Writing Feedback / TOEFL Topic: Lessons can be learned through playing games [5]

Before I begin the corrections, good ideas and structure. You just need to work on the wording and grammar and you should be well off for the exam

Admittedly, participating in physical activities, people confront unpleasant situations frequently, namely, sustaining body injuries, conflicting with others, deserting their study, etc. (too long, rather) Participating in physical activities can lead to undesired situations like most commonly, getting injured. However, participating in such activities can act as an indispensable instructor in one's life as well. They help people to learn good aspects of life, like spirit of team-work, persistence through hard work and the courage of taking on challenges. These merits play important roles in our life, and therefore I agree with the statement.

Some parts stand out to me more because it feels like you are trying to put in one or two smart-sounding words and it doesn't go with the flow of the rest of the sentence. Just remember that its better to sound natural and make the sentence flow.

keep practicing writing papers and as someone that took the exam myself, its better to have proper argument and a good flow than to try to sound sophisticated and losing your voice.

good luck

Undergraduate / Having a dinner with three people (dead,fictional, alive) UVA essay [9]

not necessarily grammatical or technical corrections but I don't know about writing so much about who the people are and their background. It should be assumed that those who read the paper knows about the three people you mentioned. I say this because when you wrote about Franklin, you spent too much time (in my opinion) writing about his achievements and backgrounds when you could be using that space to relate it to your reason for having dinner with them. Like you did well with Gates.

Research Papers / Musqueam and UBC Golf Course [3]

its easier if you break down your research paper into seperate parts and use subheadings and the likes especially if the paper is long. Makes the paper reader-friendly.

Citing endnotes and things, depends on whoever is looking at it. Some people like that after a quote or paraphrasing etc put a braket and inside have necessary information which then can be used to find the sources at the end.

Graduate / Law School personal statement (to specialize in immigration law) [4]

just some quick grammatical corrections

Back in Armenia, my father was fought against privatizations of a research laboratory

He was fighting to keep the laboratory public so all of the peoplethat those who worked there would not lose their jobs.

At the time, people who were trying to buy the laboratory started to threaten my father, scared for our safety, we decided to leave our country and seek asylum in America

I can't quite get my brain around this right now but this sentence needs to be changed. Probably
into two separate sentences or have a better conjunction.

My parents and I left my little brother, who was 11 at the time, back home and started our life in America-the American embassy did not let my brother to come along with us.

instead of this kind of structure, it is better to say

My parents and I had to leave my younger brother back home because the American embassy didn't allow him permit into the US, and started our life in America without him

or something like that. the hyphen does not work the way you put it.

and so on. Go over the paper couple of times and try and see if it makes sense or if you can improve it to get the point across in concise and straightforward manner.

Good luck

Student Talk / Mining Engineering Schools in Australia - [8]

Although I lived in Australia for half my life, I don't know much about Graduate mining programs haha I didn't even know they had one!

anyway here is what i found for ya

mining.unsw.edu.au/Whatis/faq.htm#scholarships

UNSW is pretty respectable school in the state so you can't go wrong with it in terms of school wise. However, do more research about scholarships because I don't know if Aussie universities gives that much aid for international students.

If you need other info about Australia let me know.

Good luck

Dissertations / Retail managment research: TESCO as a retail store [2]

Before we begin, just a couple of questions/clarifications

isn't it comparative advantage not competitive? if we are talking about economy here that is
if not then don't worry about it

Also how long is this research paper? It may make a difference in terms of what you can write about and not be able to include etc

When I go about choosing a research topic for a broad area like this, I like to start with a general, still broad question about the topic of choice. Like for this, I would probably go with literally what you've put down, "What measures/factors allow TESCO to gain comparative advantage in the competitive global market?" or something along those lines. Because afterall, you don't always start off a paper like this knowing everything about the company/topic of choice, so you still want to leave some room for change/improvements as you begin your paper.

You would have around 1 page intro describing for the reader 1) what you will be researching about 2) little bit of background if necessary but most importantly 3) WHY it is important. Because if you don't tell them why your paper is important, then whats the point of doing it let alone reading it?

then you want to pick couple of areas you think gives TESCO its comparative advantage. still broad but more specific factors. I don't know much about this so I can't help you content wise but factors like its location (in terms of accessibility, competition and transportation) advertising (if any) consumer image etc. You probably know more about this than I do haha

But basically, fill the body up with different areas you think gives TESCO the comparative advantage and have at least 1 page conclusion bringing it all together. In addition, I like to have a page or two discussing about not only the company's present situation, but the future trends and outlooks.

Anyway sorry about the ramble. Good luck

Scholarship / Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. Your success? [5]

i wouldn't go as far as the worst essay ever written smallick13 and I would be careful with giving people helpful advice.

I see that you mentioned your passion for maths. instead of trying to overreach and say you are good at everything, try and focus on one thing so you can have more time describing the factors you attribute your success to. Try and be more specific with your descriptions.

good luck

Essays / Help finding topics for a 2-3 page discriptive story [4]

2-3 pages for a descriptive story will actually be really short if you get a topic going. So don't panic about the length of the paper yet.

Read other papers on the internet to give you ideas or other novels and movies to get an idea of the genre of the story.

Since its a short story, keep the number of characters to a minimum (1 or 2) and establish settings and stuff pretty quickly so you can get onto the body of the story.

Good luck and post your paper here

Essays / How to start an essay on NGOs and their roles [3]

to start off with, it may be easier to find a real life example about an NGO working with a state at the moment and see what they're doing.

you can look at issues like where is the funding coming from (all private? part government?) and who does what for certain issues they are combating.

is the government providing subsidies for the NGO etc etc

you can start searching with big NGOs like red cross with blood industry, Salvations army for the homeless etc

good luck

Research Papers / Environmental issue research: my ideas about Global Warming? [8]

Yeah there is a lot on the global warming online you can look up information about

and yeah the three paragraphs structure appears to be a solid choice.

First paragraph talk about what you think are the cause of global warming (too much factory, agricultural activities etc)

the current/future effects of the problem (ice melting, unusual climatic changes)

and the changes that needs to be made to solve this problem (public transport etc)

post your draft and we'll be sure to look at it for you

good luck

Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

I can't remember if it was for college essays but I remember an advice about not shortening words. instead of can't write can not and so forth.

but nothing major.
good stuff. good luck

Undergraduate / Human Biology and Community Health, Brown Academic Fields Supplement [2]

firstly I think they count the spaces when they do the character count don't they?

your essay is fine but could use a few adjustments. With a short answer like this, its better to be precise and concise.

contrary to what you are told, adjectives are good but sometimes are not needed. You ain't writing a novel but a short answer on your academic field.

for example

The impetus behind this interest of mine comes from my grandmother, who became paralyzed by an unforeseen cerebral aneurysm, after years of being healthy

can be changed to

Such interest comes from my grandmother, who after years of being healthy, became paralyzed by cerebral aneurysm.

hope it helped. good luck

Undergraduate / What would you choose to do over and what changes would you make? [4]

I came home after the first day of Chinese school crying. A girl told me to close my eyes and then cracked all my knuckles, I had to wake up early on a Saturday and I got writing homework. It was not enjoyable.

I'm not sure if this introduction is very effective. I don't understand why what the girl did caused you to cry. and the connecting sentence after about waking up early doesn't relate to the previous one. You should try breaking them apart and making them more clearer for the reader to get your point across which is that it was not enjoyable.

Things got better after that first day and friendships were made which made the learning experience easier.

With this, it is a contrasting sentence. I would recommend you begin with However, things improved after that and the learning experience was made easier with the newly formed friendships.

But my friends were not enough to keep me interested in attending the school, despite years of classes I was still doing poorly in reading and writing Chinese and my favorite part of Chinese school was the recess before and after class.

This next one could also use some re-structuring.
Unfortunately, new friendships were not enough to keep me interested in the actual school work. Despite years of classes, I was still doing poorly in reading and writing and my favorite part was the recess before and after class, not the class itself.

Just read over it again and try to see if it makes sense to you and try to find better ways of wording it. good luck

Undergraduate / Common App Essay.. Greatest Influence (my dad) [3]

just a suggestion you could make.

The day my dad graduated from the State Police academy, overcoming the adversity of being older than most and living away from home for so long, I realized how much of an amazing person he is. The strength that he displayed going through the months of training and the weeks away from his family really gave me a perspective on the type of man that I wanted to become.

I realized how much amazing my dad was the day he graduated from the State Police academy.
The strength that he displayed overcoming adversities such as going through months of training and living away from his family really gave me a perspective on the type of man that I wanted to become.

The way me and my Dad connect is

The way my dad and I connect is

put that sort of stuff into words.

That is too colloquial. watch out for those. Also, the point of this short essay is to describe what kind of influence he has had on you, so you may want to focus more on that instead of using all your word limits on describing your dad. Remember they are going to accept you by finding out who you are not who your dad is :)

good luck

Writing Feedback / Toefl : professional athletes make too much money? [9]

Just remember, that once you start writing the TOEFL essay in the actual exam, you will have more than enough time (unless you're a slow writer). So once you get your idea down, go over the paper looking for grammer/spelling mistakes becaues it is just as if not, very important in a TOEFL essay.

I know because I did it last year :)

Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]

then take your time and help will come to you

Undergraduate / "Success is a ladder..." - UCF Admissions Essay! [4]

first of all, your thesis/argument is very general here. ad EF_Simone was telling you, the topic itself is overused by thousands of high school seniors each year. You might be better off looking for a specific event or something different that will make you stand out among thousands of college applicants applying to your school this year.

Essays / I'm confused about how to understand an essay question or topic sentence [13]

I am having difficulty understanding what you're asking here.
Could you tell us what essay question you're having problem with?

Topic sentences should be a general one line statement describing what you will be talking about in your paragraph. Your intro would usually contain a thesis covering your whole essay and each paragraph should give examples/support your thesis. Therefore, each topic sentence should give a general idea about what your supporting argument for each paragraph should be.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

i would recommend that you do mention stuff about your character. your studying process is not why you deserve the scholarship but its you.
little showing off shouldnt be a problem because you're pretty much selling yourself for this scholarship. just give it a go and we'll check it for ya

Writing Feedback / The New Great Depression [4]

this "essay" seems overly colloquial and sounds more like a speech. If you're allowed to do this then forget my post but otherwise you would need to formalize your essay a bit.

removing parts such as

First, let's face it.

Let's move on to another issue.

Undergraduate / work hard, find the best in each other, and live with confidence. [6]

@michael i dont think such opening is necessary because if you look at the question at the top it says "Coach Carty inspired people to work hard" therefore i assume the markers will know who Coach Carty was.

"Hard work pays off" (need quotation marks) is not just a saying, it's the truth.

The great Michael Jordan said this about hard work As the great Michael Jordan said, "I've always believed that if you put in the work, the results will come."

Though feeling exahsted from the track practice, I would still go to the weight room for futher workout.and work on either upper body or lower body strength (I think this description is unncessary)

wouldn't. would not. (always seperate)

. Next year I will be attending Bergen Community College because my parents are unable to afford tuition from Seton Hall which was my first choice school. (Is there a real need to mention the names of the schools and the fact that you cannot afford your first choice?)

Writing Feedback / Critique my current event paper (English Critical Thinking class) [5]

yes you should try and remove some quotes if not at least post the important bits and skip the rest. for example ]"The minerals' abundance is the result of the same extreme condition that have spawned the vents' rarefied life forms. " ... The water then circulates trough the volcanic rock, leaching out minerals. When it re-emerges from the cracks, its temperature drops suddenly from 350 C to 2 C and the minerals are instantly crystallized. "

Its just an example of shortening a quote, im not suggeting you summarise the quote in the exact way i suggested.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

@notoman

that is why we ask you to have your full name written down so when they do find your essay posted here for us to correct, they will know who the essay belongs to. And if someone else copies your essay, you could use this site's date and name system to show that the orignal writer is yourself and not of others.

Book Reports / Opening paragraph - 1984 by George Orwell - Big Brother control [5]

talk about your thoughts and the main argument you are going to talk about throughout the essay. tell the readers your point before you get into the rest of the essay because thats the purpose of the intro.

Writing Feedback / Intro for my essay about army lowing its standards. Sound good so far? [3]

pretty solid. just a small grammer errors

.S. invaded Iraq, the army has been

The Army hasn't been able to recruit enough soldiers as they need and according to USA Today the army hasn't missed its recruiting quota by this much since the cold war in the year 1979

the ; should not be followed by a capital letter. I think this sentence is better used with an "and" but its just my personal opinion.

It is important for the

Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [5]

in agreeing with what kevin said, and replying to your question of does this seem compelling, you could change the last sentence. it seems too simple and straightforward. nothing wrong with it just could do with some improvements.

i can't think of an example right now but i'll let you know if something comes up lol

Essays / "a defining moment" - Need assistance with writing an Essay (forgot the basics) [14]

if you keep/kept a diary or something now would be a good time to look through it

if not, go to a peaceful place and think about the moments that did define you. whatever memories you have.

some good sources are your family and friends too. ask around.

the number of pages or paragraphs depend on the task itself i guess. If not id go with 1-2 A4 pages of writing.

Undergraduate / My 2nd Admissions Essay for University of Austin, become more independent [3]

I have never met before who is nearly ten years older than I am.

Texas State University down in San Marcos

and whatnot

just my opinion but i think this essay is faaar too conversational and informal

to a some degree and with your topic of choice some leniency could be given but this is more like you talking to your friend than sending an essay to a university.

i have no problem with the topic and your way of spinning things, connecting ideas, however i think this should be more formalized.

Research Papers / Research paper on Commercials on TV (ideas). [12]

the type of ads appearing at certain times could be looked into as well

like how junk food ads are only shown during kids programs for obvious reasons

Essays / Where to Find good literary Criticism [5]

go to your nearest library, they may have a few

Undergraduate / Indicate how you first became interested in SLU [5]

well i don't think you should explicitly say you chose this university because of its ranks. It is pretty much saying - hey i don't know much about you other than your ranking. Thats why i chose it!

Also, study abroad programs? Pretty much every top universities in america offers this. Its nothing special.

In addition, the way you structured your sentences is not very well done sometimes

Upon entering Saint Lawrence University, I intend to major in Economics. Therefore, China is the one

therefore is usually used when you're supporting something for example. But here the use of therefore is not correct at all. How is it so that you intend to major in economics yet somehow China becomes involved with your major of choice?

that I am willing to study my China's economic reforms course at because it has a similar economic trend with my country.

this also has problems. China's economic reforms course is not yours but rather, this sentence should be structured more like, I would like to study economics, specifically relating to china's economic reforms because its trend is similar to that of my own country.

who was nothing new for the Coach of the Year honors

i don't understand this sentence

your essay also needs a conclusion

I know the deadline is approaching etc but this needs a lot of work. Your wording is too informal at times and the ideas of why you choose this university is too weak. Other than the division III soccer and the coach, you have not been specific enough.

But most importantly, I don't think basing your essay, saying straightforwardly that you choose this university because of the rankings is not going to get you anywhere.

Be more personal, really ask yourself why you want to go to this university. And be formal.

At the moment your attitude of "whatever gives me most money" is shown

good luck

Undergraduate / FSU undergraduate essay, writing about the struggles. [3]

sorry what is MMORPG?

the question itself seems like one of those wider open ones than others i've seen. So the way you're trying to go about - the close to something and find more to be done - could refer to beautiy of intellectual pursuits, or moral/physical/intellectual strenghts

as long as the essay is about yourself and your own life story instead of a very general, generic essay.

Post your draft here and I could be of more help

Graduate / Homeless situation - personal statement [10]

if you spin it right
its like a hollywood story - homeless to getting a uni degree and pursuing grad and doing great things

just make sure you don't make it sound like you're whining or expecting some sort of extra credit/help for it, rather make sure you emphasise the challenges that you overcame and the better person you became for it.

good luck

Undergraduate / SUNY or Common App which is better ? [9]

if you have time do as much as possible, write as much essays as possible to show you're that much more interested and desiring of attending that university.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

wow i never thought i'd meet someone who actually believe this

"Don't buy what politicians and other semi-experts tell you about global warming"

then why should we believe what you say, are you THE expert in this? can you really be confident enough and have enough scientifical, actual figures and stats to back your claims or are you so ignorant or naive or just wanting some attention.

i'm not sure what you have seen around here these days but i am pretty sure if you actually LOOK at the stats and numbers, the temperature of the earth itself has been increasing. Sure it goes up and down every x number of years but generally it has been going upwards. i.e. when the temperatures go up for certain years, it doesn't go down as much in others, so after a couple of thousand years, ie. now, its much worse than what it was a long time ago.

who said anything about selling ice from antarctica? even if they decided to, they wouldn't be able to sell anything because the ice would've all melted away by this so called "naturally occuring global warming"

I'm not sure what you've been watching or what world you have been living the past few years. and sure lets ignore all the talk from politicans and semi-experts. Then what about all the increasing number of environmental disasters and changes occuring around the world? I lived in Australia past 8 years and as each year went by, the avg temps increased and the rain became almost non-existent. At the moment in Korea, in the whole month I stayed here, it snowed twice. Thats never happened before in my life time. I used to see and play in the snow every weekend. Now its a miracle if I see any. What about all the increased number of strong tornados and cyclones, the increasing number of uncontrollable bushfires. The likes of flood occurring in an area which hasn't seen rain for couple of decades. Is this all "naturally occurring?" can you really say that you have not done anything to contribute to this? are you that ignorant to say that stop wasting money to save the planet that you are living in at this exact moment?

and what if global warming isnt a big problem as you say. Then why not spend some of your money to use less fossile fuel, save couple more trees and maybe give endangered spieces a chance to survive. The earth is much as ours as it is theirs, why don't you start caring and thinking about others than just yourself? Why can't we help the world for the sake of helping the world?

I realise this is long-winded rambling here but I've always wanted to meet someone like you and so nice to meet you

btw i would love to help you with your essay but i need a clearer question - like the requirements and what you're supposed to focus on so i can help develop your answers that way

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

Linnus - What are the "First World" and the "Third World"?

its a geography term for the i guess advanced countries and less-advanced. USA would be conisdered first, where as North Korea would be third

but i'm not sure about using these terms, didn't they bring up the whole developed and developing countries? you might want to use these instead.

Undergraduate / "What qualities do you feel you would bring to our institution?" [6]

bring out your character and personality that is unique and thus sets you apart from other people. If you are a someone that moderates, i.e. solves peoples problems, expand on that. If you have lived in three different countries and thus have encorporated values from all three, then say you will bring interesting diversity. Some aspect of yourself that makes yourself unique.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

i'm not sure much about these sort of essays but am I right to know that wikipedia is not considered a good academic source? in that case you might have to find other sites/sources

Book Reports / What is an easy book to do a book report on? [15]

what genre?

Essays / Ryerson undergraduate admission essay writing. (reasons, details) [14]

find some sort of a major influence or a incident that led you to choose the major of your choice. Was it someone that you knew? something that happened during school? think carefully about your life and how you decided to major in business management.

for the details and factors relevant... i guess it means talk about any sort of experience you have had in this area? like internships etc

good luck