Undergraduate / UC Gaining study skills for success [2]

I had not known about or developed the study skills that I needed for the college success.

One of my proudest accomplishments has been learning to develop the...

Good writing, interesting, and I could not find much to change.

:)

Letters / " extraordinary young man" ;recommendation letter by homeroom teacher [2]

Several times , his language teachers celebrated his essays and stories as the best in the class.

He does not believe that a students' background, or culture should prevent them from becoming friends.

XXX tries very hard to bring his classmates from all over the world together as a group.

Wonderful letter of recommendation, and he's very lucky to have had such a caring teacher.
:)

Undergraduate / Prompt #1 [transfer] different majors for 2 different schools only 1 prompt [2]

my interest is more directed toward how individual behavior is affected by its influence.

I do so with the purpose of gaining insight into the creative natures of people outside the scope of my own culture.

Wow, you are a great writer.
:)

Undergraduate / Self-Reliance Common App Essay; team leader for Safe Rides [2]

Quickly, I learned that reading Self-Reliance itself, would not and did not change me.

To be self-reliant meant that first I had to accept what was out of my control.

In becoming self-reliant, I finally feel as if I have some control of the navigation of my life. My internalized beliefs have come out in my actions.

I think you might only need a couple more sentences at the end, telling how relying on yourself, and following your heart have helped you in some other area (s).

:)

Undergraduate / Three essays, choose the one you like best to edit! "Person You Are" [5]

Wow, these are all great. I liked the second one best...you had me from the word 'crap'. It was funny and touching, and made you seem like a very real and likable person.

Good writing!

:)

Writing Feedback / how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented [3]

I admire her very much, and hope to be as great a talent as she is .

...me complete my experiments or projects to great satisfaction.

In the future, I hope to be engaged in chemical studies, and apply the achievements to construction engineering.

My former teacher mentioned its Engineering Department on more than one occasion . The experienced faculty and excellent facilities there are what I am longing for. Moreover, an impressive number of graduates from University of Washington achieve great success in their respective fields.

Good ending!

:)

Undergraduate / Smile and the World Smiles With You ut a essay [2]

In the first paragraph, the name Stacey was used five times. I think you should change three of them to 'she' or 'her' to avoid repetitiveness.

I kept trying to figure out how she could affect someone in such a way as to cause their mood to do a complete one eighty.

Although the guests were angry with what was going on, Tracey's attitude was able to diffuse their anger.

Great ending paragraph!

:)

Undergraduate / UC #1: Caring for my grandparents [2]

She taught me morals at a young age.

As other teenagers spent their Friday nights at the movies,...

Very nice ending.

:)

Scholarship / Extracurricular Activity Essay for CommApp- Scholars' Bowl [2]

"Let's get this question", I thought.

My team's stoic attitude was immediately replaced by pure exultation, and I was immediately recognized asas having the most epic buzz in quiz bowl history.

In the last paragraph, you mention the 'secret of luck' and left out any mention of studying, was that on purpose? :)

Writing Feedback / This is an description essay about my bedroom [3]

The computer is known as a programmable machine.

First, the computer:

I command the function keys to contact the central processing unit to perform a demand, ...

Second, The Duct Grill, I have a 1930s duct grill inside my wall to heat my room, but it is not in use .

In fact, I found a photograph ...

In short, the room was designed to develop character by gripping ...

:)

Dissertations / Lit. Review & Objectives - questions [3]

1) Hi, if you are doing a lit review for a particular class, the class probably has some submission guidelines that go with it. However, the idea of a lit review is to 1.) show the state of modern understanding with regard to the topic, 2.) show where your particular study fits in, and how it will make a unique contribution, and 3.) show that important things have been written about it... that it is an important subject.

So, you get to ENJOY writing the literature review... Explain the studies that have already been done, and how they relate to your own meaningful topic.

As for worrying about plagiarism, you can feel pretty confident that if you write it yourself it will be unique. If you want, do a google search for a few sentences of it to see if it comes up in a search. Put the sentences in quotation marks.

2) How is this study going to improve our understanding? How is it going to improve our understanding of children's literature? Answer that question, and that is why. How will it IMPROVE OUR PRACTICE?

3) Do a google search, also use Google Scholar.

Faq, Help / EF categories - where to post my work? [8]

Hi, please check out our terms of service.

And as for your 20 page paper, you can post it right into the appropriate forum, Graduate Coursework. The moderators will not be able to edit the whole thing, but other members will help, too.

You can get other students to help by clicking on "unanswered" and giving feedback, and then asking that person to check out your post. Additionally, we will spend some time with your 20 page paper -- we just cannot edit the whole thing because of time constraints.

thanks!!!

Kevin

Research Papers / qualitative and quantitative methods - Need help on a thesis statement [2]

The purpose of this research project is to explore the ways in which fear of terrorism has changed the way college students think of airline travel. The researcher will use qualitative methods, because she is interested in learning about the subjective opinions of the people involved.

The above is just something I cam up with to help you. Qualitative research is focused on understanding people's opinions and views, whereas quantitative research deals with numbers, quantities... and produces statistics. Qualitative is more fun. That is just my opinion.

Use the format above to get started.

Choose a thesis statement that can be tested. In qualitative work, sometimes the thesis can take the form of a question. Try googling "qualitative" and "sample" together to find a qualitative study to read.

Writing Feedback / Haitian immigrants and their choice to struggle for better life-essay check [2]

The lives of immigrants are very difficult and filled with many hardships.

In "Brother I`m Dying" Edwidge Danticat shows the sacrifices made by the first generation of immigrants and their struggle for a better future for their children.

keep their love between long distance calls and hand-written letters.

...learning to look forward even after even worst things have happened.

Therefore immigration is the choice of many people and most of the time is the right choice.

Children of immigrants are often left in the care of grandparents and other relatives.

As an immigrant feelings of homesickness and homelessness never leave me.

Her great memoir is keeping them alive. Although immigration is not only difficult and hard at times,it`s a big step for future second generation immigrants.

:)

Undergraduate / "to America from Ethiopia" - uc prompt #1 [2]

was propelled by my mother's willingness to patiently answer all my questions.

I am not a five year old anymore, and I understand that helping people is more than "cool". Part of being a doctor is the ability to provide service and support to those who need it and to help them understand themselves.Part of that is receiving the satisfaction of helping someone, and the other part of that is the intellectual stimulus of science.

Didn't know what prompt 1 was, so just made a few adjustments.

:)

Essays / Essay about Superstition, how to start it? [5]

I would start by throwing some salt over my left shoulder and circling my desk three times! Just kidding...
I think you should start by listing some odd superstitions from around the world, and reasons why they might have developed. This can be a fun and interesting essay! You could ask people you know to describe any superstitions they or older relatives have. My grandmother was very superstitious, she would not have any picture depicting birds in her house, got upset when people she loved wore pearls, ("pearls are for tears", she said)

have fun and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / Research Paper (Argument)-Reflections of Society in Children's Literature [2]

I thought the opening paragraph was fine, and your intention clearly stated in the last sentence.

Though still not equal, the perception of women's roles today appears less stereotypical than in the past.

Children's literature reflects the times ...this sentence was started with the word 'furthermore' and I took it out because it was used a couple other times, and seemed repetitive.

For the most part, alternative family units were greatly opposed by past societies.

Good subject and nicely written. (And I agree with you!)

:)

Writing Feedback / US Space Project - English CLEP essay (space exploration!) [2]

Space exploration has made information available to us that previously unimaginable.

Issues like hunger, disease, global warming ...

...to be of higher priority than space exploration.

Also, we have refugees in terror infested countries...

...should be cut down to a minimum and use our resources for salvation of earth first.

Good points, I agree with you!

:)

Writing Feedback / Passion for a subject or cause? UD Essay Help [2]

Over the past sixteen years of doctor visits, ...

I was too young to understand why Sam was always sick and going to the hospital.

...my dream of pursuing a profession in the medical field ...

I believe my passion of becoming a physical therapist is an obtainable goal.

without the assistance of anyone or any thing.

Cool ending!

:)

Writing Feedback / Datong District, the oldest district of Taipei City, is my hometown. [3]

In addition, there are a wide variety of programs offered by community colleges , such as second languages, sports, art and so on. However, those colleges are far from our community, so it is not convenient for us to take classes there.

Senior citizens may find themselves living a more enjoyable and fulfilling life in school and also make new friends. Community colleges provide retirees a place to start a new life.

Compared with most private schools, ...

For instance, some of them may take English courses for preparing an official English test;..

For the above reasons, I strongly believe that establishing a community college would be of great benefit to my hometown.

Writing Feedback / 'Budget cuts' - the leading problem facing our eduactional system today? [2]

Budget cuts have been the leading problem facing our educational system today. When the state of California announced a four billion dollar budget cut, many Californians have raised questions about this measure. Budget cuts in education will mean less funding for students in classrooms, the classrooms will have a bigger student population and the school maintenance will have less spending.

Budget cuts in education in California will not benefit the students.

In the final analysis, budget cuts in education will bring disaster to the students.

If California wants to succeed, the public school system must be a priority and the only way this can be accomplished, is proper funding for public schools.

:)

Writing Feedback / MONOPOLY VS. PERFECT COMPETITION (research paper feedback) [3]

Hello, it looks like this is done in a citation style that is a cross between APA and MLA. In APA, you use the author-date system, like here:

Having the ability to decide price is the "distinction which differentiates perfectly competitive markets from imperfectly competitive ones." (Kreps, 1990, p. 265).

Above, I added a comma after Kreps in the parenthetical reference.

In MLA, no date is necessary in the in-text citation. No comma is necessary either, so it looks like this:

As W. Nicholson defines it, a "monopoly is a single supplier to a market [and it] may choose to produce at any point on the market demand curve" (Nicholson 495).

and this:

This idea derives from Adam Smith when he defined a perfectly competitive market as "one in which there is no impediment to free contracting and free entry and exit of productive resources" (Smith 126).

In MLA, the reference list is called Works Cited, whereas in APA it is called References. You called yours Works Cited, so I am guessing that you are using MLA.

I will correct your Works Cited list for correct MLA--

Kreps, D.M.. A Course in Microeconomic Theory. New York: Harvester Wheatsheaf, 1990.

Nicholson, W. Microeconomic Theory: Basic Principles and Extensions. 9th. United States: South-Western College Publishers, 2006.

Smith, Adam. The Wealth of Nations. Bantam Classics. New York: Bantam Publishing, 2003.

ACTUALLY, I did not change anything, except they do not have to be numbered. I think you should google "mla style guide" and look at the rules. Your essay is excellent, though, and unless your teacher is a stickler for MLA, you should have nothing to worry about. Good Luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Angela did not like the school very much' - Homeschool supplement [2]

I understand that homeschooling is a very special way of learning and I know this is the method for her for numerous reasons.

She said that every day at school, while she can understand and finish the lessons much faster than her classmates , the teacher is not willing to utilize the rest of her time teaching her something new because they can only teach at a rate in which the whole class can understand.

The teachers also opposed her when she wanted to progress in her Arabic studies from grade one to grade seven.

In China, where the law requires her father to pay enough for her RMB for her daily needs is merely enough for her life in the UAE; and as a single mother, I was not able to earn enough money to send her to this (one of the most expensive) school.

With a limited amount of resources , ...

...she is the one responsible for corrections...

Questions that required an explanatory answer, I would not be able to correct...

Great essay, and she is lucky to have such a caring and involved mother!

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay~"I could not swim competitively ever again?" [2]

The unbearable experience of swimming that race has had a profound effect on me.

Not only did I bestow a "gift" upon my mother, ...

...rather, all one has to do is believe, and then the seemingly impossible can be accomplished.

Good subject and an enjoyable read. I don't think it's too long, but better too long than too short!

:)

Undergraduate / 'taking up challenges' - NYIT essay on career goal. [3]

I need to do more than just imagine what my future can become.

I realized that I needed to work hard in school in order for this dream to become a reality.

I needed something else.

The passion to achieve my goals is driving force that will make my ambition come true:...

NYIT can be the motivator that will bring me to great heights.

I hope to experience all my achievements and obstacles with the guidance of NYIT.

...bring me to realize my aspirations for the future.

:)

Undergraduate / "Is that shadow mine?" UC #2... [3]

Brilliant essay, I found no real errors. I am happy to be able to help a little, here:

"You can't beat those girls, they're faster than you," my mother told me before a race.

For so long, I tried finding the reasons behind many of my defeats.

Nice job!!!

Undergraduate / "A Conflict of Nations" - UC Prompt 2. Need help revise!! [3]

Thanks Neva, for the excellent revisions. You made my job easy!

WKLUI, I think you should use these recommendations from Neva, and also comine the last two paragraphs into one:

The following day, I presented the project to my teacher with awe. By explaining each slide and describing the events happened to my teacher, he was amazed. After my presentation, he saved our project onto his computer and used it for his future lectures. With this experience, I became more social and interested in becoming the leader. Being a leader has given me the potential of managing difficulties and organizing the materials. With our careful planning and time devoted to this project, it became an overall success for everyone.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 [Transfer] "Untitled" Major: Linguistics [3]

It was not until I entered adulthood that I realized just how well my father had prepared me for the outside world.

I think Walt Whitman best summed it up best when he said, "Language is not an abstract construction of the learned, or of dictionary-makers, but is something arising out of the work, needs, ties, joys, affections, tastes, of long generations of humanity, and has its bases broad and low, close to the ground." How else could I satisfy my obsession with pragmatism, semantics, and human relationships, other than to delve deeper into the world of Linguistics?

You are a great writer. I suggest that you look into neuro-linguistics, and find out about Grinder and Bandler, the inventors of neuro-linguistic programming. You might be surprised at the great career that you can pursue with NLP. :)

Undergraduate / Elaborate on Extra Curricular Activity: "Ace Mentor Program" [4]

Awesome, the admissions people could not ask for more. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Buddism, Christianinty - UC prompt #2 [4]

Yes, you write without errors!

Here is something I can improve:

The decision to get baptized was a difficult one, but I agreed to receive it. I discovered that it was time for me to think for myself, and to accept what God is giving me. After receiving my baptism, I felt a great sense of joy. After having the opportunity to get baptized, I went on to Bible study and receiving my confirmation. Each time I attended Bible study was another chance for me to strengthen my faith and to make the most of this gift.

Undergraduate / Three essays, choose the one you like best to edit! "Person You Are" [5]

I wanted to add, actually, that for an admissions essay, it really is probably best not to say crap. I like it, but it doesn't matter what I like!!

Undergraduate / A world where I would not have anything to worry about - UC prompt 1 [3]

I have always lived in a world where I had nothing to worry about. When I heard that our family has to move to America, everything suddenly changed. All the worries I never had before started to appear in my head, "How are kids in America?" and, "What do they teach in school?" At that time, I did not even think about the language barrier between me and the people in America at all--not until later.

The moment I set foot in America, it felt like a whole different world from where I was living in. Everything beside me seems to be so strange, from houses to people. I never thought that it was going to be this different . Everything seemed to have changed but for my family, who still care for me like usually no matter where we go.

At the beginning, it was not easy for me to acclimate to a new environment at school. I did not know anyone at school and especially I did not know a single bit of English. I am also a bit shy, so that made me even harder to lend in. It was my mother, she seen through everything about me, she knew that this would happen and give me courage to take the next step.

:) Your writing is very clear; you just need to keep practicing!

Undergraduate / My brother had his own life to deal with; UT : Person's impact on life [3]

When children grow to a certain age, they usually tend to rail on their parents for not 'understanding' them, and I was no different.

Though he might have held some ill will toward my brother and I for taking his father away, the man fondly took care of us like an older brother.

It is best to avoid contractions and write the two words separately...

This is not too talkative.. they asked you to talk about a person. You did well!!

Undergraduate / "Without opponents, I might fall asleep" - ut essay TOPIC A [5]

We live in a world of contradictions, and eventually we will meet some significant people who could have impacts on our lives.

I was not favored by one of my aunties; to be honest, she was quite pretty but a bit conceited. She prefers kids that are sociable and good-looking; obviously I was not lovable to her. Another reason she hates me is because her daughter attended the same school I went to, and I'm always a top student in my class, whereas her daughter had a hard time with even passing the classes.

Not too many mistakes...

Without enemies, I would probably never find out how capable I can be.

Nice job!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: How Culture has Shaped my Dreams? [3]

You do address the prompt well! To improve it, go a step further by explaining that the high standards with which you were raised inspire you to seek a particular program at the U of Cal... or even the guidance of a particular faculty member.

Writing Feedback / 'I am easy to communicate' - University Of XXX - essay [4]

This first sentence confuses me. Maybe it should be like this:

As one of the alumni of the University of XXX said, "Put much emphasis on students' self-development." As a young person of individuality, I dream to follow a degree program in this prestigious university.

I reorganized the paragraphs, below:

I am easy to communicate with and ready to bring about new ideas. For example, in the Fight Hunger, a charity walk organized by World Food Organization, I suggested adding a donation program in the walk and leading the program by cooperation with others. In the end, we submitted all the donated money to World Food Organization. As a member of Red Cross of China, I participated in numerous charity activities, such as cleaning the streets, visiting old people in nursing home, children in orphanage and people in underdeveloped areas.

I have many hobbies, among which I think French horn is quite unique . As the representative of Chinese symphony orchestra and chairman of brass band department, I once participated in the International High School Student Symphony. Our performance was highly acclaimed by the organizer. In my spare time, I organized several wind quartet performances with my schoolmates, and donated all the money to the school Red Cross.

University Of XXX enjoys worldwide fame and boasts large number of international students, so I will exert myself to enrich their extra-curricular activities.

Undergraduate / Frontiers of Flight Museum + math, science - USC short answer questions [4]

Only one error to correct:

I am passionate about math, science, research and discovery, and I also enjoy comparative religion and religious studies.

I think you answered well!!

Undergraduate / New York City is an essential element of academic and cultural life at NYU [3]

Add one more sentence telling about the club you would start. Then, add a sentence about a specific facility at the school that could be helpful. Also, those suggestions made by Angela are good! Thanks Angela, and good luck to you, hallelujah

:)

Undergraduate / Essay on Contribution to hometown (Wesleyan education) [3]

I can learn to adapt changes in the global market while gaining knowledge in many other fields, such as law, sociology, psychology, and so forth. Some elite business leaders like Bill Gates, the legendary billionaire, and Sergey Brin, founder of the Google search engine company and Internet entrepreneur, possessed such great philosophy and creativity that they become greatly influential and exemplary to the youth.

There, I will be able to cultivate my knowledge of business and discover a vibrant campus life. I am looking forward to the opportunity to take the journey toward humanity's most valuable treasure: knowledge.

I hope that helps!!!

:)

Undergraduate / "Saih maht geanguh"- historical influence. [7]

"Saih maht geanguh," would be my childhood hero's infamous catch phrase. I idolized this figure because he was equal parts cunning, brave and immortal, holding the ability to transform into 72 objects, cloud travel and somersault great distances. Born from a rock nourished by the elements of earth he has become one of the most worshiped mischievous gods in Chinese culture. His name is Su WuKong and his catch phrase is translated from Chinese as "Why should I be scared?"

In life, there were many times when I looked up Su WuKong', and tried to emulate his bravery. Being raised in American culture is contrastive to the way my parents where raised in Asian culture. From a young age, my mother taught to be recessive, quite and always let others talk. Unfortunately I realized this method got me nowhere and led me to be an outcast. Ultimately what lead to the transformation of my personality was using Su WuKong's, "Why should I be scared," attitude from then on I became more social and not afraid to let me personality shine.

Most of the changes i made involve the placement of commas. It is great content, and you write very well. What did they ask you to write about in the essay? Did you stick to the instructions for what to write about? I like your approach.