Writing Feedback / 'Talk is cheap' -the way modern communication shapes the way people communicate [2]

I like the theme here... we communicate more but say less. I'll correct the run on thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph:

This transformation has undeniably altered communication between individuals, and because of the recently emerged communication innovations; we may in fact communicate more, however but we tend to say less.

I see that each paragraph 2 to 4 begins with a topic sentence that expresses the paragraph's main idea. That's great, but I want to fix up this one in the 3rd paragraph:

As it has been stated, Communication through modern text is easy and efficient, although simultaneously impersonal.

And I like the way the last paragraph gives a reflection and expansion on the main idea. That is the way to do it.

When you look at the 3 body paragraphs, can you give ONE word that sums up the main idea of each? The main idea is expressed in the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE so look at the first sentence of each paragraph and you can decide if you think the meaning is succinct and clear.

Undergraduate / 'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence. [10]

Capitalize: "No way! That ...

Put a space after the periods and commas:
I remember announcing that on my ninth birthday before our only new television. A rat, headed for cheese, was...

Jerry surprisingly lifted objects that I could never lift. ---ha ha, this is great writing! Well, they are cartoon boxes, so you probably could lift them.

In one of the TV series; Tom shot at Jerry who, after having been hit by the first bullet, jumped on the second bullet and rode on it ti its destination where he switched off a jet programmed for destruction.---In this part, I made some changes so that it would flow nicely and I added "having" to make the correct verb tense.

One word, not two: classmates

the comma comes before the " mark:
in college added pepper to my wound. "Perhaps, it's my destiny," I muttered on my bed where I decided not to ever think of studying abroad.

Great ending, you should be very confident in this. I hope you have a lot of time to help other people on essayforum, because you have good ideas.

Undergraduate / 'diligent mind and body' - Rutgers Personal Essay [2]

Your first sentence needs more of a punch, but your point is strong in this paper. Always make statements and not opinions, this makes the reader confident,if not convinced, that you are utterly correct. Take out the "I believe" and read the sentence back to yourself. You may find this to be a great tactic.

You can always improve the strength of your writing by taking out "I believe."
Look:
I believe Rutgers University demands a ...--Isn't it much stronger and more confident this way? "I believe" is a phrase to be avoided.

I proudly exhibit a copious number of substantial qualities. These qualities include, but are not limited to: This cliche and the verbose sentence that precedes it are not helpful. They can be replaced with a paragraph topic sentence that plants a powerful idea in the reader's mind. What is that key idea? How do these qualities add up to make you totally confident about attacking challenges and achieving your SPECIFIC goals?

:-)

Book Reports / A good argument thesis for Titanic? [3]

you need to have a solid affirmation of the titanic's(the movie??) literary relevance? Well, that's what it seems so i'll give you some pointers to help you develop your thesis. It's intimidating because of the emphasis put on it by every teacher from elementary school on, but a thesis develops almost naturally. Now, you need an assertive mindset and your solid facts. You seek to convince your audience to perceive this work as a documentary of sorts. State your reasoning confidently as a fact, not an opinion. Good luck!

Book Reports / Fatalism vs self Determination vs human ambition - MACBETH THESIS - Am I in the right track? [5]

The first thing I did was look for the common thread among these three. I'm sorry, BTW, this is too late to help you; I hope you did well! Anyway, I am seeing that ambition is the theme for all three of these. You have one big theme that links them all together. So you could write a paragraph about each of these, but each paragraph could begin with a topic sentence about the central message you are giving about ambition.

The easy way is to write one paragraph or one page for each of these, citing examples from the play and considering the implications, etc., and how they apply in various situations. Then, you can go back and add topic sentences to the beginning of paragraphs and transition sentences to the ends. After you write the paragraphs, glue them all together by adding sentences that focus on one excellent message that makes your essay meaningful. The fact that you have these three subthemes should make it easy to build a paper. : )

Dissertations / Need research topic (automata languages and computation or system programming) [4]

That's such a large field, and it's very new. You have plenty of room to make contributions, but I can't really list problems for you to solve. In order to identify the most pressing issues in your area of interest, I would have to be an expert in that area. That's why you need to make a contribution like this in order to become an expert. Writing a thesis or dissertation is only 10% of the work. The other 90% is reading enough RECENT articles by others so that you know what problems have been tackled and what has been done about them. You'll find your own research question when you look at the next logical step that should be taken after the steps that are being taken now (i.e. you build off of another recent article). So Google around for "automata language" to find articles about it, and read one that has a literature review.

The trick is to read an excellent, recent literature review. : )

Book Reports / Analysis On Quotations of Oedipus the King [2]

You can start by writing some sentences about the context. To analyze each of these you can give a sentence to express the character's intention, etc. You can talk about what his emotions might be, what his reasons and emotions might be. After that, you can talk about why the writer of the play chose the particular words he chose. For each quote you can tell the meaning, the context, the reasons why the writer used the words he used, and then you can speculate about the implications and the ways these quotes might be meaningful for people in other situations. It's easy to write a lot about this sort of thing because you can write about what was said, why, how the character intended it, how the author intended it, and how people in different situations might interpret it. The trick is to come at it from a lot of different angles. :-)

Writing Feedback / Should arts-related entertainment venues such as museums and art galleries be free? [2]

Art is a form of expressing one's inner thoughts in the form of music, dance, sculptures, and carvings on stone etc.
Whenever you use a word 2 times in a sentence like this, you should check to see if it's awkward or redundant. In this case, it's a little of both...

Art involves expressing one's inner thoughts in the forms of ...

... for the people's attraction. The government spends a huge amount of money on expedition. ------- Okay, but at the end of the first paragraph you could add a sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraph. And since it's the intro paragraph, the main idea of the paragraph is probably the main idea of the whole essay. So think about this whole essay and try to express the main "message of the essay" in a single sentence. Add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph. :-)

Museums and art galleries are important, as they give an enormous amount of ...

In this sentence below, it should say GETTING instead of GIVING:
Student read a lot in books, but they can understand better by giving practical exposure ...

Keep practicing! Thank you for writing with us here at EF.

Dissertations / Suggest topics: HR Doctorate in Human Resource Management [25]

The place to go is a recent research article that interests you. Use it as your starting point. Just try to enjoy reading articles that interest you, and if they are professional journal articles many of them will have a literature review. You can read about all the work that has been recently done in your area of interest -- what research questions are being answered recently and what new questions do they raise?

For someone to suggest a topic requires them to CATCH UP with the scholarly discourse that is happening in your area of interest. One good article with a literature review can catch you right up to what is happening. That way, you can ask yourself what is the next logical step for scholars addressing the problems that need to be addressed in the field.

If you find a good article with a literature review, you can post the name of it in this thread and write a few sentences about the main idea. That will help you to know how to make a meaningful contribution to the "conversation" that is happening among scholars like you.

Essays / Need Help with Essay Topic for the Gateway Pipleline in BC... [2]

Yes, you need to have raw material to use for your essay. Read what has been written about it... arguments have been made on both sides, and you have to explain what the arguments were and really analyze them. You have to read enough of what people have written about it so that you form an opinion, and then you won't need to get advice about how to develop the essay because you'll have this idea you want to express.

I think some important person, like a judge or something, wrote a research study about the pipeline. I saw it online once. Do google searches and find all the good articles about this controversy.

As you read, watch for an idea that comes to mind -- the way you see the situation.
After that, just start typing body paragraphs. Every paragraph has a main idea that is given in the first sentence of the paragraph. So if you write 7 pages you might have about 18 body paragraphs... 18 ideas to support your argument.

Start pulling ideas out of the articles you find, and let each idea become a body paragraph. Write the introduction last, after you really developed your opinion about the issue. :-)

Graduate / (BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES) AVERAGE STUDENT AND A GOOD SOP?IS THIS POSSIBLE? [3]


I disagree. And in fact, I think you disagree, too. What if you had to hire an employee, and you had 5 applicants with strong track records and one applicant whose achievements were only average... would you immediately prejudge the candidate with only average credentials? She might be the only one with a VISION.

It would be quite ignorant to judge someone based on their background, and we should try to never do it. Even people who do not know this do know this on some level. They feel that they have strong intuition about people, and all the hiring managers and admission office people and committee members all have the same belief: "I know better than to blindly choose the candidate that looks good on paper.

Here is the key to success in these things: Have a clear plan with many short term goals. How inspired you would be by me if I told you I had a hunch about the mysterious causes that underlie the condition called autism... you would say to your self, "Oh, it's interesting that this guy has a hunch about autism." And then you continue to read and you find out that I am interested in the work of 3 different authorities studying autism and that I have a unique idea I want to develop... this is a real plan, it's real inspiration because I am a person who is really doing things.

That is all fiction, of course. I don't really do things. That's because I don't have a real plan. I am just like 95% of the applicants... drifting along, fancying myself a smart scholar with a bright future when I do not even really know what is important to me, what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be involved with bio science but I am not sure why. I do not have several specific steps I am going to carry out to make a particular difference in this word. I do not have a vision.

So do you see what I mean? A statement of PURPOSE is not a statement about a strong research background. It's a statement of PURPOSE!!! Look at 10 SOP's in this forum and I bet you will only find 1 or 2 that actually express a WELL DEVELOPED purpose.

What do I mean by well developed purpose? Google around about thich nhat hanh -- he has a purpose. Read about the life work of marie curie -- these are people who give a damn enough about the people in this world to actually FEEL motivated and make a plan.

So state your purpose.

But you can't because

I am still trying to figure out that particular field in BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES in which i would love to work

So you do not yet have a vision. That means you can't write the thing. Get this: You do not have to commit to a lifetime of work in molec bio, but how about if you read 2 journal articles every night and pay attention to the lit reviews, and SEE what research people have been doing. Then, study research methods that apply to your interests, study the experiments that have been carried out... read The Body Electric by Becker for inspiration. Your SOP can be about your current purpose, so what are you trying to achieve right now? You do not have to figure out your whole life's purpose.

Do you see what I mean? And yes, it is good to adjust the SOP for each school, because the SOP should show ways in which RESOURCES AND PROFESSORS IN THAT PROGRAM ARE ESPECIALLY GOOD FOR HELPING YOU ACHIEVE YOUR PURPOSE. That is how you make them feel responsible for letting you in.

So, to achieve your goal -- it's kind of cool -- you actually have to have a worthwhile effort you are going to make, and you have to set some goals and explain them in the SOP. No concrete goals, no plan. Nothing is urgently important to you right now? Then your spot is better filled by someone who is currently inspired.

Welcome to EssayForum!

Graduate / 'family business expanding like a banyan tree' - MS Management - SOP UK B School [3]

It would be a great idea to call the AO office and ask about length. Every school is different... often, it is supposed to be between 2 and 3 pages, so yours may be a little long.


After this part, it would be great to add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Add a sentence that really expresses what is important to you, what drives you. What is "your way" exactly" Give a sentence at the end of that first paragraph to capture the main message you want the reader to remember. I hope it is a message about a strong intention you have, and I hope you can show that this school's program is better than other programs for helping you carry it out. Show the reader that you have a clear vision about what you want to DO and let the reader see that you chose this program specifically because of certain things it offers that will be perfect for your unique plan.


This is "fluff." It does not really mean anything, because many schools could have innovative models and an entrepreneurial culture.


Same could be said of any school!

You write well, and you're accomplishments are impressive. I think this needs more of 2 things:
1.) More specific details about your plan for the next few years, and show that the details of your plan make this program better than the other programs available to you.

2.) More discussion of what you intend to DO, your purpose. Get specific, and set a lot of goals and deadlines for yourself. Let the goals you plan to achieve involve work you'll do at the school's facilities so that the reader sees that this programis partof your vision of the future. : )

Undergraduate / 'Getting lost in a book' - Favorite Place to get lost -UVA [3]

GREAT first sentence.. very insightful.
One place that I can usually count ---Get rid of "that" whenever it is unnecessary.

I like "enables"
Getting lost in a book enables...

If you can make a connection between the getting lost and your chosen field it will be very impressive. Do you get lost in books related to the field you are trying to enter by completing this program? Always let the reader come back to thinking about why it is important to you to go to this school instead of some other school. Put the pressure on the reader.. make them feel responsible for giving you this opportunity because of all the time you have invested. Make it so that even as you discuss this, your favorite place to get lost, you end up talking again about the aspiration that brings you to this application process. :-)

Student Talk / English writer books recommendation for language learning [6]


That does not sound like a worthwhile goal. :-)
In this modern world, all English is influenced by our unique cultures. It's better to let your English be unique.

However, I recommend Stephen King and Ernest Hemingway.. because they both have a simple, powerful style. I do not recommend a simple style because of some idea that you cannot handle complexity. I recommend it because simplicity is power in communication. When people write formal pieces or when they are practicing English they too often make language unnecessarily complex. They think complexity is impressive, but it's not. It is impressive to be able to understand complex pieces of writing, but when you write it should be straightforward and simple.

Thanks for practicing with us here. :-)

Graduate / SOP - Applying for a Master's of Health Care Policy. [3]

"I was part of this system, but enough is enough." This was...---I made it so that the quoted sentence ends and a new sentence begins to explain it.

...and this system is one of the most dilapidated systems in the country. ----It's okay to omit the word the second time.

The health care system in Egypt suffers from in all aspects; there is no effective and reliable system for

And I had a personal share of these tragedies when I have lost my 82 years old 82 year-old grandfather during...---Notice several small changes here.

He came out the doctor after two hours of the operation which was supposed to take 7 hours to announce the success of the operation, and in half an hour my

And also the doctor receives his fees in advance and then disappears, but the justice of heaven had the last word, because the doctor was arrested within days after of the procedur e because ...

...atrophy for a 10 year-old boy.---see the correct way to write someone's age? Use a hyphen.

After following a careful line of investigation about my future studies, I believe that the XXX program at ZZZ university would be a perfect fit with my current goal to further my education in the field of health care system development. (Right here, add a sentence that tells a specific reason why it is best for you. If you can show specific reasons it is better for your particular goals than other programs, the reader will be persuaded.)

This is really a great essay... it is full of real substance, and most of these essays are not. I think your small grammar errors are not as important. You will be impressive because of your excellent focus and goal oriented way of thinking.

Undergraduate / Community of scholars whose goal is to enrich the educational experience [3]

"once used to be" -- this is redundant... I think it should be like this:
I once use to be an introvert, however but my exposure to...

Also:
My aspiration to academic success...

...time studying in order for me to understand what was being taught.

My eager-to-learn attitude and my ...----hyphens

passion toward improving my knowledge has have been...

One of the reasons which I am drawn to----To improve your writing, streamline it. Omit unnecessary words. I think you have a great writing style!

Essays / SUNY-ESF Supplementary Application - how to start? (Chemistry / Engineer) [2]

So... what are your career goals? That is what is interesting to me as I read this sort of thing. I am always inspired by students who carefully choose a program of study based on real goals they want to achieve. Most students have only a general idea about what they want to do, but some rare students have a very well-developed plan, and they set goals and deadlines for themselves. The goals and deadlines should be part of your effort to get involved with what is going on right now in your chosen field. you can learn about what is going on right now in chem and environmental studies by reading some recent articles in professional journals.

The most impressive way to respond to this might be to respond by discussing current events in your chosen field and relating them to the elements of the program to which you are applying.

Undergraduate / McMaster Health Science program supplemental -- "Zero" [2]


I think this last sentence of the first paragraph could be modified so that it sums up or lists some of the important concepts. That will contribute to the essay's structure. Instead of saying it should survive through time because of "important concepts," you can list some of those concepts in the second half of this sentence. Then, the rest of the essay can explain those concepts.

Zero possess a plethera of applications because, it is a major corner stone in mathematics, which it self has a multitude of applications. I think this sentence does not carry enough meaning, and the essay might be better without it. You could replace it with any sentence you think will resound with poignancy in the reader's mind. :-)

In the zero essay, I think it's important to come up with one sentence that expresses the main idea about why zero is so fundamental or meaningful. It's not good enough to have many reasons; you should give one main concept that will linger in the reader's mind. What is the most meaningful thing about zero?

The difficult experience essay: Maybe you can write about a difficult experience that has something to do with your chosen field of study. Show the reader that you have experienced difficulty while pursuing the same expertise that you are now pursuing by applying to this program. That'll win them over ;-)

Graduate / SOP - Admission to Communications Program [3]

The fact that I didn't know the role of a Marketing Head at that age did not deter me and firmed me in my belief, nevertheless. ---I added a comma here.

I was thoroughly convinced that I needed to do my Masters to provide me with establish a sound foundation and...

I was in the client servicing team, and my specialization was...---added a comma

I am a staunch believer that there is no age for learning and a person keeps learning till her/his very end. I think this idea is too simple and cliched. It's better, maybe, to leave it out. Your essay is so enthusiastic and focused already... I don't want to let it be watered down with a simplistic, common idea like this one.

I am aware of my skills and strengths, my capability of developing new skills by learning, and, my limitations. The knowledge and experience I possess would be pertinent to the study of communication, coupled with my hunger and passion for learning and willingness to take up any challenge. This stuff does not really say anything. It's what you might call "fluff." I like all the concrete, specific ideas you express in this essay, but this part is just general philosophizing. I think it would be better to replace it with some sentences about specific, short term goals you want to achieve.

I am positive certain that this program will...---Just an idea.

This is very impressive! I think you are going to do very well in the field of marketing, because you communicate with clarity and enthusiasm.

Undergraduate / Eating Guinea Pigs-Penn Optional [3]

This is excellent writing. I hope the AO reader is not a guinea pig lover who will feel prejudiced against you! Even in that case, though, thje eloquence of the writing and the interestingness of the topic are undeniable.

I don't have any negative feedback; you definitely have a talent for writing. And I like what you said at the end about open-mindedness that can lead to appreciation. Can you add a sentence at the end that tells what this insight about appreciation has to do with the program of study you have chosen? It's always good to keep reminding the reader of your focus on achieving particular goals by completing the program into which you're trying to get accepted. :-)

Great job!

Book Reports / Paper about Drew Barrymore and hectic life [3]

You can put the word "crazy" in " " marks to show that it is the word to which you're referring in the sentence.

Use a hyphen: 36 year-old

...and willingness to try something new like directing are some of the qualities that influence Barrymore to become talented.---willingness to try is a quality. Trying is not a quality.

Separate the dependent clause with commas:
Drew's great-grandfather, Maurice, and his wife, Georgiana, were famous

Drew's mother was surprised by Drew's sincerely Drew's sincere response and...

decided to let Drew her give acting a try.

Drew's mom would constantly help Drew her find scripts to read in order to audition for movies, and whereever Drew went, the mom stuck by her side and was with her along the way.

Trying to get over a fear is a hard thing to overcome task.

Since Barrymore's early acting career was a huge hit, she has begun to explore...

In 2006, Barrymore decides decided to give singing another...

For Drew to become a good director and a good boss for her production company, she spends it was necessary for her to spend most of her ...

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Large paratubal cysts' - Significant challenge UBC Supplemental [3]

However, it was not until my penultimate year of high school that I truly realized the root of the expression , "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration"...

This is a very strong essay. It will be great if you can capture the main idea of your essay in a single sentence, a short sentence, and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph. That is like sharpening your sword. If you can express the main idea of the essay in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph you will leave a strong impression on the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon Transfer Supplement: "Like Warren Buffett" [3]


This part sounds a little like a brochure, but the rest of the essay is very impressive. I love the specificity and the self-analysis, the examples... everything is great.This sentence above, though, does not really have much meaning, because it says something that could be said about any school.

I also think you spend too many sentences talking about cultural diversity. You should condense that to one sentence, and include it in a paragraph about something more meaningful, perhaps a specific goal you would like to achieve in international business. It is too common and cliched to discuss cultural diversity on a college campus.

Identify one central theme, one message that is important to you. What is the concept that you stand for? Add that concept to the first and especially tot he last paragraph. I guess it involves ambitions toward philanthropy, which is an excellent theme. So infuse the last para with that central theme that you want the reader to remember. Right now the last paragraph seems a little empty.

Undergraduate / My passion in politics - Common App essay [3]

I'll change the verb tense here:
Before that, I was had been a typical...

student in Cambodia whose life was very much predictable. Almost everything had been clearly
It was a door! And as I opened this door, I was introduced into a world of possibilities, beyond the iodoform smell in the hospital, the stethoscope and the queue of patients waiting for their turns. ---wow, very impressive writing here...

... as a part of two seemingly different worlds.

Capitalize:
Charles De Gaulle once said, 'Politics are...

:-)

Graduate / 'a policy think tank' - SOP Msc Economics, your academic interests [5]

It would be clichéd to say that I want to work in the field of development economics, only because I have lived my entire life in a developing country and have since been exposed to the dynamics of a booming economy.---I made some small changes here.

I would rather say that the desire to work in this field is in continuation with my work experiences as intern and the understanding that I have developed about the micro-level economy and its importance in development. ----hmmm... I think you can say something even more concrete.. something about what you actually intend to do. Learning econ is a means to achieve a goal, so what is your goal? Maybe you will have many goals throughout your professional life, but you can focus on one goal that inspires you right now. Just like a candidate running for office, you have to tell the people about a clear, well-devised plan that you are ready to carry out.

It was my internship with Mansha Manav Kalyan Samastha, an NGO, that...---IO added a comma.

...can take advantage of its expertise in microeconomic policy with research centres such as Evaluation of Development Policy and Microeconomic Analysis of Public Policy.----Again here, it is great that you mention these examples, but when you take advantage of them it will be for the purpose of achieving that goal you are going to share with the reader.

In future I want to work either with a policy think tank in my aforementioned field of interest or pursue a career as an economist in private or public institutions or in an international organisation such as UNDP, World Bank, etc for a year or two and then to pursue PhD in economics to further my career in academic and research.---This is very clear, and it shows that you are already looking to the future, but there is one final element to add to this part of the discussion. It is that same goal that I have been talking about. You may want to get involved in these organizations, or public or private institutions, etc., but you must have a reason for wanting to be involved in them. Why is econ a more attractive field than education, politics, or something else? it must be better for you because of your own personal life philosophy and the values you care about the most. So what message will your career send, and what is really the goal?

This is already very good; I am just challenging you to take it to the next level by capturing your philosophy and intention... by capturing what you stand for, and sharing it with the reader.

Very impressive examples, here... like this, excellent: My friends and I have been successful in coming out with an independent newsletter 'Aakaar' and spreading its circulation to five colleges in the city.

Undergraduate / (character in fiction, figure) Common App - "Chaconne" [7]

Let's keep the verb tense consistent:
There were two issues...

And I'll add a comma to separate the 2 halve of the compound sentence:
... with this scene: a teenager's room is never clean, and midterms were not for another three months.

This should be STRIVNG
... from science to tutoring, striving to be...

Very eloquent stuff, here: Undoubtedly, I owe my academic and extracurricular achievements to the works of composers long gone.

Maybe this can be simplified: When I am older (i.e. in my geriatric years, I will still marvel...

This is very well written. I think the reader will appreciate the enthusiasm and eloquence, and they'll probably respond favorably to it. Real inspiration is a tricky thing to capture, as you mentioned here, so it is impressive when a piece of writing reflects real inspiration. : )

Scholarship / UNCF Scholarship : an internship with United Water [3]

I have several reasons why I am the most qualified applicant to be chosen for an internship with United Water. There is no way to support an argument that you are the most qualified candidate. You do not know the other candidates. Also, this sentence is a boring way to begin the essay. I think you should replace it with a sentence that will express a unique idea, one that may be intriguing to the reader.

... given me a multitude of wisdom on---No, use the word multitude with a countable noun. Wisdom is not a countable noun. You can replace multitude with "reservoir" or "wealth"...

I hope to become an executive so I can improve how a company is run and introduce new innovative ideas. ---Wel, okay, but what philosophy guides you? What unique ideas might you introduce? You do not have to be ready yet to contribute ideas at an executive level, but if you want to aspire to make a contribution like this you should go a step further and express some ideas or a moral/business philosophy that guides you.

...field and given me a better understand on what it takes for HR operations to run adequately --- You left out the period here.

My interest in the community is very important to me; I have participated in various activities strengthening those around displaying my leadership skills. ---This sentence should be revised, but I think you do not need a suggestion about how to do it, because you write very well. The problem is with "strengthening those around..." Maybe the word "around" should be changed to "pertaining to..."

My ability, skill, character and academic achieve I believe warrants warrant me an internship with such a reputable...

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Nepal's realities' - admission in mph Global health (international health) [3]

how proper medical treatment could miraculously save a person's life out of impending danger and this experience was defining.--- I think you can modify this sentence so that it says something closer to what you actually mean. Of course proper medical treatment can save lives, but you are saying something about actually witnessing it and seeing it as reality instead of as merely a concept.

I counseled them on issues like family planning, contraception, immunization, and nutrition. I assisted in the execution of National Health and Vaccination Programs. I was introduced to the methods of statistical analysis while----- this is all very good. : -)

This part needs to be cleaned up:
Later I joined infectious and tropical diseases government hospital in Kathmandu on contract, and this facility is also known as a preventive and social medicine hospital. Here, I got a chance to deal with Hiv/Aids patients, tropical diseases and other infectious diseases which ...

After certain months of worked work experience I joined the Nepal Army Medical hospital known as...

You have an incomplete sentence here! ---> ...the BU's School of Management. Thus, the

I like the word "enable" for this sentence:
...health manger in that it will enable me to incorporate ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement Essays - "Let your life speak" and "The world within" [3]


I guess i think this needs to be developed a little more. It's just a discussion of diversity; it's too simple and common. Instead of just discussing diversity in general, can you show how your unique plan for the future is impacted by diversity and international awareness? It's important to show the reader what is unique about you. Many people can rightly say they have experienced cultural diversity, but I think you can probably say something a little more.

the new "e-learning" movement, it seems as if everywhere you look there's the iconic apple symbol.

Writing Feedback / Self-Improvement Philosophical Essay on Happiness and Meaning - feedback [2]

This is a great discussion, very clever. I think it could be a lot better if it included some citations of professional journals or books by authorities in relevant fields. If you keep it like like this it is a good critical thinking piece, but it could be stronger.

Even our discomforts.--- I think this should be revised so that it is a complete sentence.

Use "and" ---- Let's say we have attained a certain level of knowledge, and let's say...032.+.


I guess I think it is arbitrary to mention how we get to this stage. This sentence is the internal thought process that leads up to the discussion, but maybe it does not need to be part of the discussion.

To improve this, add some references to the findings of studies or quotes by respected authorities, and also check each response to see if there is one sentence that sums up your reply. That helps a lot... a single sentence that tells the reader in a poignant way your answer to the question. :-)

Undergraduate / 'Bulgarian or German' - CommonApp diversity [7]



These ideas express such a great theme, but still I think you need to have a PLAN to go with it. Show the reader that you are already trying to establish a plan for making a big difference with regard to these stereotypes. How do your fields of interest involve these stereotypes, and what will your expertise do to empower you to make a change? It is great if you can show how the program you want to study will get you ready to begin doing what is important to you right away. What specific steps can you take during college and then after college? Tell the reader about short and long term goals, and they will feel inspired by you.

Undergraduate / 'immigrant parents from India' - William and Mary Personal Statement [4]


This first paragraph is intriguing, but I still feel like something is missing. It shows this international minded attitude, but it does not express the idea the reader needs to know about what you intend to do with the empowerment you will receive in this program. Is it really better for you than similar programs, and if so, how?


This is such a great theme,, but I challenge you to make it a little more. I think it's not enough. I hope you'll take it a step further and come up with a way to express what you will actually do to contribute to your professional field or community, etc. :-)

Undergraduate / Purdue Essay - Aeronautical Engineering [8]


This creates a nice mood, but I think you should add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a sentence that expresses one excellent idea that will linger in the reader's mind. The reader can only remember one main idea about you, so what will it be? I think you need to capture it in a sentence and express it at the end of the first paragraph.

I consider myself a quick and comprehensive learner, able to absorb the most complex ideas and apply them with ease; I was able to erect a functional computer from scratch with little practical experience, relying only on my theoretical knowledge. ---- show, don't tell. I think you could give two examples and omit the assertion. Do you know what I mean? There is no need to waste a whole sentence on an assertion of potential. It is better to spend a few words to express what really inspires you; whjat within your chosen field specifically is of interest to you and perhaps will become your specialization? The reader wants to know the real person, the unique person.

Academically, Physics and Mathematics are two of my most ... structures such as aeroplanes and space crafts. Any field of study is bound to include Mathematics or Physics at some point. --- This paragraph is thoughtful, but it is too obvious. I want to see this paragraph revised to say something about your unique plan, your unique set of goals and deadlines. It is important for you to have set up goals for the next few years and also for the first few years after graduation. You do not have to stick to this plan; you can change it. But show the reader that you really have one. : )

Undergraduate / 'Time spent in towers' Short Answer for the Common APP (UNDERGRAD Arch) [4]

Having taken...

... an internship that put me well out of my comfort zone, I have benefited in many ways. ----I made some small changes here...

Keep the verb tense the same throughout the sentence, if possible:
...love being able to look at the skyline and feel like I have a role, no matter how small, in its creation.

... or my definition of success in life. ---I want to know what that definition is. Use one more sentence if possible, and express your idea about what would comprise success for you. It's important to dig deep and think about what has been important to you and what is becoming important to you now. Also, be pragmatic and think about your unique talents. Really give the reader something to think about. : )

Letters / Doctoral Program in Business Administration- General Cover letter for PhD application [2]


I think the first paragraph is incomplete. In addition to stating your intention, you should give a sentence that expressed the main idea of the essay. The essay needs to have one unique idea, a theme that distinguishes it from the rest. This is not easy if you have not put enough thought into your plan for the future, but anyone who develops their plan will have a theme that is very unique, because you'll have a niche plan, a detailed plan, that reflects your unique interests and talents.

The whole essay does nothing but mention the experience that is already evident in your resume or transcript. The essay is not unique enough. In addition to this experience, you need a detailed plan, a specific plan. Think about what you want to do, and tell the reader why this program is better for you than other, similar programs. You should dig deep and really appeal to the reader on a personal level. Think about how you would talk to your mom or your friend about the school. What really makes this school best? Be a little personal, and you'll win the reader's heart.

Undergraduate / 'intellectual and fun place' - Why Tufts? [4]


Tufts seem to be a place which is intellectual and at the same time fun, even Tuft's traditions, like the daily cannon, show creativity.---Watch the capitalization. I corrected a few other errors here, too.

I think "intellectual and also fun" probably described college in general... any college should be these things. It's probably important to dig a little deeper and decide what characteristics your ideal school should have based on your SPECIFIC plans for the future.

Try to think of why one intellectual, fun school might be better than another for someone with your specific aspirations. What does Tufts have that other intellectual, fun schools may not have?

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal Essay Regarding the importance of Speech Pathology in our increasing society [5]

I would kill this sentence: Beginning as infants, we all grow and develop to form sounds with our mouths to form words.
It's weighing that intro down. Too obvious and simple, and the simplicity detracts from the point you are making about the meaningfulness of communication.

Let's always trim away the excess:
My interest in obtaining a degree in Communications Disorders started with a...

The rest of this is solid... very good stuff. I think this essay has that emotional appeal that wins people over. It's so great that you have a vision for the future. :-)

Well, right here we can make a change:
...this will potentially leave result in a grim future for the health of our loved ones.

Undergraduate / 'the intricateness of computer hardware' - Why Carnegie Essay [3]

The first paragraph is not meaningful. It's just sending some happy sunshine at them and stating your chosen field of study. I think you can change that para so that it expresses a concept that is as unique as your own vision of the future. Right now, that paragraph is "fluff."

Ever since middle school, I have been ..---- great writing in this paragraph, but it's such a typical thing to say "I have always been..."

I think this paragraph should be shortened so that it includes only the best sentences...

...to try to figure out how to reduce the size of the modern computer in order for convenience, all the while increasing the power. ---This is not a very interesting goal, because people, as you said, have been doing it for years.

Last but definitely not least, fluff

Carnegie Mellon has a diverse student body---cliche!

Sorry, this post seems more critical than it really is. You obviously are a great language engineer, very good writing. They'll be impressed with the writing, but I think you can come up with a more meaningful aspiration than big things in small packages. You can make a plan right now, in this moment of inspiration, and it might be a great breakthrough.

Undergraduate / Essay about my motivation- (topic of choice) [3]

Excellent stuff here, it's hard to find room to criticize. but I want to suggest that you sharpen your sword a little. Sharpen the focus. Medicine is not your passion; a particular philosophy pf medicine is your passion, and that philosophy compels you to learn particular modalities and techniques, etc.

Also, at the end you dropped a big cliche. Too many people say they want to open a free clinic, etc... it is a goal someone might have if they have not put enough thought into their plan. If you can add some details, set some goals and deadlines, and show that you are already reading the professional books and articles that medical professionals read... that is impressive. Develop your plan for the future and express it. : )

Undergraduate / 'the Flight Manual was learned' - Commonapp the risk you have taken [3]

... the Flight Manual was learned word for word. ---this is the "passive voice." It does not sound as powerful as the active voice:

I had learned the flight manual word-for-word.

In general, I had a very strong training, but the fears fear did not leave me.---I just like it more this way, so I suggested it. : )

Less is always more in writing. If you can express the same idea in fewer words, do it. In fact, we can even apply this principle to a single letter:

I was not confident in my abilities ability, but I strongly decided to tackle this ...---fewer words and letters burden the reader with fewer codes to descramble, and more of the reader's present-moment attention is left for the EXPERIENCE you are providing.

Suggestion: Try to condense this essay so that it takes up only 50% of the space it now takes. All the way through, I know it is a common type of essay, a story about overcoming fear. If I got to make the decision, I would want you to condense it and add a new dimension. Condense it to 50% of the words, and you will have room to actually use this insight as a jumping-off point for a discussion of your plan for the future, for your time in this school, and for the way you will use this insight about fear when you make your big splash in this world.