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Posts by deepakbaniya
Joined: Nov 24, 2011
Last Post: Dec 6, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 92  
Likes: 2
From: United States of America

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deepakbaniya   
Jan 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'learn to develop good characteristics in ourselves' - TOEFL [9]

Parvina,
the content looks good to me.But the language structure , grammer ,
and vocabulary needs to be reviewed.The opening paragraph looks little bit away from the topic. Still it could be started like this (in my opinion);

After hard study and devotion in school and college, we land in our dream job to work with diverse people with their own Individual character and habits. Good characteristics of coworker triggers postive work environment helping to achieve company's goal. While negative hurts the morale among the staffs and create hostility. But , What are the "good" or important characteristics of the coworkers that help to abreast the company and create good working environment? In my opinion, honesty, helpfulness and knowledge are three important constituents for good coworkers.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS - 'Parents should shoulder responsibility of teaching their own children' [3]

Nowadays, there is no unanimous consensus yet on where children learn good manners; at home or school.what constitutes a sound children's teaching methodology .

Dear wang,
I was considering to edit the essay but I stumbled in the first introduction paragraph.In such essay, Providing your stand in the first paragraph would help on further elaborating the poins in following paragraphs. Then it flows nicely in other paragraphs elaborating each of your point of view.For example after your first one or two sentences in introduction paragraph, you should have stated your position. ( Home is better or school or both concluding the poins in commas or short sentences.) before starting any other paragraphs.

This gives the genral idea to reader what to expect in coming paragraphs.

With Best,
Deepak
deepakbaniya   
Jun 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'linking rising accidents to fatigued workers' - GRE Argument [5]

Please help on editing this essay.

The following appeared in a memo from the Board of Directors of Butler Manufacturing.
"During the past year, workers at Butler Manufacturing reported 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. A recent government study reports that fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers are significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents. Therefore, we recommend that Butler Manufacturing shorten each of its work shifts by one hour. Shorter shifts will allow Butler to improve its safety record by ensuring that its employees are adequately rested."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.


The conclusion of the given argument, "reducing each of Butler Manufacturing's work shifts by one hour to improve safety record," rests weakly on three primary assumptions. First, It assumes that Butler Manufacturing and Panoply industries both have similar characteristics of production and environment. Second, it is based on reported injuries only and does not provide any further advantages of being reported as injured. Third, It presumes that employee will use the shortened hour to rest.

First, the author compares the percentage of accidents Butler Manufacturing and Panoply Industries, without providing any further details about the nature of production, work force, and the amount of automation used in these two companies. Do both companies produce similar products using the same technology and posses identical work force and work environment? Is the data comparison still relevant, if Panoply has more automation, while Butler concentrates on manual operations? In this case, it would follow logically that Butler has more accidents as more human dexterity is involved. Thus, providing a study on similarities between the two companies would support the recommendation.

Second, the author further states thst thirty percent more accidents are reported at Butler, How about the unreported or minor injuries? Is this also more at Butler? Therefore, minor or unreported injuries. Moreover, is there any extra benefit at Panoply if somebody is injured such as getting paid leave or early retirement contrary to no such benefits at Butler? Are the accident reports helpful in seeking financial advantage or disadvantage which could trigger more reported injuries. If the author could show the similarities in these issue as well, the case would possess strong veracity.

Furthermore, as stated on the survey provided by the author, it is acceptable that sleep deprived and tired workers are more susceptible to work area accidents, but it is not clear in the passage that workers use the proposed reduced hours to rest or sleep. The result attribute to more adverse effects if workers look for other part time jobs in order to compensate for reduce pay because of reduced hours. Having assumed this, if the passage could answer whether the pay would be same or reduced proportionately, it would help to support the recommendation. To strengthen the logic, a survey among the workers of Butler about how they would use one extra hour, would help a lot. If a large portion of the worker said yes, "they would rest indifferent to the amount of pay," the author's recommendation would be more logical.

To conclude, this argument relies predominantly on its assumptions -denying any one of these assumptions results in a weak or, in some cases, invalid conclusion. Nevertheless, the belief that reduced hours lessen worksite injuries may in fact be true, despite its not being proven with the premises given and assumptions made by the author. To strengthen the argument, the author would need to not only address these three assumptions but also to more firmly establish similarities between the two mentioned companies. This explication answers the possible questions of the argument and hence makes the argument less flawed. In the words of Leonardo da Vinci, "Oh Lord, you gave us everything at the price of fatigue!" An argument conclusively linking rising accidents to fatigued workers would be a strong argument indeed.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / New Perspective On Environmental Solution. [2]

Scientists have been proposing numerous possible solutions in arresting growing environmental problems ,such as global warming, air pollution, water contamination, soil errosion, and glacier melting etc. Developed countries are cutting down carbon emmission Through environmental regulations on factories and developing environmental friendly products and living patterns.However, despite their interest in environmental sustainability, financial constraints limit developing countries in working towards achieving this goal.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"Teachers should take courses or training to upgrade" [4]

In today's fast paced ( ever changing) world, everyone needs to /get /themselves / upgrade ( themselves)in /all/ (their )areas(, and)
teachers are (no exception as they are) the most important /person /(educators ) in our life after parents. When /kids / (children) first time enter /in/ a school(,) teachers are /is / the (one) /first pe / with whom he or she /spent / (spend) time without parents. So, teacher's role is very important /after/ (besides) parent to make the /kids / (children) /career/ (wise and learned.)We all can see the difference between each (new) generation. Every /next / (coming) generation is ( more) advanced than the previous one. /So, taking course or training is the need of an hour and / therefore teachers should take /that / (the training ) to upgrade their knowledge.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / the age of the competition - IELTS - technologies and the demand for services change [6]

It has become a new /trend/ (requirement ) to learn more than one skill for (successful) career. In this essay, it is often/ claimed / (argued) that who is responsible for those workers in need of assistance. I am convinced that the responsibility for those people to adjust for such changes should belong to not only individual worker (themselves) but also government or business (es).

Although employees should entirely /have / (be responsible ) for their own occupation and/ ( in possessing ) / finding/ new skill(s) , it seems /to me / that ...
deepakbaniya   
Jun 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / Go out to work (both parents have to work nowadays) [17]

If we look at past, ... father went out to work and mother stayed at home looking after the children. However, it is much more different today many families consider it is more fruitful ...

Supporters of this idea believe that ...
deepakbaniya   
Jun 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / Topic: whether convenience food will replace traditional food [4]

It is believed that convenience food will become more popular and eventually replace the traditional food and the conventional method of preparationway to prepare it . From my point of view, convenience food might just be a temporary solution , and people would revert to usetraditional food wa[that s cooked in conventional way.

Nowadays, people are always occupied with making both ends meet; we have less and lesslimited or no time to cook. This is why some of us have turned torely on convenience food as an answer an instant solution.Everything seems easier with the appearance of "ready to eat foods". However,
deepakbaniya   
Jun 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / My life changed the morning I witnessed my friend have a diabetic seizure. [5]

Neli, if you could desribe the atmosphere while seizure happened , I mean describing whole "picture in the word"... his posture, color of the rooms, helf eaten food, eyes from family potrait lying on table constantly watching him... You picture the whole scene ...

open up the essay with such paragraph, it would be the best attention grabber! my 2 cents!
deepakbaniya   
Jun 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS- children development and modern games [2]

It is undeniablewidely accepted that nowadaysmodern children's- games are totally different withthan the traditional games that kids entertained with. Modern games such as computer games, wii,nintendo and so-on have attracted children as well as families despite, causing a great number oftheir negative effects still they have a massive market in toys industryOne of these negative effects aims children such as social and physical skills development of children. .

(In this Introduction paragraph write your position clearly, whether you support it or deny it) [i]for example,
Some people argue modern games are good because of ...facts . Opponents of this ideas say this is not good for children because of ...reason. In my opinion,.... [/i]

But your opening sentence is really good!
deepakbaniya   
Jun 28, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: People gaining more weight_problem and solutions [2]

Nowadays it is undeniable that the average weight of people is increasing, leading to the decrease in their health and fitness. To my way of thinking, there are two main causes of the problem, write in short what are those. This gives general direction to the reader what to expect in coming paragraphs according to which I will put forward some solutions.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / THE CHILD IS FATHER OF MAN [4]

It states that a child makes himself known by his actions whether his deeds are pure or impure further it reveals that a person carries all those traits, mentality and attributes whether positive or negative which he was used to express in his childhood.

Isn't this sentence too long. How about putting full stop in between further and impure to divide into two sentences.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 29, 2012
Dissertations / need a guide on writing theses proposal on informal sector [4]

Can you elaborate little bit about the subject.
And what do you want to accomplish?

What is your subject area? I am guessing -"economics."
Or it is architecture...?

If you provide little bit detail, it will be easy for Forum user to get into discussion.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 30, 2012
Essays / How to start to write an essay? (help and advice needed) [7]

I agree with Dumi.
Nice concise post on how to write essay.

# it's always better to "outline" ideas on bullet points before writing.
Then elaborating them into sentences to paragraph ..,
deepakbaniya   
Jul 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Stressful jobs and long working day_problem and solutions [7]

Aprilapril,
I suppose your points for possible solution is not strong enough.
Think about some more solutions for stress at work besides the point you already stated.
I would like to suggest some ways to reduce stress at jobs;

# Providing fitness room / recreation room ( video games , yoga etc.) at break time. Or even working out
Whole department together once a week which not only brings interaction among coworkers but also keeps healthy and
relaxed

# providing individual cubicles for every employee which gives a sense of
Own place to the employees.

# providing longer contract 5 or 10 year etc.

And my suggestion for transition sentence;
# Companies should focus on overcoming such or any other kind of stresses in order
to achieve efficient and steady work performance. Increasing salary, reducing working shift
hours, providing recreation facilities or redesigning work space are some examples which contributes
to reduce stresses. ( now you can elaborate each points further...)

Or
# As stressed workers impede company's performance, it is essential to work towards abating it. Increase in salary,..., ... , are helpful in providing some sort of job satisfaction and assurance among workers.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing-international organisations should provide poor countries [6]

I agree with Mr. Zafari. It requires to either agree or disagree with the statement. Being indecisive or taking both side is not a good option.

But, sometimes it is not easy to support one side completely and unable to gather enough points for opposite side for an essay. In such dilemma, you can elaborate advantage and disadvantage of each situation in two or three different paragraphs ( after Introduction paragraph) and conclude with your preference ( agree or disagree) weighing disadvantage and advantages . it is good to include a suitable discription or comparision sentence with agreement or disagreement.

Still, taking one side is the best option.

please check my essay briefly if possible and please tell that how much band can i get in ielts if i wrote like that.

madan,
Start your one thread for the review. There is "New Thread" button on top left side of the EF homepage. Click on it, provide suitable subject line, post your essay.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'the depth and the width of the Brim river' - GRE Argumentative [2]

some more flaws;
# the quantity of basket found in the village across the river. Is it only a couple of baskets in particular area or large amount in various areas. If author could establish it was found in different part of the village, his argument would be more authentic.

# writer said "no Palean boats are found," how about other boats. He should have stated no boats remain were found, instead of ascertaining "Palean boats.""


just an idea!

You have good command in reasoning and writing. You will score good!
Keep up the good works!
deepakbaniya   
Jul 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'to improve language little by little' - Children Learn Foreign Language Early [2]

Nowadays, The 21st century ( either Nowadays or 21st century - use only one) made a huge steps in developing technologies and reached many goals that made our life better. Language is the most important tomedium of communicateion.

The first and second sentences are disconnected to each other. What technological developments have to do with language learning , ------ if possible,[establish that link to make both sentences interconnected.

It is not enough to be able to speak One languageis not enough to get through connected with the outside world. I am strongly put upagree with the idea that children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. In the following paragraph I will make a list ofelaborate or state or describe some reasons to show my point of view. .

First of all, If one wants to see outcome soon, one must start soonerat early age . Children like "a new paper" ( you tried to use analogy here. This is very GOOD. ..but it is not clear enough). and it is easy to learn a new language. We should teach them when they were a little child. ( my suggestion is; Children are like "clay to potters," Teaching at early age can mould them into multilingual communicator.
In the modern life, we haveThis skill helps to deal with customers, cultural exchange culture with an other countries, read academic documentation s or even make friends all around the world. all of them is the reasonThat is why wechildren should beto become at least a bilingualism . So, the early children learn a new language is better than the one learns later.
( this sentence is repeated .. delete it or say it differently)

[i]Klien,
You should include some more reasons. You pointed out children's learning capacity is better in first reason. and your second reason also carry almost the same meaning as the first. Think about more "Reasons"... why on early age or why not inj school etc..


Some suggestions;
# children at school learn with specialised materials using structured method . This helps to grasp new language easily without much effort.
# speaking new words is fun among peers. Sharing secrets among close friends in unknown language. Helping learn faster with fun.
# high school or college level students have to concentrate in other more important areas of study. So they do not get enough time to concentrate in learning new language.

....
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

The well-being of a society is enhanced when many of its people question authority. Write a response, in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your positions.

"Question Authority," the ubiquitous bumper sticker in late seventies suggested to question every existing authority which could be parents, employers or as big as the government. This aberration is still relevant and practicable today, despite the wide agreement that authority; refers to the government institutions in this essay; have an obvious intent of fostering society's well-being, residents' continued watchdog mentality contributes to enhance conditions of their social surroundings. In other words, peoples supporting good ideas of authorities and rejecting or helping to amend unfruitful agendas are conducive to ideal society.

First, government authorities are bigger in scale and often complex in composition compared to individual or community. Besides their own intricacy, they have to focus for larger areas. This might prohibit the institutions from focusing on small problems of any particular area, which could be "huge" for the residents but nominal for authority compared to big problems in other areas. They might divert the resources into considerably higher important area. Such indifference on small problems might transform it into chronic and incurable.

As it is known, "Prevention is better than cure," people should question authorities before a small ameliorable problem turn into unceasing or needs more money to contain. For example, Japanese government said that, Fukushima nuclear disaster caused by the devastating tsunami was because of Japanese peoples' reluctance in questioning authority.

Second, while authorities are often elected through the majority of votes, the susceptibility of favoring their supporters' neighborhoods or their voting blocks and paying little or no attention to the rival or opponents areas cannot be negated. Such partialities attribute to unequal dissemination of services, physical infrastructure, or natural resources. Local residents' delegation or media coverage helps to avoid such circumstances. We learn some issues only after questioning authority.Informations sometime designated as "classified" by authorities come out after harrying government . This helps to keep government honest and stop unethical practice, if not at least lessens.

Opponents of this idea argue that questioning the authority might jeopardize sensitive issues like religious harmony, foster rebellion and create chaos and unrest. Such sentiments are undeniable but great social changes have always come only after questioning the authority. Whether it is Dr Martin Luther King; Mahatma Gandhi; or Libyan people, their collective questioning conduced to the great social change.

Thus, to conclude, "it is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority," as suggested by Benjamin Franklin but keeping it peaceful, modest and inoffensive because "too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought," as stated by John F Kennedy, must be our utmost attention.

Thanks for reading and appricaite any suggestion !
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Research Papers / Looking for research titles in line with the field of teaching [6]

Hi deepakbaniya! If you wouldn't mind, can you give me idea regarding this matter?

I suppose you should concentrate in your topic instead of trying to find new one. This is a strong topic. Can you post what you submitted to your professor then we can share some ideas based on that.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

Doesn't the first paragraph say I am Agreeing? what do you think?

(This aberration is still relevant and practicable today, ... In other words, peoples supporting good ideas of authorities and rejecting or helping to amend unfruitful agendas are conducive to ideal society.

I do not think I have to write the word "I agree..." to agree with the statement.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

1. This aberration is still relevant and practicable today.
2. In my opinion ( I agree), This aberration is still relevant and practicable today.
You mean second sentence is right here.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experience in health care prior to a PA' - motivation towards becoming a PA [11]

Imagine being given this wonderful news that you could be delivering this beautiful baby girl in the next 32 -42 weeks and in just 26 weeks you end up delivering a premature baby girl and told that she would not be able to breath properly or eat by herself without a tube inserted into her mouth or nose. This beautiful baby girl happens to be me , born may 17 1991 at St. Thomas hospital weighing one pound two ounces. I have a lot of appreciation for all healthcare providers including the once that took care of me when I was born. Without them, I would not be alive today. I've always had a motivation of being some type of healthcare provider that would be able to provide for children in particular.

Is there another way I could say what I'm trying to say?

Here is an idea of saying your stroy;

Weighing one pound two ounces born at twenty-six week gestation in May 17 of 1991, instantly tangled in medical tubes and wires under ultraviolet light inside the incubator, I was perilously premature. I would not be alive in order to thrive for my brightest future today, if doctors and healthcare providers' hard work had not had turn into miracle. Since I realized this, I have determined that I would find a career in healthcare field particularly related to infants and children.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experience in health care prior to a PA' - motivation towards becoming a PA [11]

Did you take a look at the rest of my essay is it okay?

Rudy,
Apparantly,Your content is good. My suggestion is "Spice it up."
Usually its boring and dull to read others story, unless you make it interesting, flowing and capable of binding readers till the end.

Your story is wonderful and miracle. You can make it better. Think how to make it interesting, Read...edit, reread ... edit and reread.. edit ... read as a storyteller and

reader . Then edit it , you can make it even better.
.


I read your whole essay. If possible edit one more time and I will review if it is needed.

With best,
deepakbaniya   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / today most of the young children use mobile phone ,what is your opinion? [4]

On the other hand ,some expert believe that pupilchildren ( essay is asking about children not students - make it relevant ) need more concentration and focus on their school and lesson ,and think that when student are in school not necessary to have mobile phone ,because same new technology device such as mobile do distract pupil to read your assessment. they like to send new SMS and soJme new Lmusic and photo to each other and this type of activity take a lot of time.

rather than getting distracted by phone. Children might get engaged in texting each other or playing games in the phone.

You must be good essay writer in your native language. You wrote in perfect format-,
Introduction, supporting paragraphs and conclusion. But, you need to improve your sentences and vocabulary.

How?
- read as many written essay as you can.
- write yourself too and post it on EF.


I have not reviewed your conclusion paragraph. If possible write whole essay again and post here.
Good Luck!
deepakbaniya   
Jul 12, 2012
Book Reports / My topic for a persuasive essay on the novel 1984 (help with topic and thesis) [2]

Erin, your subject seems interesting and challanging despite it is vague.
What does the "Big Brother" refer to? Is it the government of a country.
If it is, some country might change facts, harvest propaganda but we can not
generalize all the country in the world. If you are able to support with facts and
figures, then it is different story.

Citizens of most of the country have the constituational right to question their authority. If you link the
government propoganada , media censoring,and the peoples' valid question to the authority and their
results or finding related subject would be a good research, in my view.

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