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Posts by admission2012
Name: Admissions Track
Joined: Aug 25, 2011
Last Post: Nov 29, 2017
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admission2012   
Nov 29, 2017
Undergraduate / USC Undergad Supplemental Essay - Why USC? Major: Communications 2nd choice: International Studies [4]

Hello,

You will need to dive a little deeper here. There are a few Annenberg school of communications around the nation. Why USC? Talk about several courses that you are eager to take. How will those courses help you achieve your goals. I like that you discussed internships and study abroad as those are major factors in deciding on a particular program as well. Finally, I would encourage you to discuss any research interests that you may have and also any secondary interests that will link to other programs at the university.
admission2012   
Nov 29, 2017
Graduate / Explanation for poor grades during study abroad program and GRE - Extenuating situation statements. [5]

If I were reading your application, I would literally throw the entire application in the garbage. Your application should always come from a standpoint of strength. Not only did you try to explain away bad grades, but also a bad GRE. This is a double wammy and will 100% kill your chances for admissions at any top 10 program. A good application uplifts the applicant. There is absolutely never a need to discuss bad grades or GRE scores unless the bad grades occurred towards the end of a student's academic career. All this will do is cause the admissions committee to actually pull your record and go through it with a fine tooth comb. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Nov 29, 2017
Graduate / Olin business school Master of Finance required essay--- I want to learn real expertise [4]

Hello,

What you discuss here is mainly risk management. Are you sure that you want to complete a MSF program or a risk management one? If MSF, you will need to discuss more about your future goals in finance. What specifically do you want to do with the degree? Investment banking, Sales and Trading, Operations exactly what? I liked the fact that you made sure to mention that you have experience with computer applications and programming as that is indeed the direction that finance is heading. The last thing I suggest that you do here is tie some unique factors of the OLIN experience to what you want to do in the future. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Nov 29, 2017
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master of Science in Chemical Engineering Practice [5]

This is a great SOP except that you need to discuss further the benefits of the specific program that you are applying to. Why this program and not another. What specific resources does this program have that will help you achieve both your short and long term goals?The admissions committee at this school will want to see how their program will serve as the bridge that you need to cross in order to achieve your career goals. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Nov 29, 2017
Undergraduate / I am applying to UBC and in the application form, it requires me to write an essay about myself [6]

This essay is not too coherent. In any event, all they are asking you is "What are you passionate about?" When you are passionate about something, it will exude and manifest itself in various areas throughout your life. This is why the prompt goes on to ask how would people who are close to you describe you. If you are passionate about dance, clearly state that right from the top.Talk about how dance makes you feel. Describe your feelings when you are doing what you enjoy. Since you have won many accolades for dancing, you can briefly discuss the most important one you have won and why. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Nov 29, 2017
Undergraduate / I want to be at a school that makes me happy - FIT Admissions Essay [3]

Hello,

Right off the top, you violated rule number 1 in admissions essays-----do not paint yourself in a negative light. Essentially what you are saying here is "I went to other schools and did horribly, but FIT should accept me so that I can do amazing here....." How does that sound to an admissions officer? Not too good. You can still tell this same story without explicitly stating anything negative about yourself. Overall this essay is very superficial. FIT values actions. Demonstrate true passion for the fashion industry by showing how you have been involved. Are you apart of a fashion merchandising or fashion retail clubs at your current school? Are you apart of any associations? Have you worked in retail management? These are the aspects of your application that will make you stand out. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Oct 22, 2017
Undergraduate / Cornell School of Hotel Administration Essay, How Does It Look So Far? Does It Answer The Question? [5]

Hello,

" The ability to spend over 800 hours actually working in real-world situations ensures that I'll be able to gain valuable work experience while pursuing what I love. The education the Hotel School offers is not only diverse, but also practical. "

This is the strongest point of your essay. You need to exploit this. Cornell is well known for their externship and exploratory programs. Provide a solid example of how you envision your practical experience would be. What areas of hotel management would you want to explore or be most interested in. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Oct 12, 2017
Undergraduate / My diverse upbringing; culture is the most valueable asset - Apply Texas [4]

I think this was good essay aside from the typos that you have here. Since most Texas state schools utilize their own version of the common app, you do not have the option to pick a common app prompt. However, I do not think you needed to anyway as this essay is certainly about your personal background circumstances and how the different environments have helped shape the person that you are today. I especially liked the fact that you started a cultural club and through that experience, you became more open to explore. Admissions committees really like when students broaden their horizons to tackle situations that may initially be uncomfortable for them. Your ending was also simple yet extremely impactful. I think this was a straight forward great essay. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Oct 11, 2017
Undergraduate / Essay that Discusses My Personal Story [6]

Hello,

While it is completely normal to want to show adoration of and reverence for your parents, this is not the prompt to do so. This prompt is specifically asking you to discuss YOURSELF. They want to know about something that is so central to your identity that your application would be incomplete if you did not mention it. The bar here is set really high, they want to know what are you obsessed with? What about you would others find intriguing? What are you passionate about? Start here and then you will be on your way to answering this prompt correctly. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Oct 11, 2017
Graduate / SOP for MS in Business Analytics; the dynamic field of big data analytics, predictive analytics [3]

Hello

As a first draft this was a good SOP. However, there are two glaring concerns here. The first being that you do not really flush out what you want to do with this degree. Wanting to work with big data sets doesn't really tell the admissions committee much about your future goals. You should dedicate a least a few sentences to this as this will help the admissions committee see if they have the resources to help you achieve your desired goals. The second issue, which also connects to the first issue, is the first sentence in your closing paragraph. You stated that you work does not satiate your thirst for knowledge. You should not frame it this way, rather show how your work has allowed you to see that there are tremendous learning opportunities in the field and that you need further academic preparation in order to become a leader in the industry. This is a far better approach. ZS consulting sends dozens of associates to top business schools every year. I have personally worked with several. The adcoms at these schools know that ZS offers a wide range of projects that can challenge anyone. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Sep 23, 2017
Graduate / Draft Academic Statement of Purpose for School of Information Univ. of Michigan [4]

Wow! Let's take a giant step back. At over 1600 words, this essay is massive and extremely hard to read/understand in one go. I know that it appears as though they are asking you for a lot, but in reality they are not. You have jammed this essay with everything and the kitchen sink. Here is a better method: Make a list of everything that they ask of you to include in this essay. Then jot down the two top responses to each prompt. Just one sentence for each. Now here is the kicker, at least one response for each prompt must link to a response in the prompt below. So when you are done you will have something like this:

 What are the critical issues in the field of information? (What do you see as the major issues in the industry right now?)
1. Point 1.....
2. Point 2....(somewhat related to point 1 of the next prompt)
 What are your aspirations in the field of information? (How will you address those issues/ how will you add value to the industry to make it better?)

1.Point 1........(Related to Point 2 ^ of previous prompt)
2. Point 2....
 What is your understanding of the University of Michigan School of Information (UMSI)? (Why this program? What makes it unique?)
 How will an UMSI education help you reach your aspirations? (How will this program help you address the issues in the industry?)
 What would you contribute to the UMSI community and to the field as a whole?

This way you will automatically streamline your essay and keep one topic flowing into the next. You have all the elements of a winning essay here, you just need to structure the ideas better and then at the end, fix the grammar. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Sep 22, 2017
Undergraduate / Kiwis Cant Fly. I read that in a bird book once. Common App Essay [4]

I think this is an OK start and I like your writing style and tone, but there is much room for improvement here. I disagree with Holt in that I think talking about this 5th grade experience is completely appropriate and it does answer the prompt in part. The prompt is asking for an event or a realization that SPARKED a period of personal growth and it is entirely plausible that this event sparked that for the writer. We know that students become really inquisitive about the world, society and its regulations around the 4th, 5th or 6th grades so this is in line with that. The major issue I see with this essay is that you don't show much progression. Although the prompt is asking for a spark, the admissions officers want to see how that spark, has ignited into a flame since then. How have this level of inquisitiveness continued on throughout your life and how has it benefited or hindered you, but most importantly - aided your personal growth. As a former admissions officer at an Ivy League school, I know that students that answer these prompt in a multi-dimensional way are the ones rewarded with the admit. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Sep 21, 2017
Graduate / Explain your short-term (immediately post MSF) and long-term career goals. Vanderbilt Finance degree [5]

Hello,

This essay has a ton of unsubstantiated claims. You speak in such generalities that it is hard to gauge if you have actually done any real research into the degree program. Whenever a prompt asks you to discuss your short and long term goals, you need to draw parallels from your past experiences and the program itself and connect it to your future goals. You state that you will like IB and you will stay for the long term? How do you know this? IB has a notoriously high burn out rate in less than 5 years, myself included. You need to show and back up this claim. What have you done in the past that is remotely related to IB that you absolutely love that can convince the admissions committee that you will stick it out for the long haul?

Furthermore, this essay would be improved greatly if you talk more about the unique qualities of the actual program and draw parallels to your future. Talk about an options course or an arbitrage course that is available and how that will uniquely enhance your knowledge allowing you to be competitive in the IB world. The adcoms want to see specific ways that this program will help you achieve your goals. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Sep 21, 2017
Undergraduate / 'In my life, i have experienced many events that didn't': Three essays in one thread-MIT application [5]

These three easy essay prompts continue to fool applicants. They are written in such a way that most people just write the first thing that comes to mind. Applicants must remember that this is MIT, one of the most prestigious universities in the world and as such, nothing is as easy as it seems. Your response alone on question two would be the basis for rejection. The astronomy program at MIT is one of their flagship programs. Why would they admit someone who only has a desire to learn more about the program? You are competing with junior astronauts, students who are physics and mathematics geniuses and you really think a desire to learn more is sufficient? Millions, if not billions of people are intrigued by space. What really drives your passion? What have you done to demonstrate your passions? These are the types of questions that need to be answered in these short questions no matter how easy they seem. - Admissions Track
admission2012   
Sep 20, 2017
Graduate / My SOP for pursuing MSBA (Master of Business Analytics) in the U.S [3]

Hello, This is actually a good start in that you presented a logical progression as to how you ended up where you are now. Your explanation was organic and did not seemed forced. Most admissions officers will appreciate this. What's missing here is an explanation of how this particular program will help you reach your goals. Talk more about the program specifically and how the courses/professors etc....will help you not only strengthen your analytical skills but also help you cross over into a position that will fully utilize them.

-Admissions
admission2012   
Nov 15, 2016
Undergraduate / Boston University is the Perfect Utopia [6]

How do you know about the atmosphere at BU? Have you visited campus before? If so, you need to mention this. Also, you should address what you plan on studying(if you know) and how and why BU's program stands out to you more than other schools. - selective admissions
admission2012   
Nov 2, 2016
Graduate / "A man's reach should exceed his grasp" - Essay for Masters in Architectural Engineering [3]

Hello,

A statement of purpose should be designed to highlight why you need to study the program you desire and why at this specific time. To do this correctly, you need a good mixture of both past accomplishments as well as future desires as well demonstrating that this school ad this program will help you achieve those goals. In this statement of purpose all you pretty much do is brag about yourself...."You went to a top school, Devoured the program, Worked on the Tallest Building, Worked at the Best firm, worked at the biggest real estate company....and on and on," you do not display any humility at all. Remember, you need to demonstrate why you need the program and how the program can help you. It's ok to add qualifiers once in a while but not for everything. Finally, you need to talk more about Purdue, talk about specific courses and specifically how those courses will help you achieve your future goals. - selective admissions
admission2012   
Nov 2, 2016
Undergraduate / STANFORD extracurricular activities or work experiences, can I make supplement essay on photography? [4]

Hello,

You certainly do not want to keep writing about Photography in all of your essays. However, the major issue with this essay is its tone. You come off as very self-indulged and that alone will result in rejection from Stanford. For example when you wrote"This experience provides just a glimpse of the patient leader and dedicated worker that I am. This is not the only time or activity where I have had to step up and be a leader in order to help others, whether they needed help with their academics or hobbies, or even just needed someone to be there for them - I am the person anyone can come to. " you are constantly patting yourself on the back....These are things that other's should say about you. You need to take a more humble approach with these essays. When I was an admissions officer of an Ivy league school, I routinely rejected applicants who came off as though the world revolved around them....why? Because those were the same students who were cut-throat and often times caused problems with other students on campus. - selective admissions
admission2012   
Nov 2, 2016
Undergraduate / REWRITE of Short (250 word) MIT Admissions Essay on the "world I come from" [5]

Hello,

I do NOT agree with the other posters here. This essay is as trite as they come.Think about it, almost half the applicants will write this same exact answer for this prompt. This answer is very superficial and expected. You are applying to MIT, you need to digg deeper and really think about your upbringing and talk bluntly about your conditions and how they have molded you and your aspirations. Discuss clubs, activities, tv shows several other aspects in addition to your strict upbringing. Writing about strict parents is done so much that it may actually hurt your chances rather than help them. - Selective Admissions
admission2012   
Oct 24, 2016
Undergraduate / My Transition into a Stronger Reader [2]

Hello,

I think your basic thought process here is great. However, I think you should approach this topic from a point strength and not weakness. "This novel unknowingly had tested and challenged me to pay attention and read in between the lines," just bothers me and I keep thinking that by sophomore year in High School, this person should have already been a "strong reader." You do not want anyone on the adcom to even think a thought like that so maybe switch that to something like "it forced me to be a more imaginative reader by fully immersing myself into each and every character....." This probably a better approach. Hope this helps. - selectiveadmissions
admission2012   
Oct 23, 2016
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay Prompt2 --Princess Charming (Not exactly finished) [7]

Hello,

My critique will only be about the content of your essay. Usually, when students answer prompts like this one, they build up the story by showing exactly how much dedication they put into the effort. You did not do that here and just barely talked about soccer and not doing well. Because of this, the story falls flat and doesn't resonate as powerfully as you may want. Illustrate fully to the reader your dedication to the sport(Practicing at school and on your own) and then the reader will appreciate more your story of failure and learning from it. -selectiveadmissions
admission2012   
Oct 13, 2016
Scholarship / Essay: Huntsman program of the University of Pennsylvania. What are your thoughts on this essay? [2]

Hello,

What you have done here is provide a very murky high level overview of the panama papers issue and very little on how the huntsman program will help you. You need to spend just one paragraph talking about the significance of the Panama Papers issue and how it impacted international affairs for the countries involved. Then point out an issue or two, then link aspects from the huntsman program directly to those issues. -selective admissions
admission2012   
Oct 13, 2016
Undergraduate / UPenn school of nursing supplement essay - Am I answering the question? Is this on the right track? [5]

Hello,

Upenn's school of nursing is grounded in training practical and compassionate nurses. I do not get a strong sense that nursing is really for you based upon this essay. You barely skim the surface by quickly mentioning Penn's interdisciplinary nature but fail to fully show that you have done some in depth research. I would strong suggest that you take a close look at the program and link various aspects to the future nurse you want to be. -selective admissions
admission2012   
Oct 10, 2016
Undergraduate / Common App Beat Boxing Essay (Prompt Background/Identity/Interest) [2]

Hello,

Absolutely well done! 10/10. This is the very first time that someone has answered this prompt correctly. I actually believe, from reading your essay, that if I were to ask 10 of your friends to describe you, that at least 5 would say that he loves beat-boxing. You also touched on several elements of a great student such as leadership and working in groups and tough situations. If you need to save space, simply cut from your closing paragraph as it doesn't really add anymore power to your already strong essay. Again, great job. -selective admissions
admission2012   
Oct 10, 2016
Scholarship / I intend to apply for Ph.D. Program in the Department of Earth Sciences, University of Hong Kong [2]

Hello,

There are tons of great SOP examples on this forum. Generally you want to open with a background paragraph that summarizes your entire SOP. Then you want to move into your general interests, research history and then your short and long term goals. Then you want to discuss the program itself and how it will be beneficial to you and how you will contribute to it. - selective admissions.
admission2012   
Oct 8, 2016
Undergraduate / FIT admissions essay. I would really appreciate some suggestions on my essay. [3]

Hello,

As you may know, FIT is one of the most applied to schools for fashion and the marketing/advertising program there is extremely competitive. I have had helped several students successfully get into this program and the key is to really illustrate, through your essays, that you are a creative thinker. You started this by talking about putting on your mother's lipstick, but it needs to be followed through and strengthened. You need to show that you have a continued and sustained track record of creativity and how the resources at FIT will help you if you are to have a strong chance of admissions. -selective admissions
admission2012   
Oct 5, 2016
Undergraduate / College Admission Essay for Claremont McKenna College [3]

Hello,

Your essay so far is ok. Aside from a few grammatical issues, this essay will neither help or hurt your chances of admissions. If you really want this short essay to be impactful in a positive way, you need to provide solid examples. Simply stating that CMC helps curious trailblazers is not demonstrating to the admissions committee that you have done your homework and research about the school. - selective admissions
admission2012   
Oct 5, 2016
Undergraduate / As a middle school lacrosse player I loved Syracuse. [2]

Hello,

In order to have an effective essay, you need to provide proof. You must back up each statement with actual facts that show you have done your research. Saying that Syracuse has an amazing computer science program doesn't show the admissions committee that you really know about the program. Provide facts about every assertion in your essay and then it will be more believable. - selective admissions
admission2012   
Sep 29, 2016
Graduate / Can someone help me with my SOP? My study and research on Portuguese literature [2]

Hello,

Whenever you write a SOP the main questions that should be answered in your SOP are 1 Why this program and 2 Why this program now? You should, if possibly, explicitly answer these questions. After reading your sop, I still do not know why you desire to take this program and why now. All you state is that you desire to go on to complete the doctorate program but again the question is why now and why this school. - Selective Admissions
admission2012   
Sep 29, 2016
Undergraduate / Transfer common app essay. I'm a freshman in community college and looking for transfer to UMass [7]

Hello,

Whenever you are completing a transfer application, you need to compare and contrast. You started to do this by talking about the low-level math needed at your current school, but now you need to dig deeper to show that you have really explored your options. Furthermore, you should highlight specifics of the UMASS program that appeal to you. This will show the adcom that you have done your research completely this time...-Selective Admissions.
admission2012   
Sep 29, 2016
Undergraduate / I dreamed of going to FIT and becoming a fashion designer, since I was ten. [3]

Hello,

You provide a great deal of information about your background and why you will be a non-traditional learner and this is great, but so much focus is not needed. What you should speak more about here is the program you are applying to and how you plan to leverage the resources of the program to further/launch your career in fashion merchandising. The more specific you can be the better. - Selective Admissions
admission2012   
Sep 29, 2016
Undergraduate / Kelley School of Business - My life experiences, past and current school work, and strong commitment [3]

Hello,

There are two main problems with your essay. The first is that you simply glaze over your experiences without ever really telling the reader a bit more about the experience and why it was so impactful for you. The second is that you never really tell the adcom at Kelley just how you will utilize the resources of that program to help you achieve your goals. To make this essay more robust, you should take one experience, explore fully by talking about what you learned and areas of improvement and then directly correlate any deficiencies to aspects of the Kelley program that will help you address those. - Selective Admissions
admission2012   
Nov 2, 2015
Undergraduate / Keep Moving Forward - my coach words encouraged me. Common Application Essay Prompt 2 [2]

Hello,

As a former admissions officer at a top school, I can tell you that this response is wayyyyyy too common. I would dare estimate that about 95% of students will respond to this prompt with a very similar story. Not that you did not answer the prompt well, just that this type of response is expected, safe and will not do you any favors. Try to dig deeper. Engaging in sports is not the only time that we experience failure as humans. Talk about another experience, something unique. Something that really forced you to leave your comfort zone and something that will grab the attention of the admissions officer who is half way through his/her day of reading over 1,000 essays. - Admissions Advice Online (.com)
admission2012   
Nov 2, 2015
Graduate / Essay for Master of Mathematical Finance---Why this program/ what steps have you taken to decide [3]

Hello,

These 3 short questions will be read together and after reading your responses, I already see glaring alarms here. The first thing is that you state your long term goals are to eventually help the Chinese financial system, however, you are choosing Boston primarily for the internships and work opportunities. Let me say, 99% of international students applying to these programs say this. The adcoms know that this is highly unlikely as the vast majority of students end up staying in the country. With that being said, it's best to just stick to one pathway and make that the theme for all three responses here. That is to say that you should either focus on working within the American financial system specializing in Chinese markets or just obtaining a more global education to bring back to China.

Lastly, your response to Part A is good, however, I think you should focus more on your mathematical strengths and your lack of understanding of higher level finance as your reason to go for this degree over a general finance degree. This is the answer they are looking for. - Admissions Advice Online (.com)
admission2012   
Oct 26, 2015
Undergraduate / A passion for volleybal - Columbia Supplemental essay [7]

You never answered the prompt. The prompt was why are you most proud of this activity? You need to fully flush out what about playing volleyball makes you so proud to play the sport. - Admissions Advice Online
admission2012   
Oct 26, 2015
Undergraduate / "I really hate my hair" - Common App Essay [7]

Hello,

Very well done! This is one of the few times that I have seen someone actually answer this prompt correctly. Your descriptive language worked really well here and I had a vivid image of you at every step of this essay. You correctly indicated in the opening paragraph that this essay would be about your hair and then went into detail as to why your red hair was such a significant part of who you are in a believable way. - Admissions Advice Online
admission2012   
Oct 26, 2015
Undergraduate / My Response for Gtown Essay on activities [4]

Hello,

There is just too much going on in this essay. It needs to be simple and streamlined. The best way to do this is just to draw parallels between your life and sports in Kenya, and just associate that with your life in America and how playing sports was the one commonality - although slightly different and more organized. Everything else that you have here only muddles your message and is not necessary. - Admissions Advice Online