Writing Feedback / Need help in evaluating my Analytical Writing. GRE [4]

Hi,
will you kindly evaluate the essay I have written?

Topic:
Governments should focus on solving the immediate problems of today rather than on trying to solve the anticipated problems of the future.

Response::
There are a myriad of problems plaguing humanity. However, humanity has always been able to solve such probelms
come out ahead. From my perspective, problems are like weeds. When one weed is uprooted and eradicated, another one simply sprouts up.
And simply uprooting weed after weed offers no permanent solutions to the weed probelm. Similarly, whenever we solve one problem, another
one simply sprouts up. As such, although governments should focus on fixing the problems of today, the metaphorical uprooting of the weed,
They should also try to fix anticipated problems of the future.

Let us consider the Environmental situation. In Europe, In the last decade, various forms of polluiton, river, air etc. have casued Flora
to decay and cause certain species of animals to go into near extinction. In order to combat the environmental problems, the European Union
Commissioned a Green tax, which made companies pay a singificant lump sum of cash for relaesing a certain volume of pollutatns into the atmosphere. AS

a further precaution, various research institutes were asked to come up with solutions to the environmental problems, which ultimately led to the
invention of the hybrid gas-electricity engine and the creation of filters which sequester solid pollutants from the gas released due to
manufacturing processes.These did contribute to the betterment of the environment. However, it led to the unanticipated rise in prices of certain
products and services, such as the rising prices of airline tickets, which caused smaller airline companies to go bankrupt. At the same time, due to rising

taxes (A significant portion of European families own a car), the standard of living of a number of families fell. If the Union had spent time

solving the price rise problem, the current condition of Europe would have been better now.

Another example can be taken from the great depression in the 1920s, when almost 70% of the world population lived below the poverty line. The great

depression rose from the US Governments imposition isolationism and the protection of local industries against foreign competition. Althogh the initial
problem was the protecting the local companies against foreign ones. Local companies were heavily subsidised were high import tariffs were imposed on
foreign products in the market. US companies enjoyed the protection of the government. However, when US companies overproduced on a large scale, the
market system crashed and comapnies went bankrupt, people went into unemployment, struggling very hard to earn two pennies a day. Therefore, this example
demonstrates the dangers of solely focusing on present problems without keeping check on what problems may arise in the future.

It is true that present problems require the attention of the government, it is also very important to maintain a balance between the problems of the

present and the problems that may arise in the future. At the end of the day, it is important to remember that a soltuion to a single problem does not

come in one step, whether it be science and technology, the law and the economy, and so on.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytical writing; Letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner [2]

Hi,
I wrote my first response to an "Analyze the Argument" question. Feel free to evaluate

Question:
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.

"Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

Response:
The author of the passage argues that the increasing number of skateboards of central plaza has led to a detrimental effect on
the number of customers shopping on central plaza. Although the author puts forward a possible reason for the
decreasing number of shoppers in central plaza, the reason put forward is supported by a number of assumptions which
have not been substantiated with proper evidence.

The author assumes that the increase in skateboarding in central plaza led to the decrease in business in central
plaza. But there may be other reasons why the number of shoppers have decreased. For example, the presence of new plazas.
The construction of new shopping malls and plazas in the area is bound to attract customers away from central plaza
because the location of new plazas may be more convenient for some people. Another reason can be attributed to the
price of commodities available in central plaza. Taxes may have gone up, or incomes may have decreased, which in turn
may have discouraged people from going shopping so often, and thus businesses may suffer.

Another assumption that the author of the passage makes is that it is the skateboarders who have been littering in
Central Plaza. The littering and vandalism can be attributed to other factors. For example, a lack of hygiene has
attracted more vermin or stray animals. Stray animals can overturn dust bins and trashcans and carry about thrown
away food which may lead to increased littering. At the same time, Vermin such a wood mites may bury into wooden objects
and mice may eat away cloth, thus leading to increased vandalism and littering.

Therefore, the author has based his demand on assumptions that the increased presence of skateboarders is at the
root of the problems he/she states. And unless the author can clearly prove that the Skateboarders themselves perform
actions that discourage the presence of customers, or that the increased vandalism and littering are traced back to
them, there is no ground which would justify the ban of skateboarding in central plaza.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Should student study the same National Curriculum ? [4]

Prompt:
"A nation should require all of its students to study
the same national curriculum until they enter college."

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the
policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take.
In developing and supporting your position, you should
consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy
and explain how these consequences shape your position.

Response:
If fairness is to be insured among people competing for anything,
it is absolutely important that everyone be given a fair ground
and an equal plane to compete on. This statement goes for any
kind of competition. And by extension, to the field of education
as well. As such, I support the fact that all students from a single
nation must study under a single curriculum until they enter college.

Let us consider the example of Bangladesh. In Bangladesh, A
majority of the student population studies under the national
curriculum set by the Educational board. However myriads of
students, paritcularly those from more affluent families study
under the British O and A level or the Iternational Baccalaurate
educational system. All three educational systems have their
own merits. However, problems do arise when students sit for
entrance exams for government universities, which are some of the
best in the country. The syllabus for the entrance exam is heavily
based on the syllabus of the national curriculum. And consquently,
students who do not study under the national curriculum suffer
a disadvantage. Such students are required to study the entire
national curricullum syllabus in short periods of time in
order to be familiar with the exam content. Similar problems occur
in other countries such as india where various students study under
a multitude of systems.This example makes a strong point as to why a single national
curricula is needed in order to ensure fairness in competitive
exams. By enacting a law that requires all students to study under a
single curricula, all students will have a level ground to compete upon
and have. Thus ensuring not only fairness but increases chances of universites
accepting the most desrving students.

Let us consider the exmaple of the US educational system. Almost
the entire student population studies under a unified system.
More affulent students study in private schools which have a
similar curriculum. Given the similarities in the curricula, and
the fact that all college applicants are required to give the SAT
in order apply for college. The reader can clearly see that all
students are compete from a level ground and their is no intrisnic
educational advantage or disadvantage in applying to schools. As
such, colleges can make choose the most suitable and deserving
candidates from an applicant pool and no university has voiced out any
form of dissappointment or diatribe about being unhappy about the
general characteristics of the student popultion. This example
provides another strong case as to how a singular educational curriculum
is beneficial.

It is simple, the best people can be accepted from a sea of paperwork
only and only if everyone is given equal footing. from the two given examples,
and a plethora of other available examples available, it is hard to conceive why
a single educational curriculum is not needed.

Writing Feedback / GRE: Analyze an arguement; Wearing a helmet while bicycling [4]

Prompt:
"A ten-year nationwide study of the effectiveness of wearing a helmet
while bicycling indicates that ten years ago, approximately 35 percent of all
bicyclists reported wearing helmets, whereas today that number is nearly 80
percent. Another study, however, suggests that during the same ten-year period,
the number of bicycle-related accidents has increased 200 percent. These results
demonstrate that bicyclists feel safer because they are wearing helmets, and
they take more risks as a result. Thus, to reduce the number of serious
injuries from bicycle accidents, the government should concentrate more
on educating people about bicycle safety and less on encouraging or requiring
bicyclists to wear helmets."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions
of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these
assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions
prove unwarranted.

Response:
The writer argues that the government should put more emphasis on educating
cyclists about bicycle safety rather than abouyt educating them on wearing prop
-er gear. In this arguement, the writer assumes that accidents are less likely
to occur if cyclists are more aware about cycling dangers and that education
on cycling gear has no effect in the reduction of bicyle related accidents.

The assumption is a supporting column for the writers arguement, however
the this support lacks details. The writer has not pointed out what exactly
caused the increased number of accidents. The increased
number of accidents can occur due to a multitude of reasons. For example, the
increased number of accidents can occur due to lack of general road safety. Car
, bus or other four-wheel transport drivers may not have been driving safely
or may not be following the law while driving, which can lead to an increased
number of acciednts. Another reason could be the lack of proper cycling lanes.
This may force cyclists to use footpaths or the main road and thus increase
the possiblity of an accident occuring. Given the lack of details, it can
be understood that the cyclists may already be adequately educated about
safety and that the increased number of accidents are occurring due to
other reasons.

Regarding the assumption about helmets, the writer has not pointed out how
proper gear does not lead to the reduction of the possiblity of accidents. Proper
gear significantly reduces the chances of grave and fatal injuries in the
event of what can be serious accidents. For example, if one properly geared cyclist
falls onto the pavement headfirst due to colliding with some unseen obstacle
he is much less likely to suffer from a serious concussion than a person who
does not wear a helmet. The previous case provides a valid statement as to
how helmets can reduce accidents.

The author may have a valid point. But, given the lack of details and the
weak bases upon which the writer supports his argument, it would not be wise
to implement his idea without carrying out a more detailed study of the issue
first.

Writing Feedback / Nations should pass laws in order to preserve nature; GRE/ Analyze an issue [6]

Prompt:
"Nations should pass laws to preserve any remaining wilderness areas in their
natural state."

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree
with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address
the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your
position.

Response:
It is understood that eradication of wilderness, for example: deforestation or
hunting of animals can sometimes be the inevitable by product of developmet of
a nation. However, given the recent situation of the climate, and nature in general,
I agree with the statement Nations should pass laws in order to preserve any remaining
wilderness in their natural state.

A reader may ask, Why? There are several answers. First and foremost, the
existence of rare and nearly extinct species. Whenever trees are cut down in
order to provide lumber or fuel, or when people hunt too much for food or sport
countless animal and mammal species can be killed or driven away. Because there
is no ecosystem to derive its food from, or there are no living spaces for such
species. There have been several instances where man-made factors have led to
extensive outward migration or extinction of species. For example, when Poachers
well allowed to hunt freely in the savannah which led to the severe depletion of
tiger population in Africa.

The second reason is that by not protecting wilderness, companies and other similar
entities may be tempted clear out an entire forest. Now, people may argue that
the space is needed to build industries and homes for exapnding population. The
Rebuttal to this arguement is that The disadvantages far outweigh the advantages
in this case. If trees were cleared out, the roots of the trees which are left over
would no longer hold the soil together. Near riverlands, soil may be washed away
by the river and be contaminated, or the deposition of soil at the riverbanks
may cause floods, as is the case in India. On hillsides and mountains, the
lack of trees may cause landslidesand avalanches. On the other hand,
building infrasturcture upon cleared out lands may lead to more man made
pollution. Which would not only harm wildlife but also us humans as well.

And my third point is: Wilderness areas can provide a huge source of tourism revenue.
Certain countries, especially countries in asia, rely on the revenue generated
by wildlife tourism to run economies. Now, clearing out such area could possibly
reduce such revenue on a considerable scale. Now, it can be argued that the
development that follows may cover and exceed tourism revenues. The answer to this is,
There is no guarantee that the development would guarantee the cover-up of such
lossess, and thus there would be no such problems. The ability of the development
may be affected by various factors.

Therefore, and considering both sides of the arguement, I believe that state laws
should enact laws that protect the wilderness. As I have shown with the aforementioned
arguements, nations would, quite certainly, benefit from the protection of the
wilderness.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Surest indicator of a Great Nation [7]

Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation must be the achievements of its
rulers, artists, or scientists.

Reason: Great achievements by a nation's rulers, artists, or scientists will
ensure a good life for the majority of that nation's people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or
disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

It is true that the greatness of a nation can be measured by the achievement of
its leaders, artists and painters. However, this statement is not true in a number
of cases. There are other indicators of the greatness of a nation, for example the economy,
or the condition of the population.

Let us consider the the claim. It is true that the achievements of a leader, or
an artist or a scientist can make a nation great. In fact, some of the greatest
nations on earth, for example Japan or America or France. Such nations do boast
a good number of Nobel Laureates, Artists who have been recognazied and remembered
for decades, sometimes centuries. Some of the greatest leaders in history have
established laws, or established sets of laws, which form the basis of modern laws
in nations, or have inspired great ideoligies among countless people.

Now let us turn to why such achievements are not the only indicators of greatness.
The state or condition of the general population is a factor that can affect how
a nation is perceived. For example, the literacy rate of a nation or the living
standards of families. A nation can boast a huge number of achievements of
prominent people. But it is wrong to simply assume that the literacy rate or
living standards of people is in direct proportion with the number of achievements.
. There may be a huge rcognition for prominent people, but the population may not be very well off, and hance that nation cannot be considered grate.For example, let us consider India. India does boast a number of Prize winners in

various science competitions, and a Nobel laureate in literature. India had great leaders like Gandhi and Nehru. Yet 268 million
people in India live without elelctricity and only 21 million people live in developed cities.
developed cities. Given this possibilty, the claim is weakened.

On to the second point. The state of the economy is a huge factor in determining
the greatness of a nation. A nation may not boast a large number of overachievers
but yet may have a strong economy and prosperous tranqulity. Let us consider china.
While the Chinese Communist Party is somewhat less than respectable, and the fact that there may not be as many recognized people as compared to Europe or America, China has the second

largest economy in the world (China Jostled Japan to 3rd place some time ago).
This is due to the fact that the Chinese population in general is very industrious. This in
turn allowed China to turn from nothing into a nation to be recknoed with, within a two decades after
some inital impetus.

Considering the two arguements, the reader may be able to understand that althought the
achievements of leaders, artist and scientists may indicate how great a nation is. Achievements
are not the only factor determining how great or prosperous a nation is. There are other factors
beyond the number of achievements, and all factors of a nation must be considered in order to truly determine whether
a nation is great or not.

P.S jkjeremy if you're reading this, I hope it is a slight improvement compared to my previous writings.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze an argument; Child-rearing traditions in Tertia [6]

The following appeared in an article written by Dr. Karp, an anthropologist.

"Twenty years ago, Dr. Field, a noted anthropologist, visited the island of Tertia and
concluded from his observations that children in Tertia were reared by an entire village
rather than by their own biological parents. However, my recent interviews with children
living in the group of islands that includes Tertia show that these children spend much more
time talking about their biological parents than about other adults in the village. This
research of mine proves that Dr. Field's conclusion about Tertian village culture is invalid
and thus that the observation-centered approach to studying cultures is invalid as well. The
interview-centered method that my team of graduate students is currently using in Tertia will
establish a much more accurate understanding of child-rearing traditions there and in other
island cultures."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the
argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

In the arguement, Dr. Karp argues that Dr.Field's research and the method of observation research are both invalid. This argument is based on the premise that during one of Dr. Karp's interviews, the children spent more time talking about their biological parents, and it is this single statement that acts as the foundation for Dr. Karp's arguments and conclusions and it is this point that matters in the entire argument.

Now, Dr. Karp's argument may be valid and his conclusions logical. However, what the given argument lacks is the details of his analysis, and in particular the minutinae of the conversation he or his graduate students may have had with the children of Tertia. In fact, it is the details of this conversation that would reveal as to whether Dr. Karp is right or wrong. Dr. Karp's argument may have been strengthened if he mentioned that most of the conversation was about how the children were brought up. However, since the argument does not have the slightest inkling of the nature of the discourse students had with the native children, the conversation could have been about anything. It could have been about who each children live with, or it could be anything not pertinent to being brought up. If such is the case, Then the conversation and interview approach simply fails in extracting the relevant data and information.

If the interview-centered approach involves talking mostly about things other than how the children were brought up, then the single column supporting Dr. Karp's entire arguemnt simply becomes non-existence. If this is so, then the claim made about the invalidity of the original study is a complete farce and the assertion the the interview-apporach is superior remains uncorroborated.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze Issue;Best way to teach- praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [7]

Prompt:
"The best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones"

Response:
Teaching is much more than the mere repetition or paraphrasing of known facts.
A proper way to teach is to make a student, or student, body interested in whatever is being taught. To teach properly is to make the learning process memorable. Now, I agree that the best way to teach is to praise positive actions. However, Negative actions cannot simply be ignored. Rather the source of the proverbial weed must be identified and rooted quickly.

Let us discuss why it is important to praise positive actions. First, praising positive action of a student (or students) points out what should be done in a class. Repeated praises for such actions, can often lead to other students picking up that habit and Such positive actions help maintain the flow of the teaching and learning process. Some actions, may reinforce important points and augment the teaching process. Given the cumulative effect of these three outcomes, an environment can be conducine for learning. Let us take a common action which occurs during teaching: Questions. Questions and answers are an important way of reinforcing and summarizing important points. Any student who asks pertinent questions should be praised, so that some points are repeated in the answer. Also, the habit of questioning may spread quickly to other people, resulting in an increasing freuqency of questioning and may even cause a mutual classroom discussion, a most effective way to learn.

Now onto negative actions. Simply ignoring negative actions is not the key to diminishing their effects. Why? If a negative action is simply ignored and nothing else is done about it, the root of negative actions may pervade the environment. If this happens, a negative action may be repeated over and over again, with increasing frequency. This may disrupt the flow of the teaching process. Secondly, Other people may pick it up quickly and the negative action may have a worse effect. If not dealt with celerity, and entire 'class' can become completely degenerate and uncontrollable. Therefore, as I have explained, the mere existence of negative actions may cause very little to be conveyed and the entire process will become a fiasco. For example, in the 8th grade, some students used to misbehave during Language Classes. Intitially, the teahcer chose to overlook the mischief caused by some of the rowdier students. However, chatting and small time affrontery qucikly developed into clamorous actions: Stomping on the floor, throwing pens and sharp objects, and the like. And the teacher was simply unable to stop such catastrophe at any time.

Instead of ignoring wanton actions, such actions must be panned and the root of it all qucikly taken care of. This will ensure that nothing bad happens.

Therefore, in conlcusion, I only agree with the first half of the recommendation. Good actions must be praised in order to create a more conduvine learning and teaching environment and bad actions must be taken care of quickly in order to prevent future uproars.

Writing Feedback / Bearing arms and violence in a country - GRE Analyze an issue [2]

"The right to bear arms is not the direct cause of the level of violence in a country."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the previous statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement may or may not hold true and explain how those considerations shape your position.

Given a number of considerable mass-murders and shootouts, or crime in general, such as the Virginia Tech Shootout in 2002, Or the Norway mass murders or the Connecticut school shootout;

one may be inclined to think that there is a correlation between the availability of arms and the legal allowance to bear arms, and the level of violence in a country or a region. I believe This is

partially true, and I believe that he root cause of violence is not arms bearing.

One may argue about the validity of the relationship between violence levels and the allowance of bearing arms: citizens in a country can be allowed to bear arms for a number of reasons:

self-defense, hunting, etc. However, it should be pointed out that one is allowed to bear arms only for speicific reasons, and reasons which bring no harm (at least directly). However, if such

rights go unchecked and and proper meausres are not taken as to who should be allowed to carry a gun or any other weapon, it is inevitable that dangerous objects can occassionally fall in

the hands of wrong people, or lunatics who have no proper sense as to who to use an arm on. This may in turn lead to the aforementioned tragic events, and thus may increased violence levels.

However, it should be noted that such tragic events(i.e. mass shootouts) are few and far between. And also, it should be noted that people who cause such tragedy are not normal, mentally healthy

people. No, if one keeps up with the news, it is frequently revealed that such people usually have some unjustified vendetta against a particular group, or were not mentally sound, but rather had a

distorted view of their surroundings. Or let us consider the occassional shootout. Deaths happen beacuse of the usage of guns. However, the problem goes beyond the availability of guns.

Crime can be commonplace due to a number of reasons: Lack of education, a failing economy, an established organisation that committs illegal acts on a frequenct basis, etc. And therefore, the

right to bear arms pays a somewhat cursory role in violence levels. Let us consider the US, for example. The law allows people to bear arms in self defence. Despite that crime levels are significantly

low in more propserous cities or regions, and people do not usually bear arms. On the other hand, if we consider some less affluent cities, which has one of the worst crime levels in the nation, Detroit does suffer from

a number of gang wars, poor economy and a poor educational system.

Therefore, in consideration of the arguement made, the prompt made is somewhat correct, guns lead to more violence. However, the right to bear arms is not a direct cause of violence but rather a somewhat indirect cause of violence in a nation.

ps jkjeremy, you can contact me at dragonquest_1993@hotmail.com

Writing Feedback / GRE - 'Correlation between monitoring and productivity of the employees' [6]

"In the six months that I have been watching the employees, their productivity has increased by over 12 percent. Therefore, my recommendation is that the employees either be watched by, or think that they are watched by, an outside evaluator at all times from this point on."

Discuss the merits of the preceding argument. Analyze the evidence used as well as the general reasoning. Present points that would strengthen the argument or make it more compelling.

In the given argument, the author mentions that he/she has monitored the employees, and the productivity of the employees has increased over a period of time. And the author argues that the employees should be moitored, or at least make the employees think they are monitored in order to increase or maintain productivity.

The authors arguement, and his assumption(s) may be right. From the given arguement, it can be surmised that the author assumes the productivity of the employees has increased simply beacuse they were being monitored, and hence may under some duress work harder. This can be true in certain conditions. For example, the company or organisation may be laying off employees for some reason, like a declining economy, or the replacement of workers with machinery or some other (possibly cheaper) alternative. If such were the case, then it is possible that most workers may be more assiduous in their assigned tasks, from hopes that they will be noticed by the administration and not be laid off instead of someone else. And the authors argument would definitely be strenghthened.

However, since no details are mentioned about the organisation or the firm, any factor can eventuate increased productivity. One factor can be better or improved technology, which in turn may allow workers to complete more work per time and hence improve productivity. Another factor may be that the organsiation has announced increased remuneration or benefits for industrious people. This in turn may have motivated the workers, leading to increased productivity. If these factors are true, it would undermine the author's reasoning and arguement.

Hence, it is understood that the author may be right. But without any details, in cannot be fully judged as to whether the authors arguement is vaild or not

ps jkjeremy I've revised some of my previous analysis, hope this essay is a step forward
dumi, I'm not sure whether you've read my "Analyze an Argument" responses before, but I hope this lives up to your standards.