Writing Feedback / IELTS: what sort of knowledge should universities provide to graduates? [8]

I still think that the student should re-work the essay and make it on point, so that it better describes his or her feelings, and that it answers the prompt correctly. Then, and only then, can we correct the grammar and the spelling, etc.

--Mark

Writing Feedback / I prefer to let children go for a paid work especially for those who need to earn a living [3]

Hi Do!

You are not forcing the issue with respect to the reasons why you "don't think" that children should work. In other words, you only have a few sentences that describe these reasons, and I would certainly have a few more. It is actually true that children should "not" work under a specific age, and most of the time, in most countries (developed), that age is 15 or 16 years of age. But, you don't mention this point or others that are important for your argument.

I have made some corrections to the first two paragraphs. Take a look at them and see what you think. Then, perhaps you can re-work the essay. Then perhaps you might want to re-post the essay as well.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Luck Vs Hard work; Which is better? luck may disappoint you easly [5]

Hi Suven!

I know you! I have worked with your essays in the recent past. As far as the above essay is concerned, I think that, while it is choppy is certain places, it presents a good argument and I think that it is well-structured. I would have used different words in certain circumstances, but your point is well taken and it comes through just as fine without my changes. I don't see any extreme problems with grammar and I certainly don't see any spelling issues.

The only issue I would like to bring to your attention is in the following sentence:

At the end he was not only able to get the promotion amidst a stiff competition but also got nominated for a foreign scholarship sincebecause he had more credentials than other officers in his capacity.

-->Try to remember that the word "since" is a measure of time, and it is not to be used as it was in the sentence. I know, everyone does it, but it is wrong. Use another word, as I have done for you.

Otherwise, I think you did a good job -- if this essay is a practice one for TOEFL. Good luck with the exam!

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Why/What/How - Study abroad essay for London [3]

Hi Paris,

This was a very good essay. I probably would have worded some things differently, but your essay was well-written and well-structured. I did make a few suggestive changes for you to consider. I wish you luck in your endeavor to go abroad! I've been to England; it is a beautiful country!

--Mark :)

I have always wanted to travel the world and learn about the different places that I have only read about.about which I have read.

I want to learn about another countriescountry's history, not from a book, but from going there and actually seeing where these historical events happened and how it affected thatthe country and its people.

Going to London will help me with my Communicationcommunication degree because communication is how we

Undergraduate / "My goal is to simply be successful" - Flagler Essay [5]

Hi Arnold!

I think that you are on the right track with respect to your essay to Flagler College (I am assuming that this is the Flagler College located in St. Augustine, Florida?). But, I think that you fail to provide specific times in your life that tend to show us (and them) that you are planning to succeed based on a specific situation that occurred in your life. Does this make sense to you?

I think that the college wants you to write a very specific essay that will show them and tell them that you are indeed serious about attending Flagler College and why you are so determined in doing so. You will need to draw on any such specific situations in your life that have steered you towards that college as opposed to, for example, some of the other colleges. Is Flagler College noted for its theatre study? If so, what happened in your life that makes you want to attend this college's theatre? Do you understand what I am trying to say? Be extremely specific in your writing. In your essay, thus far, you are being too generalized. They do not want that; they want you to be very specific.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Common App Significant Experience: "Salvation" [4]

Yaomin Pan --

This is an extremely well-written essay! I enjoyed reading it a great deal! I have always been interested in the Chinese cultures, as well as the differences between the dialects as they are separated in China. You have surely demonstrated your ability to write well in English! I will look forward to more of your writings in the future!

I am offering you some suggestions, however -- they are below:

--Mark :)

By means of searchesearch engines, I discovered a Chinese social network group called "Protect Cantonese," and soon gotwas soon acquainted with the promoters and some of the members in the group due to their similar life experiences in Guangzhou.

SinceBecause I am a painter and a guitar soloist, I volunteered to help design the protest slogans and posters and pick several songs sung in Cantonese that could embody our ideas

On July 28, two days after I went back to Guangzhou from America

tasting, swinging with the melody of the song

"Wherever I go/My origin will always be engraved on my mind." I couldn't help but grinned and let my tear dropped

Essays / Immeasurable. Endless. Indefinite. I am not bounded. College of Charleston [2]

Hi Kali,

Well, you are on the right track. Now, you will need to expound on these and other thoughts as you continue with your essay. Try to tell the readers "why" you chose to describe yourself as "infinite." Use some other words that can be used to describe your thoughts. Try to separate the essay into four paragraphs, each one describing a different reason why you chose this word, and then you can use the last paragraph to sum up your ideas and come to a conclusion.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "I found out I passed the exam" (Vires, Artes, Mores) - FSU Essay [2]

Shelby,

This was one of the better essays I have read that dealt with this prompt! You have clearly defined the three attributes, as far as I am concerned, and you defined them throughout the essay. You have separated the information into three paragraphs, and each one is also clearly defined. I commend you on such a well-written essay.

I have offered you some suggestions, although minor. I wish you luck with your endeavors!

--Mark :)

High School has presented lots of opportunities that tested the strength of my morals.

I struggled with the fact that if I didn't join her, I would lose the one person I could tell anything toin whom I could confide .

At first I felt burdened by how much work it waspresented and struggled to see any improvement

Writing Feedback / Characteristics of caring people. How did they influence you? [5]

Carlynn,

This was a heart-felt essay! I enjoyed reading it. However, you lost me in the middle of the first paragraph when you began to tell us that you 'had a dream.' The essay does not seem to describe how or what sort of dream you had, unless I mis-read it or misunderstood it. If so, please explain.

I did make some suggestive comments for you. Otherwise, the essay is great! I love it!

Mark :)

Is it someone thatwho takes care of you when you are sick, promises to keep you safe, or is available in times of need?

As opening day approached, I began thinking 'what if they don't like me, how would I compare to my counselors?'

They made me laugh and made me work; they made me stronger and made me gifts.
--> In this sentence, there is a lack of parallelism -- with respect to the word "gifts." Each of the other 'things' that were made were intangible, but not the word 'gifts.' It does not 'fit in the sentence.'

As she confinedconfided in me she also asked about my life at the cruel age of twelve.

Writing Feedback / Characteristics of caring people. How did they influence you? [5]

Hi again, Carlynn.

That was going to be my first impression -- that your dream was to be a counselor, but I was not sure. Do you think that you explained that thoroughly in the essay? It might be me, so overlook it if it is.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Art provides self-impression" - Common app short answer [8]

Hey Cindy,

I've already seen what Kevin has suggested, and I see that you still need 19 words to be removed from the essay. I took the time to take out a sentence or two, but I didn't want to rob from the essence of the essay. This is one marvelous essay, by the way. Very well-written, indeed. Take a look at my suggestions:

Grammar, Usage / "As opposed to" as apposed to "as apposed to" [3]

Hi Kevin,

It is interesting that you brought this up -- because it's been a long time since I have used or heard that word being used -- apposed. In any event, I found the following information using Google, and I think that this is probably the best definition you will get:

These two spellings originally meant the same thing, but now "appose" is a rare word having to do with placing one thing close to or on something else (compare with juxtapose). It mainly occurs today as an error spelling-checkers won't catch when the word intended is "oppose," meaning to be against something. If you object to a proposed course of action, you are opposed (not "apposed") to it.

Source: wsu.edu
appose Meaning(s)

* (v) place side by side or in close proximity

oppose Meaning(s)

* (v) be against; express opposition to
* (v) fight against or resist strongly
* (v) contrast with equal weight or force
* (v) set into opposition or rivalry
* (v) act against or in opposition to
* (v) be resistant to

Cheers! Mark

Undergraduate / "experiences with Autism" - UF essay [4]

Hi Jenny!

Your experiences with Autism apparently set the stage for you for the rest of your life, and that love for teaching that you now have comes through in this essay that you wrote! I have but a few suggestions for you, and they are below. Good Job on the essay!

--Mark :)

I learned how to better connect with Rebecca, and because of her my ability to bond with other kids improved as well.
-->This sentence is missing some words...but I am not sure where they would best fit.

This was the moment that I understood what I had done for her, and for memyself .

Essays / Spanish conquistadors vs native Americans [7]

Hi Kevin,

What clued you in on the fact that the essay was copied from a website, or that a sentence was copied from a website? I'd like to know.

Did it just "look" as if it were copied to you?

--Mark

Undergraduate / "don't be upset about what you don't get." (best piece of advice essay) [6]


Jaron,

This is an excellent essay! The only thing that I would suggest you do is use two (2) "--" between words when you do use them. When you use only one, it doesn't look right.

When we went to the store -- to get some Pepsi -- we took all of the money we had.

See how that looks? It looks better than just using one. And, a space belongs between the word and the "-".

Otherwise, your essay reads quite well, indeed. I enjoyed reading it.

--Mark :)

Graduate / Nigeria: MS in Information Systems: Statement of Purpose. [4]

Hi!

What a wonderful essay! You do have some admirable inspirations, don't you? I enjoyed reading the essay and I enjoyed understanding more about the underdeveloped world in which we find ourselves! It is clearly a shame that countries such as your own does not have such things. I hope that you can change some of that!

I made only one (1) correction to one sentence. You are a good writer.

--Mark :)

As a student, I not only intend on learningto learn the fundamental and vital aspects inof Information Systems, but my interest also lies in understanding and solving real world problems that presently plague database systems and network capabilities

Book Reports / Adversity in the Sniper by Liam O Flaherty and how it changes the character [5]

"There is no education like adversity" said,Benjamin Disraeli. In life people face challenges and obstacles that sculpt who they become. In the short story 'The Sniper' by Liam O'Flaherty, youthe readerareis introduced to a nameless character "the sniper", who, through a civil war in Ireland, learns some of life's valuable lessons.

Joe --

When I read your beginning essay, I get confused with respect to which sniper I am reading about and when. It might be best if you can separate the snipers a little more so that when the essay is being read, the reader understands which sniper is which. Do you know what I mean? Get back with me if you don't.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl; History/Literature vs Maths/ Science [3]

Hi! Sure, we can offer a different perspective on your essay, but it would be far better (first) if you would revise it -- it has all of the marks on it from the previous person who critiqued it for you. Besides, I think that if you were to take the time to re-work the essay, you will find that it might read better for you. Try that, and then re-post it.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Choice, privacy, and books: The influence of literature on modern society [2]

Hi Edward!

I made a few corrections to your short essay. There are some sentences that, perhaps, need to be re-worked. Otherwise, the essay, as short as it is, reads well.

--Mark :)

These books,books have given people the courage to break free from social norms and explore their own ways to pursuitpursue happiness

During previous era'sdecades many toyed with the idea of loving whom they choose toto, against all social law

Tess Dubeyfield, the focal character of the narrative. develops into a rebellious state in which her feelings change her way of life,

whether to live with the love of her life or the mate set forth by her parents becomes a stepping stone for the later revolution of fixed marriages. Giving, giving people the freedom to choose whom they wish to marry.

Undergraduate / Purdue Essay - Professional and Personal Goals ("engineering is challenging") [4]

Jessica,

I think that your essay is great! It really tells us something about yourself and your own aspirations and it tells us why you want to pursue a degree at Purdue. I hope that you do well; you do know that EE is an extremely difficult course!

Along with the other corrections made in the previous post, I am offering these to you as well. I wish you luck in your endeavors!

--Mark :)

Purdue,being ranked 11th place for the best engineering college in the United States, seems like the obvious choice for me, since I want to pursue a career in engineering.

When I look back on high school and how much I have learned through out my classes, I know I have advanced, so mucha great deal, towards becoming an engineer.

Writing Feedback / Is it important to maintain the extended relative relationship? [2]


Hi! I read through your essay, then I read through some of Kwang's corrections that were made in the last response to your essay. Not only do I agree with his corrections, I also agree with what he (or she) says at the end of the response. I think you ought to offer more of a counter-argument with regard to your essay. In other words, the essay needs work with respect to the corrections, but it could also hold more views with respect to the argument in the other direction, or coming from a different perspective. I think that you have a wonderful essay here, and I also think that you did a good job putting it together -- now just work in it a little more, polish it up for us -- so that we can read it again. Does this make sense to you?

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Parents? It depends on the circumstances of the child, to determine who is the best teacher [5]


Hi George,

I have changed the first paragraph of the essay, hoping that you can read it and grasp some of the reasons why I have made some of the changes. Perhaps it might help you if you were to read "The Elements of Style," as I see that you have at least formatted the essay with some reason. Go over the first paragraph and then get back with us. I think that you are on the right track!

A good teacher or a good mentor is the one who guides the child how to live a successful life.I donot agreee to the statement that parents are always the best teachers.In my opinion, it depends on the circumstances of the child, to determine who is his or her best teacher.In some cases the best teacher may be the child's school teacher or in some other case it may be the child's friend or even someone else.

--> Try this: A good teacher or a good mentor is one who is available to guide a child and teach him how to live a successful life. Personally, I do not agree with the statement that parents are always the best teachers. In my opinion, it all depends on many of the child's circumstances, and in some cases, the best teacher for a child may be the child's school teacher or in some other cases, it can be the child's friend or even someone else.

Writing Feedback / SPACE EXPLORATION IS A WASTEFUL ACTIVITY - AGREE? [5]

I am of the view that spending money on space exploration should not be considered as a wasteful activity. Although many critics argue that space travels have never achieved any major scientific breakthroughs compared to the major costs they involve, by considering the ongoing benefits they generate, some economic analyses have proved it otherwise. Moreover there are many other reasons to argue why space exploration is very important to the mankind;

--> Try this: It is my personal view that spending money on space exploration should not be considered a waste of time or money. Although there are many critics who might argue that space travel has never achieved any major scientific breakthroughs when compared to the cost that is invoked with traveling in space, some forms of economic analysis has proven otherwise. Additionally, there are many other reasons to make the argument that space exploration is very important to mankind.

--> Do you see the types of changes that I made? You might not agree with all of them, but they do allow the sentences to have meaning. I'd like to see you work with the second paragraph and see what you can come up with, by creating sentences that have meaning, or at least ones that can be understood.

--> I think that the intention that you had when writing this essay was good! You are indeed on the right track, so to speak. Now, all you need to do is re-work the essay and see if you can develop more meaningful sentence structure.

Cheers, and Good Luck!

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Volunteering at the homeless shelters- UC prompt #2 [3]

Hi Jeffrey!

I have to agree with Kevin. This is an amazing essay, and it definitely uplifted my own spirits! I recall volunteering at a homeless shelter myself when I attended college, and it, too, was an eye-opener for me. I still cannot get some of the images out of my head, and your essay seems to have brought some of them back to me. I enjoyed working -- or, er, volunteering -- at the homeless shelter. It happened to be situated not far from the college I attended.

Thanks for the essay, Jeff! I would like to see some more of your work on this forum!

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / The Holy Mosque in Mecca, Saudi Arabia - essay describing a place you like to visit. [5]

Once again, I agree with Kevin. I liked reading the essay, as I have always enjoyed reading about the Muslim religion. It is a very colorful religion, very artful.

I have made only a few suggestions for you -- albeit small -- each one of them. Your essay is above reproach, indeed. Are you going to post any more essays?

--Mark :)

The Zamzam wall inside the mosque provides water, which is known to be a medicine for any disease if it is drunk with complete trust in curing

When the Imam recites verses softly with an angelic voice, tears comes to my eyes and I feel happy to the point that I never want him not to stop

It's a square shaped and covered with black clothe

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : "Good teachers set challenging tasks for their students?" [2]


Hi Wipu --

As you can see from the first paragraph alone -- while your essay is a good one -- it's going to need some work. I am not sure where you are with respect to your learning the TOEFL, and I am assuming that you are just now starting out -- which means that we have the time to work together, no?

Tell me -- are you familiar with Stephen King? He wrote a good book, which is called On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. I suggest that you might want to consider getting a copy of this book. It is a very interesting book, and I think that it might be able to show you a few pointers when it comes to your writing. Let me know if there is any way that I can help you!

--Mark :)

Today's world education has become more and more competitive. Many of the schoolsorand universities compete with one another to be leader. One major part of being the top school is being able to procure the goodbest teachers .Many people think that good professors leads to good tasks or researches for their students. There areis one question that I always thought about is-- whether the good teachers can set challenging tasks for their students. In my opinion, I agree that good teachers bring good tasks for their students. for several reasons.

Graduate / M.S of Geophysics-Seismology at Institute of Geophysics, TRANSFER STUDENT APPLICATION [7]

Hi Amir!

Try using this as a template for your letter. If you should have any more questions or need any more assistance, please just ask!

--Mark :)

To Whom it May Concern:

A freshman student at the University of Tehran, currently enrolled in the Geophysics-Seismology School at the Institute of Geophysics, I am seeking to apply and transfer to your University as an International Transfer Student. I am currently seeking admission to the M.S. Program at your Institute of Geophysics, with an opportunity to receive a TA or RA if this is possible.

I will greatly appreciate it if you would provide me with any additional information about the process for admission to the university as well as any information that might be needed for transfer students. I will be more than happy to provide you with any additional documentation concerning my status as a student at the University of Tehran. Any further documentation that might be needed will also be very much appreciated.

Your assistance in this matter will be very much appreciated.

Sincerely Yours,
Amir Semnani

Writing Feedback / Compulsory education for children between the ages of 5 and 15 [6]

Hi there!

I do grasp the essence of your essay. The only problem is that the essay is a little difficult to follow because of the choice of words. I have taken the first paragraph and I tried to use the most appropriate choice of words, depending on how I thought the paragraph should read. Take a look at the first paragraph and let me know if this is what you were intending to say. If so, I will continue with the remaining paragraphs -- the last two.

You did a good job here with the research. Now, all that needs to be done is re-format the essay so that it makes a little more sense.

Cheers!

Mark :)

First of all, it isthis concerns the development of the children between 5 and 15 years old. According to researchers, a child at thesebetween ages develops the most strongly. His brain haven'thas not formed any "trails of thinking" yet; thus, he can acquire new things very fast. We can verify it through a simple experiment. We only need to give a 6 year-old child and a 40 year-old adult some random numbers, then they have to read them again without seeinglooking at them twice . What's about the reason? The child do this work much better in most of times of repeating.

In fact, it is not a small amount of children choosing the second wayalternative.

Undergraduate / "underprivileged Egyptian children" - an extracurricular activity or work experience. [2]


Hi Taymour,

I didn't find much wrong with your essay. You said in the above statement that, after six revisions, you have been able to minimize your work and come up with a better essay. Is that right? Well, I would venture to say that if you were to revise it one more time, you might find that it will fit within the specifications of the 150 word count and that the essay will satisfy your instructor. Give it one more try. You did well with the essay, by the way!

--Mark :)

This is when I met Hossam, a naive 12 year old boy who worked inat a farm to help provide for his single mother and younger sister.

Undergraduate / "meet the challenges in Northeastern" - response to reasons why you want to transfer. [2]


Hi Taymour!

You are a wonderful writer! I had to make a few changes and corrections, but they were all minor. I wish you a lot of luck with your pending transfer! You seem to know exactly what you want to do!

--Mark :)

During my second semester at my current university, I spent about two months working with the university's Entrepreneurship Society. At first we began at a slow pace,pace; however, on the third session I really got interested.

While meeting new and interesting undergraduates, my involvement allowed me to interact informally with professors as well as leading local entrepreneurs.

Then and there I realized I wanted to join the ranks of businessthe business person .

Upon my return to the American University in Cairo for my sophomore year, I learned that the available BA majors do not include Entrepreneurship,; hence, my eagerness to look for alternative universities offering such a major.major was initiated.

Being an American national who grew up in the Middle East, my preferences understandably are stateside rather than Europe or the UK.

Undergraduate / "Growth Through Astronomy" - Common App essay review [5]

My upbringing was never really one that allowed me to obtain much liberty. Both of my parents, for fear of the consequences, rarely let me stray too far from the mandates they set forth. It's only been recently, when I joined the school Astronomy Club, that I have really been able to appreciate my first true tastes of independence.

--> What mandates? What were the restrictions placed upon you by your parents? You need to explain these things in the essay, so that the reader is well aware of what you are trying to say.

You seem to want to express some sort of "evolution" that happened between yourself and your parents, and in this case, it was the viewing of the launch of the space shuttle. Why don't you explain that in the first part of the essay? I agree with the first critique, in that the essay is somewhat mundane when it first starts -- but you can easily spice this up! Give some other examples, as well, as to your new-found freedom! It's not just the viewing of the shuttle, is it? I would suggest that you re-write the essay with the idea that you might explain in more detail the new-found freedom that you now enjoy, but with respect to other things as well. Give it a try. What do you think?

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Objective of attending school [4]

However, there are many other benefits that one can derive from, by attending school.
--> Try this: However, there are many other benefits that can be appreciated by attending school.
--> Why don't you choose to enumerate some of these other benefits as well?

The facilities such as laboratories, libraries, auditoriums are meant to help students in this aspect. For example, a student may learn about the reason for a chemical reaction in the class room. However, he will be convinced about this theory only when he practically experiences it from the experiment conducted in the laboratory.

--> I especially like these sentences! They tend to show the differences between learning from the books and learning by experiencing things. Good Job!

On the other hand, school is one of the best places for one to develop his or her societal knowledge and networking opportunities with others that would help this person immensely in his future endeavors

--> Another excellent sentence.

--> How many revisions have you gone through so far in writing this essay? I would want to guess that this is only the first time you chose to write this essay. Is that right? If it is, you might want to re-write it at least two more times...you will be surprised that each time you write it, the essay will become more and more clear! Try it! Then, re-post it on the forum for the rest of us to read again. Good writing!

--Mark :)

Graduate / 'Help for every patient' - PTCAS Essay for Physical Therapy admission [5]

Hi Daniel!

A couple of things I can bring to your attention:
1. See if you can just go ahead and eliminate the discussion about computers in the first part of the essay. Just go right into the fact that you want to study to be a physical therapist.

2. I like you essay! It is somewhat of a heart-felt essay, especially when you start discussing the patient with the stroke. You are going to find that there are ways of communicating with these patients without a major problem; in fact, some of them can sing!

3. I made some corrections for you below. You might want to consider re-working the essay (esp. with respect to what I said above in number 1). You might find that it works better when you re-write your own essay! Give it a try.

Mark :)
Volunteering at my local hospital was my first experience with physical therapy. I could only

observe how the physical therapists treated their patients.
Try this instead: Volunteering at the local hospital was my first experience with the physical therapy field, although I could only observe how the physical therapist treated their patients.

I noticed that their line of work can be challenging, especially thewith patients that were diagnosed with dementia.

It was tough to work with him at first sincebecause he couldn't speak English.
--> Be careful when using the word, "since," which is a measurement of time. Use other words in its place.

Whenever he complained of being in pain; he would mimic the flow of tears by repeatedly placing his right hand over his eyes and dropping it down to his chin

--> Change the semi-colon to the comma in this sentence.

Undergraduate / There is no doubt that human beings are not omniscient or omnipotent, authorities also make mistakes [2]

Hi Lin!

First, let me say that you obviously put a lot of thought into your essay, as it uses not one example, but two to demonstrate your thesis. However, Lin, I am not sure that this is the sort of authority that they were referring to -- I would think that the 'framers' of the question were thinking about those people in a position of authority, such as a policeman (or police officer), a cop, a magistrate, a judge, or even the President. I am not saying that you are wrong, as you apparently put a lot of thought into your thesis statement and you explained it throughout your essay; but I was under the impression (before reading your essay) that the 'framers' wanted something entirely different.

Nevertheless, I'd like to offer you some suggestive corrections with respect to your essay. Most of these are small. It might behoove you to incorporate the following errors in a re-write of the essay. I would also like to offer you a suggestion -- write another essay, and this time, focus on the authority vested in a position, such as a person in a uniform or something of that nature.

--Mark :)

Challenge Challenging people who in authority will minimize thesome of these errors.

After many experiments whichthat demonstrated Pasteur's idea but not convincing enough to his adversaries,

At last, he invented a long curved neck flask, which could prevent microbes from entering without seal the flask

Another exactgood example is Jack Welch. He was the CEO of the General Electric between 1981 and 2001

By challenging the authority, Jack Welch took on a series of new measures to make GE the most valuable and largest company in the world.

He executed many strict measures, such as shutting down redundant factories, reducing payrolls and cuting lackluster old-line unit

Undergraduate / "A muslim family that celebrates Christmas" - Response to an essay question [5]


Hi Taymour -- again!

I do grasp the essence of your essay, but I don't think that you explained yourself thoroughly in the text so that the readers can understand what you mean. Perhaps it might be best if you include some of the ways in which these backgrounds influenced you and your beliefs, not just that they did. Do you understand?

--Mark :)

A muslimMuslim family that celebrates Christmas every year as if it is ours explains how diversity is in my blood. My grandmother Lola Jean is an American Christian who moved with her husband to Egypt in the mid 1930s in search for a place to raise a family.

Other than my background, my experiences also played a major role in determining my identity.

however, I believe I am nothave not been tested academically.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : The most important leader in your country. [5]

Hi Wupi,

This is an interesting essay! I didn't even realize that Thailand had a King! I was also not aware that the king is so involved with the land and its resources.

I made some corrections for you -- with respect to the first two paragraphs...and I think that is enough, as I didn't want to discourage you. You write well -- I've seen your writing on this forum before and therefore, I know that you can do better.

Cheers! Mark :)

They are the role model offor their people.

In my opinion ,one of the most important leaders is King Rama 9,the father of Thai people. There are several qualities that make him as an important leader.

Firstly,First, his roles ashas developed Thailand,and many important projects to improve the country arewere mainly initiated by him

Another example is the sustainable economics theory,; he introduced this theory as the most suitable economics theory for Thailand culture.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: the contents of TV, movies, games influence young people's behavior. [2]

Hi Wipu again!

Boy -- you certainly are writing a lot these days!

I must tell you -- that this essay was formatted well. You described your thesis statement and then you defended it in three different paragraphs -- that was good! The only critical area that I have is explained below, and the same sort of situation occurs in the next two paragraphs. Clean that up, and I think that you will have a good essay!

Good job!

--Mark :)

Nowadays, TV programs, movies, and video games become more important parts of our children.children's lives. These media contain both good and bad contents . One question I often thought about is whether the contents of these media influence young people's behavior. Although, many researches claimed that there are no relation between these twoyoung people's behavior and the content of the media , in my opinion, I agree that our children are influenced by these devices for many examplesreasons .

Writing Feedback / IELTS - large financial benefits for successful sports professionals [2]

Hi Do Ray!

Let's start with the second paragraph -- the first couple of sentences:
As I mentioned above, I agree with the view that this kind of wealth distribution is fair enough due to the successful professionals deserve it, that is, partly because their good luck and talent make it a foregone conclusion that they will be outstanding; principally because the hard work and pain they had endured ensure their success.

--> Here, you are being very non-specific in your response to the prompt. What, exactly are you trying to say, here, Do Ray? You are going back to refer to a point that you made in the first paragraph when, even after I re-read the first paragraph, was never clearly made in the first place.

--> I would start with some simpler, concise sentences and describe how you feel about sports and the people who are making so much money in the sports. Do you think that this is justified? If so, describe, in simple sentences, how you feel this way. Don't try to impress the reader with large words or long sentences, as this just tends to confuse the reader.

--> You are doing well, Do Ray, on this forum. Keep it up! Keep writing. And then re-write your essays. Try to write your essays about three or four times "before" you decide to post them on the forum. You will find that it will work better for you.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Love for art + Chinese heritage - UPenn Supplemental Essay. [7]


Boy! I am afraid to tell you to cut anything out! That was an excellent essay, indeed. I think it must be one of the best essays I've read on this forum for some time. You clearly stated your objective in the essay and set out to further explain in within the text of the essay. It was formatted wonderfully. I have only one comment to make concerning the use of words:

Within my first year at here, I'm already making a positive difference in a city I love, with a subject that fascinates me, for students whose education I care about.

--> the word "at" should be removed from the sentence.
--> Otherwise, this essay is perfect. I would not change anything.
--> I wish you luck with your education at UPenn!

--Mark :)

Faq, Help / My and EssayForum - A bond... [8]

Hi Siddharth!

You are much too kind! I am here, just doing my best to help those who might benefit from such help. I understand what it's like to be in a position of need, and therefore, I extend my assistance to those who might be appreciative of what I can offer.

Thanks for the kudos, Sid!

--Mark