Letters /
Cam, the leader. A scholarship essay on leadership characteristics. [3]
Hmm, I started off liking your framing story, but I feel a bit betrayed at the end. Basically you were making up the whole first part of the story - there was no subway, no newspaper, no bright red tie, so your essay gives me an impression of dishonesty. Maybe that is not justified, but that is just the feeling I get. It seemed like your language in the opening paragraph was a little too flowery. Overall, I think your essay could be more concise - there seem to be a lot of unnecessary words. Also, I don't think your essay fully addresses the part of the prompt that asks "how are these traits are developed in a leader?" I get the impression that Cam was just sort of a born leader and used these traits he always had inside to become successful. Your story of German shows a little of how leadership might be developed, but you are not really focusing on German, you are using his story to show how motivation is important.
Here are some other suggestions:
staring blindly [at] the Times paper
Shy [of] forming conversation, I blindly asked,
Our conversation took off. His name [was] Cam.
His [manner] and smiles invited me
intimidated by his business[-like] look.
he gave me
of the secret formula for a leader: Someone who is creative, approachable, and a motivator. {the way it is formatted, this sounds more like a description of a leader than a formula for being a leader}
"It is the seed and the gasoline {I don't really like this mixed-metaphor} that keeps a person inspired everyday{two words here - "everyday" is an adjective} to find new ways to succeed in life.
Cam developed his creativity while finishing his
career [education] at a small [college] in California.
did not know what to do [with] his life,
convey a story and grasp [the attention of his] readers easily. He discovered his creative side, which he [had not been] aware of.
Cam's formula of being approachable: acting as the rest.{I think "like" is better than "as" here, but it still seems too vague - the rest of what? Maybe "acting like an ordinary employee"}
... worked in the mailroom, the man cleaning [the] floors, or the man washing the windows.
He was in charge of leading the [staff of 20],
"I was approachable to all of these people [whom] I saw as friends and nothing else.
"Tell me more about your secret formula," I said. "Well, Juan, the next and most important thing to this secret formula is: being a motivator." {these are two sentences where you could be more concise} His explanation was that in any home, group, [Fortune] 500 [company], or small business,
A leader can simply give us what no one else can give, a friend. {I don't understand this part - why can only leaders give us friends? Can't you be a friend without being a leader?}
that he was capable of more and proved [to] him that those who wanted to be more confident could.
I am glad [I]met Cam, the creative, approachable,
and motivator...C.A.M.