Writing Feedback / IELTS Writting task 1: UK adolescents following a vegetarian diet. [7]

You write well. However, you need to pay particular attention to the appropriate language of change.
Please allow me to describe this line graph:

In 1960, the percentage of adolescents following a vegetarian diet stood at 0%. However, over the following twenty years, there was a sudden increase, with the rate of reaching a peak 15% in 1980. Next, the lowest point was reached on the line graph in 90s, but then increased gradually from 5% to 10% between 2000 and 2001, a rise of about 5% in 10 years. By 2020, the proportion is predicted to remain virtually unchanged

Writing Feedback / Free time or money? Spending time with family brings more advantages for both workers and companies [3]


Omit base on the hours, so as to avoid writing redundancy. Everyone knows that wage is according the number of hours.


Perhaps, you can add some information at the end of this presentation. Let's say: A lower-paying job with shorter hours would keep employees happy on the job and lower a company's portion of payroll taxes.


Short-hour work creates


Shorter working week/ reducing the working week


For the two aforementioned advantages, why don't you try to provide the facts? Belgium and Netherlands have a 30-hour working week, while the overall numbers of German workers puts in 35 hours a week. Those countries ease employees' lives and the economy.


I think you need to enlarge the discussion about disadvantages of low wages.
If a worker has a minimum wage, then these points might happen: unemployment, cost push inflation, and black market. Those points can be added to support the details.


and


These add no value for the presentation. Omit them.

Writing Feedback / Modern technology, such as chemical fertilizer is dangerous to human health and local communities [8]


Many students use this type of sentences when constructing the introduction. I am afraid this will make readers lazy to read your essay.

I try to write an introductory statement for this question:


Chemical fertilizer resulting from today's developments in science and technology are bound to pose benefits to the local community and human health. Although this is true because some people who rely on this could enhance productivity as to achieve a quick and easy profit, some others argue plants grown in this fertilizer are fairly susceptible to diseases organisms. Both ideas have merits and demerits. Therefore, I would argue that while controlling the increasing use of chemical fertilizer in farm lands, local government should also lead the farmers into the true belief that organic fertilizer is more productive.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: "CLIMATE CHANGE" - politicians should take a step to save our environment [3]

When it comes to an introductory statement, you are asked to introduce the topic. Most students simply paraphrase the prompt as the background information and write a periodic sentence for the thesis because they believe that if they do this approach, this will save their time, not to present bulky ideas.

A closer look at the following body paragraphs shows that you failed to develop your central argument due largely to the lackadaisical topic and details presented. I suggest you to state the relevant example(s) retrieved from today's common issues and construct journalistic questions if needed. Also, improving less common vocabularies is a must. 'Bad is one of the examples that your graders won't read, or your score for this will decline. Next point you should highlight is the use of a subject-verb agreement, which plays an important part in grammar issues.

Writing Feedback / Responsible tourists to preserve about culture and environment [5]


This intro failed to restate the background and has no a strong thesis. Let me give a try for this question:


It is true that tourists are to pay particular attention to encourage sustainable culture and environment. While some people think that this idea seems highly dubious due to some major negative issues having to do with ecotourism, I believe that awareness about sustainable issues can be developed by controlling and managing the negative impacts on the physical environment.


Excessive number of tourists


each point of major tourist attraction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing Task-2 which type of teaching is better indoor or outdoor [4]


Simply paraphrase the question. You can use periodic sentence to open a strong thesis statement, such aswhile some people argue that academic activities should be done as indoor activities, some others believe that outdoor teaching gives students opportunities to learn practically and philosophically . Therefore, I believe educational stakeholders should allow young students to work creatively in both indoors and outdoors.


Control every sentence you have. This brings you avoid writing redundancy information.outdoor teaching gives opportunities to children to learn from others in terms of cooperation: sharing thoughts


Well, I think young children don't have to get involved in seminar and conferences as to learn social environment. In the outside playground children can learn ecology: watching butterflies learns to fly and plants grow. By this, I am sure that children are more likely to enjoy and remember what they have learned due largely to some engaging plays in personal meaningful.

Graduate / Some movies and TV programs are showing a negative trend in guiding young people' behavior [5]

I did not see you write this essay with an appropriate format. I say that this is because you failed to present a strong thesis statement in introduction. A period sentence, for example, can be used to make your thesis strong.


do you mean overwhelming influence?



TV programs have bad influence on young people. This is the reasons why they are easy to make violent and horrible ideas about the way life.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: How does advertising influence people's behaviour? [5]


today's market


a tight race


Obviously,


team and copywriters. However, we. (Write However, instead of but in the first of the sentence)


It is good if you write this part as an example.


Finally, the most scary stage

Writing Feedback / Ielts task II : Vegetarianism vs meat-containing diets. [4]


Going meat-free on a vegetarian diet plan may need to be alert to potential pitfalls.


Well, even though this essay opens for discussion, it is always good to express your point of view conclusion. Where possible, you could state a suggestion.

Undergraduate / I am a paranoid and sometimes I like to see other people suffer - Personal Description Pharagraph [5]


I am Prima Sabrina Ndaru Lestari, commonly known as Prima.


A subject and verb agreement:


Sensei" which meanS


one who always supportS


a hospital which shareS


which is usually written

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Education should be considered as the most important factor in a country's success [10]


Well, I did not see you present a solid thesis here. Use periodic sentence as thesis statement. Have a look at this example:
Although it seems simple, mastering grammar requires many years of practice (periodic sentence)
Mastering grammar requires many years of practice although it seems simple (non-periodic sentence)


Education should be considered as the most important part if compared to the economic sectors of a country when assessing its success

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Gender distribution of teachers in different educational institutions [6]

Please allow me to give a try for the introduction and overview:

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of man and woman teachers in several educational institutions from nursery school to university in UK in 2010.

Overall, male became dominant teachers in private training institute and university, while female teachers broke a record of teaching between nursery and secondary school. In any case, both genders in these groups are expressed as a fair percentage of teaching in college.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Pollution and damage of environment are resulted from a country developing. [6]

People's activities change the atmosphere and environmental condition. Many people (1) regard that in a non-globalized country, (2) a significant improvement in all (3) sectors, (4) results (5) environmental damaging and air pollution. Personally, I strongly believe that this argument can be accepted.(6)

1. regard means think about. What do you want to say? Better use 'argue' or 'claim'
2. Improvement as uncountable noun, so you don't need to add an article
3. Which sectors? Economic, industrial or market sectors?
4. Omit the comma. No comma at all between the subject and verb
5. Faulty comparison
6. Who will accept it? This interrupts the flow.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the best factor to measure the status of a country is its standard of education. [4]

Take Japan for example, this country was not an economically strong country at the first time, and its natural resource is very poor, besides , it is one of the countries that suffer most from natural disasters every year

An obvious example of this can be taken from Japan whose population has lived in poverty line and has suffered most from natural disasters

To me, the most trustworthy indicator among those mentioned above is
Given the evidence, I believe that education as itsignificantly affects strongly on the other two assets.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] the number of population in three different countries - biggest in Washington [3]


The introduction is too bulky.
Why don't you start writing this: The line graph shows a large portion of the population living in Columbia, Yamhill and Washington,...


Columbia had a population of (write the figure number here, a number in the thousands). This was the lowest growth in fixed period.


similar significant upward patterns.


A period of rapid population growth in Washington

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] The proportion of energy from coal [4]

A closer look at the data reveals that the percentage of coal energy which is(This brings a problem, in terms of tense use. Write which are, or omit it.) produced in three European countries remained reasonably stable from around 28% to 20% between 2004 and 2007.


write "a decrease", instead of this.


I couldn't agree more. You need to deliver obvious improvement in bodies. Let's say, you might group them by the first two countries: German and Denmark in one paragraph, and the other countries in the next one.


Simple write: Coal energy sources

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Some students live in their hometowns, but others in different cities - which do you like? [7]

living and working in diverse cities isare actually great treasure for not only youngcommon people

Admittedly ,In conclusion, living in hometown can make people feel cozy and safe . It is no more risks , but stability and fulfillment .

Writing Feedback / IELTS: some people think the government should spend more money on science than art. Do you agree ? [4]


(the) amount of is followed by uncountable noun
(the) number of followed by plural noun


excellent idea



Using the exact words of another person by enclosing them in quotation mark is also categorized in memorized language. You may get penalized in IELTS.

I think this is much more better if you say this idea in another way. (paraphrasing it)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: It should be mandatory for every company to substitute their old equipment with new ones. [6]

In the late 20th century, our wrong activities have ruined the environmentsDue to these incorrect manners(I prefer this sentence:Some company actions have impacted environmental change. By this , many jungles and forests have been burned and majority of living thingscreatureshashave been extinct. (As a matter of the fact, we clearly try to kill ourselves by our hands (this is not the part of the idea. You'd better omit it, or you are off topic) . Measures should be taken to tackle this:Thereby companies should be aware of the futures hardship and try to change their behavior. They must spend money, (no comma) to provide a protected ecosystem; to prevent extinction of species; and to restore forests and natural ecosystem as their environmental responsibility for future generation . They have to spend money to rebuild the destroyed environment (it seems to me that you have said this statement. You'd better omit as to prevent verbose content) . In fact, this is a vital part of our responsibility to the next generation.

Granted, pollution is one of problems of our planet, which has damaged todamaging the natural environment. Results show many factories have produced air pollution or water pollution and so forth (This can be categorized as lazy language, which seems that you don't want to finish your idea. Better omit) . As a result, they have to be responsible aboutforthesethe environmental destruction and contamination. One possible solution is to They mustallocate amount of money to adopt eco-friendly machinespend budget for researches to improve their machines to produce less pollution .

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The earlier ages for learning the second language the better [5]

Nowadays, you can find every parents lookSing forward to plan teaching a foreign language for their children at early ages. Some research has revealed thatResult showsthethat earlier age for learning the second language havethe betterproven ability in performing like a native speaker . Although I agree that primary school can make children a better new language learner than secondary school, there are some important points for considering. (Rewrite this part as to show clarity)

Undoubtedly, the younger children are to learn a foreign language the more successful they will be ( this interrupts the flow of the sentence) , since the brain inatvery early ages is fresher and more competence to absorb new information clearly. If children in early stages begin to learn a new language, they will be more intelligent and more qualified toassuccessful recruitment inof international jobs.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Next 20 years - transportation goes ahead and novel version of automobile will be produced. [4]


Is this you mean?
There are many things individuals can do to reduce harmful emissions to our air, land and water. One of them is to use transport more carefully.

Writing Feedback / a Table about proportion of female & male genders in sports [5]


It is not necessary to provide an example for ielts task 1. Your task is to present this report with formal tone.


This figure created the same trend as walking-sports.

To help you successfully through the IELTS writing task 1, go get this site: ieltsbuddy(dot)com
Then, write and submit your report writing here with the picture of the graph :D

Writing Feedback / Ielts: it is necessary that parents should be obliged to protect their offspring by vaccination [6]

It is proved thatResult shows that vaccine injection not only improveS children's immune system but also helpS them to develop the physical appearance and intellectual ability , (stop here) wW hat is more, apart from children vaccinated, other children who go to nursery and primary school with them could also not be affected by infectious diseases.

EveryThe range of issue has both positive and negative sideS

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The pie charts indicate different percentages of expenditure on seven items [6]


Clearly, the public expenditure of food and cars in in both years showed the maximum percentages.


Initially, the public expenditure of computer was fairly low, at only 1%. However, this figure increased dramatically over the 30 years to represent the third largest proportion of public expenditures in 1996 at 10%

Writing Feedback / Extinction of some languages will make life easier through improving the efficiency and employment [6]


Some minority languages are dying out due to rapid population growth.


People without thelittle language skills will be very hard to acquireprocessthese information

Many problems caused by incorrect grammar, I recommend learning basic grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - The residents of Edmonton are especially keen on cars [7]

I always write an introduction and an overview in separated paragraphs. Let's give a try for this paragraph;


Introduction: The pie chart shows the percentages of different modes of transportation, and the table illustrates why people choose car as Edmonton city transport.

Overview: Overall, the highest percentage of different means of transportation is recorded by car. At the same time, people seem to favour this type of transport to get to work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Women absolutely dominate in two fields' - male and female teachers [7]


Write an introduction and an overview in separated paragraphs .

Well, let me give a try for this area:
The bar chart shows the proportion of men and women working as teachers in six different types of educational institutions: nursery, primary and secondary schools, colleges, private training institutes and universities in the United Kingdom in 2010.

Overall, female teachers prefer teaching in between early childhood and secondary setting. However, male teachers are more likely to pursue a teaching career in higher-education institutions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'economic, diplomacy, and environmental' - most popular career choices for youth in Indonesia [4]


Here are some issues I reveal that you should pay particular attention to:
1. Spelling
2. Word form
3. Lower/upper-case letter
4. I did not see you write a strong thesis statement.


This seems to me you don't have much choice to write a topic sentence.


This is wordiness. Simply write: In conclusion,

Writing Feedback / IELTS - The residents of Edmonton are especially keen on cars [7]

The pie chart compares the percentages of different modes of transportation used in Edmonton. Whilst , and the table illustrates the main reasons for trvallingtravelling by car.


This contains bad grammar. What you need is to write a full sentence. Let's give a try: At the same time, this is closely followed by the percentages of taking children from school and doing business, with 40 and 45 per cent respectively.


To increase a good score, you'd write an overview, instead of a conclusion. Please check IELTS TASK 1 Writing band descriptors (public version).

Writing Feedback / Advertising has too much influence on what people buy? [4]


I did not see you present a clear thesis statement here. Please check it





This is verbose. Simply write: In conclusion,
For the next essay, it is always good to leave one line when opening a new paragraph, so it is easy to recognize the how many paragraphs are constructed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Intelligent students should be educated separately. Do the benefits outweigh the problems? [4]

This introductory paragraph is too simple. You need some major changes. For this prompt, let's give a try;


More attention should be paid to how to teach elementary school children . While some people argue that children should be placed together into a class, others claim that schoolchildren should be categorised into ability classes. These two ideas bring many pros and cons. Therefore, I believe that schools should divide the students according to their levels of IQ.

Writing Feedback / 'Globalization is like elephant' - how it affects the world? [5]


It is hard to share meaningful feedback because you did not include the complete prompt.

You need more works for the introductory paragraph. Some phrases should be rewritten as to prevent a lack of clarity. Instead of writing this:


, you'd better write: The increasing globalization of business has changed the world. . Also, I did not see you present a strong thesis statement. Remember: a strong thesis statement takes some sort of stand.

Some limited vocabularies are shown;


run/establish business. One word is always better than two words.


This can be categorized as sweeping generalization. Write some people


This word is too common and not for a score of 7. Use it's synonym


present more academic tone


This is vague.


This brings a vague idea. Clarity of writing makes the essay a pleasure to read

Writing Feedback / 'Globalization is like elephant' - how it affects the world? [5]


Is this you mean? The increasing globalization of business has changed the world.


While subject + verb, subject + verb. This is called a periodic sentence mostly used in introductory paragraph.


Write some people, instead of you

Writing Feedback / Ielts: why and how parents teach their kids the importance of money? [7]


The red phrase interrupts the flow.


kids is informal. Better use children.


An obvious example of this can be taken from my past life,


I prefer using the word of 'prevent', which is more formal


daily allowance


responsibility for


attention to

Writing Feedback / IELTS Competitiveness is a positive quality for people to have among most societies. [2]

Here is some general advice. Hope this helps;

If you look at people taking GRE exams, then mostly they put 400-750 words in 30 minutes. While IELTS test takers have 40 minutes for task 2, the number of words I suggest is between 300-350 words. This means that you will have in-depth discussion with more words in IELTS task 2. However, this must be written in a clear and logical way, called coherent. Also, you should present grammatical and spelling errors-free.

Let's say:


they might BE aware


encounter


daily


people are not gradually responsive


in comparison to/with


drawbacks


adversely


the society becomeS


a living,which impactS


cannot

#bodies
Each body should have a clear example. This can be your supporting details

#conclusion
After a concluding signal, make sure you have a summary of main points of this essay. Then, the next sentence should be thesis statement which is restated with different words. If you could, then add a final comment about the main idea of this essay. This is the importance of a conclusion :D

Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows the amount of sales in silver goods in 000's of units for two companies nextyear [4]

Where is the picture? Readers will share thoughtful feedback if you include the picture of the graph. Also, you should write IELTS task 1, including the full prompt.

Always write an overview presenting the overall trends after introduction


This is too bulky. Break it into two sentences

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the importance of history - removing this course from school curriculum is unwise [4]

I like the way you present this essay :D
How about the time? Did you finish it into 40 minutes?


If you could, rewrite this intro with no thought-provoking questions. The main purpose of this is to test you for paraphrase skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - 'the chart also predicts the proportions in 2040' - quantity of the population aged 65 [3]

Make sure you have an overview written after introduction.
Let's give a try;
Overall, the proportion of ageing population from Sweden and USA has risen steadily in ten decades. In any case, this percentage declined slightly in Japan, but will be gradual rebound from 2000 onwards.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Can environmental problems be solved by individuals? [2]

This essay is good. However, I have a few points to share:


no contracted form. Write cannot


initiate efforts / make an effort


In other words


This interrupts the flow. If you could, rewrite this sentence.


Well, you'd better present the other ones with academic tone. There are many common linkers or appropriate conjunctions.


if you present an example, try to write it clearly. To have one, you should ask some journalistic questions: how many? how? who? what? when? results?. By this, I am sure that you will have details as to support the topic sentence.

Have look at this "specific example":
Many everyday practices are now performed by machines instead of people and this has resulted in less need for labour. For example, in recent decades nearly all major banks have replaced telephone operators with telephone switchboards that have recorded messages and all banks now have automated teller machines (ATMs). This reduces the need for people to visit the bank itself and has resulted in a corresponding decrease in the need for the bank staff. As bank and other similar business strive for profit, this is likely to increase unemployment further in the future.

Who? Banks
How many? nearly all
When? Over the last few decades
What? Replaced need for telephone operators and bank tellers
How? Using switchboards and ATMs
Result? People don't need to visit the bank and less staff are needed

When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read. Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The contribution of agriculture, manufacturing and business sectors to the UK economy [3]


write agricultural sectors


business and financial sectors.