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Posts by hasdymath [Suspended]
Name: hasdi latif
Joined: Jan 26, 2015
Last Post: Nov 27, 2015
Threads: 11
Posts: 25  
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From: Indonesia
School: UIN alauddin makassar

Displayed posts: 36
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hasdymath   
Nov 27, 2015
Undergraduate / My "best" friend - panic disorder. UC Personal Statement [7]

let me help you especially in third paragraph, as it constains many mistakes

in the paragraph,

Then to overcome my fears of my own and distract myself away from him.

word "him" is unclear, since it does not reverse to something nothing.

I... I took yoga and swimming classes

hasdymath   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / The percentage of people in the US who are happy according to married status (Task 1 for IELTS) [2]

hi, your essay has already covered the main point of essay. Yet, to reach high score, you need some advice. try to avoid using same word in a paragraph (people)

... people in the US who arefeel happy, according to married status...
Overall, the percentage of happiness in the US are under 50%.

To begin, peoplethe countries who get married at ages ranging from 18 to 29, 30 to 49 and 60 and over are happy feel contented...
While in the 50 to 64 age group PEOPLE are happyfeel content at the percentage around 40%...
In contrast, unmarried peopleinhabitants are had 21 to 22 percent of happiness in all age groups, apart from them those people aged 65 and over, there is a differentdifference in the percentage of happiness with 34%.

hasdymath   
Nov 26, 2015
Undergraduate / My lifetime goal is to go a good school and secure my future so I can help my parents and family [4]

hi, after I read your essay, it is really impressive. But, you need to rearrange your firts paragrph or we called introduction. Here my advise is:

My lifetime goal is to go a good school [...] take a step higher and also become an architect.

Every essay or assignment you write must begin with an introduction. It might be helpful to think of the introduction as an inverted pyramid. In such a pyramid, you begin by presenting a broad introduction to the topic and end by making a more focused point about that topic in your thesis statement. The introduction has three essential parts, each of which serves a particular purpose

The first part is the "attention-grabber." You need to interest your reader in your topic so that they will want to continue reading. You also want to do that in a way that is fresh and original. For example, although it may be tempting to begin your essay with a dictionary definition, this technique is stale because it has been widely overused. Instead, you might try one of the following techniques:

- Offer a surprising statistic that conveys something about the problem to be addressed in the paper.
- Perhaps you can find an interesting quote that nicely sums up your argument.
- Use rhetorical questions that place your readers in a different situation in order to get them thinking about your topic in a new way.
- If you have a personal connection to the topic, you might use an anecdote or story to get your readers emotionally involved.
hasdymath   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Which One is More Essential, Appearance or Quality of Work? [5]

hi, your writing is good organized. As a readers I am able to understand easily yours. Also, you have included introduction, thesis statement, body, and closing paragraph called conclusion. Yet, You need some advise to increase your score. Here they are :

good rephrase, it has already covered the first statement

Some people argue that to be a well-dressed worker in a company is more essential than job performances, but the others assume the reverse.

give reason why you agree with those views. It will drive your tesis statement more powerful and drive reader understand your topic without reading whole essay.

here yours' : They use their skills and abilities to work and particular professions need special dress code in everyday activities

While I agree both views, it primarily relies on the workplace and the profession.

hasdymath   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1: The percentage of happiness ratings of married and unmarried people in the US [3]

hi, your writing is well organized. as a readers I can understand easily from first sent to last sent. Also, you have included introduction, thesis statement, body, and closing paragraph called conclusion. Yet, You need some advise to increase your score. Here they are :

in the first sent
- great rephrase

A survey of married and unmarried people and how children affect the cheer of married couples in the US is presented in the two bar charts.

- You should cover both charts, as I see, this is just for the second table

Turning to ecstasy ratings for married couples who have children. Parents' children aged under 18 do not show a distant difference of percentage for parents without children,

in the last paragraph
- an umbiguous subject,

Parents' children aged under 18Parents with children aged under 18 do not show a distant difference of percentage for parents without children,

hasdymath   
Nov 26, 2015
Undergraduate / Saving "My World" & Piano Plateaus - UC Personal Statement (Freshman applicant) [5]

hi, your writing is well enough. Yet, you need to link every paragraph, since it looks no corelation

Examples of transition words that can help you to link your paragraphs together:

For listing different points
First
Second
Third

For counter examples
However
Even though
On the other hand
Nevertheless

For additional ideas
Another
In addition to
Related to
Furthermore
Also

To show cause and effect
Therefore
Thus
As a result of
Consequently

Like all good paragraphs, each supporting paragraph should have a topic sentence, supporting sentences, and a summary sentence.
hasdymath   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Today's issue is a technology addiction. [2]

QUESTION : Over reliance on modern technology means that people are falling to learn, or more forgetting, many basic skills.
To what extent is this true? Are people becoming so reliant on modern technology that they are no longer able to do some things without it?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


------------------
Today's issue is a technology addict. Over the last 50 years, to use of computer technology has been increasing in modern society. Almost everything is done with a help of a modern technology, so people are less likely to want to learn or carry out the same thing. This is utterly true, since technology brings human to automatic and instant lifestyle. Yet, I would disagree, because this reliance Encourages innovation and creativity.

Apparently modern technology drives people more enjoyable, since they are influenced by automation and instance of modern technology. For instance, mobile phone has been used by someone to communicate each other 24 hours a day, so that he need not visit someone who is talking with. Just imagine, if he goes there, it will spend much time, power, and money. As a result, people are capable of conducting other activities. From this, It is clear that the way of people live look simple by modern technology.

However, some argue that thanks to reliance on development of technology, human can make more innovation and creativity. Since technology is challenging, it sparks the brain to work to its full potential. In the past, it used to be very difficult to start a business, one had to have lots of capital and they even had limited access to business information. Today, it is very easy to start a business while at home. For example, kickstarter.com which helps creative people get funds for their projects through crowd funding. On this platform, creative developers post projects seeking for funding from the community, this helps them generate lots of cash for their good ideas which latter leads to creation of new Jobs.

The aforementioned evidence shows that modern technology makes everything instant. In addition, it is stated that more innovation and creativity will be created easily. As seen, both views introduce merits and demerits. It is imperative that other consequences should be taken into consideration.
hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree: being active is healthier than staying at home [4]

hi there, let me help you out regarding your fist paragraph, since you need more fixing.
here is my advice

Think about your "angle" on your topic. If you're writing an introduction, you probably already know what your topic is and what you want to say about it. (If you don't, you need to go back and do that before you try to write an introduction!) A good essay has an "angle," or way of presenting argument or information, to its readers. Think about what questions your essay addresses and why they're important.[2]

You should have your thesis before you start writing your introduction. It can even help to save the introduction for last, after you've written the rest of your essay, so you know exactly what your argument is.

Remember that a thesis statement Is an assertion, not a fact or an observation. It takes a stand; someone should be able to argue either in favor or against the argument in your thesis.
hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Undergraduate / My fencing world teaches me to work diligently on things that I am passionate about - UC prompt 1 [7]

hi, well, your writing is well, but you need some reviews. let me help you out in your last paragraph.

The world of fencing teaches me ...

In last paragraph. You need to show what you have mentioned before, or we call it conclusion. My advice is
'give readers you are in a conclusion such as in conclusion, all in all, to sum up etc'. in addition, to establish a sense of closure, you might do one or more of the following:

- Conclude by linking the last paragraph to the first, perhaps by reiterating a word or phrase you used at the beginning.
- Conclude with a sentence composed mainly of one-syllable words. Simple language can help create an effect of understated drama.
- Conclude with a sentence that's compound or parallel in structure; such sentences can establish a sense of balance or order that may feel just right at the end of a complex discussion.

- Don't simply summarize your essay. A brief summary of your argument may be useful, especially if your essay is long--more than ten pages or so. But shorter essays tend not to require a restatement of your main ideas.
hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Observation of automobiles number owned by British people from 1971 to 2007 [2]

A breakdown of the number of car per household in great Britain from 1971 to 2007, a 36-year period is presented in the line chart.

Overall, it can be seen that car ownership in Britain increased between over the year. In any case, although the proportion of households with two cars mounted slightly, the number of citizens without a car decreased.

More specifically, nearly half of a large majority of British households did not have regular use of a car. About 7% of households had two cars, yet solely around 44% belong to one car. At 2%, households with three or more cars, because this was uncommon for the number of families to own the numbers.

Next, households with one car was the most common type from the late 1970's onwards, while this figure witnessed little change. The considerably change was seen in the percentage of households belong to one car, while this level decreased gradually over the period to approximately a quarter percent in the last year. Astonishingly, the two-car households experienced a steady growth, reaching about 26% in 2007, and the proportion of households with more than two cars rose by around 5%.




hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Diagram shows that the percentage of people aged 65 and more is predicted to increase [2]

A breakdown of the proportion of elderly people from 1940 to 2040 as a forecast year, a 100-period year is presented in the line chart. The data is carried out from USA, Sweden, and Japan.

Overall, it is clearly seen that the percentage of people aged 65 and more is predicted to increase. In any case, although figure the number of people aged 65 or more in Japan experienced the lowest one in the first year, this figure is overseen to surpass and becomes the greatest one.

To begin, there was a huge changes between the first and the last view year. 1940 showed that all of the figure stood at just under 10%, which Japan societies was the least. On the other hand, all of the levels increased significantly and showed a reserve. The percentage of USA inhabitants witnessed the lowest one at approximately 23%, while figure for Japan reached a high of virtually 27%. the level of more-or-65-aged-Sweden population was between them.

Next, there was were an increasing and surpassing in the middle year. From 1960 to 2020, both the ageing population in USA and Sweden mounted slightly but fluctuated, while the level of Japan fell gradually but surpassed the other ones in 2030.




hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / What are the prerequisites for further space exploration - a national pride or international effort? [2]

hi, overall you have shown your capability to answer all the question, yet, I have found some mistakes. to develop your score more, you need some fixing. let me help you out

While it is utterly true (NEED A COMMA) as it ... proud, (NEED A PERIOD) It is claimed that ...

Due to the fact that, some ...

Consequently, space exploration is meaningINVESTS the effort ...

hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / Settlements with the past - the causes of space exploration. [2]

hi hasbi, overall you have shown your capability to answer all the question, yet, I have found some mistakes. to develop your score more, you nedd some fixing. let me help you out

Exploration space EXPLORATION OF SPACE has a considerable value for everyone. The expanding of technology brings the huge impactSthroughout TO the world, particularly space technology that makes possible society explore other planets SOCIETY ABLE TO EXPLORE OTHER PLANETS. In the modern era, it is argued that people going outer space have had more to do with national pride than international effort. I firmly believe that people who explore the space have been made their nationality proud of them (NEED A COMMA) because they brought their country identity when they explored the space, like a flag. However, others believe that space exploration implied in global effort due to the fact that it occurs because collaboration and supporting from other countries.

To sum up, Astronautan astronaut who succeeded to travel outer space will bring the prestigious achievement about their country. However, the uniqueness of this exploration create a global proud what they do and collaboration with other countries in many parts of the world. I firmly believe that free-space settlements could be wonderful places to live.

hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Undergraduate / It took me a lot of years to realize that the person influencing me the most was my father. Intro. [5]

hi, let me help you out ergarding your question.. you need to seperate a long sentence to be two sentence.

Everyone having had a influence significantly on you should be paid more attention deeply.
accordance of context, circumstances, and experiences from human mind continuously absorbs, seeks and shapes.
From the moment we are born, we began to see things, and interact with those that care for us.
lets our minds soak in all that we observe ad gradually discern who and what we like, than influencing us to be a distinct individual.

it requires the number of years to realize that the person influencing myself the most was my father.
He is a calm and patient person.
hasdymath   
Nov 25, 2015
Scholarship / Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic interests. [5]

hi, let me help you out rearrage some your last sentences

Even if it's it is a small change that I can make, a change has to start from somewhere.

try to avoid repeating same pattern ( I believe that from those aspirations... and I believe my chosen academic ...)
beware use contraction.

from those, I strongly believe my ability to reach other goals, so I have set out for myself in such by being successful, graduating from college, and overall being happy with not only my career. chosing programs will allow me to reach my goals by helping me mold myself into the person I want to become...
hasdymath   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Extinction: less and less species from plant and animal tropical forest - IELTS TASK 1 [NEW]

A breakdown of the number of extinctions species from plant and animal tropical forest per decade between 2000 and 2100 as a projected year, a 100-year period is presented in the line chart. On the other hand, the bar charts compares threats of plant life by human impact and natural events.

Overall, it can be seen that the number of extinction species will reach a peak, after that this decreases slightly, while the plant threats are dominated by human impact. In any case, the number of plant and animal extinctions decreased are caused more by human intervention than natural events.

To begin, extinctions of plant and animal in tropical forest stand at 5,000 million species. Over the following six forecast decades, this rises dramatically and reaches a high of 50,000 million species. After a peak, the figure is overseen to fall until the final period by 30,000 million species.

Next, plant life has its threat from two main resources: human impact and natural events. The most serious damage was caused by human at 81.3%, while natural even witnesses at just 18,7%. Specifically, the same exact percentage (18,7%) happened for agricultural events, the highest percentage of human impact. On the other hand, 7 per cent natural disaster and 11.7 per cent other natural events offered for natural events.




hasdymath   
Nov 24, 2015
Undergraduate / Growing up, I was raised in a conservative home and was sheltered for much of my early life. Texas [4]

hi, let me rearrange your first and last paragraph.

Growing up, I was raised in a conservative home and ...

As a lovingly family, we all ate same dinner table every night and attended church together every Sunday, although I was raised in a conservative home and was sheltered for much of my early life. In addition, I attended a small private school from kindergarten all the way until eighth grade. growing up with different beliefs and in a setting where everyone around me had the same beliefs and ideals were viewed as outsiders.

Although the incident in Student Government did not change my ...

it is great experience which changes my life. although the incident of Student Government does not bring strong effects to my personal, it has changes my view to other's differing beliefs and ideals.
hasdymath   
Nov 24, 2015
Undergraduate / My contributions to CU-Boulder's 2030 Plan [6]

let me help you out. overall, you have shown your intention to your goal by telling your background and live. Yet, I have found something wrong and ambigu.

first, almost every paragraph does have correlation. My suggest: try to make a involved sentence before next paragraph,

second. to persue a goal, don't use word "try", since it is weak word that makes readers doubt about your intention,

Additionally, I have strong technical skills in software (relative to my peer group) which I hope to not only keep growing, but find opportunities to use. The entrepreneur in me will be looking for opportunities to try new things I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT I AM ABLE TO GET THE ENTREPRENEUR OPPORTUNITIES- both within CU-Boulder - and in the high tech eco system in Boulder.

hasdymath   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The average spending figure for cell phones from 2001 to 2010 [2]

Hai, here are two my essays of IELTS task1. I am really keen on waiting your suggest and comment.

The first graph :

A breakdown of the number of average annually spending on mobile and landline phones by American costumers from 2001 to 2010, a nine- year period is presented in the line chart.

Overall, it can be clearly seen that there was a big changes in the final period. In any case, although cell expenditures of phone service showed the lowest in the first year, this figure rose sharply in the last year by surpassing the level of residential phone service in the middle of period.

To begin, there is a big different of both figures between the first and the final years. The average spending figure for cell phones in 2001 stood at about $200, while for residential phone services was approximately $700, which is difference $500 expending. In contrast, 2010 experienced a reverse. There was a significant fall in level of average expenditures of residential phone service by virtually $400. On the other hand, the other figure boosted dramatically to just under $800, which is different $500 average expenditures, and reached a high of the annual expenditures over period.

Next, there was a surpassing in the middle of period. Between 2001 and 2006, the figure for cell phone costs witnessed a slight decrease, while the residential phone users fell markedly. Astonishingly, the former surpassed the later in 2006.



  • the first graph
hasdymath   
Nov 23, 2015
Undergraduate / USC Undergraduate Admissions Supplement Essay- Major: Applied Mathematics, Intended Minor: History [5]

hi JackZhang898, let me help you out regarding your essay. After reading it, I have met two mistakes.

The first, obout this sentences

I have a confession to make: I am a math addict. [...]
[...] and one day create algorithms for DNA replication and explore processes of the cell cycles.


you need to add background statement why you are going to choose mathematics in biochemistry before the third sentence. It is because in the first and second sentence you do not mentiond your intention about biochemistry. It will make reader easily to understand your point.

the second, about this sentence

Why did calculus thrive during the Scientific Revolution? What effects did Galileo's kinematics studies have on the Industrial Revolution?

I think, you should give sentence connector or short sentence before that sentence, in orde to be connected with the previous sentence.
hasdymath   
Nov 23, 2015
Research Papers / Persuasive Research Essay for ENG 200 "NASA: Why We Must Continue Exploring" [4]

let me rearrange this paragraph.

Our knowledge has been greatly expanded because of our endeavors in space ...

To sum up, funding for NASA should not be cut. It is true since the aforementioned evidence shows that life on Earth has improved adirectly. In addition, thanks to endeavors in space, people knowledge has been greatly expanded. For this reason, scientists must continue to explore and learn in order to improve human life on Earth, and to continue our existence as a species.
hasdymath   
Nov 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : DEVELOPMENT OF TECHNOLOGY TO A NEW LIFESTYLE. [2]

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when traveling, etc.)
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Technology is changing people habit. Development of information technology has influenced society lifestyles by working outside of their workplace. This case brings benefits, since this leads to efficient time consuming and more pleasure. Although both ideas are utterly acceptable to some extent, I would argue that there must be serious a consequence especially unhealthy lifestyle.

Apparently due to development of information technology, it comes to an abrupt withdrawal of lack of activity. This is because there seems to be a busy with heavy workloads. A 2004 recent Harvard university study reveals that 90% of employees working at home in Zamfara, Nigeria have obesity, since they does not spend energy and their muscle is not exercised properly. Besides that, the workers get minimal calorie expenditure. It is clear that effects of healthy are often seen in sedentary activity.

Despite the drawbacks, we cannot deny that technology has made many aspects of life more efficient time. People who work in international business have to replay hundreds of emails every day, and people can spend gather with their family. Some people argue that this time could be better spend.

It is more pleasure using technology information at working home. This is owing to the fact that people have instant access to entertainment and social connection just a click away. Like many people, I use a networking site, which apparently has more than 700 million active users. This type of statistic illustrates just how popular this website is.

The aforementioned evidence shows that the immense benefits of information technology of working in non-workplace has offered pleasant and efficiency of time. However, it is argued that this activity leads people serious disease. As seen, both views introduce merits and demerits. It is imperative that societies should take regular breaks from their computers, so there are benefits that remain.
hasdymath   
Nov 22, 2015
Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

hi halokenisis, let me help you out about your essay. overall you have shown inttention what you feel. about the content, you just need to link between one paragraph to the other one.

Also, I suggest you to write, what lesson what readers can get after read one paragraph. So, it is better you give a lesson of life in each paragraph.

furthemore, you should include a conclusion paragraph, since it drives your essay more powerful, and shows to readers what the key of your topic. begin with in conclusion or overall.
hasdymath   
Nov 22, 2015
Book Reports / Conrad's Heart of Darkness is a novel about the Dominican Republic and not on a boy/man seekin love. [5]

Hi CamReLind, let me help you out regarding your essay. overall, you have shown a good introduction. Yet, you need to link every sentence, since it is like no correlation between one paragraph to the other one.

My suggestion: use sentece connector such after that, however, in addition, on the other hand, etc especailly in the second and the third paragraph, so it will drive your intro more powerful.

... a viewpoint that has been unheard of until recently. In addition, the European morals and values are blended ...
hasdymath   
Nov 22, 2015
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: Your World (thirty eight) - I've grown to become a programming "nerd" [7]

Hi sukhtheduke1, let me help you out. overall, you have shown your intention to answer all of the question. yet, I suggest you to make a conclusion, since a conclusion will drive viewers more undersatand, and know what the key of your essay.

Begin your conclusion paragraph with a sign such as finally, having said that, to conclude, etc. after that, restate your key point.

here is some my correction: (beware with constraction)

I just love programming now; (need period)I'll I will make nifty yet simple programs in my spare time partly to refresh myself on old concepts and partly because it's it is gratifying to be able to make a computer do a task for you, such as displaying the times table. After one and a half years of programming, I've I have became a programming "nerd" ...
hasdymath   
Nov 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : It is pointless making children who lack artistic talent learn painting and drawing [2]

It is pointless making children who lack artistic talent learn painting and drawing in Art classes at school. Instead, they should concentrate on other creative or practical subjects for which they may have more aptitude.

To what extend do you agree or disagree.


It is true that pupils who are learning painting and drawing without having many skills or art talents is useless. Some people argue that encouraging students to switch those non-academic subjects to subjects which they have aptitude in is needed most. That is true since students are able to maximize their working. However, I believe that skills of art could be developed during the learning process.

To begin, most student will render excellent result for their work, if they have more aptitude about that. It is because they feel never bored and always love their subject. A 2014 recent study from Melbourne university have shown that children in girl primary and secondary school Perth, Australia easily mastered and learned fast for their mathematics major, after they rejected art subject and chose the mathematics. As a result, in the future, they will have a range of job opportunities, as most company requires specific skill. From this, an interesting subject can create more value.

On the other hand, pupils who is lack skills of painting and drawing should be encourage to continue learn more, since they are able to obtain the talent over the process of the study. It is absolutely right, as children are naturally creative thinking, and they belong to high logic. A report by the Arts Education Partnership in 2002 revealed that schoolchildren exposed to painting art are often more proficient at reading, writing, and math. Consequently, they have more preparation for the future.

In conclusion, although changing intent to other subjects brings merits, children should account for art major, because it drives them more skilled. Where possible, serious consequences should be taken into consideration.
hasdymath   
Nov 21, 2015
Undergraduate / Artists Statement / Solving a Problem Essay [3]

hi eleplant, let me help you out to your conclusion paragraph. It is too much rendering what you love about art, and that is useless. I would like to encourage you to replace the conclusion. Try to give strong reason why the viewers should accept you after reading yours. And, for next sentence, give possible result or prospect after you graduate from the school, like effects of social, environment, and education in your area.
hasdymath   
Nov 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : A breakdown of the erosion process in a headland [3]

A breakdown of the erosion process in a headland is presented in the diagram. Overall, it is clearly seen that time by time the headland gradually disappears, and the process continues for some natural steps without any affection of human.

To begin, beneath the base of the headland, there are weak areas, hollow lands caused by erosion, which is like a small cave. After that, the hollow land becomes huger, so the cave turns arch, where it is possibly shaped like Durdle, door, or Dorset. After the sea water beats against the hollow lands for long time, the roof of the headland disappears, and it gets wicker and wicker.

Following that, after being eroded, the stack area is separated from the headland. Whereas a frequency of water pressure causes a powerless area. Eventually, the roof of the separated land retreats, which effects virtually a half of the size lost. Consequently, the stack land falls into the sea, and creates stump.




hasdymath   
Nov 21, 2015
Scholarship / This is my Motivation Letter for a Scholarship opportunity from DAAD [7]

pardon, I got wrong with my recently comment, here is the true one

hi dooD, reviewrs are going to think more about your interest to study in master degree, whilst you are completing it by using logical and practical method to reach some or a target.

here is my correction. be careful with capital letter.
During my studies i I acquired all the essential skills of field research.
I am very proud that i I managed to complete my studies,
and advances progress towards Development development goals I think,

Help with mine ⇒ IELTS TASK 1 : the proportion of changes in students graduated from universities in Canadian
Help with mine ⇒ IELTS TASK 1: The charts below show household spending patterns in two countries between 1980 & 2008
hasdymath   
Nov 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : the proportion of changes in students graduated from universities in Canadian [2]

A breakdown of the proportion of changes in students graduated from universities in eight dissimilar provinces in Canada from 2001 to 2006, a five-year period is presented in the bar chart. Overall, it is clearly seen that the percentage of international-student graduates in 2006 were higher than the other one. In any case, although student graduates in Alberta province was dominated in 2001, the other provinces experienced a reserve.

To begin, graduate numbers in some provinces reached over eight percent, and the proportion of graduates in 2006 always surpassed the year of 2001. International graduates in New Brunswick witnessed the greatest number of students at approximately 12% of proportion, figure for nova Scotia graduates experienced virtually the same proportion as it was in British Columbia at about 10%, while Quebec international graduates was at nearly nine percent. In contrast, 2001 experienced under eight percent of the number of graduates in the four provinces.

A more detail look at the graph reveals that the remaining figures showed proportions of international-student graduates were at around six percent. There was a similar percentage of the number of graduates between Manibota and Newfoundland province at virtually seven percent and three percent respectively in 2006 and 2001. Astonishingly, Alberta graduates were higher in 2001 (around 6%) than 2006 (around 4%).




hasdymath   
Nov 10, 2015
Graduate / 'Business and mathematics have been in my life always' - Imperial College Master for Finance essay [4]

hello estefa227. Overall you have shown your fully intention to apply in the subject. Yet, your essay contains too much of your personal life. To deal with it, at least you should mention what lesson you can learn from your experience. In addition, every paragraph should be connected each other, since it drives your essay more powerful and has a flow.
hasdymath   
Nov 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: The charts below show household spending patterns in two countries between 1980 & 2008 [NEW]

The breakdown of the proportion of patterns' household spending in UK and New Zealand from 1980 to 2008, a 28 - year period is presented in the pie charts. Overall, the patterns of household spending are dissimilar in both countries. In any case, while patterns of spending utility bills increased slightly, the figure for food and beverage experienced a gradual fall in both the countries.

To begin, 1980 had showed a slight increase in household spending of UK, from 27% to 34% in 2008. In addition, this case also occurred in the figure for utility bills of both countries. At 26%, the percentage of household spending' UK mounted gradually to 28%, and there was a steady rise of the same subject in New Zealand from over a quarter to almost a third of household spending in the second period.

In contrast, there was a sharp fall of spending's household in UK from 23% to 13%. This term is the same as did New Zealand, with falling four percent by twenty-five percent. In addition, spending of transport in the two countries witnessed one-percent drop by 14% and 16% irrespectively in UK and the other one. 1980 to 2008 saw a gradual decrease of percentage' spending leisure in New Zealand. The remaining figure solely dropped slightly.




hasdymath   
Nov 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Task 1 - The amount of waste production in six countries. [3]

A breakdown of the rate of waste production in different regions over following (need a comma here) a twenty-year period between 1980 and 2000,

Overall, it can be seen that there was a significant increase in the US (need a comma here) while (no a comma here) this is followed by Japan.

formula : S V, conj S V

First of all, in 1980, the number of garbage industryindustries .
formula: the number of+noun plural

in the United States stood at 131 millions of tonnes131 million tonnes
hasdymath   
Nov 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Adolescents should be taught to compete, since this brings a decision maker skills for their future [3]

Some people think that a sense of competition children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are thought to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give own opinion.

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In general, adolescents should be taught to compete, since this brings such as a better decision maker for their future. However, it is believed that children are more likely to be useful persons such as good relationship in their adult age, if children are given a co-operation learning.

Apparently a strong competition leads children to be a great person. It is true due to the fact that this method is going to drive them to be a good decision maker. A 2009 recent Australian National University research showed 90% of pupils in Toronto, Canada were required to join in minimal five national competitions. This regulation should be done before students graduated from the second level education. As a result of this, most students who were working in a company clearly took a brief decision when they faced a problem. From this, competition among children is child needs.

In contrast, children are taught to co-operate seem to have better relationship, as long as they learn how to socialize to other people around them. In addition, co-operative children are able to know about other character and psychology people, inasmuch as they always meet and share with different friends. Finally, children could control their emotion when they have a problem, since they used to seat together with different people.

In conclusion, although children who are thought about co-operation bring huge benefits in the next time, it is believed that children provided encouragement of competition are more likely to be useful in their adult age. Where possible, it is better to mix these principal methods, since these bring merit in both.
hasdymath   
Nov 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Task 2 - A foreign language and adopting the traditions [3]

With regard to understandunderstanding the language,.. With regard to is preposition, which means that it is followed by noun.

then he tries to study by making conversation with the native speaker.... adverb of manner

in other cases, they do not need adoptionto adapated from the traditions.

a person who cannot speak English well, then heand tries to study makingcreate conversation with the native speaker.