Linh Dieu
Apr 28, 2019
Writing Feedback / The immigrants should whether form their community or adopt the new local culture [3]
@Maria thank you so much for worth advices
@Maria thank you so much for worth advices
Linh Dieu
Apr 27, 2019
Writing Feedback / The immigrants should whether form their community or adopt the new local culture [3]
Some people argue that immigrants should adopt the local culture when immigrating to a new country. An alternative view is that they can adapt to a new environment by establishing a minority community. Discuss these two views and give your opinion.
The globalized trend is broadening larger than ever in the world leading to the stream of immigrants from many countries to developed ones with the aim of changing their lives. With the new environment, whether they need to engage in local lifestyles or they need to form their belonged-culture community to maintain the traditions. My essay below will discuss both views and give my own opinion after that.
On the one hand, when immigrants immigrate to a new country, the characteristic of the new culture, new people and new lifestyle need to be learned. Firstly, the immigrants are the minority as opposed to a large number of natives so that they have to acquire these to be accepted and live in harmony with others. For example, you are Vietnamese and you immigrate to the US without learning about their language and lifestyle, you can not build up the relationship, have they help you in emergencies or aid you to associate with the new environment. Secondly, it is not only weird and inconvenient but also disadvantageous to apply your local rules or behaviors to access or tackle problems in a new place, because of both reasons: the awkward eyes of people peering at you and the positive effects of your solutions harnessed to new rising affairs. For instance, you are an Eastern person immigrating to a Western country and imagine you are having a meal with a Western family: you can not use chopsticks to pick up foods as its absence in Western meals and their non-use chopsticks eating. If you use knives and forks instead, you will have meals more normally and make people have a good sympathy with you.
On the other hand, the national character needs preserving when citizen leaves their countries. Firstly, they find other countries which have more job and high living standard to promote their lives but changing their ethnic minorities or nations. If they do contrastingly, they betray their nations and refuse their roots. Otherwise, when immigrants form an ethnic group or traditional-preserved community, they can find people who share the same language and cultural habits. The daily activities happen normally and easily with least burdens deterred from the new nation. Nevertheless, these communities which less affected by foreign lifestyle will be left behind and have fewer opportunities to catch up and compete with next door developed communities.
The changing of places we live will affect us at both advantageous and disadvantageous extents, so the best way to be updated with new chances and cautious with colonized tension is to form a community with the purpose of helping people who do not accustom with a foreign culture and create the associated environment to push one closer other.
Please help me check out the grammar, the vocabulary and the structure of this essay in academic view and judges. Thank you for your worth time spending to read my essay !
Some people argue that immigrants should adopt the local culture when immigrating to a new country. An alternative view is that they can adapt to a new environment by establishing a minority community. Discuss these two views and give your opinion.
Should Immigration Require Assimilation?
The globalized trend is broadening larger than ever in the world leading to the stream of immigrants from many countries to developed ones with the aim of changing their lives. With the new environment, whether they need to engage in local lifestyles or they need to form their belonged-culture community to maintain the traditions. My essay below will discuss both views and give my own opinion after that.
On the one hand, when immigrants immigrate to a new country, the characteristic of the new culture, new people and new lifestyle need to be learned. Firstly, the immigrants are the minority as opposed to a large number of natives so that they have to acquire these to be accepted and live in harmony with others. For example, you are Vietnamese and you immigrate to the US without learning about their language and lifestyle, you can not build up the relationship, have they help you in emergencies or aid you to associate with the new environment. Secondly, it is not only weird and inconvenient but also disadvantageous to apply your local rules or behaviors to access or tackle problems in a new place, because of both reasons: the awkward eyes of people peering at you and the positive effects of your solutions harnessed to new rising affairs. For instance, you are an Eastern person immigrating to a Western country and imagine you are having a meal with a Western family: you can not use chopsticks to pick up foods as its absence in Western meals and their non-use chopsticks eating. If you use knives and forks instead, you will have meals more normally and make people have a good sympathy with you.
On the other hand, the national character needs preserving when citizen leaves their countries. Firstly, they find other countries which have more job and high living standard to promote their lives but changing their ethnic minorities or nations. If they do contrastingly, they betray their nations and refuse their roots. Otherwise, when immigrants form an ethnic group or traditional-preserved community, they can find people who share the same language and cultural habits. The daily activities happen normally and easily with least burdens deterred from the new nation. Nevertheless, these communities which less affected by foreign lifestyle will be left behind and have fewer opportunities to catch up and compete with next door developed communities.
The changing of places we live will affect us at both advantageous and disadvantageous extents, so the best way to be updated with new chances and cautious with colonized tension is to form a community with the purpose of helping people who do not accustom with a foreign culture and create the associated environment to push one closer other.
Please help me check out the grammar, the vocabulary and the structure of this essay in academic view and judges. Thank you for your worth time spending to read my essay !
Linh Dieu
Apr 27, 2019
Scholarship / My curiosity about machines. Supporting statement for Australia Award scholarship 2020 [5]
Your essay's content is quite sufficient and informative but you should set up again your structure with an academic writing style. You should divide it into 3 part: introduction about your intention of applying for this course, content, and conclusion separately
Second, you need to correct these mistakes:
Their lack of knowledge leading to unproductive outcomes
I finished my degree ... machine =>... to satisfy my curiosity of machine
Hope that helps.
Your essay's content is quite sufficient and informative but you should set up again your structure with an academic writing style. You should divide it into 3 part: introduction about your intention of applying for this course, content, and conclusion separately
Second, you need to correct these mistakes:
Their lack of knowledge leading to unproductive outcomes
I finished my degree ... machine =>... to satisfy my curiosity of machine
Hope that helps.
Linh Dieu
Apr 27, 2019
Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph about your accomlishment you have had [3]
I think firstly you must revise your grammar and usage of words making people get wrong when they reading your mini-essay:
I neither make friend ... class nor talk to them
I was in the first class => I ranked the first in my class
...
And another problem is your content of the essay: your accomplishment isn't described in detail with more information like: how did you try to get this award, what burdens did deter you throughout your process and how worth it is to your life etc
Do better next time
I think firstly you must revise your grammar and usage of words making people get wrong when they reading your mini-essay:
I neither make friend ... class nor talk to them
I was in the first class => I ranked the first in my class
...
And another problem is your content of the essay: your accomplishment isn't described in detail with more information like: how did you try to get this award, what burdens did deter you throughout your process and how worth it is to your life etc
Do better next time
Linh Dieu
Oct 26, 2018
Scholarship / BANNING OR NOT WITH THE PERPETRATION OF PEOPLES' PRIVATE INFORMATION BY PUBLISHING THEIR STORIES [3]
Hoping of receiving some devoted comments to make my essay become convinced. Thank you for concerning.
Nowadays, a lot of media, including newspapers, magazines, televisions, radio, and even the Internet, are publishing stories of people private lives. Should this practice be banned?
The infringement of human rights has raised controversial disputes in the world, and one of them is the actuality of people's private rights. The media's tendency to reveal an individual's life in newspapers, magazines, televisions, radio and the Internet have kindled people's objections to being badly influenced. In my opinion, this trend needs banning by both personal and legal reasons.
Firstly, if the private lives or even sensitive facts of journalists, celebrities or speakers who rashly proclaim others' secret be peered into, what will they feel? Evidently, everyone has their own private stories which are forbidden to others' intervention. These affect their emotions, psychologies, failure, weakness and even life orientations. As a result, they can easily lose their temper and act uncontrollably, even suddenly destroy themselves because of fear and outside preconceptions. In perpetrators' view, it can not be speculative that these unlegalized behaviors help people gain popularity in public because their impulses are not rooted from positive intention but satisfy themselves upon others' important issues. Moreover, they concern much about view ration instead of the accuracy of information transmitted and victims' acquiescence. In any interactive relationship, if the consensus is ignored and the inevitable consequences are not directly pointed out, it is immoral for people's private information to be exposed.
Secondly, in the legal view, it is completely undue to publicize people's information of their own lives regardless of any warrant. Everyone merit private rights in whatever form like letters, personal information, the current state of relationships and political concepts or views,... which are ruled in any constitution. "Private lives" is a phrase manifesting about sensitive stories of people, which shouldn't be approached without their permission, so the revealed posts in the media justify the violation of the law. Based on this, the executive bodies must be compelled to control severely this tumultuous state and secure their citizens' security as well as quell the blackmail and other unwished circumstances.
In conclusion, any practice consistently linking with peoples' private rights need being legally bound and compactly consult with people of that information. If the rules cannot be complied, a stern ban must be put.
Hoping of receiving some devoted comments to make my essay become convinced. Thank you for concerning.
Nowadays, a lot of media, including newspapers, magazines, televisions, radio, and even the Internet, are publishing stories of people private lives. Should this practice be banned?
people's private rights and media
The infringement of human rights has raised controversial disputes in the world, and one of them is the actuality of people's private rights. The media's tendency to reveal an individual's life in newspapers, magazines, televisions, radio and the Internet have kindled people's objections to being badly influenced. In my opinion, this trend needs banning by both personal and legal reasons.
Firstly, if the private lives or even sensitive facts of journalists, celebrities or speakers who rashly proclaim others' secret be peered into, what will they feel? Evidently, everyone has their own private stories which are forbidden to others' intervention. These affect their emotions, psychologies, failure, weakness and even life orientations. As a result, they can easily lose their temper and act uncontrollably, even suddenly destroy themselves because of fear and outside preconceptions. In perpetrators' view, it can not be speculative that these unlegalized behaviors help people gain popularity in public because their impulses are not rooted from positive intention but satisfy themselves upon others' important issues. Moreover, they concern much about view ration instead of the accuracy of information transmitted and victims' acquiescence. In any interactive relationship, if the consensus is ignored and the inevitable consequences are not directly pointed out, it is immoral for people's private information to be exposed.
Secondly, in the legal view, it is completely undue to publicize people's information of their own lives regardless of any warrant. Everyone merit private rights in whatever form like letters, personal information, the current state of relationships and political concepts or views,... which are ruled in any constitution. "Private lives" is a phrase manifesting about sensitive stories of people, which shouldn't be approached without their permission, so the revealed posts in the media justify the violation of the law. Based on this, the executive bodies must be compelled to control severely this tumultuous state and secure their citizens' security as well as quell the blackmail and other unwished circumstances.
In conclusion, any practice consistently linking with peoples' private rights need being legally bound and compactly consult with people of that information. If the rules cannot be complied, a stern ban must be put.
Linh Dieu
Oct 26, 2018
Scholarship / ENDEAVOUR LEADERSHIP PROGRAM - Development of individual's knowledge and expertise. [3]
You've done a prospected application to the scholarship with range information and your belief to acquire skills and extend yourself.
But I think that your essay is quite lean to the same tone of praising and promising. You can either denote some of your detriments and then point out the solutions based on your theory. You can close your dynamic impulse to reality by stating some real problem and solve them to make your essay more convinced.
Hope it brings benefit.
You've done a prospected application to the scholarship with range information and your belief to acquire skills and extend yourself.
But I think that your essay is quite lean to the same tone of praising and promising. You can either denote some of your detriments and then point out the solutions based on your theory. You can close your dynamic impulse to reality by stating some real problem and solve them to make your essay more convinced.
Hope it brings benefit.
Linh Dieu
Sep 8, 2018
Writing Feedback / APPLICATION FOR THE MOOT CLUB - THE BANNING OF WEARING HIJAB IN EUROPE COUNTRIES [2]
Please give me some advice on this essay submitting to a moot club. Thank you all
The hijab, a veil worn by Muslim women, is a religious and cultural element of Islam. However, some Europe countries have banned on wearing face veil, including hijab, in public places. This has caused a controversy about violation of human right or freedom of religion in particular. What is your opinion about this issue
The infringement of religious freedom has provoked acid controversies among nations. Hijab considered as the specific-partition clothing of Muslim women has been banned strictly in Europe countries. To my mind, this decree actually trespasses the human right of religion to a remarkable degree.
In the theoretical view, this banning does not conform to religious freedom law, which is commonly known as one of the most fundamental human rights. Deeply, it relates directly to individual actions that government's permission even with nations having state religion to treat equally with all type of belief depending on personal religion wishes. In practice, some countries have enforced policies to the foreign belief including punitive taxation and limits in practicing belief outwardly in a public manner. On the one hand, it is true that different religions will display in varied forms and we must control their influences on citizens by law. But more importantly, these signs need classifying whether they are detrimental or inoffensive. On the other hand, the hijab is a type of women's clothing so it superficially harmless other than its manifested function of Muslim women's seclusion from men in the public sphere. Hijab is the symbolic expression of the modest-style fashion and social status rather than a fuse to terrorism.
France, the first Europe country banning the full-face veil in public spaces has shown the contrary. It passed a law banning symbols or clothes through which students conspicuously display their religious affiliation in schools, which harshly smashes both student's freedom of religion and perception. Due to one student's developed phase, he must know about religious symbols beside his national belief and aware of his liberal rights of religion as well as handicap decree-law.
In the victims' viewpoint, there are two objects affected adversely. The majority is women who are delicate and have frail-suffering abilities. This banning has put unofficial pressure on those wearing hijab including physical attacks. Consequently, some women stop wearing it out of fear or out of religious conviction for self-protection. Moreover, their legal rights have been infringed as women's belief displays are considered as an open society. Futhermore, Europe's banning decree will constrain their citizens' culture-exchanging opportunities and religious freedom, which can easily trigger more domestic demonstrations.
In conclusion, a religion-protecting strategy should be applied as opposed to an anti-diverse culture policy to reduce ethnic conflicts among nations. This method with educated orientation will reduce assimilation in a better way without raising more controversial problems.
wearing face veil is forbidden in some parts of europe
Please give me some advice on this essay submitting to a moot club. Thank you all
The hijab, a veil worn by Muslim women, is a religious and cultural element of Islam. However, some Europe countries have banned on wearing face veil, including hijab, in public places. This has caused a controversy about violation of human right or freedom of religion in particular. What is your opinion about this issue
The infringement of religious freedom has provoked acid controversies among nations. Hijab considered as the specific-partition clothing of Muslim women has been banned strictly in Europe countries. To my mind, this decree actually trespasses the human right of religion to a remarkable degree.
In the theoretical view, this banning does not conform to religious freedom law, which is commonly known as one of the most fundamental human rights. Deeply, it relates directly to individual actions that government's permission even with nations having state religion to treat equally with all type of belief depending on personal religion wishes. In practice, some countries have enforced policies to the foreign belief including punitive taxation and limits in practicing belief outwardly in a public manner. On the one hand, it is true that different religions will display in varied forms and we must control their influences on citizens by law. But more importantly, these signs need classifying whether they are detrimental or inoffensive. On the other hand, the hijab is a type of women's clothing so it superficially harmless other than its manifested function of Muslim women's seclusion from men in the public sphere. Hijab is the symbolic expression of the modest-style fashion and social status rather than a fuse to terrorism.
France, the first Europe country banning the full-face veil in public spaces has shown the contrary. It passed a law banning symbols or clothes through which students conspicuously display their religious affiliation in schools, which harshly smashes both student's freedom of religion and perception. Due to one student's developed phase, he must know about religious symbols beside his national belief and aware of his liberal rights of religion as well as handicap decree-law.
In the victims' viewpoint, there are two objects affected adversely. The majority is women who are delicate and have frail-suffering abilities. This banning has put unofficial pressure on those wearing hijab including physical attacks. Consequently, some women stop wearing it out of fear or out of religious conviction for self-protection. Moreover, their legal rights have been infringed as women's belief displays are considered as an open society. Futhermore, Europe's banning decree will constrain their citizens' culture-exchanging opportunities and religious freedom, which can easily trigger more domestic demonstrations.
In conclusion, a religion-protecting strategy should be applied as opposed to an anti-diverse culture policy to reduce ethnic conflicts among nations. This method with educated orientation will reduce assimilation in a better way without raising more controversial problems.
Linh Dieu
Aug 30, 2018
Writing Feedback / Some people think that the government should be responsible for solving the increasing pollution [3]
Hi
I think almost all your paragraphs are tending to show how government and citizens should do to reduce heavy traffic impacts but it is totally doesn't take topic response. You are required to explain the government should be responsible for solving the increasing pollution problems which result from heavy traffic but I can't notice any explanation from you other than your own measures. You shall state several ones like:
- The government must take crucial responsibilities as its central role to control all country's progress
- The transportation system in both management methods and distinct supervisions are distributed to cities and areas by government's order
Otherwise, it will definitely make you lose your TA mark to an alarming extent. By the way, some grammar mistakes need correcting.
Hope that helps.
Hi
I think almost all your paragraphs are tending to show how government and citizens should do to reduce heavy traffic impacts but it is totally doesn't take topic response. You are required to explain the government should be responsible for solving the increasing pollution problems which result from heavy traffic but I can't notice any explanation from you other than your own measures. You shall state several ones like:
- The government must take crucial responsibilities as its central role to control all country's progress
- The transportation system in both management methods and distinct supervisions are distributed to cities and areas by government's order
Otherwise, it will definitely make you lose your TA mark to an alarming extent. By the way, some grammar mistakes need correcting.
Hope that helps.
Linh Dieu
Aug 30, 2018
Writing Feedback / People should spend their money on lessons which help them to maintain in healthy condition [3]
I think the paragraph talking about health education is lean to traditional cures than it shall be, and you also state it in your next para "nature cures"?. You should say about some methods and lessons' content of health education and make it clear by stating some advantages of these supporting your choice. Because I can't understand from this paragraph so I simultaneously don't make sense of the next ones, which mean you can not take topic's response in a deep way and your TA score will be influenced.
Hope that helps.
I think the paragraph talking about health education is lean to traditional cures than it shall be, and you also state it in your next para "nature cures"?. You should say about some methods and lessons' content of health education and make it clear by stating some advantages of these supporting your choice. Because I can't understand from this paragraph so I simultaneously don't make sense of the next ones, which mean you can not take topic's response in a deep way and your TA score will be influenced.
Hope that helps.
Linh Dieu
Aug 27, 2018
Writing Feedback / TASK 2: CURRENT PROBLEMS OF OVERUSED CARS AND WHETHER CARS SHOULD BE OPPOSED [3]
Would you give me a score for this essay? Thank you all.
What are those problems, should we discourage people to use cars?
The popular trend of using modern vehicles in recent decades has triggered a lot of controversial questions in public about car emission damage and whether we should oppose this tendency. My essay below will indicate problems stated above, but it not means that they are too hazardous to prevent people taking advantages of cars.
On the one hand, it cannot be denied that air pollution is one of the most remarkable concerns of our contaminated environment, which is set off by modern engine's exhaust. Cars emit greenhouse gas and carbon dioxide which increase the risk of air pollution and global warming. Besides, cars' exhaust can easily impregnate people's respiratory systems, impair their health and cause breath-and-lung-related diseases.
Futhermore, the unrestricted consumption of cars is equivalent to noise pollution. Especially who live nearby central cities like New York, London, etc will always be bothered by horn and traffic jam noise which do harms to people's daily activities and their spirits. For instance, if your house or your office closing to a crowded road, all the times you must stand the unwanted noise in both working and leisure times but can not do anything to stop this.
On the other hand, the more modern world becomes, the more faster-demanded transportation appears. Human's life circles make them find less convenient and slower when moving by public means. It is impossible to seek out a unique service suiting everyone's demands and matching their needs in all kind of urgencies like travels, meetings and medical examinations. It is worth noting that using cars is a person's deserved right to enjoy a self-serving life accordingly any prevention decree on possessing modern vehicles can trigger more controversial responses.
Viewed from different sides, multiple problems in both air and noise pollutions are stem from the overused utilization of cars, but the precise method to alleviate them is not as strict as the one mentioned. In lieu of that, we can either increase taxes on cars which do not comply with the rule of standard
Would you give me a score for this essay? Thank you all.
The unlimited use of cars may cause many problems.
What are those problems, should we discourage people to use cars?
The popular trend of using modern vehicles in recent decades has triggered a lot of controversial questions in public about car emission damage and whether we should oppose this tendency. My essay below will indicate problems stated above, but it not means that they are too hazardous to prevent people taking advantages of cars.
On the one hand, it cannot be denied that air pollution is one of the most remarkable concerns of our contaminated environment, which is set off by modern engine's exhaust. Cars emit greenhouse gas and carbon dioxide which increase the risk of air pollution and global warming. Besides, cars' exhaust can easily impregnate people's respiratory systems, impair their health and cause breath-and-lung-related diseases.
Futhermore, the unrestricted consumption of cars is equivalent to noise pollution. Especially who live nearby central cities like New York, London, etc will always be bothered by horn and traffic jam noise which do harms to people's daily activities and their spirits. For instance, if your house or your office closing to a crowded road, all the times you must stand the unwanted noise in both working and leisure times but can not do anything to stop this.
On the other hand, the more modern world becomes, the more faster-demanded transportation appears. Human's life circles make them find less convenient and slower when moving by public means. It is impossible to seek out a unique service suiting everyone's demands and matching their needs in all kind of urgencies like travels, meetings and medical examinations. It is worth noting that using cars is a person's deserved right to enjoy a self-serving life accordingly any prevention decree on possessing modern vehicles can trigger more controversial responses.
Viewed from different sides, multiple problems in both air and noise pollutions are stem from the overused utilization of cars, but the precise method to alleviate them is not as strict as the one mentioned. In lieu of that, we can either increase taxes on cars which do not comply with the rule of standard
Linh Dieu
Aug 26, 2018
Writing Feedback / Raising the number of sports activities - the most efficient solution to boost the public health? [4]
I think your paraphrasing introduction and conclusion are too short to convey meaning and intention. You can either add some brief explanations or use alternative phrases to lengthen your sentences, which will bring you lexical mark.
Some mistakes I detected:
particularly positive effects
which decreases
And you need to explain this to some extent but just state it more some work-out is necessary for the public to have a better health.
Hope that helps
I think your paraphrasing introduction and conclusion are too short to convey meaning and intention. You can either add some brief explanations or use alternative phrases to lengthen your sentences, which will bring you lexical mark.
Some mistakes I detected:
particularly positive effects
which decreases
And you need to explain this to some extent but just state it more some work-out is necessary for the public to have a better health.
Hope that helps
Linh Dieu
Aug 26, 2018
Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Agree or disagree - female leaders make society more peaceful [3]
Thanks for your worthy advice. I will try to discard these errors
Thanks for your worthy advice. I will try to discard these errors
Linh Dieu
Aug 26, 2018
Writing Feedback / A group is able to find better solutions that if they were to try to solve the problem individually [4]
Hi
I think your essay has quite adequate explanations for your opinion but you have failed in using tense, verbs and grammar pretty much:
if not helps from the team => not be helped or gets help
problems and to complete => complete
Teamwork helps people increase both collaboration and brainstorming ability
Shorten this one: It is clear that when we have a problem ...
and so on
Hope that helps
Hi
I think your essay has quite adequate explanations for your opinion but you have failed in using tense, verbs and grammar pretty much:
problems and to complete => complete
Teamwork helps people increase both collaboration and brainstorming ability
Shorten this one: It is clear that when we have a problem ...
and so on
Hope that helps
Linh Dieu
Aug 25, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - Why people do nothing to protecting the environment and how do deal with it? [7]
Hi
I think you have seized somewhat an average extent of this topic but your essay shows that you have done a weak one in both grammar and completion of task response.
In grammar:
the scientists have been announced
addressto the issues
found convenient
And I think you misused the comma in where they are not needed
The topic requires you to analyze "how people can be encouraged to take an interest in protecting the environment?" but you stated about mandatory methods such as tax, law, policies, etc which totally don't make sense about interest. And your previous explanations about why people do not comply with the rule just because it's their consistent activities, which I found imperceptibly persuasive.
Hope that helps
Hi
I think you have seized somewhat an average extent of this topic but your essay shows that you have done a weak one in both grammar and completion of task response.
In grammar:
address
found convenient
And I think you misused the comma in where they are not needed
The topic requires you to analyze "how people can be encouraged to take an interest in protecting the environment?" but you stated about mandatory methods such as tax, law, policies, etc which totally don't make sense about interest. And your previous explanations about why people do not comply with the rule just because it's their consistent activities, which I found imperceptibly persuasive.
Hope that helps
Linh Dieu
Aug 25, 2018
Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Agree or disagree - female leaders make society more peaceful [3]
Throughout history, male leaders always lead us to violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders, it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and give any relevant example or experience you have to support your answer.
It will lead to less struggled if countries could be run by womanly presidents as opposed to being led by male ones. I quite agree with this opinion as the world would be in balance in a lot of aspects.
Firstly, women do not prefer to live in war because of their harmonic instincts. The internal maternal instinct of female hardly constitutes by competed preference or dictatorial psychology. Moreover, their leading styles will be influenced by what they think, so one female leader's policy can be less strict than that of a man, which minimizes the risk of war, conflicted religions, and so on. As a result, they will reduce serious consequences for countries like deficient budget, mortality and tumbled economy. Elizabeth I is one typical example of the wise orientation as her prevention decree to Christianity and rejection to be at war with Scotland to reduce wasteful loss for England.
Secondly, women who do not vie for personal benefits will spend time and budget improving citizens' living standard and tackling eternal problems. Furthermore, they willing to shoulder responsibility with conscious attitude and well-prepared strategies to man's little-concerned problems with women and children such as sexual discrimination, familial violence, etc. This method will make women's policies receive much public approval and connect citizens' expectation to their leaders.
In conclusion, the women's rule will be more beneficial and democratic than that of men, which followed concord tendency and needed taking into account for many countries.
Throughout history, male leaders always lead us to violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders, it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and give any relevant example or experience you have to support your answer.
too few women in charge on public positions
It will lead to less struggled if countries could be run by womanly presidents as opposed to being led by male ones. I quite agree with this opinion as the world would be in balance in a lot of aspects.
Firstly, women do not prefer to live in war because of their harmonic instincts. The internal maternal instinct of female hardly constitutes by competed preference or dictatorial psychology. Moreover, their leading styles will be influenced by what they think, so one female leader's policy can be less strict than that of a man, which minimizes the risk of war, conflicted religions, and so on. As a result, they will reduce serious consequences for countries like deficient budget, mortality and tumbled economy. Elizabeth I is one typical example of the wise orientation as her prevention decree to Christianity and rejection to be at war with Scotland to reduce wasteful loss for England.
Secondly, women who do not vie for personal benefits will spend time and budget improving citizens' living standard and tackling eternal problems. Furthermore, they willing to shoulder responsibility with conscious attitude and well-prepared strategies to man's little-concerned problems with women and children such as sexual discrimination, familial violence, etc. This method will make women's policies receive much public approval and connect citizens' expectation to their leaders.
In conclusion, the women's rule will be more beneficial and democratic than that of men, which followed concord tendency and needed taking into account for many countries.
Linh Dieu
Aug 20, 2018
Writing Feedback / The importance of allocating certain percentage of high-level position in companies to women [4]
First, I think you should write the detail topic and your introduction should be based on this, which means it has to conclude restatements of your topic instead of notifying some reasons needed more in demonstrated paragraphs.
Second, explanations are not quite adequate to push your arguments to be many-sided, because you are organising too many fractions of paragraphs, which make us be interrupted and can not comprehend total. You should unify these paraghs become each one but more sufficient: introduced sentences, deep explaination, conclusion and examples.
Hope that helps.
First, I think you should write the detail topic and your introduction should be based on this, which means it has to conclude restatements of your topic instead of notifying some reasons needed more in demonstrated paragraphs.
Second, explanations are not quite adequate to push your arguments to be many-sided, because you are organising too many fractions of paragraphs, which make us be interrupted and can not comprehend total. You should unify these paraghs become each one but more sufficient: introduced sentences, deep explaination, conclusion and examples.
Hope that helps.
Linh Dieu
Aug 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / High school graduates are encouraged to start working or traveling rather than entering University [5]
Hi Hadi
I think your essay is somewhat has rather equivalent arguments supporting for your each opinion
But your grammar is not quite good. You lack of "s" in many words such as: adults,destinations, mentor, ect. And you seem misusing the comma in your essay to seperate sentences, which I think is not needed like "In the one hand, Mostly ... think, it is..." or "... from their academic career. because, job ..."
Hope it helps
Hi Hadi
I think your essay is somewhat has rather equivalent arguments supporting for your each opinion
But your grammar is not quite good. You lack of "s" in many words such as: adults,destinations, mentor, ect. And you seem misusing the comma in your essay to seperate sentences, which I think is not needed like "In the one hand, Mostly ... think, it is..." or "... from their academic career. because, job ..."
Hope it helps
Linh Dieu
Aug 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / Task 2: Traditional culture with money-making purpose. Discuss both views and give opinion [2]
Hope you can leave some comments and give some advices. Thank you all for reading my essay
Some people think that culture traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
When travel plays a pivotal role in economic developed process, different opinions have gradually appeared to discuss about the main intangible profited resource to maintain the vacation industry's survival. Some people claim that traditional culture will disappear if they are used for trade purpose, but in total this shall be the most important thing helping us save our traditional values from foreign attractions.
On one hand, culture traditions are former values which do not suit with modern age. Tourists' psychology is curious and stimulated with new things so they yearn for weird and peculiar places. If travel agents want to increase profits by attracting tourists, they shall choose which suit with customs' needs, so traditional activities belonging to indigenous culture will easily be dismissed because of their outdated fashions. These cultures bequeth deep-rooted thoughts in a small number of people so they do not proper for a large number of tourists including foreign ones and expats, which can not maximize profits to local and business.
On the other hand, traditions have their own worthy merit in attracting travelers because of specific and unique values, which can not be found in any culture. If we exhibit these achievements, they can escape from the risk of falling into oblivion and being eclipsed by other travelling imported cultures. Moreover, we can maintain culture uniqueness in intergrated process but be assimilated by different countries thanks to public's recognition. For instance, "ao dai" dresses and Chung cake are not only can not disappear from broadcasted activities but also raise the prospect of Vietnam traditional culture to many countries.
To sum up, although traditional values can decrease our potential resources in some extents, but these are vital for our initial civilization and deserve to be well-preserved.
Hope you can leave some comments and give some advices. Thank you all for reading my essay
Some people think that culture traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
When travel plays a pivotal role in economic developed process, different opinions have gradually appeared to discuss about the main intangible profited resource to maintain the vacation industry's survival. Some people claim that traditional culture will disappear if they are used for trade purpose, but in total this shall be the most important thing helping us save our traditional values from foreign attractions.
On one hand, culture traditions are former values which do not suit with modern age. Tourists' psychology is curious and stimulated with new things so they yearn for weird and peculiar places. If travel agents want to increase profits by attracting tourists, they shall choose which suit with customs' needs, so traditional activities belonging to indigenous culture will easily be dismissed because of their outdated fashions. These cultures bequeth deep-rooted thoughts in a small number of people so they do not proper for a large number of tourists including foreign ones and expats, which can not maximize profits to local and business.
On the other hand, traditions have their own worthy merit in attracting travelers because of specific and unique values, which can not be found in any culture. If we exhibit these achievements, they can escape from the risk of falling into oblivion and being eclipsed by other travelling imported cultures. Moreover, we can maintain culture uniqueness in intergrated process but be assimilated by different countries thanks to public's recognition. For instance, "ao dai" dresses and Chung cake are not only can not disappear from broadcasted activities but also raise the prospect of Vietnam traditional culture to many countries.
To sum up, although traditional values can decrease our potential resources in some extents, but these are vital for our initial civilization and deserve to be well-preserved.
Linh Dieu
Aug 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2- Should newcomers follow new country's traditions? [4]
I think your tone is more proper with creative essay, not academic one. And you need to explain deeply about the reason for this argument Everyone has their own [...] to be offensive to their beliefs.. I think if you could demonstrate why the traditional beliefs make locals feel serious with others who offend them depending on their rooted behaviours and give detail example of this, your essay would have more influences.
Hope this helps
I think your tone is more proper with creative essay, not academic one. And you need to explain deeply about the reason for this argument Everyone has their own [...] to be offensive to their beliefs.. I think if you could demonstrate why the traditional beliefs make locals feel serious with others who offend them depending on their rooted behaviours and give detail example of this, your essay would have more influences.
Hope this helps
Linh Dieu
Aug 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / Once children start school, teachers have more influence on their intellectual and social developmen [2]
Hi Bach
I find your essay is quite potential about lexicon, but you are lacking detail topic so it is difficult for us to judge your essay correctly. Second, I think this essay is somewhat not relevant between your arguments and your examples like paragraph 3, because your argument is the instructors will behave impartially but your example is totally about the way children obey the rule but not how teachers behave. And the circumstance about students with criminal activities, according to me, is not strong enough to push your argument.
And you should explain more after this educators have firm effects on juveniles through the academic training, because the first sentence of each paragraph is more important than others but you don't explain it clearly
Hope this helps.
Hi Bach
I find your essay is quite potential about lexicon, but you are lacking detail topic so it is difficult for us to judge your essay correctly. Second, I think this essay is somewhat not relevant between your arguments and your examples like paragraph 3, because your argument is the instructors will behave impartially but your example is totally about the way children obey the rule but not how teachers behave. And the circumstance about students with criminal activities, according to me, is not strong enough to push your argument.
And you should explain more after this educators have firm effects on juveniles through the academic training, because the first sentence of each paragraph is more important than others but you don't explain it clearly
Hope this helps.
Linh Dieu
Aug 17, 2018
Writing Feedback / Some people prefer to keep on their job while others change it often without much hesitation [3]
Some people prefer to stay in the same type of work all their life, and others prefer to change their jobs from time to time. Discuss both sides and state your own opinion
Career choices have become more flexible in modern life when everyone have the same opportunities, so different trends have appeared : earn a living with their current jobs forever or change them in many times in their life. Two trends have created argument among society and influenced more generations.
On one hand, people who prefer to keep on their job tend to live stable lives but dangerous ones. This helps them keep their own incomes, relationships, professional skills and life skills, which make them feel safer and help them avoid ventures and risky problems. They can have opportunities to get pay raise when all their life are spent to improve job skills and cement internal relationships. Moreover, people who decide to stay same job for a long time will have chance to enjoy the rest of life and spend time to accomplish their different activities such as: take care of family, go travel or play favourite sports.
On the other hand, others who prefer to change their jobs will not get rewarded in work like people who choose to stay in the same job. They must deal with many unexpected problems such as changed environments, colleagues, bosses,... even are constrained to change their own life to follow their new jobs, which prevents families who cope with financial problems. But in contrary, they get opportunities to challenge and expand themselves by confronting with various circumstances like deadline pressure, professional skills challenges and adaptability. So, they will get more experiences and can be confident in solving different difficulties.
In conclusion, I appreciate who can take risks in choosing jobs because of their stuff and adventure passion so I believe that they will get the market values in the future by their own diverse experiences and have colorful lives than others.
STAY at the same work place OR CHANGE JOBS frequently?
Some people prefer to stay in the same type of work all their life, and others prefer to change their jobs from time to time. Discuss both sides and state your own opinion
Career choices have become more flexible in modern life when everyone have the same opportunities, so different trends have appeared : earn a living with their current jobs forever or change them in many times in their life. Two trends have created argument among society and influenced more generations.
On one hand, people who prefer to keep on their job tend to live stable lives but dangerous ones. This helps them keep their own incomes, relationships, professional skills and life skills, which make them feel safer and help them avoid ventures and risky problems. They can have opportunities to get pay raise when all their life are spent to improve job skills and cement internal relationships. Moreover, people who decide to stay same job for a long time will have chance to enjoy the rest of life and spend time to accomplish their different activities such as: take care of family, go travel or play favourite sports.
On the other hand, others who prefer to change their jobs will not get rewarded in work like people who choose to stay in the same job. They must deal with many unexpected problems such as changed environments, colleagues, bosses,... even are constrained to change their own life to follow their new jobs, which prevents families who cope with financial problems. But in contrary, they get opportunities to challenge and expand themselves by confronting with various circumstances like deadline pressure, professional skills challenges and adaptability. So, they will get more experiences and can be confident in solving different difficulties.
In conclusion, I appreciate who can take risks in choosing jobs because of their stuff and adventure passion so I believe that they will get the market values in the future by their own diverse experiences and have colorful lives than others.
Linh Dieu
Aug 17, 2018
Writing Feedback / Plenty of authorities in the world consider economic progress is their first priority. IELTS2 [5]
Hi Red Moon
Your essay is quite sufficient about both reasoning and structure, but I think when you shift to the second view, you should explain clearly first why other aspects other than economic progress are quite important too. This will make your essay has coherence.
And you need more explanations in conclusion to support your option, because this phragrah also play a role as other ones, you need make it clearer to complete your structure.
Hope it will help.
Hi Red Moon
Your essay is quite sufficient about both reasoning and structure, but I think when you shift to the second view, you should explain clearly first why other aspects other than economic progress are quite important too. This will make your essay has coherence.
And you need more explanations in conclusion to support your option, because this phragrah also play a role as other ones, you need make it clearer to complete your structure.
Hope it will help.
Linh Dieu
Aug 17, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Art education in high school? [3]
Hi @tamcsp
I think your essay gave us a many-sided view about this problem, and your tone is great, but I think your answer not proper to academic essay, because this topic is "agree or disagree". And you should state your answer directly in your introduction. So 2 paragraphs following could not clear out your option, because you discussed both sides of this topic, not supported your own opinion. Your structure is more proper if it be used for literary one.
Hope it will help.
Hi @tamcsp
I think your essay gave us a many-sided view about this problem, and your tone is great, but I think your answer not proper to academic essay, because this topic is "agree or disagree". And you should state your answer directly in your introduction. So 2 paragraphs following could not clear out your option, because you discussed both sides of this topic, not supported your own opinion. Your structure is more proper if it be used for literary one.
Hope it will help.
Linh Dieu
Aug 16, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: A BAN ON ALL FORMS OF ADVERTISING? SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT? [3]
Hi everyone, I am new learner and I'm here to improve my writing skill. Hoping you will help me correct my essay by leaving some comments. Thank you all.
In modern world, the speed of globalisation will lead to the expand of foreign trade and domestic trade, especially advertisements of those business to customers. Advertisements have created advantages to both customers and business by their effects in large sphere. So if we enforce a ban to all forms of advertising, we may lost much profits and advantage than prevent its drawbacks.
Firstly, advertising is one of the fastest ways to approach technology, information of many social and economic aspects such as business, information technology, education,... in various forms like articles, online magazines, videos,.. and people no longer have to find their needs in traditional ways but connect to Internet. Many forms of advertising connect expectations of people by using colors, funny images and brief informations which remark goods' features and people can easily choose which ones will best suit their needs. So, people will not squander their time in selecting wares, or can watch them by entertained purpose.
Secondly, the revenue from advertising is huge receipts, which can decide many business's incomes. Google is a typical example of this, with PR Google Adwords. Advertisements have grown many business such as Instagram, Clash of Clans, Tinder, or Snapchat, which help these companies gain competitive edges in market. Predicted profit of these apps is 100 billion USD in 2020, which boost their future in particular ways. This number will influence economic growth, and draws investments from other country to develop and solve many financial problems of each business and country.
To sum up, the profit of advertising in both customer's suitable needs and economy problems are undeniable. If we can manage the way we consume this new technology with selected and conscious thoughts, we will have precise choices for our lives and prompt business to make the most of their resources.
Hi everyone, I am new learner and I'm here to improve my writing skill. Hoping you will help me correct my essay by leaving some comments. Thank you all.
A BAN ON ALL FORMS OF ADVERTISING?
In modern world, the speed of globalisation will lead to the expand of foreign trade and domestic trade, especially advertisements of those business to customers. Advertisements have created advantages to both customers and business by their effects in large sphere. So if we enforce a ban to all forms of advertising, we may lost much profits and advantage than prevent its drawbacks.
Firstly, advertising is one of the fastest ways to approach technology, information of many social and economic aspects such as business, information technology, education,... in various forms like articles, online magazines, videos,.. and people no longer have to find their needs in traditional ways but connect to Internet. Many forms of advertising connect expectations of people by using colors, funny images and brief informations which remark goods' features and people can easily choose which ones will best suit their needs. So, people will not squander their time in selecting wares, or can watch them by entertained purpose.
Secondly, the revenue from advertising is huge receipts, which can decide many business's incomes. Google is a typical example of this, with PR Google Adwords. Advertisements have grown many business such as Instagram, Clash of Clans, Tinder, or Snapchat, which help these companies gain competitive edges in market. Predicted profit of these apps is 100 billion USD in 2020, which boost their future in particular ways. This number will influence economic growth, and draws investments from other country to develop and solve many financial problems of each business and country.
To sum up, the profit of advertising in both customer's suitable needs and economy problems are undeniable. If we can manage the way we consume this new technology with selected and conscious thoughts, we will have precise choices for our lives and prompt business to make the most of their resources.
