Undergraduate / 'not immediately rushing into college' -Common App - an art student, Transfer Student [4]


^The essay prompt here asks you to state why you want to transfer, and what you hope to achieve.

You do not answer this essay prompt directly. You briefly mention


but you do not develop your point enough to state why you want to transfer to the University.


^This information is crucial to the essay prompt, however it is only a few sentences long, which fails to create a solid impression of yourself.


^Thats fine I guess, but from your current approach to your essay, it seems rather irrelevant. If you can relate these to your study experience at Philadelphia University and link this to the essay prompt, then that should be fine.

Currently, your essay fails to state directly why you want to transfer to the Uni and what you want to accomplish over there. Basically, what will studying at Philadelphia University do for you, how will it help you, how do you expect to benefit and how will a program over there cater to your objectives and aspirations?

Undergraduate / That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears [6]


^How is that possible exactly?

Your essay has a number of very obvious word and grammatical essays. Did you not revise it before you posted it here?
I personally felt the content was lacking personal description, narrative and/or imagery. It is really bland and insipid, with no real life to it; the essay fails to convey you effectively.

It was not that much of an interesting read either, and I would blame your writing style to be honest.
It was fairly obvious as to which direction your essay was heading in the first few paragraphs, so there was no real excitement or interest in reading your essay. These are things you need to consider, because UChicago wants to read gripping essays, and yours, in my opinion, fails to do this.

There is no right or wrong answer to a UChicago essay generally, so if this is your way of getting caught, that is fine. However, I do strongly suggest improving your narrative or writing style to make this essay want your readers to continue reading on, rather than get bored after the first few sentences.

Undergraduate / BU essay describing self with 3 words [3]


^Remove this. Why would anyone who is expecting to read about yourself in three words care that you have 'been followed by a ceaseless onslaught of adjectives'. By the way, if you want this sentence to suggest that many people describe you in wonderful ways, remember that there are also negative adjectives, such as 'lazy, pathetic, ignorant, dogamtic' etc. In fact, I as a reader, could immediately assume that these words belong in the list of endless adjectives that people have used to describe you...

*Remove the first sentence. It is uninformative, ineffective, useless and potentially misleading.


^Again, just get to the point. You have 500 characters, and you are wasting them with irrelevant and unimportant information. Just answer the essay prompt.


^Earth, wind and fire are words. (They are also a disco band).
These words neither describe you, nor answer this part of the essay prompt:


^Remove nearly everything, or maybe even everything, and try again. That is my advice:)

Undergraduate / "philosophical outlook on individuals" - UofI undergraduate essay [2]


^It does not need to be creative, nor does analyzing mean addressing the improbable.

I am analyzing your essay. I am not looking for any creative means, nor am I addressing anything improbable.


^Perhaps for now, you should just focus on directly discussing your academic and/or professional interests.

You discuss how you came about to like psychology, but I did not think that your reasons were particularly powerful to prove that you actually have an ACADEMIC interest in the subject.


^Whilst it is always convenient that a book happened to be found, you do not actually prove that you have an innate love for learning for anything, let alone psychology.


^What book were you reading earlier, if you did not know this before?


^I do not understand what effect you are trying to have upon your readers with this sentence.

Undergraduate / UT Admissions essay: influential person [9]


^You still are not wrong. It was just that it may have seemed that I was discrediting your suggestions, when in fact, I was just trying to make a point on how TYPICALLY CONTROVERSIAL issues are not necessarily the best way to go when writing an admissions essay.


^Definitely. An unconvential approach is what will definitely make the essay different compared to all the other similar essays, and an unconventional approach is likely to also just have an improved lasting impression on the reader, which in this case, will be the Admissions Committee.

I was saying that writing about issues such as global warming is common, to the point, that it has transgressed the boundaries of trite and banal such that these types of essays can bore readers, such as myself, from the very first sentence.

We are all familiar with well researched documentaries and the copious amounts of published warnings etc.
Does the Admissions Commitee really require a high school student to rant and rave about a controversial issue that is already so well known? Does it really help to just repeat the already established and known facts? Not really. Mainly because, it is boring and uninformative, both of which are qualities that Id assume most applicants would not want to reveal about themselves.

If an unconventional approach was taken however, the essay should be a more interesting read because it contains new, possibly thought provoking information that has not been considered earlier that can even reflect the intellectuality of the writer.


^Yes definitely. Failing to address the prompt either shows basic illiteracy or an inability to comply with the basic requirements of a question, which in this case is an essay prompt.

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


^Id say the voice is what connects the writer and reader, so that the reader can understand the writer's text.


^Yea, Id imagine that the ''hook'' refers to just grabbing your reader's attention.

Undergraduate / "I was born to a family of immigrants" - Editing Help for my admissions essay. [3]


^That would mean, that you belong to a typical and average world. Given that you have always assumed this as well, you can not say that you never thought about the world you came from.


^There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between being the best in everything you do, and trying your best to accomplish something.

Your introductory paragraph speaks for itself. It is quite poor.
Avoid making such frivolous statements, because they never do any good in an admissions essay.

Undergraduate / "my grandpa's journey" - significant experience, my college admission essay [4]



^So if this was 5 years ago, and you were in the third grade, then it would be logical to deduce that you are in the 8th grade now. Is this really the case? If so, it is a bit early to consider College admission essays.


^Cacophony implies that it was a lot of heavy and unpleasant sounds. It is the incorrect word to use in this sentence, given the context and the dramatic effect that you are attempting to create.

Your essay is very unclear. There is a spoiler in your essay, in your first few sentences.

Furthermore, you do not recreate the scenes vividly, so this does not suggest why this was a significant experience and what makes it significant to you.

Your grammar needs considerable revision. You use semicolons unnecessarily.
Your essay is quite weak as it stands. The writing style and grammar fail to support the content and your point of view, which in effect, makes this an ineffective essay.

Undergraduate / "Diversity through Music" - Rutgers Diversity Prompt [6]

Your introductory paragraph is boring. It doesnt set a scene, nor does it say something particularly interesting. If you removed the paragraph, I doubt any reader will particularly miss it.


^That was a good point. But after reading your essay, it seems irrelevant, because you only focus on your guitar, rather than a clash of musical styles. The quoted sentences can be misleading. It could suggest to your readers that you are going to discuss diversity, by discussing a diversity in music.


^You do not make it clear as to how you will benefit, yet alone contribute, to a diverse environment.
I understand that you played guitar with people of different ages and skill than you, but you do not make a clear point out of it. I am not even sure if you intended to.

Your essay needs to be more focused and specific to the essay prompt at hand.

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

This is not a qualified suggestion, nor an academic citation. It is just my opinion:

Well, Id assume that when a writer writes something, he/she is trying to communicate with his/her readers. A writer uses a number of language techniques so that he/she can be heard and understood properly. When that writer is heard or understood, it is because the writer's voice is heard.

The voice is created by language techniques. For example, full stops deaden the pace, which allows the voice to seem weakened or distraught, whilst exclamation marks makes the voice sound excited or bewildered etc (naturally, language techniques are not limited to punctuation)

I always find that the writer's voice is killed when generalisations are made. Generalizations do not bring the writer to life, because it is just a general statement, rather than the writer's voice.

Id assume that writers want their voices to be heard, so that readers can be on the same page as the writers (pun?) and therefore understand the text and the writer's point of view. This would then mean, that the writer has communicated with his/her readers effectively.

Undergraduate / Common App- 150 words- Student Council [4]

Is joining the Student Council, an activity?
Also,


^Why are you proud of this ''activity''?

Undergraduate / UT Admissions essay: influential person [9]


^Yea, that is an extremely valid point and I apologize for having not made this point earlier. I did not quite read the essay prompt properly. All I read was UT: Influential person.

It should be an issue. It can even be a personal issue with your father actually. It doesnt have to be global warming or corruption etc, because whilst those are all controversial issues, its important to realize that written material on these topics rarely tend to catch reader interest or come off as particularly thought provoking for an admissions essay.

You can still choose to write about them however. By no means am I suggesting that any of Kevin's suggestions are wrong, invalid or uninteresting.

What I am saying is that you are writing an admissions essay;it is unlikely that an admissions essay on certain contraversial topics, from a high school studennt, will be a very interesting read to an Admissions Officer due to a lack of actual new eyebrow raising information or unique perspectives.

Also do remember that the typical conclusion for these type of essays tend to be on how the issue should be dealt with, even though most people are fairly aware of how these problems should be dealt with and, basically the essay is just concluded with some teenager stating the obvious and not actually doing anything about it. I think its a huge mistake to do that. It seems somewhat hypocritical to dedicate an 'issue of importance' to an admissions essay and then preach about what should be done to defeat this supposed 'important' issue, even though the writer itself has not done anything in the past to support his suggestion. If it really was an issue of importance, why hasnt the writer even taken a proactive stance? Or was it actually, just not that important?

Good luck. This is a tough essay prompt.

Undergraduate / UT Admissions essay: influential person [9]


^I think if you remove this, your introduction reads as more concrete. I think what I have quoted is kind of waffling a bit, so removing it therefore would be more direct and more effective.


^Id suggest removing that as well.


^Bit cliched. Try and come up with a better way of expressing this. Also, you do not feel a taste.

Its a good essay actually. Its quite brief, to the point and quite an interesting read surprisingly. You could make it more brief and effective, by perhaps taking some of my advice and removing what I suggested?

In terms of grammar though, you do adopt an informal tone at times. Do not abbreviate.

Undergraduate / SUNY Application (Karate, my life) [6]

Starting off with quotes has lost its touch, because so many people have done it in the past few years that it is now just boring and unoriginal.

To start off with a quote, and then make a statement such as


is more than enough to bore most of your readers, including readers such as myself.
I suggest you first work on perhaps trying to improve your first few lines so that it is more engaging and interesting so that your essay can catch your reader's interest.

Undergraduate / Deciding to Leave High School- UC - experience [11]

It starts off well, but it starts to get really boring mid way


^For example, I understood the point you made in the first sentence I quoted. However from there, you just seem to emphasize that point so much, that I just began to lose my interest in reading. Thats something you do not want happening; losing reader interest.

Try and make your middle more succint. Currently, it seems to just waffle on and on so much so that you are not making any new or interesting points.

Good luck

Undergraduate / "Close your eyes. Open the window. Look out" - best advice [4]

It is a good concept and a good idea to write about. You do make a number of unfortunate grammar mistakes throughout your essay unfortunately.

But in terms of content, I think you have something quite worthwhile. Perhaps you could try and bring in more analogies, similes, and metaphors to show off a stronger writing style which in effect, would allow your essay to seem even stronger.

Good luck

Scholarship / "Page 87" Autobiography-VCU Scholarship Essay [5]


^This reads more like the setting of a story or any other application essay. It does not read as if page 87 of a book, let alone your autobiography, has been opened, which is actually how your essay for this essay prompt is supposed to read.

Ineffective introduction.

Undergraduate / 'fun easing the tension' - Common Application Activities Elaboration [6]

^^Lawlzzz kk. K its not an ''essay'' as such I know. I am applying via the Commonapp as well, so I am fairly familiar with the prompt. I didnt quite need an explanation.

As a committed member of the cross country team throughout ...
^You can crop that. It doesnt really say nor do much. If you remove this, then your next line is more direct and straight to the point, in terms of what you are going to discuss.

When I joined the team in the fall of freshman year, I originally believed cross country was individually-oriented as opposed to actual team work? .
''Individually oriented'' Doubt that is the right expression to use here.

... race-not anyone else," I queriedthought as an immature, naďve freshman.
^^^You do not need to be immature to think that. Perhaps intellectually immature though?

This assertion could not be any farther from the truth. Now, as the captain of the cross country team, I have realizedknow that teamwork is an essential component of cross country. During practices and races when my legs cannot move any faster, the "encouraging" words of my teammates somehow result in the contrary.

^I would have thought that somewhere in this sentence, would be an opportunity to describe, in a picturesque manner, the level of fatigue you feel, just so you can add a bit of life to the sentence.

Also ''result in the contrary'' doesnt make any sense in this sentence.

My own drive and motivation helps me attain personal records, however, therehashave been countless times when a simple, "Come on Justin!" has caused me to improve.

^Find a better expression.

Good luck

Undergraduate / 'fun easing the tension' - Common Application Activities Elaboration [6]

It does seem like a ten minute job, and since you felt the need to point it out, I am pretty sure you know that as well lawlz. Perhaps you should focus on trying to strengthen your essay as much as possible, and then post it here for some advice on how it can be strengthened further?

Undergraduate / Selected Major: Communication; Cornell CALS Supplement Essay [4]


^Not the best of similies.


^'something' is vague.
What elements of maths are black and white? I do not quite get how math can have any color to it...care to explain?


^How is it diverse and how is it important exactly?


^wide range of possibilities in terms of...what?


Is that limited to an ''if'' scenario only though?

Undergraduate / "stress and dermatitis" UC prompt 1 [5]

I think its a fairly decent essay actually. Some work can be made on it to strengthen it even further, but even though the content in itself is nothing extraordinary, you have managed to make it somewhat interesting. I think its because of the last line actually.

Hopefully the Moderators and Contributors, and other members of this site, will comment on your esasy and provide useful feedback that you can use to make this essay a really powerful one.

Undergraduate / "True love" - UC undergrad admission personal statement [8]

A lot of your essay is just generalized explanations, with no personal anecdotes. I found it very easy to lose interest in your essay, due to the lack of personal writing in your essay.

For example:


^There was no need to ramble aimlessly on what love is.


^Then another paragraph on just love in general, just bored me.


^Also, what makes you so certain that your definition of true love is not flawed?

Undergraduate / U of Michigan, gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. [9]

You have made a number of very obvious grammatical errors that need to be revised if you want to strengthen your essay.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 & 2 (Transfer) - Business major & Chinese-American identity [4]


^How do you intend to serve your community by being a businesswoman exactly?


^By current events, do you just mean reading the news? Or did you do something, perhaps, more proactive?


^Just because he was Nigerian, with a thick acent, you assumed that the professor may have been incapable of having a strong knowledge base of Economics? Hmmm.


^All this suggests that you are disillusioned to the point you can not even recognize your own hair color.


^Well, given that you could imagine you had blonde hair, I am not sure if this being 'beyond your imagination' says much.

Your first essay could be stronger by explaining certain statements you have made.
Your second essay, is the typical ''I have discovered my cultural heritage'' essay, and there is nothign really unique about your discovery. As it is not particularly unique, it is unlikely to leave a lasting impression on your readers. Just bear that in mind.

Undergraduate / "More than meets the eye" - essay for Chicago U. [4]


^Because...that is a unique ability, as most people fail to make eye contact during a conversation?

Overall, your essay is not that interesting. From what I can infer, you are trying to present yourself as some creature, well a mythical one in your case, that is observant with other humans. K.

Well..


^Believe it or not, most people can do this anyway. You are not some unique creature, you are just a regular human being.


^Yes, and it will take a very long time to understand the human mind, because there is no definite firm solution. There are theories to help explain certain elements of human thinking.

I do not really know what you are attempting to do with your essay. This is a UChicago essay, and whilst abstract essays are generally interesting, this one isnt, because it just dawns on that one aspect of being an observant mythical creature, when in reality, your essay fails to explain how you are one.

Undergraduate / Elaborate on one of your activities.(Yale essay) [7]


^What did you learn? What you learnt should be something you address in detail.

Undergraduate / 'Learning, seeing, understanding more' - Common app essay- why I chose my major [7]

If I may, the whole essay in itself failed to catch my interest as a reader. From the first hackneyed line, it was pretty obvious which direction the essay was heading.


^Lines such as those rarely do any good, due to it's exaggerated, unrealistic and cliched nature.


^Radically changed your view of the world? That is a bit extreme, especially considering the example you have used.


^Well, that does depend on the resources, for research, that are made available to you.


^They definitely are. It is strange that you chose to discuss in some level, your interest in Chemistry and Cognitive Science, and then end it as if you are unsure as to what it is you want to study.

Your essay in general is quite weak and quite frankly, boring. There is nothing interesting in it, and there is nothing in this essay that conveys a positive characteristic about you.

Undergraduate / Common App #4 - Fictional Influence (Free Thinking) [4]

Unless you are fairly familiar with the concept of Objectivism, writing an essay on Howard Roark will be challenging.


^Relationship?
What would Howard Roark do? Well, he did rape that one girl.

Undergraduate / Think.Transform.Thrive. From University of Chicago-my desired place to study. [10]

It definitely could be better. But if you are submitting them today, then I guess it is too late.
If you are happy with these essays, that is all that matters. Naturally, our standards and expectations are different.

Undergraduate / Diversity has always been important to me ; Why Emory Essay ^^? [3]


^Explaining how you have come across a wide variety of cultures should make your essay more interesting.


^'As a result'? What circumstances could have lead to such a 'result'?


^Were suggests that it was only in the past and that is it.
Boasted?
Moment of realization?= Cliche
Your last two sentences need grammar revision.


^You make some fairly good points here, but they are not expressed properly.
However, from your second sentence, you suggest that Emory does not satisfy all your needs. What do they not meet? In fact, why would you even want Emory to think that you believe that Emory is not a perfect match for you??

Also, is the most important thing in a University for you, an active Muslim community? You do strongly suggest this.

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

Post the essay question here.

Undergraduate / the Student Representative election - commonapp essay. significant experience [2]

The introduction is unnecessarily dramatized. The writing style in the opening paragraph is quite bland and is not as gripping as perhaps you would like it to be, or as gripping as how you aimed it to be.

You make a number of points relating to your so called, development. However, there is no detail or analysis to truly reveal the extent to which you have developed, either in a responsible or a mature way. These are key points of your essay, and there is nothing to support these points to convey a sense of your character.

Your choice of words and grammar needs to be worked on, particularly in the penultimate paragraph.
This essay does need to be worked on, if you are intent on submitting a strong writing piece.
I strongly suggest removing the large number of cliches in your essay.


^Perhaps not the best example, but it is fair to say that the material that I have quoted is boring and uninteresting.

Furthermore, what is your definition of adulthood? People's definitions do vary.

Do you believe that adulthood is determined by responsibilities? Everyone has responsibilities, even children. So how did yours change as you progressed to ''adulthood''.

Undergraduate / First generation college student and hopeful doctor; SMU supplement-additional info. [4]


^Are you assuming that we know what the essay prompt is? Because we do not.
If this is just an additional information essay, I personally do not see the purpose of what you have provided. There is no requirement to further convince them that you want to study hard, because if the Uni believes that you are a worthy applicant, they will bear that assumption in mind that you will be focused in your academics.

The additional information essay, is typically, to inform the University about something that perhaps they would not have otherwise known from your application. Perhaps, you took a gap year, or graduated early, or somethine along those lines. It is not really an opportunity to sell yourself as much as it is to just inform them about something that they may need to know.

Undergraduate / Common App Prompt I, My ubringing and family influence on my career choice [2]

Your essay is very heavily cliched. You make a number of grand statements, yet show no level of analysis nor cover any depth, even though you really should so that it is easier to understand you as an applicant.

For example.


^Everyone is taught values and virtues. What are yours, if you have so many?
Furthermore, when you say care for others, you should state how. People care in different ways.


^Again, how?


^Universities do look for students with a dedication to academics. However, I am not sure if presenting yourself as someone who is overly immersed in academics is a good idea, because it suggests that you are a nerd with nothing better to do in life but sit by yourself and read, which is the type of student that Univeristies do not look for because they try to create an interesting mix in their respective student bodies.


^Dream? In reality, dreams can just remain as dreams. Therefore, the cliche does not work too well here.
Also, if you are 'captivated by the human body' and interested in a carer in the 'medical field', that does not necessarily imply you want to be a doctor. You can even be involved in the field of psychology, or sports science. Furthermore, how does a career in the medical field provide the highest level of job satisfaction exactly?


^An uninteresting ending, because many people have made similar claims in the past, and continue to do so today.

Your essay definitely needs some revision if you want to submit a very strong essay. It depends what you are looking and aiming for.
Your grammar also needs some revision, due to a number of errors that are in your essay.

Undergraduate / "Spanish is my passioin" - undergraduate [3]


^Were you not already fluent in Spanish? Are you exaggerating the amount of intellectual discovery that took place for Spanish here?

What is the essay prompt here?
In regards to the essay, in general, you make a number of obvious grammatical errors that definitely do need to be corrected in order to strengthen the overall effectiveness of this essay. Your writing style is occassionally at times rather basic, and I suggest that your means of expression be slighlty improved, as a means of perhaps, 'beautifying' the essay.

In terms of content, I personally think it is quite weak. You are of Spanish-speaking origin, and you


, yet you dedicate an entire essay to how studying Spanish is your main academic interest. I believe that this does not quite present breadth in your character.

Graduate / 'clinical and basic science' - University of chicago medical essay [4]


^So, how are you a great fit for Pritzke then?
I also felt that in regards to whatever has already been written, there should be some more analysis and discussion to show what truly made those experiences so 'rewarding' or what made your research have an 'intellectual challenge' to it.

Undergraduate / Common application short essay: another about soccer:( [10]


^'it' can either refer to soccer or your lack of skills.

Your essay has a number of obvious grammatical errors, which become increasingly obvious after that sentence I quoted. Also, starting off with your relative lack of skill in soccer, in my opinion, is not the best way to start this essay for doing so does not seem to serve you ANY useful purpose. I do not see how mentioning how unfit you are for the sport genuinely ties in with what you are trying to say. If anything, it begs the question as to how you are even on the football team, or questions the quality of your football team.

Also, I got the impression that you are not analyzing or discussing what is it about soccer that is so meaninful to you. I can see that you have made only two sentences regarding this, and these sentences are rather vague and general anyways.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay: The Life of a Mind Detective [17]

I only read your first sentence and the paragraph that proceeded that. I am not a fan of the detective novel simile, for starters, given it's cliched nature and relative lack of creativity.

I can note that you have a lot of grammatical errors, that make understanding this essay more tasking than it should be. Also,


^I understand how children's brains can be comparitively smaller compared to an adult, however 'tiny little brain' sounds more self-degrading than cute.
I also thought that the remainder of that particular paragraph featured a lot of rambling jibberish that bored me, rather than caught my attention.

EDIT:
If you still want to go for this essay, then I suggest that some serious revisions take place. You should focus on grammar, and focus on ways to grasp your reader's attention. Readers typically do not like superfluous detail and ramblings, and these generally do tend to result in a loss of reader interest.

Having decent grammar can only do the essay writer favors.

Undergraduate / "we are both geniuses" - U of M Essay (3rd option) [5]


^I would remove this.

Your essay seems to be fairly alright. It is fairly well written.

BUT in my opinion, discussing a book that you had to read as part of your AP program is not as impressive as discussing a book that you chose to. It forwards, to me at least, the following impression: your reading is not very broad, and because you yourself know this, you decided to conveniently, for this particular essay, discuss a book that you have already read because naturally, it would be easier.

I apologize if this is not the case, and if you were infact amazed by this book, but I would assume that the Admissions Commitee is looking to read your discussion of a book outside of your academic domain, or a book that you had to read because it is compulsory

Undergraduate / Computer Science usage - Help with Carnegie essay prompt [3]


^Yes. Perhaps, even a discussion on the department can do favors for you?


^Well, there is always a way to get around it.


^I do not know about the CS in brackets, but I think that CMU should be fine. Not too sure however, but I definitely would assume that it is alright.