I really like this essay. This is a great example of showing your uniqueness. As I have a sister that is 6'3", I really connected with this essay. It was almost as if I were a fly on the wall watching your time at Church. Really well done job here! - Admissions Advice Online
Nowhere and I mean nowhere do you mention anything of real substance about FIT. Why should they let you in? You do not demonstrate at all that you will utilize the resources offered at the school. Talk about courses you would love to take, groups you would like to join, internships you would take advantage of. Why FIT and not Denise and Dan's school of cosmetology located on seventh ave? Once you add these elements, your chances for admissions will dramatically increase. - Admissions Advice Online
Not sure if this fits the prompt as you do not demonstrate an "idea" that you challenged but rather a perception that you had. You stated in your essay that you were lagging behind the other players. Most readers reading this will assume that this is the reason for the "separation" and not so much because your coach was not friendly towards women. To make this essay stronger, you need to clearly show that your coach had a deep seated belief that women players are inherently inferior. - Admissions Advice Online
You should take a look at posts from last year where we literally beat this dead horse back to life again and again. This is just not what this prompt is about. First and foremost these prompts are designed to illicit a response that is unique, original, to show who you really are. It is a given that your parents, mom, dad, or any combination thereof will be influential in shaping the person you are today. This is even moreso the case in single parent households. However, this is NOT what this prompt wants you to talk about. It is asking for something that they would not know from reading other parts of your application. Something so central to who you are that if we were to ask 5 of your friends to describe you, at least 3 of them would mention this while trying to describe you. For example, a student who lost his right leg during a horse-riding session when he was 5 years old. That person now has a life-long condition that will force them to adapt. Their life would be forever changed because of this event. We all want to pay homage to our parents, in fact many many many applicants do. However, if you are applying to a competitive school, essays like these will not highlight your application and may in fact cause you to be rejected. - Admissions Advice Online
What on earth? I get trying to be unique, but this essay literally jumps off the cliff to its death. This entire story is told in a fictional tone. You were suppose to use a metaphor and apply it your real life. I do not see where you are actually applying this story to how you go about your life. Furthermore, the thesis here ...that ingrown toenails are caused by not taking care of yourself is flawed seeing that the majority of ingrown nails are caused by the grooming process i.e cutting the nail incorrectly. In any event this essay needs major rework if it is to be taken seriously. - Admissions Advice Online
This is not central to your identity. Central to your identity is something that you have done for some time now. Something that defines who you are or that others will say is a defining characteristic you have. Promising to heal the world is something that everyone says and few people actually deliver on. In any event you missed the prompt by a mile with this essay. For further information on how to select a topic, please read my many posts from last year on this very same essay prompt. - Admissions Advice Online
I can assure you that if you submit anything like this to MIT, you will be rejected. As you are well aware, MIT is a top university. At this level, there simply is no room for excuses and stereotypes. Indonesia has sent quite a few students to MIT in recent year as you can see here: web.mit.edu/ais-mit/www/members.html, and these are just the students that join this group, many others don't. What you should spend time talking about are what have you done to prepare for the rigorous MIT program? What steps have you taken to explore science? MIT, like most top schools, will compare you regionally, meaning that you will be compared against your countrymen first. This means that if your scores are the highest, they will see that. No need to point that out to them. Furthermore, your SAT scores will also serve as a great equalizer. In closing, spend more time discussing what qualifications you have that make you a great candidate for the degree rather than begging for the adcoms to look past your grades. - Admissions Advice Online
What major do you want to study? Linguistics or an actual language? After you answer this I will be able to help you better. - Admissions Advice Online
People often ask me, "How can schools pick which students to reject and which to accept because so many have the same credentials?" I often reply that although most students have great grades, sat scores etc, most fail to answer the essay prompts correctly. Failing to answer the essay prompt is the #1 and I mean #1 reason why otherwise qualified students get rejected. This essay is simply NOT what this prompt is about. It is asking you about a time that you challenged an idea or belief, not about you not following the crowd. Present an actual belief or idea and talk about how/why you felt you had to challenge it. More than any other common app topic, this one provides applicants with the license to really show gumption. To show that they are a leader, a critical thinker, an altruistic individual and yet, we constantly get submissions like this one, safe, very safe and most annoyingly - not on topic. - Admissions Advice Online
This is almost perfect. You have done a really good job here. My only suggestion is to discuss more about the classes, professors, clubs , teams etc...at UB that you are interesting in taking/getting involved with. - Admissions Advice Online
I am not sure I learned anything about you from reading this essay, so the question remains....What is so central to your identity here that your application would be INCOMPLETE without sharing this information? I think that you are trying to say that the fact that you were overweight made you make choices based upon body image and not exactly what you would have wanted to do, but you have now changed. While this is great, it is more about growing pains and becoming comfortable in your own skin rather than something so central to your identity as central to your identity implies something current. - Admissions Advice Online
Take a look at the video that Williams has up about this prompt. Then think about the type of school WIlliams is. Williams is a liberal arts college with a strong emphasis on the humanities. They value more liberal arts (Humanities) type statements. With that being said, any type of response needs to play to that angle. - Admissions Advice Online
Every essay is important, especially for a school like MIT. With that being said, this essay should be used to give the adcom some insight about you that is not shared elsewhere in the application. So if you mentioned that you love to travel in one of your other essays or in the activities section, writing about it here will be redundant. Talk about something that genuinely interests you. Something that you would happily do if you had all the free time in the world. - Admissions Advice Online
After reading this short essay, I did not learn much about you. Remember, the most important part of this prompt is "that best illustrates who you are, and why it is important to you." The adcom really wants to learn more about you and why did you decide to take on this project and what did you really take away from the experience. These are the elements of this essay question that need to be really flushed out. As it is now, you pretty much glazed over the most important aspects of this essay. - Admissions Advice Online
This is a really great story. However, you are applying to Yale and because of this, your writing style needs to be a bit more fluid. Furthermore, you need to add specifics here. Instead of saying "Pending Law" tell us the name of the law. Give us specifics about your involvement so that they can be verified or at least found on the internet. Many adcoms WILL attempt to verify this story after reading it. The more specifics you provide will help them out. Once verified, this story will give you a huge advantage in the admissions process. - Admissions Advice Online
You should just talk about the various aspects of your life that you consider successful and how your TU education was useful in getting you to that point. For example, if you were promoted to Vice President of a company, talk about how a management course provided you with the training to be an effective manager. -Admissions Advice Online
When a reader from the ADCOM reads an essay response like this one, they are looking for certain "key" statements. Mainly they want to see that you have a good understanding about the resources at NYU and how you can best utilize them. General blanket statements like "NYU is an amazing school," do not help the adcom members see that you really have done your homework. This essay is way too vague and needs to be more specific if it is to be effective. All of my NYU early decision clients this year were admitted proving that this strategy does work. -Admissions Advice Online
I have read essays using this prompt literally hundreds of times over the past few years, and this essay is easily in my top 10. Really well done job here. Your descriptive imagery really allows the reader to visualize the scenery. Furthermore I liked the fact that your ending was unexpected....contentment in the unknown. Amazing job. This is a prime example of how content really matters. Instead of trying to use "big" words and verbose discourse, writing in a straight-forward and succinct manner will always get your point across to the reader. Again, job well done. - Admissions Advice Online
Ask yourself this question..."What will MIT learn about me from this essay that they would not know by reading other parts of my application?" Yes, they already know that you are focused and determined. They know that you accept challenges and try to see things through. MIT does not have a reputation of accepting slackers and people who run away as soon as problems arise. Writing about this in this essay is basically a waste of an amazing opportunity for them to learn much more about you. On a scale of 1-10, this essay is a 1, not only because it provides very little new information, but mainly because it is a easy, unoriginal, go-to topic that a full 1/3 of the applicants to MIT or any other top school will also write about. - Admissions Advice Online
This essay is just not a good fit for the Main Common App essay. Since this essay will be sent to all the schools you apply to, it needs to be more substantial. As you have it here, this was just another day playing around for you. We need to get a sense of true dedication, something that you worked on across a decent span of time. Something that you really had a vested interest in and it did not turn out well. Tell us what did you learn from the initial experience, what did you learn from the failure and what did you learn about yourself? - Admissions Advice Online
This is a good start explaining what Brown U can offer you. To make it fully effective, you need to show why you need to transfer. This is done by illustrating the shortfalls of your current program or if you are graduating, why Brown and not a local 4 year university. Furthermore, your understanding of the Africana Studies Facility might be a bit too pointed. On their website they state; "The Brown University department of Africana Studies is dedicated to the critical examination of the theoretical, historical, literary, and artistic developments of the various cultures of Africa and the African Diaspora." Your statement here should match this as closely as possible. - Admissions Advice Online
This is not a good essay for several reasons. NYU wants outgoing diverse people. You state in your essay that you live in NYC, yet you are still very timid and shy. Why should NYU trust that you won't do the same there? You do live in NYC and despite your immediate surroundings, it is fairly easy for you to escape to areas where you can mix and mingle with all that the city has to offer. Essentially, this argument will hurt you because they will believe that you will more than likely continue your way of being. Focus on the academic benefits of NYU and use examples of how you have taken advantage of opportunities in the past and how NYU will allow you to continue and advance this. - Admissions Advice Online
You quickly mentioned a failed class presentation. However, outside of this, I do not see what your failure actually was. I am not sure how the more competitive schools will take an essay like this as they generally like students who are outgoing and motivated. Students who seek out and conquer challenges. Not to say that you are not motivated, but wanting to stay in the shadows is not something that let's say a school like Harvard would look for in an applicant. - Admissions Advice Online
Whenever you are asked to discuss your time at a particular program and beyond, you should always try to include a unique aspect of that program that will serve you well beyond your time there. For example, you stated that you want to study law. Talk about a specific resource at Queens that you would be able to utilize dealing with Law that you will be able to utilize throughout your legal career. - Admissions Advice Online
The first time I notice when I walked in the campus of Virginia Tech was the diversity of the student body.
This should be: The first think I noticed when I toured the campus....
This is an ok essay. To make it stronger, you should fully discuss what the hands on experience that freshmen at this school have. Also, since you are very concerned with diversity, you might want to add a quick blurb about any clubs/organizations that help make the transition to American college life easier for international students. - Admissions Advice Online
So, basically what you are saying here is that everyone else is un-pure and dirty. You are the only righteous person on earth and in order to stay pure, you need to separate yourself from everyone else. This is the most contrived essay I have read this cycle. Just trying way too hard. College is about exploring and growth. What you talk about here is everything but. You can maintain your morals without putting yourself in a corner. - Admissions Advice Online
This is a good essay, the only thing I would advise you to add here is to discuss one or two ways that you feel you will utilize the skills learned from Comp Sci to help others. - Admissions Advice Online
A 3 day meal? What is that? Once again, this is a very trite essay. Since you want to help 500 million people, you might as well share with the reader what you plan on doing to achieve this. Admissions Officers are tired of reading these same types of essays where people say they want to save the world and then offer no solutions and even worse, do not show that they have even begun to try. Think on a smaller scale. Then your story would be more reasonable. Talk about how you will utilize computer science to help you improve the lives of people in a small town, tribe etc...-Admissions Advice Online
I think what you have done here is focus way too much on your negative past, without really painting a full picture of where you want to go in the future. I would dedicate a full 75% of this essay to your future and how this University and its resources will help you achieve them. While including a back story is ok, this school really wants to see how they will help you contribute positively to society. - Admissions Advice Online
It appears that you are not fully answering the prompt here. What you are doing here is describing how an event (Divorce) had an impact on you rather than how your life changed after the divorce and how your environment influenced you. - Admissions Advice Online
Is there a specific reason why most of the players were at least two years older than you when you became team captain in your junior year??? - Admissions Advice Online
This is not what the prompt is looking for. In fact, if you were to submit this essay, you would be surely rejected. What the adcom wants to see here is a time when you worked really hard at obtaining something - anything, but failed. This could be a sport, music, anything that you are genuinely passionate about. Then talk about the lessons learned from the experience. - Admissions Advice Online
When I read your essay, what I wanted to see was an outpouring of passion that quite frankly does not exist here. What you are trying to do here is show that you are a fighter for the underclass but your support evidence is rather weak. You need to talk more in depth about your previous work in the social sector and then connect that to the program so that there is a clear natural continuation. Saying that you need stronger analytical skills is ok, but really show the reader that that is indeed the case. Furthermore, you will need to talk more about the specific program and what other elements appeal to you at that specific school and how that specific school will directly contribute to you successfully obtaining your career objectives. - We can help - Admissions Advice Online
Unlike college admissions essays, scholarship essays are much more pragmatic. They want to see how the funds will actually benefit you. Apr. 2025 is less than 10 years away and it is highly unlikely that what you are describing here will be feasible in such a short time without you specifically addressing new processes that will allow the reader to believe otherwise. My advice is to really think about where you will be in 10 years taking into consideration any college and any post college plans that you have and then tackle this question in a more realistic way. - Admissions Advice Online
I think you have the beginnings of a powerful easy here, but I feel that this essay would be a better fit for prompt #5(Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family). Nothing that you say in this essay(aside from the death of your mother), rises to the level of "so meaningful." In order to answer this question, I always advise my clients to think about it this way....If I were to ask five of your closest friends to describe you, what would be the most common thing they would mention about you...This would be something that is really meaningful to who you are...- Admissions Advice Online
I think your essay is really strong with the exception of your opening paragraph. You should discuss more of your early background here, especially your personal experiences with SLA. This will really allow the reader to know more about you and why SLA is of such important interest to you. - Admissions Advice Online
So let's get this straight. In only two short paragraphs, you have avowed your desires and love for being/becoming an environmentalist, writer, and scientist. I am not saying that these three cannot co-exist. However, what I am saying is that this essay needs to be focused more. At the end of your second paragraph, I still have no clue as to what thoughts/ideas you are trying to convey. This is a big no-no as most readers will normally stop after the first paragraph. Because of this, you need to grab the reader's attention right away. - Admissions Advice Online
There is just too much going on in this essay. It needs to be simple and streamlined. The best way to do this is just to draw parallels between your life and sports in Kenya, and just associate that with your life in America and how playing sports was the one commonality - although slightly different and more organized. Everything else that you have here only muddles your message and is not necessary. - Admissions Advice Online
Very well done! This is one of the few times that I have seen someone actually answer this prompt correctly. Your descriptive language worked really well here and I had a vivid image of you at every step of this essay. You correctly indicated in the opening paragraph that this essay would be about your hair and then went into detail as to why your red hair was such a significant part of who you are in a believable way. - Admissions Advice Online
You should remove the last paragraph and if possible, try to discuss more about the focus program and how you plan on actually taking advantage of the resources of the program and the Duke experience in general. -Admissions Advice Online
Do You Need Writing or Editing Help?
✖
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:
