Undergraduate / "soccer and running" - Princeton Supplement Summer [4]

Hi.

I think you really had a meaningful summer discovering your passion and your role in your own community. From this essay, I can tell that you are a very kind person who likes reaching out to help people to improve and at the same time improving yourself.

I never thought of answering this prompt in the format of an essay and I have already submitted my application last night. mm...

All the best!

G L~

Undergraduate / "a Chinese girl playing on a volleyball team" - Stanford: Intellectual Virtality [7]

Hi.

I think the idea of your essay is great, but your are trying to get to ambitious by talking about two experiences all in this short essay. My suggestion is focus on only one of the experience and explore your inner feeling. I know it is hard to put any one of these down, but it is a choice that all of us have to make sometime.

G L~

Undergraduate / "I'VE BEEN CHASED BY ISRAELI SECURITY GUARDS" - HELP with common app [9]

Hi.

I was literally smiling when I was reading this essay. The essay flows really well and the transitions are smooth. I have to say that your brother is really an interesting kid. I am really impressed by your achievements and your motivations.

However, like others, I think you essay is too long because you are giving too much informations about your brother and too little about yourself. For example, I was looking for more of how you have transformed your love for your brother to the motivation for your community work, and I found that only in the second last paragraph. I think you can make the essay more personal by elaborating more on yourself instead of your brother, and that would mean, sorry to say that paragraph two to four need to be cut.

Once again, I can tell that you are a very nice person with impressive attitudes towards life. Good luck with your applications.

Undergraduate / "Friendly Envy" - Common Application [3]

Hi.

To some degree, the message of this essay is similar to that of mine own. I can totally relate to feeling of having less than what you've expected. I like the way you talked about your feelings, but I think when you mentioned it the second time, you can cut the description short a bit. I think this sentence can be taken out:


I know the girl is kinda very important, but you need not describe everything he has every time. =D

Personally, I would like to know how you think about his losses. Like, when you say "He no longer appreciated trips to a tropical country or the newest Nintendo Ž console. Nothing impressed him anymore, and that took the joy out of his life. What changed him was his mother's death.", how do you think you will feel if that happen to you. The flow of this essay is perfect, but while I was reading it, a lot of the essay is about Mark's life, and not yours. By explaining your own thoughts, however general or insignificant you think they are, you make this essay more personal.

G L~

Undergraduate / "I used to wish you were a better mother" - App Essay [5]

Hi.

Like Reaper1Shi, I think your essay is really unique. Since it is written in the form of a letter, I feels much more personal and authentic. However, I would have to agree with Reaper1Shi that your essay is somewhat too short. I think you can try to expand on this paragraph:


What makes you suddenly think that her "dehumanizing manner" is her way of expressing love? For me, this transition is really subtle. I think you can give us more clue about what she has done to show that she is indeed showing love the way you think she has done.

G L~

Undergraduate / "My Miracle; I set high expectations for myself"- Significant person essay Common App [4]

I think this one is better

G L~

Undergraduate / "My Miracle; I set high expectations for myself"- Significant person essay Common App [4]

Hey~

I hope this reply isn't too late and I will dive straight into the points I want to make. Some parts of my comments are going to be hard, but I promise you that I am starting out from an objective view point. Hope you are fine with it.

I copy your entire essay into my Microsoft word when I read it, and the first thing I realize is that your essay may be a bit too long. Ideally, this essay needs to be around 600 to 700 words, and 830+ is way too many. However, after reading your essay I've found some places where you can trim your essay down a bit.

First, I'd like to comment on your opening imagery. I like the idea of an opening imagery and understand that you want to show more than you tell, but in this case, I think you can cut it because there's more than enough pictures in the body of your essay and I think it does not create any important impression. To be honest, the essay will be stronger without the opening imagery. If I were to write this essay, the first paragraph would be:

From birth, my middle sister was diagnosed with congenital cerebral palsy, a neurological disorder that disabled the function of her mobility and speech skills. At the age of four, I only understood that Jessica could no longer walk, talk, eat properly, or use hand gestures. As she entered the living room, I ran to her and asked, "Did you have a good day at school Jessica?" Although she would never reply, I loved seeing the smile spread across her face as she responded to the sound of my voice. Her handicap became a part of my life that shaped how I see the world. From an early age I took care of her daily medical routines and hospital visits and discovered my role between a boisterous older sister and a sister with special needs. I looked at my family, and my parents' responsibilities of work, children, and medical bills and realized I had to become a silent supporter. I noticed where help was needed and assisted without being prompted. I was born the youngest of three girls, yet I became the middle child.

Another thing I have noticed is that you've mentioned the passing of your sister three times. Although I understand that your sister is important to you, but repeating thing will do no good to your essay. I have not changed the content, wording and any other things that belong to you in my revision, just the little places where I think trimming can be done and will be appropriate. Here it goes:

In retrospect, the room I shared with my two older sisters was laced with medical equipment, but it felt like home. With time I became interested in the shots, meds, feeding tubes and oxygen tanks. The Medicare nurses changed frequently. However, I wanted to make sure that my sister received the right dose for the intended protocol. Independently, I learned to look for the medicine, load it into the machine and make the machine work. At 4:30, it was time for her Albuterol breathing treatment that helped to relieve any possible lung inflammation. At 5:00 I would feed her through her feeding tube. I still remember standing side by side with the doctor as I wrestled to comprehend the precautionus endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) procedure my sister had just underwent. Adults never believed I could master the medical material of my sister's condition, as the information was beyond the ability of a child to understand. But I aspired to become knowledgeable of the procedures and protocols, and I worked hard to learn them. At the age of seven I discovered I could master any information regardless of its difficulties. I had the potential, and all I needed was the drive and curiosity to realize my passion.

Now in my adolescence as I set high expectations for myself with regards to education. It was my sister who initiated my passion for the medical sciences and taught me perseverance. As I now seek to enter the field of clinical medicine and research, I understand that I will face challenges and adversity, but because learned to attack all problems with assiduous determination, I can emerge successful. Although my sister passed when I was ten, I still wish to use my capabilities and my voice to enhance the lives of others. People enter into this field for different reasons, but I am sure that I have chosen to enter to improve the lives of others. Jessica changed my outlook on life, and transformed me into a better person.

I can remember an instance when I was sitting in the cafeteria of UC Davis surrounded by teams of the Special Olympics. I was neither afraid nor judgmental, but touched and reminded of love. In that moment, I imagined that I was surrounded by hundreds of my brothers and sisters. Having a sister with special needs caused me to admire those facing physical and mental adversities. Regardless of what others may think of them, I see promises and potential in their lives. As a child, I decided that I had to love and treat my sister no different than I would have anyone else for her to live an equal and fulfilling life. I never saw my sister as disabled, but instead differently-abled. I now feel it is my responsibility to be the voice of all individuals facing challenging adversities, as it was once my place to be my sister's voice. Although my sister passed when she was fourteen, I still wish to use my capabilities and my voice to enhance the lives of others from different ages and backgrounds. I have this one life to live, and if not lived helping others, than what good is my existence?

I like the way you use in retrospect to create a sense of foreshadowing. It is good.

Overall, I like this essay a lot. Mainly I can feel that everything comes from your heart and there's no sign of any mundane structure that schools have taught me. It is a really meaningful essay and I am sure that the admission officers can feel it. Good luck with your application and in life.

I have to say that there are some grammar errors/inconsistencies that I have notice but cannot help you with, because personally I am bad at grammar. I have to say that your style of writing is very similar to mine, which is rare, since I consider myself neither a bad nor a good writer. lol

The word count is 715. Pretty good~

Undergraduate / Babson Letter- "I am different!" [5]

Hi.

From this essay I can tell that you are a dynamic person. Your essay covers a lot about your habit, your past and your believes. However, I think you need to organize them in order to make the ideas sound coherent. Many sentences needs to be rewritten, such as this one:


I look forward to the diversity of campus life at Babson.

and this one:


on display or the big bold signs that spell S-A-L-E that pulls me toward the store involuntarily.

G L~

Undergraduate / "The Silent Supporter"- my personal statement for the Common Application [5]

Hi.

This essay is really touching. I have read many essays about relatives passing away, but none of them has captured the emotion that you have. I like the way you talk about how your experience at the Special Olympic reminds you of your sister. Everything is in the right places. Also, it is good that you have mentioned your career interests, because personally I find it challenging.

One question though:


The impression that this quote gives me is that you lack curiosity and motivation and you are still looking for them. But I think this is clearly not the case. Do you mean you need the knowledge and resource/power that universities provide to realize your ambition or something?

Sorry about your loss.

The language you use is surprisingly simple. Looking at your essay makes me feel that I am exaggerating my own experience. At this moment, I am struggling with my essays too. Not a good sign =/

G L~

Undergraduate / "First Time; she looks just like you" - significant Essay for University of Miami [6]

Hi.

I you are very brave for writing about the hardest part of your life, you should pat yourself on the back!

I like the part where you imagine the things that can possibly happen if you father is with you. It feels right...

Just a quick note:


How can these be your memory if you have not experienced them at all?

I think what you want to say is something like "the chances are gone".

Undergraduate / "Find X, tarot card readings" - University of Chicago Extended Essay [6]

Hi.

I think this is a very creative attempt at this strange but interesting topic. You ought to pat yourself on the back! The way you use Tarot card to draw parallel to your own life is an amazing idea. It is sort of like, "you ask me strange question, I will give you strange answer." This way, you have already 'gain an upper hand' against the topic before the AO started reading your essay!

However, this essay contain some risk because it may not be a real reflection of your personality. So, you talk about the adventures that the characters of the Tarot card have gone through(?), but on what ground can you say that the traits that each characters have is reflected on you? Their life is awesome, but without having gone through the experience that they have, the claim that your life is just as wonderful is not well justified.

I think you can improve the essay by elaborating on the experience when you are first drawn to Tarot card. What did you choose? Did it really reflected your character? If yes, then how? Give some evidence that can bring more insight about yourself, this will make the essay more personal.

Hope to hear more from you.

G L~

Undergraduate / Superhero Sidekick - Common App Essay #5 [4]

Hi.

After reading your essay, I am really attracted to your personality.


Great person!

You essay flows really well and your use of language is perfect. But, however intangible you want to get, you need some solid evidence to show that your imagination is a valuable trait, and the best way to show it is to demonstrate how it has benefited you personally. In this way, people can relate and understand your feelings towards your imagination and learn more about you.

I like the way you say you want to make people happy. So why not elaborate on how you have made people happy with your imagination? In my opinion, it does not have to turn out to be a happy ending where everyone is laughing or something. Happiness can be something as 'intangible' as your own inner satisfaction. Think about how your imagination has bring satisfaction to you personally may be a good place to start. I like your idea, but I don't see how thoughts can be as important as you have described. Elaborate with some solid evidence can make your essay more impressive.

Hope to hear more from you.

G L~

Undergraduate / Redeeming my Father's past- CommonApp essay [4]

Hi.

I think theme of your essay is very powerful. However, the essay focus a lot on your father, which is not a good sign. The schools want to know more about you, not your father and briefly mention that your father has changed the way you look at your school is not going to work, because your essay is missing out all the important details, your inner thoughts, that cause this newly developed perspective.

My suggestion to you is to cut short the first paragraph where your talk about your father dropping out of school, since you will review this later in the essay anyway, and insert a new paragraph before


so that you can explore your inner thoughts. The flow of your essay is logical, but it lacks some substance that constitutes a good college essay.

Hope to hear more from you.

G L~

Undergraduate / "The Problem of Prejudice" - Common App Essay [7]

Excellent essay!

The essay is well balanced between your observations and your inner thoughts. The entire essay flows naturally, just like a movie.

Just a minor correction.


"That" may be a bit ambiguous here, try to reword it.

G L~

Undergraduate / Let's Crap Detect: Stanford Intellectual Activity Supp [9]

I laugh the crap out of me after reading this essay! Wonderful essay with interesting use of your 'crap detecting' skillz in unexpected areas of your life.

However, I have to say that while the experience in the classroom is relevant, it did not reveal to us how valuable crap detecting skills is. Without this revelation, it is hard to let the reader know how your are actually intellectually engaged. What I would prefer to see is actually the one experience you had that made you "realize" the importance of crap detecting skills. Something like, "how can I get more information out of this" or something. This way we will not only see what crap detecting is all about, but also see your thought processes that make the experience an intellectually engaged one.

Really surprisingly well thought topic. At first I thought it is something about your boring history class. lol

G L~

Undergraduate / Am I really an Indian? - different communities and/or groups [4]

Hi.

This essay is pretty unique. I think what you are trying to say is that although what I do seemed Indian, but it is the little things I do that differentiate me from a 'regular Indian', since I incorporate the strength of different cultures into my daily life. So, you are a good addition to the school because you can incorporate the good things that you see into the original and make it better?

I don't know if this is correct but it just come to me. Try to go along the line if this is what you think.

G L~

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Hi.

This essay is definitely interesting to read. The language and style of this essay is excellent. Transitions between paragraphs are smooth. The entire essay is clear and easy to understand.

However, I think this essay is a little bit 'far' from your own life. However bizarre college essay topic is, I think we'll still have to produce an essay that shows our own personality. The only two times 'you' are brought up in the essay is the part about your aunt and your digital watch. This makes your essay sound much less personal, which I think is something we need to avoid. I think you can improve this by introducing 'you' first in the 'we shall live camp' and make yourself the center of all the observations that you have described. This way you are much more involved. Maybe you can try to squeeze yourself somewhere in the concluding paragraphs too!

G L~

So, this essay is about if we will have to continue our lives without the PC?

Undergraduate / "embroidery, the Chinese Cultural Experence Campus"- my common app [6]

Hi.

I have to say that your essay is surprisingly pleasant to read. The structure, although simple, is clear and easy to understand. The entire essay creates a good atmosphere for the reader to peek into your memories from your perspective.

However, I feel that there's something missing between your conclusion and the body of the essay.


This is a little bit subtle. How did you find it? May be you want to describe the process of you finding the meaning of embroidery, instead of sharing with us the result of your finding right away.


You may want to reword this cuz I can't understand what this mean... Like I have said, the people who come from the background that you did may be able to relate to your feelings, while others may not.

Overall, I like the choice of your essay a lot. I think this essay can be more awesome if you show us more about yourself, as in, your thoughts. Hope to hear more from you!

G L~

Undergraduate / "Another Night on Facebook" - personal quality, talent, experience [6]

Hi.

You essay is both creative and really meaningful. I never knew that a night sitting in front of the computer can change your perspective to the world! If it was me I would probably just be playing computer games and call it a day...

However, some part of the essay may be a little bit hard to understand:


You seemed to have started blaming yourself for no apparent reason and you did not provide any explanation later on in the passage either. This whole thing makes me feel that you are just too hard on yourself and sometimes it may just turn off the reader. What I would would like to see is something about your past, something that you have done to 'deserve' the blame. Some evidence will make the essay not only clearer to read, but also gives insight to your personality. It will allow the reader to know your better before making the decision of your life!

G L~

Undergraduate / "Sticks and Stones" - Common Application Essay for New York University. [7]

Hi.

Your essay has a good start, but I think the ending is a little bit abrupt. There is so much more you can talk about in the third paragraph.


What made you realized this? Talk about your inner struggle, like how you used to feel about the negative comments and what changes you perspective. Personally that is what I am very curious about because it will allow me to see your as a unique person.

Hope to see more from you.

G L~

Undergraduate / Cancer, tumor in brain -- Common App (Significant Exp) [3]


Not at all! This is a really important experience in your life and I am impressed with the way you dealt with this situation. It is really impressive that you did not let this problem hinder you in anyway. You have shown courage in the face of a seemingly life and death situation and it is indeed something to be proud of!

However, that leads to my question: where did you get this courage from? What made your determination so strong that even situation like this can't stop you achieving excellence? Throughout your essay, you have shown us the result of your labor by telling us about the obvious, grades and stuff, which can be reflected in the report card. However, I am unable to understand your thought process, which I think is important as it will help me to identify you as a unique person.

So, I think you may want to add in somewhere the source of your strength to overcome this problem, and that I think will make this essay perfect!

G L~

Undergraduate / "Battle with a mosquito" Stanford essay, intellectually engaged [4]

Easily the best Stanford intellectually engaged essay I have ever read so far.

Nothing else to say, lol

Undergraduate / "The Poor Homeless Man"; I come from a family who believes in helping others as much as possible [3]

This is indeed something to be proud of. I am proud of what you have done!

This essay shows your kindness, which is seriously lacking in the society today, and your willingness to help. However, I think it is a pity to just briefly narrate this experience without giving a chance for us to look at your inner thoughts. While your experience is valuable, it is not unique, not personally enough to attract the attention of the reader.

What I would like to see more is more of your inner thoughts. What motivates you to do this? Can you relate it to your own experience? How else do you feel besides pity? Can you give us some analogy to the kind of pity you are feeling, cuz different people may feel pity for people in different ways. What's your feeling after that besides happy?

I think your essay is meeting the word limit well and you may be finding it hard to cancel anything you have written. However, it you examine it closely, there are some details that do not seem to play out that much. In my opinion, the first paragraph is a completely filler para since you do not have to be a president of something to be kind. It will be actually cooler if you are not, because if not your kindness will not be as nature a reaction since it will be confounded with your own responsibility as a president. Like "you have to be kind to be a president". I am sure that you did it out of your own nature, so don't let this detail downplay the overall impression of you as a person.

You essay has a good starting point. I'd like to see more.

G L~

Undergraduate / Common Appli : A tiger can't be a kitty [9]

I totally agree with you when you say that the society requires different types of people. However, you will not become a tiger just because you think you are. Real champion, the excessively proud and obnoxious kind, communicate their arrogance through their actions, and sometimes words in such a way that people can 'feel' their presence.

However, in your essay, you did not show anything about yourself. All you did was stating some unfounded opinions that you thought appropriately fit you. No! The essay desperately lack some important solid evidence that support your claim.


Let me tell you, this is the result of not challenging yourself against the best people. Instead of showing off your awesomeness, it shows exactly the opposite.

The idea is good, the analogy is appropriate, but the flow and the overall feel may need some work. Try may be to include some more details about your life.


These lines contain some neat ideas, they worth more elaboration.

G L~

Undergraduate / Sneaker Collecting Common App [6]

BTW, your essay is really unique!

Undergraduate / China's 60th Anniversary of the founding of the People's Republic of China-common app [8]

Hi.

This is indeed an unique experience. Maybe you can squeeze in somewhere why this experience is significant to you, but with or without it your essay is great!

G L~

Undergraduate / Sneaker Collecting Common App [6]

Hi.

I like the way you open your essay with "I". It is important since you are writing an essay about yourself and few people do it.


I think is sentence is unnecessary. In fact, the whole first paragraph can be cut short cuz the reference to the woman did not turn out to be a major detail in the whole essay.


This is a really idea!


I think instead of telling them what they should get out of this essay, tell them more about your observations, and how this interest is meaningful to you. Do not tell people how they should feel, they will ultimately decide if you match the person you are describing.

G L~

Undergraduate / "Changes I would make if I had a second chance" - Purdue Prompt [3]

Hi.

This essay is pretty good in terms of language and structure. However, I think you are struggling a little bit as to how you can improve (and it definitely can be improved!) the discussion, so here's a tip.

So, so say you mentioned that you hate spending your time on video games and enjoy doing volunteer work. However, after reading your essay, I did not feel a bit of your passion in volunteering. Sure you engaged yourself in various activities, but what have you learned from them? Why are they significant? and how do you think you can improve your experience?

The last question may very well be the answer to this whole essay. One change that you would want to make to make your experience better, or benefit more people or something. By explaining your motivations and feeling, people will know more about your inner thoughts because you have revealed you inner thoughts to them by adding depth to the discussion.

G L~

Undergraduate / Stanford's Intellectual Vitality Essay-- Brother's Leukemia [9]

Hi.

I have read your first essay and I am sure this will turn out great. And it sure does!

Just a little bit of touching up: Since this essay as for an intellectual engaging experience, won't it be nice if you can "show" your doubt or question that you always have in this topic?


How about, "how did a man from the Netherlands, whom we are not related to in anyways, had the correct genetic makeup to save my twin's life?"

Maybe you want to stick to your original idea, either one is great! =D

G L~

Undergraduate / "Taylor, my American brother!" - Stanford "Letter to a roommate..." [5]

HAHAHA!

I can't believe how genius this is! If you think this represents your character well, you have to go with it!

Taylor is the man! Taylor for president!

Undergraduate / "the Viet Cong soldiers" - stanford- intellectually engaging... help on editing! [3]

Hi.

The opening imagery is well written, descriptive and sophisticated in language. However, like the impression I get from many other descriptions I have read, I feel that it is a little bit exaggerated and unclear. Also, it takes up too much space, which can be more well spent writing about the "intellectual challenge" that you have faced. The analogy between Viet Cong and you is interesting, but in what way are you challenged? I think the essay can be much clearer if you are able to point out the challenge and work on it, instead of describing the recount.


I think "in retrospect" would be enough.

G L~

Undergraduate / Common Appli : A tiger can't be a kitty [9]

Ok.

So you think your are a tiger, and want to go only to a famous university?

Is it?

Undergraduate / The Shiny Girl: Everyone's Buddy - Common App Essay [7]

Hi.

I think this essay is really well written. There is adequate death in the discussion and brilliant transition between the life of Buddy and that of your own, not to mention the awesome language.

The biggest suggestion that I have for your is to maybe state a solid problem that cause all your distresses. Yes, you have talk about your desire to be yourself, but what has caused you to raise this doubt in the first place?

You have mention that


.

However, I think it isn't always clear enough for everyone to understand your situation. Like I have said before, this essay is really good. Overcome this problem and present a clear image to the readers will make your essay stronger in my opinion.

G L~

BTW, There're some problem with this sentence.


.

Is it you with the ignorant stares, or your classmates?

Undergraduate / "good and bad consequences of my own curiosity" - commonapp essay. [11]

If there's a favorite button somewhere, I'd have pressed it. =D

The entire essay flows really well. Although the topic not new, but you shed new light to it by supporting it with your own experience. Everything just fall into place very neatly. The conclusion is really powerful and will sure give the admission officer reading your essay a 'shock'. I know because I felt it!

The only thing I find a little bit subtle is this line.


Maybe put a quotation mark around the word heroism? When I first read it, I didn't know what you were referring to. lol

Anyway, this is a really great essay!!!

G L~

Undergraduate / "My experience with a multicultural background" - Common App Essay, feedback? [7]

Nothing much to say, good essay.

BTW, don't even worry about the word count. It is "just nice". =D

Undergraduate / "my dad is Superman" - about someone who has made an impact on your life [7]

Hi,

To answer your concern, the tone of your essay is pretty good. It does not trying to force anything out of the reader, making your essay more readable. On the other hand, your essay is overflowing with the impacts that your father has on you. It is good to have all those, but you are missing out many details, or concrete evidence, that will make your essay more convincing. Try to add more details, like how your father has done, and describe them properly. Quality of your description is more valuable than some brief mention of everything he has done.

GL~

Undergraduate / "the complete story of my grandfather" - Help With Influential Person Essay [6]

Hi.

I think this is a really impressive essay, to be able to recount everything that your grandpa did so clearly and present your thoughts so expressively. I can feel your love for your grandpa, cuz I too was brought up by my grandpa until I left him for another country when I was nine. Like you (no kidding), I wrote an essay about the entire life of my grandpa (about 6 pages) earlier this year for my English class. However, the response was no good.

Maybe my English was no good. But after I had read my teacher's comments, although disappointed, I was convinced by her evaluation. The first comment given to me by my English teacher was that my essay was too long. If reading 30+ essay was too hard for an English teacher, how about reading 10 thousand+ essays as an AO? The next thing she said was that the essay was too broad. Too many scattering images that did not serve any purpose were presented.


I did this in my essay too, but it was definitely bad. As a writer you want to be as concise as possible. Words are valuable resources, do not spam it just because you can. Use them to your advantage, make every one of them count.

At the concluding paragraph, you talked about your grandpa taught you to cherish people around you. However, that seemed to be the only learning point. Focus on one idea, like how your grandpa have taught you to cherish the people around you, and use the entire essay to prove it, with your own thoughts. Be creative, dun think about sad things all the time.


How did your grandpa make you realize this? Explore yourself further, ask questions and answer them, you will be able to discover a lot more about yourself. Don't lament your past on this most important essay of your life, think about how can you improve yourself and move yourself to a higher level, be it intellectual or emotional. I truly hope that you can get something valuable even out of this writing experience.

G L~

Also, this paragraph is highly expandable. Cut the part where you talk about your friends, and focus on your thoughts. Departure is something very emotional, get the best out of it.

Speeches / Speech about my self (and dream to be a soccer player) [5]

Hi.

I think overall this is an excellent speech. You have talked about everything that is meaningful to you without much adjectives or empty sentences. Good job!


It is only 2 days away from my birthday when he passed away. I am really sorry that this has happen.


This transition is really subtle; just in the previous sentence, you talked about your father passing away. You have changed not only the tone, but also the subject, and this makes you speech sound strange. Instead, you can add a sentence in between to connect the subjects better.

My dad was 62 when he passed away, only a couple of months short of turning 63. Despite that, I am still passionate about the things I loved (or something). I am a well-rounded person. I love to play the sports, including soccer, tennis, basketball, and football.

The conclusion is pretty kewl!

G L~

Graduate / 'scientific research in China' - 1st draft SoP of Computational Math [6]

Hi.

I, and I am sure that the admission officers will, believe sincerely in the factuality of your account. However, I think it will be wise to not only state what he has actually said, but also elaborate more on how his words affected your life. If I am not wrong I believe that the topic of this essay is describe a person that has inspired me. (correct me) So, describe that influence, describe what you want to do with your newly acquired ability if you are enrolled in the school. Your essay, although expressive, is a little overwhelmed by unnecessary details in such a way that the focus is blurred. You mention your academic achievements twice (they are impressive achievements), your leisure activities, even your influence from your parents. To me, this essay is too general, and like I have mentioned, too vague that it does not give a concise picture of what you truly are. I think you need not worry about mentioning the achievements because they will be highlighted the your supplementary anyway. So, the key idea is to focus on math, the influence that you have received and how it changes you or drives you to become a greater person.

G L~

Graduate / 'scientific research in China' - 1st draft SoP of Computational Math [6]

Hi. I think I would like to start with correcting the errors.


I think this sentence is not needed. It has some grammatical errors too.

When I was young, I wanted to be a scientist, because scientists seems to be extremely smart. Fortunately, my nebulous childhood dream became a realistic ambition. When I was in high school, my math teacher Fan Qiliang taught Math in a very unique way. When he gave us lectures, he often said "So beautiful math is, or what!; We encountered various hard problems every now and then, so easy it is, I can solve it in three different ways, now pay attention and watch me play with it." (A little bit awkward here) After he had shown us his way, I felt much more comfortable with the problem. I can vividly remember how I could easily derive from each Trigonometric Function to another. Although I had won National Mathematics Olympiad before and been the only student who had earned the perfect score in the high school entrance math examination, it was my math teacher who had discovered the innate curiosity that loomed inside of me.

From then on, I made up my mind to pursue math, the father of all sciences, as a career. When I received my college admission in summer 2007, I knew that I had began the journey which my math teacher was once on; and I also knew that this decision was not just an naive childhood dream - it was my present and my future. I was keen on studying the advanced mathematical courses, and always keep my math teacher's words in my mind. With my solid theoretical foundation and logical mind, I conquered countless conundrum with an overall score of 93.7 (on a 0-100 scale) and a ranking of top 2% across the level. In my Numerical Analysis class, I had developed an affinity for partial differential equations. My teacher made me realized that the beauty of mathematics went beyond proofs of theorems; the great potential of Math as an instrument of problem solving and improving society made it even more beautiful. It is not that rigorous approach toward theorems are not as important as the applications. However, I felt that the most exciting things is that I can use my intelligent in multi-disciplines to tackle real-world issues. For example, if we could find the balance point of a differential equation problem, then we could avoid waste of inputs simultaneously get the most from the investment. I feel that program at (Which school?) University makes a perfect match with my future plans. (why?) I strongly believe that as highly motivated and determinate student like me would be a valuable asset to your university, because I will bringing theoretical knowledge as well as unique Chinese culture to the community.

Apart from my academic life, I have always tried to squeeze out some time for my hobbies. I believe it is indispensable to engage myself in leisure activities to achieve overall development. As a result, I played in my college's Ping Pong (Table Tennis) team. Since my English skills were well-developed, learning more foreign languages has become my passion. I have taught myself French and Japanese for a year. My Toefl score does not reflect my ability to handle English. (Not recommended) As proof, you may interview me through telephone.

Thanks to the value system imbibed in me by my parents, teachers and my mentors and an intrigued liking for science, I would devote myself to scientific research in China and turn my research achievements into practical use. (what use?) Thus, I would sincerely like to enter your Ph.D. program.

It's not saying that rigorous approach toward theorems are not as important as the applications, to me, the most exciting things is that I can use my intelligent in multi-disciplines to tackle real-world issues

This sentence is amazing!

This essay has shown your overwhelming passion for math, and I am sure you a definitely good at it. Because the question to this essay is unknown, I am unable to comment much on the content. However, I am sure that whenever you mention vaguely about something, such as your goal, chances are you can elaborate more about them to make you claim sound more convincing. If you truly believe that there are many things you can do with math, why not talk about it?

G L~

Although I have corrected some very obvious errors, my revision is not at all perfect, please review it carefully.