Undergraduate / A support system to succeed at Georgia Tech [2]

[b]Hello everyone. I am glad to be back here with you guys. I am applying to a Georgia Tech program that helps underrepresented students. I would like your input on the essay. I appreciate it!

Contributing to the P2P Program

When I stepped inside of Georgia Tech's campus back in July of 2016, I knew there was something special about this place. However, I had doubts whether to attend GT both for coming from a low-income background and for being a first generation student. Yet, I took the chance and accepted to attend. Joining the P2P program will help me succeed at Tech by acting as a support system to help me reach my goals, and similarly, with my sense of helping others and the "never give up" attitude, I hope to contribute back to the program.

My first semester at GT was very challenging for me. Adjusting to the new environment, the more rigorous course load, and being away from home were factors that made me think of giving up, but I never did. With the help of Jorge Breton from the Office of Hispanic Initiatives and Beatriz Rodriguez from the Center of Academic Success, I succeeded in my first semester. They both provided me with moral support, vital advice, and helped me plan my study schedule to develop better study habits. The truth is, I cannot do this alone. I need a home and a place where I can go whenever I am struggling, a support system like the one both Jorge and Beatriz offered me. The P2P program will be that support system.

I can now focus on my dreams and goals and what waits for me in the future. I want to continue my career at GT, taking advantage of all the opportunities that the school offers, from internships and co-op experiences, to study abroad and research programs. Having a mentor who can guide me in the right direction will help me make these experiences possible. My main goal is to work alongside a research professor that is working towards the advancement of propulsion technology, combined with the pursuit of finding life beyond Earth. Lastly, this goal in my career is so that I can continue my studies onto the graduate level.

How will I contribute to the P2P Program? By becoming a mentor and helping other incoming transfer students. I want to be a guide for them and provide them with the same support that others gave me this semester, to be there for them whenever they are thinking of giving up. I also wish to volunteer in communities and inspire students in any education level, encouraging them to seek higher education by sharing my story of how education changed my life.

Now that the semester is over, I no longer have doubts to being a Georgia Tech student. I realize that having a support system is imperative to my growth as a student and someone who wants to pursue graduate level education. I want to make the best of my time here, and the P2P program will allow me give back and inspire the next student that steps inside Georgia Tech for the first time.

Scholarship / I learned that success was collective, not personal. [3]

Hello Essay Forum team.

I hope this finds you all well. I need your expert advice on the following essay. Someone in my university found this scholarship for me and wants me to turn it in in the next two days. I did not have time to write a perfect essay, as I am busy preparing for the beginning of classes. But I hope you can help me with this one.

Please let me know if you like it or not, and if it addressed each question. Thank you!

In 500 words or less, discuss your personal attributes that speak to your perseverance while enrolled in your STEM program, a time when you exhibited the characteristics of a leader and your commitment to service.

It was now July 14, 2013, more than four years since my high school graduation. I opened my mailbox and an envelope that had my permanent resident card lay inside. I stood there in awe, jumping and crying as I held the card with my hands. "I can go to college!" I said. The next day, I drove to Broward College and applied to begin my Associate's Degree. Attending college has been a vital part of my life. With my perseverant sense of self, I helped students who struggled in math, and I inspired them to dream bigger.

The need to help others began when I met Andrea. She had a hard time understanding the material in our pre-calculus algebra class. Even though I worked full-time, I took time out of my schedule to help her. We studied after class every week, and I taught her my tricks to understanding abstract math concepts. These meetings not only helped her succeed in the class, but they also helped me since I had been out of school for so long. At the end of the semester, we both received an A in the class. This was the beginning of something great: the formation of "The Calculus Team."

Similarly, I began meeting other students who had difficulty with math and higher-level calculus classes. I made it my mission to lead the team and reach out to students who were having trouble in their classes. By the end of the calculus sequence, Differential Equations, our group grew to eight members. I scheduled meetings and got people to focus during study time. Edward Sanchez once came to me an hour before a major test and confessed he had not studied the night before. I quickly got my study sheet out and began practicing questions with him, helping him remember the course material he had forgotten. Why did I do this? My success meant the success of the group as whole, not just myself.

We had a set routine, where we would study every night after class, staying at the library until it closed. We also came in on Sundays to study before a major test. We competed with one another: whoever received the highest score in a test, received free lunch after a major exam. Edward, Tasnim, Da, Khang, Matt, Eddie, Michael, and I, were now the top students in all of our math courses. We were limitless, and our grades demonstrated our determination, and desire to succeed.

The arrival of my permanent resident card gave me hope. It gave me the opportunity to learn and teach others. With "The Calculus Team" at Broward College, I discovered I had the qualities of a leader and also the ability to inspire others. However, the most important thing I learned while in college was that success meant the collective success rather than a personal one. Now that I am at Georgia Tech, I hope to continue inspiring students, similarly as I did at BC with my hunger and desire to succeed. I want to continue

Scholarship / Wanting make a change by revolutionizing the aerospace industry [2]

Hello Essay Forum family, I hope you are all well and getting ready to start school wherever you are. The following essay is for a scholarship in the STEM fields, that is, science, technology, engineering, and math. This is my very first draft, and I would appreciate it if you could take time to leave feedback. Thank you!!!! :-)

In 1000 words or less, please answer the following questions:
How did you become interested in the STEM fields? How do these fields fit into your future plans and goals?
What actions do you plan to take to evolve the sectors of technology and science once you graduate?
What is one of your favorite emerging technologies? How do you see that technology evolving over the upcoming years?
What life experiences have shaped who you are today, and what challenges have you overcome in your education?

As you can see, this is a four-part question. I decided to write a complete essay connecting each idea and question into a story. Below, you will see in bold the areas where I addressed each question.

Memories often fade away, storing themselves in our heads, waiting to be triggered once again. As I write this essay, I dig deep in my childhood memories, looking for specific moments where my passion for math, science, and exploration began. One of those moments was in Pre-K at Taller Infantil Quiroga in Bogota, Colombia. My professor, Rose-Mery, has assigned us multiplication problems. I had the knack for these kinds of problems, often finishing and getting in trouble for not having anything else to do. Years later, when I turned 12, my mother decided to move to the United States in search of a better life. I boarded my very first airplane, which would fly us to Florida. Instantly, I fell in love with the big flying vessel, curious to know how it worked. Never would I have thought that my life would be dedicated to the aerospace world. Growing up in the United States has brought its challenges, but with my persistent and perseverant sense of self, I have overcome each obstacle, where I now dream of making a change in the world by revolutionizing the aerospace industry.

One of the greatest challenges I have endured dates back to May of 2009, the month of my high school graduation. I had already learned responsibility at the age of 14 by helping my mother with her cleaning business at night and also by working at the mall as a sales clerk whilst going to school. Also, I fell in love with college; during my last year in high school, I joined a dual-enrollment program that allowed me to go to college while in high school. However, on that evening in the beginning of May, our immigration lawyer called and told my mother that our petition for permanent residency would be on hold for three of more years. This impeded me from continuing to study in college. I cried that night to sleep, and with a broken heart, my dream of going to college seemed impossible.

The next four years were a time of growth for me. I left my childhood home in search of myself and what I was set out to do in the world. I worked several jobs, and at one point, I worked as a server, hotel manager, and front desk clerk simultaneously. Being employed continue to give me responsibility. It also prepared me with leadership skills, but I always kept dreaming of going to school someday, often telling people I was going to start school "next semester," uncertain of that truth. My permanent resident card arrived in the morning of July 15, 2013, more than four years after my high school graduation. Without hesitation, I applied to continue my Associate's Degree at Broward College. From my first day until graduation, I made school my main priority, gained A's in all of my courses, made close relationships with every professor, and I inspired students to dream bigger, teaching them the rewards of hard work and how nothing is impossible.

My passion for STEM also intensified during college, leading me to pursue a career as an aerospace engineer. I turned to space exploration and rocketry, one of my favorite emerging technologies. I spent my time in college studying, but I also dedicated my free time to investigating the advances of SpaceX and their landing rocket. Not only have they discovered how to reduce the total cost of a rocket's production, but these rockets serve for a higher purpose. They take satellites and humans to space to perform research aboard the ISS, research that benefits us humans here on Earth. As an example, Kate Rubins is aboard the station studying the microbiome, a bacteria in charge of our emotions and ability to fight off diseases. In the next few years, I see better and faster rockets, and I hope to be a part of this progress by shaping the next generation, our youth.

The week before my graduation from Broward College, I received my acceptance letter to Georgia Institute of Technology's School of Aerospace Engineering. One of the reasons why I got accepted is because of my admission essay, where I expressed interest in both space exploration and propulsion technology. Sadly, it is still a sector that needs improvement in performance and safety. The time it takes to travel to Mars would be over a year for a roundtrip flight. Astronauts will have to spend a year suffering from the effects of microgravity and radiation. If we had a set base in Mars, would need a faster spacecraft to take us there. My plan while as an undergrad at Georgia Tech is to get involved in research with faculty working on propulsion. This will prepare me to go to a Master's program and to grad school, where I will continue my research in advancing this technology, where space travel will become a vital part of our lives.

Memories are hidden treasure that can haunt us or benefit us; I chose the latter. When that kid boarded the Boeing-767, his heart ignited making him question and wonder. That boy still exists today as a grown 25-year-old. Although I had a difficult time getting to where I am today, I wouldn't trade any of my experiences for any other. As my life continues to unfold, I realize that there are no limits as to what I can achieve in my life. With my determination and ability to solve problems, I know I will contribute to the advancement of the space industry, and as a boomerang effect, benefitting people on Earth, both old and young, and the next generation of world-leaders.

Scholarship / Learning gave me direction and purpose [5]

Hi Essay Forum Team,

The following essay is for a small scholarship that covers book expenses. Please give me some feedback.

Thank you!

For four years, I opened my mailbox daily, waiting impatiently for the card that would allow me to attend college, waiting for the so called "green-card." When I graduated high school in 2009, my mother told me I could not continue college because we were not permanent residents yet. This impeded me from continuing my education further. However, the morning of July 20, 2013, my permanent resident card arrived in the mail. I stood next to my mailbox jumping and crying and saying, "I could finally go to school!" The next morning, I drove to Broward College and applied for the Associate's Degree program. Attending college has been a vital component of my life; not only did I learn the value of education, but also, I chose to study and work in a career that benefits humanity as a whole.

Growing up in Colombia was challenging for my family. We grew up in a small town inside Bogota, Colombia, a city that saw economic struggle daily. I went to Taller Infantil Quiroga, a pre-school and elementary school that demanded a large portion of my mother's salary. She learned that attending a university would be impossible for any of my family members, thus, she decided to move to the United States: The place where I learned the importance of education.

When I walked inside my first class at Broward College, I knew I belonged there. I sat in the middle row smiling from ear to ear through the entirety of the class, observing my new classmates interacting with one another. The following two and a half years, I dedicated my time to learning, and I rapidly became interested in math, science, and physics. The more I learned how the world worked, the more I questioned. I realized that I had endless opportunities, and that the only way I could advance in life professionally, was by continuing my education.

My thirst for learning grew, igniting my passion for flight, STEM, and space exploration, leading me to choosing Aerospace Engineering as my degree of study. I quickly became fascinated by how an airplane lifted off the ground and how its shape made flight possible. This desire also awoke my interest for outer space, rockets, and propulsion technology. When I learned of aerospace companies like NASA and SpaceX, I became interested in the impact they had here on Earth. Some of the research aboard the International Space Station, for example, helps people here on Earth by producing new technologies that prevent diseases. I want to work for a company that allows me to help others.

Both college and my field of study are very important to the story of my life. Without moving to the United States to seek a better education, I would not be standing here today, dreaming of working with companies comprised of people who want to make the world a better place. Learning ignited all of these passions for space exploration, and I could not see myself doing anything else. I now feel as if I am limitless, and I hope that some day, I am able to inspire others who don't have a direction in life. Broward College gave me direction, purpose, and a love for education that I would not have had I not continued my career further.

Writing Feedback / To better myself and progress in life... Essay about the story of my life. [3]

Hello everyone at EF,

I hope this finds you well. I would like your help with the essay below. I am supposed to write a one-page essay with the story of my life and how I got to the university I applied and got accepted to. Please give me your sincere comments.

Also, I think this will inspire a few to go out there and seek your dreams, get an education, and not let anyone stop you from doing so. :-) So even if you don't want to edit, just read for your enjoyment.

Thank you!

Beginning:

On May 12, 2016, I walked across a stage at the Fort Lauderdale Convention Center to receive my Associate's Degree diploma from Broward College. I wore my aerospace decorated cap with the words "limitless dreamer" and "faith" written on it, words that have gotten me to never give up and to dream of the impossible, words that brought me here to Georgia Institute of Technology.

I grew up in Bogota, Colombia with my mother and siblings. She was struggling financially to keep us afloat, so she came to the United States in search of a better life. I joined middle school right away and often helped my mother at night by cleaning office buildings, changing out trash bags as she vacuumed the carpet floors. Work gave me freedom and responsibility, and I continued to work during high school at the mall as a sales clerk. By my high school graduation in 2009, I had acquired a Bright Futures Scholarship, a 3.8 GPA, and was enrolled in college in a dual-enrollment program. However, not being a permanent resident impeded me from continuing my education. We did not know about loans or scholarships, as I was the first in my family to go to college. My dream of learning was put on pause.

The next four years were a true test for me. I left my childhood home, searching for my independence and a way to make money. I rented an apartment and worked several jobs; at one point, I worked as a server, a hotel clerk, and as a property manager. Continuing to work taught me how to become a leader. On a summer day on July of 2013, I received my permanent resident card in the mail, jumping and crying out of joy as I held the card with my hands. "I can go to school now!" I said. Holding on to my dream of learning motivated me to apply to Broward College, and for the next two and a half years, I sat in the front row of every class, got to know each and every professor, scored A's in every course, and maintained a 4.0 GPA. My biggest accomplishment however was leading a math study group, where students helped each other through the Calculus sequence and Differential Equations, and where I inspired classmates to dream big and to seek a better education in better universities.

I have dreams and visions of becoming an astronaut, someone that inspires people to seek higher heights and not conform with the way things are. My dream led me to choose aerospace engineering to fulfill my passion and curiosity for STEM, flight, and space exploration. At Georgia Tech I will surround myself with philosophers, scientists, thinkers, leaders, dreamers, and creators, people who invent and want to make the world a better place. I want to be one of those students someday.

As a first-generation gay Latino, a minority within a minority, I am certain that there is more to my life; I have the same opportunities as the leaders in the world; I am unique. Everyone around me believes in my potential including my Calculus professor, Sharon Kobrin, who once said, "You are an ambassador of persistence and success." As I pack my bags to leave for Atlanta, I remind myself of what the past has taught me: It is never too late to pursue a dream, and I want to share this philosophy with others who grew up without a dream. I will give my best effort and dedicate my time at Georgia Tech to learning. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to better myself, for the possibility of buying my mother a house on the beach where she can live without financial worry and to fulfill her request: "Son, when you get to space, tell me the color of the stars."

Scholarship / Why would you like to attend Wreck Camp and how will it help you succeed? [2]

Hello everyone,

My university is offering a scholarship for a three-day orientation program. The limit is to one page, but there are no word count requirements.

Thank you for your help.

Here it goes:

Please write a one page essay focusing on why you would like to attend Wreck Camp and how this experience will help you succeed here at Georgia Tech. You can copy the essay from a word document to the text box below.

Last week I visited Georgia Institute of Technology (GT) for the first time and walked throughout the campus smiling from ear to ear as tears formed inside my eyes. "I made it!" I said. Not many students were inside the campus as it was summer, yet a vibrant vibe remained. As a first-generation non-traditional Hispanic student, attending Wreck Camp will be an opportunity to learn of GT and why it is such a special place. Also, it will allow me to build strong relationships with other young leaders, dreamers, and upperclassmen: my future mentors.

Whilst waking inside the campus, I noticed many names posted on buildings, including Daniel Guggenheim, Wayne Clough, and George Burdell (I know he is imaginary), and each of them surely made impact on the campus. During Wreck Camp, I will learn of their stories. Also, friends who find out where I am attending school stand there in awe, surprised and proud of the news. I want to learn how this place claimed such reputation, a place that not many people in the country get to experience.

The stories of people who are transferring and who are currently attending are also important. Wreck Camp will allow me to connect with these students, and my intent once I arrive is to socialize and meet other transfer and first year students, especially those who belong to a minority group. I want to form a bond with them by learning their stories and their dreams and what brought them here, because they are special too, and hopefully I get to inspire them by sharing my story of how I overcame obstacles to get to GT. Connecting with upperclassmen will also enhance my experience because they can be my future role models and mentors. They can have an impact in my life by telling me how they succeeded in such a rigorous university. I want to succeed, and Wreck will provide me with that opportunity.

The Wreck Camp experience will enhance my transition to this new environment that is college. It will help me succeed by forging bonds that will turn into study groups and motivation sessions with mentors. Yet what is most significant to my success is being amongst thinkers, philosophers, and creators and people who invent and want to make a change in the world. I want to be one of those students someday, and Wreck Camp will introduce me to them.

Scholarship / Friend, I am leaving to Mars next month, and I need your help. [5]

Hello everyone at Essay Forum,

I hope this finds you well.

The following essay is for a scholarship due on June 30th. I have been trying to find as many scholarships I can apply to. This essay is quite fun, and I think you will have fun reading it. It is just a draft though, so there will be many grammar and sentence mistakes, but I want to see if you were entertained and if it makes sense. It is a bit creative, but I think I did follow the prompt.

Thank you for any advice. I am grateful.

The Prompt:

Please apply by writing a 500-1,000 word essay describing new ways that people will pay for things 100 years from now. Think of how different payments are today from 100 years ago and predict what it will be like in the year 2116. Be creative, but keep it plausible. While we call it the Accounts Payable Scholarship, you don't need to focus on accounts payable; you can describe personal or business payments or both. It can be a thorough description of the payment process, or it can be in the form of a short story, but the payment process should be well defined.

My Essay - 800 words:

Dear friend, I hope you are doing well wherever you are. I am in need of your help. Next month, I have an appointment with Genetics and Futurism, a company in charge of installing nanotechnology inside our wrists. This small chip, called Port-Aid, I will use to identify myself and to pay for services while traveling to other planets. My mother thinks our future will be better in Mars, which was colonized back in 2050. It is the year 2116 today, and we are a few of the members of my family left on Earth. "Juan, do not forget about the importance of the chip; you cannot leave the planet without it!" That's my mother, reminding me daily that we are leaving, and I cannot completely wrap my head around it.

I decided to visit Arnhem Land, a territory in North Australia where the Yirrkala Aboriginals live. They claim to have existed since 45,000 years ago, and their population is growing throughout country. Since the top countries began establishing a futuristic living, migrating to other planets, eliminating paper, and promoting contactless forms of payment, the aboriginals have used Australia as a way station to the past. They do not want to form part of the futuristic world. My reason for visiting this country is to learn of those who live in a world where paper still exists, to remind myself of what our world was once, and to find out where it is possibly headed.

Arriving to Yirrkala was quite challenging. Airports where eliminated throughout the country, only allowing expeditions, visitations, and currency exchange from Australia's Visitor Airport, located in the center of the country. Their currency, the Kitut, is similar to the old bills that were handwritten back in the 1900's. However, most nations eliminated paper currency back in the year 2030. Australia, though, is reversing and trying to eliminate any form of advancement in technology. Later that day, after exchanging digital dollars to Kituts, we headed North in a charter bus owned by the airport. We arrived in five hours. Upon getting out, I noticed that this was no longer a city. It was more of a camp in a dirt land by the ocean and large mountains surrounded it, and it seemed as if people live in caves. There are no streetlights or buildings. This is really an ancient place.

The next day, I parted to a small shop in the city of Darwin, where aboriginals craft Bark paintings. People in the streets sold their art, bracelets, chains, and art craft in the floor atop a cloth made out of hand. I walked up to a girl that sold the Bark art. She had green eyes and an inviting smile. Her lips, smooth. She looked like one of those models in the digital ads. Her dark skin-tone gave off her ancestry. I gave her two Kituts, which bought me three paintings with patterns and colors. I want to take these artifacts with me before departing to Mars forever. Yet something struck me about this girl. While her eyes pierced mine, they magically made me tremble and freeze in awe. Friend, I believe I found my soul mate. I love her. She feels the same way about me, because I can feel the sensation upon looking at her. Even though we do not understand each other, I feel as if we have found each other after so long.

Now, I sit here in my tent room in despair. Tomorrow, is my last day before leaving to the states to begin packing for my trip to outer Earth, Mars, a planet where paying for a service does not involve paper, cards, or any form of contact. When asked to pay for something, say food or a car, you simply tell your mind to gather funds to pay for the services. The signals your mind sends are connected to the chip in the wrist, which acts as a wireless input and output. In order to activate the payment form, I simply think about my bank and can access the funds fast and easy. I can approach any screen to pay for anything by raising my hand. The funds are automatically taken out of my account. This has been an improved way to pay for services, and it has saved the nations trillions of dollars, as we don't have to make things to pay for services. Rather, it only involves a small recyclable chip and the use of the mind.

Now, what should I do? I have fallen in love with this simple girl who lives among the aboriginals. Should I stay and get to know this woman who lives in an ancient country? Or should I move to Mars, where the future exists and the air is as clean as linen. Do I evolve to a future or stay here and reverse to an ancient yet more personable world?

Please give me some advice. You alone out of all the people know me the most. Help me make the right decision.

Your friend,

Juan Sebastian Rubio

Scholarship / Helped a group of friends reach success [4]

Hello everyone at Essay Forum,

I hope this finds you all well. The following is an essay for a scholarship I found online. There is no word limit. I would like a second opinion on the essay before editing and cutting unnecessary items. I appreciate any help in advance.

The prompt:

Write an essay explaining how you've helped your community.

My love for learning begun inside Taller Infantil Quiroga, a small elementary school in Bogota, Colombia. I always carried that love with me, finishing my assignments before the rest of the students, often getting me in trouble for not having something to do. Until today, that desire to learn stayed deep within the walls of my heart. While taking Calculus I at Broward College in the spring of 2014, my passion for both math and learning ignited, where I wanted to help others succeed.

On our first day in class, I met Da and Andrea, both of whom sat beside me. Our friendship began when we received our first exam scores. Da, Andrea, and I received an F, D, and a C respectively. We wondered. What happened? Why were our scores so low? The week after, I implanted a small seed: I asked them if they wanted to study together after class. They agreed. For the rest of the semester we did just that. As a strategy, we planned to finish homework after class since the material was still fresh in our minds. When Da and Andrea did not understand a problem, I helped them right away. Because of my understanding of math, it came easy to mentor and tutor them. By the end of the semester, we gained a letter A in the class as a final grade. As a result, the group, "The Calculus Team," formed.


For the next few semesters, I led the team by keeping it alive, gathering lunch dates, contacting members, and always reminding them, "We have homework to do after class. Do not leave the campus please!" Studying after class became a routine, and it comprised emergency Sundays, where we tested each other before Monday's exam. We had fun while studying, ate snacks, and made it a nice learning environment. That environment helped us succeed. My involvement in school was minimal because I worked full-time, however, I made this small group my first priority. Success no longer belonged to me; it belonged to the group as a whole. If one of us received a failing grade, we supported that person by lifting them up an encouraging them to not give up. Most of the members in our group ended up gaining A's in their courses, including me. Some of us ended up in the top five scores in each of the classes because we competed with one another. We challenged each other and competing for the highest grade, and it's what drove us to success. My passion for math and learning infected each member, making this one of my biggest accomplishments.


Not only did I mentor and tutor my friends, but I learned something in myself: I had the ability to get others to believe in themselves and their dreams. Each person learned of my story and my struggle while working full-time, living alone, and supporting my mother while trying to maintain high grades in every course. If I could get high grade, my friends learned that they could do the same. Many of the members in the group were undecided of their career options too. When I shared with them my dream of becoming an astronaut someday, it inspired them to follow their calling. And by our last semester, I convinced four of my friends to apply to better universities in the state and the country rather than staying local. I knew they had the potential to succeed in a bigger and more prestigious university. They each got accepted and will now go to make their dreams and desires possible.

Planting that small seed while in calculus class has had a large impact in my life and the lives of each member. I learned that success as a group surpassed my own success. Each person will go out to the change world because they learned of what hard work, passion, and desire meant. It may have been a small group of people, but each of them will contribute to the betterment of our community and our planet by becoming Electrical, Aerospace, Mechanical, and Biomedical Engineers. My friends, who I love, I will miss, but I am certain that by helping them, I helped my community and the world at large, leaving a small footprint in their hearts and lives.

Letters / The boy inside of me is a dreamer. Help him get to college essay. [5]

Hello Essay Forum Team members, friends, and readers,

I am opening a college fund on GoFundMe.com, so I can use the money towards tuition expenses. The following essay is a draft, and it's a bit long. I don't want to cut anything without getting some feedback. Please help me with this essay. I would really appreciate it.

Thank you!

Start:

Hi, my name is Juan Sebastian Rubio. Recently, I graduated from Broward College (BC) with an Associate's Degree. With hard work, dedication, and the help of mentors and professors, I made it to the top of the rock: Graduation. My passion for math, science, and physics, led me to choose Aerospace Engineering as my study.

My mother gave birth to my siblings and I in Bogotá, Colombia. I attended Taller Infantil Quiroga, a small school where my love for both learning and math began. In third grade, I always finished my multiplication assignments first; I got in trouble many times because I got bored of doing nothing. This happened so often, that my teacher, Rosse Mery, placed me with the fifth graders to study. By the end of fourth grade in the year 2000, my mother left for the United States. Her earnings weren't enough to provide for us. She moved with her brother, a citizen of the U.S., and started cleaning homes right away. What earned in one day cleaning homes, she earned in Colombia in a month. She decided our future would be better in the U.S.

In 2002, my sister and I flew to the U.S. to be with mom once again. I began middle school right away and joined Esol classes. By the end of 8th grade, I was taking classes with English-speaking students; I mastered the language easily. When I turned 14, I helped my mom cleaning health offices in Boynton Beach, FL. I had to change out trash bags in the whole building, while mom vacuumed the carpets. I didn't mind working though; it gave me the freedom to buy my own things. That same year in 2005 (9th grade), I got a job at the mall as a sales clerk, pretending to be a 16-year-old. I loved working, interacting with people, and making money. In my senior year, I dual-enrolled. While I learned Algebra II in high school, I drove to college that same day to learn College Algebra. I was the few of the seniors taking college credits. In 2009, I graduated and won two scholarships, but due to my immigration status, I couldn't continue onto college or accept any aid. My mother did not have the resources to put me through college, so my dream of going to college died. I cried in my room when she told me the news. I was hopeless.

Between 2009 and 2013, I worked determinedly to make ends meet. At one point, I worked as a server, a property manager, and as a hotel clerk. I lived on my own, bought a car, and lived a comfortable life. People often asked me, "When are you starting college?" I didn't know what to respond, as my immigration status was unknown, so I told people, "Soon!" I held onto that dream, which helped me get through hard times, including depression. But in 2013, my life changed. I received my permanent resident card in the mail. The next week, I applied to Broward College without hesitation; they accepted. I took the placement test and placed high on my math and writing skills, allowing me to start regular classes. I continued what I had placed on hold back in 2009.

Last month, I walked across a stage to receive my diploma. I wore my aerospace decorated graduation cap with the words, "Limitless Dreamer," written on it. I stood up with the few students who had highest honors and attained a 3.95 GPA. Though, what matters the most was starting the study group, "The Calculus Team." Since Calculus I, I noticed two classmates besides me struggling with tests, and so, I offered my help. The group was born. The team grew from two people to seven total, all minorities. We helped each other through the toughest of subjects and studied together every night after class, studying on Sundays too. We were strong-minded. This support group helped us get high grades. My role in the group was of a mentor and a tutor. I led the team by gathering the meetings. Still, I discovered something in myself: I had the talent to get people to believe in their dreams. My friends noticed how hard I worked and followed my example. By graduation, I had convinced three students to apply to the best universities in Florida; they got accepted. This is by far my biggest and proud accomplishment.

My thirst for learning ignited my ability to dream, to where I now dream of the impossible. I aspire of being an astronaut someday. First, I have to go through a rigorous Aerospace Engineering program, and Georgia Institute of Technology has opened their doors for me in an acceptance letter. This university is where I will fulfill my dreams and where I get to mentor and inspire students and minorities.

That young boy in Bogotá does no differ from me today. He lives inside of me; he loves and appreciates. That boy is a dreamer. Will you help him get to Georgia Tech?

Because I am an out-of-state student, the costs are similar to a private college's tuition. I cannot afford tuition. If you would like to help, please click the "donate" link below. Any donation you can make, will be appreciated. I am determined for success, and I will not disappoint.

Thank you

End.

Undergraduate / Help an aspiring engineer get to Georgia Tech - Crowdfunding Essay [NEW]

Hello EF team,

I hope this finds you well. The following essay is an essay to raise money to pay for school. I have friends and family who are willing to donate, but I also want to share my story to others. However, I want to essay to be concise and to portray who I am. Please help me and give me any feedback. I will use this essay along with pictures to share my story, and hopefully be able to raise money to aid my education. Thank you for helping me.

Start:

Hello everyone. My name is Juan Sebastian Rubio, and I recently graduated from Broward College with Highest Honors and a 3.95 GPA. On May 2nd, I received a letter of acceptance from Georgia Institute of Technology (GT) to continue my studies. My passion for math, science, and physics led me to choose a career as an Aerospace Engineer, and my dream is to work alongside top aerospace companies to push the limits of space exploration. As you know, pursuing this dream will be costly, as GT is one of the top of the universities in the country, and it is my hope to avoid as much student debt as possible. My reasons for setting up this college fund is so I can attend GT by using the funds for tuition. If you would like to help, you can do so by making a contribution in the top right corner of this page.

For those of you who don't know my story, I came to the United States with my siblings back in 2002. My mother noticed we had better opportunities here than in our home country, Colombia. In order to make ends meet, my mother worked cleaning homes to make ends meet. Thus, at a young age, I saw the need to provide for my family, so I began working at the age of 14. In 2009, I graduated high school as the top 5% in the class and acquired two scholarships, but not having a permanent residence impeded me from continuing my studies or accepting any scholarships.

After four years of waiting, I received my permanent resident card and began my studies at Broward College. From the very first day, I valued been inside the classroom and was grateful that I could learn something new. I dedicated most of my college career working full-time whilst going to school and achieved high grades in every course. My professors quickly noticed my eagerness to learn that they began giving me extra time for tutoring. In 2014, I received an Outstanding Accomplishment certificate from the math department at BC, nominating me as a student with great potential. This charged and motivated me to start a math study group at BC, which was long standing for a year and a half. In the group, I was in charge of scheduling meetings, mentoring, and tutoring students. I helped peers succeed in math by teaching them my techniques of success, and I also inspired them by showing them the options of attending better universities and encouraging them follow their dreams and curiosities. I now have two friends who are still professors at the school, whom are now my mentors; and I have secured strong friendships with the group's members.

Now, here I am, ready to go to Georgia Tech to further my education, become a professional, and advance in life. My plan is to use all of GT's resources to help me succeed by participating in internships with aerospace companies, do research work on propulsion technology, and hopefully, to mentor other students who were once in my shoes. My reasons for this is because I saw many students struggle in college, and some of them did not have the courage to pursue their dreams either because of money or life problems. But I want to share my message with the Hispanic community, immigrants, and the world at large: That no dream is unattainable. Attending this university will help me spread that message further, and I intend to start a group that encourages other underrepresented students to attend universities like these that provide the best education, and money should not stop them from doing so.

I once had many limitations and did not think I could make it far in life. However, that has changed, and I am now more focused than ever and ready to dedicate my life to learning and where I can help others succeed. All of my experiences in life, the people who I have met, and the hardships I have encountered, have taught me to be strong when problems arise, and to take charge and move on when life is not perfect. I am ready to begin my career at Georgia Tech, and I hope you will help me achieve my dream.

End.

Scholarship / Career goals, life goals, and the reasons for choosing your degree. [5]

Hello EssayForum team,

The following is an essay for a small scholarship. This is just a draft. Can you please advise me and let me know if I have answered every question? I feel like the essay is all over the place, but then again, that is my own insecurity. Can I improve the essay by organizing it better? What do you think?

I appreciate any help you provide.

Describe your educational career and life goals. Explain your plan for achieving these goals. Include your degree/major, why you selected it, and how this degree/major will help you achieve your goals.

On May 12, 2016, I walked across a stage at the Fort Lauderdale convention center to receive my Associate's Degree diploma from Broward College. After two and a half years of hard work and dedication, I made it to the top of the rock: Graduation. Having focused on math, science, and physics, I chose to continue my education and pursue a career as an Aerospace Engineer, with the goal of advancing my studies to the graduate and Ph.D. level in the same area. My main goals in life are to live a passionate life of learning, advance in life professionally, and inspire the youth to pursue their dreams and careers by continuing their education.

My plan for achieving these goals is to transfer to Georgia Institute of Technology in the fall of 2016 to begin my upper level studies in Aerospace Engineering. It is a rigorous program and in one of the toughest universities in the country, but the education at this school is of the highest quality and world-renowned. In order to achieve my life goals, I need to do my best while at the school: participate in clubs and secure leadership roles, attain good grades, form close relationships with professors, and work in internships and apply to do research work at the school. By taking advantage of the university's resources, I will be able to achieve my goals and professionally advance in life. Also, the school has many opportunities to travel countrywide and meet with potential students, a good way to find any potential students that would contribute to the community and the world at large.

I chose Aerospace Engineering for several reasons. Since I was a child until now, I have always enjoyed flight. I still feel like a kid when boarding an airplane. Not only do I sit there in awe, but also I analyze the structure, the wing, the rivets, the sign that says, "Do not step here" on the wing, and the small hole in the window. In these moments of awe is when I wonder how this big structure was built, and I ask myself, "Can I design something like this?" My mind starts moving and thinking of ways to improve flight, and it is what led me to look beyond the airplanes to rockets and spaceships for interplanetary travel. The space race took us to the moon and beyond, and in this day in age, the world is trying to reach planets beyond low Earth orbit. My goal as an engineer is to contribute to research and further propulsion technology, to the point that space travel will almost be like riding a car. Many industries, including SpaceX, want to reach Mars by next ten years, and it is my plan to be a part of such a team. I believe that as we learn and grow and increase our knowledge of technology, we will make it viable to live in other planets. With my passion and curiosity and ability to lead, I know I will leave a footprint by working alongside a team to advance this technology.

Attaining this degree will change my life professionally; it will help me keep my mind and brain active from life-long learning. But the most important reason why I want to pursue this career is to lift out youth. With the upsurge of technology and the growth of the sedentary lifestyle of children, I want to change things around and encourage kids to turn from using their cellphones and gadgets, to actually building and designing gadgets. If we help a generation to become creators instead of consumers, we will change the world completely for the better. From what I learned at Broward College, success is about helping others, it is not just about me.

Letters / Cam, the leader. A scholarship essay on leadership characteristics. [3]

Hello team,

I hope this finds you well. I have begun to apply to several scholarships to aid my education. Please see my latest essay on leadership. I found this scholarship through my university's scholarships website. It is a draft. The limit: 1000 words. I am over 6 words, but that is of no issue. I would appreciate any feedback.

Describe the three characteristics of leadership you value most. Discuss why you believe that these traits are so important and how you feel that they are developed in an individual.

I met him while riding the train to New York City. He was sitting right in front of me, staring blindly to the Times paper that had crevices from being folded many times. Shy from forming conversation, I blindly asked, "What are you reading?" Our conversation took off. His name is Cam. He was born in California and was traveling to New York for work. He wore fine silk pants, nice shoes that shined like a bald man's polished head, and wore a tie as red as lipstick. I could tell he was a businessman. I found this fine young man to be approachable. His mannerism and smiles invited me to join and ask more questions, without being intimidated by his business look. It only took a few moments to realize that this man was the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, working to provide environmentally friendly housing for the poor around the country and the world. He had developed homes that were inexpensive and easy to build; he was on his way to present the new project to a team of investors. He shared his story of success with me, how he began to act as a leader in college, and he gave me of the secret formula for a leader: Someone who is creative, approachable, and a motivator.

"Why creative?" I asked. He mentioned that creativity is what fuels successful people. It is the seed and the gasoline that keeps a person inspired everyday to find new ways to succeed in life. Cam developed his creativity while finishing his career at a small College in California. He was in his final semester and did not know what to do about his life, having applied to colleges and accepted to many, but the burden of the costs began to worry him. He feared that he would not be able to go to school because of the high costs, making him doubt going to college. However, creativity helped him achieve success. He began writing a letter for a scholarship and quickly discovered that he was able to convey a story and grasp readers easily. He discovered his creative side, which he was not aware of. And so, he began writing daily, applying to as many scholarships as he could, and consequently, received aid to pay for all his college costs and tuition. His creativity helped him turn around the fear of going to college, into the access of free education, all because he used his mind and fingers to create art.

"Why approachable?" I asked. He commented that people in life are naturally afraid of each other and how the world today is filled with people who fear the boss. Cam's formula of being approachable: acting as the rest. Acting as if he was the man who worked in the mailroom, the man cleaning floors, or the man washing the windows. He believes that a true leader is the one who will get his hands dirty with any kind of job, and that makes him approachable. Instead of treating people as servants, he thanks them for their work. At 24, he captained 300-client event. He was in charge of leading the 20 staff, whose ages ranged from 23 to 55-years-old. "I was approachable to all of these people who I saw as friends and nothing else. And they resonated with me and believed in what I was doing. They were my friends." He ended.

"Tell me more about your secret formula," I said. "Well, Juan, the next and most important thing to this secret formula is: being a motivator." His explanation was that in any home, group, fortune 500, or small business, we need motivators. In order for a company to succeed, there needs to be someone who inspires and brings the best out of people. "A motivator is someone who can change a person's life," he said. Cam shared his story about German, an old-time friend he hired to work for his catering company. He wanted someone smart, fast, and reliable; he wanted a leader. German was smart, but he lacked the confidence, was shy, and did not speak much. Cam mentioned that in this type of situation, most employers get rid of their employees. Rather, Cam decided to train German on how to be a leader. He gave him a list of websites to read on leadership and told him of how he could succeed in any job by learning new skills. "Come out of your shell. Do not worry, I am here for you." Cam told German. And so, German began opening up to Cam and showed him that he was capable of more and proved him that those who wanted to be more confident could. Cam did not give up on German. Now, German is a successful young man. He is a leader, one that would have been turned away by someone who was not a motivator.

It takes many qualities to form a leader, qualities that are important to our world, because a leader can create ideas to make the world a better place. A leader wants change; he/she wants progress in life for the greater good, for the planet, for humanity. A leader can take us to Mars and beyond. A leader can simply give us what no one else can give, a friend. How do all of these qualities come about? These qualities are developed when a person realizes that life may not be perfect, and that there are changes to be made every day. An individual who sees life as progress and is not conformed, will want to attain the skills of a leader, because he would want to make a change in his small group of students, small community, home, household, state, country, planet, and universe. I am glad a met Cam, the creative, approachable, and motivator...C.A.M.

Undergraduate / I realize that my dream of becoming an astronaut is turning into a reality [2]

Hello everyone at Essay Forum,

This is my last college admission essay. Please let me know what you think.

Florida Tech's location maximizes students' ability to explore careers, gain work experience and conduct research with faculty in their major of interest. How would you take advantage of these opportunities?

As I prepare to graduate from Broward College, I realize that my dream of becoming an astronaut is now turning into a reality. Florida Institute of Technology's primal location will take me closer to achieving this goal.

When I enter the school of astronauts, I will take the opportunity to perform research work with its top-of-the line facilities and faculty, of whom three were astronauts. This is a chance to learn firsthand from previous space walkers, but also, to learn, design, and implement new propulsion technology that will take us humans to other planets in a shorter time. With a team of students who want to push the limits of space exploration, I will achieve this goal by furthering research on current propulsion systems.

Through internships with top of the line aerospace companies such as NASA, SpaceX, Boeing, I will gain the necessary experience and showcase my passion and curiosity for space exploration. With my tenacity, I hope to open the possibility of forming valuable relationships and securing jobs with these companies that are making it viable for us humans to live in space. My determination has taken me to great lengths, and I will demonstrate FIT and its partners that I am capable of achieving success.

This is the time to look beyond the sky into the universe. Joining FIT, the gateway to space exploration, will prepare me to become the first Colombian-born astronaut of the United States who saved humanity by breaking the barriers of space exploration.

Scholarship / A friend's letter of recommendation for the HENAAC Scholars Program [3]

Hello EssayForum team,

This is a letter of recommendation written by me and my friend, recommending me for a scholarship. My friend's writing skills are not the best, so I helped him write the letter with his thoughts. Please let me know if there are any mistakes in this essay. Could it be improved in any way?

I appreciate the help.

To Whom It May Concern:

It is an honor to recommend Juan Sebastian Rubio for the HENAAC Scholars Program. I met Juan in my Calculus III class, and we have maintained a close friendship since then. He deserves this scholarship not only because he is in need of financial aid, but most importantly, because he is a true leader.

When I met Juan, I informed him of my struggles with Calculus. I was out of school for two years, and my math skills had declined. He informed me of the Calculus team he formed and invited me to join. Throughout the course, Juan took the time to help me whenever I was in need. He challenged me before tests by reviewing material and asking questions until I knew the subject well. Without his aid, I could have not succeeded. He helped me reach the level of math I use to be at, and for that, I am grateful.

Juan led the team and encouraged us to do better by sharing his story. He worked full-time and attained high grades in his courses, motivating me to do the same. He inspired me to chase my dream of becoming an electrical engineer.

Juan can concentrate on any given task. He devotes his time and effort until he completes it successfully. When he transfers to his university of choice, he will succeed because he is determined, and he will lead the same way he did at Broward College.

I hope you consider him for this scholarship.

Please do not hesitate to contact me with any further questions.

Undergraduate / This is my final essay for my Introduction to Religion class. 'My spiritual journey with religion' [3]

Hello EssayForum Team,

This is my final essay for my Introduction to Religion class. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

A Spiritual Journey

It's the year 1999. I am sitting inside my great-aunt's apartment in Cali, Colombia. She quickly urges me to pick up the rosary and hold each bead and to start chanting, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." The ritual is called: 1000 Jesus. As Roman Catholics, we were required to perform this ritual every year. I did not understand why we had to do it, but if I didn't participate, my aunt would be very angry. I felt the same way about religion throughout my whole life. I never really understood the concept and was never enthused by prayer, nor did I believe that there was a higher power watching over us. When I moved to the United States, I never saw religion again; it became part of my past, and I never looked back to search the answer for the question I had: "What is religion for?" If I felt the same way about religion, how about those who still live in Colombia that follow religion by reading scripture and who are disconnected from the outside world of reality? How about the people that live in the United States that have come slaves of technology and who have forgotten the meaning of spirituality? How about the many people who suffer daily and who become slaves of their own problems and who forget their purpose in life? Where has humanity gone? Where has religion gone? Where has spirituality gone? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. I truly believe that by getting to know a religion and establishing rituals, we can learn about compassion and of our own spirituality, thus, helping us answer those vital existential questions in our lives.

It wasn't until last year in July when I truly came face to face with religion and with God. I was in my place of work and a song was playing on the radio. It was Lauren Daigle's single, "How Can It Be?" The song talked about God accepting us humans no matter how dirty our hands were. It told that God would still love me despite my dark past. In that moment, I sat down on the floor and began to reflect on my life. I began to cry because I had been living in some dark times. I was unhappy and my heart was closed to everyone around me. In that moment, I decided that I needed to change my life around for the better. I needed to talk to someone, and that someone, was God. The following week, I began going to church, and things began to change. I began to love and open my heart to everyone around me. This moment was like living in the Axial Age, learning about religion and compassion for the first time. I learned about rituals and spirituality too.

Religion has also opened my eyes to the way things are. I realize that many people around me are consumed by materialism. Some people importance on gaining wealth, rising in society, and attaining the best technology, cars, and houses; but they have also forgotten themselves in the way. They have forgotten the meaning of compassion for one another. I noticed this with my close family members as well, of which none are part of a church or a ritual. Both the people in society and in my family have lost that spiritual hunger that Allan Hunter mentioned in his video, "Spiritual Hunger." He says that we all posses that hunger, and that many suffer from it. He talks about depression and hopelessness as a result from this longing that is never unfulfilled. Hunter claims that part of the reason why our society feels that way is because we do not have rituals. I concur with that. Once we remove our selves from the material and focus on ritual and our spirituality, we will begin to see what really matters in our lives: Our well being, finding our purpose, and sympathy for others.

I began attending church every Sunday and establishing a ritual. Sunday became a day were I would forget about all of my troubles and as a day where I could communicate with God. While at church, I learned the meaning of love and compassion. Every Sunday, I was learning something new: how to be better, how to love, and how to lead a good life of service. Every time I attended church, I felt the collective effervescence. Church to me became sacred. Emily Durkheim talked about the sacred as an object that "receives the collective force and is thereby infused with the power of the community." Being inside the church and singing along with a group of people was igniting to my soul. This collective force brought the church to another level, and it connected me to the spiritual side that I longed for. I would often close my eyes and feel an energy throughout my body that I never felt before. It was a moment of Enlightment where I saw God and was able to communicate with him. It was a raw experience. This affected my life in many positive ways. I began smiling more and was kind to everyone. I started having more confidence in myself and saw the beauty in everything around me. Church and ritual were both pragmatic.

Participating in a religion changed my life drastically, and it made me connect with myself and realize that there was a side of me that was unknown: my spirituality. Diana Bass mentions, "Spirituality is a grass-roots adventure of seeking God, a journey of insight and inspiration involving authenticity and purpose that might or might not happen in a church, synagogue or mosque." For me, it happened inside a church. The moment I closed my eyes while the community sang as a whole, I felt emotions that were unknown to me; I felt revelation; I felt true spirituality. Hegel explains this moment as the "absolute spirit," and how religion can help us reach that level of spirituality. He calls it as a "way-station in the process of spirit." Edward Taylor too said something similar. He stated that believing in spiritual beings could get us to a higher spiritual state. In my life, believing in spiritual beings took me to another level where I was now questioning this force and energy within me. I was questioning this "tremendum," as mentioned by Rudolf Otto, as a feeling of awe, over empowering, and energy. I then began seeking answers by exploring rituals from other religions, which led me to finding transcendence through meditation. Combining what I had learned through Christianity and Buddhism has led me to answer many of the existential questions I have had throughout my life. I have begun to understand that all religions can help us reach that state of transcendence, thus I accept the concept of pluralism. There is no set truth. We must find our own truth by exploring what is out there and what makes sense to our soul.

My experiences with religion have encouraged me to learn more about religion. Learning about religion's past and present, makes me think about the future of religion. I believe the best way to teach people about their spirituality, is by introducing them to courses like introductory religion, so people can learn the meaning of religion and why it exists. By re-introducing religion, we can teach our children that there lays something extraordinary beyond the material and technology. We can teach everyone that we all have a sense of purpose. But we need to wake up and open our eyes before it is too late. We also need to encourage people to find their path. We should be aware that spirituality exists, and that religion can help us get there if we do it right.

That night in Cali makes more sense now than ever before. I was counting the beads to repent and ask God for forgiveness for all of the sins I had committed. I was trying to have a connection with the higher power that was over me. By saying Jesus, I was acknowledging God's existence and of his presence at all times. Religion served me as a bridge to find myself and to look beyond the material to fulfill my spiritual hunger. It opened my eyes the reality of our world today, and it served me well. I hope that more people in our modern society would seek religion in order to relieve them from their daily troubles. We all want to know why we came to this world, but we first need to be reminded that those questions are part of what makes us humans.