Essays / Cultural ethnography interview [3]

I think that you could interview the fraternity brothers about what they know about their family history. As a participant on Genie, an ancestry website, I have seen the following as questions you would want to know: when did your family come to America? what was the make-up, of the first family here-married? how many children? what was there profession? what town, and country did they come from? what was the reason for emigrating?

If you can find out any, or all of these answers, I believe you would have a good paper.

Hope that helps!

Undergraduate / Senioritis - a term used to describe the lack of motivation displayed by students [4]

I think your topic shows a real sense of humor, and a perspective of wisdom, in looking back as an adult. This capacity to be reflexive is a mark of maturity, and I think, that this would help to convey your seriousness of purpose.

Also, in having a sense of humor, you help the reader, to relax, and listen more closely.

What you need to do, it to transition from this lack of motivation, to how you now have a commitment to higher education, and understand the benefits, of applying yourself.

I think, that you've made a strong beginning, and can work with this, for your essay.

Good luck!

Essays / Write a story based on: "U have let me down for the last time" - he roared [5]

Perhaps you are familiar, with the series "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe", ? In this series, the Lion represents, God. Also, there is the Wizards of Oz, in which the Lion is a lost travelor, looking for the Wizard, to give him courage.

Perhaps, the roaring could be a man who has the quality, of a lion, but is all out of patience, with someone, who doesn't see him that way, a friend, or relative. We usually make our ultimatums, which that is, to our closest people. Perhaps, a man yelling at his wife, because he wants to try out a new adventure, some scheme, to make money, and he was doing this thing for a long time: having ideas that were adventures, to make money. Each time met with exasperation with the wife, as to why she wouldn't be behind him, and believe in him. Maybe some of the ideas made them, lose money, or get in trouble. But now, he's not taking this negativity, from his wife, or girlfriend, anymore. In his mind, he is a hero, a courageous, adventurous, brave lion. So he roars in anger, at her disbelief.

What do you think? Hope this stimulate your own thinking. Yes, I think you should go right, to the idea.

Writing Feedback / The cool night breeze whistled softly, blowing lightly through my hair [5]

What a good beginning! My husband and I love who-done-its! You remember nothing, but a monster? The monster obviously distracted your brother, with some premise, as monsters do. What was the premise? Where did he take him? Maybe the monster, if you want to be funny, was the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street, and he merely wanted to share a cookie with your brother, outside. Are you familiar with this character, from Sesame Street? Or maybe there is a hamburglar, and he took your brother to McDonald's, and make him buy him a burger and fries?

I think, the premise is quite scary, and you should finish it with a cute, humorous, monster, to let you audience, off the hook, to relax.

I write poetry, myself, and I often write about people I know. I think your strength, is in descriptive phrases, which are well done, and very well, thought out.

If you are implying, it was all a dream, then a fictitious, almost animated monster would be plausible, and that's what I suggest.

Writing Feedback / House is a good place to protect you, to relax yourself as well as give you more freedom. [2]

Essay:
Some people would like to buy a business if they had enough money.

The house will protect you from bad weather such as raining, snowing or storming.
You don't feel hot from the sunshine when you get in the house.
Furthermore, the house can prevent traffic noise, and air pollution, to make your life more beautiful.

Imagining that you worked hard all day and you just hope to go home quickly to relax. You can watch TV, rest on your coach and have a deep sleep, on your own bed, at home.

Last but not least, if you have your own house, you can do anything you like without permission of your parents . Now, I am living with my parents and I always dream of my perfect house.

In addition, I always want a garden full of trees and flowers, where I can enjoy fresh air and a peaceful atmosphere.

These reasons may be not persuasive to all people, but they lead me personally to believe that purchasing a house has more benefits than buying a business because a house is a good place to protect you, to relax yourself, as well as give you more freedom.

I made a few word and grammar changes, just basic proofreading. The lion share of the essay, has good form, and I believe you make your point clearly.

Thanks for sharing!

Writing Feedback / 'I could bare feel the scalding handprint on my cheek' - Descriptive essay - A rash action [2]

I don't think you can use just one sentence to describe the emotional breakdown: With a stiffened breath, I gazed at my dearest fellow, and witnessed myself the moment her tears came rolling down her cheek. She was choking with sobs, embracing her injured cheeks in her palm, turning away and and leaving me with the sight of her back fading away.

I made the verb choices parallel, and added punctuation. I think it's a good story, and you really sit on the edge of your seat, waiting to see what happen! You have a nicely varied vocabulary, too. And even though the story is told in the first person, you vary the sentence structure enough to make it interesting.

Finally, I think you use imagery, to your advantage, excellently.

Good luck!

Scholarship / Every single element in this world has a role. Scholarship, Self introduction essay. [3]

[Every single element in this world has a role. However, humans can decide which one to take as their own. I grew up in a small town, shaped by the values of my family and school. Those made me an open-minded, as well as persistent person, who understands that life gives us challenges to overcome with positivism and patience. I studied thirteen years of my life since I was three years old, in the town's Public school. It was directed by Franciscan Missionaries of Maria Sisters; they lead students into the teaching life, planting their vision of protecting nature and the environment.

I was a child with a spirit of curiosity and experimentation interested in arts. I produced craft articles with every kind of old and useless materials. I was grateful, when people gave positive judgment of my works. As result, somehow I found myself driven towards architecture. I must admit that I did not notice when I was deeply involved in my studies. To enrich my academic process and feed my knowledge, I took different extracurricular activities. I was monitor in The xx Laboratory of the faculty of xxx, where I collaborated organizing different type of activities to students, as well as being part of the group of edition of the student's project magazine of the same faculty, where a couple of years later I published my work of grade.

I could manifest, architectural design turned in my hobby, and turned my ambition to be one of the recognized students of my school generation. I had the opportunity in 20xx of visit the xx as an exchange student. This had led me to the desire of taking a graduate course overseas, in order to broaden my international outlook, while simultaneously strengthening my professional abilities. I awoke a special interest in disciplines dealing with environmental resources, this interest was also a result of my project of grade, where I developed an eco park for the recuperation of a marsh edge, applying concepts of sustainable design and building technology. As a result of the dedication that my team and I gave to it, we graduated with honors, besides we were invited to give a conference to the last year students of the faculty, explaining our study method.

Afterwards, I wanted to take a breath from the academy life and I started working designing residential and commercial projects, I have gained practical experience and abilities that cannot be learned in the classroom, such as how to deal with the customers needs and solve living issues under the local law. I spent last year in xx learning English where I met people from different nationalities. I found great connection with Korean culture through friends and housemates. That is why I decided to take a trip across some Asian countries, ending up in Korea. Today, I am amazed at the dynamicness of The Seoul city, complemented by architectural and urban projects. They show new concepts in aesthetics and building technologies, being that they essentially protect the Korean cultural roots.

All of that, and also the Korean high quality education created in me motivation, to be one of the graduate students at xx which have academics high qualified and facilities that will help in the development of my studies. Also, their recognition and strength in architectural design, it would not only expand my horizons in the field of architecture, but also will give me the chance to experience deeply Korea. Furthermore, with my role of architect contribute in the living issues of today's society.

I proofread your work, for grammar and punctuation. You use a lot of very long sentences! I think you gave good reasons for studying in Korea, and any school would be happy to consider you. This essay is thorough, and gives a lot of your background and qualifications, enough to really show who you are.

Good luck to you!

Writing Feedback / House of tramps, the owner unseen. [2]

As you didn't ask for particulars I will comment generally. This is a very moving short story, with very interesting details. I hope this is not based on reality because it's very sad. I can imagine the porch dweller sitting and reigning from there. Very intimidating to the others.

I actually shared my porch and spare room with a homeless couple. We became friends, but it was very trying. Your premise rings true.

What can you say about the owner to add some missing facts? Also you could develop the relationship between the tramps and the porch guy.

Good luck!

Poetry / "Ode on a Grecian Urn" - Assisting in writing a regular ode poem. [4]

I wrote a poem about "Ode on a Grecian Urn" comparing the movie Frozen, to the characters in the poem. I agree with the other contributer, that if you write about a person it will be easier. I used a compare contrast in my own poem. This dictionary definition from the American College Dictionary is very helpful: a lyric poem typically of elaborate or irregular metrical form and expressive of exalted or enthusiastic emotion.

So write about something that you really like, a person, a place, a dream, a memory. Something which lifts you emotionally, something you can laude. You will be praising it.

Once you pick that subject, the form, if you look up the example by Keats, will assist you. It's not very hard. As I said, I've read it recently.

With those ideas in mind, you should be able to put together something suitable.

Thanks, for sharing.

ef_Carol

Essays / Significant quote that made an impact on you - suggestion for content of the essay question [4]

They want to know about you, the person. Your childhood, your education, your family. But be more personal, like writing about your hopes, and dreams; just don't mention finance, or your career. You need to look inside yourself, to find how you would like your life to improve, whether in you, or in circumstances, and see how you can achieve that. Then find a quote that would help you to do that.

I think if you talk it over with someone close to you, you will be able to find a quote that inspired you, or will inspire you, to do these changes. You could Google the question: famous quotes that inspire people, and see what comes up. You're bound to find something, that way.

When you write, you should make reference to the quote, and the person who said it, and show how it helped you to achieve those goals. Since you can't write about finance, write about your character, or again, a circumstance other than your career, which you would like to achieve.

Maybe, you would like to make a trip around the world, or take a cruise! Maybe you would like to write a book. Something special, in your heart, that you cherish, to accomplish.

In your essay you should write about the person who inspired you: there hopes and dreams, and maybe do a comparison/contrast to yours.

I hope this helps!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Opening scenes of God Father 1 & 2 ; NCEA Level 3 English Film Study Essay [3]

I made a lot of punctuation changes, mostly breaking up, lengthy sentences, and clarifying them, with new word choices and commas, or just two sentences.

In all, a well written essay, which really draws you in, and keeps your attention. Your use of camera angle descriptions, is very helpful, in making your point. One of my majors in college was film communication, and I think you appreciate both the art and the science, of what the director is doing. You seem to have a good vocabulary, which is helpful, in describing action, sequentially, without getting boring.

Good job!

ef_Carol

Grammar, Usage / "You are the first person I am sending a postcard to" - sentences correction [7]

I am writing an essay but I want to confirm if the following sentence is correct?

You are the first person I am sending a postcard to. I saw it yesterday, so I have decided to get one for you.
You've gotten a lot of good feedback, but I thought I'd contribute, my opinion.
I think you should say it this way:

You are the first person, to whom I am sending a postcard. I saw it yesterday, and so have decided to get one for you.

I believe the use of, "to whom", is better grammar. You're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, which is "to"! In the next sentence, I took out the overuse of the pronoun, "I", because I think it's better with more variety, and still has the same meaning.

Just a couple of pointers. If you want to review more of the essay, let me know.

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / The components of a thermos flask to maintain hot liquid (IELTS 1) [4]

The picture illustrates the components of a thermos flask,which is able to maintain the water's temperature for several hours. (HOW MANY?)

It has the possibility to keep hot liquids on the inside of the bottle still warm within some hours. (AGAIN, can you say how many?, approximately?)

I see no problem, with your basic understanding of the project, here. You accurately describe the thermos. People really rely on there thermos, to keep liquids warm, so I think that your details about the manufacturing side of this is relevant. Perhaps you could work on your prepositions: they need to match the object, they are talking about. Your paragraph break-up, is good, very organized. You proceed in a rationally, logical way to discuss the entire flask. Is it possible to guess, the length of time a thermos will keep the liquid warm. I know my husband's keep's his coffee warm, about seven!

I added some commas, to break up run-on sentences, and rearranged some word choices, to add to your logical description.

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / The child care centres can provide more prefessional care than ordinary family. [3]

Nowadays, there are many parents are busy with their work so they have no time look after their children .Some people think that choosing child care centres to take care of their children is the best way. While other think that just family members are competent at it. l think the child care centre is more suitable for take care of children.

The child care centres can provide more professional care than ordinary family. First of all ,all the facility in there is suitable for children to play. For example, children like to put things into their mouth,so the toys are not poisonous. The floor is soft , although children fall down they would not be injured. Further more, the nursing staff have the specialized knowledge to help children grow up better. Typically, they can deal with some situation suddenly experienced. Also the method they use to teaching children is scientific.

Moreover, children live in the children care centres not as they live in family. They have to do everything without family members' help and they can be more independent. Especially, there are much only children who easily spoiled by parents .But the child care centre is like a big family ,everyone share and enjoy the equal love from other .SO they can learn to share their things with others, not being a selfish child.

But we cannot deny, high quality child care centre are costly so, usually not every family can afford it. Nothing for nothing and very little for a half penny. Nevertheless, raising a child in family also requires spending a certain amount of money and energy.

In conclusion, thinking about developing the children of future, the child care centre is better choice than family member for look after them.

I did not correct the spelling of the word "center", because it looked like your teacher spelled it that way. I corrected spelling, possibly typos, and punctuation. Also, I cleaned up some sentences, for better clarity, and conciseness.

All in all, I think your essay is well written, and that you make a good argument for child care centers. You do give plenty of details, to support your argument, and contrast this nicely with family care.

Perhaps you should add a little more details, about family care, for example: It might be easier to trust a known family member, for the child, and the parent.

Writing Feedback / I remember my father's existence in our house since I was born. Describe a person essay. [4]

I would give you a "5"! I think you write well, but I think you should have balance a negative image of your father, with a positive one. You do add some soft thoughts, but they are largely outweighed by the critical ones. I'm sorry you feel, in conclusion that you couldn't love your father, but I'm glad you're going to try to be different, for your children.

Perhaps, if you take the conclusion, and add what you do at least like about your father, then you can go back and discuss this, in the body, of the essay. I think the word "existence" to describe your father's life in your childhood, is also too harsh, which was in your first sentence. I corrected some word choices, and added some punctuation.

[...]

Writing Feedback / Television destroys the family living and communication; Agree or Disagree? [3]

I applaud your conclusion, that T.V. is not alone in destroying family communication. You did point out some other useful ways, to look at it.

I believe you made your point about T.V. causing interference with the family structure and order.

I made some word changes, and tried to break up run-on sentences with commas, or by shortening them. It certainly paints a gloomy picture, but you made it more upbeat, by saying it could not be easily destroyed.

I enjoyed reading this essay. I think your paragraphs are well divided, but toward the end of the essay, you use too many run-on sentences. Perhaps you could take some of the other destroying factors, and elaborate on how they too contribute toward poor family communication.

Thanks for sharing!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people get married and have children after the age 30. Is it good or bad? [3]

Nowadays people get married and have children after the age 30. Is it positive or negative development? Give your opinion and examples based on your experience.

Today it has become popular among people to make a family and have kids after the age 30. This action has both benefits and drawbacks.

Nowadays it is believed that it is better to get married in both financially, morally and physically developed period. It means that people that are independent, and are able to at least provide suitable living conditions, to themselves and this is preferable to making a family. It used to be popular in western cultures, but now it is spreads throughout the whole world. Obviously, this attitude has several benefits such as stronger family or healthier and smarter children due to parents' knowledge. For example, when young couples get married, some problems could appear,such as lack of life experience or inability to find suitable job. However, older couples are more experienced and can handle their families both financially and morally.

Therefore, getting married in older age is not always beneficial. Apparently, in women the chance to become pregnant decreases with age. Young couples in comparison with older ones normally have more children. It is clear that it could be the reason of social degradation, declining number of people. For example, in Europe countries in the latest years birthrate has decreased. Accordingly, the main reason is late getting married.

In conclusion, it is obvious that to get married after 30s has both advantages and disadvantages. I think it is not catastrophe but we should keep the balance between when to get married: in early years or later and choose the middle option.

I think your organization of ideas is excellent, as is your paragraph setup. I needed to short some sentences, to make them clearer, and added punctuation. Also, I replaces some of your word choices.

Your argument is not entirely balanced, because you but more time into saying why it's beneficial to wait. I think you should give more thought to why some people don't want to wait, and give some examples, of why that would be better. Perhaps you could even say that whenever a coupled falls in love, that is possibly a good time to marry, no matter what the age!

But you did bring in the global effect about declining European birthrates, and that really underscores the point, or as you call it "social degradation"; do we really want our population to decline, just so we can wait later to get married?

I believe you made a good comparison and contrast argument, just needing a few more positive thoughts, about the advantages of getting married earlier.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / People can eat different types of food effortlessly without any difficulties in preparing it. [3]

Nowadays, food becomes easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people life? YES/NO.

These days, preparing food is much easier than such an activity in the past. Some people have different views about this alteration. While many believe this has improved people's lives since their activities become convenient, others think this has also generated dire effects on people's lifestyle as many a person depends on cooking machines and instant seasonings to prepare food. However, I strongly believe people can gain more advantages of the change than its disadvantages.

There is no doubt that in this modern era people can eat different types of food effortlessly, without any difficulties in preparing it. For example, cooking food is getting simple to do by using sophisticated kitchen utensils: for example rice cookers, microwaves and juicers. A rice cooker can be found in virtually every home. By this equipment, people do not have to do complicated processes to cook rice. Consequently, this development has helped people's live, thus they will have much more free time to do other activities while cooking.

Apart from the tangible benefits, some people argue this change has some drawbacks. First, automatic kitchen equipment has steadily replaced the way people cook manually involving physical activities. As a result, many people have a sedentary lifestyle which is harmful for people's health in the long-term period. Another thing is that the rapid growth in seasoning packets which have poor nutritional, values and unhealthy substances has led the emergence of diseases such as cancer, Alzheimer or allergies. Although people consume nutritious food, in fact, the food is not good for their health when they digest too many those seasonings in it. Hence, it is evident that unless people rely on using kitchen machines and instant seasonings, they will not get such serious medical problems.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the way people get food ready, actually has brought a better life as they can manage the time effectively and do other jobs. However, they have to do physical activity even though kitchen machines are much more practical. Likewise, they should ensure the food contains essential nutrients or has no harmful substances. Finally, this improvement should be encouraged followed by a good understanding about healthy lifestyles.

I think you present both sides of the argument fairly clearly. However, some of your sentences didn't make sense without some punctuation additions. Also, I changed some words, to make more sense.

I think you should talk about the ingredients, in the seasoning packets. Perhaps you may mention preservatives, or msg. On the plus side you could mention that some seasoning packets have nutritional additives, like vitamins, which in moderation could help you!

You need to be aware of sentence structure, not to run-on, and to break up long sentences with commas, semi-colons, and colons. I also think that you really emphasize the time saving element, by repeating it, a few times, and that is good, because it's the classic way that society has valued inventions.

Well done!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / "Two head is better than one head" - studying with other people provide an extra ideas or knowledge [3]

Your essay is very insightful, into the kinds of studying! I really think you have a grasp, on why it's better to study in a group. It's clear you have an opinion, from the three reasons that you give, for preferring the studying, group style. Your ideas are expressed clearly, as you introduced them one at a time. Then the elaboration is enough, for each point.

I shortened some of your sentences, without losing meaning. I also added commas to allow the reader to breath, in some of the other sentences. Some spelling had to be corrected, as did some word choices.

Your essay is enjoyable to read and very precise in its organization. You present the argument, then give three reasons. Then you devote one paragraph to each reason. I think that makes sense. Then by the time you reach your conclusion, the reader should feel convinced!

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / The question is if countries should cooperate with other countries instead of isolating themselves [3]

I think you did a very good job, of answering the question of isolationism. You give two good reasons, for unity. I think though, that traditionally, three arguments would be better. So you would introduce them, in the first paragraph, and sum up, in the last one.

I made a few sentence structure changes, some word choice alterations, and punctuation substitutions. I just felt you needed to consolidate some of what you were saying! You need to eliminate run-on sentences, because they weaken your argument. Be careful not to mix up sentences with fragments; make sure each sentence, has a subject and verb. I

I also added spacing between paragraphs, as I feel this adds readability, and allows the eye to rest between ideas.

Your essay really only needs a bit of work, to make it truly polished.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Book Reports / I am writing a thesis paper on Oedipus the King and I think my thesis statment. Needs some work [3]

Hey! I am writing a thesis paper on Oedipus the King and I think my thesis statement needs some work. I am not sure if I used ";" in the right place... im a just trying to fit all this information into one sentence. Can anyone help me? Here is my thesis:

Oedipus is "blind" throughout the story because of his inability to understand that the prophecy has come true and scorns the ones who try to guide him; however, Tiresias' physical blindness leads him to "see" the truth, and Jocasta is also "blind" to realize that she is married and has had children with her son.

think you know what you're trying to say, just needing a little structural tightness. I think if you use the same expression for Oedipus and Jocasta, you should quote it, which I did. and because you are comparing both Tiresias and Jocasta to Oedipus, you can put them in the second half of the sentence together, without the third semi-colon.

I think you're on the right track, but you should play with the format and content of your thesis, until you get it right, as it's the most important sentence of the essay. You are introducing the characters to be discussed, and mentioning their conflict. That's a good summation of what the essay will be about, in my opinion. What I mean by play around with it, is, you can try several, about three versions, on paper, and then see which you like the best. I think that given all the info you needed to get in one sentence, you did a good job!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / Motivation letter for International Business Administration at Rotterdam School of Management [2]

I think you did a marvelous job talking about your personal discovery experience, and how you came to be interested in the program for which you are applying. By talking about your international experience, you set the stage for going to an international school, very well. I think you could spend a little more time on why you want to go to that particular school.

Your social outlook on societies problems is commendable, and it was a good decision to mention is in the introduction, and the conclusion.

I think you have a tendency to veer into run-on sentences. Trying focusing on what you are trying to say, and break it up into logical phrases, rather than a stream of consciousness. I used some more commas, and tried to vary the sentence type. This allows the reader to pause, and catch their breath, and keeps their interest.

Good Luck!

ef_carol

Scholarship / Pen in hand, I sit poised over a blank sheet of paper, my imagination wheeling to life - Arts Award [3]

- How have the arts shaped your life so far, and how might you apply your passion for the arts to college and beyond?

I sit over a blank sheet of paper, my imagination wheeling. Within a few minutes, the sound of scratching across paper ensues. A girl with two black pigtails, and freckles gradually emerges from the white. She grins at me mischievously and gives me a half-sketched thumbs-up. I smile back as I finish, shading her skin and clothing and signing her name: Maddison. Next, I include some of her unique information: Age 14, black hair, violet eyes, energetic attitude.

Maddison is everywhere--in my sketchbooks. She takes on various forms: smudgy pencil, inky pen, wobbly neon highlighter. Her personality has never changed, and yet, mine has.

For as long as I've lived, I've always had a pen in (and all over) my hands. I can rarely recall a time where I did not have art supplies with me, whether it be crayons or Strathmore 300 Bristol paper. To me, the materials did not really matter, so long as it was possible to take Maddison with me. I drew Maddison after a long day of homeschooling; she was one of my only playtime companions. I doodled Maddison at the hospital where I waited hours for my mother to finish getting treatment for her kidneys. I sketched Maddison on the semi-trucks my father drove up and down the West Coast. Maddison was my best friend for years.

But Maddison never existed.
In truth, Maddison did not shape my life, so much as my artistic investment in her creation. Art was the catalyst by which I assuaged my loneliness and realized my potential. Like Maddison, art was and still is my lifetime companion. I hope to someday share my investment with others so that they can make friends with Maddison when they are really beginning a lifelong relationship with the arts.

- - - - - - - - - - -

(35 w over the limit of 300, so I need help shortening it!)
I need feedback ASAP because the deadline is tomorrow evening (3/31) for Pacific time!

I shortened your essay as much as I could, without changing the meaning. I think you may have to rethink it a little, and condense your description of Maddison. You need to focus, on what you really have to convey, to make the point. I tried to eliminate unnecessary descriptive phrases, and adjectives. I added some commas, too!

Your basic writing and form is good, though. The story is interesting, and tells us how you came to be an artist, and how you hope to apply your passion for art to the future. I think it's admirable to want to share as you call it, you "investment".

You didn't really address the issue of college, and how you will apply your talent to that.

I think you're on the right track. Just pay more attention to answering the questions, and less to flourish details, about the art itself, for better balance.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Essays / Describe how you are going to contribute to your community by using full knowledge obtained [4]


I think you can consider the prompt question to mean now, and in the future. Are there not some aspects of this "full knowledge obtained" that you can use NOW, in your present community. You could look up the local paper online, and see what kind of problems, and situations exist locally.

Then you could look up by googling, what volunteer organizations exist to solve or deal with that problem, locally. Another thought is to contact your local Congressperson, or Senator, and ask what needs help in your current community. Perhaps you can even volunteer with their offices.

Once you've given back to the community (pay forward) to the local scene, then you can turn your thought to your home country. I think that would take care of the proper order.

ef_Carol

Writing Feedback / Friendship essay; As a human being, one can hardly do without a friend [4]

What's the definition of friends? As a human being, one can hardly do without a friend, In addition, friends are something more important and useful to us than our own relatives. Friendship is indispensable in daily life, and it is an important role in life. The most important qualities a good friend should have are honest, supportive, and being a good listener, because these are important and essential for a friend and make a friendship last.

First, honesty is an important quality a good friend should have. No one wants a liar for a friend, who can't be trusted, or friends who talk some things bad behind their back. Untrustworthy can never be a friend. A good friends should trust each other in all situations and tell the truth no matter how harmful truth was. Everyone has a secret, but if a friend tells she/he a secret and asks them not to tell anyone, then she/he should keep the promise because the friend should be loyal to each other. Honesty protects friends strong and makes friends last.

Second, to maintain good a friendship they must support each other. A friend should not wreck she/he's dream or goal, or not be supportive whether she/he are down or sad. It's important good friends should never let she/he feel alone, and always be supportive at all times and all situations. Supportive will help she/he to achieve their goal, and become the person who they want to be.

Last, being a good listener is important and essential for a friend. What friends are for is, when sometimes a person cannot tell their parents or other people something then she/he come to their friend. if she/he feel down, ask them what's wrong, and really listen to the story or answer. Friends can give some help or advice while listening. Listening shows that a friend cares about she/he, Without listening skill, the friendship is empty.

Good friends are hard to find. Personally, when I looking for new friends, the most three important quality friends should have are honest, supportive, and a good listener. Honest friend will maintain trust in friendship, supportive will make me achieve my goal and a good listener will make our friendship last. Therefore, there is important quality in friendship.

Your essay is refreshingly honest and straightforward. I think you need to concentrate on not having run-on sentences, and on the proper use of an article. You introduce three factors that make up a friend, and then you explain each on in a paragraph, and then you conclude. This is the right form!

You need to break up the long sentences into two sentences, and use commas to allow the reader to breath. Your spelling and vocabulary are good, but I think you repeat yourself a lot, and should try for more sentence variety.

I think you're on the right track with this essay as it stands, but with a little fine tuning it could be excellent. I applaud your high standard of friendship!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Are human beings by nature primarily selfish or unselfish? SAT Essay. [3]

Are human beings by nature primarily selfish or unselfish?

The assertion that people are selfish from the moment they are born, has been a major subject to arguefor argument among psychologists and philosophers throughout the history. Humans are driven by their needs, and desire to live, which make them prioritize their problems. That is why persons are more egoistic than altruistic . There are many examples of that in history.

Back in ancient times in China, there was a philosophical movement called legalism. The major principle and belief of legalism was that a human was egoistic by nature and should be severely controlled and punished on order to overcome an inborn tendency.

The evidence of that can be found throughout the history. For instance, queen of France and Navarre, Marie Antoinette, who was a lover of all sorts of cakes and luxury balls, when heard about the lack of bread her people were facing, advised them to eat brioche instead (F rench name for sugary buns). She was so selfish to throw all the country's money to buy herself expensive commodities and arrange balls. Anyway, such and attitude was a reason of the French Revolution, in 1789.

In conclusion, every action or movement a person makes is motivated by their egoism and self-serving impulse.

Your brief essay does seem to cover the question, though. I think the two historical proofs you gave were strong enough to make the point. However, in your introduction, you said there are "many" examples. But then you only list two. Can you think of one more; this would make it "many", and not just a couple of examples.

You need to pay more attention, to your spelling and punctuation. Some of your sentences needed to be broken up, with commas, to allow for pauses for the reader, a "breathe".

Is the word, "primarily" something you could use, too, to expand a bit? Because while you made you point, perhaps you could allow that sometimes people are heroic, when called upon by necessity. Just a thought. Or you could tweak your conclusion, to repeat the word "primarily", from the question: "In conclusion, every action or movement a person makes is primarily motivated by their egoism and self-serving impulse.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Life now is better than it was 100 year ago. Agree or disagree? [3]

Over the last century, people's lives are better than before. While some people think that life, now, has brought them to a robotic era because humans are too reliant on auto technology, I personally believe that today's era gives many benefits for people.

I would argue that life now is better than 100 years ago due to the enhancement in public facilities. For example, in Singapore, many schools are built so that children can get well educated. As the result, Singapore has changed to be one of the most developed countries in the world.

In addition, people's lives now are more independent since the people can give aspirations freely about what happens around them. In Indonesia, particularly in a reformation era, people can give opinions in front of public without being afraid to be jailed. It is thus clear that people have more freedom than in the past.

However, life now also has several negative effects. The first reason is people now are becoming more individual. Since the advance technology has developed, people are more likely depend on technology than human's help. It is inevitable that the interaction between people is becoming less. Secondly, people's lives in the past are longer life than now. One of the causes is people now prefer to consume fast food, which has less nutrition, than healthy food due to their busy activities. It explains the reason why many people in the past can live until 95 years old, while mostly people now live no more than 85 years old.

In conclusion, it seems to me that although there are some drawbacks as the consequences of the world's changing, I strongly agree that life now is much better than in the past. Where possible, people awareness should be improved in order to get a balance of life especially in social activities and lifestyle.

I don't think your essay need too much in the way of improvement. I think you need to watch your verb conjugations, and your punctuation. I think you could develop your intro paragraph, of two sentences, into three or four. The second sentence is really probably too long, for easy readability. Perhaps you could say: "Some people think that life , now has brought them to a robotic era because of excessive reliance on technology. However, I personally believe that today's era gives many benefits for people."

This would break up the intro into the point-counter-point you use in the body of the text. You say that some negative things have come because of technology, but that you still think life today is better.

I'm glad you found that as a conclusion, because it is encouraging, and heart-warming.

Your general sentences structures, word choices, spelling and punctuation of actually well done. I think you need, if anything, to break up ideas into shorter, more readable thoughts, to give the reader time to breath; you can also do this by adding some commas.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Gaining knowledge through watching TV and reading books [2]

Reading books and watching TV are two main ways that help us achieve a wide range of knowledge. While it is true that books are good for imagination and language skills, I agree that watching TV is also necessary for language learners.

Some books mainly include the description of authors going along without image or photos. It is difficult for readers to understand their content if they do not try to imagine those, in their mind. As a result of this fact, readers can build an imaginary world from reading. In addition, books are also helpful in terms of learning languages. For example, grammar and vocabulary will be improved when reading a book, resulting from knowing the way of authors' writing and lexical resources.

However, reading limits some skills such as listening and speaking that with which TV can easily help us. The main reason is that while people read books, they do not often speak out loud and only keep their eyes on pages. In contrast, watching TV requires people to concentrate on listening and seeing what are happening, so listening would be improved, effectively. Through TV screens, learner observe speakers' motivation of their mouth and tongue and then imitate it exactly that leads to boosting up speaking skills.

In conclusion, both reading and watching are indispensable in today's world. While reading is a good way to improve imagination and language skills, I think that TV is also a media for leaners to improve their speaking and listening skills.

I think that you have answered the question but could use better organization, and expansion. I think you need one more paragraph, about the differences between reading and TV watching. What about books with pictures? Is this still a good forum for stimulating the reader to imagine what they are learning? How does this then compare to watching the TV? So, you could do a paragraph on how the two formats are the same; for example, in addition to books with pictures, what about a book of speeches? The reader could imagine their mouth and tongue imitating these.

Your sentences are a little long, and could benefit from breaking them up into smaller segments: either two sentences, or more commas.

Basically, however, I think you have made a good start at showing to what extent you agree or disagree with the question.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / People's lives are the result of the choices they make - examples in people and in the literature. [3]

This essay is well written. However, I think you should introduce your three characters in the first paragraph: Sam Worthington, Ahab in Moby Dick, and Huck, in The Adventures of Huck, exemplify this universal notion.

Also, you need to make sure your verb choices match how you use them, whether singular or plural. Too, your article choice needs to be sharpened.

I think you use good examples, of people's decisions affecting their lives, and you properly divided the three examples, into three paragraphs!

Then you also vary the examples, i.e. one from real life, and two from fictional life. I think the positive/negative/positive example of human decision making is effective in keeping the readers interest.

I would give you an "A". You just needed some grammar tweeking, and a little punctuation help, as I added some commas.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / The youngsters should use their opportunities to travel or work wisely - it might help to find a job [3]

I think your essay is to the point, and answers the questions adequately. However you need to be more careful about your article choices, and make sure they match the word, they go to. I think when you mention "soft skills", you should say what they are in plain terms, before, going on to the next point. How does traveling make you wise?: what challenges do you face? Enumerate these, (expand on those points).

I tightened up some of your sentences, and added commas. I think the point about unemployment is good, or that they will be stuck with lower wages.

I think you do present more benefits than disadvantages, and that does help to make your essay work, as your conclusion is proven

In general, this is well written, but needs some attention to word choice, article choice, and punctuation.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Combine studying with playing in education children is necessary [3]

I think it is a good first effort, and thank you for sharing it with us! However I did do some reconstructing if your sentences: you need to pay more attention to sentence structure. Every sentence needs a subject and verb. I think you should explain why lack of play will limit their creativity: perhaps mention crafts and they can enrich your imagination.

I agree that interesting games can be mixed into study of both English and history. When I was in school we reenacted historical plays, in history class, and that really helped me to learn the facts, as the teacher made sure we stuck to the facts!

Do you have any facts to back up the point about children's health being effected by lack of play. Perhaps you could say that this form of exercise, could help reduce childhood obesity!

Keep trying, because practice makes writing better. You did a very good job of conveying the advantages of playing as a balance to studying. I just tried to make your sentences complete, and watch your word choices. Make sure the word you pick is the one that makes the most sense for that idea: use a dictionary and thesaurus, to help you. Also, I added some commas, to allow the reader to breath.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / My future goals - what to do in the future is a decision for the rest of our life [6]

Hello, my name is Federica, I'm from Argentina, and I'll take the toefl exam in the next months.This is my first essay, I would appreciate any comments or corrections.

Thanks!

Instructions: What are your goals for the future? Write your reasons, examples and details.

Deciding what to do in the future, is sometimes a difficult thing to do.. That is, considering that is probably what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life. I think people need to take time to think deeply about what are their goals for the future. When I finished college, which was three months ago, I felt a little lost; I did not know where to start working, or just what to do. So I did not rush, and took time to find myself and think what I really wanted for the future.

One thing that I certainly want to do is travel to another country. This is a good way to grow, and learn about different matters. I feel that traveling gives you tools for life. You get to know a lot of people, different cultures, which might give you some ideas to apply to your own life.

Another thing that I want to do is keep studying. I am interested in human resources. As a Psychologist, there are many specializations in this topic that I like. For instance, there is a master called "Work and Organizational Psychology", in the same university where I got my degree. This lasts two years, and is very complete. So, this is one strong option for me to choose.

Finally, family is a very important goal for my future. I want to marry my boyfriend, work together and get a house or an apartment. Later we could have children, when we are ready, and settle down.

I believe happiness has no recipe, but for now, I think these three goals are the most important for me to achieve. They might change in the future, but I will think it over when the time approaches.

@ federica15

I think for a first essay, this is a winner! You express yourself very well, and seam to have a good vocabulary. However, I recommend that you do not use overly lengthy sentences. Separate them into shorter sentences. The same with phrases; separate them with commas. Both of these techniques help the reader to have a better flow, and to breath easier.

You seem to have fairly definite plans for your life, and they are admirable. I think you communicate them well, but should look for other ways to start a sentences, other that "I". This would give you sentence variety which they look for.

You could expand a bit too on some topics: for example: what ideas would traveling give you, which you could apply to your own life, what specific tools; language, culture comparison, living on your own?

Also, in the introduction, you should end it by mentioning the three goals. This way you set up the essay form: one paragraph to intro, three examples in a paragraph of their own, and a conclusion.

All in all though, this reads well.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / The plastic from bottles is used for further manufacture of carpets and clothing [2]

The picture shows information regarding to the process of recycling plastic bottles. In general, recycling plastic bottles needs 2 steps, that begins at the recycling center and continues at the reclaimer.

To begin with, bottle plastic must be collected to the recycling centre in order to be separated from other types of containers like glass and metal. Afterwards, the plastic bottles should be sorted by their color to exemplify their differences: the plastic bottles which have red color must be separated with other colors. The last step in the recycling process is a pressing step. Those bottles have to be pressed into bales; it is approximately 7,000 bottles per bale.

Turning to the reclaimer process, it has 5 steps. After the bottles become the bales, they should be broken by a bale chrusher in order to become plastic. Following this, the plastic is shredded into flakes that they need to be washed, rinsed and dried. As a result, the flakes are melted and put through an extruder. Finally, the flakes are formed into pellets for selling to the manufacturers. These are used to make fibers for carpets and clothing. They can also be used to make non-food containers, and other products.

Your essay is basically well-written! You need to shorten your sentences, which I did and watch your use of articles. Also needing attention is verb-conjugation.

Your use of transition phrases is good, and helps to bring a smoothness to the writing. You adequately explain in step by step fashion, the whole process, and you use language which is clear, and easy to understand. You might pick up a thesaurus, and try to find words that are similar, but have the same meaning; for example "pressing". This is used twice, and perhaps could be varied. Then the word "flakes" is used twice, which could also be looked up, and possibly replaces with a simile.

I think you used logic and narration very well, and did a good job, to start. Just some attention need to vocabulary and punctuation. Some of the longer sentences needed to be broken down with commas, and semi-colons.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Is It Better to Change Job Than to Do The Same Job? [4]

Dear Stacy,

I think you presented both sides of the argument well, and then gave your opinion nicely. You need to watch out for run-on sentences. Cut them into two shorter sentences, each with a subject and verb. Also you need to watch your selection of articles. Sometimes the article is unnecessary, too!

When deciding whether to change jobs, what else do you think, people think of? Perhaps you could come up with one more paragraph with another idea in favor of changing: for example moving to a new city or state teaches you about the world of a different culture. This can help you to mature, and that can only help you, on the job. Maybe you can think of another idea?

I think you really focused on the topic of boredom, very well. You contrasted that with stress. Is this perhaps too cut-and-dry? Maybe you should present a little more balance by saying that there is no consequence to being bored, but that you personally feel uncomfortable, and like to be challenged.

I broke up some of your sentences, with more punctuation, and a lot of commas. You need to give the reader a chance to breath, or pause, while reading.

I think you answered the question, and with a little work, the essay will be fine.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / SAT Practice Essay (College Board Blue Book Practice Test 1) [2]

I think your first written essay is very good, to excellent! However, I would recommend giving more than one example, to back up your opinion. The example you give is very detailed, very passionate, and very insightful, but I would say that your essay would benefit from another paragraph. Perhaps you could even give an example of a time when listening to authority could save our lives: for example, in 911, the firefighters and policeman saved a lot of lives. Had the people not listened to these authorities, they may not have survived.

Your writing is varied, and allows the reader to stay interested, in terms of sentence variety. Your grammar and punctuation are good, too.

I recommend that you pay more attention to what article you use, and realize that sometimes you don't need one! Also, you need to break up sentences with commas, to allow proper pacing in the reader's breathing.

Avoid using the same word choice, for two sentences in a row. Try using a thesaurus, or dictionary, for that.

All in all, though, job well done!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Number of private cars increased and its effects [6]

Nowadays,as the number of private cars has increased, so has the pollution in many cities.

The first question that comes up, in my mind, is whyhow do people get private cars so easily?

I think it's better to reduce their subsidy, and use it to other critical sectors, like to equalize equalizing the development and educational level of each province.

I think your essay has merit, and could be excellent with some attention to certain improvement. First of all, you need to pay attention to punctuation. Many sentences can be improved with clauses sectioned off by commas. Also, you need to make sure you are using the correct form of a verb, when you use it.

I believe the intro sentence is stronger, by implying a cause/reaction, which is really the argument you propose throughout the essay: that unrestrained private use of cars will lead to too much pollution.

I think your essay makes a good point, at concluding with peoples' attitudes and the government, in need of change.

It's got basic potential, but needs to fix the use of correct articles with their nouns. This is important for a well-polished effect.

All in all, good job!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / Is cheating wrong? Quotes of Sophocles and Susannah Centlivre [2]

Therefore, is cheating acceptable as just a normal way of life or is it plain out wrong and never justified? What is the reason for this?

You need to break up this sentence into two parts. One because it's too long, and the reader needs to breath, and two, because it's two ideas.

With this as their mindset, they now see cheating as the easy way out inmost situations in which they find themselves.

You need to make sure you use of articles is correct, and try not to end a sentence with a preposition

Whenever he or sheoneaccomplish accomplishes something on their own without cheating, it makes them feel proud and satisfied in a job well done.

You need to have your subject match your predicate. In this case you mean anyone accomplishes.

I think you really made the point that cheating is not a victimless crime. Also you present both sides of whether it's right or wrong. I think you seem to have a firm opinion, and that it comes through clearly.

This is a fine essay, with necessary corrections in article use, verb matching and tense, and keeping a balance to the use of opinion, versus fact.

ef_carol

Undergraduate / "the world gets a lot bigger when you're living small" - Peace Corps Essay [2]

I think you did a good job summing up your experience that would make you good candidate. Your work with birds shows you are sensitive and empathetic. Plus you are working with people, which the Peacecore does!

I believe your tone of sincerity will help you bring in a positive result. I don't think you can be too sensitive.

Also, your organization and grammar are good, as is your punctuation.

In addition you mentioned two qualities which would come in handy with the Core: courageousness, and adaptable, both of which would be great
for possibly serving overseas with them.

I think this is a fine start, good job!

Writing Feedback / What influence people's personality more - born-characteristics or their experience? [3]

However, I personally argue that people who have any experiences are more influenced for people's personality because people can achieve some information by surrounding they live in.

This sentence could be corrected by the following: However, I argue that people's experience are more influential on their personality because they can receive information by the surrounding they live in.

If you look at the corrected sentence you will see that I shortened it to elicit a clearer meaning. This allows the reader to breath, and to follow what you are saying. To say you personally argue is redundant. Any argument you make would be personal, from you. Do you know what I mean. That is the meaning of the word personal. And what you are trying to say is that the experiences influence the personality, not the reverse. I think that needed clearing up.

You might even want to rewrite this further by saying "the surrounding in which they live", thereby not ending the sentence with a preposition, which is more proper English! To sum up, it seems to me that even though people's first characteristics have affect for people's personality, people's experience is becoming the major affect which develop people's personality and development. It is imperative that people should know what experience that can improve their personality

I think your conclusion is weak, because it needs the following edits: To sum up, it seems that even though people's first characteristics affect their personality, their experience becomes the major affect which develops this.

Your concluding sentence is repetitive in it's use of words. Try to avoid wordiness, because this makes for a slower read. Also, use of the correct verb form is very important. This also lends strength to your argument.

In general I think you did a good job, of making your point, but the writing weaknesses I addressed need to be looked at.

ef_carol

Undergraduate / 'My friend forever' - give some words about someone you know well [2]

I think your essay is basically well written, but you need to pay more attention to word choice.

I know since I know about 15th year.

Corrected: I have known him about fifteen years.

You are trying to say that you have known him, but you repeated the verb.

You need to check you verb conjugations to make sure they match the subject of the sentence, and the tense. Did it happen in the past? Then the whole sentence has to be in the past.

He is a very good singer he had been performed in many places.
You need to be more specific about where he performed, did he get paid, didthe audience like him,etc.

Corrected: He is a very good singer and has performed in many places.

Again, the verb tense needs to be consistent and match the other one in the sentence. Also, you were repetitive and that is uneccessary.

I think you wrote a nice tribute to frinship, and gave enoughdetails about your friend.

Good job!

ef_carol