Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Problems and solutions for regional unbalance? [14]

Experts :) Here is my essay :) Could you review and rate (if possible) for me? Thanks a lot :)

Topic: In recent years, some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. This has resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the countryside.

This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole.
What are these problems?
How might they be reduced?
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For the last decade, some nations have grown out of crisis and thrived to be prosperous. This is significantly reflected in higher living standard in some cities while the miserable conditions in rural areas still remain unchanged. As a country in which this issue is still dominant, it may suffer from some problematic aftereffects which call for some viable solutions.

Economically speaking, a country may be susceptible to an unstable economic growth as long as the regional unbalance exists. While the commercial dynamism in urban areas contribute largely to the domestic budget, the countryside is weighing it down. More precisely, the government still has to allot quite a fortune to resolve sub-human conditions in such area, which include poverty, famine, epidemics and illiteracy. In other word, the national money flows in a vicious circle, which neither helps it grow nor brings it down.

From the political perspective, the country may also suffer chaotic situations, when citizens in the countryside launch campaigns to demand equality. Unsatisfactory with the disparities between people who share the same nation, the residents may overthrow the authority, vandalize or worse, stop working to provide profits. Therefore, the nation will lose its credibility on the global scale, followed by the demolished partnerships with some neighbors.

To solve this problem, initially, the government should pay more attention to the suburb. By diverting inward investment to this area, or phasing in high-technology industry, the power-holder may help the countryside be on par with modern cities. So long as living standard gap is minimized, the issue is somehow tackled.

To sum up, differences in regional standard of living are the main cause of slow economic rise and political turmoil. It is the responsibility of the government to assure money-making centres are distributed equally everywhere, if they want to reduce these problems.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Keeping pets is good or not? Discuss both views? Personal opinion? [8]

Experts :) Please help me correct and rate (if possible) my essay :) Thanks beforehand :)

Topic: Too much attention is paid to and too much money is spent on keeping pets, while people throughout the world are starving.
Discuss the arguments for and against keeping pets.
To what extent do you agree?
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Since the dawn of history, humans have adopted animals for many purposes, one of which is to befriend them. As the world develops, the relationship between humans and pets become stronger. This has embarked contradictory opinions whether keeping pets are burning our time and money or not. This essay will make the case for both sides before a personal viewpoint is reached.

There is no doubt that pets deserve attention for the benefits they bring. Many people regard pets as their second best friends who enrich their spiritual life and help them when needed. The elderly, for example, love pets as they enlighten the lonely atmosphere, and more importantly, assist them to cross the street, collect newspaper or even warn the upcoming dangers. Educationally speaking, raising a pet may teach us to be responsible and attentive with which virtue we are going to become a good citizen and parent.

On the flip side of the coin, there are certain disadvantages that may crop up during the up-bringing of a household animal. Apparently, pets cost us quite a fortune in general, form food, drinks to medical treatment, let alone some rare species which demand more than that. For instance, in New York, there is a service which, besides from caring their nails or fur, beautify them with gorgeous costumes to resemble their owners. Of course this kind of service costs no less than thousands of dollars; the sum that should have been donated to feed hungry and painful humans' mouths, not animals'. Similarly, pets like dogs or cats may get us sidetracked from our work or study as long as they keep moaning for a park jogging or food.

To conclude, everyone should own a pet for all the undeniable positivities. Nevertheless, it seems unfair and inhumane to treat animals better than human. From my point of view, we should spend a small proportion to raise a pet, the rest of our budget should be for people with unlucky lives.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Classmates' impacts on children's performance at school [11]

Experts :) Would you mind reviewing my essay :) thanks a lot :)

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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It goes without saying that no pupil can succeed at school unassisted. Their success should be attributed to many different external factors. It is argued that parents who are the closet to children mainly contribute to their accomplishments. However, in my opinion, the classmates should be regarded as the most important influence on individual achievements.

To begin with, the classmates themselves creat a competitive atmoshphere which incent the children. In high school, for instance, an individual cannot resist studying painstakingly through day and night when the others who are astoundingly ambitious and set sights on prestigious universities around the globe are doing the same. From a psychological perspective, the feeling of being subordinate to their peers exert enormous pressure on the children, which subsequently transforms into some sort of stimulants and boosts the children's academic performances.

To add up, when it comes to knowledge and the acquisition of such, classmates are second to none. It is a matter of fact that students share even more time together than with their parents, explaining a great deal of wisdom they absorb from each others; it can be, for example, lessons on the class, social skills or general etiquettes that are sometimes overlooked by parents. Sharing the same age, children are at their most comfort to exchange ideas, to query and interpret abstract concepts without fear of parental punishments, resulting in deeper comprehension.

All advantages considered, classmates are unrivalled by the children's parents as they provide tremendous incentive and horizon expansion, two crucial commodities leading to a successful presentation at school.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] We should opt for customary music rather than worldwide one [7]

Experts :) Hope you guys can review my essays and rate (if possible) :D

Topic: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

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Along with other human's inventions, music was born quite early yet still survives untill this day and age. From simple sounds created by human using daily tools and their voice, music has developed into a myriad of kinds nowadays, which fall for two categories: traditional music and international music. This essay will come clean about the importance of general music, followed by explanations for a greater role of classical music compared to the other one.

To begin, music serves as means of entertainment and education. Apparently, when people confront ups and downs in their life, music is always a loyal companion to soothe our feelings, to share mistress and sorrow or to multiply blissful happiness. In other words, music is unrivalled when it comes to enriching our spiritual life. From the academic perspective, consisted of words and rythme, music helps people learn languages more rapidly with relxation. According to many researchs, if children are exposed to music, especially classical one, their IQ and EQ will increase significantly which mark music as an indirect tool of education.

In terms of music, traditional songs have always been of greater importance than international ones. Most classical composers went to great length to tell the audiences about either our glorious pasts or the national cultures. Meanwhile, sons written to entertain global people are often full of ear-catching but meaningless words. For instance, hardly do any national songs not teach us about altruism, bravery and compatriotism, while most market songs such as K-pop ones, for instance the "Gentle man", only shows how to be a bad man (?!)

To conclude, music plays an indispensable role in our life as an emotional and witty friend from whom we can learn and put ourselves at ease. However, we should opt for customary music rather than worldwide one due to the meaningful lessons it conveys.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Should parents be obliged to immunize their vulnerable children? [6]

Hello everyone :) Could you please help me review and rate this essay? Thanks a lot :)

Topic: Should parents be obliged to immunize their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children?

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Children are vulnerable. The fact that they are susceptible to serious diseases calls for very meticulous healthcare. While many people believe that it is up to parents to decide whether their children may have access to disease immunization, I strongly believe that the parents are compelled to have their children injected and protected from common illnesses.

It is said that prevention is always better than cure, both economically and biologically. In this case, if the parents immunize their children against popular childhood illnesses, they might save a fortune to fight them off subsequently. In addition, such communicable diseases may take a toll on children whose immune systems are fragile due to necessary vacination shortage. For example, in Vietnam, many adults restrained from bringing their children to clinic for injections which results in almost a hundred deaths caused by Rubella Virus. Thereby, infants must be immunized as soon as possible.

Another reason that the grown-ups are bound to have their children shielded from diseases is merely the fact that children are the national future. From an anthropological point of view, healthy offsprings will lead a strong and sustainable community, lessening the chance of extinction. Furthermore, standing from the view of an economist, well-nourished and energetic generations will assure a constant financial escalation, which is enabled by well-rounded protection since childhood. Africa in the past, for instance, could never thrive to be prosperous despite its enormous resources only on the ground that thousands of children died each year due to a lack of medical treatment.

To conclude, immunizing children against regular illness should be regarded as a mission for adults. By doing so, they can not only benefit themselves but the nation's iminent development is also secured.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] The new fashion in having careers [3]

Hi everyone :) Can you guys help me with this one? It is from my IELTS book and I don't know how to approach this one properly. It only states 2 sentences and nothing more like "agree or disagree" or "discuss both sides", so I find it a bit difficult. Also I find this one quite hard to comprehend, especially the terms: "further education is something that continues throughout life". Hope you guys can help me :) Thanks beforehand :D

Topic: The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashion one. The new fashion will be to have several careers or ways of earning money and further education will be something that continues throughout life.

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Humans are never satisfied with their accomplishments. This is clearly mirrored in a continous trend towards an increase in the income. Since the notion of having only one career soon fell out of fashion, people have been making for multi-vocation life or ways to improve their salaries, which is prior to education.

As the world never stays still, a single job has started to lose its popularity. Bearing in mind that working for one employer is rewarded with considerably small earnings, people turn out to seek more jobs to make ends meet or to soothe their aspiration to higher living standards. Psychologically speaking, people are easily affected by their peers, especially colleages or neighbors, due to envy or the fear of falling behind. That is another reason why this job-hunting trend has drawn humans' attention from a sole profession.

When it comes to the simultaneous commitment in various careers or ways to earn money, people often sacrifice education as a second-ranked neccessity hence it will continue throughout their life. People have to focus on fulfilling an array of tasks in a day so as not to be sacked or penalized, therefore incompulsory studies always receive less time and attention. For example, some students want to start up their own businesses at an early age, explaining their choices in part-time studies (especially night courses) rather than full-time ones. As for the adults who are engaged in, quite often, both business and sports, they also choose to spend little time everyday to consolidat their spheres of knowledge which are not adequate because of time occupation.

In conclusion, the number of people driven by materialistic value or sense of fulfilment is today on and upward trend. This is the main cause to education delays or a lifelong piecemeal one.