Undergraduate / "Dancing Clams" - New common app Review [13]

Hi Stephanie, if you want a variety of opinions, just paste the web address into other people's threads after you give them a few sentences or paragraphs of feedback, and ask them to click the link to your essay.

This sentence seems like:
I stared down ------> much flavor.
I would like it better this way:
I stared down at my bowl of translucent, flavorless clam soup.

Moments ago, I had poked at the soup
Moments earlier, I had poked at the soup...

"Well...it was probably alive before, but not anymore," she said. "We eat things that have feelings?!" I pointed at a dish with a chunky stew. "Is that alive too?" My mom tried to tell me that beef was meant to be eaten, but it was too late. Images of clams dancing around each other with wide smiles filled my mind. --- This part is very cool but before it appears, you should add a thesis statement to the end of the 1st paragraph. Now that I see what the essay is all about, I know your theme is about empathy, but you should express it in a thesis statement at the end of that first para.

:-)

Undergraduate / "$5000 is Nothing" - (event, experience, risk.. ) Common App Essay [3]


This is a cool sentence, but how can your face contort while that happens? Ha ha, I like it, though.


Wow, you are funny... this is a cool essay. I'll keep reading and see if it has a strong theme.

Well.. I hae to say, you could have done a better job reflecting on a life lesson you gained. Express a unique insight in a sentence or two. Does a person 30 years older than you have some perspective you do not have? Add something intriguing to the end of this essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I've graduated from university" - Help in correct a short paragraph. [2]

Welcome to the U.S. Ammar!

I'm sorry it took so long to get a response this time. Here is some help:

I guess my greatest achievement will be when I've graduated from university. It took me
five years to finish it.
I was working at night and going to the university next in the morning. It was hard to stay up for 16 hours. ----I bet it was!

I remembered remember sometimes I stayed up for 20 hours to get done with my homework or my working. I did n't have a normal life like my other friends, because I was busy in my college and my work. I believe that one day my hard work and my studies will give me something good

in my life.
Those two things encouraged me to come to United States; I have ability to continue with my
studies and pass all the difficult circumstances in my life.
In fact, no matter who you are, if you believe in yourself, you can achieve all your goals and make your dreams come true.

Great job! You can talk about "my studies."
I will complete my studies in 2013.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Looking down the Second Floor" - Stanford Supplement -- Intellectual Vitality [5]

No need for the comma here:
...how they moved, and interacted with one another.

A blonde girl.--- give another phrase of description so that it is a little more meaningful.

Okay, this is great, but it lacks something. All you need to do is add a paragraph full of research evidence to support one of your main ideas from the essay. What idea do you want to reinforce with research? Whatever it is, search a database of scholarly articles for keywords associated with it, and this will turn immediately into a psychologically intriguing intellectual experience essay.

Undergraduate / Economics: intended major + volunteering in a clothes store - experience [2]

I started being interest interested in Economics when I first learned what Economics is about in twelfth grade. I am always passionate about understanding human behavior. I still remember when I was small I will would always ask people why people act like that under this a particular circumstances. As I grow up, my questions become more directed toward t he market and economic field. I like asking we need to pay for the income tax, why mom always buy things that is cheaper or on sale or why company raises their price, etc. Since that I know that I love economics and I want to be in this field.

I enjoy learned learning about economic forces, I learn more about people through this major.

I gained an opportunity to study customer behavior. I learned how to...

One of the thing that I gain from this involvement is the impotency of international trade.
No, impotency, means something different! I think you mean importance, right?

You need to practice conjugating verbs! I am impressed by your focus on economics, though!

Undergraduate / Journalism or Traditionalism? / CommonApp Personal Statement [3]

I believe in the foundations I have grown with, and I have proved myself again and again a well-mannered, intellectual young Muslim woman, and I have practiced my faith and the society in which my faith subjugates (I think you are using this verb the wrong way... do you mean "is subjugated?" That does not seem correct either. Try to reword it for clarity.


I assume this means they stopped discouraging you? Do not let gender oppression from less sophisticated times hold you back from achieving your dreams in the 21st century. That would be a tragedy.

My plans for the future are to become the best (add noun here) I am able to become, regardless of the ties of customs that may hold me back, so it was my job to (persuade my parents to?) agree with my major and my decision.

I found my talents stem from all subjects, but my passion stood in writing and speaking.--- brilliant. I recognize that talent as I read this.

As I read the last paragraph, I am certain that you will be accepted everywhere this essay is read. It's as good as college essays get. Look to the future, and be aware of how times are changing -- it was not that long ago that women in India were expected to commit sati if their husbands died, and it was not that long ago in human history that women were burned as witches... and in conservative Christianity and Islam it is common to expect women to, as is said in Christianity, be obedient to the husband just as the church is obedient to god, and that the husband is to love the wife just as god loves the church. This is clearly gender oppression! And in Islam the women have to wear a burqa for modesty? That would be fine if men did it, too, but they do not. Religion is okay, but gender oppression is not okay, and I hope you do all that is necessary to assert yourself.

Undergraduate / "be a more well rounded individual" - reasons for transferring, objectives to achieve [4]


Very vague and nonspecific. Let's try to come up with a better intro sentence! This one is boring, and it is not very impressive.

As I keep reading, it remains vague and abstract: One objective that I have is to allow NYU to transform me into a strong, assiduous, dedicated, and brilliant person.

I hope you will rewrite this in a way that shows how you are conducting research about a particular field you intend to enter. I think you should read a professional journal article by using Google Scholar, and this will enable you to write real ideas about your chosen field. Tell them your intentions. Learn about recent research topics in your chosen field, and see what related research is being done at this school! :-)

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "to become a Physical Therapist" - admissions to university of IL- professional goals [4]

This does not really work:
One of my professional goals is XXX ------> with the goal of...
Intention: One of my professional goals is to become a Physical Therapist, specializing in sports medicine, with the intention of...

The essay gives me the impression that you like sports a lot but that you should broaden your range of experiences before deciding on PT. If you have already been exposed to some possible alternatives, such as sports psychology, then it might be a good idea to let the reader know you have looked into several alternatives and that you are determined to excel in PT.

Also, put a period at the end of the first and last paragraph.
:-)

Undergraduate / "my first solo trip to China; I didn't care" - Common App [3]

What happened to the essay? Did it get deleted somehow?

Do this: had (verb)ed twenty years ago earlier
Last summer I took my first solo trip to China. Most summers I would return with my parents to visit the relatives they had left behind over twenty years earlier, but this year...

This is good writing---->To be honest, I wasn't all that thrilled; the way I saw it, the four weeks I'd spend at the university were infringing on precious time away from my parents' overbearing attentions, but I didn't really have anything else to do. And so I showed up on the first day, unenthusiastic and anxious for the last day to roll around. And On the last day, I showed up with my entire life turned upside down.

:-)

Research Papers / "Having an autistic child in a family" - technical report help [3]


Then don't do it! Every time you see her make a correction for your writing, it is an opportunity to move a little closer to being


The trick is to practice speaking and typing the phrase correctly 10 times. Just put in the time, and you'll soon be the best!

This report provides an overview information of the causes of autism and

It is four times more dominate prevalent in boys than girls.

Here is an example of a sentence to practice SPEAKING and TYPING 10 times:
There is are about 1.5 million children and adults in America who has have autism.
Put in that practice time! Type this sentence 10 times. :-)

Having an autistic child in the family can have a huge impact on family relationships and the siblings sibling who has ...

Siblings have to...
A sibling has to...
She has to...
I have to ...
He has to....
The rule is strange, but you can practice until you know the correct way.

:-)

deal with this problem every day.--- 2 words, every day.

It will also discuss on the financial hardships and how difficult it is to maintain a treatment, as well as the major adjustments that needs need to be done for the family.

An adjustment needs to be made. ---- singular
Two adjustments need to be made.---plural

Undergraduate / the opportunities + business program -Why I'm interested in The Ohio State University [3]


Not helpful. Don't tell them choosing a college is important, and don't tell them that you think Ohio state will help you be successful. That is called "wasting sentences."

the spirit that each student possesses for the university. --- this is not so good, either, because every student is different... Unless you have some good examples to back this up, it does not mean much. This is something you see at any school:

Whether it be walking around the campus decked out in their Ohio State gear, or jumping around in the Horseshoe when the football team is playing "that school up north," Michigan.---Also, this is an incomplete sentence.

I believe that I will have this opportunity from the skills that I will obtain in college.-- this is the third time to asserted that you think you'll get opportunities by going there.

Sorry to be critical, Jacob! But this essay needs to be rewritten, and it needs to be ABOUT something. It needs to be about your interests... articles you have recently read about entrepreneurship, for example. You did not even specify what kind of business you would like to start. I think you need to do some reading and mindmapping, and then write an inspired essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Volunteering the Variety Club Summer Camp and Children's Chorus - common app [3]

Hi Katie, don't worry about the 48/100. The criteria for an impressive essay really depends on the AO reader's way of perceiving it.

This is very impressive: I was shocked because Emma is "one of us."

... and now she gets to brag about skipping the roller coaster lines at six flags theme park.--- again, this is good writing.

Despite the fact that we .... pure enjoyment I got from spending time with some of my closest friends, all of whom had more joy in life and showed more courage th an anyone I know who doesn't have a handicap. ---- This sentence is so long!! I made some small corrections, but please simplify. And sometimes it is better to leave out an unnecessary detail if it will make the sentence more concise and rhythmic.

Too much of the word "when" ---> It really hit me that life should be cherished when we lost Gracie to cancer; she was only eight years old. The entire chorus grieved as we mourned the loss of Gracie, the loss of a family member.

This essay is very good... I hope you know that this is a great accomplishment, because art is all about capturing an experience or emotion and conveying it to others -- and that is what you did well here.

Undergraduate / "The unconscious" 300 words--My Kenyon supplement essay [5]

You don't emerge; the symptoms emerged. You can exhibit the symptoms, but you do not emerge them. Emerging is not something someone can do to something.

Inevitably, I exhibited/manifested some symptoms of mental disorders as I grew up.

Unconscious, subconscious... I think I do remember reading that unconscious is the preferred term in the field of psych, but both terms give us insight into what it is.

Hey, check out the work of Milton Erickson, too!

If you mention collective unconscious, you need to add a sentence to show that you know what it means.

Somewhere in the essay, answer their question directly by saying that the unconscious mind is the human trait is most significant to you. :-)

Undergraduate / "GPA of 4.0; AP English" - Achieving My Academic Goal (personal quality, talent) [2]


This part of the prompt refers to what you plan to do in college. I think you can explain about the grades in a single paragraph, and it is possible to add a whole new dimension to this essay.

Condense this into one paragraph, and then write a paragraph about your interests and intentions. Then, go back and precede both of those paragraphs with an intro paragraph that suggests a main theme for the whole essay. :-)

Hey, your academic ambition is impressive!! But it is only useful if you have a clear vision for the future.

Undergraduate / Running Cross-Country - Extracurriculars Essay [150 words or less] [5]

It wasn't until the summer before my junior year that I decided to sign myself up for Cross-Country. I was a late bloomer in the world of runners, and despite coming off many years of sprinting down the soccer field (no comma necessary here) I was wholly unprepared for seven-mile runs and steep hills.

I worked hard that year, quickly learning that the effort I put in was almost always equivalent to the quality of the outcome. ---I think you can come up with a better insight to share here. We all know that effort influences outcome.

Wow, I don't think I have ever seen this word in writing! ---> Unbeknownst --Atually, isn't it supposed to be unbeknown?

My coach later told me that I embodied the values necessary in a captain, and he was pleased to have me as a leader.---If you don't like this sentence, you can replace it with anything you like. How about giving a sentence that reminds the reader how this kind of discipline will help you in your chosen field or how this experience influenced your decision about what to study.

:-)

Undergraduate / Macalester Supplement: "Mac & Me" -- I might have had too much fun with this. [3]

As an aspiring journalist, Mac wasn't------When you construct a sentence this way, the subject of the phrase that begins it is the one associated with the action that follows. Ha ha, I don't know how to explain what I mean, but it should be like this:

As an aspiring journalist, I did not place Mac very high on ...

It lacks a journalism major, I thought, I was under the impression that it lacked...

When you do this kind of thing, capitalize:
The phrase "The world is your playground" has ...

I expect a lot of myself, and I put 110 percent into everything I do.----this kind of claim does not help. Anyone can make a cliched claim. You should PROVE it by adding a few paragraphs to discuss your specific objectives and intentions, based on what is going on in the field of journalism, and what you intend to do with your career. Show that you are already learning about "journalistic integrity" and current events... prove that you are able to do solid work, that you are already knowledgeable about the field you are entering.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the Bronx Borough Champs race" - Extracurricular Acitivites Essay for Common App [5]

I was unexpectedly nervous as I walked to school the morning of October 26, 2009. Today the list of-----You jumped from past tense to present tense.
You can do this:
I was unexpectedly nervous as I walked to school the morning of October 26, 2009. That day, the list of...

You did not name the sport, so the reader must wonder... seven varsity (cross country?) girls...

breathe breath (breathe is the verb).

So... what lesson did you learn? What wisdom do you have now that you did not previously have?

:-)

Undergraduate / Better to Tell the Truth than to Lie + My Parents and Art: UC Essays [5]

Sounds like a great plan! I think it is too general, though... a great exercise will be to establish your 5 most important goals for the next 2 years. Try that! See how it changes your essay and how it changes your daily life. I bet you could even think of 10 goals that will put you closer to that main objective, but a list of things to do that is too long can be overwhelming. Try setting 5 short term goals. :-)

Undergraduate / "Business Professionals of America" - Common App Short Response help- BPA [2]

It's a great idea for a response.

But this sentence needs some help:
I remember thinking to myself at first, "Who would want to be in Business Professionals of America? It sounds so tedious."

How wrong I was! --- good energy

This great club has offered me countless opportunities to put my passion for business and technology into practice.
Great job... how about making one more connection between this and your chosen field? :-)

Undergraduate / Community, Judaism and Leadership - why are you interested in OSU? [2]

That's why I want to go to a place where the family-like feel and abundance of opportunities mirrors that of my hometown.----hmmm... I'm not sure what you mean. You are ready for the next stage, and I think that means you want to enter into a new environment with more diversity, but you want to go to this school that has a certain quality that reminds you of your home town? Is that what you mean? Give another sentence in the first paragraph to explain this idea...

Through the years, Judaism has become an integral part of who I am. --- what has this got to do with the town? Give a thesis sentence at the end of that first paragraph, and make it a sentence that mentions Judaism and any other topics covered in the essay... or make it a sentence that expresses an idea that is related to both the town and Judaism.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My First Band Experience" - Vires, Artes, Mores, FSU Essay [2]

Crafting my artistic ability can by define can be defined as interpreting my skill and incorporating it into my own style. ------- no, the phrase 'crafting my artistic ability' cannot be defined. Only define words. Explain a phrase:

Crafting my artistic ability can by explained as a process of interpreting my skill and incorporating it into my own style.
This is a better sentence, but it does not really make sense. In fact, "Crafting your ability" does not really make sense. "Interpreting my skill" does not make sense. I think you need to simplify this idea you are trying to express.

Learning music has assisted into crafting my intellectual pursuits skillfully, crafty, and artistically.

I think you should cut out the whole first paragraph.
Capitalize Internet

It would be great to start with this sentence:
Two weeks before the first day of a new school, I had my...

Talk about your intentions as a musician at this school you are planning to attend. Do not be so abstract when you discuss your understanding of artes. Express a specific idea at the end of the first paragraph, an idea that you hope will linger in the reader's mind.

:-)

Graduate / Applying or Master of Fine Arts ( Visual arts). How to write SOP? [3]

Yeah, an outline is a good idea, for sure. But there is something I think is even more important: a message to the reader.

The reader obviously cannot remember every sentence of your sop, so you have to think of what sentence you want them to remember... a theme you want them to remember. And what should it be? A notion that makes them feel that you deserve a chance to be in this program. If you expound a detailed plan (i.e. based on your PURPOSE) the reader will feel that you have a strong intention about this field and that you should be let into the program.

:-)

Undergraduate / fit essay for fashion merchandising fall 2010 [5]

The most influential fashion designer in the world, who said this quote, which these words, was Coco Chanel.

My fashion obsession all started as soon as I came out of the womb.---- When you write this sentence, it has nothing to do with the previous sentence. It's called "non sequetor" I think... "does not follow." It is better to give another sentence about the quote and then make a thesis statement. Begin para #2 with the sentence about your obsession starting after you came out of the womb.

I can clearly remember the days when i was as young as two years old getting ready for pre-school. ---hard to believe.

Spelling: oppurtunity to visit on eof the..

By watching "The Rachel Zoe Project," she has I have (i.e. "by watching, I have..." not "by watching, she has...")

Spelling: recieved

I think you should read some research studies related to the kind of fashion you like and show them that you are keeping up with scholarly literature about it. And it will be great if you set a few goals for yourself for these next few years, and expound them.

:-)

Speeches / "Give the speech that you never had a chance to give." - Common App Essay [2]

Looks like something to capitalize:
Martin Family Farm.

Located in Penn Yan, New York, Camp is a microcosm in itself. ---- if you use the word microcosm, it is important to explain in what way it is a microcosm. I don't think you really did that.

...the conveniences to w hich you all have become so akin.

I would participate but bring nothing to the table. I would speak in Shabbat services but never say anything truly insightful. ----- This is very good writing.

Use a comma when you write a compound sentence: I chose this path, and it made all the difference.
Lose loose
Great ending, too... My biggest criticism is that the content at the beginning and end of the essay describing the camp is a little long and boring... after the first sentence telling what it is all about, the reader can easily understand the kind of retreat you are talking about. No technology, returning to naturalness. I think you included too many sentences about it, and the word "you" gets repetitive. But the writing is excellent! I just suggest cutting out some unnecessary sentences.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "brutal force by the army and police service" - Essay about Christmas [2]

Use a comma instead of a semi-colon:
refurnishing of one's home, while the ...

I feel like that first paragraph should have a thesis statement added to the end of it.

Let's take out the semi-colon below, too; use a semi-colon just like a period, but use it when the subsequent sentence is closely related to the sentence ending in the semi-colon:

alcohol intake, eventually leading to lost in lives.

Well, you write very well, and I think you gave great examples, but I hope you will make the intro and conclusion longer. It is a matter of self-respect. You share YOUR insights in the intro and conclusion, and they are worth writing a few sentences about. What are your insightful ideas?

:-)

Essays / Global Undergraduate Exchange Program, how to start this essay? [12]

It is interesting because of the interesting life you have had.

For making it interesting, the first and last sentence of every paragraph are most important.

Use lots of "action verbs" and "imagery words" (Google these terms if you do not know what they mean).

It will be great if the essay can have a memorable theme, a phrase that you use at the beginning and also the end to express your main idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Racism and it's effect on my human identity" - Common App Essay- Personal Experience [5]

It was my fault that in 3rd grade, Ciera's oldest brother died during the collapse of the World Trade Centers.----I would revise this way, and actually I would not use "collapse," because it seems to downplay what really happened, which was an attack.

never able to completely power-wash the graffiti of "Go home, Terrorists" off of our garage door.----excellent writing here... very powerful, as Sandy said.

I felt sad that they didn't know the difference between Hindus and Muslims, but I felt even worse that they couldn't comprehend that not all Muslims are extremists. ---Another great sentence here.

Excellent conclusion, and thanks for teaching me the word hybridization. :-)

Undergraduate / "rock balance"-my common app main essay [4]

Well, the way that comes to mind for me.. and this is surely not the only way... is to turn the piano theme into a metaphor that reflects a universal life principle... a life lesson that will be relevant to your chosen field of study.

I mean, this is really all about your entrance into college, which is all about your entrance int a professional field. So... make it so that you share with the reader the connection between this experience and your current agenda/intention.

Take out some unnecessary sentences to make room for another paragraph of reflection near the end. Add a sentence to the intro paragraph to hint to the reader that this experience with piano has implications for your livelihood and life's aspirations.

:-)

Undergraduate / KAY Club. Making a Difference. -- Common App Short Answer [4]


If this is your theme, and you write so well, I think you will probably be sharing your insight with EssayForum writers whose essays appear on the unanswered list?? :-) I am struggling to make sure everyone gets responses.

Spoken by Winston Churchill, these words are my inspiration. Service has always been a major part of my life, and I enjoy it.

KAY is a student association unique to Kansas. The state proudly offers this activity to students, through its member schools, as a means intended to "make a world of difference" for all. (add specific examples/anecdotes here) Through KAY, I have learned to... and I really like this last sentence.

Undergraduate / "Basketball - flowing, floating, gliding." - Common App Essay- Topic of My Choice [5]

I think it's okay, and your description really draws me into that world. You have to think about your purpose, though. What can be the purposes you fulfill with the essay? One is to show how well you can write and reflect, and you did. Another is to show how focused you are on achieving the goal that you are to achieve with your education... your specific plan.

Theoretically, your strong focus on a well-conceived plan for the future will be reflected in what you right, just as it is reflected in your moment to moment thoughts. The writing here is something I really enjoy, and to make it better get focused on a theme that is somehow associated with the chosen field.

Writing Feedback / Responsibility for the products safety: CLEP English composition practice essay [3]

Hi Leah, when you have a time limit, it is good to look at the prompt and come up with several main ideas. Write each as an interesting, rhythmic sentence, and let each become the topic sentence of a body paragraph.

Then spend a few minutes adding explanation sentences and example sentences so that each sentence grows into a whole body paragraph.

The, go back and write a brilliant intro based on the body paragraphs. Finally, write a conclusion. That'll get you through it faster than trying to start by writing the intro paragraph. You cannot introduce what does not yet exist.

Consumer concerns regarding the safety of products they purchase and use is a very hot topic.--- this kind of obvious sentence should not be included in the essay.

Whether or not the industry, government, or consumers, should bear the brunt of the responsibility when determining the safety of products is a complicated and multifaceted discussion. ---It is not a question of whether or not.

At the end of your first paragraph, give a clear, no nonsense answer to the question.

:-)

Research Papers / Political Science Paper on Teachers Evaluation, hiring and training in Illinois [2]

... are very important when it comes to determining the quality of schooling that our students receive.

You have strong MLA here...

Training of prospective teachers is regarded as a very important procedure filled with specific curriculum curricula and required tests that are authorized by state as well as federal governments.

Do this: "each----> seem seems"
Each of these expected criteria of a teacher seems to be very accurate of how teachers would be hired.

Use a comma for every compound sentence:
The evaluation of teachers in Illinois is very important, because it

Use the comma before quotes stuff:
The text Educational Psychology claims that some "teacher who meet the standards for national teacher certification earn bonus pay," (Woolfolk 528).

:-)

Writing Feedback / "About my flight and hijackers" - Improving on my narrative essay for O levels [3]


Well you did indeed show good use of language... very impressive.

You write very well. I guess you already took your exams, because it took a long time for me to get to this, but I can't see how you could have reason for nervousness. This essay is impressive, a work of narrative art. If you want to make it even better add more "imagery words" and action verbs.

Undergraduate / Drama Design: Carnegie Mellon Supp Esssay: Why I Chose This? [3]

I don't think moment is the right word. "Milestone" might be the right word here.
I believe that this time of the year is the major moment milestone...

"to be" ---"for"---> However now as a senior, I deeply consider this university to be a place for achieving my goal.

Try to get this down to 300 words. You can improve it by condensing it. Cut the weakest players from the team. :-)

Undergraduate / INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY AND JOB TRENDS (computer and internet) [2]

This era is named the "information technology age" and no anyone can deny the importance of this technology.

I'll make a lot of changes below:
In this article we will discuss it in different view; our focus will be directed toward various kinds of jobs which were important in recent past, but which will soon become nonexistent because they can be achieved through the use of enhanced technology.

Here is another one to practice:
Everyone knows telephone operators cannot compete against automated answering machines and robotic solutions which are giving people fast and always-available responses -- which are much less expensive than human operators.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Dash American term" - Common App Personal Essay [5]

This needs a conjunction:
Because my dad is a US soldier, so our family had to abruptly leave behind our identity as Asian and move to Maryland.


:-)

I like this: Pondering about the places I've visited and people I've met always makes me feel like a chameleon.

The whole thing is well written.

Undergraduate / "philosophy of embracement" - Common App Main: 40,000 Feet High [2]


Great sentence

By accept she meant that despite the obvious discomfort that my TS caused her she was not going to try and stop me like so many other people had.-----Reading this, I did not get a sense that she acted uncomfortable. Maybe this sentence is not phrased correctly?

Hey, I am pretty sure that the sipping of water served as your meditation. Check this out:
mindfulnessnyc.org/index_files/DailyPractice.HTML

Writing Feedback / Regret (the graffiti walls in the cell) - manslaughter essay [4]


What are you worried about? This is high quality writing. Is it based on a film or book, or is it something you came up with? I enjoyed it, and the only correction that seems necessary is here:

awaiting for my ---- no need for "for"

One other thing... this part might not be phrased correctly: Her death caused my life to turn topsy-turvy.----- it makes it so that the narrator is feeling like a victim instead of feeling real regret.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my eclectic personality" - Stanford Roommate Supplement Essay [4]



You are a comedy writer! Excellent, I hope you check out EssayForum Contributor Page.

Well, this is great for showing the reader your wit and intelligence, but you also have the opportunity to show how focused you are on your chosen field. That is really most important. Mention topics associated with your career of interest, as though you canot help but talk about it because you are so focused on your plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Most appealing about Columbia and why"<1500 character-columbia supp. [5]

Please do believe me when I say my world was...

At the age of 16, I was forced to choose between academic and piano profession. --- what forced you to choose? I'm not sure I understand.

I agree with Gnu: the end should have clear examples of goals you can achieve while studying there.
- What do you hope to accomplish in these next few years?
- Can you accomplish any of these goals using resources on campus?
- Can you accomplish any as part of a program offered by the school?