Undergraduate / My Experience at the Airport - UF Admission Essay [5]


Nice!!

End this sentence:
I put on a smile. "Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?"
See what I mean?

Run on sentence:
It is his first time at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport (FLL), he has no idea where Terminal 1 is, much less how to get there, he's frustrated, he's hungry, and he's looking to me with for help. The pressure is on.----Oh!! I was wrong! It is not a run on sentence... but it is a big fat long one.

How about this:
It is his first time at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport (FLL), so he has no idea where Terminal 1 is, much less how to get there. He's frustrated, he's hungry, and he's looking to me with for help. The pressure is on.

When you quote someone, capitalize the first word of their sentence:
Not every situation was as easy as, "Excuse me miss, where are the bathrooms located?".<-----Also, this period right here is unnecessary. The question mark ends the sentence, so the period is unnecessary. And look at how I added a comma before the quotation.

Like this:
Did Kevin say, "Add a comma before the quotation?" and I said, "Yes, he did."

Writing Feedback / media is responsible to create violence in young are u agree or disagree? [5]

Nowadays, most people think that media is responsible for creating violence in young people due to the fact that they are raised in our society and exposed to various unhelpful media.

But I totally disagree with this b/c of some reason that I will highlight below.

First, the media is a very fast electronic invention that updates you about whatever is happening in the world and also things that are occurring in our society and gives the real picture.

It telecasts news, about science and technology, about education research, and it also gives information about each and every part of life.

This is a good sentence:
in my view,media is not responsible for this.
But why don't you capitalize the first letter of every sentence? Capitalize the first letter of every sentence! :-)

PLEASE Look at the sentences above, and find 5 changes that I made. Can you notice them and list them in your next post in this thread?

I hope you practice writing each sentence correctly 10 times! That will help you prepare. Here is another one:

Secondly governments should keep strict rules for those who attempt any violent activity and give them punishment that will act as a lesson to teach them not to be involved in these activities. Otherwise, they will go to prison.

Practice typing every correct sentence 10 times!

:-) Good luck on the ielts, friend!

Undergraduate / The Graham Cracker (a topic of your own): Commonapp essay [7]

Look at the verb tense, here:
I saw the boiling nitrogen flew out of the box, spilled on the carpet; the nitrogen clouds wreathed around his hand.
See the ones that do not belong?
I saw it fly and spill. --- saw is past tense, but then you have to use present tense for fly and spill.
I saw the boiling nitrogen fly out of the box and spill on the carpet; the nitrogen clouds wreathed around his hand.
Or you can do this:
The boiling nitrogen flew out of the box and spilled on the carpet; the nitrogen clouds wreathed around his hand.

I really like a lot of sentences in the introduction to this essay, very cool...

Good use of the figure of speech called "simile"----> like a proud grandmother who just made the best chocolate cookies in the world.

However, all I really want to do is to open the orbit determination research paper I wrote last summer and point out how my amazing asteroid (4055 Magellan) has a semi-major axis about 0.98 AU, which is so close to earth's orbit but has managed not to hit earth in the past 30 million years.-----Search this sentence to find all the changes I made.

And I will turn around ask, him or her, "How could this be not interesting?"

:-)

Undergraduate / "dance; the applause after performances" - commonapp activities essay 150 words [4]

Should it be like this? ----> "Oh no, that hurts. I can't bear it!"

This sentence is a little too complex for my brain----> Hearing that, I gritted my teeth in order not to cry as my dance classmate did when we were training basic skills.

I knew that crying would not

Capitalize China

Maybe it should be like this:
classic Chinese dance for more than...---- does that seem right?

Although sometimes I got frustrations in dancing, I always stayed optimistic when facin g problems.

Nice ending!
But it is not a complete sentence, so do this:
Because When I received the applause after performances, I thought all the efforts were not in vain.

Usually, it is not good to start a sentence with "because." Only use because to start a sentence this way:
Because I received applause, I felt happy.
Because it was raining, we went for a walk.

Undergraduate / "How football in high school was an experience for me" - UF Admissions Essay 2010 [2]

Everyone was drenched in sweat, and that was prior to the start of practice during warmups. never the less . I don't think nevertheless fits here...

This was a typical occurrence to the beginning of practice. Joining the football team freshman year was expediently the greatest thing I did in high school. Consequently, I played for three years and cherished every day of it. Playing football taught me several lessons and instilled numerous values into me.

A majority of personal growth occurred in the conditioning drills and practice sessions.----well, what do you mean here. A majority of ALL your personal growth occurred during drills and sessions? I don't think that seems right.

Okay, but anyway, this is very high quality writing! You did great with it, but conceptually it is simplistic. I learned a lot from football, and I also volunteered. It is simple. So... try this:

I think you should make a list of all the ideas covered in the essay.

Look at the list, and see if any inspired sentences come to mind to express any of the ideas. Remember, "Show, don't tell." Use action verbs and imagery words. See if you can write some sentences that might surprise the reader. And maybe you will think of a great way to express a deep insight you gained from either helping others or playing football.

Undergraduate / To Fly like a Bird, my accomplishments and about myself [3]


This will capture the reader better if you say what kind.

I would most definitely not be a peacock.---Oh, alright, I guess it is cool that you made us wait and told us later. Well... do peacocks even fly?

I thought they just strutted.

Oh... you said you would NOT be a peacock. I misread it the first time, ha ha, alright, cool, because I was wondering why you wanted to be a stupid peacock.

Okay, I think you should cut that ending right out. This part is too cliche: I am flying higher and higher, pushing myself to go further and further. Determined not to stop . I will succeed. There is no turning back now. That is the way it has always been. I have always been an extremely determined person

And then randomly mentioning flag football at the end is not good either.

But I really like all the discussion of birds. I think you need to revise this to really include accomplishments and interests, and especially your intentions for the next few years. I hope you can revise the bird part so that it is like a metaphor about your career intentions or college intentions.

Undergraduate / "The Art of Argument" - My struggle with the Common App Essay [3]

There is, however, one myth that I must dispel before I continue, and this is the idea that truth has an intrinsic value. This is simply not true in an increasingly relativistic world that bears witness to the death of the absolute.----> You have some great sentences...

I think this would be an improvement:
Today concepts such as right and wrong, justice and injustice carry little meaning unless in context. with one another .
or
Today concepts such as right and wrong, justice and injustice carry little meaning unless in relation to one another.

The mental battlefield for argument is and will always be founded on the bedrock of Logic and Reason. ------you forgot one requirement: interest (i.e. inclination to care enough to argue!)

For after all is not Reason above all else man? ----I'm not sure if this is clear enough.

- This is only half of the essay so far but I want to dedicate the last 300 or so words to making it personal.---Okay, but you have to also make sure it is ALL about ONE MAIN THEME. How can you make it about you while retaining your theme? Make it about your career intentions and especially about your intentions for what you will accomplish as a student at this school. Make it so that this whole discussion arises from reflection on your chosen field.

I have gathered that it should be around 500-600 wds ------ This is what I gather, too. But every school is different, so you really should call the admissions office and just ask. And if they don't want to get a lot of phone calls they should make it clear on their website! But anyway, why not just call?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Dou agree with keeping traditional skills alive? [6]


This is a good idea, because that way we can talk about other things instead of spelling. Actually, there are online spell checkers:

spellcheck.net/speller/

You need an s in this word:
fascinated

Here's what irrational is talking about, I think:
...and many people have been fascinated by this trend.

I think you should list them in this thesis statement:
This essay will examine three aspects of advantages of preserving the traditional skills and customs: ______, _______, and _________.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "a room in the Woodbridge Mental Institute" - The most enjoyable moment [2]


Capitalize that i, lazy! :-)

I punc hed him as though he ...

Put a space after every period:
...was a punching bag. I could no longer comprehend anything, neither my actions nor their impact. All I knew that i needed to have those precious tablets, and this demon was preventing me from reaching them.

I think this should be submitted to Mentos and other companies that make "tablets," and maybe they will pay you for the right to make it into a commercial.

Thanks for making my day a little better.

Research Papers / Trouble finding research paper(s) legitimisation of Al Qaeda as a result of US..... [4]


Well, I like the art of Web research... so I was actually just searching for some good articles... I know I read a good article about GAME THEORY and TERRORISM once, and I think it would be perfect for this, but I just can't remember the name of it! :-)

Anyway, sometimes it is nice to collaborate about research strategies in addition to writing.

Research Papers / Trouble finding research paper(s) legitimisation of Al Qaeda as a result of US..... [4]

Well the symbiotic relationship is between them and the MEDIA, right, so you have to have a source that tells you about how military action affects the relationship of media to al qaeda...

Well, I guess what you need to do is show that U.S. military action creates anti-American sentiment, right?

Try this article: Insuring Terrorism, Assuring Subjects, Ensuring Normality: The Politics of Risk after 9/11 by Claudia Aradau, Rens Van Munster

Undergraduate / About working in partnership with others--Kenyon supplement essay [3]

Just like in debate, take out unnecessary, distracting details:
But a few minutes later, my teammate sitting next to me was attacked by our opponents for she had an obvious loophole in her previous statement.

If it starts a sentence, write the word instead of the number:
20 Twenty minutes slipped away fast. Luckily, our opponents used up their time before us, and we got ...

Capitalize: internet Internet addiction is an individual issue rather than a social issue, " to To restate our position and perfect our performance.

I learned that you don't necessarily need to be the main force in a team. Leading the team and controling the situations can also attribute to your group.---I don't think the essay shows this. The essay shows that you were a good leader and that you have great experience with debate. I think you should revise this so that the whole story is used as evidence to support an assertion about why you are ready to be a top performer in your chosen field.

My idea for you:
End the first paragraph with a statement about how you are well-prepared to enter the field of XXXX, because your debate experience gave you insight into leadership.

Then, the essay will show how well you can manage a debate situation, and you can make connections to your chosen career.

Then, in the conclusion, just like in debate, restate your position: I recognize my talents for debate and leadership, and these talents are especially important in my chosen field where I will have to _____________.

Writing Feedback / International effort in solving Enviromental problems - My final try before IELTS [2]

Let's put that first sentence together with the paragraph that follows it so that it all becomes one paragraph.

This is very well written!! You have great mastery of language. This is great--->The most likely one is that differing attitudes and approaches in countries could possibly lead to inefficiency in solving these problems.

Your sentences are straightforward and agile. :-)

I see that Dumi gave a god suggestion, but I also think this way of writing it would be okay: Problems such as freshwater crisis, ozone depletion and acceleration of species extinction have negative impacts on most countries.-----Dumi's way is more detailed, but your way is not incorrect.

Undergraduate / "Being a Mother." - world you come from (family, community, school) [7]

I am the mother of two children - not literally. of course. I mean I have two siblings of whom I play the role of a mother. ----It's better not to say of course, because some people your age are indeed mothers.

It was a tiring job; I admit it.

I take pleasure of being accommodating, committed to helping others, and able to sympathize with others. ---- This is very nicely written.

The ending is great, too. But I have a challenge for you. Try compounding the them by adding a paragraph about the way your strength as a maternal figure is going to help you be a top performer in your chosen professional field. I want a paragraph about the profession you are entering! It will be relevant to the essay if you talk about how these experiences prepare you for it.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Activity: "Eagle Scout Project" (editing, suggestions...) [3]


I think this phrase should be replaced by "and also." There is no reason to suppose that a beneficial influence would not last a long time, so don't talk about it as though it is somehow unlikely that you could do something of lasting benefit. I think "and also" works just fine...

Oh, I like the end! alright, how about if we get rid of the sentence at the beginning that I don't like:
For my Boy Scout Eagle Project, I wanted to do something that would positively benefit the entire community, but at the same time have a lasting impact afterwards. Working worked with the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department at Industry Station to initiate a Community Awareness Program. for my community.

:-)

Then, at the end of the essay you will not be repeating yourself about wanting to have a lasting benefit, etc.
I like the ending a lot...

Undergraduate / "my singing career with my father" - Reflect on a challenge you overcame [5]

That first one might be easiest. I say that because I think your goal should be to show them how strong your motivation is to enter a particular field. So I think it is good to write about what is important to you and how it affects your (very detailed) plan for your professional future and ESPECIALLY for the way you'll use your time (proactively, I hope) at this school.

Book Reports / Oedipus Rex was a kind heart-ed soul / Thesis help [5]

Well, we can edit a little!

Oedipus Rex was a kind hearted soul who was in search of the truth about the death of the late King Liaos, but the truth he revealed was more than he could handle.

This is a good start... intriguing!

Now make 3 more cool statements, and let each of them become the first sentence for each of your 3 body paragraphs. Then, write a great thesis statement that threads them all together, and put the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my passion for cooking" - uc prompt 2 ( personal quality) [9]


If you don't know what to write next you are doing it wrong. You should not try to write when you have nothing to say, or it will have no inspiration.

People do this all the time... they know they have to write an essay so they just try to start writing without getting inspired.

When you are inspired, you will be asking, "How can I shorten this essay? I wrote too much!"

Okay, but actually I have another suggestion to add to what dumi said.

First, a correction:
Over the years, I became familiarize familiar (you should have written familiarized, but actually it is better to just write familiar)with cooking and the culture I came from. My mother showed me everything on how to cook. She was the teacher, and I was her student.

Suggestion: balance the stuff about learning from mother with some discussion of scholarly journal articles about culinary art. Cite at least 2 recent articles from professional journals about cooking.

:-)

Research Papers / Pearl Harbor:Did FDR know in advance about the attack? [3]

Yep, and you might be starting with the thesis statement when it is not yet possible to write one.
I hope you read one article and write one paragraph about it. The, do that for just one more article. 2 articles, 2 paragraphs, and you will suddenly see the main argument you need to make.

But if you try to start by writing a thesis statement, it is the same as if you go onto the stage and try to introduce my act. You don't even know what my act is, so how can you introduce it?! Always write introductions last.

Undergraduate / Marketing Management / Advertising - "I felt out of place" (event, experience) [4]

...As I was walking walked through the hall I realized ...

pas pass

Yes, the first para takes a long time to get to the point! And it culminated with a cliche: Through mistakes we gain experience and knowledge.

My high school experience will greatly impact my performance in college. I have set academic goals for myself and I strive to achieve them in the next years to come. Do not tell us either of these. Simply get right into telling about those goals. No wasting sentences! :-)

In my childhood and pre-teen years I began to take Ballroom Dancing classes, and attended a modeling school in Baltimore.---- what does this have to do with anything? For a nice writing style, revise the first sentence of every body para so that it is written in a way that supports the thesis statement.

Seems like you have a theme of financial difficulty, learning from mistakes... but it is vague. Powerfully assert your main idea! What does it all add up to?

:-)

Also, what are the goals you mentioned?

Undergraduate / "Cross-country passion" - (significant event), Common App Essay [2]

I want to suggest a little change in the first para:
Bang! The starting gun went off. Hundreds of feet trampled over a grass field. Every face was set with determination. Everyone had a reason to leave it all on the course. In those first few seconds of the race, my memory flashed back on the beginning of my running career, and the setbacks I have faced in it. (Add a statement here that expresses the main idea of the essay)

Above, I crossed out a sentenced that seemed like one-too-many short sentences.

Read through this and look for what makes it unique. What makes it more than just an essay about the experience of running. Whatever that is, express it at the end of that first paragraph.

:-)

Book Reports / Thesis statement: position on a debatable topic on a literary work - Oedipus the King [2]


Well, that's good news, because we grownups are able to look at the art of composition with some life-perspective. We can see what an essay actually is.

This should be an expression of a meaningful idea. One essay = one big idea.

Each paragraph is a smaller idea that supports the big idea.

So... choose a statement that rings true to you but that not everyone would agree with. Imagine you say the statement to me and I say, "You can't be serious," and then you would say why it is true. Do that in a paragraph right now.

Just do it... do that one paragraph where you argue in favor of one of the statements (or against).

When you have that para, the rest of the essay will just all spill out. When you have that para, you will immediately know which statement you want to use as the less reasonable one. The trick to getting through this is taking the first little step.

*** Write the thesis statement only after you have written 2 body paragraphs.

Undergraduate / "caught in the porch by my dad, with my boyfriend" - my most embarrasing moment [7]


Great! I need a lot of help making sure everyone gets help.

Can you think of 3 or 4 new ideas you gained from making the corrections? I mean, did you learn anything you did not already know? I'm just curious...

Undergraduate / "A Scotch-Brite Life" - Common App Essay for Cornell [10]

I am, for all intents and purposes, a sponge. ----ha ha, I like it, but is the cliche necessary? How about this:

I am for all intents and purposes, a sponge -- not the permeable marine invertebrate, nor the deliciously elastic and open-textured cake, but the common household utensil, porous and absorbent, synthetic and bare. ----great job.

past tense is "misled." But do not be mislead misled; I am rather content with a sponge's existence, for the ...

If you start singular, keep it singular:
Inspect closely the operation of this household device, (This is singular) the sponge: sopping up any variety of messy, staining adulterants, the sponge digests heaps of what is placed before them it but never regurgitating quite the same...

I seriously am laughing aloud all the way through this. I can't see how anyone could possibly not be impressed. -----> Like my permeable companions, I operate in---->the epitome of routine domestic cleanup, ... I really appreciated this stuff.

Well my only important advice for you is to use paragraphs ... um... am I just unable to see them because of the way the essay appears here, or did you write a super long paragraph? Divide that into sections!! Great job...

Undergraduate / My Parents are Both Psychoanalysts. (Common Application Essay) [3]

To understand, to identify is something that comes from my parents and what they do. --- this sentence is unclear! :-)

My name's Emily and b Both of my parents are psychoanalysts. This is both a blessing and a curse.

My relationship with my parents is like that of an Oreo's cream filling to its two chocolate cookies. ----wow, great writing here. This is the good stuff.

But... but... you did not give adequate explanation for the analogy. Give more explanation! YOu can do it. :-)

I understand that doing something that makes me happy is best, but it does not help myself me get anything (important?) done.

This would make the relationship with my parents that of a double stuffed Oreo. ----nice, but I still think that prior to this you need to explain the oreo analogy in order to justify it in the first place.

...like being in an everlasting therapy session. -----ha ha ha, I love this essay, and I think the AO reader will, too.

Even though I am being closed in like cream in an Oreo, ----oh, now I see. Give a sentence to explain this soon after originally mentioning oreo.

I love my parents dearly. ---cliche!

... the cream needs to stand-alone.--- what a strange way to end an essay. I thought the creal always ended up being scraped off the cookie by someone's bottom teeth.

Undergraduate / Physics, astronomy, the magic sky - what's the purpose of my life? (activity) [6]

You can just use desert as an adjective:
Everyone knows desert nights are famous for their ...

No need to capitalize: skylight of Constellations constellations for hours.

The desert in Shahdad is an exceptional place, circles by characterized by hills of sand, and it rests far away from the busy city.

Capitalize the first word of the sentence: Seven years ago in a ...

Capitalize the proper noun (i.e. the name of the desert): Shahdad Desert

:-)

Undergraduate / "Enrolled in a ballet class" - Stanford roommate supplement! [7]


I think you should cut this sentence right out. It is confusing, and the essay is fine without it. :-)

I have created my own niche in society -- one fitted for independent women who can surprise the world at every unexpected corner. ---------------dash, not semi-colon. Google them to find out the way to use them.

This is pretty cool!

Essays / Thesis Statement -- Socrates in Plato's Apology [2]

Overall

ha ha, I like your 'things to talk about in the essay.'

Alright, sounds good. This is a specific thesis, and it is interesting. It will help if you do some detailed analysis of the text.

When you refute the counterarguments (I don't see a number for "refuting the counterargument" on the list of things to talk about), remember that we are discussing Socrates's words as they are written by Plato, who wrote in a particular way for particular reasons.

Do you have any journal articles by authors who support your argument?

:-)

Undergraduate / Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking.. [9]


hahahahaha


no.


yes.

See what I mean? They are right. It is indecision, because the time has come to choose a course of study. Don't worry, you can always change it or add to it. :-)

Let's not keep that stuff at the beginning about everything. Are you interested in fashion? Accounting? I didn't think so! :-)


Oh... this is really cool. Well, no! I still recommend killing it! Kill the intro, and kill this. They do not want to see cute poems; they want to see more about uniting your passion for chemistry with your interest in management science, astrophysics and product design. That should be your focus. Tell us what you want to do.

:-)

Undergraduate / My Family, the most important thing in my life - My First Thread [3]

They are my father, my mother, my brother, and me myself .

He always encourages me to live better, too.

He's really worthy valuable for me.

It is perfect. I just made some suggestions to maybe make it even better. It is already written with correct English, though!

Research Papers / Study of epistemology - what methods can be used? [7]

What a strange question! It sounds like one that must be based on a reading that you were assigned, so even if someone gives you the answer you will not know if it is the answer that corresponds to the reading.

Epistemology is quite a large subject. If your teacher sent you on a scavenger hunt to find an answer, google this: epistemology methods

:-)

Undergraduate / "studying finance" - Elaborating My Future [4]

Hi Jane the, your name is familiar because you are helping a lot of people lately, Thank you!


Well... fine, do this finance program for a few years, but I hope you also make time to study the subjects you become interested in from day to day... like Chinese Medicine. Maybe that is your real calling. :-)

With a career in finance, you can do the other things you want to do, too.

I believe, getting accepted at the University of Illinois would drive me leaps closer to achieve my goal. This sentence is a bad ending, because it is boring, but if you want to use it fix these:

I believe getting accepted to the University of Illinois would drive me leaps closer to achieving my goal.

Get specific!
:-)

Research Papers / How did the work of Georges Seurat come up in the beginning of the 19th century? [2]

Hi Talia, you have a nice name.

Imagine a bunch of professors are having a philosophical discussion about Georges-Pierre Seurat.
What would they say? Based on your reading, what do you think they might be talking about?

When you write a paper, you are contributing to such a discussion.

You should end your first paragraph with a thesis statement that says something about the life of Georges-Pierre Seurat that the other professors may not have ever considered. Say something interesting.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The City in a Cloud" - (topic of my choice) Common App Essay [5]


Let the reader know the specifics about what you want to do in college and in your career. Invest at least one or two more sentences in that.

Rain can also help give birth to a new existences; it provides plants with their food, acts as the ultimate cleanser of impurities, and is essential to humans and other life. --- when you have this at the end of the first paragraph, the reader does not know what to think... I think another sentence should be added to the end of the first paragraph -- a thesis statement that tells the real MESSAGE of the whole essay...

Then, at the end of that first para, the reader will say, "Cool, right on... I get it."

Hey, why did you capitalize Sometimes?

Oh!! I see. You are missing a period for that first sentence.

Undergraduate / Difficulty in writing details of each extracurricular activity [100 characters only?] [7]


No, but they should give you more room!!! But no, don't write, "see additional info."

Do this:
"Two projects with Amnesty International: Violation of Human rights in N.Korea and China"

Does that work?

I like danado's ideas, too.

Oh... I see. I think you should just list the 2 or 3 most important activities in the accomplishments section and use the other area for the rest.

But you do not have to write "See Additional information... etc"

However, what does 'the position held' exactly means?------ If you participated in a research project, the position held would be "researcher." If you were part of a swimming lessons organization, your position held might be "instructor." If you were a soccer referee, your position would be "referee."

A position is a job.

Undergraduate / "Working behind the front desk of a hospital" -Common APP Extracurricular [4]


That's a strange use of the verb "mess." I like it!

Apostrophe!
... look up patients' names, and walk people to their destinations.

A word is missing: It was not my right as a volunteer to judge that walked up to me by first impressions.

Incomplete sentence:
While other people are in a jolly good mood because their sister had a baby in the maternity ward and they need a number to order flowers.

Don't say "variety of different"
The hospital has a wide variety of different moods coming ...

Apostrophe!
It's a volunteer 's job to greet each and every one of the visitors positively.

:-D

Undergraduate / "my tutoring classes during high school" - Help with college application essay [3]

Alright Tamara, that first paragraph is boring and sort of monotone!! So, you are a smarty, a goodie goodie who likes to help other people with their work!! ha ha, well I can relate to that, and I'm glad you are here because we need a lot of people at EssayForum who help other students.

But look at how boring some of the sentences are:


You are a good student, so you might be too serious. If you look at your first 2 paragraphs, you might realize that you do not need to tell the reader everything about it... just tell the reader what she needs to know. Let her wonder.

Cut out some details, and say something unexpected... something bold.

This part is great: In a simple view I found out that people hate some subjects, like math, because of the complicated a problem could be for them. A deeper look ... because they did not understand the simpler ones. ----very impressive stuff, very specific and meaningful, worth my time to read.

I love the discussion about helping students with the basics as their foundation.

This is what I want you to add to the essay: silly phrases games

:-)

I would say that my tutoring classes during high school were successful. Some of my classmates increased their grades from an average 3 to a perfect 5 in math score to a complete and well done exam in chemistry and logic. ----- congratulations, very cool.

Undergraduate / Summer bridge program:"this is exactly what I need." [2]

Wow, I don't think it is good that she worked so much while fighting cancer. I think it's important to have plenty of fun when fighting cancer.

All this relates to the fact that she as has an associate degree and my unemployed father does not. ---- Nah!! Education is important, but I think your father absolutely can provide for a family. If you were older you would recognize what a mess the economy is, and you would recognize it as the source of trouble. If times weren't so weird, it would be fine to not have an associates and just go to night school part time to work toward it. But when you have kids, you do not think of your own education. Don't write things that will make your father feel bad. Everyone I know is struggling, and having kids to take care of must make the struggle much worse, ha ha... :-)

I know the importance of having a higher education .I have an interest in this program because it offers the exactly what I need to ....but lack the skill. -- this is all very general and vague. You write well, but I want to tell you there is something more that you have to do. You only get to write 7 or 8 sentences, so do not waste any. Write sentences that include colorful nouns and action verbs, and write sentences that make the reader familiar with a specific plan you are trying to carry out as you catch up with what has been going on in your chosen field.

Grammar, Usage / The usage of "whom", "also", parallelism" - Few Grammar Sentence Corrections [5]


Teachnically, it should not end in a preposition:
There was espicailly especially one woman of whom I became fond.

and it still needs another adjustment:
There was one woman of whom I became especially fond.

I think also should go after continued, but it will be even better this way:
Another reason I continued was that I knew my time would be making a difference for...

#3 is fine, no need for a change. You can support and communicate with anyone you like.
:-)

Undergraduate / Chinese-American + Helping others - as an incoming freshman for Fall 2011 [5]


Every day is 2 words when you use it this way.

Read Strunk and White, a must-read for all language people (i.e. like you and me). Strunk and White say you need a comma in a compound sentence, so do this:

languages to English, because it...

A little mixed up here:
And the best part is, I'll be able to speak to the person back in their language as well.
Do this:
And the best part is, I'll be able to speak back to the person in their language as well.

Alright, this is well written, but it's an example of an essay that I think needs to have the theme COMPOUNDED. That means I think you can add a secondary theme, and give it its own body paragraph. Make it something that supports the thesis statement, obviously. Add "something extra"... another dimension to the essay. You certainly have the ability to do it, so give it a try!

:-)