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Posts by pacers7ind
Joined: Nov 16, 2009
Last Post: Feb 17, 2014
Threads: 11
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From: United States of America

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Feb 17, 2014
Undergraduate / Law School Personal Statement: From a Cultural Bubble, to the Larger Cultural World [2]

-I'm currently applying to law school and I appreciate any help, whether small or huge. Thank you in advanced!

I currently live in Davis California, a culturally diverse community, but I spent the first 18 years of my life in Huntington Park California, just outside of Los Angeles. Even though L.A. is often described as a melting pot of cultures and perspectives, I never experienced that. According to the most recent census, the population of Huntington Park is 97% Hispanic, making it one of the, if not the, least diverse cities in the nation. As a result, my community was shaped almost entirely on the singular Hispanic customs and traditions. This exposed me to only one perspective that was never challenged. With it carried certain cultural assumptions about society. One of the most notable characteristics of my community is its negative assumptions towards the legal system and authority figures, since, the first-generation immigrants that live in Huntington Park had been exposed to corruption, in Mexico. They imposed similar culturally driven perspectives upon coming to the U.S. I carried those assumptions throughout much of my life.

Through much of my freshmen year at UC Davis, I felt as if there was a cultural barrier between me and others and that discourage me from being involved in extracurricular activities. The new environment was out of my cultural comfort zone and suppressing my ability to progress in the city of Davis. I realized that Davis was my new life; and adjusting was a new challenge I now faced.

During my sophomore year, I volunteered to help organize Ron Paul's presidential rally at UC Davis because it presented two opportunities: working with the Davis community, and challenging my singular perspective. Even though I have made numerous phone calls, the few times that I dialed the phone number of Ron Paul's campaign staff, the dial tone was a constant reminder of this overwhelmingly new and exciting experience; because I had never been involved in such an event in Huntington Park. In my hometown, the people largely associate with the Democratic Party, however, by participating in a Republican rally, I showed myself opposing viewpoints, along with their unique interpretations, on many issues that my community strongly supported, such as immigration reform. Soon, organizing the rally gradually adjusted my perspective because I understood the world beyond Huntington Park, significantly better.

In preparing for the rally, I was in charge of promotion, and I created various political pages, some attracting thousands of subscribers, to promote the event. The various perspectives of the subscribers increased my perception of perspectives beyond the Davis community and my time promoting, turned into a valuable learning experience. Through learning from the diverse set of political opinions, as well as working collectively with the Davis community, the barriers, which my single sided perspective created, were eroding and adjusting; I no longer saw discouragements justifiable.

My newfound commitment of adjusting myself to new challenges sparked my realization that I can apply it to other aspects of my life. During my junior year, I shifted my academic priorities and increased my workload, in an attempt to learn more concepts than I had previously known because I wanted to further develop my perspective. At that time I felt as if I by putting myself in an academically demanding situation, it would help me adjust to the academic challenges, and understand more concepts than I had previously had before. Through this, I discovered that History served to improve my conceptual understanding of the larger world that shaped my previous one perspective.

From this, my previously held assumptions, including the one about legality, soon took on many viewpoints and I no longer saw it as negatives. My adjustment to my new perspective showed me two things. First, it reassured me the best way to handle a new challenge: through adjusting and adapting to new environments. Most importantly, my adjustment had affirmed my sense of purpose: adjusting Huntington Park to the larger cultural world. I hope my capability to externalize my knowledge towards Huntington Park will help it adjust and challenge itself with new perspectives. From Huntington Park, to Davis, both environments have contributed towards my ever-adjusting perspective, and the study of law will further expand my perception of the larger world. I'm prepared to be challenged by the study of law, and prepared to debate and discuss the challenges that arise in our society, which will help me apply my new outlook of my life, and hopefully have a better understanding of the framework that shapes society and the many perspectives which thrive.
Feb 17, 2014
Undergraduate / Why APU? I researched well on the uni ! [4]

Im going to give you constructive feedback

I think you need to refocus your essay a bit more and find factors that make you want to go to APU rather than things that happened and made you decide. Also, the google example should be changed and give examples that highlight the university relative to yourself.

"What is more, I was astonished hearing that up to 95% of graduates of the university are gaining employment upon graduation
despite of the fact that unemployment rate is extremely high in most countries. Graduates of APU are employing in prestigious
companies and corporations like Mazda Motor Corporation, Panasonic Corporation and so on." Well this applies to other acadmic institutions. Try to show how going there will affect you as a person. Perhaps you can say how going to APU will give you the security you hope for in the future
Feb 17, 2014
Undergraduate / My Brandeis experience; Supplement essay : Why Brandeis? [4]

1. what bout your grandparents in the larger scheme
2. Mention something that makes you UNIQUE when describing Brandies. For example, anything about its geography, anything close to it that relates to law?

Its really solid, just further strengthen the reasons on why its a good choice for you.

I will correct your last paragraph
At Brandeis, the place where there are no limits to my possibilities, my abilities will bloom and growthrough its various... . Not only my outlook on the world will be broaden, what I learn in this college will always be on my way to become a successful pharmacist. How will you being a successful pharmacist apply to the broader world?
Feb 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Reasons of choosing dangerous sports or activity. [9]

I will assit you in your intro

Globally enormous games are played so as various tournaments are organized to give recognition to best players.I suggest restating the first paragraphWell, today people are immensely enthusiastic to play beyond unexceptional games and engross in several dangerous sports and other activities, however the motives of people for choosing dangerous games differ from one to another.The last sentence needs improvement because you dont want to tell the reader what you will be doing directly, maybe something like,"People's motives vary because [ Insert main argument of essay"

Overall, your main weakness comes from your last sentence, and your strength is in how you lead up to it
Jun 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / Cyber-bullying occurs when one party harasses another on-line [2]

This is my first draft, please let me know if there are any organization, structure, evidence, or argument errors. Thank you
Why is it important to work to delete cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying occurs when one party harasses or threatens another party online. It can be a potential threat because the person doing the harm has very little risk of facing repercussions, the victim, however, receives all the harm. It is necessary to work towards stopping cyber bullying because it only affects the victims and this can lead to psychological problems; actions must be taken.

Some may argue that cyber bullying is simply a sensitivity issue, however, although they may be correct to some degree, there are cases where the victim faces unreasonable bullying. For example, a cyber bully can threaten to kill and track down someone he may have been fighting with in a forum. It is only reasonable for any person to see a death threat as credible due to the high risk involved. Whether credible or not, death threats should not be made online because it only makes the victim think he or she will be harmed. This can potentially lead to psychological damages. As a result, there will be people in society who have been psychologically harmed and this could lead to a lack of self esteem throughout their lives.

Cyber bullying is a very ambiguous term because it can be defined even in the simplest events. For example, an online gamer speaking through a headset can simply use profanity to offend a young gamer whom was on his headset as well. Although the majority of adults wont be offended, we are uncertain what age group we may be interacting with online. Also, everyone reacts differently to certain words. For example, some people may find racial slurs as comedic while others may find them offensive. As a result, using words that some may find appropriate may harm others. This uncertainty can cause one to blindly offend someone. As a result, people need to refrain from using words that the majority of the people would find inappropriate.

It is unreasonable to resort to censorship and restrictions to stop cyber bullying because there is no definite characteristics that help detect a cyber bully simply through their online activity. As a result, it is important to work towards education people on the dangers of cyber bullying. One way to accomplish this would be for each state to declare a statewide cyber bully awareness day. This would, at the very least, instill the thoughts of cyber bullying in the minds of those who hear about it. Also, elementary school kids could also be taught the negative effects of cyber bullying through workshops. Last, large social networks hold some degree of obligation to alerting their users that their services can be abused to harm others. Doing this would help perpetuate the thoughts of cyber bullying through society and ultimately make them revise their intended negative acts online.
Jun 22, 2013
Undergraduate / How Art Ins of California-Orange County helps me attain my career goals; COMMON APP [4]

Instad of just saying things that happened in your life, state the significance. For example, you could say " my curiosity and thirst for design kept propelling me to...

You can say that you want to create atmosphere and environments that enrich an experience fo the people using it

You should go beyond saying what you could do but you should say why you could do it. You are desire by a desire of beauty?

Also state how you will give back to the community and the world
Jun 22, 2013
Scholarship / "Like a bird in a cage , you are nothing without a good education" ; SCHOLARSHIP [4]

On the First paragraph, you should outline it like this:
1. What did your grandpa motivate you to do?
2. How?
3. Then use your statistics that you bring up

On your second, you should:
1. Talk about why you left your country
2. It was difficult
3. Your grandpas motivation
4. The result

You can also say in your second paragraph how you wee motivated by everyone and everything you had but you decided to go on that journey so that you can help them one day

A lot of the spelling errors have been corrected already. Good luck! :)
Jan 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / Plaintiff sues defendant;Statement of Facts: Law [2]

I need to know my weaknesses and strengths.
Can anyone please provide feedback?
Thanks in advance!

Bill Thomas, plaintiff, is suing Derek Pomeroy, defendant, for negligence, injuries, damages and compensation for missed work. The Plaintiff damaged his bike, and injured himself outside the defendant's house.

Central Incident
On, January 5, 2010, the Plaintiff was riding his bike on Oaks Street in Hardyville along the sidewalk. He lost control of his bicycle and hit a tree. According to the defendant and the plaintiff, upon hitting the tree, the bike was damaged. The plaintiff was sent to the emergency room and his physician, Dr. Mary Gordon, said that the plaintiff's right arm radius "was broken and his knee was severely lacerated." This made the plaintiff unable to start his new job.

The Cause of the incident
While the plaintiff was riding his bicycle along the sidewalk, he hit an object, which caused him to lose control of his bicycle, and ran into a tree. The plaintiff claims that the rake handle must have hit him in the head and the rake teeth punctured his tire. Witnesses Letitia Johnson and Natalie Urata all claim to have seen a rake at the scene of the crash.

The Placement of the rake
A rake that belongs to the John Forski was seen touching the sidewalk. The Plaintiff said that he saw the rake on the sidewalk after he crashed. Ms. Urata and Ms. Johnson both said that the rake was partly on the sidewalk. Ms.Urata specified that it was "partly on the sidewalk", while Ms. Johnson said it was "half on the sidewalk and half on Mr. Pomeroy's lawn." It exact location of the rake is unclear.

The rake's involvement in the accident
The plaintiff claims that his bike "must have ran across the teeth" of the rake and it caused him to get "clonked" by the handle. All other testimonies mention of seeing a rake. The plaintiff is the only witness to the rake causing the incident.

Alcohol levels in the plaintiff
Prior to the crash, Ms. Urata said that she saw the plaintiff riding his bike on the sidewalk and "weaving slightly." Also, the defendant claims that the plaintiff's smell indicated that the plaintiff had been drinking. Physician, Dr. Mary Gordon, reported that the plaintiff had a "blood alcohol level .07"

Bike condition
The defendant claims that the front bike tire was flat and the frame was "bent up." The plaintiff says that the front tire "was punctured." It is unclear what the condition of the bike or the bike tires was prior to the accident.

The Plaintiff's injuries
In his testimony, the plaintiff claims to have been "clonked" by the rake and says that his head fell sore after. His physician's didn't report any head damage. The plaintiff was admitted into Hardyville County Hospital on January 5, 2006 at 6:40pm. According to his physician, the plaintiff's right arm radius was broken and his knee "severely lacerated."

Visibility during the accident
According to the plaintiff, the incident occurred at "about 6'oclock." The defendant claims "6:07" and Ms. Urata says that it happened "at about six in the evening." The plaintiff claims that when trying to look at the rake, it was "kinda dark at that time." Ms. Urata saw the rake, but her location and time is unknown.
Jan 18, 2013
Essays / Visual Rhetoric essay introduction [4]

You shouldn't tell the reader what you are writing about. The topic seems slightly unclear. I had to read it twice.
your last sentence should be something like "Communist propaganda from Russia and China, in addition to, real time photo-journalism exposing internal civil strife aided the civil rights movement in America." Make your thesis clear
Nov 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / History Intro paragraph: Do I properly state my argument? *Short* [2]

I'm trying to make a few points
1) Western European thought changed over time
2) It was changed by political, social, academic and scientific events.
3) It went away from religion and towards reason
Do I properly formulate a good intro with correct grammar?
Do I make my point across?

The quest for human knowledge throughout Western Europe demonstrates an evolution of ideas that were influenced by political, social and scientific advancements. The curiosity of the natural world facilitated the growth of ideas; these ideas evolved as the centuries progressed. The revival of ancient text facilitated the growth of knowledge. which would lead to an epistemology crisis. This crisis would direct philosophy to skepticism and doubt which would lead to the creation of philosophies based on reason and away from religious doctrines.
Nov 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'working continuously for hours' - i have written a story [4]

Trying use more transitions to make it flow well. The person above me corrected most of what had to be corrected.
All the bad news related to this place started coming in my head because most of the crime takes place on this road. Then my car stopped in the middle of the road. I cursed that car and started sweating. I didn't want to come out off the car but I still had to. I checked the engine, and then I saw a group of boys coming towards me. They crossed but they went ahead and stopped.
Feb 2, 2010
Book Reports / Owen Mean Essay ( AP Lit) [2]

A Prayer For Owen Meany 's theme of religious faith versus doubt is prominent throughout the entire novel. Both Owen and John encounter many odd characteristic for mortals that show to each other that Owen is indeed God's instrument. The events in Owens's life that contribute to the outcome of the book are encountered through the many similarities between Jesus Christ and Owen Meany.

The many religious characteristic leads the reader t easily foreshadow his fate. Owen accidentally kills Mrs. Wheelwright during a game of baseball, and through the novel, it becomes obvious that this death was fate. "He had interrupted the angel of death at her holy work; she had reassigned the task...to him" (Irving 103). During one of Owens visits to Mrs. Wheelwright's room, Owen claims to have disturbed the angel of death and prevented it from killing her. Owen describes the event as "The fated Baseball". This is one of the first signs that Owen is God's instrument. This is fate's way of dealing with her escape from death.

Owens shares similar characteristics with Jesus Christ. Both attempted to draw on followers just as Owen did with John. Owen believed that "coincidence was a stupid, shallow refuge". In contrast, as a child, John has no particular religious beliefs or faith. He learns to believe in God through Owen's seemingly miraculous life and death. Owen becomes the director of the Christmas pageant, it becomes apparent that he has a large influence over the play just as Jesus had over humanity. " A GREAT ACTOR DOESN'T NEED TO TALK" . It is ironic that during the Christmas pageant, Owen places himself in the role of the man who sacrifices himself for humanity. " I CAN FIT IN THE CRIB". As Owen take the role of Jesus, John take the role of Joseph. It becomes obvious that John is a not a doer. Everyone is getting a role in the birth of Jesus and it reflects the type of people they are. Joseph is witness to the miracle of Jesus and John is witness to the miracle of Owen. The book quotes Owen in capital letters because Owens voice is irritating due to the fact that eh is always right. Prophets are irritating and Owen is indeed a prophet. At Owens burial, a Sunday school student recalls how light Owen was " He was so light- he weighed nothing at all". Owen weighed so light because God already had his hands on Owen. " Now I know why you had to be there, Owen said to me ' Do you see why'? He asked me "knew this was inevitable. Everything that happened matched up to that one day.
Jan 26, 2010
Writing Feedback / Evolution of Federalism [2]

In essay format, discuss The current state of the Federalism and its evolution in America

The word federalism is not seen in the constitution; however, through the many years in history, federalism has gradually evolved to be practiced by the United States government.

Before the national government was the supreme power of the land, American federalism leaned towards dual federalism. The founding father had no interest in establishing a federalism government, however, the government has increasingly moved towards federalism. It became difficult t govern 18th century Americans because people were widely dispersed, and the country's communication and transportation services were difficult to govern from a central location. This inevitably led them to construct a federal system of government. The only problem was finding out who will prevail when disputes between the federal and state governments arise. The delegates provided an answer with the supreme clause. The supreme clause states that the constitution, laws of national government, and treaties are the supreme law of the land. Because of this, all judges are required to obey the U.S. constitution over anything else. In addition, the Supreme Court established supremacy of the national government over the state governments in the court case "McCulloch v. Maryland", thus moving the country towards federalism. The federal government gained more power through "Gibbons v. Ogden", where the Supreme Court gave Congress the power to regulate interstate commerce. This strengthened the national government by giving it authority over the state governments.

Through this movement towards federalism, the state governments have now been increasingly obligated to work with one another. The full faith and credit clause, extradition, and privileges and immunities all require the states to corporate with one another to fulfill the duties not don't by the federal government. Today we have cooperative federalism where powers and policy assignments are shared between states and the national government. Through this federalism system, it has become easier for political participation and the states have now become policy innovators.
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell ILR (Essay) [2]

Would some one look at my Cornell supplement essay?

School of Industrial and Labor Relations:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. In your essay please address how the ILR curriculum will help you fulfill these interests and your long-term goals.

I have only answered the bold part of the question

Its my first draft so be completely honest.

thank you I appreciate any advice or help

Just like many Americans, I was caught by the wave of patriotism following September eleventh. After the attacks, I began seeing my country as the best country in the world. But one day I stopped to ask myself, "what made this country so great". I had not known my countries history other than the historical references made in pop culture. I gained an interest in watching the history channel and I did learn some important historical events however, I still did not see why the United States was so great. When I began my junior year, I was enthusiastic to take advanced placement United States history because I knew it would open up new topics in my country's history. Once I began learning about the gilded age, post civil war era, I was fascinated by how there was so much tension and disputes between the workers and the giant monopolistic companies. As well as how the negotiations between unions and managers leads to progress in the work force. The progress made with labor unions such as going from radical unions to progressive ones, such as Samuel Gompers American Federation of Labor really showed me how our country ahs progressed. During the same time I was taking this class, the 2008 presidential election was under way. I did my best to keep up with every bit of election news and all I would hear is about layoffs, jobs being shipped over sees, and the current economic crisis. I saw a clear connection; the work force is directly related to the growth of our nation. A stronger work force leads to economic progress and with the economic progress, our country gains international power. The progress made during the gilded age allowed the United States to grow as an economic giant and now we need that economic progress during the current economic crisis.
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / applying for Vassar on ED2, "The poem recital" [6]

Do not use the poem in your essay.
As in don't recite it!

"Try not to quote books, magazines or publications and make it sound like I had only read them so I could put them on the statement

Not lie outright and stay as close to the truth as possible"

Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "How can I contribute in the community" - Short Answer [10]

You should use positive words!
Example: I have strong academic interest in both Business Administration and computer Engineering. I will challenge intellectually to become a global leader after I graduate from UW. I hope You really cant use strong words here because then it sounds as if you're positive you will be accepted to fit in the criteria what the UW community wants to desire from me.

aguafria22 beat me to it but just use positive words

hope it helps :]

good luck!

PS address the college by its full name in an essay " University of Washington "
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Short Response (Why Brown) [6]

Include " I am certain that the students and staff will contribute to my personal growth at Brown University"
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears [6]

Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.)
Inspired by Kelly Kennedy, a fourth-year in the College.

I feel as if I'm not answering it correctly.
maybe I should move the
"That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears" towards the end.

Criticize, make fun of it, edit, laugh at it , kill it

Any comments are greatly appreciated.

During my sixth grade year, I heard so much about the post 9/11 "terror threats". At the time, I never expressed a keen interest in constantly watching the news, however, I had a longing desire to find out what was going on in the world. One afternoon, my televisions set was tuned to CNN, so I decided to take some time to hear about this "terror threat". To my surprise, I sat in front of my television set more than I intended to. All the killings, bombings, and dangers had me in a state of fear. That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears.

I soon found myself dramatically impacted by these fears. I would refuse to get on an airplane, I was wary of going inside a sky scrapper and at one point I even had the fear of going on public transportation. As the days went by, I actively watched the news and kept up with current events. The fears grew and the media intensified them. Although exposed to politics at a young age, I would not listen to both sides of an argument. I would believe anything I would hear. The massive wave of patriotism that followed the post 9/11 era gave me a mentality that America was the greatest country on earth. I worried for my country's security and I began to suspect everything as being threat to America. However, I saw a news story about a Muslim family being suspected terrorist based on their ethnicity, and then I realized the post 9/11 hysteria might not be what it seems. At that point I quickly realized that I failed to recognize that the wave of patriotism made the United States denounce anything foreign. I had a Muslim friend who would, be called "terrorist" by the children in school and even thought it first started as a joke, the name soon stuck with him. I saw how he disliked the name and it made me wonder if Muslim American are being treated worst than name calling. I began to see the world in a new light, with discrimination, and wars.

Being caught by the 9/11 fears brought me closer to the real world, I recognized that at times the Even thought I left my fears, they have made me who I am today. I now constantly keep up with current events but now analyze the situation instead of being drawn by fear. My exposure to the law and politics of the perceived post 9/11 era at a young age, allowed me developed a deep passion for politics. I have learned that there are multiple opinions and viewpoints about a subject contrary to my own. Today I am still patriotic, however I look abroad to improve the world rather than to think the US as the greatest country.
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay! "political science" [2]

Describe your interest, their evolution, and what makes enthusiastic to you. How will you use our academic programs to further you interest in your field of study.

Its my first draft and I find second paragraph to be very weak!
Would someone give me ideas or suggestions?
I would greatly appreciate anyone's contributions
I don't think I make my aspirations as clear as I should
thank you in advance.

As product of generational poverty, I have inherited a unique perspective towards the world that have shaped my life and strengthened my commitment to improve the lives of others. I was in fourth grade when the 9/11 terrorist attacks occurred. It changed my view of the world from a wonderful place to the harsh realities of the world. At the same time, I began hearing of depression accounts, from poverty to murders. I have always wanted to improve the lives of many people as well as society, but I did not know how I would accomplish this. The question was how such consciousness would manifest itself into action.

My participation in the city of X student's government day opened up a new way of thinking. The first time I saw what goes on behind the big brown doors of city hall, I saw the most powerful people in the city of X and I was exposed to the power players in X. I realized that they play a larger role in the city. Those in city hall have the power to control the city's policies and create social change. I soon realized that with politics, it is possible to solve problems at the domestic, and international level. Soon I applied my knowledge of local politics on a larger scale. I would watch the new and try to formulate solutions to a domestic and global problem. The nature of politics on an international scale became a fascination to me and it had me realize that reactions and interactions of government could affect humanity. My ambition to become a politician dramatically increased when I would hear of such cases where politicians would be corrupt. I want to be a politician doing what a politician does and not stealing money. That is a problem of today society, some politicians do not think about their constituents , they rather cater to special interest. Issues like this hurt our cities and our country.

Ever since I realized these possibilities, I developed a deep and abiding love for politics. Politics is my form of communication and has made me an open minded individual. I express my opinions without any reservations, and I have learned that there are always different opinions and viewpoints contrary to my own. And with the knowledge of both view points, it is possible to formulate solutions to a problem.

With my active engagement in the political system, I hope to eventually play a role in dictating the principles at work behind the decisions in my community, state or country. The College of Y will allow me to enrich my knowledge in politics and government. The College of Y faculty includes national and international leaders in their respective disciplines which will allow me to learn from those with experience. The high-quality education in the School of Arts and Sciences would allow me to expand my interests and further explore related fields in government in a rural environment. Through government and politics, I will definitely take the path to fulfill my goal. I have no doubt that the students and faculty at Y University will contribute to my growth as an individual and politician. My purpose in life is to change the pattern of this world for the better inspire others.
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Organization, coalition building, and public policy - UC #1 - Political Science [3]

My interest in political science developed more as an evolution of conscience than a premeditated career choice. I had explored the possibility of many other career paths, from psychology to pediatrics, non-profit business to teaching; I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others but I could not decide which direction to go in. When I stumbled upon the world of political activism, however, I immediately realized that this was where I belonged all along.

A product of generational poverty, I have inherited a unique perspective of experience that shapes my life and strengthens my commitment to improve the lives of others. I have witnessed the realities of hunger, sub-standard schools, dismal living conditions, and the debilitating sense of helplessness that accompanies the disadvantaged. As I grew older, I began to develop an understanding and awareness that awakened me to reality that my struggle is far from unique. Unlike so many others, however, I have had the opportunity to break free from the culture of poverty in which I have been immersed for the majority of my life. GOOD SO FAR, YOU STAY FOCUSED

It was not until I moved back to my hometown of Orlando after several years, that I would find my passion in political science.try SAYINGSOMETHING LIKE " iT WAS UNTIL i MOVED BACK TO MY HOMETOWN OF CHICAGO, AT THE TIME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELETION, THAT i WOULD... In fact, it was during the presidential campaigns of 2008 as I was canvassing through neighborhoods and talking to the people of my city that I discovered a sense of community that I had never felt before. As I went house to house, I spoke to single mothers struggling to make ends meet, elderly people forced to choose between medication and food, and the countless families who had lost their jobs and now faced the reality of foreclosure. It was in hearing the personal stories of those nameless people who I encounter every day without a second thought that I realized that my struggle is their struggle and their struggle is mine.I KEEP UP WITH POLITICS AND THIS SOUNDS AS IF A POLITICIAN (OBAMA) SAID THIS, TRY MAKING IT SOUND DIFFERENT I finally understood the interconnectedness of it all and it was in that moment that I decided that I would dedicate my life to improving the lives of those left marginalized by their government.

Upon discovering that my future would lie in the political spectrum, I have been given opportunities to attend training in political activism, leadership, grassroots organizing, coalition building, and public policy. For the past year I have worked with Amnesty International which has provided me with indispensible training and experience. Through Amnesty International, I have been able to raise awareness on my campus of human rights abuses across the globe and in our own community. I have been able to work with numerous local organizations to campaign for local issues such as immigrant rights, domestic violence, poverty, and equal rights for the LGBT community. eLABORTAE MORE, I FEEL AS IF YOU'RE TELLING NOT SHOWING

I am disheartened by these injustices that leave so many disenfranchised and helpless but I am inspired by hope for a better world - so I will work to obtain the education and experience necessary to educate, mobilize, and strengthen my community. Since the founding of this country, community organizers have made huge waves of change and with my passion, drive, and determination I intend to do the same.
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / my sophomore year final report card - Common app/ UC essay [6]

Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.

Proper tutoring is something my school lacks.
I want to explain that I go to a horrible school where students aren't given the attention they should be given and the teachers ( at least the majority) aren't enthusiastic to teach. I don't think I'm getting my message across as effectively.
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / USC Essay - Relfect on a Challenge: Surfing [3]

Your essay catches my attention from the start.
Last year I was in a USC program and they told me not to mention the quote that goes with the prompt like you did in the beginning.

I think you need to elaborate more on how you will apply it to life in the last paragraph.
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / my sophomore year final report card - Common app/ UC essay [6]

Thank you!

but I want to have a stronger ending

It surprises me how a simple grade made me who I am today; a helpful individual. If I had not received the C in math analysis, I would have not developed that attitude. If given the opportunity again, I feel that I can achieve a better grade with proper help. At the end of the day I feel a sense satisfaction knowing that I contributed to someone's success and when everyone is able to succeed, society improves as a whole. "

I was thinking of fixing the last sentence.
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / my sophomore year final report card - Common app/ UC essay [6]

I'm talking about an event that changed my life.

May someone please help me make it sound stronger and clearer.

I would greatly appreciate it if someone would do this

It's been over a year and a half, but those seemingly insignificant letters on my transcripts were burned into my memories. I had vigorously studied for many weeks to prepare for my math analysis final, so I was eager to receive my report card. When it finally came in the mail, I rushed to open it. To my disappointing surprise, I received a C. I had expected a higher grade but receiving a C brought great disappointment. Perhaps if my school had more tutoring sessions, I would have received the help I needed. It's rare when my school offers tutoring and when they do, it isn't publicized to the student body as efficiently. Ever since that day, I realized the lack of help available in my school and I decided to take up leadership roles in order to make sure I help others who are in my situation.

During my junior year, I wanted to make sure that I gave the underclassmen the help I wish I would have had and I accomplished this through the Technology and Design preparation small learning community. I have been president for both my junior and senior years and during my junior year, I worked with teachers to organize and prepare successful tutoring session which took place during school and after school. Seeing struggling students succeed academically encouraged me to do more than this. In order to make help wide spread, I tried motivating most of my friends to join the Link Crew program which I joined my senior year. Link Crew pairs up the upperclassmen with the lower class men in order to help improve their grades. The majority of those who I tried motivating eventually joined and I felt as progress was being made. Thorough Link Crew, I monitor a group of student's grades, and when their grades begin dropping, I make sure I discuss their grades with them. By being involved helping others, I slowly developed a helpful attitude towards everyone. I began offering help to anyone who needed it, whether it is a classmate, a neighbor or a teacher. Since I never truly had support or help when I was growing up, I enjoy helping others so they can better themselves. My involvement has made my community recognize me as a helpful individual. Many of my peers often contact me when they are in need of support and some teachers ask me for assistance when ever they need it. I slowly became the person everyone turned to when there are conflicts or mix ups. At times I am called a "peace maker" by my friends because I help class mates end disputed arguments. I now try to inform my classmates of what goes on in my school, that is why I have chose to become the homeroom representative my senior year. It is my responsibility to inform my class about senior events but I have taken a step further. When ever I hear about tutoring sessions, community service opportunities or scholarship opportunities I make sure I announce it to my homeroom class.

It surprises me how a simple grade made me who I am today; a helpful individual. If I had not received the C in math analysis, I would have not developed that attitude. If given the opportunity again, I feel that I can achieve a better grade with proper help. At the end of the day I am filled with an enduring sense of fulfillment knowing I contributed to ones success.
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Dreams and Aspirations ( UC Prompt ) [3]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Opportunity, a better life and hope are the reasons my parents left Mexico in order to start a new life in the United States. My life took a dramatic turn the day my parents explained to me their poverty-stricken childhoods. It made me realize the unique laws, economic opportunities, and political views of different countries. At a very young age I realized that opportunities vary throughout the world. At seven years old, I remember sitting with my mom every night watching the news and being introduced to these depressing accounts other are experiencing throughout the world. I developed an understanding of the harsh realities of life. As I grew older, I became accustomed to these concepts until my history classes integrated a political aspect to them. This has made me realize that progress can be made to better the lives of people, which is made infinitesimally easier with hard work, and a college education.

My advanced placement world history class opened up new ways of thinking. A political mindset creates progress. I found a solution to these accounts of the world; the answer was politics. Through politics I can fix problems and open up opportunities to others. Ever since then I developed a deep and abiding love for politics. Politics is my form of communication and has made an open minded individual. I express my opinions without any reservations, and I have learned that there are always different opinions and viewpoints contrary to my own. And with the knowledge of both view points, it is possible to formulate solutions to a problem. By being involved in my community, I make my voice heard every time an issue concerns me. I have been involved in the environmental club for three years in order to spread awareness about environmental issues and foster an appreciation of nature. With determination and great concern, I managed to dramatically increase environmental awareness in my school. I now attempt to address and formulate possible solutions to issues that plague our world. I believe I can contribute an earnest viewpoint on almost any subject and support my opinion with integrity and an open mind to conflicting ideas.

I hope to be a part of something that will change the world for the better. History taught me that when there is a problem, someone must stand up and fix it. I hope to teach the future generations that peace is possible by handling conflicts by peaceful means and that we all could live in harmony. The world will always face problems, but it is a challenge I am willing to face. It will not restrict me to strive to make the world a better place.
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 "Operation Iraqi Freedom" [6]

Well here is how I did my UC prompt

I was exposed to the realities of life at an early age (terrorism, deaths, violence etc) --> I realized the world was evil --> I had developed a dream to change the world --> My answer was politics --> Then i talk about how politcs changed the way I am

I made my growth a gradual process.

If youd like go view my thread, I posted my UC prompt; I can use help as well :/

And see how I made it flow some what?

but it will give you an idea
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 "Operation Iraqi Freedom" [6]

First of all I would like to say that I appreciate your fathers bravery to protect our country.

You need to spend more time talking about how you grew from your misfortunes.

You slightly talk about it towards the end
I would say you talk about you problems (50%) and then talk about how you grew (50%)