Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

I know right, a rep. came to my school & I was hooked. Laf's perfect! Nope, I'm from Jamaica, we used to be a colony so we're British in English.

Fingers crossed for us both then?
;)

Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

Astor

Thank you ;)
I haven't changed a lot as you advised, I don't wanna lose the originality.
Thanks a mil.

Armani

Thanks a mil too. You've been very helpful, I wrote a lot more thanks to you cutting out the parts where I strayed. Greatly appreciated.

Grace

Thanks to you too :)
I have made some changes and have tried to transition somewhat smoother into ideas. The point was to use the travelling-part as an anecdote to demonstrate that when I was younger I did not understand why I couldn't go places but as I have matured and due to the environment I was raised in, I fully understand why I cannot and in turn, make the best of my situation.

Joe

Thanks for the comment, I tried to incorporate more of a 'so-what' factor this time around by getting a tad more personal.

Revision: Coming Soon!

Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

Whoops, I meant 15th. :) Applying to Lafayette, its my number one choice. Also international plus my teacher hasn't submitted it on CommonApp as yet.

I hope I get in BAD.
Your welcome though and best of luck!

Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

Its preferably before Dec 15, but they accept up to Jan 1st. :)

Undergraduate / "The bank officials." - MIT personal essay [8]

Kruthi

I loved this! It was so real and gripping and I really feel that you are willing to fight for what you want. I can also greatly relate to you as I go through the same things...

Your ending was nice and witty and definitely incorporated some element of surprise and I believe the adcons will like that spice. Also highlights a lot of good personality traits.

Overall very good essay!

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Music, good movies' - roommate BU supplemental essay [8]

Clinton

The ending/concluding sentence could have a little more POW. & in the body of the essay maybe you could incorporate more of your personality traits, you squarely talked only about what you love. Are you an optimist? Are you comedic? etc. You could also try to make it a little more interesting, though I believe that problem will be corrected once you insert more about your personality.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Lafayette College - Cur Non moment [12]

Lishan


Suggestion: parents tended to place emphasis solely on academics.


Suggestion: So it's no surprise, I found...
I think that would be a stronger starting instead of just paltry "Hence"

Otherwise I think this is a pretty good essay. Nice and solid.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Do you enjoy running?' - common app short essay [6]

Kikuchi

I like how you ended it, thought it was a really unique + witty ending. You could add more about how running affects you/why is it your passion as Lost Boy mentioned. Otherwise its pretty good! Also maybe you want to state why running is a challenge for you and how you overcome that, for example: "I have asthma, but I would not let it stand in the way, despite the constant complications and challenges because running is my passion" <something akin to that.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Fibonacci in Nature'- Harvard Supp't [8]

Astor


watch it*


Those were the only grammatical errors I managed to stumble across. Mymy, this was a long essay. I think it was fairly well written, some of the transitions could be better so just pay attention to the beginning of each paragraph. Overall this demonstrates how accurate and decisive you are, and how dedicated you are - which are all good characteristics to have. I agree with Jason and Joe about the curiosity.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'academic excellence, location, small student body' - Why Tufts? [7]

Theresa

I agree with Max, its kind of common and generic in some instances. Try and talk about yourself. The trick to why X? questions is showing why X is the place for YOU.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'I have two parents' - MIT - challenge or even that didn't go as planned [4]

Yes I most certainly do.

Also, can't believe I missed these typos/
losing sleep & words where you have worlds.

Undergraduate / 'Place of Worship' - Common App Main [4]

Joe

But by saying "Only the strong will survive" & you walking in, doesn't that subtlety say that you are not weak.
I understand that you have those little indents, but I was just cutting down what I thought you could do without.
Okay though.

Undergraduate / 'Book, Magazines, Challenge, Events, Summers, History' - Stanford Essays [7]

Grace

Ohkay, the ones I have seen haven't been like that so I was wondering. I rather liked yours, nice twist.
& your welcome.

Undergraduate / 'I have two parents' - MIT - challenge or even that didn't go as planned [4]

Andrew


Nicely done! I am not sure if it will be received positively by the admins, but I found the 'humour' rather refreshing. It kind of sounds snide/mocking, but I think the end clarifies that. I hope the humour works in your case.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'Book, Magazines, Challenge, Events, Summers, History' - Stanford Essays [7]

Historical Moment


I think the second one is better, but it needs a tweak.

Suggestion: As one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, it is no surprise that I wonder about the Pyramid of Giza. It must have been an absolutely fascinating experience to have witnessed its creation. The enormous pyramid exemplifies the vast potential of the human mind in collaboration with the body.

For the five word prompt, is it supposed to be five words exactly?

Favourite Event

Enjoyable and well written while portraying your vast love of art.

Last Two Summers, Books & Newspaper

Nicely done, you showed how versatile you are by giving examples for every field required.

Significant Issue

Pertinent issue. Ssuggesting a cure was also well done of you.

Hope this helps & if you don't mind would you take a look at my common app. essay. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

Armani

I see, well if I need a few words, I'll be sure to use contractions then.
Hmmm, I think prompt 5 could work. It would just be the diversity part that worries me.

Yep, the limit is tight. Where do you think I veered off?

Working on a revised version.

Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

First: Thanks for all the compliments ;)
Now the critiques/feedback

Movitor

Mhmmm that was not my original intent but glad I could incorporate an element of suspense in my essay. I'll try and fix the transition, I also realized it.

Armani

I'm fraternal and black as well, it really bugged me that I was just a twin, so high school on my own was quite an adventure. Yep, best school in the country (literally, no bragging I live in a small country) and apparently that means we're all rich, its so annoying when I hear outsiders who seriously believe we're stuck up. Though sometimes when I hear my friends talk I'm like 'wow?'.

I'm iffy about the comma too, but will change to fourth grade.
I get what you mean about jumping from idea to idea, I had hoped the progression was smooth and flowed. I'm thrilled, my last essay didn't show too much of me so I was hoping this would portray more of me. I was also aiming at natural and not showy words so mission accomplished! Will check commas and see if I can change a few with periods.

I am at 499 words, but I purposely did not use contractions cause I've always been taught no contractions in sentence, essays etc. Is it allowed/okay?

Max

That was not my original intent, though I can see how you derived that opinion. I was trying to say that when my hard work pays off and I am able to, I will conduct my own travels and hence have my own stories to tell. Well I don't tell much stories now, but in the future once I am able to have more experiences, I will be able to tell me own stories. That part was really to bring it back to the original anecdote where I had nothing really to say about my summer vacation.

I think I see your point, however the conclusion was supposed to demonstrate what I have learned from the environment that I grew up in and the disciplines I have developed because of that environment.

Undergraduate / 'Education is limitless' - short answer- co-curricular activity (Teaching) [3]

Janvi

I think your essay is very well written and shows how tutoring has affected and improved you also more importantly it demonstrates what you can give back to a college community. Good Job!

Hope this helps. Didn't see any grammar/content changes I would make. Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

Thanks, will reply to comments soon & will be sure to look at your essay! :)

Undergraduate / "Piano and Ballet": Tufts supplement. Very Short! [4]

Theresa

Overall I think this was a nicely done essay. It shows your love & what you have learned/gained from music and dancing. Good job.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Kit Kats: Common Application Essay [10]

Midori

I like the concept of using Kit-Kat's to demonstrate your verve to try new things. I thought, keep regular dark chocolate...I don't want to do things that are common -was a funny yet uncanny way of explaining that you wanted to mix it up. Pushing boundaries and trying new things is always a good trait to demonstrate. Adding the things that you want to accomplish was also a nice touch. Overall I think this essay was well-written and you focused on a specific part of your self and managed to tack in little tidbits about yourself while keeping it entertaining.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'the weird little things that define me' - Tufts Supplement Question 3 [7]

Katie

OMG, I LOVE your essay!! It's so daring and risky too which I find very bold of you, though I am not sure how well received this essay will be. I love your humour and I daresay I see the charm to you, fascinating and real tidbits about yourself shone deliriously through and it was an absolute pleasure to read as well. But maybe I identify because I agree with so much things, loved the feminist part, because I too complain when I have to do anything arduous, saying your a hypocrite might come off too strong, maybe "I know a bit hypocritical of me" instead, because your statement is rather absolute and might give the impression that your hypocritical in ALL areas of your life and that is something you don't want. I hope that being as brutally honest as you were helps you - I think its a redeeming quality, which given the right admissions reader, they may also agree. Overall EXCELLENT.

Undergraduate / 'No Buzz Lightning' - Common App Personal Statement [6]

Ama

I actually like the fact that she mentioned the two incidents which showed exactly what she mentioned in the last line of paragraph two. The only thing is maybe the flow between the paragraphs was kind of abrupt. Conclusion and introduction were amazing! & the overall essay I think was brilliantly written except for a few grammatical flaws here and there.

Undergraduate / "Dad won't be happy" Lehigh University: WHY US? [6]

No problem honey :)
I'll review your revised version if you'd like.

Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Lishan

Yes that makes a whole lot of sense.

Lafayette's emphasis on research will also, prepare me for graduate school.
Don't know how that did not come for me.

I know right, I think its so unfair because I have A LOT to say about Lafayette, but I guess they want to see how concise we can be while answering the question.

Undergraduate / 'religion and history' Lafayette - Why are you interested in Lafayette College? [9]

Lishan


Overall it was nicely done. LOL, the world limit nearly killed me myself, but I mastered it. Good Luck!

Undergraduate / "Dad won't be happy" Lehigh University: WHY US? [6]

Hadi

No worries. Maybe you could say the professors are what you find the most unique as they will strengthen you academically & will also provide you with what you need socially. So you can still mention Dr. Blum & professors socializing with you and the close knit environment.

Makes sense?

Undergraduate / "Dad won't be happy" Lehigh University: WHY US? [6]

Hadi

Quick question: Aren't you supposed to focus on one unique aspect?

Undergraduate / 'How'd your audition go?' - MIT significant challenge essay [2]

Sasha

I think this was bloody brilliant. Loved - I never managed to draw blood & the wiki mention - those brief touches of humour were nicely done.

The first few sentences or rather clipped statements were good attention grabbers though fairly harsh, but illustrated your point. The bawling demonstrated your human side, which I found endearing.


This might connote a lot of negativity towards yourself.

Maybe change "good" to "Ahhh"/"Okay"..dont want to come off as a liar.

Transition from saunter in unprepared and later could be better.
Overall I think you answered the prompt spot-on! Very nicely done.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / "Why Columbia?" "Zombie Apocalypse" - Columbia University Supplement [4]

Christine

I really liked your essay. Starts off with such a different twist topped of with the fact that you integrated other aspects of Columbia that you like. Sweet dude! Well written, I like how you express yourself.


Suggestion: The first time I visited New York City, it was barren and nothing like I had imaged.


Suggestion: imfamous

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / (harry potter, newspapers, no hope, volunteering, Beatles) Stanford Responses [6]

Hannah

I'm not really sure how to judge/grade these tiny titbits per-say...I'll just give my two cents here and there.


should be effect or another word, the sentence itself is quite weird-sounding.

Mhmmm, maybe for your biggest issue response you should be more genuine. Sit down and really think about what bothers you/is a significant challenge about society. If you are writing about something that you are passionate about, your fervour/enthusiasm will come through!

There is some form of humour/wit going on: yahoo, enough said, Amazon book for my addiction.

Hope this helps! If you wouldn't mind, could you look at my common app. essay. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'the difficulty of making money' -COMMON APP short answer [2]

miii

Suggestion:RIIIING! I was awakened promptly at 5AM, by the two alarms I had set in order to be early. Rubbing my eyes, I set off to the convenience store that I called home for a year now. (I do not think you should mention the low pay, its unnecessary and sounds like your sucking up) I had a variety of tasks to do: monitoring the cashier, cleaning, taking phone calls, helping customers mail packages, baking bread, deep frying chicken and French fries, and I was also entrusted with training new staff. Despite the large quantity of tasks I was in charge of, the one that presented the most difficulty was dealing with unreasonable customer complaints and demands. I, however learned to control my irritation and always endeavoured to treat these customers politely and with a smile. My job provided me with the opportunity to observe persons and it improved my ability to judge persons's character. I enjoy my job, but at the same I learned how difficult it was to make money and, thus, used it more responsibly.

I did not quite grasp what you were trying to say in the last sentences, but I still tried to make some sense out of it. Also hope I do not push you over the word limit.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / playing "doctor" ; Penn -Medicine as my calling. [3]

Yusra

You have definitely done your research as you amply provide example of that fact. Its good that you are aware of PENN and I think that the admissions reader will appreciate this as well. You also handled they why you like medicine aspect well, the opening sentence was a good intro, and demonstrates that medicine truly is your calling and has been so for a while. Overall I think your essay was nice and solid, and just needs a little more tweaking.

Is there a word limit?
Hope this helps! & take a look a my common app essay if you can. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'I want to become an engineer' - MIT- which department or program [4]

Mhmmmm, okay I think you should pick something and expound on it, for example you could elaborate further on the condition your sister has.

Suggestion: I have always wanted to be an engineer there was nothing else I would rather do. I want to use my strength in math and science (maybe give a fitting example of a type of math/science) along with my grisly determination to change lives. My sister has had diabetes for eight years and has struggled...(provide an example or area she has struggled with/in and then maybe a solution which you could use engineering to help you with). I believe that the outstanding facilities at (insert department/program at MIT) will be able to provide me with the means to solve her problems or alleviate her pains.

Ah, maybe something like that. You need to mention the specific department/program that appeals to and why.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? Finding a niche. [4]

Emily

This is a really, really good essay. It sounds so sincere and down-to-earth. I did not pick up on any grammatical mistakes either. The touches of humour here and there were perfectly incorporated into the essay and both why you like Swarthmore and tidbits about your personality were brilliantly elaborated on as well. Great Job!

Good luck & hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'a sweet tooth for the independent life' -Describe One Activity [10]

Grace

Nice ending and overall a lovely essay! I like the Grace Wei-Grace Kelly comparison.


Not really necessary, you could use this to expound more on the job.


This sentence either.

Hope this help!

Undergraduate / 'I developed scoliosis, kyphosis, and lordosis' - Stanford- Intellectual Experience [12]

Nishitha

I think you have a very good essay here. I agree with Julie that you should bring the conclusion back to your experience and how that has influenced. I see no grammatical errors other than the ones already pointed out.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay [25]

Sarah

Mhmmmm, I thought I had expounded on how reading has affected me through mention of helping my friends with their homework and the book club sessions I have.

Undergraduate / 'Love&MD' - Common Application Essay [4]

Patrick

Thanks.
It's supposed to show how I used to tamp down on my personality/weirdness because I wanted to be accepted/to fit in, but since listening to her music I've realized that I should be who I am regardless -basically to live without fear of what others think of me. Also that I have come to grips with my emotions and now embrace them rather than completely ignore them. Both of these has made me a stronger individual, coming to grip with my emotions has enabled me to better deal with my problems as well as other persons and I enjoy life more because I am not trying to be what I think others expect.

That was what I was trying to show. Don't know if you get that.

Denise

Thank you.
I meant that I could better understand and react to persons emotions. Maybe I should reword that entire sentence, it does sound mighty confusing.
Thank you, I was hoping the vocab would flow well.
Why does cynical have to be associated with something bad. Mhmmm, I will change it to skeptic though, I guess that's a lot less harsh.