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Posts by tal105
Joined: Jul 27, 2009
Last Post: Feb 20, 2011
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Posts: 130  

From: United States of America

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tal105   
Feb 14, 2011
Research Papers / "don't shoot the messenger" - essay for my intro to latin american study class [3]

hey guys:) id like if you can help me with this. now, this essay was supposed to be written based off of two essays/papers we read in class and i didnt post them, but i know you guys are smart and can still help me.

now, im a freshman in college, and i havent written papers for college yet, so please tell me i guess if its up to par. its due tomorrow, so i dont have a lot of time, but id like some feedback. just even if its grammar mistakes. im really worried about it.

i go to johns hopkins btw.

and here it is... (its non fiction writing btw)
and she didnt really give us a topic to write on, but it is somethign liek "compare the european gaze with the indiginous perspective" or something like that. shes RLY not that great at telling us essay topics or organization.

thanks;)

The 15th century conquest has left both the indigenous people of the Americas and the Europeans disputing on what occurred. Both parties attempt to justify their reasoning for the situation, and it is up to readers to interpret and decide what they believe. Who was to blame for the conflicting indigenous prospective, and European gaze? The messengers of both sides played an important role in relaying exaggerated information to their leaders, causing perhaps the taking over of the indigenous people.

When the conquistadores arrived in the 16th centuries, they discovered this new place of spices, opportunity, and hope. Men like Christopher Columbus were sent to report back to Spain about the land and, give his opinion on what it was like and all the other Europeans took his word. Columbus arrived, saw the beautiful fauna of the Americas, and the lands' potential, and embellished a little bit in his report.

Columbus, didn't so much discover America, since there were already indigenous people living there, as much as he painted the picture of what the America's were like to the Spaniards. In his letter to Luis de Sant Angel, he writes "...varied forms, accessible, and full of trees of endless varieties, so high that they seem to touch the sky..." and "...covered with blossoms, some with fruit, and some in other conditions...". Columbus told the Spaniards the land had resources that were not found in Spain, and this would appeal to the king. Columbus' report was the first step in the European's idea for take over.

Even worse than how special he makes the land out to be is how he portrays the people that inhabit it. Since he already makes the land out to be an area they have to be in control of, the people are the only thing getting in the way; they were these specs that weren't as beautiful as the land. Since the people are just a tiny problem to take care of, he tells the King things like "...they appear extraordinarily timid" and they have weapons they are afraid to use. While these characteristics will make it easier for the Spaniards to take over, he doesn't dispute the native's intelligence. He mentions they can understand each other, which seems to surprise him since they live in the wild. They navigate the sea, which is useful to him and his people, and they can be easily manipulated [to Catholicism] since they don't follow any religion. Looking closely at what Columbus does, he paints a pictures to the Spaniards that this land is the perfect new world, the Natives are the perfect people-both intelligent and easy to overpower, making it easier for the Spaniards to get what they want.

While some of these exaggerations are refuted in Broken Spears, messengers are again put to use by the ruler, (in this case chief). When the Spaniards arrived, the natives didn't see them as strangers, but welcomed them as gods; so unbeknownst to the Spaniards they did in fact believe in a higher power. In Columbus's letter to Luis he writes "...I gave them some of everything I had, without receiving anything in return..." while in Broken Spears, the Natives recount giving to their "Gods" (Spaniards) "...quetzal feathers, its ornaments of gold and mother-of-pearl." Columbus depicted them as helpless, and needy. The message he painted to the Spaniards was a false one that showed the Natives as people who would, in fact benefit from the European's taking over. The idea of manifest destiny is best showed here; that it is the job of the Europeans to help the poor less fortunate countries. Really those "poor, less fortunate countries" had a system that worked for them.

The natives, however told a different story. When they came in contact with the Spaniards they showered them with gifts because they thought they were these gods. This is the antithesis of what Columbus wrote back in his letter because they were not these selfish people that were living in these difficult conditions that they needed saving as he described. They in face were able to provide for themselves by making nature work for them although they did not have eastern luxuries. They even had things to share with the Spaniards, and from in Broken Spears the Natives described the Spaniards as the selfish ones. When the natives tried to give them gifts, the response: "The Captain asked them: 'And this is all?' "

But the Spaniards were not the only ones responsible for sending skewed messages; the Natives were responsible of it as well. For example, when Motecuhzoma sent his messengers to scope out the situation (the Spaniards arrival), instead of giving Motecuhzoma the strength to take action, there report made him more fearful. When the messengers came back to report, they told their chief about the weapons. The messengers described the cannons as "...is aimed against a mountain, the mountain splits and cracks open...Most unnatural sight, as if the tree had exploded from within." The messengers had also done what Columbus had done in his letter, and exaggerated to their chief, making it seem as if their entire civilization could not do anything to save themselves.

Both sides show a heavy reliance on messengers for the sole reason of the chief or king not wanting to explore the land themselves. However, this is not always a great idea because these messengers do exaggerate as did Columbus and the messengers of Motecuhzoma. The Spaniards in return, were painted a picture of this great place that has such potential, and also has these timid people that could be easily overpowered, so the king felt it necessary to send in knights. Motecuhzoma was painted a picture by his messengers of these people (the Spaniards) with these "stags" horses, that were larger than life, and a type of vicious animal, these European gods they could not satisfy and they had these weapons they could not compare to. This gave Motecuhzoma fear, and made him a worse leader for his people and allowed him the Europeans to easily come in and take over.

So the common phrase of "don't shoot the messenger" is not always accurate, and is not pertinent to this situation. While the chief of the natives and the King of the Spain thought, at the moment it would be more convenient to send messengers, they would have been much more successful if they had went themselves. Instead they both got exaggerated versions of the truth, like a game of telephone, from the people they sent that put either put them in fear, or made them take extreme action, respectively. Both the indigenous perspective and the European gaze, are thus not entirely accurate since they were ideas planted by just a few people-mere messengers reporting-rather than ideas seen first hand by the entire group of people.
tal105   
Nov 6, 2009
Undergraduate / U of Michigan, gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. [9]

in my opinion, i think its necessary that you mention your korean. you sorta just leave the reader to assume that from this essay. i think its importatn for you to say "being korean growing up in traditional korean society..." or w.e. you wrote i think will help the flow.

o answer 'no', especially in Korean society where strict formalities exist; students would bow to teachers rather than saying 'hello' and use the terms of respect.

see! you just say in korean society. u assume the reader knows your korean! lol.

besides that and grammar stuff, this is very nice.

My old friend of a different culture

good luck!
tal105   
Oct 26, 2009
Undergraduate / track! ("I am able to do more") [3]

comments plze :)

I inhale. I exhale. For twenty minutes those are the only two things that I concentrate on. My heart beat races. The air around me is hot and heavy. Below me, I can feel the pieces of wood against the soles of my feet. I start to slow down as I approach the wall that I'm dreading. I inhale. I exhale. I ignore the soreness on my ankles, the tightness in my legs. I take a deep breath and pick myself up the hill. I begin to feel pushes and shoves. As girls run ahead of me, my determination replaces my fear. Before I know it, I'm on the other side of the hill. My arms grow quicker and my strides, longer. I spot the waving red, orange, green and blue flags. I increase my pace as I approach them. They greet me, with my face sweating, my legs aching, and my heart pumping. Despite everything, I still manage to smile, with a small medal in my hand. An anonymous writer once said, "Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."

Getting the confidence to try, came to me at a late age. As an only child, I always liked to spend my time alone. To me, loneliness came with shyness. In Elementary School, while all the other kids lined up for their turn to hit the ball in a game of whiffle ball, I stood in the back of the line. As they came to the back of the line, I took a step back, letting them take a step forward. I would continue that. My turn would never come. Even in Junior High School, my turn never came. By then, I was always picked last in my gym class. In class, when my teacher stepped out of the room, all the other kids began talking to their friends. I didn't. I had no one to talk to. I never had the courage to do so. Instead I just sat there and continued to do my work. I knew that I wanted to be surrounded by many friends. I wanted to talk about the new show on T.V, the gross cafeteria lunches, our new alien math teacher. It didn't matter what, as long as I had them.

When I got to high school I knew that I wanted to change. But getting the confidence to do that took some time as well. I decided that I wanted to join a sports team. But after many years of standing in the back of the line, I didn't know how to play anything. After hearing that Tech's Track Team did not have any tryouts, I decided that I would try that sport.

My first day of practice was a Wednesday. Wednesday was the day when the girls were racing in Prospect Park. Wednesday was the day that I ran a short distance of about 1.5 miles, for the first time. I ran from Tech to Prospect Park with girls that had been in the team for one, two, or even three years. After one block of running, my face was already red. I was gasping for air. My feet hurt inside my blue, flat, puma sneakers. With every step I took, I could feel the pain going from my toes to my thighs. It felt as if I had been running for hours, when in reality, it had only been minutes. My first day of practice was horrible. But even so, I was back the next day.

As I run day after day, week after week, I am able to do more. I have something in common with all the girls in team: we are all runners. Running teaches me that I need to be strong when approaching that hill. I need to try my hardest when things are most difficult. I also need to be confident when racing, knowing that I am trying my hardest. The ground below me, and the sky above me: both are still. Only I am moving. Only I can push myself forward. As Helen Keller once stated, "Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
tal105   
Sep 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Diversity Essay (AIDS Patient) - U of Michigan App [4]

you should say 'i had never knowingly touched someone with aids' b.c. im sure u may have before u just didnt know it. u dont wanna come off ignorant :)

other than that, its good. consider cutting out somee detail to make it shorter. idk, if that makes sense.
tal105   
Sep 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "faculty ratio and more" - UCF Admissions Essay [10]

i read ur revision and my opinion is starting an essay saying that the school is recognized as such prestige is not the best thing.

for example, im applying to columbia. tell me what you think this is like:
columbia is noted as one of the best schools in the country, which is why it is ivy league, which is a big reason why i want to attend!

this sounds like you want to go for the prestige. i would consider revising that out. but to really wrap it up, i think id rather you pick a few reasons and expand on them rather tell a whole laundry list of reasons you want to apply. some of them arent even important whereas some of them i feel you can really elaborat on, making for a good essay. for example, you dont have to mention the culture thing b.c. this day in time diversity and culture is a "hot topic" whereas if you elaborate on how your going to develope yourself a little bit more, thats good. elaborate on the small student to teacher ratio, etc.

but thats the way i would do it. im not sure whats really better. if its better to say ALL of the reasons, or if its better to say less and expand more.

the next essay:

I believe that if somebody asks the people who know me best,....

i sorta dont know what to say. i personally think your 1st esasy with some TWEAKS, is okay, but deep down i feel ur 2nd needs some work. idk, maybe the other members should comment. if they dont, repost it maybe if you can according to the forum rules.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "faculty ratio and more" - UCF Admissions Essay [10]

while your first essay answers the prompt, its like this:

WHY I WANT TO GO TO UCF:
-nice campus
-friends attend
-staff to student ratio...
you just seem to list and dont add any creativity. i mean this is fine as the 1st essay is def. an okay essay, it just lacks creativity in my opinion.

the 2nd essay i like the personal approach u decided to take, only it seems like the timeline and the entire story is being rushed along. try to slow it down somehow by maybe explaining what tole the death of your father had on you (only breifly though) and tel how it made you a stronger person (this is good as it can be a quality that makes you good for the school as well) and then expand a little bit more on the 2nd paragraph, and waht i mean by that is you jump from 'holding down a job and school is hard' to 'i had a 3.7 gpa' relativly fast. (quick time frame once again)

other than that, its all good ;)

-edit
i dont know the word limit, but it seems pretty short. i know its prety tight, but witht that being said, i think you can still add in some detail (aka toss around some ideas) and then when your all done and its VERY specific,both essays, then you look back and you CUT OUT. then youll realize some stuff you originally had, wasnt relevant, or necessary, or what ever word you want to use-

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / UF app essay two, I decided to write a completely different essay [6]

i do like the way your paragraphs are broken up. it plays tricks on the eyes of the reader and then it makes it all seem like not a lot to read. kudos!

besides that, i would like to see the connection of marshalls in the first paragraph a bit more. as of now its just...there. the rest of the story seems to flow and connect but the first paragraph doesnt seem to go with the rest of your essay for some reason. like you say you liked to shop there b.c. of getting cheap clothes? but i mean then you say your mom told u something horrific there. you dont even say "i didnt realize that my favorite store would turn out to be filled with not so favorite memories" or some transiton like that. (not that cheesy though LMAO!)

other than that it'll work.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]

honestly, its just a list to me. it seems like its not creative b.c. you took the easy way out and listed stuff.

but its only my opinion. like i said, dont overthink it, you can do a really good one.

i think you should do something funky with that paradox thing you say you are! that could be interesting. make an essay full of paradoxes about yourself or somehting. then at the end say, your a paradox who does one thing but thinks the other.

(thats what i meant by thinking out of the box)
tal105   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]

i knoww how hard it is to have to keep on trying. i had to on my u of chicago essay, but you have to understand, people are going to go to standford with some SUPER CREATIVE roomie essays that are going to be like WOW and may get them in on their essay alone, or may not.

my suggestion: you stoppp overthinking this and just write. i really think what you should do too is write down some things about you that cant be found else where in your application. like for me, i know that in my application it would never be found that i LOVE scary/gory movies and not a lot of ple can take those, so i would play that up in my standford roomie essay if i was applying. like i lovee the 'saw' series, so i would start off like "I want to play a game" or somehting silly like that. you have to think out of the box, without forgetting that your NOT writing to a roomie so you have to keep it professional.

wahts not found in your application essay that you can write about? do you like poetry? if so write a poem as your app essay about being clean and bubbly and stuff. do u like board games? then you can make that the main focus and sprinkle some other things. remember they didnt tell you to write about a lot of things either. you can just write about ONE thing you want them to know about. THINK OUTSIDE OF YOUR BOX.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "swim coach" - Person of influence. Common App [7]

NOPE! dont ever feel like you write too much about yourself. the only time you can write too much about yourself if in an essay about why you want to attend a school. then you have to write 1/3 -50% about the school. you can always post on this forum b.c. there are members like liebe, simone, and noto and llama, that are GREATT. esp. since you may want more than one opinion than just your school counselor and stuff.

but as for this essay, i really do feel its not enough about you. it really is almost like a waaste of an essay. you give it all to you coach you know? lol. use this as an oppourtunity to tell about like one of your competititions! thats a good idea! use each essay to showcase something different. that is a lot of essays :(
tal105   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "an all girls Catholic school" - Diversity [2]

This experience instilled in me a respect for individuals of all backgrounds and the knowledge to throw away prejudgments.

did you not have this before? or did this experience only help you reinforce this or waht? i think this just needs some work.

i love the realness of your essay. you know how you say "white" then you get a little bit more proper then say "african american" later (idk thats the stuff i notice).

you do have a passive/active voice thing here:
The children that I worked with were African-American...

change this too
I worked with African-American children, some on welfare, and many who came from dysfunctional homes.

do u see the difference with the bold part? thats difference between the active and passive voice. plus itll save you a few words.

also, you didnt tackle the religion part of the african american children, but you did say they came from dysfunctional homes. i think you should leave out the christian part in the beginning and say something like "close knit families" (something wayyy less cliche though). you also say their world was VASTLY different. if you want to show how vastly different, i think you needd more than just skin color, money, and religion to show that. (in other words, consider taking out that word vastly. remember, you were supposed to have learned a "lesson" from this. not feel sorry for the "poor black kids" get it?)

i cant say anything else. i really like it. it answers the prompt. you link yourself to it professionally (by saying the anecdote about your brother) its sorta perfect in a way. gj!

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "swim coach" - Person of influence. Common App [7]

in a nut shell, your essay talks too much about your coach. im proabably sounding like a broekn record or a hacker on this forum saying the same thing, but o wells; im gonna say it again. colleges do want to hear about your coach, but remmeber, it does no good if you just write a killer essay about your coach and write NOTHING about you. if i was adimissions ple,id automatically put you to the no pile, or the maybe pile. if you didnt care enough to tell me about yourself, i shouldnt care enough to consider you, no matter how good your grades are.

it just loses focus in that you dont tell practically anything about yourself and. in fact, i stopped reading b.c. i realized this essay said nothing about YOU lol. fix that then repost.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay (a mission trip) [6]

-NOTO, the word limit is 250 words.

okay i know that the prompt may not say it, but i would suggest you take out the last sentence and add something that links your expereince to how it will help you in the school. as of now its VERY loose/hanging. its like, okay...

my suggestion: i know the word limit is very "fierce" but maybe write and expand where i suggested if you want, or with the suggestions of other forum members w.e. you want. then post (not even caring about the word limit)

then we can tell you what to omit. it will make for a stronger essay. as of now though, your essay seems to lack depth.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]

^Your mom sounds like a G.

LMAOOOOOO nahhhh my sister and i looked at her like she had 5 heads after she told that girl that lol. i jsut thought id give an anecdote b4 i said that >.<

thats soo funnyyy :P
tal105   
Sep 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]

i hate being meann

okayy, so i competed at this national pageant one time, and this girl asked my mom her opinion on her speech. she got on stage (it was at night so most ple were sleep or gone or w.e.) and did her speech on peer pressure. my mom told her "your speech is boring"

the girl got nervous, but i mean she couldnt change it now! she was already at the paegant and had it memprized and everything! she ended up not placing for the speech.

aftere reading your essay, and although i hated my mom for saying it to the girl, yor essay was boring. i HATE having to skin through essays b.c. i hope noone would skim through mine and miss stylistic stuff or allegories or w.e., but i skimmed through yours. i think you have to find a more interesting topic. idk waht others will say, but for me, it bored me. i didnt want to keep reading esp when i got to the 2nd paragraph, ESP when i saw how long it is. idk, consider breaking it into 2 paragraphs to play tricks on the readers eyes or something but i think you should rly find a more interesting story to tell. this seems to go on and on and i really dont see how it relates to you so much anyways.

i saw you said your having a hard time, but you should just focus. take a few days from writing and then come back to it. that helps too!

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

no offense to your english teacher at all, buttttt i mean maybe shes overwhelmed. i would say on this issue, not that she doesnt know hwat shes talking about, but shes not giving you thorough feedback. honestly its good to put yourself in the admissions ple place. i know it sounds bad to constantly think about them but thats the way of the world. they dont wanna hear that you think thought their school was at the bottom and all that stuff. i actually think the approach isnt strong.

im not an english teacher, but i think some offense will be taken by admissions ple if you go about it this way. get 2nd and 5th and 6th opinions. this site is winning since we mostly feel the same way. id sayy dont completely listen to ur teacher then. lol :)
tal105   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

come at it at a better angle please. (i thought it was inadvertantly rude. u didnt think it was but it was.) like llama said, MANY people have written about this school so it it well known and florida does have a lot of good schools so dont say "a flordia school?" that actually shouldnt be a surrpise. one of the nots in a college essay is putting something WAYYY down to show how great the revalation is/was and that is EXACTLY what you did.

edit: consider a rewrtie from a different angle in my opinion.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

im indifferent.

okay, i know this is gonna sound...bad? but you have to keep the admissions ple in mind. sure its not about them, but being that they pick you, it kinda is whne you think about it...

after reading so many essays, the admissions ple get tired and start to skim. while this is a VERY great and well written essay, i think you should try to do the whole allegory thing still but a shortened version, as they will naturally skim your essay and not catch it COMPLETELY (well theyll catch it, but i mean not all).

it is VERY good, but will only be fully read if one has time and one isnt reading over 10000+ essays. but since thats not the case, find a way to do it this well with less details and words and things as such.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 3, 2009
Undergraduate / "one week to compensate for 7 years of absence" - UF Topic [11]

ur cuban! cool!! me 2! :D
ive never met another cuban person my age lol :P

-edit: a question about the common app though, what do you put when they ask about your race?-

now about your essay,

My days were spent playing anything from baseball, soccer or volleyball with both of my cousins, a 15 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. Looking at them gave me an unforgettable feeling of sadness, knowing that neither of them had ever been able to experience what the average kid in America experiences, no theme parks, malls, not even popcorn at what they call a movie theatre.

okay, you say this, but then you dont connect it to you. so waht your sad about your cousins not being able to experience anmerican luxuries. you leave the reader with a big AND.

That week was without a doubt the most amazing week of my life in the past 7 years, no amount of entertainment in the U.S.A had provided me with more excitement than that that I had in my indigent home land.

^^ okay, if this is true, than your previous statment about the kids not having american things like amusement parks is basically invalid. if you had so much fun, then the kids there wouldnt be so sad. this seems to be a contradiction. do u see it?

its a decent essay, just smooth out some of those things. :)

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

Meeting people, debating, public speaking, researching, and traveling are all tempting to me. Something that could combine them all is even more alluring. Model United Nations seemed appealing as a chance to travel on school days. <--- this makes it seem like u do it just to get out of school lol. i suggest removing this.

When I auditioned to join the club, I was not yet interested in politics.

--> here is a gap. what made u change your mind?<--

Since then ( since when?), it became addictive; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance (chance to do what?). I traveled to Singapore, Turkey, and England to attend three conferences representing different countries I barely knew of before. I valued that experience and the opportunity to make friends from all over, to be introduced to politics, and to have intellectual conversations. I lost my stage fright through repetitive exposure to audience (you dont mention stage fright in the beginning and how it was an obstacle, so unless you do this, this sentence to me makes no sense).

Fortunately, graduating from high school is not going to be the end of it , what I accomplished was just the beginning.

this ending is flat. it sorta doesnt make sense almost b.c. your like graduating from high school b.c. cant you still do these type of activities after high school? does this give u an idea? maybe make that your ending. say how although ur graduating, your gonna try to do it after high school.

hopefully some stuff i told u to take out will allow for you to add some stuff you want to.

good luck!
tal105   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

though i do agree with liebe, i hear the book the secret (by rhonda byrne) is very uplifting. its DEFINETLY inspiring and stuff. my sister and a few friends have read it. i would consider you read it too. i want to, but i havent gotten around to it yet.

i would consider you to NOT choose harry potter. i know this essay isnt for columbia u, but i went to the informational and the admissions person said "we want to see ur reading more than just harry potter or twilight." ( im a HUGEEE potter fan btw. read ALL the book and seen alll the movies)

i also dont think you should choose a school book. they are VERY boring and u dont want it to be an ap english essay or a book report.

i rly do think you should check out secret or the secret.

edit
forgot to say good luck!!
tal105   
Aug 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Influential person for Common Apps-my boyfriend [12]

this may sound stupid but its REALLY bothering ME

Stress, school, college preparation, and working attribute to my break down.

when you say college preparation, it makes it all sound so recent. too recent. like this all just happened u know? when reading it, it sorta rushed the story as i was reading it, and rushed the timeline right along. im not sure if thats waht you were going for, but being that this is an admissions essay, im guessing thats NOT what you want. you want to talk about you and your LIFE almost. (idk ive taken ap english as im sure you have so you can relate to what im saying about techniques that rush the story along and stuff)

other than that, i HEAVILY agree with simone. give it to him. say ILY and then write about someone else. although everyone has a bf and gf these days, for some reason it doesnt feel appropriate.

unless you can make it REALLY good.
tal105   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

i think its great at the start!! once i read a book with admissions essays with ple who got into harvard and one essay had someone who wrote these exact words (or something close to it LMAO):

"...now i had to figure out a way to flush my handmade toilet. sh*t"
they used such a provacative word in an ADMISSIONS essay and got into HARVARD. so i think this is PERFECT. def. catches the attention. ITS A GREAT essay. def. agree with simone on this one. let the expert critiquers come in, but def. dont change the opening. ;)
tal105   
Aug 28, 2009
Undergraduate / The cruel and the heartless/ Significant risk or Ethical dilemma [8]

you also have some phrases that are commonly worded too:

This belief was put into question when I was asked to do the impossible.

"There's no use dwelling on the past because its something you can't change. Instead you should learn from it so that it won't happen again."

At that moment I finally forgave myself and instantly felt much better.

I also learned


its not a terrible essay, and it has potential, but you need to be more exciting in it. i am one, for example, that doesnt belief "treat others as you want to be treated"

after reading this, i still am not a believer.

you should make me a believer.
tal105   
Aug 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "How Your Mind Works"; Why I want to major in psychology [5]

How could a seemingly innocent and quiet student like Cho commit such a violent and gruesome act?

^^ this ending too i think should be a little stronger. this seems a little trite maybe?

It reached the point where Cho nowprefered not to speak at all and but only talk to himself to gain a little bit of confidence.

^ i like the way this is worded btw.

I feel like I'm not using enough vocabulary. Any suggestions on that?

^ i personaly think your using great/enough vocab. its a simple but strong essay. at first i felt you shouldnt mention the korean thing but that was b4 i read on and saw that you too were korean. it make this EVEN more personal. for some reason though, i think you should make the cho story the main reason why you want to major in psycology OR make that the "sign". like say in the beginning youve always had an interest in psychology, but then when that cho incident happened you took that as a sign b.c. as of now, your intro is a little bit weak.

this i think will be a strong entry :D
good luck!
tal105   
Aug 27, 2009
Undergraduate / the pediatric volunteer - Common App- Siginificant experience [7]

i truly love this essay. it could be a very strong entry once you polish it more.
like...

Miguel is one of the reasons why I am so inspired to enter the medical field..

this paragraph. you get here and then you lose it. you just go onto this thing and its all miguel is the reason i wanna be a doctor blah blah blah. make this stronger. once you make this as strong as the rest, your essay will be great.

btw, i also love how you start at your going to the place and end there. and i like your end sentence.

good luck! i really hope it comes together!
tal105   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / single parent home - Proofread, suggestions-MSU Personal statement [3]

College is just the next step needed to secure my future. I feel confident that Michigan State University is the right institution to do so.

the prompt says to describe the enviroment you come from, which you do when you say single parent and diverse school. yet you dont answer the second part about affecting your plans for the future really well. you should expand more on that.

good luck!!!
tal105   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / RISD SHORT ESSAY [16]

i actually like the essay topic. dont lose confidence in it! its just, like any essay, some stuff needs to be made stronger, some stuff needs to be said differenrly etc. your problem in this essay is tense issues. it seems as if you just wrote it and just posted it up and that was it. and not even that much thought. u just wrote it as if it was happening now. the tenses were off. that was the main issue. other than that i happen to like the topic. idk how the other members will feel, but i say make keep the topic, but perfect it :D

good luck chica!!
tal105   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

Also, I see no connection between your introduction and the rest of your essay.

and this is said perfectly

i dont see the connection either. honeslty you started to lose me at the part about your grandfather and nursing home and stuff. i didnt understand where it was coming from. you need a better transition from your wanting to go to the school yto the why.

the ending was a little flat as well.

good luck!
tal105   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / (A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK? [9]

i am one who doesnt believe in "peer pressure" :O lol. i feel ple make their own decisions, so when writing this, make sure it is written well, and you dont end up completely BLAMING everyone else. that will definitely show you havent grown.

mark the no circle since it was lifted. no need to recorded if it was dropped from ur recorded. =] lucky U! lol

it can be a VERY good essay, just do it well.

good luck!!
tal105   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Summer camp days' - Stanford letter to roomate [8]

im not sure if others in the forum will appreciate it, but i think that you should keep it no matter what they mayu think

^ i think i worded this wrong...

im not sure if others will like it, but i think its good. :)
simone is right though, maybe try adding some details, but its a rly cute twist on the idea. (yea idk if 'cute' is waht you were going for lol)
tal105   
Aug 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Very short response to Brown supplement [8]

the only problem im having with this, is i dont see exactly how your connecting browns changing the world to your being openly gay just yet.

i LOVE where your trying to go and everything, i just dont see how your there as of yet.

good luck!
tal105   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

sorry for the provacative-ness :[

OH and i can also give them a little clue of how committed i am by talking about how i have wanted to make it to one of the top chess player ever since i was 4 years old and i am still following my words. Would this be a good idea?

^^ yea! this will be great. itll show that it is a commitment. ive read somewhere that its always great to show commitment or passion in something. to not just say, "i volunteer here and i neveer will volunteer again" but if you want to continue your sport of chess, this is good b.c. it shows that its not just a one time thing or something.

i think is gonna be good :]
tal105   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

teehee verdad

and for your future writing, your sentences are, what i think, run-ons.
it makes the story seem to go on and on, when really that is not what you are doing. become friendly with semicolons and periods ;)

good luck!
tal105   
Aug 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Who I Want To Be> Undergraduate Admissions, Personal Statement [7]

you have trite phrases in your essay that need to be either rephrase or removved

I believe that with a good attitude, anyone can achieve their dreams,

like this.

just work on making this stronger. i dont think you have to rewrite it, but you do have some work to do.

good luck!!!

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