Undergraduate / Making perfect shoppings is connected with taking a major decisions; "Why I want to go to UCF" essay [9]

I wonder why you would post the exact same essay twice.

Undergraduate / Making perfect shoppings is connected with taking a major decisions; "Why I want to go to UCF" essay [9]

hmmm..the logical thing would be to post "Any more feedback?" on your original thread instead of littering the forum. It's also against policy.

Undergraduate / MSU personal statement "How has your environment influenced you?" [4]


^Did the changing just come with time or did a certain event or chain of events make you more understanding?


^It's not immature and not really cliche but it doesn't really stand out. The strongest part of your essay was the introduction but the rest of the essay rolls downhill mainly because there was no more fuel to keep it going.

Undergraduate / MSU personal statement "How has your environment influenced you?" [4]


^This is way too broad. I don't think that there is one person out there who does not seek to expand his or her view of the world.

Undergraduate / 'Passing storm' - MY FSU APPLICATION ESSAY [9]

First of all...did you run this through spell check at least? cause


is is rather comical spelling choice...there are also many other misspellings.



^What is a "brace" advisor? Also, as you can see, it is quite obvious that the question is asking you for life experiences so it is kind of odd that you needed an advisor to inform you of this.

You need not relive your entire thought process in your introduction.


^Hmmm...demoralized trees.


^Well technically you did not see "half" of the damage.


^You don't need to point this out especially.


^Same here. And self confidence is not moral vires.


^Huhhhhhh????? Hurricane Wilma? I thought you were talking about Katrina???

Undergraduate / "Being normal is overrated" - FSU essay. I need help on this... [2]


^Errr...I would like to think that I also have creativity.


^Unless you were in my kindergarden class (which you were not), you would not know if I played with Legos in the corner or not.


^This was in kindergarden...come on. You can not use this example (I mean you can but it would just be childish).


^Arrogant. Even if this is true and the teacher told you explicitly that you were her favorite student, it adds nothing of value to your essay. Telling a story about a cat and cheese does not impress admissions.

Same goes for your concluding paragraph. Choose a different topic and rewrite.

Undergraduate / 'Emergency rooms; I was attacked' - UCF topic number 1 [11]

Wow.


This was a really good story.

The part about overcoming this "bump" should be extended and more detailed because it offers a shakey conclusion.

Essays / (expanding on the idea?) - ucf essay question about obstacle or bump [7]

He's just being logically correct because the essay prompt is not in question format but that's irrelevent.

It doesn't matter if you strongly believe in something if that belief is either false, insulting, or immature.
I'm not saying that your belief is this way but from what little information you have provided us, I would say that it is inappropriate to write an essay on this topic because of the reason that Mustafa gave. It would be ok if you just talked about how there were obsticles for YOU (not "people" because generalizing is rarely correct) only because YOU allow them to be.

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]


^Nice greeting.

Insane it's really tough to give you help when you give us such a broad question.

Writing Feedback / Even though some of the ads are beneficent, we should have discretion for national purchase [4]

Are you supposed to write an essay on this topic? because this is not a legit essay.
You need to expand both body paragraphs with analysis of your claims/examples.

Undergraduate / 'the best educational setting' - Emory University Supplement [5]


^I can't imagine how professors who knew your name would help you recieve the support to develope critical thinking skills.

Your essay is too general.


^This is a problem and the indicator of a plain essay.

I think that you need to start with a different introduction.

Undergraduate / 'Not an artist myself' - Stanford A Good Place For You (many opportunities) [6]

You take a broad approach to this essay, which makes it more than 500 words. I'm not sure if admissions would like to read about every single thing that you like about stanford. I thought that you were going somewhere with your first paragraph but it turned out to be a somewhat unnecessary comparison to Stanford since you do not develope it beyond the intro.

Undergraduate / "More than meets the eye" - essay for Chicago U. [4]


^This makes you sound very weird. Especially the "mystical creature" part. Colleges don't want weird. It sounds as if you have no ambition and that you are...just weird. I don't think that it is humanly possible to not make assumptions.

Not sure if stating your ideals in the second paragraph is very wise since it doesn't really go anywhere and it seems to have no proven base to some of the statements.

You come off as thoroughly weird in this essay (at least I thought you did). Although U chicago is known for it's academic rigor and philisophical minds I'm not sure you are going about it in the right way.

Writing Feedback / "People just keep changing"; What motivates people to change? For SAT [5]

First of all your thesis does not answer the prompt.



^You have to introduce Robinson. Otherwise the reader has to infer from the rest of your paragraph who he is.


^Actually this whole paragraph is just really confusing. What footprint?

You are lucky that you got a 7 on the essay. This essay has a thesis that is not a thesis and poor structure. SAT readers are usually more inclined to give you at least an 8 if you organize your essay into the standard intro, body paragraphs, conclusion. Your conclusion must be identifiable as a conclusion. It has to sum up your points in the body paragraphs, it doesn't even need to be fancy, just something like "people are motivated to change because of *insert the main ideas in your body paragraphs*" normally if you are not a strong writer you go for 2 or 3 body paragraphs, few people can pull off 1 body paragraph and get a high score.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay An essay about moments in my life [3]

I would say that this essay tries to incorporate too much and isn't very balanced.
The second event does not reveal anything about your character or what you learned from the experience.

These examples never really go beyond a description of the event, they are all told in a rather dull way.


^I would avoid these types of sentences.

^Just say that you went hiking with the boyscouts in the Sangre de Christi mountains.

Undergraduate / I am going to make it to UCF, "bump in the road" [2]


^Ummm...not quite, especially since college decisions are not always uniform...you can be the best student ever and not get accepted. This is an immediate turn off.


^They don't need to be reminded of the prompt you are answering.


^Get on with it.


^Wait...I thought that your dad left.


^Kind of out of place.

The last paragraph is not very unique. All of it can be said for practically any college. I guess that's ok though cause it's hard to write something truly unique to the college you're applying to.

Undergraduate / "better interpersonal relationship" - UC Prompt #2 [10]


^It was because when this essay was posted zhoudongzhou gave very...unproductive feedback.

Undergraduate / Being morally, physically, and intellectually strong, "Vires, Artes, Mores" [3]

I recommend you completely rewrite this essay so that it has a focus rather than a list of your activities. You repeat the definition of Vires too much and you need to spell out small numbers. Your essay should take the reader beyond what is listed on your application. Was there a specific time in sports when you needed Vires? Describe that occurance. Was there a time when you overcame an intellectual barriar in order to excel academically? Describe that. Merely listing all of your activities is not enough for a college essay

Undergraduate / "Hanged Jesus portrait" - Common app - Evaluate a significant experience [3]

This is certainly a significant experience but I feel that your essay should show more than your compassion. I don't really see what you learned from this patient.


^I wouldn't use the word "serving" because I feel like it has a negative connotation. Replace with "caring for" or something like that.


^Well this is kind of contradictory because if he is not alive anymore, he can't really...get better.

The whole summary of the experience is a little choppy but I kind of like it, reminds of a story that I read back in the day...

anyway lol it is a little hard to understand because of some tense issues. I'm sure that others on this site will help you smooth that out. I'll just highlight a couple things that didn't make sense to me.


^Do you mean that you were in shock?


^What consequence?


^I don't really understand the leg thing.

Writing Feedback / "Categories of Criminals" - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [5]

Well the subject itself is not risky, but the examples you use to bring out your main idea is pretty risky.
You could mention these people but I would spend more time expanding it to something that discusses the negativities of stereotypes/ generalizations in general rather than just these murderers.

Undergraduate / Helping Someone Dear to Me- UC prompt 2 [5]


^You didn't really answer this part of the prompt.


^feet

You spend a decent amound of space explaining the situation but not enough space relating the situation to yourself. I can only see from this essay that you have the sense to call 911 and appreciate your family, which won't particularly impress admssions.

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1: unsatisfied with high school; UC prompt #2: experience at COSMOS [4]

Wow. First essay is quite...well I don't want to say arrogant because it isn't really arrogant but some of it is quite unnecessary because you compare things too much. "Most people are like this...but I'm like this. Even though the classes were hard...My persevereance was so epic that it couldn't stop me" It's kind of like your setting yourself on a pedestal. It's not arrogant, just kind of annoying to read. I would describe the experience in a more personal way rather than having a more analytical tone.

Undergraduate / "Tutoring as an extracurricular activity"-UNIV OF ILLINOIS [4]





^I thought that these word choices were appropriate but awkward to read.


^Remainder


^Skeptical. and why were you skeptical?

Scholarship / Mathematics is my passion - Saint Louis University Scholarship Essay [3]



^These are all singular but you talk about soccer and mathematics :/ I would imagine that this is ok but...


^ I don't like the use of these transitions.

You really only tell tell tell. Like, I did this and I got that and then this and then that. I feel that this essay could capture the univerity's interests but it could also just fall flat. Best case scenario, the scholarship people are impressed with all of your accomplishments and decide that these accomplishments make you a better candidate. Worst case scenario...many scholarship aplicants have similar, if not greater, acheivements. In this case you would be better off with including a more personal approach to your essay. Show your traits rather than listing them off.

Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]


^This is not a sentence.


^"The author take us on a quest..."

The whole first paragraph is comprised of choppy statements.

What exactly is the essay question? Cause you may need more analysis in your body paragraphs rather than story telling.

Undergraduate / "a passionate juggler" - Common App Short Answer [5]


^Yes it does and it is also very unique. Before you mentioned


I thought that the answer was little...I can't find the right word.


^For example, this just doesn't sound very intellectual.


^And this.

Undergraduate / 'The best advice is experience' - Cornell university --why cornell engineering? [12]


^Physics...and fixing electronics. how do those two things relate? And it just sounds silly when you say that this event caused you to decide what you want to do for the next four years of your life.


^Not how your interest in engineering came about, which is what your essay talks about.


^Wouldn't it be more of a thump thump crack?

Book Reports / Comparative Essay on Charaters of The Great Gatsby and Hamlet [4]

Daisy and Ophelia, in my opinion, were rather minor characters used to develope the main character. They are both presented as naive and not self-sustaining (Ophelia because she chose to let her father and brother manipulate her feelings...and Hamlet harmed her). Gertrude and Daisy have less similarities but they're both volatile women in terms of relationships with men.

Undergraduate / "Your favorite books, music, artists, newspapers, films" UChicago short response [8]

Hi Edgar, I suggest you rewrite this because all you do is bring up point after point and never develope any of them. I would like to see you focusing on one book rather than summarizing two. You need to come up with a better structure than "In the book it's like this...and that relates to me because..."

Maybe you can elaborate on a single intellectual idea that intrigued you in the book.

Undergraduate / "weaknesses have turned out my strong points" - The world I come from MIT Essay [5]

^Straight up bad introduction. The first sentence is unnecessary. The second sentence is cliche. The third sentence is both cliche and unnecessary. You need to begin with something more interesting.

throughout your essay all you do is describe in a quite consistantly boring tone.

Undergraduate / "My interest lies in science" - MIT World I come from [3]

This is an event, not an example of the world you come from.


^I don't understand this part. How can science reverse this scenario?

Undergraduate / Math, continuous learning - Discuss the subjects you have excelled. [4]


^You used "excelled most" twice, it sounds awkward. Are you really #1 in your school? And you sound kind of arrogant when you say that you're so good that you don't know what you're good at most.


^again with "the most" and the first sentence is random.


^an excuse to come to school? does that mean that you wouldn't go to school if you did not have these two subjects in your schedule?


^I'm thoroughly confused by this. I don't think that you need these general statements. Everybody knows what math is like.


^Placing such emphasis on your placement amongst your peers does not demonstrate a lust for knowledge but rather a desire for unessential status.


^unnecessary


^You can't just add something randomly as an afternote. You mentioned science before and yet you did not explain that. Either expand it or delete it.

Undergraduate / "convenience, ardor, and majors" - UCF Admission Essay - why I chose UCF [3]

^Get to the point or develope a more lively introduction that doesn't start with a broad statement.


^the prompt asks why you want to go to UCF, not why UCF is better than FSU

Undergraduate / My Journey as a Fighter. College essay, topic of choice. [2]

First of all, I thought that your essay was intensely engaging because you deal with unique subjects, but in some parts I feel like it's almost too intense.

For example, your first sentences: "I begin to feel the warmth of blood rushing through my nose and into my mouth. I tuck my chin to spit."

This grabs my attention immediately but I don't know if it's in a good way or a bad way. It feels kind of scary, and that's the way I feel throughout your essay.

In order to conquer this, I feel like I need more explanation in this essay as to how this sport is healthy for your mind and body because right now it sounds rather pointless to be beating up people or getting beat up in a cage.


This is good. More explanation would be better.

Overall, your essay talks about two things: MMA and your dad's addictions. I want more of your input. How it effects you in more detail. I think that the segment about your dad has more potential than the description of MMA.

If you just worked off of this and put more of why it effects/changed you I feel like you will have a really strong essay. You can add you experiences with MMA along with it. How does MMA define you? How does your father define you? How does it help you channel your emotions? Hopefully it's in a way that makes you stronger.

Undergraduate / "I want to know whom we are" - Stanford (intellectually engaging idea) need criticism [5]

I like this idea of hypothetical situations and I think that it can be developed into a more complex one.

First of all your essay is basically about how one should not judge a book by it's cover, which doesn't really relate to the hypothetical situations thing. This saddens me a little because I thought that you were going to tackle some engaging philisophical concepts.

The examples that you give are kind of cliche. Screaming men and unlikely heroes are both used often for this theme. I think that if you were to stick with this topic, you would have to develop something deeper and tell the reader how this idea effects you.

An idea that just came into my head with this situational stuff. You could write about how lucky you are that you will not have to find out what it is like to be in the situations that you thought up (which are very much reality for some people like the soldiers and people who are in real disasters). I guess that could effect how you live your life.

But I probably shouldn't be giving you a topic since this essay is about an idea that you find interesting :-/

Undergraduate / College Essay: Salvation Army, Community Service [3]


^ This part is a little lengthy. I don't think that your introduction of the woman should take up half of your essay.

I would emphasize how this experience helped you realize that communication barriers can be broken and how you've become more social and self confident in your service to others. I don't particularly see the connection between your service to others and your contribution to the university. Maybe you should add a little detail there.

I liked the introduction and I think that you need to keep that pace going with the rest of your essay. Instead of stating the experience and then reviewing it afterwards, you could probably fuse the two parts with more progression and storytelling. At each stage of the experience, what did you take from it at that particular moment.

Undergraduate / "Why I Do Theater" - Yale Supplement [6]

I love it.


^Especially this part.

I think it gets to the point without trying to be showy and you tie everything together well. I like the progression of talking about how you can affect other people, and then how you get something out of theatre as well. It really makes you more multidimensional than many other applicants who only talk about their undying love for serving other people (me being one of those applicants). I like that you are in theatre for yourself.

You could add a little more about how it feels to become those characters. I also think that you could make the connection clearer between the appreciation of simplicity and theatre itself rather than just the song.

Undergraduate / "lived to save her and to save myself" - where you come from, UC personal [6]

^Now this is essay material, especially since you don't talk much about your dreams and aspirations in the essay.

I think that it's perfectly fine to aspire to live. In fact, I think it's the most important thing.
It's also important to tell the reader of your vision for the future. Having one is also something important.

For this essay I guess the mood is very important and that's why I'd like to see the last 1/3 of your essay look like a sunrise because right now it doesn't quite do that. I would do this by stating what you just said in your comment. Of course without the grades and stuff. Focus on your outlook on life. In the end I would also try to provide a new direction that your going to go in from now on other than just plain living.

You need to make it certain without any doubt that you believe in your future now.

Undergraduate / "everything about people's behavior" - unique qualities that attract you the College [4]

I am actually a freshman right now at UM!


^Funny, but this shouldn't be in your essay.

I was a little confused throughout your essay. I don't get how the guest speaker has to do with anything and neither do you apparently:


Maybe you should cut down on the intro since I don't see what you're trying to do with it and maybe talk more in depth about how psych intrigues you.


^I don't think that you're really explaining what you want to explain here. Maybe take some more time in developing this section.

Maybe you're dissatisfied with current contributions to the field of psych so you want to bring yourself into the area. Maybe you feel that many of your ideas are already a part of psych and you want to know how much stuff there is to learn about it. It'd be nice to know what you plan to do with this information.

I like to think about thoughts and U of M has the 2nd best department for thinking about thoughts is probably not enough.

Undergraduate / Describe your environment, "Buffy the vampire slayer" [4]

You don't write enough about how that event influenced the person you are today. I mean I understand that you became more aware of your surroundings but how has that awareness changed you?


^I understand what you're trying to say here but you could say it more clearly. More importantly, all of these environmental factors in your life have to be a part of you also. I want to know how your culture influences you.