldn't keep their promise with me. They by chance make me break heart but they didn't know. After that, I just knew they also had their private reason because I couldn't ask therefore they couldn't explain. But it's late to discover it, we were a part too long...

My birthday came in company with summer. That was the day which our class said goodbye each other after 3 years of high school. Some days before, you promised of bringing to me an unexpected pleasure in that day. I would be eager to wait for your words coming true.

The date coming, I realized that you have already taken Miss Hein to go her home. There remained only me in the empty school yard. I felt the bitter truthfulness of your behavior. My heart was broken as though I have just lost something in its. You said you cared for me a lot but why you left me alone to please Miss Hein. Black clouds all of sudden covered with the sky and summer rain came by chance. Just a moment before, it was still sunshine, but now it became grey. The sky also like you. No sooner you were cold than had you been warm. For this reason I felt that I have not understood you. Without rain coat, I went to my home in the rain. My tears merged into the rain drops.

I wonder myself why you could find it in your heart to do it with me. This was not first time but more than twice. Last Christmas, you promised you took me to the town for sight seeing. And I silently hoped that my door bell rang while you you were coming to me. But my hope was against my hope, you were not true your words. You didn't so much as send me a message on that holiday...

When my sorrows relieved, I met you by chance in the coach to my village after three years we were a part. I reminded the old event just like a memory. My distress in the past skipped away like the wind blew off. But you said that you still carried a heavy stone in your heart until you met me again. You explained to me, at that time, you let me wait because Miss Hein had a foot-ached from motorbike accident and he had to take her home. You never forgot your promised and returned school yard to find me but in vain. And as for that Christmas which I referred, he was busy to care for his uncle on account of exception of him, no one took over it.

After the problem was poured out, every thing was clear. I felt regretted because I blamed on your indifference. Is it late for me to say sorry to you?

Writing Feedback / Computer is useful tool - has many functions [3]

Please read it and help me revise the mistakes in my essay
Computer has many functions which collect of function of radio, television, book, paper and pen...Therefore; nowadays computer becomes useful tool, especially for learning.
With connecting internet, computer could completely take place of radio, television, magazine, newspaper, book, paper and pen. Using computer has many benefits. Instead of buying all they need such as radio, television, book and so on, we only need computer which is enough. Because a heap of books also difficult to replace one computer. T.V and radio are convenient for life but they act in accordance with broadcast station. So, they are hard to comfort us whenever we want. Magazine, newspaper and book are familiar with us. Sometimes, we need to read one of the old articles in them but it's difficult to find out the one we want in massive storage. Moreover, they are easy to decay and turn into dirt and make harmful for our health. While you could find out everything in internet. We only need to know the way how to search all we want. On the other hand, computer is reliable. They could help us save document effectively and help us find document easily with the search tool. Beside, computer could help us check grammar and spelling. And we could learn everything from internet such as cultivating, cooking, make-up... Especially in learning foreigner language, computer is an effective tool. With computer connecting World Wide Web, I could chat with foreigner, watch video clip, and listen music in the new language. Essay forum is an example. With essay forum, we could improve English with members of its. It's very useful.

Computer could be in comparison with teacher but it couldn't replace for teacher. Because without teacher, nobody could instruct us to use computer. Teacher is the one could stimulate our curiosity and craving for knowledge. Teacher show us how to study effectively and convey their experience to us. And the most important is teacher who is always willing helping us explain what you don't understand.

In short, we could speak that computer is one of the most useful things in our life and it doesn't make sense for computer to compare with people.

Writing Feedback / DREAM BRING ME TO ANOTHER WORLD [4]

please read it and help me improve idea, grammar or vocabularies. Thank in advance!

Toni Cade Banbara said that: "When you dream, you dialogue with aspect of yourself that normally are not with you in daytime and you discover that you know a great deal of than you thought you did". She was right to say that for many many situation in real life. But there are some strange matter in this life which science still isn't able to explain. Intuition is an example to prove that. For me, dream deprives from both myself and environment.

Dream helps me not only deprive series of suffering mental breakdowns but also contact with another aspect of life which I couldn't control it.

When I dream, I don't think I dream, but that is real, real life of me. Although I still remember what happens in my real life, but real life sometimes become incorrect in my dream. For example, my father died from 2006, but I always think he is alive in my dream. I deny myself with my conscious. I still remember my father went away from me for a long time, but in my dream, I feel as if he had been traveling someplace and after that he return with me.

After my father died, I hold his shirt for keepsake. Over two years, I dream of him. He smiled with me and ask me: "Where is my striped shirt?". Long time passed by from the day my father said goodbye with real life. I still remembered I put his shirt in my draw, but I was lazy to find it, I told to him: "You're not her (my house) for a long time therefore I hide it carefully". He brusted out laughing as if he just heard a funny story.

Sometimes, I saw him in my dream, I took me a meat-loaf, he saw me eating and asked me: "how delicious is it?". In my dream, my father never dead. He is happy to meet me. He acted as if he wanted me that he is always beside myself. When I bought new computer and connect with enternet, I also saw him started it and ask me how it use. He said that he made friend with computer when I went to work...

However, it is not whenever I missed him, I could see him. There were some months I couldn't see him in my dream. There were some times, he met quickly, he said he was busy going somewhere.

In short, my father is always a guest in my dream. No sooner he came than had he gone. After he had gone, I happen to suddenly remember why I forget to ask his phone or his place.

I think dream sometime brings me to place which I couldn't image. Life has many wonderful thing and dream also.