Undergraduate / 'My dad and fighting personality' - someone who has made and impact on you and why? [2]

Yep - your essay resonates with maturity. Its solid as a Comm app. You make forgiveness sound so easy - maybe an example of adversity and failure would help in the saga of your growing up. In any case, it reads well and is convincing, authentic. Thank you for rising to the challenge of losing a parent , of life in general.

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay-Laziness [2]

NIce beginning but the second part falls flat as you don't back up why you now adopt the new school of non-laziness. Give more specifics of why and how you started working more diligently and to what effect/change/transformations? I am not convinced, either you are naturally talented or you actually have taken to hard work whilst pretending to be lazy and laid back. You succeeded to convince me of the latter, now do so for the former!!

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 about working at a museum and daughter of teenage parents [2]

Really wonderful essay. I strongly encourage you to look into taking Curatorship as a major in Art. Look up some of these superstars: Nicholas Serota (of Tate Modern), Daniel Buren, Joseph Beuys. You have the consummage love and openness to listen and to share FEELING- which is what makes great ART! And art is so vital for and to safeguard the aesthetics of humanity!

Undergraduate / The Dragon Within [3]

Very cool, very funny - some typos you need to correct, but ideas are all bang-on!!
Suggest you start first slaying the third dragon (of laziness) and the next two will likely fall from a domino effect!!
Best of all is that you have a great sense of humor, so maintaining this above all will help you vanquish the dragons!!

good luck in your formidable conquests!!

Undergraduate / All you need is some "guts", and you can overcome anything. [5]

No comments at all besides - good luck Jmazz!! I wish you good continuation.\The example of scuba diving certifiation and climbing was sweet. I guess for the last line "guts' is ironic - given your gastro condition. Healthy guts methinks...!!!

Undergraduate / Select a local, regional, national or global prole and propose a feasible solution... [2]

Better late than never - what was the prompt? as I don't know what prole means- did you mean problem?

You provided an extensive answer to the problem of "construction" but very general. Could you choose just one example - like Pearl River Tower? That would qualify as a local problem, no need to go national or global (limit the scope as it makes your life writing the essay easier!!) What was the construction problem (the hypothesis - should be stated upfront in your first paragaph) to begin with and how was it resolved? That before and after format will help the reader undestand.

Undergraduate / UNC Essay - The Power of Positivity (Applying Early Action) [2]

I really liked your preferred course. To make the essay clearer, please consider adding in the content (first sentence of third paragraph) right after your first sentence first paragraph specifying the course title. The title needs elaboration of the content. Also, how often and how long would each course need to be to have effect?

p.s. disclosure - I totally agree that positive thinking is the preferred state of mind. hence I am biased reading your essay...

Undergraduate / (The Determined Businessman / High School Dilemmas) entrance A & B [2]

The first essay on your dad:
-end sentence in first paragraph - how well he has copeD
-third paragraph, end of first sentence - ADMIRABLE businessman
You don't describe what makes him an admirable businessman - only that he was a farmer. Also, you write that he had to complete his college work, home work on time etc. but you dont give the specifics that he went back to college.

Aside from strong work ethics and good parenting, how was he most influential in your life. Specific examples of his guiding you through difficult dilemmas, forks in life or life-changing transformations?

Your second essay on highschool dilemmas - I'm afraid needs more work. It mainly reads what every highschooler experience to balance life with more vigorous academic requirements plus the stress of college admissions. Your last paragraph gives the main points, build up a thesis statement in your opening paragraph and provide compelling real-life examples (vs. generalities)

Graduate / Are book more important than experiences. [2]

Your essay gives insight on how Books provide someone else's first hand experience, which then translates to the readers' second hand experience. It gives the reader the benefit of foresight from someone else. But certain things need to be experienced first hand, but at least the reader had the preview (like a map of what to expect) first. Also, each book provides one version of the experience = like from a teacher (Newton, Einstein) etc. The reader gets to choose from theoretical teachers or the best genius who created the knowledge theory or experienced it first. Books can provide learning but not mastery!!

Graduate / Activism and Psychology [2]

Some corrections:
-second paragraph: books FOR a prisoners' program
-next to last paragraph: This experience provided me with valuable research experience in the field.

Out of all you listed, what is your dream social program reform? What would you want to make more effective? Try to highlight ONE and play out your role in the scenario.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Reading,Practicing,Listening.Which way do you prefer as a learning method? [3]

Hi Jue,
Your first paragraph needs to answer the Q upfront as a the thesis statement by getting straight to the point of why books are your preferred learning method. Here you outline the main points in your essay i.e. your most important consideration is that books are the most economical -- giving the most learning value for money invested. Secondly, books are most practical (due to portability, accessibility= convenience, and reach - reading about experiences or analysis from experts vs. having to expeirence them physically yourself.

Aside from need to correct grammatical punctuation and some misspellings, you have a solid essay with this suggested organization of thesis statement in first paragraph, and wrap up conclusion in last. More examples on your personal experience learning from books (vs. the general ones you wrote) would also help!!

Undergraduate / University of Michigan Supplemental Short Answer [2]

Hello Grace,
Nice food imagery - whets the appetite. But aside from variety (specifically history, science, literature in second paragraph), you barely touched on your sempre fidelis, pick-me-up, secret ingredient (analogies don't quite jive there) - psychology. I would have liked to read more on that to sharpen the focus on what makes you a worthy undergrad candidate. I am not sure your mind's desire for a buffet of gastronomic delights (global tastes???) would cut the pie for the admissions office. Just sticking in your finger without really desiring all of the pie may not be a strong selling point. Same goes for your last line on satiating your appetitve. Again, aside from a hungry brain wanting variety with a late nite snack of psychology, we don't really get a strong "appetite" for what you have to offer...

Hope this helps!!

Scholarship / (educational systems and excellent facilities) letter for Master's Degree scholarship [2]

Solid letter. I have nothing to correct or any negative comment.
Would help to list specifics on the professors and programs of U. or Oslo!

Essays / Guys I'm stuck in my economic essay [8]

Are you asking for a definition of macro versus micro economics (what do you mean by "get it from the bottom to the top?") We can answer you better if you specify the question or prompt. I would guess that comparing countries on a macroeconomic level looks at the national economy (GNP, GDP) and balance of imports/exports.

Scholarship / 'alleviating the financial burden' - How will this scholarship help you? [3]

Hello strawberry,
Interesting goal you have. Reading the prompt, I felt you could strengthen your essay by being more specific! My wording suggestions are in italics and questions in CAPS:

Prompt: Describe (in 300 words or less) how the scholarship would help you achieve your goals and describe the major you plan to pursue at our university, as well as your activities and interests."

It is interesting to know things like(do you mean "understand"??) outside influences (add that[i]??) that alter the foundation of a memory. Constantly delving into brain processes (WOULD HELP IF YOU COULD BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW YOU DELVED INTO BRAIN PROCESSES - GIVE AN EXAMPLE) coupled with constantly analyzing others (WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS? ANALYZING OTHERS IS A BIG GENERALITY WITHOUT SPECIFICS. BTW - you used "constantly" twice) sparked my interest towards a psychiatric career path. I yearn to one day become one (CLARIFY IF YOU INTEND TO BE A PRACTICING PSYCHIATRIST AND RESEARCHER??) because it contains the best of both worlds: using past research to efficiently assist a client and using, or doing, current research to further understand the complexities of the brain. Going to University of ******* and majoring in biology will expose me to on-the-job situations (HOW WILL BIOLOGY EXPOSE YOU TO ON-THE JOB SITUATIONS??)and build a base for my career.

"While at the university, my alleviated financial status (THIS TERM ALLEVIATED IS NOT OPTIMAL - HOW ABOUT REWORDING - "this scholarship will enable me to"

SUGGEST THAT YOU ORGANIZE THE ACTIVITIES YOU LIST TO PROVIDE A COMPREHENSIVE PROFILE (community work, tutoring (what subject) kids (what age) and what exactly you will do in the Forensics program.)

"All of these activities I plan on participating in are leading me down a path to becoming a successful individual during my stay at ******* and in the future. My opportunities are endless (THIS IS TOO GENERAL, BE SPECIFIC WHAT OPP'TY YOU WANT TO REACH) with the help of this scholarship.

Undergraduate / 'fascinated by the world of economics' - AUBG essay [2]

Heavily over-weighted coverage of your past achievements and career ambitions. Instead of listing this broad spectrum, better to spend more space on what you consider your most significant achievement or skill, the most meaningful prize you won (in music, dance, art, sport, math, physics - pick one or two.) or...


example of exceptional people or experience.

I did not find any coverage on the prompt (nothing on global perspective, very little on social responsibility.)
"How an AUBG education will broaden your global perspective and cultivate your capacity for social responsibility.": s

Graduate / 'to help my home country Nigeria' - SOP for MSc PETROLEUM ECONOMICS [3]

Great name, Mr. Success.
Your SoP exhaustively covers your intended STUDY ambition but does not address the second half of the prompt (your most outstanding non-academic achievement involving other people where you demonstrated leadership potential.) You don't need to spend so much space citing the courses you took, better to devote it to your most significant achievement i.e. application of what you learnt and want to further study.


HOW DID YOU APPLY THE METHODS TO BUS DEVELOPMENT, INVESTMENT GOALS OR APPRAISALS, NEGOTIATION, ADVISORY (to what??)


BREAK UP THIS SENTENCE, IT IS WAY TOO LONG.


THIS IS BETTER WORDED IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.


DO YOU MEAN TO HAVE AN INTERNATIONAL CAREER?
IS YOUR CAREER GOAL TO BE AN ECONOMIST (do research,) FINANCE AND INVESTMENT OR IN MANAGEMENT? HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF CONTRIBUTING TO NIGERIA. I WOULD THINK THIS IS A KEY CRITERIA FOR OBTAINING THE SCHOLARSHIP WHICH I DID NOT READ ANYWHERE IN YOUR SOP.

Graduate / 'interest in electronics' - SoP for IT MSc Degree [3]

(As it was not stated, I assume you have an undergrad degree in IT.)
Whilst at a glance the SoP reads smoothly, it could use some specifics and personalization:


WHY IS THIS THE BEST PATH, WHAT SOCIAL PROGRESS (as you mention doctorate goals at the end.)


WHAT TECH EXPERTS, WHAT INTENSE RESEARCH INTERESTS WHICH EXTENDS FROM TECH TO BUSINESS ? What, besides embedded computers, is <> renowned for? Any specific profs you want to study or work with? Any Finnish IT co. that particularly impresses you?


IS IT NECESSARY TO REPEAT THE POINT IN TWO SENTENCES?


Your close leaves me half-satisfied. Besides earning the degree, how will you contribute to <>? What makes you the grad student they want to admit?


INaddition

Letters / 'the finest person with whom I had worked' - LOR in Supply Chain Mgt [2]

The letter comes across as too flowery to be credible. Based on what you list the candidate is strong enough not to need this. What would help more is the following:

1) you might want to mention your own credentials, position and what your company does.
2) I did not find this an impressive opening:


Better use the space to cite good examples of "incredible initiative and a strong dedication" and state what he did to get promoted from starting position to team leader.

3) Aside from research and analysis, what was his key achievement? Some unique trait and more personalization would help. I still was not convinced by what you wrote at the end :


Why is he one of the finest ?

Writing Feedback / 'the inexorable march of science and technology' - my GRE issue essay [3]

HI Shiniga,
My overall takeaway from your essay:
1) Topic is interesting
2) You need to watch out for your tenses (subjunctive - would vs will) and singular plural verbs.
3) Stumbled over these sections:


- what do you mean "treated as it being inaccurate??" what is "it"? the existing theories or the term? classify the term... and then treating "it" gets convoluted. Would it be clearer to simplify and state that "to classify the term... as inaccurate" and just remove the intermediate "treated as it"

4) Work on your closing paragraph. It lacks the punch in conclusion. Break up the sentence and get the tenses sorted out. Do you mean to say that information remains factual until proven wrong? And every know theory can be disproven because of... give a specific example of relentless progress in scientific research.


"A lot of room for improvement' is weak, as is "a lot of changes to happen"

Essays / Pros & cons of separation vs. divorce (input on the subject) [14]

Divorce is certainly not funny. The debate of separation vs. divorce is an excruciatingly painful one, not to be made fun of or belittled. Some folks try to see cup as half full (vs. half empty.) Writing fiction is a form of therapy - to assuage the pain of debating a divorce. The question asking for feedback (on the plot or novel narrative) was posed to help my aunt (at her behest) to get started on the exercise of writing fiction.

Did not mean to leave you hanging in suspense, Rajiv. Nor did I have the time to enter into lengthy explanations and elaboration of my examples (metaphors etc.) - sorry.

Essays / Pros & cons of separation vs. divorce (input on the subject) [14]

Apples, my BAD - shoulda been functions (see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inverse_function#Self-inverses)
Look at the imagery in the graphs and go into the subcon to intuit the male and female aspects in the forms. Then interpolate time and life events onto the function (in some numeric form of heavy/light, strong/weak) to get an idea of what I mean.

As for beginning with the end in mind, that refers to the ideal end-state. This very much depends on one's subjective starting position. If you see male/female as being two sides of the same coin, then actually separation or divorce is irrelevant (especially if you have kids.) If you see male/female as separate beings, then separation and divorce are actually the same thing as well. That is what I meant by inverse functions.

Hope this answered your Q, Raj.

Shaugna, thanks for very good input. Your last paragraph was a ripper (good in aussietalk!!)

Letters / I am very impressed by the significant responsibilities YPP offers - Cover Letter [United Nations] [5]

If it is an online form, you can just click on the arrow and choose from what is available i.e. title would have Mr. Mrs. etc - that title is YOUR title, not the person you are addressing. What information specifically couldn't you find on the website?

Undergraduate / "I can meet the academic challenges of American" reasons for transferring and goals [3]

Hi Mr. Low,
Other than looking for better academics in general, write abit about why business. Have you already taken business courses? Add in something about the business program you are applying to (in the specific university.) The app comms won't be impressed with just a generic comm app about why you want to transfer to the US (for democracy in schooling.) You will have to show more of yourself as a person. Talk about what you learnt from you dad working on the oil plantation. Did you ever hlep him? What made him successful (besides hard work) - what inspires you the most?

And SPECIFICALLY how is this answered by the school you are applying to? Give examples! Talk about specific curriculum or professors that you want to take classes from.

Essays / Pros & cons of separation vs. divorce (input on the subject) [14]

Hey Rajiv, I really value your input and your imagery is awesome. Help me out here - are you analogizing about divorce or marriage - my prompt was about divorce versus separation. I realize it may be between a rock and a hard place (or hell vs. heller as you obtusely put it) but there must be a soft spot somewhere. Imagine, divorce invokes legal issues like division of property or assets, whereas separation only requires separate lives, loves, distance. And allows for reconciliation under somewhat more congenial (hopefully) circumstances. Perhaps even beginning anew. I see separation as the ideal status; akin to not marrying in the first place, however difficult it may seem. Starting with the end in mind would appear wiser (in hindsight) although I can understand that the biological clock dictates marriage for child-birthing.

Discounting reproductive considerations, it is akin to an inverse equation.

Writing Feedback / The importance of natural resources (forests, animals and clean water) [16]

It would help strengthen your essay if you provided more specifics (percentages and cite your sources.) Conventional conclusions means you could have plagiarized from any source i.e. not original thinking. If it is, then you need to convince the reader that you came up with the conclusion on your own. Authenticity is what your essay lacks.

Undergraduate / "Buzzing is what I do for pleasure" - MIT short answer [3]

I realize that you feel this is engaging but really, your wrap-up last sentence did not leave me impressed. Imagine, most people applying to MIT most likely are the fastest "buzzers" like yourself. So what makes you special? (not "I often interrupt to answer before the question is finished.") I hope you can provide a more compelling recapitulation of what is special about you as a fast buzzer./...??)

Poetry / My debut poem about "Love." [2]

I have to be blunt here - the last line of your poem left me flat out - it was a cliche and I do not believe that helps to make your poem original and impactful! Is that what you intended? Ultimate wonder is not the imagery of your earlier poetry.

Undergraduate / The wackiness of me and my roommate - Stanford supplement roommate essay [3]

Is this how you talk to your friends (who may or may not live with you?) If so , GREAT!!
I personally had the reaction that it came across very "formal" and crafted. You are writing somewhat of a "want ad " here - for your prospective roommate and prospective university. Is this what you want to convey about yourself personally? You have no other "stage" to do this so use it well!!

Good luck!!

Graduate / Business Administration - MBA Essay for FIU [2]

What was the prompt please? Was it why you want to apply for an MBA? If so, you need to decide how much of the essay (*if there is word limitation) you want to devote to explaining what you currently do. I would suggest *(IMHO) that you spend more word space SPECIFICALLY on why the MBA will help you further your career (vs. serve as an example to your chidren.)

Letters / I am very impressed by the significant responsibilities YPP offers - Cover Letter [United Nations] [5]

1) Your CV title should be Resume (or curriculum vitae)
2) No need for Mr/Mrs etc. I don't see what you mean by mathematician in the last 2 rows. Titile of the program (obviously) is the YPP.

3) If the first 2 paragraphs you wrote are correct (and factual), then they are fine - even if copied from a website. However, beware of having copied everything (the last paras as well) as in the end you will not have made a strong impression as a real person (what makes you YOU!!.)

Writing Feedback / The importance of natural resources (forests, animals and clean water) [16]


Hi there - your conclusion is totally expected and conventional. You might strengthen it by providing more specifics on how you arrived at this conclusion i.e. what exactly are the statistics about young children recovering from illness by spending time with animals etc. (cited above.)

Likewise about your second point on water:

Essays / Pros & cons of separation vs. divorce (input on the subject) [14]

HI Rajiv,
Actually no, I did not intend to mock marriage. I was hypothesizing that between marriage and divorce, separation was a preferred state of being together. You have no idea what is REALLY THERE anyway as you do not know whose eyes I am gazing into, much less what I see as successful in life. Perhaps sustaining a failed marriage by being separated is a far higher state of being (interbeing) than divorce. Living separately in peace (if not harmony) could also qualify as a higher state of being.

And I have no idea how what you posted previously had any relevance to the question posed. Peace. And chill man~!!!! No mud, no lotus!!

Graduate / State of Purpose for applying PhD in Epigenetics [4]

Epigenetics is such a cool specialization. This came best in this section of your SOP which is really the "meat" or substance in your essay. But I was confused by all the professor names you mentioned and the sequence in which they were introduced. You might want to edit and better organize this paragraph so your passion for the epigenetics of pituitary tumorigenesis comes out clearly and easily. Then you can mention your special skill in microRNA research and give a specific example of what you did in your final year B.S. project on pineapple fruit stages. BTW, aren't you attaching the various prof's letters of recommendation in your app? So no need to quote their comments here in the SOP:

I suggest you focus and flesh this out. You could even begin your essay with Dr. Ezzat's quote and build your essay around that. Explain why "shedding light" on the pituitary adenoma is so meaningful to you:

"1 in 5 individuals may have an abnormal growth on their pituitary gland, causing significant health complications that, if left undiagnosed and untreated, can impair normal hormone function and result in a reduced lifespan."

I wish you a successful continuation Hadi!!

Scholarship / The British Council to Help in my Studies? - IELTS scholarship [15]

Hi again Nhung,
Before providing grammar and spelling corrections, can I repose my suggestion for you to include a good example which presents you as a person? This can be something personal (slice of life) or a short recap of formative practical (or work) experience that made you like accounting.

Also, the rewrite seems to be over 250 words. So I agree with Neeta's suggestion of editing to be more concise.

Writing Feedback / The sense of competition in children: co-operate rather than compete? [5]

Please spellcheck the word "Cooperate" - which is consistently misspelled. It does not need to be hyphenated. Spaces go behind (.) periods, not before them.

Scholarship / what is the importance of expanding professional networks to develop your country? [7]

I think the question is asking about networking (meeting other professionals in your field) and how it can help your country progress in whatever professional field you are applying to.

Letters / Master Programme in Mechanical Engineering -letter of motivation / Swiss student visa [3]

Letter is good, very little misspellings (corrected below with suggested wording in red.) Could you add some specifics about classes or professors you want to study with at ETH?

Writing Feedback / Ships Ahoy -- floundering marriages [25]

(This thread is getting pretty hard core amongst you gentlemen. I am compelled to present the opposite sex's POV here.Please excuse the intrusion Lawllll!!)

What I first posted (and lost in the Great Eternal Nether-virtual land where no Firefox BACK button can retrieve) was to ask Rajiv if the analogy of climate difference between civilizations (northern western cool vs. Indian southern hot) was how he/you perceived the evolution of the marriage institution in the West?


From your first essay, there were some excellent attempts at "enlightened" understanding:


This was one-sidedly negative. It would help to also examine what "we" are doing right and doing consciously despite the "turbulent waters beneath and all that lurks there" to present a balanced perspective. However, this glimmer of balanced enlightenment faded fast as the essay became more one-sided and more negative:


What is "over" abundance - compared to what?


Marriage is a legal contractual status of mutual dependency, mutual sharing of property and responsibilities. Traditionally, women have accepted this with much more at stake (i.e. dependency) than men up to now. I don't see how you can imply that only men protect the family. So this is where your essay failed to deliver a strong closing argument. It just ends in nowhereland.

This lopsided perspective was confirmed (and exacerbated) in your personal post of today. I do not mean to denigrate you in any way, nor is this meant to be male-bashing. At worse, please consider this as an open dialogue with a female help columnist. At best, I hope this exchange can shed some "light" on your suffering or serve as gentle psychotherapy.

My feedback on your story is that clearly, you feel insecure... because:
1) your wife's career is surpassing yours
2) the prospect of dependency is daunting to say the least. Not only are you negative about your wife, you are highly distrustful. Do I detect some hostility rearing its ugly head here:


3) she is not dependent on you. It sounds like she has family in the US and does not need to return to India where traditional male supremacy and female dependency may overrule/override and obliterate her career prospects. Do you feel insecure because you do not have this option and if you did, what would you do?


4) you find housework demeaning...

Some hard questions:
1) why do you have a trust (or distrust) problem? what are the basic signs that you are seeing (another man, less affection from your wife?)

2) have you taken any steps to diagnose the health of your male-female relationship? how is the communication between you and your spouse? Are you good friends, do you enjoy being together, do you laugh and play etc. etc. together?

Some easier questions for you:
1) where would you prefer your girls to grow up?
2) could your job prospects in India provide a better future and overall family well-being happiness for your entire family?