TJLuschen
Oct 4, 2016
Undergraduate / To fear change is to fear opportunity- UIUC Transfer Essay [3]
Hi, I like your creativity in your introduction, but for an essay this short, I think you have to get to the point a lot faster. In this whole essay, the only part that actually answers the prompt specifically is your very last sentence. It is unclear why you are not satisfied or happy at UT, just that it is a "pretty good school" - that does not really give any details at all. Of course, I would not focus the whole essay on why you are disappointed at UT, but a little bit of specifics would be good. The bulk of your 300 words should focus on why UIUC is your ideal school. You have said it is "comprehensive and multifaceted", but what does that really mean? Why specifically will this university help you become an outstanding certified financial planner? I would expect to read about programs and courses in the business school that interest you, professors who impress you, and so on. In short, you need more details and specifics.
Hi, I like your creativity in your introduction, but for an essay this short, I think you have to get to the point a lot faster. In this whole essay, the only part that actually answers the prompt specifically is your very last sentence. It is unclear why you are not satisfied or happy at UT, just that it is a "pretty good school" - that does not really give any details at all. Of course, I would not focus the whole essay on why you are disappointed at UT, but a little bit of specifics would be good. The bulk of your 300 words should focus on why UIUC is your ideal school. You have said it is "comprehensive and multifaceted", but what does that really mean? Why specifically will this university help you become an outstanding certified financial planner? I would expect to read about programs and courses in the business school that interest you, professors who impress you, and so on. In short, you need more details and specifics.