Undergraduate / Williams window essay; 'The girl walks slowly into the tack room' [3]

Very powerful; I love it! The only thing I would say is that the prompt wants you to reflect on a moment and you end up commenting on the place / the people in your riding school and the horses (?). If that was the moment when you realized that there are things more powerful than words, such as love and experiences, then you need to state that more explicitly in the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / I traveled to Poland; Peace Corps: Cross Cultural Essay [3]


If you need to eliminate words, you can take this whole paragraph out. It doesn't really do anything for your essay.

The prompt says to pick one experience. To get more specific, choose one place to talk about. Use some dialogue or an anecdote to illustrate what you're saying, instead of just saying it. Like, for Poland, describe how you acted out something and how the people in your host family reacted. It would put a creative spin on your essay.

Overall, you write very eloquently. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Pursuit without passion is trivial" - PTCAS personal statement application [2]

1. I think you should say "physical therapy/therapist" instead of "PT" (Abbreviating looks very informal)

2. What about the first time you heard that statement made it stick with you throughout all this time?

Overall, you have a powerful story to tell and you did a good job. Just make sure that you don't sacrifice the "why I love physical therapy" part in the beginning for a lot of details about "what I've done" in the end.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay for Occupational Therapy Transfer [2]

I think a better angle to take would be "Why I want to be an occupational therapist", not "Why I'm qualified to be a physical therapist".

Your experiences are really good and no doubt would say a lot about you, but it would be a lot more powerful if you illustrated your patience and optimism, or the compassion and communication you have with your kids, instead of just saying that you have it.

There are a lot of professions like nursing or teaching that require similar personality traits, so make sure your passion for that field shines through.

Good luck, and very good writing!

Undergraduate / Exodus to epiphany - Common App Essay! [17]

1. I love this so far! I think it's very focused and a powerful story, although some background as to why you were in Egypt (?) and an overview of why this conflict was happening would be nice.

2. What I got from this essay is that you are very observant and compassionate, as well as possessing a strong sense of what is right and wrong. I don't know what your specific prompt was (Just Topic of Your Choice?), but you did a good job of presenting your career plans to your compassion for others.

Undergraduate / "The proof of Gold is Fire" - Fire on Ice [3]


I think the entire first paragraph is too much intro. I would just put the quote at the beginning and then dive into the second paragraph. If you really want to make the connection to Seattle University, it would look great at the end, or in that paragraph.


This is one of the best essays I've read so far. It's unique and very well-written! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Page 87 of Autobiography (VCU); the white ceiling, covered in cracks vs inspiration [3]

I agree with admissions... You tried extremely hard to be descriptive but I had no idea why this moment was significant enough to be a part of your autobiography...

Undergraduate / The Power of Perseverance - PS; My mom has always told me that quitting is not an option [5]

I know you're using the five-paragraph approach, but it comes off as a little stiff. You have good experiences and write very well, but if you included some dialogue or description and/or stuck to one specific example of your perseverance, it could be a lot more powerful. Like geebs5 said, it's better to show that you were determined and let readers figure that out on their own instead of just saying it.

Undergraduate / True belief, The salvation of a cynic - Common app;topic of your choice [14]

Your beliefs aren't necessarily the problem, but your essays do sound a little close-minded.

As a Christian strong in my faith, I found the emphasis on science being fact and the implication that religion cannot be fact a little offensive.

Also, faith is believing in what is not grounded in fact, so your faith in "Truth" sounds a bit contradictory.

Other than that, I don't see any glaring grammatical errors, and you have a very descriptive style of writing.

Undergraduate / Overcoming Shyness - Significant Challenge [4]

I like the topic of your essay, and you're a very eloquent writer, but you kind of glossed over the "challenging-ness" of your challenge through the second paragraph. For example, you could take out the worrying the night before and skip to the first time you smiled at the stranger as you walked into school. You could spend more time describing your nervousness and frustration with always being shy. Emphasize that even though you face the same shyness every time, THAT was the time when your determination was greater than your fear.

Also, the lessons you learned from your experience are true but also cliched. Talk about why it was so important to you to overcome your shyness and why it's so important to keep confronting your fears.

Some small grammar things, depending on what you want to keep:






Good luck!

Undergraduate / I envision myself to be a one of the cornellians ; cocornell engineering essay [9]

Overall, it's not too bad... Boringness isn't the problem, it's mostly making your ideas flow. Especially in the last two paragraphs, I started to lose the passion for computer science (?) and the drive you had for helping people. Those paragraphs sounded kind of generic. Remember, you aren't going to Yale so they can fund your project; think about what Yale stands for, and what you want to learn from them.

Undergraduate / Unique aspect of Lehigh/what subject would you make mandatory? [6]

For your first essay, I think you need to talk less about the prestige (colleges generally don't like to hear that you chose a college just because it was popular) or the beautiful campus and more about some extra-curricular activity or course. Lots of colleges have small class sizes; something more unique would work better.

Undergraduate / Marist College short answer; be able to learn at the Poughkeepsie campus [4]

It sounds very... vague... A lot of colleges have majors, minors, and other activities, small class sizes, accessible teachers, tutoring, and study abroad programs. Even though this is an essay about Marist, it's first and foremost an essay about you. Get specific. Your sentence about the math lab was good. You said "Every major I could possibly be interested in is offered at Marist College." What are they? What do you want to learn, how do you want to learn, and how is Marist going to help you reach your fullest academic potential?

Grammatically, it looks fine to me. You write very well, and if you make your essay a little less vague, your response will stand out that much more compared to the other hundreds/thousands written in the same way.

Hope that helped!

Undergraduate / The bitter notes were made honeyed again; Yale Common Ap [6]

I like it; it's very poetic. The only thing is that you sometimes get so focused on the description of the piano that the words end up taking away from the image you're trying to create. You have to remember that you're elaborating on an EXTRACURRICULAR activity, so you need to emphasize that you play the piano regularly now. Also, you have to explain why this activity means so much to you. Does it help you remember your mother (My impression from the essay was that she passed away)? Was it a way of dealing with your grief or stress?

Undergraduate / I envision myself to be a one of the cornellians ; cocornell engineering essay [9]

I'm impressed! This looks a lot more cohesive, I can feel your passion for computer science a lot more, and you made a clearer connection between your love of the subject and why you would go to Yale.

Undergraduate / "Home Is Where the Grillpocalypse Is" ; why Uchicago essay [2]


I have no idea what a grillpocalypse is. How did that phrase immediately make you want to attend UChicago?


Are you implying that UChicago is not sophisticated? What are simple tastes and activities? What does your simple life look like?


Why do you strive for those things?


If you lead a simple life, why does such academic rigor interest you?



Lots of colleges have Computer Science programs. What about UChicago's program is unique? Why do you want to work at those labs or with that professor?


Why do the housing options appeal to you so much?


Where do you live? What about UChicago will make it more welcoming than another university?

Overall, I like your writing style but the essay sounds a little vague right now.

Undergraduate / New York City / Playground and classroom / NYU campuses - supplement questions [2]

I think if you just check the "No Additional Campuses" boxes on the supplements, you don't have to write anything for them.

Undergraduate / UIUC essay: Past circumstances and choice of major; My enthusiasm about mathematics [2]

I actually don't see any problems with this! It's engaging without being too cliched, and I could really get a sense of who you are from those paragraphs. If you want to make it sound less like a summary, I would describe one of the math battles you had with your father (description, dialogue, etc.) and then go into your essay.

One thing:


Good luck!

Undergraduate / My family and I moved in the middle of my junior year:Education Interruption [2]


It's important that you talk about how you fought to get back to better grades and relationships and how you learned to adapt; you don't want to sound like you are making excuses for doing poorly in school, especially since going to college is going to be another big transition.

Undergraduate / The day you were born was the best day of my life: Common App [7]

Is this a letter you imagine that your father would have written to you, or is it a letter that you imagine writing to your future son? It's creative and well-written, but this letter sounds like some kind of suicide note and it sounds a little personal to be used as an admissions essay. You want this essay to talk about YOU so the focus has to be you now, not speculating on your future family and future memories.

Undergraduate / The day you were born was the best day of my life: Common App [7]

It does clear the air, thanks! It's a unique format, but you don't want readers to be confused about why you would have imagined yourself dying while your future son was still a baby/young child.

Your essay says a lot about your values but nothing about who you are why you are the way you are. What experiences made you feel so strongly about anger or determination?

Undergraduate / Nigeria needs to go with the flow of the tide:Illinois Urbana Champaign essay [4]

It's a pretty well-written essay, but how would you use computer science to help your country? In what ways would work become more efficient and easier?

Undergraduate / Macarons and baking; Topic of your choice/Common Application [2]

The part about smelling salt in the marshes is a bit random; I'd take it out.

Overall, you have a very eloquent style of writing, and I like the story. If you included more about your background with baking and why it's so important to you, and what unique things baking teaches you besides hard work and dedication, this will make a very solid essay!

Undergraduate / Hailing from the most southern tip of Texas ; Why Yale? [8]

I like what you started with... Keep going! What major are you interested in and why? What extra-curricular activities? To keep it unique, just talk about how growing up in Texas made you who you are and why your passions and values match up to Yale.

Scholarship / DESCRIBE YOURSELF. B CREATIVE - Trustee's Scholarship Personal Statement [9]


I get that you're "free and creative", adaptable to new situations, and compassionate.


Yes


It needs a little fleshing out to connect the things that you're saying, but you definitely write well.


[quote=qasderwdw]When I was five years old, I left my familiar world of Kimchi, Choco Pies , and Korean candy to be thrown into an unpredictable world(Why?) . Since then, I have been constantly challenged by a sequence of moving and adjusting. Such abrupt changes in environment brought confusion and fear, but it also rewarded me with a wealth of experience that molded me into who I am now.

(The five paragraph format is a bit anti-creative used like this. Instead of saying that changes brought confusion and fear, try opening with a story of the first time you moved and describe the experience so readers will imply those things. Also, you don't necessarily want to sum up your essay with the last sentence of this paragraph; you want the reader to keep reading.)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies" ; University of Chicago [6]

qasderwdw is definitely right about the descriptive language, and unfortunately, about the topic. Colleges don't want to hear how much you struggled with the essay. Dig deeper than that. If your fear was a person, what would it say? Why are you so afraid of being rejected? Imagine the worst-case scenario. What times has it popped up before you had to write the essay?


The battles between these enemies created stories, movies, etc. What has your battle with your fear produced?

Undergraduate / Academic interests/ What intrigues you?: NYU Supplements! [4]

I agree with DrS.

For your first one, what made you interested in biology? In medicine? Why does neonatology in particular appeal to you? How has your school career made you certain that these are the things you want to pursue?

For the second one, why does the Internet intrigue you more than anything else? How often do you use the Internet? For what? How does your interest in the Internet shape you? What have you done with your interest? How will you use it in college and with a career?

Undergraduate / Wellesley College supplement, why Wellesley? - Mona Lisa Smile [5]

You can do a lot of expanding on this first paragraph. How does the scenery of the college create a radiant community where women strive? You need to talk about more than its beauty. You said that Wellesley is all the way on the other side of the world for you. Where do you live? What does your male-dominant conservative culture look like? I'm thinking Saudi Arabia? Why do you feel so strongly about proving your worthiness as a woman? There are a lot of women's colleges in America; what made you choose this one?


What messiness are you referring to, and how will campus activities make sense of it?


What kinds of math games do you like? "Geek" is considered a negative term, so I would change that word. How will solving math problems glorify your gender?

I can tell that you have a lot of pride in your gender and a lot of passion for math and economics, but this essay comes across as very generic. Tell us more about you than you do about Wellesley.

Undergraduate / It's true, though, me being "unfocused"; Stanford (Intellectual Vitality Essay) [4]

I love your writing style; it's engaging and your personality really shone through. I would have to agree with linting2012 that your "unfocused"-ness combined with calling your teacher an old hag implies that a. You can't follow directions (They are necessary sometimes) and/or b. You can't respect authority/people who have views that are different from yours.

Undergraduate / Activity Essay for Common App (personal essay); 'three 1-week work experience placements' [3]


Try: For a work experience placement run during school, I spent a week working with Birmingham's landscape architecture group.

Try to talk less about what you did and more about how your experience changed you. Besides conversational skills, did your experience ignite a passion for architecture? How did it feel building something that would help people? Stuff like that...

Undergraduate / "To be or not to be" ;UPenn Supplement Essay [3]

One word: thesaurus. People reading college essays hate them. Put some more emotion into your essay by taking some of the big words out.

Undergraduate / I grew up in hospitals; Common App Essay/ topic of your choice [4]

I love it! Captivating and it says a lot about you...

Undergraduate / What intrigues you ? New York University Essay - I need some inspiration [3]

Only you know the answer to that question. It could be pretty much anything (try to avoid people though). Just write about how you came to know about it, how it impacted you, and why it intrigues you.

Undergraduate / Experiences of a Russian American (WIP) // 3 short essays for MIT [5]

Love them! Full of personality and very eloquently written! Good luck.

Undergraduate / USC Engineering suppliment essay. degrees Benefit to society, and am I a nerd? [3]

You need to delete the sentences about how you are unsure of how your major will benefit society and focus your essay around your last sentence. Elaborate on the kinds of catastrophes from which you want to protect the population, and describe how discoveries in astronomy and engineering have already indicated that there may have been life on other planets. Right now, I'm getting a lot of knowledge about your field, but not enough passion or information about what matters to you.

You don't answer the question; the choices are "nerd", "geek", or "neither". You should pick one and elaborate accordingly.

Hope that helped, and good luck!

Undergraduate / To show the world that "We Exist"is my vision ; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual Vitality [8]

I'm not really seeing much of you in this essay. Tell us why it's so important to provide minorities with your program, the struggles that made you so passionate about equaling the playing field. Tell us how you discovered SMASH and how the support system you took from it helped you personally. Connect this idea to what is important to you, what you will take with you to college and beyond.

Undergraduate / To show the world that "We Exist"is my vision ; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual Vitality [8]

This essay does a much better job of giving me a sense of who you are! The only thing I would suggest is a little more organization. You jump from your love for sports to your tendency to try new things to your favorite games and films to this sports anecdote again. I know that you want to give your "roommate" as much information about you as possible. However, telling three or four of the most important things about you, then using the essay to elaborate on them, will be a lot more effective.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / These trend words would be in our minds; NYU/What intrigues you? [3]

As long as you emphasize that trending slang is a method of communication and describe what those words mean to you, your school, or our entire generation, it should fit the prompt.

Undergraduate / MIT essay // Most significant challenge // Father's alcoholism [14]

I like your story and your writing style, but try to avoid blaming your father for all these different circumstances and focus more on what they taught you.

Undergraduate / Distant cousins? I have never heard of them/ Boston college essay [6]

I don't know what prompt this is supposed to be answering...

In his novel, Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann writes:

"We seldom know what we're hearing when we hear something for the first time, but one thing is certain: we hear it as we will never hear it again. We return to the moment to experience it, I suppose, but we can never really find it, only its memory, the faintest imprint of what it really was, what it meant."

Tell us about something you heard or experienced for the first time and how the years since have affected your perception of that moment.

Is it this?

I would take out all the words in red and just go into describing your cousins, then talk about how their being different affected you or how you and your cousins saw past your differences.