Posts by meisj0n

meisj0n

Dec 15, 2009

Writing Feedback / Need help with sociology essay: Panopticon of Our Time [9]

Psst> I will see if I can get another contributor or moderator to tag-team

The new spheres of panopticon have given birth to a new kind of cyborgs.

cyborg. interesting stuff.

These cyborgs exist within the codes of binary system of organisms; however, they are recognized as Muslims.

I'm confused. lol. Muslims and electronic people? what do you mean they are recognized?

They are at large considered a threat to humanity and in particular to the West.

particularly the West.

This threat did not just appear from thin air; rather their existence came to being with the incident of September 11th, 2001 in New York. They attacked World Trade Centre, which created reasons for United States and other western countries to attack countries suspected with ties to Al-Qaeda.

Ah! I see. threat-repetition from previous sentence. less fluff and words, more substance. you can combine these two sentences. and about things that most people find common knowledge, you can expound less on them...like here

Therefore, Iraq and Afghanistan were attacked by the coalition forces with the slogan 'war on terror.'

Many Muslim men were captured, declared as enemy combatant and brought to various detention facilities around the world for the interrogation and power experiments.

Muslim men where? what say so much about the background...it's prosaic

None of these facilities are operated within the borders of continental United States, making these facilities immune to the human rights code of USA.

what do yoy plan to talk about later with such facts?

The newly created American panopticons have transgressed docile bodies of prisoners, readily available for chaos and order experiments, into cyborgs with the use of power.

panopticons <big word. I'm not sure transgressed is the right word.

I'm at a loss at what to say about this intro. it's long, it's interesting because you use words about robots, panopticons, cyborgs...but does this REALLY make the point you want to say? I think you can say it in fewer words.

Work on introducing more what you plan to say in the intro. not solely saying a background.

meisj0n

Dec 15, 2009

Graduate / LSE International Relations grad essay - correct [5]

Studying management and mandarin

capitalize Mandarin

orient

haha. Mandarin and Orient :]

I have learnt English and German early on, played violin, piano and years of guitar while devoting most of my energy to sports.

learned* Why list what you can do when you want to focus on sports?

the ascetic trainings and competitive spirit of competitions now transform into academic tenacity.

unless you incorporate the other activities into also influencing your academic tenacity.

Teaching young children and adults, I realized giving back to and empowering others is a fulfilling experience.

all that "fluff" about sports and all you learned was giving back? unless you mention more why those activities make you a better person to face your future program, lessen them? or just focus on a few. Great achievement though..

than my peers early on.

you use this technique earlier too. from childhood. maybe rephrase?

than choose to continue

then chose to continue*

During my first year as a BSc management major, I got involved in the world's third largest NGO and largest student organization, AIESEC. This opportunity led me to learn more about cultures, negotiating with partner companies and interact with foreigners while attending conferences in Belgium and managing events in Budapest.

tell more about this experience. sounds interesting and would maybe show how you are prepared for this field. less of the other stuff about schooling? though it does show your ability to cross borders/reach out

As a sophomore, I started my second BA degree majoring in East Asian studies, specializing in Chinese translation at the oldest university in the country. I chose Chinese due to my astuteness in languages and interest in one of the oldest civilizations. As my second eastern language I study Mongolian. While on scholarship at USC Marshall in Los Angeles the next year, I furthered my knowledge with global management courses and Chinese language. I also published articles at the USC China Institute and attended Chinese related events in LA.

more great achievements; however, less verbiage, more importance of these activities. even if you mention them later, describe their importance.

Professionally, I have worked since early high school years, instructing tennis in the summer.

professional tennis? all in one sentence? that's cool. though you could mention how tennis is a diplomatic sport. ahah. maybe a topic sentence for this paragraph that more structures the idea of professionalism.

The creative affairs department, where I worked was responsible for all movie music related issues, thus I got exposed to how the movie business deals with artist and album promotion and soundtrack selection.

incomplete clause.

My joint-internship with the Central Intelligence Agency has provided more international exposure, as I helped the agency recruit applicants and advertise the CIA around LA. I developed our communications platform and ads. Working for a governmental institutions

incomplete? but focus on this, it's again, more strengths that you can focus on for IR/ communications.
what is a sinophile?

Apart from sports, I consider my academic achievements my major accomplishment.

so you bounce back to sports. either need a transition or stronger topic sentence.

My international interest comprises my hobbies.

maybe this can be a topic sentence for a prior paragraph? it just sits here. not surrounded by much, and while it shows you, it seems awkward to place it there.

as I have experience and interest both in International Relations and Global Communications.

you say you do, but most of your essay is more personal. only the China company experience I can pinpoint as experience. i think there may have been more. haha. too much info for me to remember.

I consider international relations and cross cultural communications becoming more and more critical to world stability in the future.

rather weak ending in regards to all your accomplishments. LSE. london. that's cool. So much experience, so many things accomplished. I'm very impressed. maybe you should focus on the

global media

too here. you only mention it a little. less about family, more about these two fields you want to pursue. Let's see what other people have to say.

meisj0n

Dec 15, 2009

Undergraduate / undergraduate course at SVA, Writing Statement of intent! [3]

Here I am, trying to introduce myself to the school that I want to go to learn more about cartooning is somehow surprising and unexpected.

Are you trying to say that trying to introduce yourself to this school is somehow surprising? or you saying that cartooning is surprising. The ending somewhat hangs there.

I just liked telling stories and building up my own world.

I simply enjoyed telling...

I never thought about becoming a cartoonist or a painter because drawing was just too natural to me.

that doesnt seem to connect? though I guess I can't argue with you.

Later when I entered middle school, I had a chance to read some Japanese comic books and it was just whole a new experience to me.

Keep the tense similar? you talk in present tense, past tense, then present, then past...

I hadn't known that characters on a paper could be felt like they were really talking and moving

I think you meant, I had not known that characters on paper could give readers the feeling that the pictures were talking and moving. ? something like that? Or are you saying something different?

And as much as I've gotten to know that there are many kinds of cartoons all over the world besides Japanese comics, I got into Cartooning more and more.

As I found out that there are many kinds of cartoons all over the world besides Japanese comics, I got into cartooning even more.

Since I liked painting pretty scenes and people, and making stories up, it was just obvious that I was going to be into it.

It became obvious to you right? say "it became obvious to me that.."

I gradually started to dream of becoming a cartoonist.

rephrase: started pursuing a dream? started to form a dream? increased your pursuit of this field?

I firmly believe that all the artworks are about messages.

that all art is about messages*

Whatever the artists intended to put in the artworks, readers get to their own conclusion which may reflect from their own experience.

Are you saying that artists intend to place one thing in their art, but readers get a different message? Or that in addition to the author's message, readers make their owns conclusions that reflect their own experience?

Some people may find themselves in those messages or experience a whole new life through the characters. Isn't it just exciting?

I thought it was just so exciting that some people may ...

As I keep working on making cartoons, I've become to have one ambition which is to meet many people including those who are in the field of arts so that I could learn and share variety of techniques and new thoughts to gain profundity and my own originality to my art works.

run-on. As I continue to make cartoons, I have found an ambition to meet many new people, especially those in the arts field, so that I could learn and share varieties of techniques, as well as find new thoughts to gain profundity and originality to my art works.

I like the topic. It's cool that you've had experience with what you want to do. Focus a little more on what was important about cartooning to you, and why you chose it. About the statement of intent, what did you have to address and talk about? Is this a casual statement, a autobio, or experience statement? what do you have to focus on, because I'm not sure what bases you still have to cover.

meisj0n

Dec 15, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay : Stars live and they die. [10]

LoL now this makes sense Everardo

My perception of stars seemed to be fixed on the fact that they are luminous balls of plasma that flicker. That's it.

my perception... <this seems passive. not very like you're thinking creatively. I get the idea, but rephrase some. That's it..expound what that's supposed to me.

I had become so fixated on one star that I felt the world crash down before me. The star was so full of life, it seemed invincible. It had blinded me, and I fell victim to the rest of my senses.

sounds like you're staring at the sun... what else can blnd you? maybe things about how your eyes act when you look at it.. pupil dilation, etc ability to see so far...lalala

A split second before the star went; bestrewn of life.

incomplete clause?

aesthetically pleasing for my retina

haha. here it sounds a bit funny though..pleasing to your retina? Iono..sounds cool though
I had seen beauty in destruction please guess what I'm thinking here Dx

Nature simply took its course. I believe it is in our universal right to create.

transition here would help a bit because you add new ideas b/n the star creation thing and the latter sentence

I have always been feared change.

word?

Change is essential, and is part of human nature.

Add Yet change..

From life to death.

another incomplete clause...I guess it's flow of consciousness?

We encounter ourselves, by being both vulnerable and resourceful.

little vague.
reread the conclusion...few grammar and syntax fixes

content is good. I see the philosophy sort in it now...however, still the ending needs some rephrasing? Otherwise, I like the topic...it fits. ahah

meisj0n

Dec 14, 2009

Essays / [Sociology/Social Sciences] "Period of Enlightenment" Undergraduate Essay [4]

well, have you studied that topic of the Enlightenment? What stuck out? what did you learn? (if anything xD)
there were many different strains of thought or social science disciplines as the prompt calls them.
think of all the authors and what they espoused...change in thoughts of the man, somewhat a new approach that reflected the humanist idea of the Renaissance yes? Maybe I'm wrong..

meisj0n

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay : Stars live and they die. [10]

about content, I just skimmed...but I don't see much you in it...

Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

did you answer this enough for me to know you better? maybe not.. I learned about star life and persistence of humanity

meisj0n

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Why Engineering? Why Cornell Engineering? [10]

I'm not saying that you have to delete it. But ask yourself, why do you write about man's needs? how are those needs specific to you? to your field? maybe add yourself into it. to see that this is what YOU have realized.. and not what you have pulled out of a book. make it, if possible, a more personal essay. Because that intro is rather long, I had thought that you wanted to talk about those ideas/needs in your essay. you DID NOT. you talked about a friend's needs that influenced you to follow a direct path, one that you know you want to pursue. Unless you connect the two, one very broad, about ALL mankind, with your friend, it's a stretch to combine them. I think you can, just think up some transition.

meisj0n

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Common application (my IT skills) [5]

During summer 2008, I ~~have~~ developed a hotels administration system.

~~Later~~By the end of that year I ~~have~~had already sold 10 copies of the system then known as Hotels Publisher.

Getting to know with <you mean work with?> owners of nationwide known <someone correct me if im wrong, but I think it's hotels known nationwide> hotels was of particular interest for me.

One day the owner of A HOSTEL group invited me to his office.

That day he asked "What is your big plan for the life?"

if you want, combine with previous sentence using a semicolon. if you dont want to, leave it.

There was a moment of silence and before letting me to say anything he interrupted me and added him seeing big potential in me and asked me to work for him for a few years.

[after a moment of silence, he interrupted me and added that he saw big potential in me. He then asked me to work for him for a few years.]

It is most rewarding part of any experience when someone truly shows that he admires your work, not to compare to any mark that you would get in school.

Good idea here. nice conclusion. [The most rewarding part of any experience such as this was that someone admired my work and did not just compare it to marks that someone could get in school] <maybe?< I'm not sure I got your whole idea there.>

Comments: there's more content here. yes you ARE ON topic. If you want, add something about what you did for that employer or what you learned. just some ideas.

meisj0n

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Extra-curricular essays for UVA [9]

Ok...one I will

1) HIV/AIDS Peer Educating
We sing songs, act skits, and read monologues. We teach about HIV/AIDS through theatre, investing our efforts to make a difference in Montezuma. I am a peer educator.

Good thoughts present here, but it sounds more like an informal conversation than a short answer essay

It all started sometime ago in Ghana: my heart bled anytime I heard the statistics: "200 Ghanaians get infected with HIV a day", "5 000 children orphaned by AIDS".

some time ago* dash or semi-colon instead of colon, my heart bled whenever* <I'm not sure how to separate these quotes.

stereotypes, and increasing awareness. We not only taught about modes of transmission, but also explained prevention methods, provided support and increased awareness

repeated increased awareness? why? otherwise, this is good stuff

Four years down the lane, my heart still bleeds, but it also overflows with the hope that very soon, we will win the fight against HIV/AIDS.

the whole bleeding thing, it's touching, but it somewhat distracts. four years down the lane sounds like its in the future. make sure the tense remains consistent. the HIV/AIDS thing...I guess it works, but sort of cheating it yea? just say one, they go hand in hand, so I think one will suffice.

I'll edit another if you want :P good luck!

meisj0n

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Common application (my IT skills) [5]

IT skills on more academic fields.

what is IT

Since then it was thesaurus, online school newspaper & essays shop that I have developed.

I'm confused

scholar extracurricular activities.

phrasing is strange

However, expected or not, my

take out expected or not

ironically they went skyrocket up having in mind the time I spend "learning".

i get the irony.. but what do you mean by that latter part

Seems like while collecting database for thesaurus, my Lithuanian language dictionary expanded colossally and while writing articles for newspaper and reviewing essays for mistakes I learned more and more vivid information then ever which helped me latter, during the test works.

run-on? I don't get the whole picture here. why are you writing about all these things? For draft 1, make sure tense is consistent. also, make sure you focus on one part...IT? what is that, what did you do with it, what did you learn? etc

draft 2...I'm lost. sorry, I dont see the point of saying...this was something I did that meant a lot. maybe rephrase? I'm confused...seriously

Ok...So I'm guessing you're either ESL...or I'm just not getting what you're going at. The idea in the third draft is somewhat there...but I don't get an overall epiphany.. what did you do? make art pictures using a compass? program things on a computer to draw circles? pray tell. I'll try helping you with a solid idea. but i need the idea and the points first.

EDIT* Ah. I see..content.

about your first one, make sure you lay out what you want to talk about, then describe what that activity was (briefly if it is obvious), then elaborate on what you learned, how it affected you, maybe why it is important to you...maybe same for the other ones.

meisj0n

Dec 14, 2009

Undergraduate / [Application essay]Dream to study abroad ... [10]

on word 2003, it's Tools>Word Count>Characters (with spaces)

again. choose one topic and narrow it down :P

discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.

<<keep that in mind as you write. this will help you take out what you don't need and help you add what you do.

meisj0n

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch--Mt. Holyoke Essay [7]

They say eyes are windows to the soul, and a smile is beauty unmatched but it's the hands that tell my story.

Fearless, you talking about this? well. try making it more of a quote...Who are they? what is the actual quote? why do you use it? explain it if you want to use it.

Nothing I have ever seen can measure up to the things, lives, and hearts that I have or plan to touch.

nothing really wrong..just that it's rather vague. the notion of never seeing anything better than what I can do/have done sounds arrogant. maybe rephrase to make it sounds more you.

My palms have skimmed over pages of a thousand words, leaving a trail only for my eyes to follow.

what do you want to tell by saying this? that you read a lot? or that you write a lot? please explain more and talk less it abstract terms. It helps you stand out, instead of just obscure ideas.

These fingers have been used to pluck the strings of my passion, listening to a melody of my own creation.

you mean you write music? I'm thoroughly confused.

Like my mind, they are always at work.

Ok...So I like the effect of this paragraph...but it's much too abstract. it sounds prosaic and the effect of your hands loses its quality

Maya Angelou "You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back."

AH. this quote...you don't talk much about it. and you don't have much room to..maybe paraphrase like you did earlier. or make this an earlier topic and progress from there.

Well I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch

Informal a bit

These hands are different from anyone else's because they are attached to a person ready to leave a positive impact on the world, and she goes by the name: ------ ------.

LOL. you seriously thinking about writing that into the essay? I'd advise against it, unless you really talk about the positive impacts that you are willing to do. and make these impacts sounds reasonable or at least possible.

Comments: so your hands, they are working hands, hands that will make a difference, yea? tell how, where you have used them as such, etc...I like this topic, haven't seen it tho :X again. less abstraction, more substance to substantiate the uniqueness of thou hands. :]

meisj0n

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / [Application essay]Dream to study abroad ... [10]

sorry I can't read all of your essay. it's quite long for ~2000 words

special talent, a personal experience or an activity

make sure you address the prompt more..FOCUS as it says.

However, they didn't complain me anything, especially their hardship and endeavor

edit

From the day I nurtured those thoughts, I studied harder and harder. I often got the rewards for the best student in my classes and schools. I was lucky because compared with friends at the same age in my small town; I had a special talent in English. I learnt English with a strong passion.

maybe this event? Maybe cut down and focus more on the fact that you realized that English is necessary for something? Or that event:

One last thing ....2000 characters...NOT words :|

meisj0n

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Why biomedical engineer? Why Johns Hopkins? [8]

Wow. some cheating here >_> I don't want to re-edit all of it. but that ending. I'm shocked. You're ready to sell your body to a college. quite fearless indeed. I like this one's ending better. but it looks to much like a brochure...same with that other one..tsk tskl

meisj0n

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Why Engineering? Why Cornell Engineering? [10]

water of today's society. As water is required for the survival of the fish, engineering is necessary for the continuation of our twenty-first century civilization.

the analogy would work, but rephrase it somewhat. "As water is necessary for a fish to survive, so too is engineering to the continuation of civilization in the twenty-first century." Another thing- while this list is long, it doesn't seem very personal, unless you connect more with each notion.

I desire to devote my life to engineering.

desire sounds off a bit.

The spark of my dream was ignited by my best friend, Andrew.

passive tense. "My best friend Andrew ignited the spark of this dream."...still odd though. I don't think you need "the spark of"

The only solution was to wear a bulky, ugly hearing aid. As the only student in my school wearing a hearing aid, Andrew was viewed either as a senile hospital patient who must be treated with extra care and pity or as a freak who deserved nothing but isolation and hurtful mockeries. Andrew wished only to be viewed as the confident and self-assured person he truly is. He returned the hearing aid and hoped life could return back to normal. Being his best friend, I fully understood his feelings and pains.

Shorten and focus on the point you try to make with his hearing aid needs.

Because of his moderate hearing loss, Andrew had to put in more time and effort than others to achieve his 3.98 GPA.

take out please. PLEASE

Had his efforts not been hampered by this disability, his achievements would have been even more outstanding.

The end of this paragraph doesn't truly make a point, looks like you go on a tangent.

I often wonder how many people are like Andrew, unable to reach their full potential because they're embarrassed to wear a hearing aid.If the nearsighted are able to wear contact lenses in order to hide their disability, then surely the hearing impaired should have hearing aids that are equally unnoticeable.

1. this point, while great, should go with the previous paragraph or have a better transition. 2. that second point- I thought some people do have really good hearing aids...Iono. then again, I've just seen the ones that look like earbuds..3.focus more on this idea. (in red) maybe lead up to it more.

Through my best friend, I recognize the weight of my mission, and I consider attending Carnegie Mellon University to be the first step toward this dream.

dream-nonrealistic, though you repeat what you said earlier about a friend sparking a dream, it seems like your mission = a dream.

explore alongside of world-renowned, yet unpretentious facilities

what do you mean by that last part?

my pursuit of designing and producing affordable micro-hearing aids

wow. that's a narrow goal. while saying that here is great, maybe say that this is just one of many things you hope to do?

While I'm pursuing a biomedical engineering degree, I can also earn a degree in biology.

sounds unnatural. why do you write this? write that why part into your essay

The superb quality of Carnegie Mellon Engineering has compelled me to call it my alma mater. I am ready to be a proud Tartan.

quite fearless. ambitious too.

Comments: You digress from your first paragraph entirely. Focus on your friend's disability and how it has shaped this dream instead. maybe include the present intro as an aside? The ideas are there, just need to pinpoint them and reword some

meisj0n

Dec 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

I would like to meet a copunselor :] but why do you have to discuss youR desired major if this is the common app? If you choose different majors for different colleges, then you place yourself in a bad dilemma. Another thing, I talked about my work experience, what I did, what I learned, how I helped. I think this is a rather open ended prompt. elaborating is not merely vomiting back what you stated in the previous part of Activities. I do think, however, that it should show more about yourself. Good luck with whichever one you choose!

meisj0n

Dec 12, 2009

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend NYU Abu Dhabi? essay [6]

New York University brings to mind highly desirable characteristics in an academic institution, like top class education, rich cultural diversity, and groundbreaking research.

When I hear NYU, my mind brings to the fore those characteristics high desirable in an institution: top class education, rich cultural diversity, and groundbreaking research. :? maybe

meisj0n

Dec 12, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

nation, to

no comma needed

when Obama won the election extreme joy and hubris came about the group for a job well done.

passive Dx . but overall much better

The Obama Campaign is an experience I will never forget.

maybe integrate more into your essay, like combining with the joy and hubris with the work, that you know you did your part, and more.

meisj0n

Dec 11, 2009

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Grad School in Anthropology; 'Martin Luther King, Jr' [6]

No cheating -.- second post and first should go together xD EF_TEAM ring ring ring!

Perhaps the most difficult challenge I have confronted was when my mother was diagnosed with stage four cancer.

don't use when. take it out and change the rest of it to match.

As it was only my mother and I at home it was up

comma after home

While this was a difficult time in my life, the challenge of battling cancer with my mother taught me not only who I am, but also that there are no limits as to what I can accomplish in my life.

Sounds vague. If you can, try making your paragraphs end with a definitive response about what you learned. If there's no word count, maybe write about how taking care of your mother told you there are no limits...a stretch?

decided to take it upon myself to use my spare time to shadow physicians in order to gain more in-depth knowledge of medical pathologies and treatment plans.

a big mouthful.

In addition, I was a regular volunteer at a local elementary school, and I aided a local high school for delinquent children raise money for an annual school sponsored trip to Germany.

tell how maybe, what you did, how those experiences will aid in anthropology

Working fulltime did not prevent me from successfully completing my undergraduate education having not only majored in anthropology, but also having studied abroad twice, and having learned the Italian language fluently.

another mouthful. looking at it again, its a run-on? a the second clause isn't complete

Overall, the challenges I faced while attending the University of Tennessee not only added to my education, but also enriched my life.

focus or make this point stronger. how did it enrich? what did you learn? how, again, have these made you enriched?
Each paragraph is pretty much standalone. work on better transitions.

Through my life experiences and my education in anthropology I have gained a deeper appreciation for mankind. I have learned that anthropologists can make a real difference in the world which is why I am now looking to further my education in anthropology.

another focus sentence. try combining the two, I think you can make them shorter so that the point made is stronger.

While I am predominantly interested in and traditional healing practices and prescription drug abuse I am also looking forward to exploring other topics.

phrasing is off. well, if you had these interests, talk about them earlier, it will help narrow the focus of the paper

...

Our consultations and cooperation regarding her/his expertise in XXXX would clearly facilitate my research and self-development goals.

I'm confused. the pronouns are a tad off

I'd like to talk to you soon too. haha
strengthen your intro, make it more you. less quote. you don't really use the quote much, so unless you place your challenges in picture through that quote, cut! restructure some parts, work on transition, and make sure you answer more about the first question. I don't see much about your previous work. Good luck!

*Edit. Team go to it quick :]
also, aren't you applying for graduate studies? wrong forum?

meisj0n

Dec 11, 2009

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend NYU Abu Dhabi? essay [6]

New York University brings to mind highly desirable characteristics in an academic institution, like top class education, rich cultural diversity, and groundbreaking research.

the like top class... is a bit broken off from the the previous phrase. seems like you're saying: this university brings to mind great qualities in a school, like lalala... Restructure.

Abu Dhabi, right here <no comma>

Not only will I acquire an intercultural education in Abu Dhabi, I will be exposed to diverse customs, cultures, and lifestyles across all the continents of the world during my semesters abroad.

not only will I ..., but I will also... What do you mean by semesters abroad? you plan to study abroad yes? as Toni said, mention about what you want to do at NYU Abu Dhabi. Does NYU Abu Dhabi have those specific notions/characteristics you set forth in the beginning? as for ideas, what else about studying at a university under this prestigious name is a motivation to study there? what does it really offer. solid, concrete notions examples may help

meisj0n

Dec 11, 2009

Undergraduate / Eccentric, influential person essay or electricity-generating bike essay? [14]

70 mV means resting potential, so the lights ought to be off and the frenzied activity ceases. At -55 mV, the action potential occurs.

you sure those values are correct? I thought -70mV was resting potential, unless you're not talking about neural impulses. I don't see how action potential "occurs" at that voltage. unless you're saying it begins...Iono Dx the whole voltage gates open at -55mV. flooding of sodium. lalalala

As he recounted his experiences to me, I realized: Not only does he push me to the highest level of intellectual growth, he also pushes me to care more about the world around me.

this was his main influence right? maybe expound more upon this. or just restructure some.

I knew Mr. Shimmon's class would inevitably instill in me a love of psychology. Yet, it wouldn't be until later that I would realize: His awe-provoking compassion for others and inexhaustible passion for his work taught the most important lessons of all.

semicolon used incorrectly. another thing. tense keeps changing. psychology...why not talk more about relating with people, that part of psychology that relates to human interaction...then again, I like the bio neuron reference..it just somehow doesn't exactly flow with the influence other than him being a lively, energetic person. though you say that, you only talk about it as an influence minimally.

I don't accuse them of not wanting me to be happy and well-adjusted; it's the opposite. In their view, a well-paying job necessarily equates with happiness. It's understandable; my parents used to farm for a living and they want me to be financially secure.

Why talk about parents here :?

Mr. Shimmon's approach to education -not a contrasting approach, but a different one- has been necessary to imbue my sense of self with a love for open inquiry.

I'm confused here. wordiness too. what do you mean by contrasting approach...and what different one? is contrasting a psych term? I'm still confused even if you use complimentary

The most important question of all: Who will I be? I want the answer to be: a thoughtful, caring individual who approaches my life with passion, zest and the same amount of energy that Mr. Shimmon expended on that day in September.

the questions are great. yet if you only say that his influence was his energy and zest for action potentials, then make that clearer in the intro/body

Both papers need some work, but I liked the topic of the second better. Then again, for that one, you have to focus more on that one experience, the bike building project, yea? the whole go green intro can be a bit shorter, focus on what happened during this experience. what happened to your green idea? though not really green, its cool :]

meisj0n

Dec 11, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Life in India / International Studies' - College Franklin and Marshall [3]

I live in India, in Bangalore to be precise. Yet, I feel as if I belong to the world - or that is the global citizen I aim to be.

The yet part doesn't really flow well. why did you use yet? also, the second sentence, I feel that I belong to the world and that I will become the global...

It is these undying promises to myself that I intend to bring to the Franklin and Marshall community.

What undying promises? promise to live as a global citizen? try using a different word. I'm not sure promise to live...flow together. The next sentence about MUN is great.

school team ~~(including me)~~ to the Harvard

Perhaps my debating and public speaking skills were partly responsible for the invitation.

although this seems humble, it's not very outstanding-ish. Maybe just say that you placed your efforts into this activity and that you know you had were an important member. something along these lines. be creative!

At various MUN sessions, resolutions I have drafted won the majority of votes ~~over other delegates' solutions~~ because

I drafted resolutions that [often] won...

Current affairs interest me keenly.

what do you mean? current events in your India? global issues? global affairs? keenly.<maybe another word?

As an avid reader and a budding cartoonist, your other campus clubs that caught my attention include the Debate club, the Government club, the Gourmet Society, and the Cycling club.

You're not saying the campus clubs are avid readers and cartoonists are you?
Make sure that phrase connects correctly with you, not the clubs. I don't even think you need to mention them.

I'm certain I'll be among the richest of potential global citizens when I leave.

So this was what you meant. Try making this point clearer earlier. I do have a question though, arent we ALL global citizens? so you're saying that you will have rich potential, that you have abundant potential, yes? Clarify please. As of now, it sounds like you will have lots of money :]

Make sure you focus on what you would contribute to this college. Talking about MUN is a great example, but again, focus on that GREATEST contribution.

Funny, Franklin and Marshall, Lancaster, PA... I'm close to Lancaster, CA xD

meisj0n

Dec 10, 2009

Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]

just a note, Math is a common word. lower-case it please. one other thing that program now just pops up randomly. >_< anything specific about it that you can talk about? better focus though.

those is it questions...iono really. continue with less passive voice? your first draft had better tense variation and verb variation... :<

meisj0n

Dec 10, 2009

Writing Feedback / The role of Citizen Participation in community planning - thesis statment lenght [5]

I see. quite a handful...but if this is a reflective paper, I don't think you have to address it in one sentence..
So basically, have a theses that address the role of citizen participation in changing community planning. You can, in your intro, mention these people's ideologies on the topic, as I think you do...let's see

Although the role of Citizen Participation in community planning has ~~generally~~ evolved over time, the degree to which it has changed is not significant despite significant gains in empirical research. Professionals have not only created theoretical but also more practical approaches towards Citizen Participation such as Desmond M. Conner's "New Ladder" of participation, which is a huge improvement over Sherry Arnstein's "Ladder." <good? I dunno. the next part im not really sure how to rephrase, but I think you get the idea.> Moreover, authors James L. Creighton and Lance Decker have ~~also~~ come up with innovative ways to structure and implement successful participatory programs that overcome barriers. Of the many, the three key theories that underlie Citizen Participation in planning are cohesiveness, responsiveness and early involvement.

maybe expand upon that last sentence and make a transition, but I think this addresses the prompt. it's so bulky, but it reminds me of a tok essay

meisj0n

Dec 9, 2009

Writing Feedback / The role of Citizen Participation in community planning - thesis statment lenght [5]

unless Citizen Participation is some group, it should be lower-cased. Also, unless this is a research paper abstract or intro to one, leave out the this paper argues... just state it is words. May be a more complex way, but it looks better. But dang, baby! 1 sentence. I'm awed. a couple semi-colons, a few commas,...

Pray tell what kind of essay you are writing. Theses can be long, and complex, but constraining it into 1 sentence is a stretch.

meisj0n

Dec 9, 2009

Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]

You address the prompt. math. I don't think you need that first sentence. inmediately is also wrongly spelled. Instead of talking about that program, talk about math! tell MIT what you enjoy about math. yes it's great that you mention "spending Saturdays to participate in the Talented Youth Program at the National University of El Salvador"... but what about this made it worth the two hour drives? just doing math? the challenge? the thought of new problems? pray tell. that makes for a stronger answer

meisj0n

Dec 9, 2009

Undergraduate / "Chapter 28" - Penn Supplement - one page from my autobiography [3]

Interesting, I was gonna say this is page 217 of a 300 page auto. but I guess if you write the entire thing now...it works. but then again, it depends how long you live.

They classified it as "strange" that I - a male teenager - danced. <I'd only think it is weird if you wore a tutu ^^

big kids bus < hahaha. lovely words need the apostrophe though. kids' ...also make the list after the : parallel.
retorting words that reflected this outlook. <what do you mean? the vocab is a tad off.
of my enjoyment of my Indian culture <interesting possession.

legs ~~have~~ automatically energized
[Okay.. so this is page 217. make sure it remains page 217 and not page 77.. talking about learning dance back then, unless you mention somehow, that when you were in high school you remembered those memories and knew that this was your way of expression, does not quite fit the prompt

, however, <why smack it in the middle of the sentence?

interesting, but some oomph is lacking...iono if it's the fact that ch28 is about a high school dance, or that you just don't organize it to seem as such. still, it's a great topic. maybe make it seem more autobiographical.

meisj0n

Dec 9, 2009

Letters / I need a resume and cover letter for a job, don't know where to start [5]

How nice of you to introduce yourself. I advise you to Google Resume and Resume Cover Letter to find what you're looking for. You won't find a resume here. a resume is a compilation of your work experience, your volunteer experience, and if you want, your activities, abilities, and anything else you find appropriate for such a piece of job material. cover letter is a cover letter. name, email, the stuff if you want. again, Google is your friend.

meisj0n

Dec 9, 2009

Writing Feedback / Toefl- Kids playing computer games; What the parents did, what their children do [5]

With the advance of technology, the ages of people who touch the technology become lower and lower.

the ages of those who use* technology

At the same time, almost all of the parents face the same problem.

I'm confused here. what do you mean?

First of all, it is necessary for children to gain more chances and experience. By p laying computer games.

you dont have to say you were addicted, it weakens your argument, though you make it known that such a problem exists. interesting indeed.

Moreover, to enrich children's social life, children get more opportunities to interact with their friends.

Though true, I think it's realllly better to have real friends who can do things in real life. not play games on a computer :]

One of the experiences is how to attain a goal in computer games. If parents do not allow their children playing computer game.

this is what makes this issue quite sad. if this person has no one to talk to because he doesn't play games, then good for him. he should become a genius and make it big in the world. then again, the pressure to fit in, isn't it. :/ Do you really think these games are necessary? it seems like you're saying games are needed in order to talk to people, to have things to talk about. sorry about this secant :P

Last but not least, providing a safe environment for children, parents should enable children to play computer games.

what do you mean? I think you contradicted yourself here. many parents tend to play games, but not let their children play? that what you're trying to say? I guess.

What the parents did, what their children do.

are you going for the "what parents are able to do, children should be able to do too"? quite fun. quite fun. haha

Prohibiting children playing computer games may give them more excuses to find other occasions playing its.

how cute. make them stay at home so that they don't meet the bad boys on the street :] games are much safer, but what about their poor eyes and their poor minds? :<

For the reasons above, I disagree that playing computer games waste~~children'~~ s time.

Comments: I'm not quite getting your flow. games allow people to experience complex thinking experiences where they need to solve problems and reach goals. then games allow people to communicate and have things to talk about. lastly, games on a computer are safer than the reality outside. Makes sense, makes SNES.e :]

Sorry for my oddball comments. I liked this topic quite a lot. Intro starts out well to lead into gaming, but the ending transition part can get some more work. the conclusion likewise. you're main point is clear, but the wording is distracting.

meisj0n

Dec 9, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

the values of discipline, respect, and teamwork were instilled within me.

passive first sentence. I get the feeling this won't be as exciting as you want it to be. Rather vapid sounding.
Make this YOUR OWN extracurricular! Make it something that STANDS out! maybe not the drills, the repetition, but something that you REALLY saw in it.

Again here:

Discipline was required to master the proper marching form

as well as to simply be a mature person whose sole purpose was to improve their skills, not to fool around.

ask yourself why you write this part? is it because YOU wanted to be mature/not fool around? is that what you saw band as? if so, SAY so.

Respect was required towards our squad leaders and band directors so that we could easily communicate and learn necessary information that helped our band to grow and become the best we possibly could.

Erred once more.

But perhaps the most important value was teamwork.

Focus more here? make it more about how you stood out and was part of this team. Because you make it a separate sentence from the previous, make it worth it as a separate one. otherwise, it'd just be more words, more traits that passively associate with band.

From coming in as a freshman to the end of my sophomore year, great maturation took place

Ok. issue. maybe this is why is sounds passive. you're talking about a 9th and 10th grade experience. something that happened two years ago? The passive past tense makes it rather jejune. Make it "zesty" and rhythmatic if you will.

helped me to become a better member of the band and my school community.<again. nuff said.

like your name btw :]

meisj0n

Dec 9, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

you asking if that second one works? i think so.. make the commas right.

meisj0n

Dec 8, 2009

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors College-Discuss some issue of importance... [3]

I was amazed at the amount of care that each child received. Health care does not only save lives, but it gives us all the chance to live lives that are joyful and fulfilling.

transition here between these sentences is weak.

My experiences as a young and sickly child have shaped my decision to become a doctor.

this should b and is your focus. however, you say this at least twice. maybe take that out once.

Comments: Overall, strong idea about your PERSONAL health problems. but addressing health care for the nation/local/international context you only did so minimally. maybe talk about this in the beginning and the rest should be fine.

meisj0n

Dec 8, 2009

Undergraduate / That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears [6]

repost of your previous one. EF_Team will clean this up i think..

why "terror threats" and why is this your first line? however it separated by a semi-colon before it.
weak transition from intro to body. that last sentence from intro can be combined with previous sentence.

scraper please. we don't scrap the sky. it'd fall down. post 9/11 era seems too strong. talk more about you. how did this caught affect YOU.

meisj0n

Dec 8, 2009

Undergraduate / What name would you suggest for Grinnell? [13]

this is really hard to answer. My thoughts are that aspirants should go.
Free thinkers too radical. movers and shakers interesting, but does it REALLY reflect this college?
Nonconformists is a long way of saying rebels...iono

give us some info, why you choose these mascot/names, would help

meisj0n

Dec 8, 2009

Undergraduate / Commonapp_Topic of ur Choice_My School [4]

Informal much. Long a bit. Idea seems ok. make sure you have a definite topic. one that you make for yourself and focus on. focus on tense and on verb conjugations.

meisj0n

Dec 7, 2009

Book Reports / controversy about Adventures of Huck Finn [11]

The ideals ...o wait. I have homework...
of opening up the issues of racism, hostility, profanity...both literary and historical merit in such a work..

please show more effort in your question. I hope you contribute to the forum more too :]

meisj0n

Dec 7, 2009

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "The main task of universities is to offer the students with the...D [5]

I think that maybe I have sth wrong

OMG.. finally took the time to search what sth meant. stupid me. sth=something >_>

academic education has become a great issue

My reasons are as following.

rather weak transition. maybe try presenting what you want to talk about later briefly in this paragraph.

acquire theories in the beginning

what do you mean by theories? understanding of material? the main ideas? and in the beginning of what?

If students do not gain any basic knowledge in their field, it may lead them run in to difficulties before they start to do their own projects.

Use a "If..., then..." pattern if you use "if..." ; "If..., then they may run into difficulties when they start doing their own projects."

I majored in the computer science

I did not know what ~~can~~could I do ~~and~~not how ~~can~~how I do anything .

my basic views in computer science.

what do you mean by views? that it should remain simplistic? multi-structured? complex? or do you mean basic knowledge/understanding?

Therefore, I can find the way and do a great job as better as I can.

What do you mean? that by reading you found a way? and do a better job?

they are freshmen in businesses

not freshmen. beginners in business*

no people

no one*

Although I, for example, will hunt my work which is related to computer science, it can not say that the work what I do that I've learn.

For example although I will hunt for work related to CS, I cannot say that the work I do will involve what I learn.*

they will lose their

"If...then..." again. they may lose*

using academic knowledge to create the real things is students' final goal.

What do you mean?

Conclusion can use some touch up. Make sure you say your main point earlier. It's somewhat hard to follow your logic. What I came to understand was that although its necessary to learn practical skills, universities should give their students more knowledge based information and theory so that these students can adapt to new jobs?? I don't know.. sounds contradictory at times. I thought that it's better to have practical experience that although you may not use what you learn, you have that experience to use elsewhere...but your opinion is fine..just make your points clearer.Again, work on intro and conclusion to strengthen your point.

Good luck!

meisj0n

Dec 7, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

who with people, or other human entities, is the right one.
that with objects, or similar nonhuman entities, is the other.

it's just that we sometimes forget which goes with which. rather a small mindless mistake I think. though it's funny when we talk about people ~~that~~who fail to do this ^^

meisj0n

Dec 6, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

Ok...now..."while filling, I sat." Is there something wrong here??

iono... what IS wrong here?

about plural, yes I understand about that, tis easy enough to comprehend context..
but those sentences such as

If I were to ask you about that wrong sentence, I would be straying from my first question.
And if that were not bad enough, I would be wasting your time. :|

...steps away **

meisj0n

Dec 6, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Essay going to Brown, Rice, Cornell! [4]

no bumping please. EF_Team will suspend you soon. :[

1. include a prompt.
2. ask what you want us to look for
3. think of a more creative title ^^

first sentence is a mess. the ending is "as" half ass-ed as the later sentenced

Now, I am a lead actor in my school's musicals, and I even manage a straight A average.

edit*ing :p

selling my name before the final election to elect five Supreme Court Justices from thirty candidates.
also the well-received thing I dislike. personally biased in a way. make this more of a personal response. although it's great that you were voted supreme court justice, what about this did you really learn, show how you learned it from this event? what did you do in that position? ending is fine i guess... just try making it more about you.