Undergraduate / "care & compassion for people" -CommonApp: Significant experience/ Topic of my choice [7]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. or Topic of your choice

I'm still unsure which it would fit in.

CommonApp Significant Event: THAI ORPHANAGE [updated]

Rewritten common app answer.
I still think I need a better 'hook' at the beginning.
All thoughts/comments are greatly appreciated!

I could not sleep. I blamed the humidity as I lay sweating on a worn out itchy mattress with a holey mosquito net framing my body. The other twenty or so children were still, their snores echoing in the unventilated stuffy room. That was my first glimpse of the lifestyle of so many other people in the world. The small bowl of rice and mushy salted cabbage that I shared with another girl did not fill me up, my growling stomach agreeing with me. The attitude of the children at the orphanage in rural Thailand where I spent two nights at opened my eyes to so many things that went unnoticed. It was not surprising that I had become complacent after growing up in my comfortable flat in central Tokyo, going to the same international school my whole life. I had heard of, and seen pictures of people living in derelict conditions but not for more than a second did I give thought to life outside my enclosed bubble until I actually experienced it myself. Yes, my two hour commute to school each way was tiring- so was the daily routine of making five packed lunches each morning for my family, cooking dinner every other day, grocery shopping, and walking the dog- these chores made up my constant complaining, yet this was all trivial and insignificant compared to the domestic chores the children at the orphanage were responsible for. I heard it all before, but the fact that I was a privileged child with so many opportunities before me did not register in my mind. Some did not have the opportunity to go to school, and the food was the same everyday, except for when the hen lay an egg and they would take turns getting the treat. I did not think of small daily details such as taking cold baths in rain water collected in a deep tin barrel, or using a candle to light the way when it got dark. My lack of knowledge and awareness has made me realise that I still have yet so many things to learn outside of the classroom.

With a renewed view, I want to make the best out of my opportunities. Growing up in a diverse culture has broadened my perspective on the way different people treat different situations. I do not need to be reminded of how lucky I am. I know of the basic human rights that everyone should be, but is not, entitled to. The lack of health care, especially, was something that stood out to me. Experiencing the decapitated living conditions, and exposed to the reality of what people do not have, yet their positive willpower getting them through each difficulty has made me believe in mankind. Inside of me, a strong sense of compassion and hope for people blossomed. With the determination and strong sense of will that dwells inside me, I know I can create a change for others. The importance of providing hope, along with my compassion and care for others has fueled my aspiration to work to improve the lifestyle of those less fortunate.

The experience has shaped me to be a more interested individual; my desire to learn more about social work and health care fueled by seeing first hand for myself the lives of others that shocked me into reality.

The compassion I have for people and fulfillment of seeing someone's lifestyle improve has led to me to consider a career in physical therapy. Although this is a long road, I believe my compassion for people will see me through, and my interest in biology- especially human physiology will get me a long way in this field. I aspire to open a clinic in a developing country that will lend facilities to Non Profit health care Organisations like medicine sans frontiers. Like Jackie Robinson said: "A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives." I believe we are here to help others with the unique mixture of skills and abilities we are privileged enough to posses and gain over the course of our education and experiences. I hope to use my skills/expertise and gift of caring for people to impact someone else's life because "only a life lived for others is worth living." - Albert Einstein.

...

-->And i'm still unsure of how I should end it.
Somewhere in my essay, should I emphasis that I want to study health sciences and social work?Would this be necessary?
Also, I would like to incorporate one of these quotes into my essay, do you think it would make it more powerful?
"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives."-Jackie Robinson
"Only a life lived for others is worth living"-Albert Einstein

Undergraduate / "In Malaysia, Brazil, Tanzania; working in a village hospital" - JHU supplement [10]

Please be harsh and tell me what you think.
I have 350 words, What can I cut out?

Write a brief essay (250 words maximum each question) in which you respond to the following questions. (Freshman applicants only):

1.Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I'm lying on my bamboo bed looking at the bright pink celling of my attic, reminding myself to paint it dark blue this weekend. I imagine what a different feeling it would give my room. A new, exciting bold look. My mind then drifts off to the future. I imagine myself in five, ten, fifteen years. Where am I? What am I doing? Am I happy? Am I proud of what I'm doing? Of what I am accomplishing? Am I married, a mother, still single? How many things have I checked off my "to do before I die" list? Have I got my pilot license yet? Been jet skiing, climbed mt. Kilimanjaro?

In moments like these I envision all sorts of possibilities. I'm in Malaysia, Brazil, Tanzania; working in a village hospital, volunteering at a women's clinic, spreading awareness of HIV/AIDS with a NGO. Somehow, there are always common elements to my visions. I end up imagining my self in a foreign country, (unfortunately still single), definitely happy and proud of what I'm accomplishing, working with underprivileged people. With an enthusiasm for traveling and yearn for experiencing diverse cultures first-hand, I picture myself in a local area, working with a NGO in a health-related mission.

Ever since I could remember, I wanted to go into the field of health. I was the head surgeon to my toy animals, the nurse to my brothers and the girl with the cutest first aid kit on camping trips. This is why I am pursuing a degree in public health. Reading about the internship with a local NGO whilst studying abroad in Cape Town made this course even more desirable. It is tailored to my every interest! Going to the US for the first time, living and studying in JHU, and working in South Africa will definitely allow me to experience new cultures. The top-notch education at JHU, new challenges, and growing collection of memories will add to my wealth of experiences. And as a bonus I can check off two more things from my "to do before I die" list: Live in the famous US whilst studying at the prestigious JHU, and working in South Africa.

Undergraduate / "my first time going to America; volunteer opportunities" - 2nd JHU supp [5]

This is a very rough draft of my supplement.
Please tell me what you think, and I will definitely provide feedback on yours.

Do I sound boastful, arrogant and too ambitious?

2.A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?

As it will be my first time going to America, I will definitely devote most of my holiday time to traveling. I will backpack to the typical tourist spots, take typical tourist photographs, and buy typical tourist postcards. I will then explore further. My friends familiar with the area will guide me to the hidden spots only those living there know about. I will relax in the rare sunny spot at the park, eat at the cafe with the best scrambled eggs, and sing at the cheapest karaoke booth. This is just the beginning.

Reading about the multitudes of activities and opportunities through the internet and on by following student's blogs has left me excited for life at Johns Hopkins. My hobby for cooking, passion for caring for others, and ambitious personality has left me dreaming of devoting time to the SHARE (supporting hospitals abroad with resources and equipment) club, AIDS Alliance, and Food for Love. I will volunteer at My Sister's Place (the women's center that Food for Love supports), and be a guide and host once I am familiar with the area. Aside from these service activities, I plan to master french, keep up my Japanese, and self teach Chinese with help from members of the SASH. I will save up for a Cello, play my flute when I need inspiration, and challenge my room mate to a game of chess.

Those who do not know me will think I am overly ambitious, but it's better to dream big and reach further, than set boundaries on what you can achieve.

Undergraduate / "Only sixty more meters! Come on guys!" - Commonapp-ECA <150words [5]

I only have a day or so left till I have to submit it.
Please be as harsh as needed, I will try my best to see your essay in return.

"Only sixty more meters! Come on guys!" I looked down at my peers clambering over icy roots, their boots sinking deep into the snow. We had been hiking for three days now, waking up at 3:00am to aches and bruises from carrying our massive backpacks. Cooking utensils, warm dry clothes, fuel, a tent, a sleeping bag, and our water supply was strapped onto our backs as we endured twelve hours of cruel whippings of beads of ice from the fierce wind up the mountain. The Duke of Edinburgh expedition was the toughest challenge I had ever been through both physically and mentally. Despite the harsh weather conditions and negative atmosphere around my tired, frustrated peers, I tried my best to stay positive and shout out encouragement to my group. This way, at least we knew we were all in it together and that someone believed we could do it.

Undergraduate / expressing my inner world through baking (UNC essay) [3]

--------I am unsure if I am answering the question in the way they want me to.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Am I too repetitive/descriptive/boring? Should I incorporate other aspects like how my baking includes bits of Japanese/Singaporean elements because I take with me things from where I come from/grow up, my cultures intwine with diversity because I'm half singaporean, living in Japan and attending an international school ect----

People find many ways to express their inner world. Some write novels; others paint, perform, or debate; still others design elegant solutions to complex mathematical problems. How do you express your inner world, and how does the world around you respond?

The tantilising smell of the angry black berries rise up as I stare at my reflection in the uneven surface of the tart. Anger, confusion, and frustration evaporate when I enter the realm of baking. It is my intangible sanctuary, a place where I pour out feelings that even some of my closest friends cannot fully understand.

Confusion and indecisiveness ends up as a caramel marble cheesecake, the swirl of colour and mixture of texture exactly how I feel. Bittersweet chocolate drowned in burnt caramel portrays hurt and jealousy, and messy peanut butter - chocolate truffles express my frustration and stress. On days where I am happy, I will immerse myself in conjuring up a fluffy carrot cake topped with a generous dollop of cream cheese frosting. My love and compassion is tasted on circular cakes layered with intricate designs of whipped cream and decorated with evenly sized strawberries whilst chestnut puree squeezed through holes in a creamfiller cause them to flow gracefully onto a soft sponge base like tears, symbolising my sadness.

Those around me know I am sincere when they receive a sticky almond tart with an apology note, and my gratitude is expressed through the thank you card attached to the spicy cinnamon apple crumble. Baking has allowed me to express myself without words. The final product reflect my feelings, and like our ever changing emotions, the desserts are eaten whilst my negative feelings evaporate. The aftertaste is what lingers, happiness and contentment replacing the anxiety and stress that gnawed at my mind. I can now sift through what needs sorting after I expose to the world my feelings and emotions. For me, baking takes care of that.

How can I make it flow better??
Pleease suggest some improvements!!

Undergraduate / UNC-lost in the mountain [6]

Is it boring or too long winded?
Do you think I effectively answered the essay prompt?
Any other feedback and improvements are greatly appreciated.
Comment and I'll comment back, Thank you in advance!!

4.Tell us about a project in which you had to collaborate with your peers. How did it go?

Containing all my patience and using all the self-control I could fathom I refrained from screaming at my peers. How could they not see the simple logic I was trying to convey? The frustration inside me was evident, radiating out of my body through my quick raised voice. We had been here for almost an hour first discussing, then arguing, about the situation we were in. It was almost dark and the problem was still not solved. Why don't we just try? I snapped. It's almost dark, and by the time we finish deciding what to do we could be out of this mess. Although the whole Duke of Edinburgh Gold group sensed the urgency, as a group, we could not all agree on a solution.

The gold level was the highest level in the Duke of Edinburgh- an award for youths aged 14-25 who must complete 6months of a service, action, and creative activity. The last component to the award was a 4 day self planned hiking trip. With half a tent, my sleeping bag, sleeping mat, four days worth of food, fuel, water, cooking utensils and other essential items strapped onto my back, I began the journey with excitement, hope?, and nervousness. Our group of seven struggled through the first two days, but the third was the most demanding yet, both physically and mentally. We were lost by a stream with no visible solution. Up or down the stream? Up would mean potential cell phone reception but if there was none, we would have to eventually turn down. Going down meant eventually getting to the base of the mountain- it was faster but significantly more dangerous.

Not only was it getting dark, but what we saw along the stream scared us. Along the stream were piles of bones neatly stacked on top of each other. Right next to that was a pile of fur, and further up a deer skull. Coming from the city, none of us had ever seen such a sight and two of the girls started crying. We were all scared. What were we going to do? With no adults supervising us, no one knew where we were. It was up to us to decide what to do, and perhaps it was this thought that made me feel responsible. I put forth both arguments and took on the role of a "leader". By listening to each person's point of view, we finally came to an agreement to wait at where we were whilst the three of the fastest, strongest of us took all our cell phones and ascended the steep, slippery rocks. I stayed behind decided to set up tents and make hot drinks whilst we waited incase it became dark when they came back.

The fear and worry that I felt was a new experience to me. It was mentally exhausting to choose how to proceed when so many people disagreed and refused to cooperate on the options presented. Yet it had to be done. I am glad for the experience yet I never what to repeat what happened that trip.