Undergraduate / CURIOSITY has been the cornerstone of man's evolution; SOP - Automobile Engineering [2]

Much improved! Because your SOP is so long as it is, I would suggest not adding anything else. Besides, I think your intro and conclusion look OK; I think it's always a good idea to start and end with what you are pursuing. Just fix these last little things (a lot of them were errors on my part), and just make sure there isn't a word limit on your prompt :P

Undergraduate / "Education is a social process; Education is growth" - UT / Personal Essay [4]

This is a well-written essay, but content-wise, I have some issues with it.

A. The prompt says "Choose an issue of importance to you." I don't think you can categorize education as an issue; maybe if you talked about how students in your school don't think their education is important, or the declining number of people pursuing a higher education (IDK if that is true or not). An issue is something you can resolve, and you should also write about how you are trying to resolve your issue, or how you hope to resolve your issue in the future.

And B. You spend a lot of your essay defining education, and not enough talking about you and your life.

"Education is a social process. Education is growth. Education is, not a preparation for life; education is life itself." - John Dewey

Undergraduate / Thesis statement for the topic - Should students work part time during college days? [4]

I believe that working part-time during college has more negative effects on students for several reasons.

It is argued that working part-time is one of the best ways for college students to get useful experience and make some money without their parents' providing it . However, a part-time job can be the cause of some problems for learners who dedicating their time and energy for their job. Because of the poor conditions in some jobs, students can be injured or meet accidents during their working projects. This one the reason why college students should consider the risks of their decision carefully before working part-time .

Scholarship / Help Children; QUESTBRIDGE C Prep SCHOLARSHIP/ Why Medicine? [3]

Grammar-wise, I have very few complaints, as you can see. But shack555 is right about your apparent lack of passion. Tell me a story; what experiences, beliefs, hobbies, or talents have shaped your desire to become a doctor? Saying you love learning and want to help people are definitely true and good for becoming a doctor, but also for many other jobs, and they're a little cliched.

Undergraduate / Tennis powerhouse ; Ivy League material/ Place or Environment [9]

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

I agree that your essay is extremely well-written. I also agree that your essay emits an off-putting undertone of arrogance. You could very well be matched with applicants writing about how they feel content in the hospital rooms of dying children as they sing to them, giving them and their families some peace and happiness the final moments of those childrens' lives. Meanwhile, you're implying that you feel content competing against others and beating them with your on-point accuracy.

You don't have to lie about the incident or change it; just change the focus. Write about how you feel content playing tennis. Or use the beginning to write about how you were initially nervous (even if you weren't) about facing a player with such a reputation of excellence. And then write about how you ended up realizing that you are content with being challenged and facing others who are better than you, because that brings out the best in you. Then you get your win and your humility.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Knowledge, responsibility, respect, passion & a desire makes good Physician Assistant [4]

Grammar-wise, I have few issues. You're a very good writer. As for content, I know that you don't think your life is incredibly compelling, but don't use that as an excuse to write a vague or generic essay. You're trying to emphasize how much you want to be a physician's assistant, but you come across as a little fake because I don't really learn anything about your personality or your life from your statement.

You said yourself that a lot of people will write about their willingness to help others, and they'll also write about a passion for learning and a willingness to take on challenges. Expand on your unique talents, beliefs, experiences. Write about what you did in Mexico, or the kinds of patients you've met in your jobs, and how those experiences taught you something that you will use in a career. Tell me why you want to become a physician's assistant of all things, how you found out about that career and fell in love with it. Tell readers the story of you!

Writing Feedback / We knew that we wanted to be together [3]

Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of becoming a lawyer.[Maybe whoever's writing this can explain why?]Then I fell in love. His name was Juan; he was eighteen and I was sixteen when we married. When we graduated from high school, we both had the opportunity to reach our career goals . I was moved into another education plan. Meanwhile, Juan wanted to study Math and Air Defense Logistics in Spain, Israel, and the U.S., and was elated when ____________ selected him to move to Spain. After we analyzed the advantages and the disadvantages of his leaving (?) , we both agreed that it was better that he follow his dream first so he could support his family. We also agreed that after he reached his goals, that I would be able to pursue mine . But for now , we knew that we wanted to be together, so we when he left, I went with him.

Undergraduate / We had a hard life; Cal Summer Experience [7]

temptprovidence

Proficient means more that you are talented at something, like better than average, while sufficient means that you are barely good enough. You generally use proficient when describing people, in the form of "He is proficient in math," or "She is a proficient swimmer."

You generally use sufficient when talking about something other than people, like "Three pages is sufficient for this assignment," or "In sufficient amounts, this gas is toxic." However, you can also say a person is sufficient.

Undergraduate / The moving image ; Emerson C- What influenced you to select your major? [4]

You write very well and put a nice spin on fairly bland prompt. No major complaints! Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Turning point of my life began with my interest in Journalism U of A PS [5]

You could give it a kind of article-y feel, like you're doing a report on yourself (keep it formatted like an essay, though; no gimmicks!) If you do mention your grades, which you should (especially if you want to show that you've been working hard to improve them because of a changed mindset, or if something happened to make you lose your focus), do it in the context of "This happened, but I learned from it and am moving on." I like the idea of you showing your growth by describing how you started off in a fairly humble position and worked your way up to editor-in-chief. Describe how each position was different and what you learned from them.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "you can be dumb as rocks, but if you have ambition..." Trasnfer Essay [4]

This is an impressive essay! The only thing is, is there a word limit? While very well-written, it's a little on the long side.

"You can be as dumb as rocks, but as long as you have ambition the world is yours, " my mother told me when I announced to her that I would be applying to the University of Washington Tacoma. I was not" dumb as rocks," but I had the ambition. I knew the struggle. Balancing school, 40 hours a week of work, and selling cars on the side, I knew that in life, nothing good comes easy. I was brought up to work hard for what I wanted. I am proud to say that I come from a family of paper-thin toothpaste tubes and an unchanging thermostat. My family's unique culture has shaped me into the honest, disciplined man I am today.

Undergraduate / You can expect me to be studying hard in the room; Stanford roommate essay prompt [4]

I think your attempts to seem a little reserved work in your favor, and I can also see your sense of humor in what you're writing. So overall, good job!

Dear Future Roommate,

Letters / Obtaining a degree in Political Science and Public Administration; Letter of Intent [3]

Your LoI doesn't have to be so limited. Along with why you are interested in the major, you should also tell readers about you. So you should start with where you're from, how you became interested in what you're planning to study or the job you want to have, and any achievements, extracurricular activities, courses, or experiences that relate to your intended field of study. Then highlight why you would be a good candidate for studying this subject and what you intend to do with the education you receive.

Also, you don't need to ask them for admission; the job of admissions' officers is to read your essay and consider you for admission regardless of whether or not you ask them to. Extra requests in your essay will only waste space.

Undergraduate / You can expect me to be studying hard in the room; Stanford roommate essay prompt [4]

Haha, it was my pleasure. Best of luck!

Essays / How to write "essay of my choice" ? Need advice! [6]

Every academic essay should have some kind of introductory paragraph where you explain what you are going to write about and give some background information on your topic. Then you have body paragraphs where you elaborate on your topic. You finish with a conclusion, which basically sums up what you have written.

I don't know what essay books you've been reading, but it's very strange to write an essay about the title of your essay. If your title is "The Use of Hospital Data to Reduce Morbidity and Mortality," then your essay is about the use of hospital data to reduce morbidity and mortality. So, you could use your introductory paragraph to define morbidity and mortality, as hexxcoat said. Maybe open with a couple-of-sentence-story about someone who got sick or died because of problems with hospital data to make readers interested and sort of explain why this topic is so important. Then explain what topics you are going to cover in one sentence (at most) per topic.

The rest of your essay will be broken up into sub-topics. There are many things you write about contained under the title: The Use of Hospital Data to Reduce Morbidity and Mortality. How do different hospitals organize their data? Are there some that don't record data at all? How often do mistakes occur, and why do they occur? What happens to the patients when these kinds of mistakes occur? What kinds of diseases could be contagious or deadly if treated the wrong way?

Whatever questions you choose to answer (you should have at least three, depending on how much you want to write about each topic), you'll need to do some research. You can quote websites or books in your essay, but you'll need to cite them parenthetically (if you don't know how, you can go to owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/2/, but you should find out whether your teacher wants your essay in APA or MLA format, or some other format). If you don't want to try and figure that out, just make sure to put anything you get from another source into your own words.

So...

Intro - Opening that engages the reader, define your major terms in the title, state what topics you are going to talk about

Body #1

Body #2

Body #3

...However many paragraphs you're going to have

Conclusion - Summarize what you said (one sentence per topic, a little more specific than what you stated in your intro), Re-emphasize why this is an important topic

Undergraduate / Nursing/ It has been always a dream; Unique Characteristics/Why UCF? [5]

It was my pleasure!

Essays / consider the poems " contemplation upon flowers" and "to an athlete dying young" [4]

Structure refers to the way the author writes his sentences or formats the poem. Having fragments conveys something different than long rambling sentences. Structure can include repetition of words, phrases, or lines. The way stanzas are formatted (a certain number of lines, different sized stanzas) is also included in structure, as is the way the author chooses to make his lines short or long, or cut off lines in certain spots.

Undergraduate / Nursing/ It has been always a dream; Unique Characteristics/Why UCF? [5]

I really liked some of the little changes you've made, like the one comment about the midwife (It scares me that terrible things like that still happen!), and apart from a few minor grammar things, it's great!

Undergraduate / George Washington Transfer Application: President in the Making! [3]

When you said this would be "rough," I envisioned something a lot worse than what I just read. I think it's beautifully written, and will definitely reflect you very well to admissions officers. Best of luck!

Book Reports / Oedipus the king fate vs. free will help on thesis statement [18]

In Oedipus the King , Sophocles uses symbolism to show that fate unfolds truth.

It looks good so far, but maybe add something about why Sophocles chose to use symbolism or what message he wants to give his audience about fate or truth.

Undergraduate / I am more open to different perspectives ; Ben Franklin movable prompt [3]

Overall, very unique answer, as it speaks of your development and commitment to keep bettering yourself. However, I got a little lost in the vague sentences and metaphors in the final paragraph of your essay. Don't just tell me that you're more open. What do you do in school or in extracurriculars or at home or elsewhere that shows that you are more open?

Undergraduate / I can easily adapt to a new environment; Transfer College Essay [4]

Overall, good. But I think you should write more about what you want to major in and how this new university will help you achieve your academic and career goals.

Graduate / I want to pursue a Masters Degree in process systems engineering [3]

Very well-written! My only issue was that some of your sentences were kind of long. To engage readers, it's important to keep your writing concise and to-the-point. I helped you with that a little, but content-wise, you seem very eloquent and mature, and presented yourself very well with this essay.

Undergraduate / Skidmore cares for its students; Transfer-Skidmore/ Academic+Personal Goals [6]

"hands-on" instead of "hands on"

"Biology" instead of "biology"

Other than that, I think this is a solid answer and says a lot despite having to be so short!

Undergraduate / I am in combat. The enemy is stealthy, fast, and skilled; College App [6]

I think your show-don't-tell approach definitely makes for better writing, but at the same time, for many colleges, the Common App essay is the only way to portray everything you want to about yourself to a school. And what I currently get from your essay is: 1. You are fighting breast cancer, 2. You are determined to get better and determined to complete school and live your life, and 3. You like Northwestern University. So ask yourself, "If a person who knew absolutely nothing about me read this essay and got those three ideas, would he or she know who I was?" And if you're satisfied with the answer, then your essay is good to go.

Undergraduate / Culture & Beauty of Portland/ Small Classes; Lewis & Clark Supp- How & Why? [6]

It looks good to me. The only things you could consider adding are why you value hands-on learning as much as you do, and specific courses or clubs you are interested in.

Undergraduate / I am cracking my head to figure out what is property and real estate - NUS App [3]

Ever since the meeting, I wondered what is property and real estate wereWhen I referred to my sister,she told me a lot about the field.but I still don't understand part of it, so I tried it myself by searching Google. Still, I am cracking my head to figure it out. Since I had developed interest in real estate, my sister encouraged me to study it in college and told me that, upon graduation, I can join her company and take part in the twelve-year Iskandar Malaysia project once I grab the chance.

This is pretty good, but I think you should explain more about why you like real estate and why you think it would be a good subject for you to study and pursue as a career.

Undergraduate / Culture & Beauty of Portland/ Small Classes; Lewis & Clark Supp- How & Why? [6]

I like the additions, and I think your essay looks great!

Grammar, Usage / 'the average Joes out there...' - Quick Grammar Check for a sentence [7]

Out of all the Average Joes out there, all I am is a kid with an overwhelming curiosity,anda desire to learn,along and a vivid imagination.

Essays / Who can bring Change? professional integrity, profound acuity, commitment and passion [6]

I believe that a person with scrupulous professional integrity, profound acuity, commitment, and the passionfor reaching new horizons& touching a sky, can not only conquer any challenge efficiently but can easily oust the prevailing drab status quo by implementing sustainable reforms.

Undergraduate / Accounting is part of human's everyday life; Masters-Personal Statement [11]

Honestly, I like your first personal statement a lot more than I like this one. You spend a lot of this essay "describing yourself" to readers, but you never back up what you are saying with any examples. Anyone can say they are committed and hard-working or that they are dedicated to the community. What have you done in high school that shows these things?

Writing Feedback / The Absolutely True Diary of Part Time Indian School Book Essay [Year 9, Australia] [4]

At times, I also think you lost sight of the prompt a little. It's basically: 1. Describe the characters' personalities, 2. Relate the personalities to your theme, and 3. Explain what belief or message Sherman Alexie is trying to give about the themes through the characters. For the paragraph about Junior, you did a lot of 2, but not really 1 or 3. For the paragraph about poverty, you did well with 2 and very well with 3, but you probably needed some quotes to describe the people's personalities better. What do they do that makes you think they have low self-esteem? You did a good job with 1 and 2 on Rowdy, but limited 3 to one sentence at the end.

Hopefully that was helpful. Best of luck in your future writing, and overall, great essay!

Undergraduate / Temple University transfer essay? 10 year reunion? [3]

I like the essay, and format-wise, you write very well. I especially liked the eloquence with which you create the mountain metaphor, but my issue was that while it was really strong in the first half, it disappeared by the end. Also, maybe by describing some courses or opportunities you know are at the school, you could elaborate on how Temple helped you learn better than Penn State did and how it helped you open up your art gallery.

Scholarship / Bodybuilding/ Asthma & Music/ Being a Muslim; Questbridge Prep Scholarship [4]

1. Bodybuilding:

For me, bodybuilding has little to do with aesthetics. Bodybuilding requires discipline and commitment, which shapes who I am in every aspect of life. In fact, it is bodybuilding that reinforces my decision to become a software engineer. In order to see significant results in my body, I had to devise personalized workout programs and diets through constant trial and error. The enjoyment that comes from creating something successful after tedious work is unmatched. Likewise, as a software engineer, knowing that the dedication and discipline it takes to create programs which will significantly impact others' lives for the better is wonderful.

2. Asthma and Music

With chronic asthma, my lifestyle choices had to be carefully chosen out. When I started playingthe clarinet , it was difficult to use my full breathing capacity. [Why did you choose the clarinet if you had asthma?] Every few measures, I found myself gasping for breath, whereas my fellow clarinetists easily played through full sections. However, if I could thank asthma for one thing, it would be for teaching me persistence. Had I quit playing clarinet due to my condition early on, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the theory behind music, or start practicing on a new developed interest, singing!

3. Being a Muslim

"Do you have C4's?" This was one of the many slurs I had to endure at school that left me desperately wishing I could alienate myself from the rest of the world. It struck me as odd that I could become the inadvertent object of racial slurs and discrimination for my skin color and religious beliefs. It was only recently, however, that I realized I shouldn't blame anyone except myself. My attempts to conform with other religions, hoping I could escape prejudice, only ruined my own self-image . I find it easier to be open-minded and accepting of others and myself .

Scholarship / Bodybuilding/ Asthma & Music/ Being a Muslim; Questbridge Prep Scholarship [4]

No problem! And maybe you could include a little of that explanation in your paragraph, just to clarify. But it looks good overall, and you have a really interesting response!

Undergraduate / People say that I am absolutely ambitious and they may be right; Application [3]

You say a lot about yourself, but your paragraphs seem a little short and disjointed. What is the prompt of this essay; what is it asking you for? I would explain more about why you want to study abroad. What do you want to learn in the UK? How will studying there help you become a doctor? Why do you want to become a doctor?

I am an inquisitive and down-to-earth person. I am very sociable and quite easy to get along with. I have many friends. I am very determined. I do whatever it takes to reach my goal. If you give me a chance, I can assure you that I will do my best to be successful with your program.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

You can use either one of the sentences and you don't need the other one.

Ex. "The woman was the bridegroom's sister." or "The bridegroom was the woman's brother."

Undergraduate / Skidmore cares for its students; Transfer-Skidmore/ Academic+Personal Goals [6]

dumi
She's probably referring to the academic major she will pursue a degree for in college.

Maybe "studying my major hands-on" would be a little clearer?

Graduate / Essay on Master studies in BioMechanical Design at the TU Delft [3]

Overall, I think this draft is very good content-wise. Most of your information is relevant and your language is eloquent and formal as far as I'm concerned. The only thing is, it's really long. Is there a word limit?

Book Reports / Critical Analysis of True Marriage in "A Doll's House" [5]

I think your essay is very good, but it needs to have more focus. You should pick one general question that Ibsen raises about love or marriage and focus on only that question throughout your essay. Also, are you analyzing their personalities or their relationships? You have some of both, but you need to pick one and stick with it.