Writing Feedback / Small community environment prevents loneliness and social isolation [4]

Le, your opening statement does not function in the manner that it is supposed to within the essay. The opening statement should give the reader a summary of the prompt, along with the two sides your are expected to discuss, with a reference to your opinion at the end of it. I do not see any of that represented in this opening statement. As such, the way you developed the paragraph doesn't really work in terms of introducing your ability to think, paraphrase, and create a logical foundation for a discussion within your essay. It did not strengthen the succeeding paragraphs of the essay, it weakened it. The introduction is one of the most important considerations when grading the paper, so make sure to utilize it properly. It could spell a higher, or failing score in the end.

Your discussion paragraphs need to be better justified and discussed. There is a sense of urgency int he way you discussed the paragraphs. Almost as if you were watching the clock more than concentrating on the development of the essay. If you keep watching the clock, you will end up with this kind of essay during the actual test. An essay that has the potential to be very good, but ends up becoming very bad because the writer was distracted while developing the discussion.

Graduate / Essay about my aspiration to study MS in Simulation Science ( focussing only on technical skills ) [10]

Robert, you need to drop the first line in your essay that explains what the essay will be discussing. The reviewer already knows what the topic is because he has a copy of the prompt. It is a really unnecessary line that your essay can do without. Rather than keeping that set of lines, work on rephrasing your next paragraph instead. Give it a more interesting hook to start off your essay. Make sure to reel in the interest of the reviewer. Telling the reviewer that you will be discussing something in order to prove something is not the way to do that. Those lines are holding back your essay so you must get rid of it.

Since you are focusing the essay on a depiction of your technical skills, I believe that you can skip the following paragraph in its entirety as well:

The course Simulation science which is offered by RWTH Aachen appealed to me...Further, the close relationship between RWTH Aachen and German research ...

The reason that you can skip that is because you are just repeating well known information that the reviewer is more than familiar with. When I read the essay without the reference to that paragraph, I found that it came across in a more informative and interesting manner. There was nothing to take the attention away from learning more about your skills and how it relates to your interest in studying at this university. Would you like to give my suggestion a try? Let me know if it works for you :-)

Graduate / Trying to find the right tone for MPA essay on disability. [4]

AS, the only way that I can see to deduct 100 words from this essay would be to somehow combine your sentiments in your last two paragraphs. I would not dream of reducing the information that you have in the earlier paragraphs because those are quite important in showing your academic success and how you achieved it. Most specially, it shows your determination and ability to succeed under the most extreme circumstances. So, I think that the parts you should combine are as follows:

I believe that my combination of academic success and the determination I've found through my struggles will allow me to succeed at insertschoolhere. My circumstances have taught me that you only get a few chances in life, and you have to make the most of them.The "Social Policy" specialization would help me address the core issues that the disabled suffer, such as poverty and lack of health care....

You don't really need a two paragraph conclusion for the essay. It is very possible to combine your response to the last two questions in a single paragraph. Whenever possible, and when faced with a word limitation, it is important to do exactly that. Please let me know if the combined paragraph reduced the word count by 100 words. Perhaps you will need to paraphrase the conclusion to make it work better. If you find yourself facing a brick wall, I will try to see where else we can reduce the word count.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 essay: the responsibility of rich countries for helping the poorer nations [2]

Long, keep in mind that in the format of an academic essay, the opening paragraph must always include your personal opinion when required by the prompt. That is not an opinion that should be placed at the end of the first paragraph. The furthest it can be located is at the end of the first paragraph, prior to your transition sentence into the second paragraph.

You also need to take ownership of your opinion in the essay. That is , if you are not discussing the opinions of other people prior to your own opinion. As for your conclusion, The first few lines were in line with the proper conclusion of the prompt. Then you wrote this confusing line :

It seems that rich people should help poor people, which is a dimession to tend to more justice.

I am not sure what you mean by dimession, and how that can lead to more justice. I think you did not develop that line of reasoning properly. Please clarify it and revise the sentence or paragraph accordingly. Keep in mind that when your essay does not make sense at any point, you can lose some major points in the final grading.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: The percentage of teachers recruitment by year of graduation in Ontario [5]

you have a very good grasp of the chart information. You were able to properly depict the information in the essay report. Your sentence structure is not too complicated, but not too simple either. let's say that you have a moderately advanced use of the English language. This is what led to your stronger essay report. The confidence in your writing is evident.

... about THE selection of English and French teachers ... the THEIR graduation year from 2001 to 2007, COVERING a six-year period ... groups had narrowed down in 2001, whereas it showed the A large difference in AT the end of THE period.

... English had the A similar number with THE France... at approximately a half of the previous proportion.... French teachers witnessed SHOWED a fluctuation, at over 50% and BUT below 70% ...

... reached a peak at OF 75%, ... chosen as English teachers in AT the end of THE time frame since...

Essays / How to create a meaningful introduction regarding an application essay to a research program [8]

Elena, remove the whole first paragraph. It is not really relevant to the questions that you are being asked to respond to and just confuses the information in the paper. Please keep in mind that when you are asked to write a paper based upon a specific set of questions, you are to write your responses in essay form, but in the order that it was asked in the questionnaire as the reviewer will expect to read the answers in the same chronological order.

That said, your paper is right on the mark in terms of responding to the questions listed. That is why you do not need the introductory paragraph that you have at the moment. Bringing your reviewer's attention directly to your answers will keep him interested in reading what you have to say.

In addition to that, you don't need to introduce the foundation of your interest in your field of study either. The first two paragraphs, which are nothing more than just fluff meant to make your essay longer than it should be, is expendable. That means the paper will not be affected even after you remove the first two paragraphs. Your responses to the questions do not actually start until after that. So you should just concentrate on writing a more fluid introduction to the first question you will be responding to. Then create applicable transition sentences in order to create a smooth flowing essay.

Writing Feedback / I have always believed that hard work is the key to success - TOEFL independent essay [4]

As usual, you continue to show remarkable improvement with every essay that you write. I assure you that your score is improving as well. You are scoring way above the passing band score at this point. Your use of the English language is becoming more fluid, although the language is still not as proper as it should be. Make sure to use the correct word tense of the information you are giving. If it has already happened in the past, then be consistent with using the past tense version of the reference words in that paragraph.

The logic in your discussion is quite evident and self -explanatory at times. The discussion uses easily understandable and almost everyday occurrences to illustrate your point. Both of which show a clear understanding of the prompt requirements and your knowledge of pop culture. These combined positive points are what help you consistently write strong essays.

Grammar problems aside, the essays are very well thought out, presented, and supported. Just make sure to continue reviewing tense usage and developing your vocabulary. You need to have an advanced writing style in regards to your sentence development before you take the test in order to ensure the highest possible score for yourself in this section.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Smoking should be illegal. [5]

Genteel, all of the reasons that you presented are reasons as to why smoking should be illegal. There is nothing in your argument that dictates that smoking should remain legal. Your essay is very flawed in terms of presenting your reasons, supporting facts and conclusion. it would be in your best interest to reconsider your opinion and how you have presented it in the essay. Keep in mind that at the start of the discussion, you state that smoking should be legal but then, towards the end of it, you say that "I hope that in a few years people will understand that smoking has many more bad sides than good." Yet you claim in your final sentence that banning smoking or making it illegal is a very radical step.

Your sense of logic is as confused, as it is flawed. There is nothing in the discussion that will merit a passing score for this essay because you were not able to properly develop a line of reasoning and logic, which could have translated to the written word. It is imperative that you take the time to truly understand the question, outline your possible response, and then develop your response for the essay before you actually write down your opinion. I know it is hard to do because of the time limit.

The time limit is there to help you write faster, but if you cannot properly write the essay, then keeping to the time limit and word count is not helpful to you in the actual test. Make sure that you try to understand the question before you write your next essay. One small misunderstanding of the prompt will definitely result in a failed essay such as this one.

Writing Feedback / Journal on The Ice Master as Bob Bartlett [3]

Samuel, while the essay is well written and you are most welcoming of all instructive criticism, I am not sure how to review this essay. What exactly are you supposed to be writing about? It is important that you always provide us with the complete instructions for your essay work so that we will have an idea as to what to review, take note of, and advice you about in reference to the expectations of your teacher or professor.

My general comment is that this sounds like you are trying to write about an event in the book. Taking on the first person persona of one of the characters. The essay is effective in describing what it happening and how you are feeling. It is a good narrative but does not really have any emotional connection that the reader can attach you while reading your work. Maybe you were supposed to write it this way? I can't really tell at the moment.

It is basically an average narrative that still has room for improvement. The thing is, you need to give us your instructions so that we can help you better develop the content and presentation of the paper :-) I look forward to receiving your instructions.

Essays / How to create a meaningful introduction regarding an application essay to a research program [8]

The first paragraph is supposed to set the tone for your research. Be definite about the question or topic that the essay is going to focus on discussing. "Questions" is too broad a topic and you did not even try to whittle it down to a few or single topic for discussion. The lack of focus in the thesis statement already tells the professor that you have no idea what it is that you want to delve upon in your research.

I came away from your essay thoroughly confused about what it is that you are trying to convey. Are you writing a personal statement? Are you proposing a research topic? Are you applying for a research grant? What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Perhaps you have not provided me with enough information about what you are trying to do in this paper. Which is why I can't figure out what direction it should take. Do you have a prompt requirement you are trying to respond to?

It would be in your best interest to explain to us exactly what this program is about, what you are trying to accomplish with this paper, and if there are certain requirements that you have to fulfill within the essay. That is the only time we can really help you better develop the essay.

Writing Feedback / A rule of the same percentage of male and female learners in a school shouldn't apply - it's harmful [6]

Your introduction is flawed in the sense that you do not accurately restate the prompt. You should have given some inclination as to why some people might agree or disagree with the statement first. Then, when it came to your own opinion, you should have indicated the degree of your opinion in the last sentence. These would have formed the topic discussions for your succeeding paragraphs. The formation of the sentences would have also lengthened the introduction and allow for the proper introduction of the topic statement.

Nour was right in pointing out the briefness of your conclusion. It does not properly wrap up the essay because you merely restate your opinion at the end. The conclusion always requires a summary of the discussion prior to your opinion restatement in order to form a valid conclusion.

Your personal opinion is also missing as a stand alone statement, which is required in the essay. Your opinion can never be a single sentence in the short conclusion because you are supposed to prove your sense of logic and accurately defend your opinion in English. Both of which are hugely important grading factors in the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Why do we need music? [5]

You inverted your discussion of the essay. While A premium amount of discussion should have been reserved for the question:
Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays? If you notice, there are two questions asked in the prompt that you should concentrate on. That is:

1. The importance of music on general terms
2. The reasons why traditional music is more important than the international music being played in the country.

As such. you should have developed two stand alone paragraphs that relate to these two questions instead of the singular discussion that you have which is not as prompt responsive as you think it is. You concentrated your response on international music rather than focusing on a general discussion of music importance. Then the most important question was relegated to only a few sentences at the end of the essay. That is not how this was supposed to be written.

So, with the improper discussion and wrong formatting of the essay, I don't believe that this essay would have gotten a passing score in an actual test. I suggest that you try to revise the essay based upon my suggestions first.

Letters / Motivation letter for Norwegian Language Course in Volda University Collage [3]

elena, as you describe your interest in learning about Nyorsk, you should always remember to relate it to the fact that you wish to pursue a masters degree at a Norwegian university. That way you begin to show the foundation that you are creating for your eventual migration to Norway. When you start with the academic level of interest, your reason for pursuing advanced language studies makes more sense. You don't really portray much of that reasoning in the essay. The first part talks about information that the reviewer already knows about the level of need for employment in their country. So that doesn't really help the essay along.

Aside from that, you should proof-read the essay for capitalization issues and structure errors in your sentences. Right now, you are still in the draft stage so the contents of the essay will still change as you write it. However, it is always best to practice self-editing as you go along so that you don't have a lot of editing to do towards the end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Many people watch television and movies on a daily basis. This can affect their behavior. How? [2]

The discussion is strong. Your word choice is improving, although I would like to see more complex word usage and sentence structures in the future. Are you still writing under time constraint? It doesn't show anymore. I do believe you are getting used to writing under time pressure and will continue to improve at an even faster pace :-)

... Television and movies have BOTH positive and negative impacts on people's behavior. I BELIEVE THAT EXAMPLES OF THESE BEHAVIOR CAN EASILY BE SEEN IN PEOPLE THROUGH THEIR ACTIONS.

... to be like films heroes of IN the films they watch. ...

...Action and horror movies, that WHICH contain a lot of scenes of blood AND GORE, ... , they will UNCONSCIOUSLY try to be like them. For instance, my neighbor who is a fan of action movies likes violence and always hits his peers at school.

-Relate the discussion to bullying if you can.

By a way of conclusion, THESE ARE THE REASONS WHY i BELIEVE THAT movies and television... They can implement good morals JUST as they can spread violence and hate...

Writing Feedback / The number of species extinctions in tropical forests shows an upward trend [3]

The writing style is improving. The language use is slowly becoming more complex and your thought patterns are much clearer now. Always aim to deliver information to your next reader in the same what that you did in this essay. That way you can better build your vocabulary and practice more complex sentence development.

Undergraduate / Brief Personal Statement - In 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU. [4]

Jared, when you find yourself staring at a brick wall in terms of the word limitation, you don't try to work around it, you just barrel through and write everything that you need to write. Forget the word count. the only way you can develop the correct content for your essay, is by defying the word count during the draft writing stages. Write everything that you feel will be a part of the best kind of essay that you can develop. Then review the essay a number of times until you finally have it edited down to the maximum word count.

You can't really expect to indicate the important reasons within your first version. Just write down all of the reasons that you chose VCU and then post the extra long essay here. I'll review the essay and then make recommendations about which parts you can cut and combine in order to better meet the word count.

Don't expect to meet the word count immediately. You will find that it is much easier to meet the word count when you don't meet the maximum count in the first place :-)

Writing Feedback / Small society was the most favorite place for living but now inhabitants move to the vast cities [2]

Time being changes the people'S habits. Although A small society had CAN become the most... prior times THE PAST, ... the vast cities for TO settle. This circumstance has brought PRODICED several meritS and demeritS. As such, staying LIVING WITH in a small group of people invent CREATES a close-knit ...

... between each humanS had helped them to survive ... In by gone era THE PAST, mankind competed with wild animalS, rough weather, AND diseases, and others . Due to alive SINCE MAN LIVED in a small groups, helped THEY HELPED them to assist each other IN TERMS OF necessities. Repair OF the A damaged road or constructING the houses as a community ... social work is the best matter RESULT that you can get ...

Secondly, insufficient health clinicS makes CREATES A certain issue. It is have MUST NOT HAVE deficient facilities IN ORDER to ensure all of the villagerS healthiness . This problem is aggravated with BY the distance of eligible hospitalS which locates LOCATED in the town. ... obtains A critical injury would be late for the medication RECEIVE DELAYED MEDICAL ATTENTION.

The aforementioned evidence shows that drawbacks of settle in small community outweigh the advantage OF LIVING IN one. If possible, the villagers SHOULD move to the nearest city in order to increase their living FINANCIAL OPPORTUNITIES.

You need to add a proper closing paragraph. You can't discuss a new idea within a closing paragraph. The essay doesn't portray the current conclusion as such in its format and set up so you can still improve upon it.

Writing Feedback / The replacement of traditional foods with junk eating from other countries brings a negative impact [5]

Le, your introduction needs to deliver the 3 sentence minimum requirement in order to be considered a complete and informative opening paragraph. the proper introduction contains the following information:

1. The restated prompt.
2. The instruction for discussing the essay. In this case, you should indicate that there are 2 points of view being provided by the public. Then indicate the agreement and disagreement implications of the prompt.

3. Your opinion.

The reason you need to present these 3 pieces of information is because the opening paragraph highlights your English comprehension skills, which is a large part of the final score. So you have to prove your ability to understand the discussion at the very beginning of the essay because your passing score depends on it. Since the one that you wrote is incomplete and very short, points will be taken away instead of being increased.

Now, the essay indicates: To what extent do youagree or disagree?. I am asking you discuss the side that you do not support also because by presenting the disagreeing side, you can explain why their reasoning is wrong and in the process, make your supported side develop more sense and logic, thus making it sound more correct and proper than the opposing side.

However, you are right that you do not always had to discuss the opposing side. but if your essay will be less than 3 paragraphs long, you need to be creative and still discuss something related to the prompt which will lengthen the essay. Sometimes, the best way to do that is by discussing the opposing side as well.

Writing Feedback / In order to work in a productive atmosphere, co-workers must have some specific characteristics. [4]

Nour, you should not have any worries about the way that you are developing your English writing skills. Like I said in a previous response to your work. you have the potential to become a very cohesive and logical English writer. This essay proves that point. Your work in this essay is such a far cry from the very first essay that you wrote that I found myself wondering if you and the person who wrote the other essay were one and the same person. I even had to double check the name of the OP just to be sure :-)

The reasons that you provided, which are based upon personal experience, are sure to garner you impressive points in an actual test. Such examples show a clear understanding of the prompt and its applicability to the explanation that you have provided. Excellent work! I have a feeling that you will continue to improve over time and that you will also continue to develop your vocabulary skills. this essay shows a moderate use of semi complex English words, the sentence devices you used were slightly advanced, and you managed to come across as a moderately advanced English user. So your score for this essay is sure to be around or above the passing score :-)

Writing Feedback / Link of the world: iPhone from birth to death Nowadays, with the development of industry and technol [2]

What exactly is the central topic of this research paper? What are you trying to discuss and present to the public? the information in your paper is all mixed up. There is a reference to current technology, then a reference to world history based upon the countries involved in the making of cellphone parts, then there are references to how people cannot live without their phones... The discussion is just all over the place at the moment and doesn't make any sense.

I suggest that you first pick a solid theme or direction of discussion for your research paper first. Outline the topics that you want to discuss after you have developed your thesis statement. Don't delve into any history of the country that does not relate to your thesis prompt. That confuses the central theme of your paper. Everything has to relate and connect in a smooth manner when informing the reader.

At this point, you have a good draft that you can use to pick out your thesis statement and possible discussion topics from. It is not however, useful as a research paper that you will be submitting for a grade. Your professor will most likely have you revise this paper due to the numerous discussion problems it entails.

Undergraduate / Brief Personal Statement - In 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU. [4]

Jared, you have given very impressive information about yourself and the educational progression that you seek in the first half of the essay. I don't think that you need to mention the educational detour that you took int he second paragraph. It is not as important as the fact that you decided to enroll in college as an Electrical Engineering major instead. Stick to the shortest and quickest, but still most informative way of introducing yourself to the reviewer. Save the word count for the other important part, which is why you decided to enroll in VCU.

Your reasons for opting for VCU are very general. The description you gave for your choice could have described any number of universities that you have considered. There is a clear lack of personal consideration and reflection in the way that you discussed your decision to attend VCU. I suggest that you try to create an image in the mind of the reviewer about the personal reasons you chose the university. Discuss specific academic accomplishments you know the university can help you achieve. Portray the kind of student life that you hope to participate in at VCU. Explain how you can develop your professional and character traits while attending the university. Those are some of the more considerable reasons that you can present to justify your choice of university.

Letters / Banking and Capital Markets Traineeship: Motivation for the department [2]

The first thing you should consider are the job requirements for the department that you wish to join. What is the position that you are applying for? How does it relate to your academic and immediate professional background? These are aspects that you have to consider as part of your motivation for applying to become a part of a certain banking department.

Your motivation for joining the bank as a trainee should be justified by your interest in the specific trainee program that you wish to join. Do a little background check on the bank and the program. Discover what it is about the program that you feel relates directly to your interest in European banking and capital markets. Then, explain how the trainee program will actually help you develop the skills necessary to prepare you for the financial world you wish to join in the future.

There is no need to repeat the information about your academic background. That is information that the bank will want to confirm for themselves. Keep your attention on strengthening your application by indicating the skills that you developed as a student which you feel set you apart from other trainee applicants. Make them understand that you don't plan on being there just to fetch their coffee and deliver the mail. Right now, these aspects of your application remain unclear.

Writing Feedback / The replacement of traditional foods with junk eating from other countries brings a negative impact [5]

Le, there is a particular format that you have to follow when discussing an IELTS essay of this type. The basic format for the essay is an introduction, at least 2 bodies of paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each part should be composed of no less than 3 sentences, no more than 5 sentences maximum. The content of the parts are as follows:

Introduction - Restate the prompt, offer the points of view to be discussed, then in the last sentence, indicate your point of view. In this case of this essay, you should indicate your point of view in the following manner "I tend to agree/disagree (pick one) to a certain extent with this statement for reasons I will be discussing below."

1st body-The side that you do not support .
2nd body - The side that you support.
3rd body - Additional discussion
Conclusion - Summary of the previous discussion.

Now, in this particular essay, the correct line of response is the part where you state:

... traditional foods reflect traditional culture of each nation, ... ... the young generation will be unfamiliar ...

That line should be the whole basis of your essay, from the restated prompt to your personal opinion. I suggest that you revise the essay to reflect the proper discussion format as indicated above.

Writing Feedback / Air Circulation System and Heat Depletion Process in The House [2]

The grammar problems in the essay are a bit hard to ignore in this essay. However, I fully expect you to improve in this aspect over the next few essays. Try to concentrate on creating more fluid sentences that use a slightly higher level of vocabulary in order to prepare yourself for the more difficult topics for reporting and discussion that are to come.

... illustrates the air circulation which occurs in A 2-floorshousing HOUSE. ...mostly comes IN through the ... while CAUSING the high temperature is TO cool off ...

... of two different processES... the heat depletion. DISSIPATION. he air generally coming COMES IN from the ... ... outletS extends the path... air leaking LEAKS into the house. Meanwhile, in the downstairs, ... seeps IN through THE dryer ... gap on N the basement...

... outside breaks through ENTERS the house,... It passes by THROUGH the ceiling ... , the thermal ENERGY will be IS exchanged by the refreshing REPLACED BY FRESH air.

Graduate / Essay about my aspiration to study MS in Simulation Science ( focussing only on technical skills ) [10]

I am sorry if I confused you :-) What I meant to say was that your concluding paragraph is too nice, informative, and strong to be used at the end of the essay. I would like you to use that statement at the beginning of the essay instead. Make it your opening paragraph or first paragraph instead. It will be made even stronger by the revisions that I have suggested you do to it.

Please don't hesitate to ask me any questions if you feel the need to do so. Sometimes revising the essay can be a confusing thing and asking questions will be the only way that you can really sort out what it is that you have to do in order to improve the essay. What I will do in my end is try to clarify the points for you and maybe, offer you examples of how to do certain things if you feel that you cannot do it or maybe, you need to see an example of how to do the change that is being suggested :-)

Graduate / Essay about my aspiration to study MS in Simulation Science ( focussing only on technical skills ) [10]

Robert, this certainly makes things much easier to work on :-) What I would like you to do at the moment is follow the instructions that I gave you in my previous response. Work on revising the essay in that manner that I suggested in order to better create an opinion of your ability as a future masters degree student. I hope you won't mind, but I have an additional suggestion that I hope will better strengthen your concluding paragraph, which I am suggesting that you turn into your opening paragraph at the moment.

I suggest that you remove the portion that indicates the following line:

I am eager to gain new experiences, and, in my opinion, this program is the best way to achieve that. I am positive that RWTH Aachen and especially the M.Sc. Simulation Science would be the ideal platform jumpstart my career in the right direction.

The reason that I want this removed is because you are more than capable of delivering this claim through your indicated technical skills in the essay. Your explanation as to the purpose of your study is also more than sufficient at this point so including this line in the paragraph just makes it redundant. I tried reviewing the essay with the aforementioned line removed and I found that the essay became stronger without it. Of course that is just my opinion and you may have other views on the matter so just let me know. I will work with you on it :-)

Graduate / Essay about my aspiration to study MS in Simulation Science ( focussing only on technical skills ) [10]

Robert, don't confuse the discussion by suddenly presenting a discussion about biomedical engineering as your elective course. That is not a necessary part of a statement of purpose. In fact, it deviates from the discussion because it removes the focus of the essay from your major discussion to a minor topic that, at this point, is irrelevant to your statement of purpose.

While this is a better version from the first draft, I am still searching for the actual purpose of your application. Please tell me if you have worked professionally in a related field yet or not. I need to know that information so that I can help you better develop your purpose for study in this essay. If you lack the professional experience which could have given you a direction and purpose for this advanced study, then I suggest that you use your current concluding statement as your purpose paragraph instead. Properly edited, yo can easily imply that those are the reasons for your desire for higher study.

I'll be waiting for your response. After I hear from you, I will give you more instructions as to how you can better revise the prompt to work for your benefit. I hope you won't mind working on another version :-)

Writing Feedback / Different household spending during 60 years [4]

Hadi, this is thorough explanation of the information you were provided with. There were only insignificant grammatical changes to be made in order to make it smoother to read. You did a very good job in terms of explaining the chart contents. In your next practice test, make sure to try a more advance English word usage. While your vocabulary is acceptable a the moment, you need to try using more advanced devices in order to prove a heightened grasp of the English language.

...percentage OF household... illustrated in THE pie charts. At first glance, it is inevitable that there were significant changeS in the ...household spending at IN several...Moving ON to MORE detailed analysis,... 60-year period, AND stood at 72.1% in 1950 and fell extremely FALLING TO around a half at 22 percent... transportation expenditure EXPENSES showed a rise AN INCREASE OF around ... 19.2% of THE increase is presented by other sectors over that THE SAME period.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - A TECHNOLOGY FOR PRODUCING ELECTRICITY FROM WIND - provided in the diagram [2]

... illustrates a technology for... more energy from wind ELECTRICITY IN THE PROCESS. In general, getting more electricity via wind will be more effective if structure and location are considered.

...The first part is ARE ... Virtually THE WIND GENERATED CAN CREATE 1.5 megawatts electricity is generated by a THROUGH A generator. ... of THE blades, the wind sensor measures THE speed and direction of THE wind... Also THEN, the direction ...

... electricity is ARE the optimum locations. ...to keep the landscape INTACT. However OR, the turbine should COULD be planted on the A hill to produce THE maximum result. ...produce 100 kilowatts OF electricity and generates a house.

- I'm not sure what you mean by generates a house. do you mean " Generates enough power to run a house" ?

Writing Feedback / Generating electricity from wind turbine - IELTS [2]

So far the only problem of your essay has to do with sentence structure. There are problems with your developed of completed thoughts, which results in words that are often missing word connectors. Aside from that, you don't really have any real problems with the way you write and depicted the essay diagram. You were able to properly explain everything in the diagram.

... illustrate a piece of technology for... ... consists of A steel tower, blades... it requires A high location for reaching much TOP gusts of wind.

... the wind blows ONTO the blades. .. produces lots of energy. At the same time, THE wind sensor detects ... This data will be IS analyzed by ... power which are produced will be collected in THE generator, AT about 1,5 megawatts.

... The first place is inthe bottom of BELOW sea LEVEL which WITH approximately a third of THE tower is in the water. ... near from A house; the THIS turbine is called A domestic turbine. ... mountain as it provides the strongest toots FOOTHOLD FOR THE TURBINE STEEL TRESSES, so the electricity which is resulted PRODUCED also has the largest quantity CAPACITY.

Undergraduate / Nursing school admissions essay - why a career in the healthcare industry? [2]

Alissa, your essay is disjointed in terms of discussion. There are paragraphs that could relate to explaining why you desire a career in healthcare, and there are some essays that make one wonder why you decided that you had to mention that. When you are asked a specific question about why, you can't suddenly throw in an answer like ;

My mother suggested at I go to USC the Business College.

Without explaining how it relates to your decision to enroll in Medical Administration. What is your background? Why did you decide to enroll in something related to healthcare right off the bat? What were your early influences? Maybe a sick relative? Television shows you watched? Your own illness? Then why Medical Administration first?

Then you go on to say:

My fellow medical assistant had just completed her nursing program and passed her boards to become an RN.

If the influence of the person does not have a direct relation in terms of inspiring your desire to enter the field even deeper, and I mean a direct, explainable relationship in the essay, then it should not be in there.

Then you have this mention as well;

My passion has always been to help people, as a nurse I will continue to do that on a daily basis.

This will make better sense if you can show the progression as to why you would want to leave the backroom of the healthcare field that you are working in now in favor of a front-line occupation. That will be the point where you actually present a very direct and relevant development of your decision to choose a career in the healthcare field.

Writing Feedback / Housing, food, health care, education, transportation and other needs in a country [2]

Good work on presenting the facts of the pie charts. Remember, you have to double check the kind of chart being used and describe it properly to the reader. You just need to practice using varied words that mean the same thing, as in the case of "expenditure" in order to show a wider English vocabulary and a better developed thought process in the essay. These will ensure a higher grade consideration for you in the actual test.

... of the expenses made in ON housing, food, health care... between THE YEARS OF 1950 to 2010 is ARE illustrated in the bar PIE charts... proportion of consuming food FOOD EXPENSES dominated... highest expenditure was experienced by ON housing, the percentage of health care EXPENSES showed ... in consuming food. FOOD PURCHASE...However, people's expenditure in SPENDING ON housing decreased to only 22% while the expenditure MONEY SPENT ON for food ...

Writing Feedback / The percentage of unemployment rates among women in several countries of the United Kingdom [3]

There were very minimal errors in this essay. The mistakes you made were not enough to make a direct impact upon your final score are you presented highly accurate and informative information in the essay. Each paragraph is well developed and takes into consideration the fact that the reader would not have had access to the chart and therefore, needed a truly detailed analysis of all the information presented. Excellent work. I am sure this would have gotten a passing score in an actual setting.

... is ARE illustrated in the bar chart... that THE decreased female unemployment rate... by Scottish SCOTLAND in 2014, ... Northern Ireland showed a reverse THE OPPOSITE... However, there THIS decreased... Afterwards, there THIS increased to 6.7% women... Irish WOMEN were ... Following FOLLOWED by the percentage... experienced in Wales at 5.4% . ...

Writing Feedback / A description of the number of visitor utilizing three main airports in New York City [2]

... number of visitorS utilizing THE three main airports ... period OF 1995 to 2000 , calculated by THE million passengers... in THE bar chart. ...airport become WAS a favorite airport WHEN COMPARED TO than others. How ever HOWEVER, John F. Kennedy airport is the only one airport which decreasing smoothly during WITH DECREASING USE FROM 1998 to 1999.

Moving to A more detail analyze DETAILED ANALYSIS, In 2000 , All of airport ALL AIRPORTS in New York City were HAD higher traveller TRAVELER TRAFFIC than the others years period PREVIOUS YEARS. How ever HOWEVER, the visitorS using ... had traveller at less than 70 millions passengers... and Itwas highest that Compared THE HIGHEST VISITOR COUNT OF ALL YEARS AMONG OTHER AIRPORTS in all years period and others airport .

... All all of the airportS in New y York City ... then other PREVIOUS years. And then, The number of Visitor in all Airport increased smoothly THE NUMBER OF AIRPORT VISITORS INCREASED GRADUALLY FROM during 1995 to 1998 . How Ever However, LaGuardia airport had highest visitors at approximately 35 MILLION, and Newark had lowest P passengers at about 15 B millionsP passengerS.

Please do not be careless when writing your essays. Your lack of interest in writing in the proper manner will result in point deductions. If you do not care to follow the proper grammar and punctuation usage in your essay then you will not pass this test. Only the first letter of every word in a new sentence is capitalized. "However" is one word, not two, and the facts of the report indicate millions of passengers not billions. Make sure your facts are correct. That mistake can also cost you greatly in the final score. In all honesty, I do not see how this essay would pass with all of your mistakes and lack of adherence to grammar rules.

Writing Feedback / Traditional music is more important than other and it should be preserved as an asset. [5]

Mohammad, it is with a note of sadness that I have to tell you that this essay will not score higher than a 5 as an actual essay test. While I can sense that you have tried your best to write the essay properly, you just have too many problem points that have prevented this essay from achieving a passing score.

That said, I am not sure if you will be ready to take the IELTS test in a weeks time. It seems to me like you need at least another month of practice tests before you are anywhere near ready. Please concentrate on the following points of improvement for your next practice essay:

1. Pay attention to your essay formatting. Each paragraph should have a maximum of 5 sentences. Your introduction needs to have a clear overview of the topics to be discussed and how you plan to approach the discussion. Do not forget to mention your opinion within the paragraph as well.

2. Try to make your paragraphs more understandable by grouping your discussion and using only the most important points that you know you will be able to discuss and present valid supporting facts for. All of your current paragraphs are under developed and lack supporting features.

3. Aim to use a more advanced English vocabulary. Currently, your ability is a little less than basic and prevents you from actually developing your line of reasoning in a usable and understandable manner.

What I have listed above are the problem points of your essay which I believe have caused you to get a low score. If you will manage to somehow improve those points within the week, then maybe we can get you a fighting chance in passing the test. I wish you the best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Some people believe that to effort the healthy lifestyle in advanced era is extremely hard [3]

Dini, you need to make sure that you always present the correct paragraph format to the reader. This means, that your introduction, body of paragraphs, and conclusion should not have less than 3 sentences each. As you can see from your current essay, your introduction and conclusion have less than the required number of sentences. So that automatically means that you were not able to show off your English writing skills and English thinking ability in the best manner to the reader. the longer your paragraph in terms of sentences, the more you can prove your English expertise / level of use to the reader.

Your discussion is flawed because you mention sports as a form of simple exercise that busy people can do. Keep in mind that these busy people are always working and barely have the time to eat healthily. So by asking them to engage in sports such as jogging and basketball, or any sport that requires them to go to a venue, change their clothes, and prepare for participation, goes directly against your opinion that these exercises are easy to do for busy people.

The main discussion of this essay should be the value of time in the lives of people and why the lack of it makes it difficult for them to lead healthy lifestyles. Try to think of how you can discuss the essay along those lines and then get back to us with a better developed and more relevant response to the essay prompt :-)

Writing Feedback / The level of exercise and absenteeism in a giant company in 2012 - bar and table chart [2]

Pay attention to your plural and singular word usage. Make use of connector words whenever necessary. Your essay would be much better if you remembered to refer to all facts and figures in the past tense since these are pieces of information that have been taken from previously collected data.

... for EMPLOYEE PARTICIPATION IN exercise and absenteeism... of the giant A company in ... showed SHOWN in THE bar and table chartS. Such d Data in THE bar chart is measured in percentage while another ALONG WITH data in per 1,000 employees. ... 2 parts: Birmingham and London departmentS. This IT is important to ... highest level was OF employeeS WHERE THOSE who exercised...The number of absenteeism between COVERING 1-5 days a year is the biggest number in this year WAS THE BIGGEST NUMBER OF THE YEAR.

... week in THE Birmingham department... as THE London department at roughly five 5 out of ten 10. ... in THE London ... for less than five hours a week, ...significant increase for IN the level ... from THE London to Birmingham department, one 1 in ten 10 and ... level of employeeS who exercised more...

THE Birmingham department's... for over twice ... as THE London department... who took absenteeism WERE ABSENT between 1-5 days a year inTHE London department... significantly widened a THE gap to WITH THE Birmingham ... Birmingham's employeeS who took absenteeism WERE ABSENT more than 5 days a year ... same as THE London ...been AT 248 per 1,000 employees.

Writing Feedback / The well behaved and educated parents are the best teachers for their children. TOEFL independent [2]

Nour, you can only agree or disagree to a certain extent with an opinion in the prompt of the prompt asks you to do so. Do not make assumptions that you can only partially agree or disagree if the instructions do not indicate that you can do that. Therefore, you will lose some major points in this essay because your response does not totally follow the instructions you were given. You were asked to respond to the prompt in a specific manner, so there is not halfway point. Make a decision, take a side, and then discuss and defend it to the best of your abilities :-)

Remember that in a TOEFL test, your English comprehension skills, as well as your ability to follow instructions are being tested. That means that you will also be graded on your ability to understand and deliver on the directions you are given for different parts of the test. The scores are always based upon the ability of the test taker to deliver the expectations of the exam portion that they have been asked to work on.

So, if we were to compare your essay with the expected response to the prompt, the examiner will see that you have strong sense of logic and analysis. However, you have a problem with taking or following directions. The latter part will result in some major points being deducted from your final score.

In this case, you have a chance to change the essay you wrote because it is still a practice test. I suggest you do so before I make a final comment on the quality of your essay and the kind of grade that it might be getting. You only get a second chance during practice tests, so make the most of it :-)

Writing Feedback / Travelers using three major airports in New York City (writing task 1) [2]

You have a very good grasp of the bar chart and you have an obvious semi-advanced grasp of how to use the written English language. These factors, when combined will make your final score in the actual test, when based upon your performance in this essay, fall at a bracket of higher than average. I don't think you have much to worry about when it comes to the actual tests. Constant practice on your part will further ensure the highest possible score for you.

... number of touristS who visitED to New York City through three particular airports over a half decade, from 1995 to 2000, ARE measured in THE million passengers a PER year is showed SHOWN in THE bar chart... number of visitorS via John F. Kennedy. While both of LaGuardia and Newark experienced AN upward trend, LaGuardia was HAD the highest visitor in BY the end ...

... the figure of travelerS at... 28 million passengers , followed by a gradual increase by OF approximately 20 million ... ...airport had the smallest visitor FIGURE in 1995, at about 15 millions . However, there was a large growth after during THE NEXT three years,... 40 millions . Following this , the figure ... the end of THE period.

... during THE NEXT 4 years at DEPICTING A FIGURE OF 50 million passengers AT THE END OF THE PERIOD, followed by a dramatic increase in 2000 at less than AT A LITTLE UNDER 70 millions , become BECAME the greatest number visitorS of THE three airport others.

Writing Feedback / The number of travellers visited New York City through three main US airports [3]

There are definite spelling problems in your essay. Always pay attention to the red line / spelling error indicator when writing your essays. If you can't spell, then the assumption is you cannot write. Therefore, the examiner will look poorly upon your completed essay report. These are major factors that affect your final band score.

...is measured by million AS SHOWN IN THE BAR CHART. ... saw upwards trend IN USERS , when WITH LaGuardia airport was AS the most popular AIRPORT at the end rate OF THE PERIOD. ... a fluctuanted FLUCTUATING pattern ... passengers who travelled TRAVELLING via...

... THE LaGuardia proportion stood at 35m in 1995, after that, there rose gradually fo ... WITH A STEADY RISE OVER the next three years, at TO 46m. ... for passengers AT LaGuardia airport reached the peak poinT PEAKED at 68m travellers. In Newark airport, it began at the lowest point of 16m ... REMAINING STABLE OVER In the last two years it remained stable at 42m travellers. TRAVELERS.

... r of travellers TRAVELERS... WHICH started at 26m in 1995, while increased rapidly to reach the highest point of 47m ... passengers was SHOWED a minimal decrease t... At DURING the last period, there was a slight growth to 44m .