Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]

Posts by lanes
Joined: Sep 21, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 33  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 38
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Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "in-class learning and research" - Penn Supplement [3]

Furthermore, I want to take part in the Wharton Learning Labs to help me engage in real-life situations which deal with business and finance. I want to be a part of the various stimulations offered through Wharton classes because of my attraction towards real-life situations which deal with risk factor.Might i suggest re wording this. First of don't use futhermore to start of this sentence, it is not really a transition sentence its kind of like your thesis. After you sau real life situations that deal with business and finance, it would be GREAT if you used an actual example, to show you are really passionate about it. In fact your entire essay kind of states what you want to do, no reasons why. Back your statements up with reasoning. also cut back on using 'I' so much

other than that goood job!!!
Dec 28, 2010

Ernest Hemingway once wrote that"without aficion, without passion, we are nothing"-If you dont use quotes its considered plagerism, especially in college! make sure you put them in!And I believe that. Throughout high school, I have found niches that allow don't start a sentence with and, also that out the period put in a commaI believe that, throughout high school I have found niches that allowyou dont need the comma after high school

You see, at Lowell High School,don't start it off with You see its un-neccessary and too informal. Just say At lowell High School

and quiet Asians by surrounding schools.huh? this sentence is confusing, and borderline racist, I am not sure what your are trying to say
The aficion they passed down to me is apparent in every one of my friendships; my community is an amalgamation of personalities, colors, and traditions, but we all share one trait: a love for everything we do.- This is kind of a run-on, and a little wordy and confusing I get what you're trying to say, but cut it down to one clause talking about your parents and another clause about how your passionate in your life.

In this community, I take a role of both encourager and encouraged. The fervor this kinship shares allows me to inspire and to be inspired, to motivate and to be motivated all at once.- i loved this!

calculus formulae,calculus formula

I really liked your piece, it was pretty short and to the point and you kept the same reoccurring theme, one word of advice might be to use more of a direct example of your life. not just a general scenario. Talk about one specific moment, other then that it was very well written good luck!
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Rubber bands and synthesized rain at 3 AM" - Stanford Roommate Essay [7]

great job.

i loved the symbolism of a rubberband. I loved the description you used for being messy and how you like the night. Try to elaborate more on that one, like what about the night is invigorating, try to make it seem like you won't bother them if they want to get some sleep, because you'll be in your own world.

Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mr. Boyle and boyscouts" or "Dakota" - Which Question and Edits [3]

This is definitely prompt #1. and I HIGHLY SUGGEST you shorten it. it is way to long, cut out alot of unnecessary details. get more to the point and the lesson learned, and avoid all the long details. It sounds more like a campfire story then an essay.
Dec 27, 2010

and was in debt (to my sister) before I even turned 18 you dont need the ( ) just put and i was in a lot of debt to my sister. I don't thing the before I was 18 is necessary, because u mention it later on in the paragraph

start saving up for emergent situation.start saving up for emergency situations
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "going through the numerous clubs and organizations" - Columbia Supplement [8]

Honestly, i think you should take out the SCORE! I LOVE MUSEUMS, it seems a little too informal, seeing is how you writing to Columbia. Try to make it seem like you've known about all the things the school offers, for years. Don't write like your just mentioning the things you like because you have to for the supplement.
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "responsibility to make a better world for our elders, our selves, and us"-Common App [2]

I loved this.
I had to write an essay similar to it about our generation. You expressed your theme perfectly, I think you should weave the wilderness leadership program a little differently into the paragraph. Try using a transition sentence where you funnel down the paragraph connecting it yourself.

Other then that good job!
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Global Network and Person You'd bring (Jackson Pollock) - my NYU short [5]

I really liked the first one, you answered it perfectly.
For the second, elaborate on the connection you have with jackson pollack, why do u love his work?
why i she your favorite artist, why would you want to spend time with him, answer the questions interweaving them into your paragraph.
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "My cousin" - Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? [9]

I think you spoke about your cousin more then you did about yourself. The question is about YOU why don't you try changing the beginning, talk about your opinion of syracuse, then weave your cousin in and her comparison between florida and syracuse. They want to hear more about you, not someone who goes there already
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "My hands show me" - PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

THIS IS DUE VERY SOON! I NEED AS MUCH REVISION AND COMMENTS AND FEEDBACK AS POSSIBLE PLEASE & THANK YOU! let me know if you get the message, if the anecdote works or not

I stare down from my carpals to my phalanges and question how they can describe me. Plain and inelegant, hidden underneath my sleeves my hands openly reveal to the world my imperfections. "Why are you chipping of your nail polish, you just painted them?" nagged my mother, I jolted and a freshly chipped coat rocketed quickly off of my nail. The piece fell next to a small collection of recently peeled nail polish flakes. Left on my corroded fingernails were borders of polish.The alarming view of a pile of nail scraps coiled through my mind, as my mother called out my relapse. Spreading my ten fingers out, like a cat stretches out his paw, I noted that my hands as a symbol of my life, The nails with chipped off polish flakes, a ring I had stuck on my middle finger since august, what a mess my hands appeared to be.

The meaning behind a persons hands, portrays the story of their life. Your hands define your accomplishments. Biologically designed to control both of your gross and fine motor skills, with the ability to touch, hands are capable of much more than that. Any job, dream, passion, miniscule effort is somewhat associated with ones hands. A musician plays an instrument, an artist creates a painting, an author writes a story and a doctor preforms surgeries. In every form these admirable people adequately utilize their hands, to create the world they live in. There hands surpass motor skilled organs, and become specified instruments. Staring at my hands I look for the instruments my hands can become, yet all I notice are my deficiencies. Past all of my faults, I do see one thing, an undeniable potential.

I live in a family of artists, my mother and sister master the talent of using their swift hands to glide a paintbrush, to create magic. Maneuvering a thick oily substance to grasp our eyes towards an instant masterpiece previously known as a blank white canvas. Our one bedroom Manhattan apartment is covered from wall to wall in portraits, landscapes and abstracts all original pieces. When it comes down to me, I always felt like this talent skipped a generation. Lacking the ability to draw or paint, my hands strived to work hard in my high school career, from an aspect that I know al humans have the talent to do, that is to help. I realized my hands were instruments in my own life. Just because they couldn't paint or create a work of art worthy enough to be on my walls, does not mean they could not construct something even greater. I began working closely with community service organizations. I honestly spent my time working with the homeless, the elderly, shelter cats and low income children an entire society who are often overlooked. Still unsure of my chosen career path, I know I want to be associated with aiding communities, people, and animals. I bare the hands of humanitarian. I want to utilize my hands to demonstrate the art of helping, in that I am an artist. By the end of the day, I realized my hands created the experience. The days event couldn't be hung up on a wall or portrayed in a gallery or museum. Staring down at my hands nervous, broken, ripped up and continuously in progress. They somehow represented my life, they were on the right track to finding out what I want to accomplish. I am constantly pushing myself to do better, whether that be from chipping off the last coat of nail polish to redo it, or to travel from organizations to lend my rugged hands. My hands represent me, how I am completely determined, to push myself to do better, while helping as many people on the way. No one has ever needed to reprimand me to do my homework or go to bed. I am self reliant I have never been mandated by others to keep my grades up, or work harder, because I was forced to force myself. I take accountability for all my success, and all of my mistakes. If you were too look at my hands you'd probably think I was a nervous reck, chipping off nail polish a but I know its just my way of pushing myself to do better; So maybe one day my hands and my life will look exactly how I want them to. My hands represent a famous quotation written by Marianne William son, "Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." My hands show me that I am not inadequate, but I have the ability to change these instruments and surpass their potential. After all, they aren't just hands, they are an apparatus to my future, whatever it may be.
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "to live a life completely different from my father" - Personal Statement Essay [4]

This is SO powerful.
I loved it
the imagery was amazing, I felt like I was in the moment. I think you just need to describe your emotions a little more. What you want to be, and how you know you will never be like your father. Talk about what you want your future to be like, and how it will be different from your childhood with your father.
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Scarffiee" Personal Statement/Common App - topic of choice [6]

I LOVED this essay.
The topic was so original, and did not seem cliche at all. It really expressed your opinion on the head scarf, and you made a great connection between america and Iran.

I suggest you add a few more comparisons about your life vs. typical american customs, but other then that great job.
Dec 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Gay Rights and Why I want to attend- Vesalius College [12]

This was a great essay, very passionate,
the only thing I suggest, is that you make it way more personal. I know you mentioned having a gay best friend, but talk more about the way you feel. Other then that it was great

good job,
good luck!
Dec 1, 2010
Undergraduate / BU Supplement- "Things I want to accomplish as an undergradute" [NEW]


Essay #1: Given what you know about Boston University, what do you hope to accomplish as an undergraduate here? Please respond in an essay of no more than 500 words

There are so many things I would like to accomplish and contribute to in my short time as an undergraduate student. Although it is trite, "the world is your oyster" is a generic but sentimental term that I secretly use as a template when looking toward my future. With so many expectations, I know I will make the best of my time, without letting anything stop or overwhelm me. In the words of Zora Neale Hurston, as an undergraduate I will only be "sharpening my oyster knife."

Aside from learning from my different peers, I hope to become a part of one of BU's many organizations. I find BU's immense variety of organizations are both incredible and inviting. Organizations that allow you to be apart of real life experiences, while keeping a close bond with group members who share the same passions. I am definitely attracted to the fact that BU has over four hundred student organizations on campus. Special interest groups such as 'The Film Lovers and Philosophers' Society' is something I would love to be apart of as a Film major in high school and a life long interest with cinema. 'FLAPS' seems like a unique and specific club, where great discussions take place. I would love to be even a minor part of that.

Being President of my high school's National Honor Society is something I am extremely passionate about. I have spent so much time working on making NHS a prominent club in its first few years at my school. Boston University offers a National Society of Collegiate Scholars, which can closely be associated with National Honor Society. Although the two may differ, both organizations honor the academic success of students including community service events, and leadership activities. Honor society chapters are great organizations that hold an importance to the members and do a great job giving back to the community.

One element that essentially attracts me to Boston University is the basis of mass assortment. With students from across the world, diversity is everywhere. In an environment of over eighteen thousand undergraduate students, I want to blend myself into a group of peers who are extremely different. I want to share a diverse way of thinking. Being in a new atmosphere, is one of the greatest ways to learn. An assimilation of distinctly different perspectives and experiences allow great individual growth in a person's character.

BU is a renowned and amazing school. I feel undergraduate students have so many oppourtunites. Everything I want to accomplish as an undergraduate would only be excelled at BU. I feel as if it is a school that has been tailored perfectly for me. That any student can become the next Pulitzer prize winner , CEO, senator or famous actor. At Boston University, I know I cannot accomplish everything, but I will have the ability to accomplish anything.
Nov 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "Lots of students + academic variety" - OSU Essay - Why interested? [3]

I think you should shy away from just saying the schools statistics (i.e when you stated the numbers of minority groups and students) the school knows their stats, focus more on details about YOU! and why you wanna go their, what specifically attracts you to the school, like a major or a study abroad program, you should stick with your theme about a lot of people, and diversity but make it more you!

Nov 19, 2010
Undergraduate / 'After anorexia, self-harm, and through continual intensive treatment' UC Prompt2 [5]

I think this topic is extremely sensitive an original, being that I really think you should make it more personal, how did you feel prior to your invertention, prior to going to treatment, then describe in much more detail the way you felt when you were there, and then looking back on the situation now. I think its great so far, just try to make it seem a little bit more personal and less general,

great job though! hope you get in.
Nov 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "illustration of a utopia with diversity" - how you first became interested in BU [4]

I know my answer is kind of long. BUT ANY CRITICISM, OR HELP AT ALL WOULD BE GREAT! THANKS!

In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

Working at my summer job, I met a co-worker who was a senior at BU, intrigued about the school I asked him how he liked it, on the bus. For the next five minutes he illustrated a university utopia with diversity disseminated from the people to the professors. Later that day, I looked into the schools website, since then I spent countless hours watching as many videos, reading tons of excerpts and clicking as many links as possible. I also made sure to diligently stop at the BU table, during the three college fairs I attended outside of school. Unable to finance a trip to visit Boston, I frugally used Google maps 'street view' application, to "visit" BU's campus.

Making the most genuine connection through a two dimensional computer screen,making me realize Boston University was ideally where I belong
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / i feel as if this is the BEST.. how about you?(personal statement) [5]

I think your essay has a great intro, and i love the theme about your dad. Without making it too long why dont you go into more detail on how things were at home with your mom, and why you two didnt get along do well. Also be WAY more specific on the things your dad did to help you and ESPECIALLY how it make you feel...
Oct 5, 2010
Scholarship / A topic that intellectually excites you about 'speciesism' - Scholarship essay [10]

Hahaha! I know I tried not to sound to condescending to people who love meat and torturing animals! They lengthed the dead line is there anything else I should add to get the point across? or things I should possibly take out? thsi isnt the final final piece I edited it a little.

Oct 5, 2010
Scholarship / About "Parents" - Biographical Scholarship Essay (life challenges) [9]

Thanks So Much I completely agree, but how do I do that using some sort of experience or anecdote, because I am still undecided for my college major and career choice, but I do want to exemplify how I am determined and career driven.
Sep 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Intellectually Exciting - Kaleidoscopes [3]

Never would I have thought that a toy could convey actuality but I was dazzled by what the kaleidoscope had to offer. Try to reword this differently it doesnt make that much sense 'convey actuality'?

I loved the topic though, It was great kaleidoscopes are cool and this topic is really unique!
good job
Sep 28, 2010
Undergraduate / A week at Warrenville Paint and Hardware - experience, achievement, risk, dilemma [6]

I liked the general tone of your essay..
The only thing I think you should work on is making it more on you. It is a personal essay, discuss more on how you felt during those situations at the store. Add more detail on how your experience changed your perspective on things. Make your anecdote less of the focus of your essay, and your 'personal lesson" more of it.

good start though

do you mind if you can take a look at mine...?
Sep 28, 2010
Scholarship / "Only If He Had A Vision" - critique my Questbridge essay. [5]

I think its a great theme and opening paragraph. I love the helen keller quote, but does it work with the theme of your essay? You are not accurately explaining your vision i liked how you described your neighborhood, but maybe you should focus more on what YOU would change about it. And less about what your family and schools entail. Focus more on a specific thing, like the education- you had a great lead with that. describe specific details about what you would change. because they want to hear about you.
Sep 28, 2010
Scholarship / A topic that intellectually excites you about 'speciesism' - Scholarship essay [10]

Hi- I need this edited and revised and done by TOMORROW! if anyone CAN PLEASE HELP! any feedback, thoughts, comments, edits or help at all would be greatly appreciated! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it? (500 word limit)

Sometime in February of 2008, I received an email, from an animal rights foundation. The words 'WATCH THIS REMARKABLE VIDEO' appeared in big bold font on the screen. Intrigued, I clicked the link and a video popped up onto my computer screen. The link was entitled 'Earthlings' and the video was comprised of a seven minute opening to a documentary film. With a 'viewer discretion is advised' warning, I scrolled my mouse down and pressed the small horizontal triangle. For exactly six minutes and fity-seven minutes my eyes were fixated on the screen.

Watching the film has drastically changed my life and the way I perceive things. While vegetarianism has become a popular trend in today's generation, the profound exposition of necessary animal rights converted me to not only stop eating meat, but to perceive human behavior in an entirely different way.

I commemorate the film for introducing me to a new philosophy, one that I had never even heard of before, speciesism.
It is more than just a theory for animal rights activist. The philosophy of speciesism is similar to racism and sexism. In which racist or sexist, feel people of a different race or gender are inferior to them. Speciesism is the theory of a humans natural superiority complex by treating other species as inferior objects. Extreme racist and sexist are not commonly accepted, but humans across the world take part in speciesism, because society allows it. The human abuse of animals through slaughterhouses, medical research, fashion apparel, and recreational entertainment is something I am strongly against.

The universal problems of speciesism, racism and sexism trigger a huge quandary in my mind. The term earthlings, is shared by all ethnicities,religions,genders,species, and organisms that inhabit the earth. I question what forms humans to feel dominant? What is the terminology behind prejudice? What triggers one being to inflict suffering amongst another being? A clash of interest trigger an ongoing violation of equality. Stated in the documentary,

"No matter what the nature of the being, the principle of equality requires that one suffering should be counted equally with the like suffering of any other being."

These moral values, developed centuries ago have become implanted in our everyday lives like a set of rules; but are not acknowledged in situations we as humans take part in, such as speciesism. The development of human behavior and study of humanity triggers an abundance of quandaries in my mind. I strive to learn more about philosophy, applied ethics, sociology and anthropology. Being introduced to the topic of speciesism has intellectually excited me, and has led to the desire to grasp other concepts similar to speciesism. I strive for the skill to have some ability in specifically understanding human behavior.
Sep 26, 2010
Scholarship / "concept that intellectually excites you" essay; "I have a question" [5]

i think this is a great essay. I love the concept of the universe.. But i think you should start it off differently. I loved the intro it was extremely descriptive, but talk more about the moments before your experience.. instead of questioning your mother about 'life' describe more of a specific question that led to your findings..
Sep 25, 2010
Undergraduate / From QuestBridge App: Diversity in college community [4]

I think its a great concept about 9/11 - it is cool to see your perspective on it since you came to america a year after. Maybe you can talk about your experience coming to the u.s after it happened, and veer away from your uncles story about vietnam its a good start just try and stay on track about how your life is diverse, or what 'diversity means to you'
Sep 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "My experience with a multicultural background" - Common App Essay, feedback? [7]

I think this essay was actually great.
one of the best I have read
It was original, described a trip but it cut to the point and you even evaluated the lesson you learned in the end. The only thing I would suggest, is probably elaborate more on the 'multicultural' aspect, describe more about the similarities and differences in from your parents, and how you have changed from it. The way you view there desire for chinese culture. ( ALSO, a hint since new york is similar to beijing it may not be a good idea to complain about the crowded streets, humidity and transportation since new york has all of that also and Columbia is in nyc.- just a thought!)

Good luck with Columbia, I hope you get in
Sep 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Proud African and a Proud Band Geek": Evaluate an ethical dilemma [5]

I think you have a great first half, and a great second half. Unfortunately they don't blend together that well, I think you should elaborate more on your cultural identity, and start with an ethical dilemma, because starting the essay with a moment in time from one of your marching band shows, implies that the rest of the story is going to be about that.
Sep 22, 2010
Scholarship / About "Parents" - Biographical Scholarship Essay (life challenges) [9]

Hi this is a true and personal biographical essay, the directions are below, it is due at the end of the month so if anyone can PLEASEE!! give any criticism GOOD OR BAD OR BOTH! and it has not really been proof read, so any comments will help! thank you!

ASSIGNMENT: Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word 'parent' in two meanings,''one that begets or brings forth offspring" and "a person who brings up and cares for another"

Although, I have not brought forth any offspring, I think I can define myself as a parent. My life has been filled with a balance of almost everything. One thing I would like to take account for, is the fact that my lifestyle forced me to be a parent by the age of ten.

I was born into the midst of a divorce. From the earliest I can remember, there was always a fight. The reason I know, is not because I remember the yelling, the arguing or the doors slamming, because honestly I don't; but I do remember the after shock. The aftershock consisted of my mother becoming upset, gently crying in a room by herself, quietly. At the age of five, I would sneak in, and begin hugging her extra tight so she would stop crying. I cradled her in my tiny arms, and consoled her as if she were one of plastic baby dolls, that would sob from a battery powered speaker box embedded into her back. I owe my mother my entire life; I will forever be in debt to her, for every little thing she has done. I can't help but to view her as a priceless possession, one of which I am highly protective. As a disclaimer, in no way do I take full credit for my own life, because in reality, no matter how mature I can act, I am still a child. However, I feel like I have a natural instinct that she is forever my responsibility, because in actuality she is.

I grew up thinking that your 'parents' were supposed to live separately, that the 'normal' lifestyle was to spend weekends bouncing between the two houses. My father had the type of mindset, that to be successful one should be self sufficient. If I needed help brushing my hair or tying my shoes, he would make me learn on my own. Eventually, I learned if I wanted to do something, I would have to learn how to do it myself. These were qualities my father had in himself, that he disseminated through out my childhood. It wasn't until I was eight when I saw a change in his demeanor. He stopped my sister and me in the kitchen one day, and told us he was 'sick'. He handed over a paper to my sister, she held it close to her face and high above my head. I wasn't concerned with the information on the paper, optimistically I disregarded it and considered his 'sickness' equivalent to having 'the common cold'. Unfortunately, the paper described his diagnosis of lung cancer. How many eight year olds understand the concept of lung cancer? All I knew was that he said "I'll be okay, I'll fight it" with a relaxed smile and a glare that forced me to trust him. That was all I needed, six words reassured me that, I had nothing to worry about. There was nothing to be skeptical about, when my father had said something he always meant it.

The weekends we spent with him the following year involved me learning how to do things for myself, while learning how to do things for him. I was his 'little helper,' I learned how to cook and clean. I learned how to cater to his every need. I knew how to play quietly when he needed rest, and how to stay awake when he needed help. I watched my father who had disciplined me my whole life to be independent, slowly dissolve into someone who was dependent on me.Eventually, I was dismissed from my 'little helper' job. My father had not meant what he said, he couldn't keep fighting, and that winter he was gone.

Life is filled with things you can't control. If someone is arrogant enough to think they can control life, they have not been a parent. It is like an extra gene encoded in my DNA. Sometimes I feel it has been a weakness it has repressed me from living carelessly. I guide my mother when she confides in me. I try to look out for her when I can. I financially compensate her, with whatever money I have. It has made me self reliant. I have never been enforced by others to keep my grades up, or work harder, because I push myself far enough. I take accountability for all my success, and all of my mistakes. I have involuntarily learned some vital lessons. I honor growing up quickly, as the outcome of my experiences. I may still be a child, but I have been a parent.