Posts by ah_zafari [Contributor]

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 10, 2012

Research Papers / 'Diabetes Mellitus' - a research essay on Diabetes? [40]

The subheading would be one of the following terms :

-New scientific findings
-Preventive measurements
-How to stop diabetes
-xxx(a number) ways for preventing diabetes
and the like

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 10, 2012

Research Papers / 'Diabetes Mellitus' - a research essay on Diabetes? [40]

U should choose the same structure for different types of diabetes. What you write for type one should be repeated for type 2, and so on.

beside the things that I told you above, you can add these details: 1) The roots of the type 1 (genetically, and the like), 2) Medication is a good idea as you said, 3) New methods for curing this type, 4) Diet: I am not sure, but may be the diet of people should be changed according to the type of the diabetes. 5) If physical activities are important in this issue you should talk about it . 6) discuss about each type in the US, the country that you are living in .

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 11, 2012

Research Papers / 'Diabetes Mellitus' - a research essay on Diabetes? [40]

The outline looks fins, but I think you should add some statistical information about each type at the body. For example, how many people suffer type 1 in different continents and discuss about the reasons why the patients of the type in a specific place of the world are higher than that in another area.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 11, 2012

Research Papers / 'Diabetes Mellitus' - a research essay on Diabetes? [40]

:))) If you think so, in my view the outline is OK, just one thing has left. U should write it :))) Good luck

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 11, 2012

Research Papers / 'Diabetes Mellitus' - a research essay on Diabetes? [40]

Yes, this would be better. You are living in the US and such information may be interesting for American. Gather some information about different states and try to compare them

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 11, 2012

Research Papers / 'Diabetes Mellitus' - a research essay on Diabetes? [40]

Table is a good idea. You can give a general view about the percentage of patients of each type in the US. But, I think beside this, a line-graph can make your discussion stronger. A line-graph is a good tool for providing such information. U can choose three main states, for instance, and then allocate the x-axes to the name of the states and y-axes to the percentage of different types in each state.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 11, 2012

Research Papers / 'Diabetes Mellitus' - a research essay on Diabetes? [40]

:)))) Is that strange for you that I am here most of the time?? No, I am not. I am here to help other students because this makes me happy, especially helping them in writing an article which is my favourite. In addition, I search in the Internet for various things as I check new threats here. So, I do my personal works beside putting comments on the other people's essays :))))

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 11, 2012

Student Talk / How do you define a good writer or a beginner writer? [7]

I think writing is a complex skill. The definition of a beginner writer can be varied according to the criteria which are considered for evaluating a writer. The expectation about a person who wants to just get a good score in the IELTS or TOEFL tests is totally different from a professional writer. If the criterion be an excellent novelist, we will found us as a beginner in writing as compare ourselves to him/her. Thus, there is no clear definition about the word "beginner".

If you are not a professional writer, u should have the following abilities to view yourself as a good writer:
1) having information about the structures and organization of essays or paragraphs
2) A good information about grammar
3) vocabulary or lexical resource is another factor
4) A little creativity to write an interesting passage
5) The ability to discuss a wide range of topics and convey your message to a reader in an effective way

This is my view toward your question

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 12, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'to travel or work before starting their university study' - ILETS [4]

An introduction should start with a motivator. This introduction is too short. U should draw the attention of a reader by an interesting introduction.

finishing high school and starting university studies

do not copy the topic

n the following I will state

Try to use the passive sentences.

Use your experience for supporting the topic sentences of paragraphs. The essay is just based on your experiences, but the topic asked you about the advantages and disadvantages of the issue in whole. This is an essay not a SOP.

After I finished high school with an excellent grade (is that point necessary?) I decided ~~that I want~~ to work before starting my university study

but I continued for a year before I started my study at the university(it is not essential to repeat this point. Repetition is the worst thing in the world!!!)

try to use plural sentences for preventing the use of "he/she").

U think that the disadvantages of the issue are more than its advantages, but in the essay you mentioned more advantages and the main part of the essay was allocated to advantages. I think u should focus on the disadvantages as a person who thinks the downsides of working for young people before studying at universities outweigh the positive points.

Another thing that I think u should pay attention to, is that the topic asked about "working" and "traveling", but u did not state any thing about traveling throughout the essay and u concentrated just on "working".

I cannot score your work as I am not an examiner. Do not think about the score and just try to improve your writing skills (organization, vocabulary, grammar, etc) and expose yourself to an extensive range of topics.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 12, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'physical qualifications that a female cannot do' - ILET [2]

~~In the~~With regard ofto the number of females toand males accepted in universities, I am ~~with~~in the opinion of~~that~~ accepting ans equal numbers of females and males in every subject. I myself have a personal story in this regard which supports my opinion and reflects how one side can feel the injustice about such bias.

Each paragraph should have a "topic sentence (which consists of a general idea and a main idea)" which reveals the paragraph is going to revolve around what issue. For understanding the paragraphs of your essay, a reader must read all parts of them to get the point.

You should improve the structure and organization of an essay.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 12, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'one year break can be long for young people' - encouraged to work or travel [2]

Taking a gap year off between high school and university has become a popular option among many young people. This time provides a break after many years of formal study. Some people prefer to travel around the world and others would rather work during the a yea

In an introduction u should mention that the essay is going to talk about what. U should add a sentence to show the essay is about the advantages and disadvantages of the issue.

n addition, working in the early life

There is no coherency between this sentence and previous ones. Before this u were talking about the advantages of traveling, u should add a sentence to connect "traveling" to "working". For example, :"Working is another choice that many young people try to experience it before studying a subject at a university." Then talk about the advantages of working. )

plenty

do not repeat this word.

From my point of view, it would influence to youngers adversely and their future if they choose working and traveling instead of studying.

Why? you should support your opinion.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 12, 2012

Writing Feedback / toefl essay: friends for fun or for giving help [2]

cherished than those who just want to stay with me to have fun.

Try to avoid using "First" , "second", at the beginning of each paragraph. It sounds cliche.

who can give you help when you need ithim/her

need help

do not repeat the word "need". U used this word for nine times throughout the essay.

Like, in a school, you are absent one day, and teacher is going to discuss important materials for next test in class. No one really can help you to get that information even parents cannot do this for you

this support is a poor support for getting help from a friend.

Also, the friends who can be with you when you face straitened circumstances are true friends. There is a famous proverb that "a friend is need is a friend indeed."

In the previous paragraph u were talking about the issue that friends can help you as you need them. The third paragraph is also talking about this point and I think it is not different from the second paragraph of the essay. The second part of the body should be about a different idea. For example: "we need friends because of psychological reasons and real friends try to positively influence our mental states" or "Friends can help us to improve our social behavior".

The essay is too long (667 words). You should pay attention to the time limitation.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 12, 2012

Graduate / statement of purpose in petroleum engineering by petroleum engineer [3]

I am planning to further my academic studies and I would like to pursue master degree in P etroleum E ngineering in the US. I have chosen("chose" is also OK, but I think present perfect is better. Choose what u want :)) ) this program because I have a great passion for this discipline and it is related to my background study and to my profession.

The sentence is good.

I wish you luck Fuad

Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 13, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'parents should be aware of the type of children's environment' - ILET [7]

most of the corrections have been done by others, but I would like to add just some suggestions.

Whether the environment or the guanine characteristics that have the huge impact on children developments(Use a synonym for this word because u used this before. I also think that u should mention which kind of developments. Is that the "cognitive development"? I think if u add the word "cognitive", the sentence would be more clear). , parents should be aware of the type of ~~environment~~atmosphere (this word is better in this context) that their children are living in their first six years. Because as long as we can do nothing about the characteristics we were born with, we surly have the power to control the environment that surround our children.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 13, 2012

Essays / Need Help on Essay Topic ( Chinese Revolution / Mao Zedong) [5]

Hi,
If I were u, I would organize the essay as I wrote below:

Introduction :
Start with the history of the revolution. In the introduction mention that the essay is going to talk about what. According to the topic in the introduction u should state that the revolution has affected the political and social issues.

body :
First paragraph: Talk about the different aspects of political changes before and after the revolution. What was the role of Mao and point out the positive and negative facets of the issue.

Second paragraph: Each revolution is followed by some social movements. Talk about them and like the previous paragraph, consider the positive and negative aspects.

Third paragraph: Expand you own idea. U should clearly mention whether the advantages of the revolution outweigh the disadvantages or not. Discussion of this paragraph should be in the basis of the previous parts of the body.

Conclusion:
Reword the topic or the introduction, and then write a clincher.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 13, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'drawbacks of pursuing an inappropriate course of study' - GRE practice essay [7]

Hi,
The essay was good, but I think you should revise the introduction because the ideas in the introduction were vague and unclear. You should reword the topic in an introdcution. U tried to do that, but it was not apparent. In addition, you should directly point out your opinion in an "agree or disagree" topic.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 13, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'going to live once' - IELTS: worst diet [6]

unhealthy fast foods

they live in a large modern country where the time is precious to be spoiled out even for ~~our~~their (the subject of the sentence is "they" so u need "their" here) health

In the following paragraphs I will explain some reasons of our new diet habits, while I will support my opinion and give some solution instead.

It would be better to briefly state the reasons (several words) to show what points are going to discuss in the following paragraphs.

therefore ~~hard working~~working hard ("Hard working" is an adjective for people who work hard)

Life is going to be more complicated recently, therefore~~hard working~~working hard is required to earn more money to get what ~~we think we~~people/we need, therefore(two "therefore" in one row is not rational) we in large cities especially i...

~~Hngrey~~Hungrinesswont (do not use contractions in an essay) wait us to finish our job, but we can get something fast to let it down(a bit informal. Use another word such as "suppress")

The most recent researche s ~~said~~have revealed that our ...

instead of you can avoid

use passive sentences in writing and avoid using the words "I", "You" , etc.

...to finish their works

As the life developed, its requerements developed also, and a lot of employees going to travel from one place to another to finish their work. No time to cook in these circumstances and the fast food is the substituation.

This paragraph is too short with a week support. U can make it stronger by stating some jobs with similar situations. For instance, traders or inspectors should travel form one place to another one regularly.

On the other hand, both parents work in the same time nowadays which means hard time to enjoy cooking or even to eat together.

this paragraph is also short. In fact, this is just a topic sentence and I cannot call it a paragraph.

~~Food~~It is claimed that food is~~to be~~ a support for our bodiesy , which improve the immune system against various infections and diseases~~to help it to defeat against the disease and to be in a very good healthy built.~~ We should not get involved in the pollution(what do u mean? pollution is not used in this context. Search the word "Body pollution" to get my point) of our health, Inat the same time we have to criticize and insist our government to build natural restua rants instead of any kind of bad unhealthy food ones. Health education is another soll ution that ~~our~~ governeme nts should ~~care about it,~~pay attention to, in addition to family,education and how to manage our life properly to be in a good healthy way.(this sentence is not clear and has no support. Moreover, each paragraph should involve a conclusion at the end)

In conclusion, Before writing a clincher (ending statement) u should reword the topic or the first paragraph) we are going to live once so we must live it with healthy fit accompanied body.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 13, 2012

Writing Feedback / Essay on Group Therapy vs. Individual Therapy [3]

I think you should improve the introduction. An introduction reveals that what points are going to argue in an essay. This important point was not observed in the introduction of your essay, and this is the week point of the introduction, in my point of view. A reader needs to know the following paragraphs will cover which part of the topic. Indeed, this is just my opinion and it is a suggestion.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 13, 2012

Essays / 'How to reduce earth pollution' - starting an essay? [6]

Hi, at the first step authorities should improve the people's awareness level about this fact that producing rubbish will negatively impact the environment. For this purpose, advertising can be viewed as a powerful tool for motivating people to make less rubbish. There are too many advertising methods which can be employed in this concern such as environmental adverts, direct and indirect advertising, online advertising, etc.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 13, 2012

Writing Feedback / Contribution of artists and scientists are both important to society. [4]

~~From~~On the one hand....On the other hand

one place to another ~~place~~one

We have mobile phone so that

Do not use "We" "You', "I" in writing. U can change the sentence in this way :"Mobile phone is another clear-cut example that reveals the role of scientists in our lives"

...is invaluable to ~~the~~a (u are not talking about a certain society. So, I think "a" should be replaced with "the") society.

both artists and scientists are playing equal, valuable and irreplaceable roles

My opinion is that both types play equal roles

U used the term "play equal roles" in the introduction and conclusion. Try to use various structures and words for the sentences.

The essay is a bit long (383 words). Be careful about time limitation in a real test

Overall the essay was a great one. If you write like this in the IELTS and TOEFL tests u can easily get the scores of 7.5 and 27, respectively.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Letters / Apology letter (hotel manager has no room for his customer) [4]

Hi,

Provide an outline at first step. Each letter start with "Dear xxxx". Then give a general idea to a reader about the problem (lack of available room). At the beginning a reader should know the letter is going to talk about what issue. After that u should explain about the problem (why this problem has been created, u should also talk about the costs such as 3000 deposit over past weekends, free drink etc). At the next part of the letter, you should ask what u want form the reader of the letter, and u should also suggest some solutions for raising the problem.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'nation's social development' - GRE Issue Task-- characteristics of a society [3]

Hi,
To tell the truth, I just read the introduction because the essay was long :). Please accept my apologies.

Here are my suggestions about the first paragraph:

political system, economic structure, and cultural features ("political and economic" are adj., So, u should also use the word "culture" in the adjective form.) ,

The statement tries

Which statement?? You should not make a reader to turn back and read the topic. U must put all necessary information in the essay. For example u could write:" It is believed that for better understanding of a society's characteristics, sociologists and authorities should concentrate their investigations on major cities of that society"

In the introduction u should apparently mention your idea (agree or disagree). You should also state the reasons of your opinion to show the following paragraph include which issues.

The most crucial features of a society, indeed, are possessed by many non-major cities and should be understood by studying the country as a whole.

Which crucial features??? Are they the things that you want to talk about them in the body? If the answer is yes, you should briefly (in several words) mention them.

The words that u used in the essay were really good. I think creating interesting sentences with strong structures is more important than vocabulary.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL (Business should hire employees for their entire lives) [6]

Hi,
Yes , you are right but I did that mistake because the word "can" was wrote several words before "give" and I did not pay attention to "can". My apology because of the mistake.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Hi, I wrote a part of the introduction of an article below. Please help me to improve it. This is just a part of the inroduction, and I am writing the rest of it. Thanks in advance.

Mg-Al-based magnesium alloys could draw the attention of many industries, especially airspace and automotive ones, because of their great castability, good corrosion resistance and appropriate room-temperature mechanical properties. AZ91 magnesium alloy is the most commonly used Mg-Al alloy at low temperature applications. However, the use of this alloy at the temperatures over 110-120 şC is limited due to its poor mechanical properties at elevated temperatures. The formation of -Mg17Al12 phase in the interdendritic regions, is known as the main reason of weak mechanical properties of AZ91 alloy at high temperatures. This phase has a low melting point (i.e., 437 şC) and low thermal stability. As a result, AZ91 alloy loses its strength stemming from dissolution, coarsening and softening of -Mg17Al12 intermetallics.

Numerous studies have been conducted to improve the mechanical properties of this alloy at elevated temperatures. Most of the investigations have focused on replacing unstable -Mg17Al12 phase with thermally stable intermetallics by addition of some elements such as Ca, Y, RE, etc, to the alloy through alloying process.

Poor wear behavior of AZ91 alloy is another important factor which can limit the applications of it. The tribological behavior of this alloy has attract the attention of a group of researchers over last years.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Graduate / 'ardent lover of science' - SOP - Chemical Engineering PhD [7]

it would be an invaluable opportunity for me to have such distinguished mentors and learn under their mentorship. guidance ------------- I doubt whether there is a word "mentorship"

This word is an academic word. More information is available in the website "wikipedia". I did not know anything about this before looking up the word in this site.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Graduate / 'ardent lover of science' - SOP - Chemical Engineering PhD [7]

To duminda: would u please take a look at my new thread??? The introduction of an...????

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'drawbacks of pursuing an inappropriate course of study' - GRE practice essay [7]

1)All students must have the a right . ( All students plural, can I use "a" right, or should I use "rights" as according to subject verb agreement)

u should use "a" instead of "the", because of two reasons: 1) you are talking about a right which was not mentioned before, so it is not familiar to use "the", 2) "right" refers to "choose their future" not "students". Ask yourself this question: which right? the answer is "to choose sth". The answer refers to just one thing.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

Thank you so much.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

are you sure if it is just one group or many groups

Actually just Tribologist work on it. There are a few scientists in the world that work on wear behavior of Light alloys (including magnesium). In addition, I wrote "a group" because I was not talking about a specific researcher.

Thank you very much for your help. The comments were really useful.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'magnesium alloys' - The introduction of a scientific paper [20]

I really appreciate your words, especially the last sentence was really important for me, because as my supervisor told me, an article must be clear for everyone and I am happy that I could convey my message in this way.

I am sorry that the topic was boring :))))))))))))))

About you question :Actually this is an introduction of an article. As you know each paper has four main parts: Introduction; Experimental procedure; Results and discussion; conclusion. As a paper each part must be explained separately.

Thanks again

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'characteristics of societies while studying in big cities' - GRE issue essay [5]

not help us to understand the beauty of societies ~~when~~and small cities, which are often devalued, have an impact on societies too. ----.> I thin this sentence is a little vague. As a suggestion u can write:"I believe if investigations about a society just focus on big cities, many facets of the society such as x,y z will be not discovered/revealed. (X, Y,,Z refers to the aspects that you want to write about them in the body)

First and foremost, small cities are usually considered to be(I prefer "as" rather than "to be")~~the~~ suburbs

The people who live in ~~the~~(u are not talking about some certain suburbs, so u cannot use "the") suburbs

At the second paragraph u should explain why suburb are more important and how they can affect the characteristic of a society. U provided an example about the US, but in this example u did not mention why people should study suburb areas for understanding the society.

In contrast to the statement,

Do not use this and do not make a reader to read the topic one more time. Try to provide all information in your essay.

very attractive to

Use of "very" in writing, especially academic writing, is not appropriate.

They are millions of foreigners visiting Manhattan, New York every year.

before stating this u should add the term "for instance" or something like that to show this is an example and a support for the topic sentence. Without this term, it seems that this fact can just happen in Manhattan.

the characteristics of a Manhattan society.

With less outsiders visiting and more local people living in

The people living in asmall city(use a synonym because u used "small city" for several times. u can use "town")

The people living in small city are more innocent and less sceptical.

this sentence needs a support. u should make it clear when u say "they are innocent".

These people will show the true faces of the world ~~their"true faces"~~ without hiding

In conclusion, small cities which have so many desirable attributes do affect the societies.

Before stating an ending statement (clincher) in the concusion, you should reword the topic/first paragraph.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS Benefits of unpaid work of teenagers [4]

Hi Mriytunjay, it would be better to start a new thread to people can edit your essay more easily. This thread belongs to another person and it is not suitable to put your essay here. I know the topic is the same, and you did that to compare your work with others, but I think you should have your own thread. Please, run a new thread, and then we put some comments on your essay.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 15, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'two hours school working at home' - My ILET is tmw [2]

Hi,

First of all it is the "IELTS" test, not "ILETS". Unfortunately, this essay cannot get the score of 7, because of the following reasons:

1) The words used in this essay were not strong enough.
2) organization was not suitable: U should write the essay according the template that I wrote below:
Introduction
Body (a paragraph about the first view stated in the topic, another paragraph about the second view, and the third one for your opinion and the ways that u think children should spend their free times on)

Conclusion
3) U should use complex sentences with strong structures in order to get band score of 7 and above,
4) repetition is another problem of the essay

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Stop smoking in public places, life is a circle between before and after [3]

bad feedback of smoking on the earth

the use of earth is not appropriate. It would be better to point more specific things such as health, young adults, and the like.

Smoking has beco me tradition(it is not a tradition but it is a habit, I think) in the last two decades

I totally agree

"Vigorously" is a stronger word as compared to "totally".

I will discuss this kind of government's acting and will explain my opinion to support it.

This sentence sounds cliche. In addition, it would be better to briefly state your reasons in the introduction (through several words) to show what are going to mention in the following paragraphs.

Health association societies have hardly tried ~~a lot~~ to revealed the consequences of ~~the~~ smoking on health and environment,

we have been seeing i

try to avoid the use of "we" in writing.

Health association societies tried a lot to revealed the consequences of the smoking on health and environment, however the fortune that earned from that bad trading echoed their voices out. After those years of smoking addiction we have been seeing its effect on the human body, how it kill, and cost our economy a lot because of treatment costs, maybe more than what trading company earned.

This paragraph gives no information about the topic. Note: the topic is about the rule for banning smoking in public places. This problem is also observed in other paragraphs of the body. The topic is not "Smoking: Good or Bad".

Be careful about the things that the topic asks.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / benefit to unpaid teenager and local community [6]

Duminda: In the academic writing the use of "We", "I", and the like, is not appropriate. A writer should use passive sentences because such sentences are stronger, and also this type of expression does not point to a specific person or group, because they have no subject.

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 'man should share evenly household chores' [4]

As Duminda said,, you should write your opinion in the introduction. In addition, you should mention the reasons of your opinion briefly (through several words), because u should make a reader to follow the rest of the essay. If you give many information in the introduction, u have nothing to tell him/her in the body.

Each paragraph should start with an attractive topic sentence. The topic sentence of the paragraphs in this essay are not strong enough. You should also elaborate on the paragraphs by more related examples and descriptions.

Use better vocabulary and work on it.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure," functions of governments [4]

propaganda

Propaganda is used for political issues.

Each paragraph needs a conclusion. U should add a summery at the end of a paragraph.

The example of the third paragraph is a little irrelevant and u should provide a convincing example to completely cover and support your idea.

The essay has no conclusion. Without a conclusion, the essay gets no mark because it is considered as an incomplete essay.

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / Those who make the room clean and dirty are more successful in the future. [3]

Hi, just some suggestions about the introduction:

~~For the time being, an increasing~~As time passes the number of parents becoming worry about the future of their children rises up cause they increasingly pay more attention to~~take care about each details of~~ the children in more details. (What do u mean about this term "details of children") . In the meantime, whether the kids should form a good habits to keep their room clean is ~~the~~a significant issueif they will become successful in futrue receives a widespread concern(this sentence is really confusing. I could not get the main point of it) . Speak for my own, I am totally agree with this opinion (why do you agree with that? give the reasons briefly.) The introduction, is a little long. Be to the point. .

Regards
Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / benefit to unpaid teenager and local community [6]

Well.... I feel this is ok Ahmad.... why do you suggest so?

Of course, there is no strict rule for writing, and different people have different writing styles. But, in many academic books it is recommended students to avoid the use of "we" and "I". So, a writer can use "we" in an essay, but there is no guarantee that an examiner doesn't consider it as a mistake. So, it would be better to do not take a risk and lose mark :))

Ahmad

ah_zafari [Contributor]

Jun 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Hi, Your essay is great and your ability in writing is wonderful. However, If I were u I would try to have a critical look at the domestic and foreign policies of the government, and what the founding fathers expected. U could compare the things that are mentioned in the constitution of the US and the ways that they are executed in the contemporary era. U can talk about wars, poverty, and different social classes in the society, and ask founding fathers about these issues.

This is just my opinion.
Regards
Ahmad