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Posts by deremifri
Joined: Dec 25, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 137  

From: Germany

Displayed posts: 146 / page 1 of 4
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deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'polyphasic sleep' - MIT Biggest challenge [11]

Challenge MIT

A total new version

Polyphasic sleep is the concept of reducing your daily sleep to four or even two hours by sleeping several times a day. It only takes a strict schedule and a hard adaptation period of four weeks. However, I just could not get through this period. Besides sleep-deprivation my biggest problem was that I often did not have enough motivation to get out of bed.

After two failed attempts that both ended with flu it seemed that I just did not have willpower for this endeavor.
Before accepting my inadequacy I decided to try one final time with more structure.
I started sleeping on the floor, taking cold showers only to improve my self-discipline and denied myself any food if I overslept.
Most importantly however, I knew that if I would fail again I would lose all self-respect.
After two weeks I started to feel less sleepy, and after four weeks I felt the triumph of succeeding.
I had transcended traditional sleep.
This venture has infuriated me with the power of the mind. Using my new found time I have learned speed-reading, which enables me to read texts two times faster, and experimented with lucid dreaming, which is the learnable ability to control your dreams actively, an entire new state of being.

These experiences have convinced me that the human mind is capable of much more than we imagine. But it is getting late now: Time to take my saxophone to the park and play in the romantic atmosphere of the sleepless.

I would appreciate any feedback,
especially on the last sentence: Is it clear that I am mentioning the saxophone to demonstrate what I do with my new found time?
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My Battle with Reality (lol)' - Stanford Supplemental Essay - Intellectual Vitality [6]

The thing is that your essay most of the time a negative tone, you did not know what
reality is, you were shocked, and so on.
It would be no problem if this was what you were shooting for,
however since you mention being enchanted, i feel like you were shooting for something postive.
Also you mention respect for nature, which is a very interesting theme,
however you should introduce this earlier.

Hope this helps
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. [10]

one thing:

isn't it supposed to be
regarded my twin sister and me
also:
we are all rich, athletically disinclined nerds.
and someone who worked hard to get good grades, I am a living testimony
I must say that I do not really see the contradiction between being a nerd and someone who works hard to get good grades.
But other than that it is, as already mentioned, well, countless times, awesome.

By the way, props to creating a thread with 45 posts :)
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. [10]

Although the beginning of the second essay is extraordinarily original,
you do not elaborate on the different sides of your being,
but on writing text messages.
So why the three characters in the beginning?
Also, you should write about something that is important to you, and personally I do not
really believe that you are really passionate about text messages.
So my suggestion: stick with the first essay, which is awesome.

Since you are a great editor, I would love if you could find the opportunity to go over my revised sadness essay and tell me what you think.
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Reading is my guilty pleasure' - Upenn Introduce yourself [12]

I also like the first essay better, since it is more interesting.
However, as already mentioned, it does not tell enough about you.
You can cut out parts that are neither really about reading in itself nor about you
like "whether on a train or in a chair"
And fill out the word limit.

I will greatly appreciate feedback of my revised sadness essay.
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Hobby & Department short essays (MIT admission) [5]

Maybe you need little stronger conclusion for the first one,

"When it comes to choosing my major, there is no doubt in my mind that I want to study in the field of computer science."

This is a very long sentence, considering that it has only two informations
computer science, and no doubt.
The first part is not unnecessary. Remember: MIT wants you to be concise.

The rest is great.

By the way, would you mind checking out my revised sadness essay?
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Sadness"- Yale supplement [9]

@phhai what exactly do you mean by beer and high school girl. Although I do mention a girl, it is not in relation to beer.
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I always wear a purple hat' - Johns hopkins supplement #2 [19]

Now, I'm only shy at the right time and loud at the right time , fixed upon doing nothing but the best, and my inward personality has never ceased.

Thanks for checking out my essay, however: where exactly does the middle begin?
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my question asking habit' - Boston University Roommate [5]

Do not say "I'll start off with an anecdote". It is too straightforward.
Try something like "Anecdotes tell the most about a person"
Also consider if an anecdote of you as a six year old is really a good
indicator of you now.
Also consider if an anecdote where you fight with your mom by laying down on the floor
in a supermarket, screaming to get some candy, makes you look like someone
who does want to make other people happy.
Also, this I want to promote world peace is too straightforward and cliched,
and although you admit that it is a cliche, it still does not look good.
If you want to have the promote world peace, then you should prepare the
introduction of this subject a little longer.
"I like making people happy.
"Not only people in my environment, but from around the world.
It makes me sad to see hunger and war and suffering people in the world
therefore world peace is important to me.
The second paragraph is better,
but not would but will
and do not even mention the possibility that your roommate
would not like you
Also, if you are saying that you do not make a sound
then it does not sound logical that your incessantly talking.
On a general basis, do not use so many times phrases like Well, that's about it. I hope this email gave you some insight of what I'm like.

Try to make it a little more personal and you your essay will be fine.
Hope this helps
I will greatly appreciate feedback on my revised sadness essay, thanks.
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I always wear a purple hat' - Johns hopkins supplement #2 [19]

Great essay, but to me the last sentence does not flow perfectly:
I do not think you need the only in front of shy,
and if you are still shy sometimes, it is no contradiction (but) that your inward personality has never ceased.
Just my thoughts though. See if they make sense to you.

By the way I would be honored if you could take a look at my revised sadness essay.
deremifri   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'southern peasant with city dreams' - Why NYU? [7]

Well, to me it does make you sound pretentious.
Consider the following:
NYU has students from around the world, maybe some of them are also from villages, and NYU wants to
have a good functioning student body.
If you are judgemental about the villagers' life style, who says that you won't be judgemental about a different from your own
lifestyle of a NYU student?
You do not want to sound like a liberal elitist that looks down on other people's lifestyle.
You can still describe the limitations you felt, but be a little less harsh on your peers.

Hope this could help.

It would be great if you could take a look at my revised sadness essay:
deremifri   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Moving away and going to college' - Stanford Roommate Letter [21]

The thing about your essay is that the introduction which is vry interesting does not match what you are writing in the next paragraphes.
So, although the inroduction and the rest is great on its own, they do not work together.
You should focus more on your change.
You can make a really good essay.

I would be glad if you could review my essay.
deremifri   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my problems are microscopic compared to others' Carnegie Mellon University supp [4]

So here's the thing
If you want to make it interesting you should use stronger words.
Do not say: none of the students said he did not like cmu
Say, every student was fascinated. They passed that fascination upon me.
And the business part. The personal situation like the loss of your father's job is much more interesting than something like the talks about business of your fathers.

And at times it is just so formal, no passion comes through.
Show your passion and do not hide behind formal language.
Then you have the potential to make a really good essay.

Hope this helps.

I would really like for you to give me some feedback on my essay. I am quite desperate right now.
deremifri   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / UVa Supplement - World I come from "Neighbors" [3]

The problem with your essay is that you do not tell specific enough how the influence has shaped you.
I am left knowig more about horses and the Viviann's than about you.
Try to cut down on the unnecessary descripitons that have nothing to do with you and talk a little bit about the impact it had on you.

Hope this helps

By the way, would you mind giving feedback on my essay? I would realy really really really apreciate it.
deremifri   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "Sadness"- Yale supplement [9]

Tell us something about yourself you did not get the chance to say in the common app

This essay here is a lot like psychoanalysis. I get to talk about myself to an academic, I do not see the addressed person and I get to pay 80 dollars for this opportunity. "So how are you feeling today?"

To be honest I am sad. Sometimes I feel just the pain of being. It is the result of the gap between idea and reality, or the difference between what is and what is possible.

I believe strongly in the idea of cultural understanding and yet I look at a world full of racial conflicts.
However, it is not only intellectual, but also personal disappointment in the world.
When I first went to secondary school everything was intense. I met new friends and felt the total excitement of saying "Hello, I am Max." to a cute girl. Although I have now grown accustomed to school, sometimes in a trite lesson I cannot help but long for the thrill of the first day.

One way to deal with the gap is to simply block out the sun of ideas and to live sedatedly in the cave of conventions. I have tried this a few times. However, even when I was laughing and drinking beer at boring parties, my happiness was only superficial. It did not feel real. This is why I choose to seek true excitement through exploring the virtually endless possibilities of human experience.

About a year ago I first read about the revolutionary concept of polyphasic sleep. By sleeping several times a day, one can reduce daily sleep to four hours, or even up to two hours. All it takes is an incredibly hard adaptation period of four weeks.

Although my first two failures led me almost to believe polyphasic sleep was impossible my fascination with the idea let me try a third time and succeed. Since two months I have four hours a day more to expand my knowledge and experience.

I have learned speed-reading, which enabled me to read texts two times faster, and started to meditate daily, which lets me attain peace.
However, the most prodigious discovery I made was lucid dreaming. This is the learnable ability to control one's dream actively. Mankind is actually able to create the world as it likes.

When I explore these things I feel like a pioneer into the unknown realms of the human mind, which fills me with pure passion. When I make myself aware of the fact that I have learned about those things in just one year, I realize that I have only glimpsed into the human potential which is bigger than I can possibly imagine. This fills me with awe of life and lets me forget about my occasional sadness.

Well, our first session has come to an end and I have obviously started to feel better. I hope that we can begin treatment at your office in fall. Psychoanalysis takes a long time, so how would you feel about a time span of four years?

Please review as drastically as you like

Well, our first session has come to an end and I have obviously started to feel better. I hope that we can begin treatment at your office in fall. Psychoanalysis takes a long time, so how would you feel about a time span of four years?
deremifri   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Commonapp- Picking My Eyebrows [16]

First of all I admire your determination to create something that fits your personality.
Just one thing:
When it comes down to it, people are very similar to each other, no matter how much we try to stand out.
Although this is a strong sentence, I do not see how it ties in with the rest of your essay.
Overall very good.
Would you mind checking out my essay?
I would be really honored.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Student and citizen' - (why Mac)Admission Essay [2]

I would recommend implementing the reasons why you would be a good student for mac into
the descriptions of your value of internationality. "Internationality is great as I saw when I blabla"

The first paragraph does not add anything to the story, and it does not make you look great.
Why put it in?

Come and have a look at my essay, if you like.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a never ending line of risks I refused to take' What matters to you and why? [10]

I am not sure:
Either it is mediocre or borderline genius:
Until I got to the last sentence I thought that the essay has not much to do about the things Stanford wants to hear: like values, ideas or people

However the last sentence is in its simplicity so great, really great. It merges everything together.
In addition you have told a beautiful story that portrays you in a good light.
But the fact remains that saying water is what matters to you is kind of weird.
Don't know if a "even if it sounds strange" would help, since it kind of reduces the impact of the last sentence.

But I am not sure whether you should talk so much about water in the first paragraph and more about the principles you have
acquired in life.

I would really love if you could check out my essay.

I could not help it I just have to post this:
Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend. -Bruce Lee
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Get over it, Jump, and Hurry Up!' - W&M essay- advice? [6]

Look, it seems like you took this opportunity to praise yourself
But the propt asks for uniqueness and colorfulness, so you should
not describe the things you did in so much detail, but elaborate on how it makes you different.
Also I do not know about the best of the best part, many people want to be the best of the best, so it does not make

you special.
Tryto focus more on "I do not make the mistake of underestimating the value of a positive outlook."
and elaborating on that.

By the way, would you like to check out my essay?
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'trivial personal matters' - Brown Cubism/new perspective Essay [10]

A good essay.
One thing, maybe subjective, look if it makes sense to you.
The last part about the idiosyncrasies:
It sounds great, but it does not really relate concretely to your story.
But overall touching.

Mind checking out my essay?
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I had a dream: get into NYU' - NYU Supplement [15]

I for my part like the younger self part, since flattering in a joke is not that bad.
However, the first essay says many words about the economic situation,
but despite their being interesting they do not tell Why NYU
And I do not know about the repay NYU about being a dream part
Overall you use dream a little to much for my taste.

2.
Dont use that many thats in the first sentence.
Do not say including but not limited to. It sounds not exactly passionate.
Do not make the last part a listing of particips. It drives away the strength of those sentences.

By the way, mind checking out my essay?
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

I recommend you to be a little more concise.
You say so many times that he is passionate and commited, it just seems overloaded.
Maybe you could make the influence come out stronger.
Maybe by relating how you first saw him on the steps smiling to you.
One thing you might want to add is that your director smiled sincerely. If he did so.
And the first sentence does not make real sense to me.
First not influenced but inspired, then influenced=inspired.
You should also talk more about how he influenced you.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / A Bold but Quick Move - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Supplement Essay [3]

The prompt is to talk about one experience or idea.
It is not visible in your essay whether you talk about an experience which has been important to you.
So if the thing you would like to talk about is your father's decision making, you should place it more prominently and
describe it more vividly, so that it really becomes an experience.
Is your experience playing Risk with your cousins?
Or is the idea that has influenced your intellectual development that decisions are not everything?
However, the last thing: I really do not know if decisions are not important is the kind of intellectual development Stanford wants to have.
1. They want leaders.
2. It at times seems to be about personal development rather than intellectual.

Hope this could help.

By the way, would you like to check out my essay?
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A student, not an athlete' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [10]

Your essay is in the beginning incredibly well written, until you get to the so well.
Afterwards I sense the lack of elaboration. I mean, soccer had been your life,
what had made you realize that it was the wrong reasons?
And also, Stanford asks what matters to you. You should maybe clearly say something like:
passion for something should be also fun, not driven by the urge to success.
As a European I have no idea whether the reader will know what an assist is, try to find some answer to that.
And the last thing:
In my experience the whole point of soccer is to make a goal so your team wins.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my first multi-pitch climb' - Why Swarthmore? Supplement [6]

I like the essay, however one could also say that the prompt is to explain your reasons for Swathmore.
The first paragraph has nothing to do with it. In a way, he is also the most interesting.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Homeless guy " Common app essay [7]

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence

Mankind has always loved myths and fairytales. The characters in those stories are idealized and represent ideas common to us. Little red riding hood is the epitome of moral goodness, the wicked witch in Hansel and Gretel represents pure evil. We need those characters since in reality people have always two sides to their personality. However, sometimes a person, who seems to come out of a different world, comes along to influence our lives forever.

Two years ago I volunteered at the "Bahnhofsmission", an organization at the railway station that took care of everybody who was in need of help. While my first two days of work had been calm, at the end of my third day I was devastated. A man whose marriage proposal was rejected came in and insinuated under tears that he was about to kill himself. A heroin addict had thrown his syringes at us, shouting "I hope you all get aids". The atmosphere had calmed down, but I was deeply shocked. However, then something happened religiously inclined people would call a wonder.

Equipped with torn clothes, a wild beard and crutches a homeless man came in who seemed as though he had slept a week under a bridge. In fact, he had. "After sleeping a week under a bridge you just need a coffee", he said laughingly and sat down. While I was providing him with coffee my co-volunteer whispered to me that the man reeked of alcohol. Obviously endowed with a good sense of hearing, the man said smilingly:

"You know, this is exactly what some cops told me when I was driving with an electronic wheelchair down the road. "You smell very much like alcohol, sir". Then I:"I am an alcoholic. I always smell like alcohol". The cops:"Are you drunk right now?" "Again I am an alcoholic. I am always drunk".

"But you cannot drive like this on the road!" "What are you gonna do? Take away my wheelchair?"
"OK, but be cautious." "Of course I am cautious you idiots, these are my bones."

This person was the epitome of peace. He instilled in me fascination with the power of mind, which made him perfectly happy despite disability and homelessness and which afterwards enabled me to not let asthma and skin disease affect my mental happiness. More importantly, this man fascinated by being simply himself which showed me that inside of every person is something uniquely beautiful worth searching for. This revelation sparked my interest in psychology and acting which both let me explore the wonderful depths of a personality.

If he read those lines he would likely say laughingly "I am not the epitome of anything. I am just a bum." He would probably have a point. However, mankind needs inspiring stories to carry it through times of doubt and uncertainty. Just as children are read every night the fairy tale they love, every time I have doubts in humanity I remember this man and realize that life is ultimately beautiful.

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My mom wanted to be a doctor' / 'Challenge' - MIT essay [8]

@sunil1
How do you think this works? You have to check out other people's essays so they will be glad to review yours.
However, my impression is:
You at times try to say philosophical things like "The experiences and culture in which a person lived, impacts him a lot".
This just sounds trite and does not have any depth. Why do you think they ask this question? They already know that it impacts you a lot.

The first one is supposed to tell how this environment has shaped you. You don't do that.
Regarding the second one:
You are supposed to talk about your challenge: however, you spent half the time talking about your father's condition.
Focus more on the process of getting better grades. Or if you want to keep your father in that essay, you can tell how you emotionally tried to come to terms with that.

My recommendation is: Revise the essays, upload them again, edit some other essays and have someone editing yours.

Hope this helps.
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Quark Model' - MIT rec [6]

Have you ever read an evaluation that an employer gives his previous employee, who was just average and often late?
Such an evaluation is marked by the fact that it's usually quite positive, but there is nothing to back up the claims.
So, what this means for your evaluation is, that your teacher could tell a story.
He says your obsessed with finding a solution. A strong word, so certainly there must be a story where you proved your obsession, right?
Seeing that MIT receives evaluations for very good students I think that strong words and superlatives do not impress them anymore,
they want anecdotes ( as you can read in the actual formular)
My teacher talked for example about how I danced a balkan dance with a girl in front of the class, demonstrating my social skills and love for diversity.

Hope this helps
deremifri   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'We tried out best throughout the season' - Yale Supplement [5]

You should consider the possibility that the following is nonsense, since
I cannot claim to hava any real knowledge about the admission process.
But here's the thing:
1. The prompt asks specifically to tell something about yourself. The first part is mainly
concerned with a live moment description. This, and this is another point that maybe only right from my perspective,
is the most unoriginal thing in a college essay there is. If you look at the essays here one third of them begins with a live

action description. What is once original and engaging turns if read many times, as the adcoms do it, into trite and meaningless.
Anyway the description does not add anything about your character.
2.The live description would actually make some sense if you really wanted to win and you were there for the competiton.
However, the description is about something that went well, however you tell later that you lost.
If the trip was actually about the change you should describe the change better.
The end has actually some sentences that I like very much.

So, you see this was all extremely subjective, and chances are it's pure nonsense.
This is why you should always take into account several opinions.

Hope this helped

By the way, regarding whether winning did not matter at all or only less than in the beginning:
Just be sincere. If you felt terrible that you lost, then say so, if the experience you got there made the losing meaningless
then write that. On the whole the adcoms are probably tired of people who pretend to be passionate over achievers, who think life is very beautiful,

who are ambitious, and believe in the duty to help the less fortunalte, without having anything in their application to back that up.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "American Airman" | Topic #1 Common Application [5]

Are you allowed to talk on the common application about it?
Anyway, you could maybe make it sound like this kind of man you are portraying is the ideal that you strive to achieve.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Faq, Help / Otherwise, a small fee (starting at $5 per thread) explain this [8]

By the way, you are allowed to have as many open threads as you like. They just do not appear in the "Help with mine" section at the end.

YOu can close the thread by clicking close this thread at the top of the page.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "American Airman" | Topic #1 Common Application [5]

Look, I will tell you outright that I am German, so my perspective is
not the American one, which is why I maybe a little more sensitive to the topic
so keep that in mind.

I find the beginning much too elavated.
When I began reading I thought that this was a list of overused and unrealistic cliches that
the author was going to criticize. However, you are just trying to praise yourself,
which considering your high school years is a little inappropriate, since those years should make you more modest.
And how have you defended your nation? Have you actually been abroad?

Also, the end suggests that you joined the military not because of passion but because you were scared of failing in college.

Again, my perspective is a little different, so see if my suggestions make sense to you,
but in my mind such strong praises should be only applied if you have actually achieved anything.
And even in that case, you should rather let the achievements do the talking.

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