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Posts by ochio
Name: Rosyidah
Joined: Oct 5, 2015
Last Post: Nov 18, 2015
Threads: 13
Posts: 10  
Likes: 5
From: Indonesia
School: MH.Thamrin

Displayed posts: 23
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ochio   
Nov 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the percentages of people visiting several places in Australia [3]

A breakdown of the percentages of people visiting several places, divided by four different groups of people living in Australia is presented in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that people living in Australia tend to go to cinema, while theatre is the least popular place visiting by Australians.

Majority of cinema visitors are native Australians, with 70%. Coming second is the group of migrants, who born in other English-speaking countries. This figure is about 65%. However, a half of migrants from other countries also prefered to go to cinema.

Newcomers, who born in the west countries experienced as the highest percentage in the theatre visitors. The rate is a quarter. In contrast, the percentages for people, who born in Australia and other states only 20% and 10% respectively.

On the other hand, the proportions of people going to the zoo and library are relatively the same. However, the group of English-speaking migrants ranks first by 50% in the number of tourists for zoo, while the visitors of the library was dominated by Australian tourists, who born in other countries. The figure is more than a half.




ochio   
Nov 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Same national curriculum; imbalance in the development rather than the intended unity for the school [2]

Every child has its own potential of learning ...

Every child has own interests and potentials in their studies and every teacher has their own learning methods. I believe that stick to the curriculum designed by government until enter college could lead to imbalance in students' education. So, it is more effective if the government authorizes schools to create their own syllabus according to the teacher capabilities and the competence of the students.
ochio   
Nov 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Life and a relation of entertainers (such as actors, singers or footballs) [2]

Life and a relation of entertainers (such as actors, singers or footballs) are reported by the media. There is a perspective that the media should spend more time to report the living of normal people instead. I believe that the perspective can give advantages to people if a reporter describes something which can inspire.

Let me help you with your writing...

Media tend to report the lives of public figures such as actors, football players or politicians. However, some people argue that the media should inform more content related to non-celebrity society. I personally agree that the ordinary people who do extraordinary things deserve more publication from the media, because this is more inspiring for the public.
ochio   
Nov 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / The wind turbine design and the proper position to locate it in order to generate more energy [3]

The design for a wind turbine and its location - Writing IELTS task 1

The diagrams illustrate a wind turbine design and the proper position to locate it in order to generate more energy from the wind. Overall, locations for building turbine is very essential to reach the maximun amount of of electricity output that can be produced by the turbine.

Firstly, a wind turbine consist of a high steel tower where several materials are installed on it. The are also blades which are made from fibreglass or wood, a wind sensor for adjusting wind speed and direction, a generator which is able to produce electricity about 1.5 megawatts, and a computer that has a function to receive information from wind sensor such as speed and direction, then it will adjust the the direction and angle of blades to obtain the optimal wind speed.

Besides of the turbine structure, determine the location is another factor which can affect the amount of output that is produced by the turbine. When a turbine is built in the landscape, the wind strengths which is received by the turbine is weak. It only produces low electircity power. However, placing turbine in the dwell area is more effective than placing it in the low location, because it can produce about 100 kilowatts electricity. Furthermore, compared to both areas, on top of hill or high level places is the best location to install the wind turbine, because it can receive maximum wind strenghts to generate it. As a result of this, the electricity power can be produce much more optimum.




ochio   
Nov 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / Diversity of household activities based on sex in the United Kingdom [2]

Division of household tasks: by genders, Great Britain - IELTS writing task 1

The chart gives information about diversity of household activities based on sex in the United Kingdom. Overall, it can be seen that females spend much time on cooking baking and washing up more than they spend on other tasks, while males tend to do gardening and pet care.

Compared to men, women are likely to do housewifery tasks such as cooking, cleaning house, taking care of children, and washing/ironing clothes. However, the tasks which they spend much time on are cooking,baking or washing up. The average of time they spend on them is 75 minutes per day. In contrast to this, they just provide ten minutes of their time to maintenance odd jobs.

On the other hand, men like to do gardening and pet care-taking task. They usually spend 50 minutes a day to do them. Besides those activities, they are also likely to spend their time on cooking,baking and washing up. However, the less favorite household activities they do are washing, ironing and, sewing clothes. They barely to allocate their time on them.




ochio   
Nov 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / Social and economic indicators: developed countries Vs undeveloped countries - IELTS writing task 1 [2]

The table compares several important economic and social factors of four different countries such as Canada, Japan, Peru and Zaire based on United Nations data in 1994. Overall, as shown in the table, Canada and Japan had more better economic and social state than the other two countries.

According to the data, Japan had the highest per capita income among the countries, then followed by Canada, while Peru and Zaire had very low income per person. Japanese income per capita was over $15.000, Peru and Zaire did not even reach 200 USD. Moreover, wealthier countries had higher adults' literacy rates than the impoverished ones. Nearly every the Canadians and Japanese adults understood the written language, while less than two-thirds of Peru's dwellers and only 34% of Zaire's adults were literate.

Furthermore, the life expectancy at birth in Japan and Canada was high. Their population had over 70 years life expectancy, while people of Peru and Zaire only had around 50 years. As a result, Japanese and Canada people tend to live more than twenty years longer than the residents in Peru and Zaire. Moreover, the people from developed countries consume calories per person roughly about 3000 per day, while the people from undeveloped countries consume only less than 2000 calorie.




ochio   
Nov 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Air Exchange: Discards Steam and How Heat Dissappears (IELTS Task 1) [2]

- In the first floor, the house experienceshas dryer vent and crawl spacein the first floo r, thenwhile in the second flooralsothere are kitchen fan vent and electrical outlet in the second floor . In addition, in the ceiling of the house, there are attic hatch, bathroom fan vent, and plumbing stack vent.

- At the first stage shows the air gettinggets into the house through the dryer vent and kitchen fan vent all together. Then, air flows to upward and pass through the ventilations which can be found at kitchen and family or private rooms. Also, recessed light in the floor continues to emit heat and energy to the air.to the attic,
ochio   
Nov 1, 2015
Research Papers / Assisted Suicide: Who truly has the right over our death [2]

- Physician Assisted Suicide: Who truly has the Rightright over our Deathdeath

- remember,contractions such as don't, didn't, and isn't should not be used in formal writing. You should write do not, did not, and is not instead.
ochio   
Oct 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Swing basket in the river or a bucket tied with ropes connected to a pulley - collecting water [3]

The diagrams show two methods of collecting water for irrigation system from different water sources. Those demonstrate how basic equipments can be used in irrigation in just a few steps.

The first method called swing basket. It uses some tools such as ropes and a basket made of bamboo or leather. First of all, ropes are tied to four sides of the basket as handles. Then, two peoples stand opposite each while holding the ropes. Next, they throw the basket into the river. When the water is collected, they pull the handles together in unison, swing them, then pour it into irrigation channel before it stream to fields.

Other method is rope and bucket. This is more complicated than to the swing basket method. This system needs a bucket, a pulley, and rollers as tools. First, a bucket is tied with two ropes that are connected to a pulley and rollers. After that, the bucket is thrown into a 50 metres depth well. After the water fills the bucket, a cow pull it out of the well. Finally, the water in the bucket will be poured into the irrigation channels.




ochio   
Oct 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Which is More Important, Building an Impressive Buildings or Improving Inhabitant's Facilities? [3]

- I think it is important to build it in a city, because the building can attract many tourists to go to that city, and also it will bring a lot of benefits for the city.

You need to present your essay with more formal tone. 'to go to that city' I would suggest you to replace 'go' verb

-Burj Khalifa, the highest building in the world, whichcan catch many individuals to attend it and talk about it in every regionall over the world . Then, an unique building always becomebecomes a landmark of the town, it can be an icon to advertise anything in the town.

- you use 'building an educational and health facilities' phrases multiple times. it will be good if you find other words which have same meaning
ochio   
Oct 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Social Life in Apartment Buildings - IELTS Writing Task 2 [6]

Some people say that living in a high-rise apartment block is a lonely experience because there is no community spirit. Others say that people who live in high-rise apartments have a much better sense of community than those who live in houses.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Living in residential tower is arguable. Despite of some opinions say that living in tower block could isolate residents from the community, many people believe that people who live in apartment tower have a feeling of belonging to community better than those who live in complex houses. In this essay, I will look at some of the arguments for and against living in block of flats.

People have several arguments against living in a high-rise building block. People have several arguments against living in a high-rise building block. They say it is not the best choice to develop social life by dwelling in apartment complex. Living in tower block require less commitment by the inhabitants. As a result, the tenants disassociate themselves from the society. In addition, they tend to live individually and lack of communication among their neighbors. It surely causes a lonely experience for the dwellers.

However, some people do not agree with those statements. In their point of view, actually residing in a flat could be a good option for people who like to socialise more. For example, a conversation started with a simple hello, turns into a long hours communication. Furthermore, residents tend to meet different kind of people, so there are higher chances to build social skills.

To conclude, although some people argue that dwellers of apartment building would feel lonely because of poor communication with neighborhood, I would agree that actually living in the tower block is more effective to develop social life because the tenants have more chance to encounter more different type of people.
ochio   
Oct 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Gain a better experience by traveling to another country - IELTS Task 2 [2]

Some people say that you can learn more about another country by watching television programmes and films about it than by actually visiting it. How true is this statement? Is there anything you can learn about another country by visiting it that you cannot learn by watching programmes and films about it?

Several individuals argue that to have knowledge about another state you should not really visit that country. You just need to get any information about it from television programmes or through films instead. It cannot be denied that media like television could report excellent information about a country, but I believe that by visiting the place you would probably obtain more experience which you cannot achieve just by testifying it from television.

To begin with, it is impossible for everyone to visit every country in the world for many reasons such as the long distance, high cost, or lack of time to go on a trip. So, documentation reports about other country are surely worth to watch because those provide major contribution for human knowledge about another country in general. For instance, an British travel television series called 'Globe Trekker'. Each episode features a traveller who travels with a camera crew to a country to experience the sights, sounds, and culture that the location has to offer.

However, it is not satisfying enough to know about a place by just watching it on TV. I would argue that by living in situations you would never encounter at home before, this is great experience for you when you come back to your routine. In addition, traveling creates a lifetime memories that you could share people afterwards. You surely cannot achieve those memories when you just explore another country by just sitting in front of television.

To conclude, it is fair if several people think that you just need to watch television programmes and films to witness and know in general about other places over the world, because not all people afford to visit the locations for some reasons. Nevertheless, to gain the real experience, people should travel to that place instead.
ochio   
Oct 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Have a great job is the only key to get happiness. Do you agree? - Writing IELTS Task 2 [2]

Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important.

Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job they really enjoy?

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People argue that the recipe to become happy is to own an occupation which they love the most. Meanwhile, there are also some people think that the major reason why we can get happiness is not only caused by getting a great job but also acquired from other factors such as having a lovely family and having peaceful relationship with society. In my point of view, the second opinion is more acceptable. Having a pleasant job is wonderful but it is not wise to say that is the only way to obtain bliss in life.

Some people who consider that job is the primary source of happiness have some arguments about it. In their opinion, the ultimate reason is most employees will feel satisfied and glad when their work can draw praises and appropriate rewards. And also, when they find that their hard work is not pointless, they will get more motivation. In addition, when people get stressed and feel pressed from the work, it will decrease their happiness level as well. So, possessing a stable and non stressful career is greatly important to make people acquire their happiness.

On the other hand, several people think that the way to achieve joy is not only owning success at work but also effected by other factors . When individuals are surrounded by their loved ones and feel secured by a safe and comfortable environment around them, it undoubtedly will give

significant effect to their mood. Besides, having good relationship with colleagues and societies is going to raise the level of people's blessedness.

It can be concluded that having a job you love to do is cannot guarantee that you will be happy in life. As far as I concern, if people want to gain more happiness, they have to maintain a balance between work, family life, and community relations.
ochio   
Oct 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The most crucial creation in the last 30 years - the Internet [4]

- Over recent (years) <= In my opinion,use 'decades' is better
- Most of people use the internet because it has more merits for their lifelives
- I would argue that both of them havethe internet has both positive and negative implications.
-people tend to confuseget confused because they have bounded rationality because mankindand cannot filter plenty of information.
-In these days, the internet has revolutionized the communication system
-Those can use feature of internet such as email. => give more examples besides email
-I believe that the existence of the internet helphelps our life more simply even though it has an obviously deteriorating effect. So, it depends onyou howhow youto usinguse the internet.
ochio   
Oct 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / With the invention of the internet, mankind have been benefited in many aspects of their lives [4]

I post my essay on wrong category. I supposed to post this in writing feedback category. (corrected) But I hope you still want to correct my essay.

The internet is probably the most significant invention of the last 30 years. Without it, our lives would be completely different. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

With the invention of the internet, mankind have been benefited in many aspects of their lives such as in education sector, business world, lifestyle and also in terms of communication. These days, humans cannot be separated from the internet. However, sometimes it also causes negative impacts aside from the benefits that are offered by the Internet itself.

Before the internet was invented and became a trend, it is not easy for people to communicate with one another remotely. Thanks to the internet, people can save costs and time to keep being connected to each other by using facebook,twitter, email and so on. In addition, the Internet is also used as an effective media to carry out marketing activity in business. This is evidenced by many online stores that are available on the internet these days. This facility is definitely favorable for both the sellers and the purchasers. In terms of education, the Internet also provides a very significant transformation. Students can use media such as google and wikipedia to get useful information as reference.

Standing in contrast, there are also the drawbacks of the internet for the society. People tend to depend on the internet too much. They spend much time on social networks instead of in the real world. Another dire effect of internet is netizen are prone to become the objects of cyber crime. So, the users of internet have to defend themselves from being victims of online scams, fraud, identity theft, cyberbullying and other risks.

To conclude, the existence of the internet greatly causes many changes in the way of people life. Every the positive benefit of the Internet is very helpful in human life, although there are still some flaws. However, these deficiencies can be prevented and avoided if people be more careful and use the internet for good purposes only.
ochio   
Oct 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should we foster the sense of sacrifice to younger generation as a portion of people have suggested? [5]

-However, a multitude of schools have already provided a number of opportunities to those what who want to participated participate in.. (I suggest you to give an example for this statement)

-the students are a littlekind of spoiled nowadays
-In China, many students only have one goal in high school which is getting a remarkable score to enter to top university (You have to support this statement with a scientific fact)

-Not only will they donate money,they do not only donate money to participate in charity
-I believed that some of theythem are the heroes of high school students.
ochio   
Oct 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Living in the same place for the rest of your life VS move around. What do you prefer?- IELTS task 2 [2]

In the past, people usually stayed in one place throughout their life. These day, people often move around. They often live in several different places in their lifetime. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both?

Society nowadays has transformed. The way of people live has changed a lot compares to the past. Back then, people mostly dwelt in one area for the rest of their lives, while lately people tend to move from one place to another place. I would argue that there were benefits and drawbacks of living permanently in certain location. However, spending life in some different areas provides more advantages and fewer disadvantages than just living in a place.

In my opinion, the benefit of living in one place was people should not start to build relationship with the new society. It cannot be denied that was kind of hard to get used and feel comfortable to the new surroundings. On the other hand, the advantages that can be acquired when humans live in several different areas is they will not feel awkward when they have to face the new and extremely different situation from what they regularly met before. They have motto "The change is good". In addition, they could learn different custom and behaviors of the places they live.

In stark contrast, people who stayed in the same place and never tried to move to another places, they could not gain much experience and could not obtain opportunity to develop their knowledge about other cultures beyond their community, while the folks who move from place to place they have to be independent because they cannot rely on their neighbors. They do not get any chances to have a good relationship with them.

It can be concluded that reside steadily in one area are unsuitable for society nowadays. We have to welcome any changes in our life because it can lead us to the better life and avoid us from the boredom.
ochio   
Oct 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Career preparation, increasing knowledge and exploring new experiences; why people attend university [5]

Welcome fellow, let me try to correct your essay. I'm a new member too, so I also still need to improve ^^

-In your opinion, what is are the reasons make people attend university.
- there are three most important reasons that aresuch as career preparation, increasing knowledge and exploring new experiences.
- Modern society requires employees advanced their knowledge beside(the word beside is a preposition.It means close to or next to)besides(the preposition 'besides' means in addition to or apart from) of high school diploma

-higher pay(it is better if you choose other words such as wage,salary,income or earnings)
-compares to one who only completed high school.
ochio   
Oct 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Which one is more important, impressive buildings or public facilities? [5]

Some people think that large, impressive buildings are important for a city. Others believe that the money should be spent on improving schools and hospitals. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience!


Several people argue that build outstanding buildings is very essential for a city. However, some consider that government should allocate more funds to improve education facilities and modernize the health care amenities.

Nowadays, many cities are in a race to build remarkable buildings in the world. Many buildings have been built in the city with the impressive and unique designed as a symbol of the city. The government wants to present the city to the tourists, and tries to persuade them to come and visit the buildings.The number of tourists who come to the city could help to increase the financial income for the city and also its local citizens. For example, Trans Studio Bandung is an large and popular building in Bandung. There are many features are provided by the building, such as indoor amusement park, mall, and food court. After the building were built in 2011, it eventually became one of the city icons and tourist destinations.

As far as I concern, It is not only great buildings are needed in a city, but also vital facilities such as schools and hospitals. Without those facilities,it will decline townsfolk's quality of life. Furthermore, the government as decision-maker should manage the city's budget wisely and avoid to waste money for the worthless projects.

In conclusion, It is decent to construct great buildings to attract visitors to the city and earn money from that, but the stakeholders should not neglect other aspects. On the other hand, development should be focused on urgent projects instead of the less useful projects.
ochio   
Oct 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / In the globalisation era, the transportation improvement increased hugely - especially the flights [2]

- As some people know that a wide range of themmost of people prefer to use thisair transportfor travelling to theto reach their destinations.

- There are different purposes why people tend to utilize air plane for a holidayas a transportation . For instance attending the business agenda which need hurry time, (even in the commercial.?)or going holiday.

- almost everyone knows that withthe benefits of traveling by planes, he can gopeople can go to other places all over the world despite of the far distancealthough that is too far . There is no longer distance in the world

- reach their destination just in a couple hours.
- This should be pesteredsupported by the government by keepingmaintaining the aviation facilities without adding the taxes to the passengers.
ochio   
Oct 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Respect the environment by travelling with responsible manner - IELTS : Writing Task 2 [4]

Some people argue that tourism could effect the traveler destinations negatively. The effects are primarily related to issues of global warming and man-made climate change.

In my view, I cannot deny that tourism activity gives some negative impacts to the environment. Even though the countries which people visit gain income from the tourism, the harmful effects of that activity cannot be avoided. Some of the negative impacts from tourism occur when the amount of visitors is greater than the environment's ability to deal with the visitor volume. Tourism development may lead to soil erosion, increased pollution and litter, raised pressure on endangered species of animals and plants, and heightened vulnerability to deforestation, as well as loss of biodiversity. The environmental costs of exotic tourism on an industrial scale have become all too evident. For instance, the Everest Base Camp, The 17,598-foot trekkers' refuge high in the Nepali Himalayas is now strewn with rubbish from years of climbing expeditions.

Some countries have tried to protect their environment. For Example, In Bhutan, authorities used to cap the total number of tourist visas issued per year. However, those are not enough to avoid the demaging effects of tourisme. Tourists also have to take action for those issues by using technology to avoid waste. Purchase electronic-tickets for airline travel and use mobile technology for boarding passes and ask for invoices to be emailed instead of having a paper receipt that will go to waste or have to be recycled. In addition, look up the environmental record of the hotel or resort you're staying in, choose a tour company that is ecologically friendly, and avoid destinations that are already overdeveloped.

In conclusion,traveling is a wonderful adventure. Do it in a sensitive and responsible way will make the experiences more meaningful and authentic. As a tourist, everyone has to keep a good manner and respect the environment.
ochio   
Oct 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / Appearance or Education? More concern about the education and the soundness of citizens is required [2]

- the most important (You need to add an object(noun) after the 'important' word) to be improved are school and social facilitypublic facilities , such as hospitals and schools , rather than increase the number of amazing constructions

- And I strongly agree that the government of a countrya city(You should write a city instead of a country because in the first line you talk about a city) should more concern about . . .

- Countries which have incredible edifices indicatesindicate that they are developing countries.
- to improve particular strength of their country, so they can be glorious at particulardistinctive/specific part.
- to facilitate hisits guests (Brazil is an inanimate subject)
- the government builds facilityfacilities for the inhabitantinhabitants and of coursesurely to help people more enjoy their life or even to attract touristtourists to visit the country.

- Dubai built it to show hisits money power (Dubai is an inanimate object).
- Dubai is the most advantageous place for invest their money investing due to hisits development.
- social facilities and schools should be the main focus of the government.
- education and health of the inhabitantcitizens should be the primary concern by him.
- Brazil is one of the countrycountries(must plural)
ochio   
Oct 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / Are the so called 'talent shows' effective to find the real talents? IELTS Task 2 [2]

Nowadays, talent shows have stolen public interest and become a trend. In the television we can watch talented people compete with each other to become the best in competitions such as Indonesian Idol, Indonesia Mencari Bakat, X Factor Indonesia, and Master Chef Indonesia.

Talent programs are surely entertaiment, because those make audiences curious about the ending result of the event. The atmosphere which the creative team build while the show airing and the story behind the scene cause the shows become more attractive to watch. For instance, the viewers of Indonesian Idol program are not only interested with the talent of the candidates, but also the background of them. Some of the competitors tend to sell their stories instead of presenting their real talent. The role of media is also vital for promoting. They likely to expose the participants' life to capture people attention. So, it is not pure competitors' fault if they get more symphaty for their background life instead of their natural ability. However, it can result unfair judgement in the contest. Sometimes, the contestants who come as the winner do not really deserve the championship.

In my point of view, aside from the entertaining part, those shows are also profitable and can earn massive income for the promotor and the television station. They receive many sponsors from several brand to support the events finacially and to provide the reward for the winners. It is not surprising if the winners of talent shows obtain big money for a prize.

In conclusion, even the intention of talent shows is to find the outstanding talents, it is not really effective because the event do not run objectively. So, Instead of finding the real talented stars, those shows mostly just provide entertaiment.