Graduate / THRUST - motivation letter for masters in mechanical engineering [3]


I wish you shorten this sentence or split it to two lines. This seems to be too lengthy and the reader is required to memorize too many details in one go.

So developing highly efficient turbo machinery is crucial tofor ensuring future energy sustainability.
This along with a strong competitive mind helped me secure 230th rank in the West Bengal Joint Entrance examination among approximately 100,000 candidates

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Money as a members of staff reward for their exceptional contribution to the company [4]

Giving awardRewarding in some form is always the most effective way to motivate employees' working performance.Because of this reason, some employers decide to usereward employees for their outstanding contributions with extra paymentsmoney as a reward for their worker's special contribution.

I like your introduction. It follows a good approach, contains good grammar and flow :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Should we invent a new language for people to use for international communication? [2]


Why do you talk about "English" in particular here? Your prompt is much broader and talk about the invention of a new language for global communication and it does not mention anything about English. In the introduction , try to introduce the issue in its original version. You can talk about English as an example in the body paragraphs. In the intro, introduce the topic and then state your opinion.

Writing Feedback / "Courage, my friends" - Tommy Douglas stands out as one of the greatest Canadian [2]

In fact, Canada is known for its successful Medicare system. Statistic showconfirm Canadians are among the healthiest people in the world. This allAll these achievements would have not been possible without Tommy Douglas. It all started with him having athe bone infection as a childhe suffered with during his childhood.

He was lucky that a surgeon offered to operate on him for free of charge . That surgery saved Douglas leg. A vision of free medical care to every citizen was bornforconceived in young Douglas's mind after the kind act of generosity by thehis surgeon.

Undergraduate / Who I am ; U of M - My community and place within it [3]

I walk into the temple. I see men in turbans, women in their salwar kameez, a traditional modest traditional garment, and the children playing as they all(or their parents? ... not so clear whom you refer to by "they" ) are listening to the priests sing the poetic writings of the Sikh gods. I step into this temple every week to meet the same people and listen to the same chants and realize that my Sikh community has madeshaped me into the person who I am today.

Writing Feedback / It is very boring and monotonous to keep living in the place you were born until you die [3]

First and foremost, there may be more job opportunities available in another area.outside.
For example, many people choose to immigratemigrate to the city seeking opportuniti es to earn more money.
Least but not the last, travelling helps us to bebecome more knowledgeable and moreexperienced and most importantly broaden our perspectives.

This is a very well written essay ... You display excellent writing skills :)

Writing Feedback / How the Vietnamese invasion of Cambodia affected the United States-feedback [5]

The Vietnamese invasion of Cambodia also affected people's actionsperceptions on war and their behavior (actions and behavior more or less mean the same... so I suggest this change) as well. One thing that people did to express their views on the war was to start anti-war protests. Many of these protests occurred at colleges. One of the most famous protests that took place at Kent State University. Multiple people were killed during these protests.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: learning a foreign language early has benefits for an individual but not for the culture [4]

You should have included the essay prompt for us to have a better understanding as to what it requires from you.
Language is the most prominent way of communicating with each other. Different culturescommunities haveuse different languages or dialects.The language that parents inherit you is the mother tongue(this sentence does not provide any meaningful contribution to your essay).Accept that all other languages become the foreign language. In Sri lanka Sinhala is the mother tongue, English has become the most needed foreign language.

Hi Hiruni,
You need to follow a better approach for IELTS Task 2 introduction. You should open your intro with a good hook (a catchy sentence that is meaningful and providing a good entrance to your essay). Then introduce the background of the issue by paraphrasing your prompt. Then state your opinion on the issue very clearly.

Had you included the prompt , I could have helped you with a sample intro :)

Writing Feedback / ielts essay about water shortage [12]

You should have included the full prompt of your essay for us to understand what it really requires from you.
Fresh water scarcity is a problem at a staggering rate of growing population. Although water covers seventy percent of the Earth's surface, not all that water is drinkable and the problem of lack of clean drinking water impacts on billions of livespeople everyday.

You write well :)

Writing Feedback / 4 types of landfill waste in Molovia, Bratistan, Atlantis, Senia and Vatania [7]


.... Yes, this is very important :) You need to upload the image presentation to EF for us to have a closer look at it and align our feedbacks accordingly. Use the feature "Attach File (s)" in the Message block and upload your files :)

Research Papers / INTRODUCTION OF NEGATIVE NUMBERS IN THE GREEK MATHEMATICAL EDUCATION [5]


This paper intends to study the introduction of negative numbers by Greek mathematicians.


The latter part sounds a bit confusing for me... I wish you rephrase that again.


.... In this , the first part is more confusing :(
Try and write shorter and more simple sentences as they have better clarity :)

Writing Feedback / Most important characteristic of a good teacher? [3]

You better include the full prompt in your post for us to get a better understanding as to what it means :)


This sentence is too very long to be your hook. You should open your essay with an interesting hook that has the ability to grab the readers' attention. It should be shorter,catchy, meaningful and relevant to the topic.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: If young children did not get in touch with technology, their creation would not develop [4]

I found this thread in Essays forum. However, you should have opened it in the Writing Feedback forum as it is the most appropriate forum for TOEFL essays. Also, it is good if you include the full prompt in the post for us to have a better understanding about what it requires from you. Hope you'd follow these instructions in your future threads.


This is not a very good hook to open your essay. Your hook should be more relevant to the topic and comes with a punch :(

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Sometimes we have to do something for others which are not interesting for us [5]

It is very important that you include your prompt in the post for us to have a better understanding about what it requires from you. Without seeing the prompt it is difficult for us to align our comments with what it expects.


Well, generally we recommend the pattern that you introduce the background of the prompt and then state your opinion on it. (This needs to be done in the intro). In the body paras you should elaborate more on why you hold that opinion by giving reasons and supporting them with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / People should be aware of health risks - dramatic increase in fast food consuming [4]

What is the purpose of writing this essay? Is it for IELTS, TOEFL? Mention the purpose in the title itself so that others can provide you with more task relevant feedbacks. Also, include the essay prompt in the post for us to understand what it really requires from you and align our comments accordingly. Please follow these instruction in your next thread :)

You display excellent writing skills - good grammar, vocabulary , ideas , presentation - all that's excellent.

Writing Feedback / Most people believe that adult should provide all child demands, because they not are independent [3]


Well, the first feeling I got is that your essay is too short for the task. You need to meet the minimum word requirement and do not fall short of it.

Then, you begin your essay by expressing your opinion. It is recommended that you first introduce the issue and then express your opinion on that.

Follow this approach for your introduction.
Write an interesting sentence which we call a hook that can grab your reader's attention. It should be interesting, meaningful and relevant to your topic. Make sure that it is not a very lengthy sentence. Then introduce the issue to the reader - you can do this by paraphrasing your prompt. Finally, tell your opinion to the reader very clearly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 1: meat and poultry consumption [2]

The line graph comparespresents the per capita consumption of different meat items, namely beef, pork, brollersbroilers and turkey in each year in the US. in the United States from 1955 to 2012.

You should mention the time frames in the introduction if your graphs deal with them.

It is clear thatbeefBeef has beenwas by far the most popular meat of 4all four types of meat for the majority ofexcept for the last few years in the 57-year period, whereas turkey washas been the least popular. Another noticeable feature is thatFurther, the average consumption of beef and brollersbroilershad varied considerably throughout the period , while the figures for turkey and pork remained relatively stable over the period as a whole.

Writing Feedback / I believe that society has been helped by the invention of the Internet [6]

One way that the Internet benefits society is that people can much communicate much more easily with its help.

Well, you say that the Internet has made communication easier, but the example you are citing is not really supporting that idea. Rather it is not so clear as to how it is connected with the reason you are highlighting.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: In which areas people made important progress? [6]

Today,the role of English as a global language is indispensable.Some people are of the pointview that we can implementintroduce a new language for the people to use for international activities. Although this trendinitiative may beis a useful way to create a new channel andplatform that facilitates universal cooperation,I believe it raises a number of warrying issues.

Well... what is the link between your first and the second sentence? Not very clear?

Writing Feedback / Vehicle has enhanced people being. However, cars harm nature. [3]

Nowadays, most of the people live in big cities and every working day they have to get to their job.commute to their work place.


Out of several available modes of transportation , the automobile can be considered as one such most favored transportation mode.


However, some people view that automobiles have seriously harm our environment.


Your prompt directly asks you what is your opinion on that. So, you better conclude your introduction with a statement that clearly describes your opinion.

Writing Feedback / SAT - "happiness is not something that happens to us after we get what we want" [4]


Impressive start :)
It seems to be something close at hand yetor sometimes far away from our grasp.


I like this introduction ... It's well presented with excellent grammar, vocabulary and a beautiful flow :)


I agree with foxyh. I think you've done a good job :)

Writing Feedback / We are always told that money is the most fundamental if one wants to make his own living [5]

Well, if that is a case, then stick to one particular approach. This is what I suggest for this task;
INTRODUCTION- Begin your essay with a strong hook and then introduce the background of the issue. State your opinion clearly before concluding your intro.
Body para 1; Write the first reason to justify your opinion. Support that reason with a specific example.
Body para 2 ; Write the second reason and support it with the example
Conclusion ; Sum up what you said above and reinstate your opinion.
I suggest you to stick to 4 para structure. If you get more free time, then add another body para in between :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Effect of movies and computer games containing violence [7]

On the one hand, it is often cited that popularity of violent movies and online games isare one of the primary causes of increase in number of mass violence and restricting society from such films or games is a probable solution.

Well, I like you begin another line for the second idea as this sentence is pretty long. Longer the sentence, harder it is for the reader to remember details. You should always keep the reader satisfied by giving him less work ...LOL

You write very well and I am sure you can aim for a very good score :)

Undergraduate / 'The three major artists and designers' - Two short essays for Art center Pasadena [3]

Art and design are constantly changingsubject to constant change , and there are alwaysnew trends keep emerging in the design field. Personally I believe that a designer cannot really make a direct impact on the world (no comma) by himself, however, the impact that a designer putsongets his audience to experiencecan thenwould influence that crowdthem to makehave a difference in life.

Writing Feedback / 'Europe had degraded most of its land' - three regions of the world during 1990's [2]

First, you need to upload the charts in to the thread for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Without seeing the charts, we cannot form any opinion on your writing. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload your image file.

As for the approach for this task, I wish you follow this;
1. Introduction - Introduce the charts very briefly and include if there is any time frames involved with them
2. Overview - This should give an overall idea about what the charts present. So tell the reader about the main trends or observations very very briefly. Do not have any details like percentages, data etc. in this overview.

3. Detailed paras - Now describe the trends with all details :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Schools greatest failure is that it focuses too intensely on academic subjects [9]

It is always better to include your full prompt in the post so that we can have a better understanding about what it really requires from you and align our feedbacks more with it. Though it is difficult to say whether you have aligned your writing with the prompt requirements without seeing it, I feel you need to improve the approach of the introduction. This is how I suggest you to construct your intro; Begin your essay with a hook statement, which is catchy, meaningful and relevant to the topic (do not write very lengthy sentences for a hook), Then introduce the background of the issue to the reader (this you can do by paraphrasing the prompt itself) Finally state your opinion very very clearly.

Writing Feedback / 'We should acknowledge and use most suitable methods of learning' - Books vs Experience? [3]


You need to improve the presentation of this line. This is the opening sentence of your essay and we generally call this line a "hook" as it needs to hook the reader to your writing. So you need to write a very interesting sentence which is meaningful and relevant to your topic if you are going to give a great start to your essay. This idea is not clear to the reader and I think you should rephrase this line.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'food, drink and tobacco' - statistic of expenditure graph [3]


Yes, your approach seems to be fine with me too - Introduction, Overview ( overall idea of the image presentation without any details) and the Detailed paras. That is exactly what we keep suggesting others also to follow for this task. However, I like if you adopt a bit more formal approach that suits report writing as this task is meant to assess your report writing capabilities. For example;


.... "It is clear that" sounds a bit informal. Keep reporting your observations and facts in a more reporting tone :)

Writing Feedback / In order to avoid social crisis we should treat the elders with a courteous attitude [3]


This sentence has a few issues :(
Here you assume that the reader knows the topic. However, the purpose of introduction is to introduce the topic. So, first introduce the issue and then tell the reasons and your view. Second, the sentence is too for a hook (the opening sentence of an essay which has the ability to grab the reader's attention)

Older people today are not treated with respect because they are regarded to beseen as barriers to social progress forby many young people

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: studying overseas can be difficult at first, but gaining experience make it worth it [7]


Your prompt is directly asking you about the opinion you hold on this issue. So, it is better to be more straight forward and express your own view on it in the introduction before concluding the intro. What you have written above is not adding much value to your essay and tend to keep the reader in that vague status.

To begin with, it is true that there arewill be numerous problems resulting fromthat students would have to face when they go abroad for studiesgoing abroad.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay, living in big cities or living in small towns; the Article [4]


Well, I find this sentence is not very relevant to your topic. In the intro, you need to start with a great hook that comes with a punch to the reader. The hook should be shorter, catchy, relevant and meaningful :) This is what I suggest for this essay;

The life in a big city and in a small town are entirely different
For me, I prefer to live in bigger cities thatthan in small ones, this personal attitude is the result of many factors

Pay attention to grammar and clarity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Effects of technology to communication - dangers for a society [7]

In the past, the method of communication was pretty straightforward. .... good start :)

If you want to speak to a person, you go out and physically meet the person somewhere and you talk in front of each other.

Avoid redundancy - Do not repeat ideas too much.


Well, today it does not happen to the level what it has been. So, you've got to highlight that point here. That's the core of this issue.

Writing Feedback / Toefl writing is my weakness, hope you can help me, the question is written in the message. [5]

My grandparents always tell me that life today is better than their life when they wereas children. But, in my own view, I disagree with this statementview(no comma) because I think life today is more difficult than the life beforecomplicated and difficult than what it has been in previous eras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Easy for poor people to get access to university education [4]

Well, it is always good to post the full essay .... I mean all parts of the essay including the intro and the conclusion. Your introduction helps us understand the issue and what position you take on that. The body paras should be written accordingly by giving reasons to justify your position and support those reasons with specific examples. So, it is good for us to have a look at the intro too :)


This sentence is way too long and the reader has got to memorize so many details to connect all your ideas together. Avoid writing such lengthy sentences as they get the reader bored.

Writing Feedback / Fast food is cheap and convenient therefore has positive impact on human eating habits [3]

Good introduction ... You have good writing skills :)


I wish you shortened this sentence. Your point here is that fast foods offer convenient and efficient solutions for our food needs. So, give more focus to that as it is the reason you need to put forward to defend your opinion. So talk about the importance of such solution to our busy lifestyles. You can give very specific examples to support your point :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: bar chart - average retirement age among seven countries in 2004 and 2008 [5]


This is what I suggest for your introduction;
The two bar charts present the details of average retirement age of men and women respectively in seven different countries from 2004 to 2008.


Before this detailed para, you need to write an Overview of what this graphical presentation is about. Write about the main trends you observe and you should do that very briefly without including any details such as data or other statistics.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: extraordinarily cautious is important since rough work is intolerable [3]


Well, this is not so attractive way to begin your essay. You need to open your essay with a sentence which we call a hook that can grab the reader's attention to your writing. So, this hook should be an interesting and meaningful idea which is presented very clearly with a punch. Do not write very complicated sentences to open your essay. They make your reader bored :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Everyone possess a talent - we should recognize it and improve [4]


... well, prodigy is a word used to describe more about qualities or nature. It is not the best word to use for conveying this idea. Do not have the habit of replacing words with synonyms if you do not have a good knowledge about their appropriate usage. That may distort the entire idea of your sentence.

Writing Feedback / Long period of studying will make students feel bored and limit their self-study [5]

Well, it is good for us to know the purpose of writing this essay, e.g. IELTS or TOEFL (include the purpose in your title) and also the full prompt (you can include it in the same post). They help us understand your prompt better and provide you with more task related feedbacks.


In my view, this sentence is too long be an interesting hook that can grab the reader's attention as you open your essay. Write a shorter, clearer and more interesting sentence to start your essay.

Writing Feedback / The line graph: Migration Statistics in UK [3]


Well, this is a task that aims at assessing your report writing skills and therefore you need to adopt a more reporting style for your writing. So, be more formal and concise. Avoid phrases like "Some interesting facts" that sound too formal and not really suitable for reporting. This is what I suggest for your intro;

The line graphs and the bar chart illustrate the details of international migration in the United Kingdom from 1999 to 2008.