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Posts by zdv
Joined: Dec 1, 2012		 Last Post: Jan 16, 2013
Threads: 12
Posts: 68  
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From: Nepal

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zdv   
Dec 1, 2012
Undergraduate / The Apple Incident; Common app [5]

hey everyone. this is one of the few application essays i've written. can you take a look at it and provide me with feedback? This is slightly light and fun than my other essays. I need feedback to choose the best one. note that this is exceeding the word limit, so if you could also help me with that, it would be great :D

The apple incident
As I stood on my seat, I could see all the eyes that were judging me for the misdemeanor I had conducted. The teachers were looking at me with disdain. "Why are they all looking at only me?", I thought and looked beside me and to my dissappointment , my friend was still in her seat.

The incident took place when I was in my sophomore year in high school. We really wanted to attend a singing competition that was being held in our school but because of the big size of the student body in our school, only half of us were taken to see the competition. My friends planned to sneak out of class to watch it but I was very sure that if we just asked the teachers to let us go, they would. I was wrong. Not only did they turn us down, they accompanied us to our class so that we would not sneak away. All my friends were furious at me for having suggested that we ask the teachers.

With glum, we sat in class and attended the boring lecture with all of our attention to the little bit of what could be heard of the singing competition that took place more than a 100 feet away. My best friend, who sat next to me was the most angry. I was trying to calm her down while pretending to be listening to the lecture when she suddenly found a half bitten apple and threw it across class rather impulsively. To make matters worse, it flew and landed right on the shoulder of the teacher.

We were both terrified. I knew that is not where she aimed her throw, but who would believe us? In a matter of minutes, our class teacher was in the class with the lecturer and they were interrogating us. "Who did this?", they would ask with scorn in their voices and no one would respond. I whispered to my friends that she should stand up and nothing would happen but she already knew where my suggestions had taken her before. The lecturer threatened us stating that if someone does not own up, he would never teach us again. My friend then made me an offer. She asked me to stand up with her. I knew she was scared and could never do it alone, so I agreed. We agreed to count to 3 and stand up at once. 1, 2, 3... I was up. She was not. After taking a moment to realize what I had done, I looked at her and with a sense of guilt, she stood up. We were taken to the teacher's lounge and threatened to be suspended without anyone even hearing our story. "Suspension", a teacher would call, "restigation" the other would improvise. After some time my friend took the blame on herself and the matter was resolved only by having a talk with our parents.

Many know of this story in my school now. Many respond to it by calling me foolish for taking the blame for something I had not done. Teachers mostly would say that its nice to be faithful to your friends but it is not good to support them in wrong doing. But what they do not understand is, I was not just being loyal to a friend. I was doing the right thing. If I had refused to stand up with her, she would not have stood up at all, which would have made the whole class suffer. I was doing the right thing because I was making someone admit the truth. If I had refused, the she would never have owned up to it. If I complained about her, she could have easily refused. What I did is make her act truthful. People can think otherwise of my act, but I do not mind being characterized negatively as long as I know what I am doing is right.
zdv   
Dec 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Albion College Prompt: Tell us something unique about you; Music is beautiful to me [3]

its good. you talk about your love for art and music. But are you sure that you're answering the question. The question asks what makes you unique. Not how your likes and dislikes differ from other people. I think you should rather be talking about the traits of your personality than your tastes. and for most of the part, you're explaining why music or art is unique. not why you are.
zdv   
Dec 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Siblings in Mexico' - Someone that has impacted my life [2]

a lot of grammatical errors. would suggest proofreading it a few times.
the essay is mostly about your father and that kind of overshadows you.
you're supposed to write how the deeds of a person has helped you to improve yourself not how one action of a person has changed your life.

the writing seems very naive.
concentrate less on praising the person and more on how the goodness of that person had affected you.
excessive use of the word "impact"
zdv   
Dec 2, 2012
Undergraduate / "Get me some water!" - Yale supplement (own topic) [8]

* grief stricken face
*belief that we are
Nkululeko- meaning Freedom-indisputably the most common for children born in 1994.... this sentence seems incomplete. is indisputably?
*their argument
*different tale than that
*i undoubtedly think that
its nice with a few mistakes in forms of words but iv listed the many i could find above. liked the ending and the beginning. the body kind of makes me loose attention somewhere but thats probably because of your use of high vocabulary. Its nice that you use it and makes an impression on the reader but remember that the most important thing is having your reader hooked.

i hope this helps :)
zdv   
Dec 2, 2012
Undergraduate / My Father, My Hero - Personal Essay [7]

the essay is good although its not unique. a lot of people write about their parents on this topic. but as long as you can make the essay different, you are good to go. Remember not to let your father overshadow you while writing the essay. although you are writing about someone who have made an impact on you the main character of the essay should be you. Try answering questions like what kind of changes have i gone through because of my father? how has my father's actions made me a better person?

also do not just praise your father. that will not keep the reader hooked. try including specific incidents or quotes from your father.
the last sentence is good but a little cliche like. a lot of people use that and if not something like that. try coming up with something stronger. something that will have the thinking about your essay even if he has finished reading it.
zdv   
Dec 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Purdue helps achieve my dream of becoming a successful Entrepreneur! Purdue App [2]

i think you're deviating from the topic a little bit here. you're focussing a lot on the university as a whole and not how its educations is going to help you. think you should focus more on the programs of your interest. for instance you want to study business. so whats good about the business program in purdue? dont just rely on the fame of the university for your essay.

i would suggest re-writing it. take a moment and think of why you want to go to this university. what's so great about it. a little research would help you find the strong attributes of the university. collect all of the information and organize your essay.

use a paragraph to first list a good trait of the university and explain how that trait might help in accomplishing your goals.
you're writing is good and with some organization you will do great.
i also think you should avoid giving wordy expositions. its nice that you say how you were brought up but you should abbreviate it. it does not have much to do with the question. i wont say get rid of it, but just shorten it a bit.

i hope this helps :)
zdv   
Dec 12, 2012
Undergraduate / I chose to destroy my best friend's life - ethical dilemma [4]

the essay is really good. but there's something that bugs me. im not quite sure if i understand what you mean by what was right and the right thing to do. they seem parallel to me. and i encounter a little bit of hyperbole which is the exaggeration of your speech. you arent really destroying his life. i think its nice you use strong words, but this just seems to extreme. i would suggest you use something like betrayal and still give portray the harsh feeling as before if you can do so.

also the last sentence, you say the answer is no. but the reader might think there was a better way. so i think you would benefit if you say "till now, MY answer is no"because that is your opinion.

in the last paragraph, it should be "eaten on my conscience more than it does now."
i hope ive helped. :)
zdv   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Sibling insecurity and much more -Common App/ Application essay [13]

hey guys. this is my common app application essay. Please give me any feedback or advice. Please be harsh. is it unique? or do i sound like another whiny teenager? do i come off as trying to gain sympathy?too much material? style? lacking is something? ANYTHING!!! it is not final and i can still change it so any advice is welcome. kudos :)

After 18 years, my parents have had another child - a boy. While the measure of everyone's joy at this event seems infinite, I cannot help but wonder, was I not good enough?

I have always believed that one of the reasons I grew up to be a feminist is my parents. They raised me as an only child until the age of 12, after which they had another daughter who drove away the solitude I had always felt. Throughout my life I watched them disregard every tantrum from the society for not having a son, which led me to assume I was as good as one. I spent all of my time trying to gratify my parents; trying to gather their approval. I have been obedient, respectful, understanding and academically forward. I have been a source of pride to my parents at many occasions and have always dreamt of supporting them during their old days. Today, the dream is still the same; the difference is that I envision their son doing it instead of me.

To someone viewing this situation, it may look like another instance of sibling insecurity. But for me, it is much more. Having been raised in a society where wives are physically and verbally abused in every other home; where daughters are disowned for being engaged in love affairs; where children are always asked to pray for brothers and never for sisters; where people have as many as 12 daughters in hope of having a son and then refuse to educate all of them because they do not have the required source of finance, I always felt blessed to have parents who were not misogynists like most in my society. But today, I feel like I was wrong all along. I wonder, could my parents be one of those I recently criticized as being misogynists?

I understand that they have the right to bear as many children as they desire. However, the fact that if my sister or I were of the opposite sex, they probably would not have found the need to have another child, neglecting the unfavorable financial circumstances we are in, makes me feel worthless. My existence does not seem to hold any value to neither my society nor my parents.

As a child, I was also a subject to ethnic discrimination and bullying in my school. Back then, I did not know that it was wrong and always thought that I was the one carrying the defect. But not this time. I refuse to be treated differently for something that is a part of me that I do not have the power to change. Unlike my society, I know that my existence holds a reason and now, I have found it. Sexism is a disease, one of the mind that I cannot treat with my knowledge in genetics. However, I will bring a change to the mindset of people towards women in any possible way I can.

I may forgive my parents for the pain that they have caused me, the insecurities I have felt, the doubts I have had about myself, but I cannot forgive them, as a woman, for thinking I wasn't good enough.
zdv   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Captain Mac' - Common App Influential Person Topic [5]

very well written. although i couldnt understand the topic (i have no idea what rlo is), i could relate. i would suggest focussing more on what you have become because of his influence and how you changed, improved in that. go more intra-personal so that the reader knows what you think of yourself. by the by, excellent writing skills. :)
zdv   
Dec 13, 2012
Scholarship / DESCRIBE YOURSELF. B CREATIVE - Trustee's Scholarship Personal Statement [9]

i think the essay is not as creative as the question demands. so work on that. may be focus on certain instances that say a lot about you than writing your whole life story. To be honest, this does not catch my attention very much and i found it quite boring to read (i dont mean to be offensive). make it a little more fun or interesting by adding bits that grab one's attention.
zdv   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Being a devote Justin Bieber fan! NYU supplement [8]

here's something i read while trying to find advice on the internet about writing an application essay. always keep your audience in mind.
while im absolutely open to opinions and tastes in music, ur reader will probably be someone in their 30's or 40's who probably thinks that the knd of music this generation listens to is crap and hates justin bieber. so using justin bieber in this might not be such a great idea. i read this essay where someone rights about how he found the glee version of a song so much more better, whats shocking is i found it on the "what not to do on an application essay"section.

so i advice u to reconsider using justin bieber. you can still write a lot about ur passion for music without including justin bieber. im not a bieber hater and its just an advice. please dont be offended.

by the way, ur writing is great. very indulging. its just the choice of your topic that might be a problem.
zdv   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / stanford roommate essay- debating and the outdoors [6]

looks good. you say lot about urslf without shying away from ur defects which gives the letter a sense of honesty. although i think focussing on one specal quality of urs will do this paper much good and i believe is what the question is asking. anyway its ur choice.
zdv   
Dec 14, 2012
Undergraduate / "I gaze at the sunset with the woman I love and think, F8 at 1/2"; personal stateme [7]

you dont have to be deep. i would say. its nice to not be deep for once. while admission officers are in depression after reading all the deep essays, yours will come as a refreshment to them. so i think you should stick with it. and i loved the essay. its great. it really shows me your passion for photography and lets me now how you have improved the way you viewed things. make the grammatical changes suggested above and you will do great.
zdv   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / We create our own story,and they decorate the entire human history/ ROCHESTER CApp [6]

i agree with the previous comment. cut down a little bit on the descriptive part an focus more on the comparison. i would also like to add that you should write something more about yourself. while i get to know how you view others, i cant know much about you from this essay which is what you want to do with an application essay.

the second essay has a lot of grammatical mistakes and awkward sentences. would suggest revising it.
zdv   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT essays - community/pleasure/department/personal quality [5]

great essays, you tell a story with each one and i think thats great, you know, to be able to do so in such a small paragraph. other than that, there are a few errors which i believe are typos or carelessness. proofread it a couple of times and you can get rid of all of them.
zdv   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Just fix the world' -Brown: What would I do if I could do something without failing? [7]

if you want to write something about helpling the world, think you should do it if you genuinely want to. if you're not genuine, it will show through your writing. and focus on one aspect. that is what the question is asking. one thing! find something and elaborate on why you want it to be done without failure and its importance to you.
zdv   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / I have spent half of my lunch breaks sitting in the physics lab; princeton supplement [4]

I USED TO SPEND half of my lunch breaks sitting
saw around me. (And) He was patient (cut off the and)
I asked him "Sir, if we live inside the earth and earth is made of rocks then how do we see the sky?"

a globe kept in the lab he explained TO me how we didn't live in the Earth but lived on it.
these were a few writing errors. on the whole, the essay is good.
zdv   
Dec 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Like an antique picture of faded color- CApp/ An Ephiphany Moment/experience [9]

i think your essay is great. the writing is good and structure is good too. the only thing i think is an issue is that it may not be unique enough. everyone at some point in their life has an epiphany of wanting to help people. so many might be writing on this topic. it doesnt quite stand out from the crowd. your common app essay should be something that makes you look unique. anyway, it might be too much to change the whole essay at this point, so maybe you can just add in there a few things that sets you apart from the rest.
zdv   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / I am not exactly sure about what I wish to study ; NYU supp/ Academic interests [3]

i like your essay. we share the same feelings about having too many interests. however i think saying how am i supposed to choose a major as such a young age is not quite appropriate. firstly, not everybody might view you as young and second, many others of your age already have. so i would suggest cutting that out. also, i think you should write about your academic interests a bit more. you list a few in you essay but try to respond to why you like them too. i think that would do your essay much good.
zdv   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU supplement "What intrigues you?"- street art [2]

actually going into a museum or an art gallery, which fascinates me very much. - i am not sure which of these you are trying to say fascinates you, the museums or the fact. be precise.

but equally letting these thoughts and ideas be shared WITH everyone, as they are public.
great essay. you explain why this feels street art seems right to you. i would suggest you put in there a small experience you had too. like maybe when you watched a particular art, you realized something. that would give the essay a personal touch as opposed to just defending why you like street art.
zdv   
Dec 19, 2012
Undergraduate / Sibling insecurity and much more -Common App/ Application essay [13]

thank you everyone for your meaningful feedback. i am really very grateful to all of you. i have made a few changes to the essay keeping all of the feedback in mind and adding somethings of my own. please read it and tell me how you like the new version. was the old version better? is it too much? any advice is appreciated. also if anyone could help me cut down a bit, that would be great. :)

"Was I not good enough?" I ask myself over a hundred times as I look at my mother uttering the words "We need someone to take ahead our family name". I try to portray a smile but there is a lump in my throat that is preventing it. I feel like I am choking and there is no water, no way not to choke.

After 18 years of giving birth to me and 6 years of giving birth to my sister, my parents have had another child- a boy. While the measure of everyone's joy at this event seems infinite, I seem to be lost in thought, trying to determine what I did wrong. I think I know the answer but I am trying to find another explanation. There has to be another explanation, or I am left with "I was not a boy".

I have always believed that one of the reasons I grew up to be a feminist is my parents. Throughout my life, I watched them disregard every tantrum from the society for not having a son which led me to assume, I was as good as one. I have been a source of pride to my parents at many occasions and have always dreamt of supporting them during their old days. Today, the dream is the same; the difference is that I envision their son doing it instead of me.

To many, this may look like another instance of sibling insecurity, but to me, it is much more. Having been raised in a society where wives are physically and verbally abused every day; where daughters are disowned for being engaged in love affairs; where children are always asked to pray for brothers and never for sisters; where fetuses are aborted for not being male; where people have as many as twelve daughters in hope of having a son without having the means to finance all of their educations, I always felt blessed to have parents who were not misogynists like most in my society. But now, I feel like I had been wrong. I wonder, could my parents be one of those I recently characterized as misogynists?

I understand that they have the right to have as many children as they desire. But the fact that despite our unfavorable financial circumstances, they chose to have another child simply because me or my sister are not boys makes me feel worthless. My existence does not seem to hold any value to neither my society nor my parents.

Also a subject to ethnic discrimination and bullying as a child, I always thought I was the defective. But not again. I refuse to be treated differently for something that is a part of me that I do not have the power to change. Unlike my society, I know there is a reason behind my existence and now I have found it. Sexism is a disease, one of the mind that I cannot treat with my knowledge in genetics. But I have made a promise to myself to bring a change in the mindset of people about women in every way I can.

As for my parents, I may not be able to forgive them as a woman, but as a daughter I already have, for the love they have given me and the sacrifices they have made are much greater than the pain they have caused me and the doubts I have had about myself.
zdv   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / I wanted to my own mark in the world; Common App [4]

wow! that must have been really hard. i sympathize with your story. anyway, as for the essay, i think it is well written. however, the fact that you suddenly change the topic from the assault to your mum's sickness is a little disturbing. i would suggest maybe sticking to one. and also, i think you should elaborate on the part about what you've learned from the experience (after all that is what lets the reader know the kind of person you are). and when you start listing the things you did, it kind of lost my attention. so, maybe make it a little more active by changing sentences. tell a story with each sentence rather than just listing what you did. and well, that just my opinion, you dont have to take it.

i hope i've helped :)
zdv   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Why did i cry ? ; Significant reality/What Matters Most [5]

although i could spiritually connect to this essay, it was hard for me to understand all the muslim words you used. so i think you should explain them or use more common words for them. otherwise, it is a very well written essay.
zdv   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / The Apple Incident; Common app [5]

thank you rocky for the feedback but unfortunately im not using this essay anymore. it would be great if you could read the other essay on sibling insecurity i have written and give me feedback :)
zdv   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The world is upside down' - dance common app extracurricular essay [8]

hey everyone. This is my common app extracurricular essay. please help me improve it. i have a great passion for dance but its really hard to show in such a small word count. i think its a bit off. what do you think? Any advice is more than welcome. also, i need to reduce the word count. so any help will be appreciated. thanks in advance :)

The world is upside down. A pair of feet is all I can see from the corner of my eyes. The pain in my arms has made them numb but I refuse to give up. I slowly and carefully turn my gaze towards the mirror placed in front of me, trying my best not to lose balance. As I look at myself, I realize that I am doing it. I have done it. I have finally learned the posture of baby freeze and am now standing on my head.

Dancing has always taken me to a state of euphoria; to a state where I can connect with myself, learn who I am and remember where I come from. In every stage of my life, I have danced and I have learned more about myself through it. As a kid, I learned the classical form, which helped me understand the god I worshiped everyday without knowing of his existence. Through middle school, I learned various ethnic dances which allowed me to learn about the different ethnicities in my country, including my own. Belly dancing, which I learned by myself through repeated viewing of videos, helped me get in touch with my femininity as a girl transforming into a woman.

Today, I am learning the b-boying form which requires great strength and stamina. With my fragile figure, most had said I would not be able to do it. But as I started learning, my own strength astounded me. Yet again, this form has familiarized me with my strength and taught me to never underestimate myself.

Dance has always been a companion to me through my happiness and sorrow, pride and insecurity, physicality and spirituality and I believe it will continue introducing me to many other sides of me that I have yet to know.
zdv   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Teaching kids at Islamic Center of Brighton Beach; Common App / Extracurricular [5]

you tend to use smaller forms of words like don't and i'm. I would suggest using full words as smaller forms are considered incorrect in formal writing.

*elder sister, not older
My students have given me something that I have never gotten before: the honor of being a teacher
This experience has not only made me play the role of a teacher for providing them with knowledge, but also an elder sister for giving advice to the students in need.

I loved your essay. very well written. If you have more space i would suggest you to elaborate more on your feelings and what you have learned.
zdv   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / THE WASHROOM WALL --COMMONAPP ESSAY: TELL US ABOUT A CHARACTER DEFINING MOMENT? [4]

i love the essay. i was captivated by the first half of it with your bathroom story. however when you started listing what you had done, i sort of lost interest. im not saying you should cut it. just try to make it more interesting rather than just listing stuff.

anyway, you write veryy verry well. like amazingly well.
zdv   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / I was raised by my mother after my father left us; HARVARD SUPP [5]

i think its a great essay. my only issue is that you say that you hope it will help you grow into a better person and not how it already has. although it comes across your essay, i think it will be better to state clearly how your beliefs have already made a difference in who you are.

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