Undergraduate / About my choice of "Art"; Short answer - Written answers [3]

Don't capitalize It after the semi-colon.

Yet, my dedication is serious, and creating is my passion; it has always been this way, ever since I was a toddler.

I endlessly draw or write stories; mold characters or imagine situations. No matter what surface or material I craft on I need to give form to my ideas.

Art always had an important role in my life. Let's get rid of all this, because it is redundant and focuses too much on childhood. Talk about your current art projects and your intentions for your artistic work in college.

This is cool: I believe that creating is leaving a trace of our existence, detailing how we progressively change depending on our states of mind and becoming more complex with time.

Undergraduate / "Imagination is my playground" - College Application Essay ; Carnegie Mellon [3]

I think you should omit the first sentence. It is nice to start with that second sentence, which is more intriguing. The first sentence is a little cheesy.

As I grow old grew older, my dream grew flesh and matured.

is this too long to be an introduction?
Only the first paragraph is an introduction. Para #2 is getting into the body of the essay, and I like your reference to The Last Lecture.

or is it too personal?
No, it is rhythmic and interesting.

should i had to say in third-person?
What?

what should I say now...?
I think you should show them that you have been reading all about current developments in the field and that you have specific plans for how you will use specific resources in college. Show that you have a great idea about what you want to do.

:-)

Graduate / "petroleum engineer" - statment of purpose chemical engineer [3]

... has opened my eyes to one of the major word (world? I hate word problems! :-)

problems, for it has implemented created many obstacles. on it's way towards development, Experiencing this, my attention turned gradually towards petroleum engineering, and I grew to recognise their significant role they have on in determining developing our future .

Keep working!! I know it is difficult, but keep trying, and when we correct a sentence practice typing it the correct way ten times! You need to improve your English grammar, and you will in these next few years.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Accredited, strong Catholic university" - Why I want to attend St. Thomas University [10]


Maybe because it is not the only prestigious school. Discuss why it is better than other schools you could go to.

I will be so grateful and so honored to participate in all the wonderful classes that will be offered in this school.---- this is empty, insubstantial.

I knew I wanted to take part in helping the doctor or even becoming become an obstetrician myself.

I have confidence that graduating from this university will help me in making my dreams become a reality. --- again, this is empty of meaning. It is just a general affirmation.

Dreams mean nothing if you don't take proper action. ---- now THIS is a concept worth writing about. So tell me, why is it that this school is the proper course of action? Why not Saint John's University, for example?

"The only proper action I see now is attending St. Thomas, because the XXXXX Program will enable me to ____________. and working hard to achieve all of my goals .

Get specific! :-)

Undergraduate / The Turkish Community - Common Application [7]


You know, I did not even notice that you hadn't really talked about your place in the community. Well, just use those keywords somewhere in the essay: "my place in the Turkish community" --- turn that into a sentence. :-)

I guess it will be best if do a better job of describing your place in the community. So... at this point, it is best to paste it into a word document, and hit ENTER a bunch of times to divide the material up into the most important ideas. Add some new discussion of YOUR PLACE WITHIN a particular Turkish community, and then put it all back together. Dismantle the essay, add material, and put it back together.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Engineering, Marine" transfer - What do you plan to learn, how do you plan to use it [4]

I have recently finished an eight year tour as an infantryman in the United States Marine Corps.

I left the Marines with life experiences that made me a better man person (I suggest the term person because there is no need to complicate matters by involving gender), not merely seeking personal benefit but also seeking to b enefit those who have sacrificed.

The first para and the end of the second are very impressive, and I would not want you to change anything. I recommend The Body Electric by Becker, something you might be interested in. Reading the introduction, you'll find some reference to a phenomenon associated with the feeling of a raised spirit on the battlefield, and this raised spirit which enables warriors to do tremendous things in the heat of battle can help also in other parts of life, especially rehabilitation and overcoming injury/illness. It can be called "raising the spirit" (see the work of Dr. Yang Jwing-Ming about Qigong).

Essays / Usage of footnotes in college essay [4]

Yeah, also a lot of people are submitting essays online these days, so footnotes might not appear correctly.

I think you SHOULD be able to use them if you want to, because they exist for a reason. Yet, it is a weird phenomenon when people read a lot of essays and try to compare them. If one is different in such a dramatic way, the reader might become biased against it while trying to keep a neutral point of view.

You know what... I think you should avoid it. Let's see an example of what you mean! :-)

Graduate / "solar technology in Pakistan" - SOP for MS in electrical engineering [7]

You did very well with this! Here is a tip: use a comma to separate the 2 parts of a compound sentence:
The experiment was halted, and I was sad to...

This is how I suggest managing this sentence:
While going through these materials, the latest research in this field, especially relating to the creation and development of more efficient solar cells, captured my interest, and eventually getting a graduate degree in the field seemed the obvious choice.

... was the exact synopsis of what I wished to do.--- right here i think you need a bit of explanation. Just another sentence or two before ending the paragraph.

Although I really enjoy my job yet the thirst for research remains unfulfilled in a corporate environment.
(If you end the paragraph with this mention of lack of fulfillment in a corporate environment, begin the next paragraph with one of those key words -- i.e. fulfillment or corporate.) For example:

Because I am so excited about finding such fulfillment, I am sure my drive and ambition will...

Anyway, all these ideas are minor. This is a great sop.

Undergraduate / Peking University Model United Nations - Brown "Intellectual experience" MUN [3]


Here is a great opportunity to give you and anyone else who reads this a useful writing tip. Get rid of that.
Finally when a representative said in formal debate, that "I think its universal ...
See what I mean? Kevin said that , "It is often good to get rid of the word that."

Soon, I wished I had two more mouths on my five feet three body to explain our points.----- too much detail, confusing.

Finally when a representative said in formal debate, that "I think its universal aesthetic and historical value should be recognized and inscribed", I was relieved.

judgements judgments

Can you find another way to type this last sentence? I'm not sure what to do with it!
Standing on the stage, I witnessed a girl came all the way here, and would watch her go on.

:-) I'm glad you joined EF!!

Undergraduate / "willingness to help others" - I'm very happy with most aspects of my personality [3]

Yes, take away that first sentence and start with this one, which I love.
Always try doing that. The first sentence of what we write often does not contain the coolness of it. The first sentence is often a warm up. Let the reader figure out the details on her own. Just start with this:

I have the attitude that if I am able to help someone who needs it, I cannot justify not doing so.
You gave an impressive example.

You can also kill that last sentence. It is unnecessary baggage, dead weight weighing the essay down. It seems necessary, but actually the reader can figure it out on her own. :-) Kill the first and last!!

Undergraduate / My dad, a well experienced person, has made a big impact in my life [2]

Trim what is unnecessary:
He was and continues to be a positive role model as a father. He is an Engineering Graduate specialised in Mechanical Engineering and and working as a Sr. Workshop Manager for a Multinational company having many branches in the Middle East. (now add a thesis sentence. A sentence that conveys the meaning of the whole essay)

... language and language diversity play a large role in critical thinking and expression. Creative writers have the power to make the ordinary unique and the unique ordinary, making life interesting again. (join these 2 paragraphs together) In my case, my father is the one that starts

Don't repeat the word father so many times.

He always taught me to be positive and wisely wise.

I am confident that my father, being a well an experienced person who understands the present world, with his guidance, I will be able to succeed in my life and in my career. Wait, wait, let's make this last sentence better:

I am confident with guidance from this experienced person who understands the present world, I will be able to succeed in my life and in my career.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My Grandfather, focusing on health of others" - Common App Essay- Influencial Person [4]


You have to change this so that it sounds like HE was born in 1914, not his father:
Born in England in 1914, he had a father who was killed in France during ....
(The verb of the sentence has to be something he does because of that phrase with which you begin the sentence.)

He had has since passed away, but I learned from Grandpa some very important lessons of life.

If you can make room by cutting out some sentences from the first half of the essay, I think it will be great if you can lengthen that conclusion and really give a meaningful discussion of your outlook on the future. Get very precise about what you want to do in the next few years, and lengthen that conclusion.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / "She may have gone into.... , or [have] lost..." - sentence correction request [6]

It is true that they should match, but you ARE allowed to have one word (have) apply to 2 things instead of just one.

Like this:
She may have gone into work or lost her cell phone, so try sending her an email message.
(In that sentence, "have" applies to both "gone" and "lost.")

Again:
She may have gone into the basement or lost her ability to answer the door, because she never answers even though I keep knocking.

SO, it actually is okay to drop the second "have" as long as the meaning will be clear.
But if there are a lot of words in the sentence I would KEEP the second "she may have" for the sake of clarity:

She may have gone into an area where there is no cell phone service, or she may have lost her cell phone, or maybe the reason she does not answer is that she doesn't want to talk to me!

But still, it would be okay to do this:
She may have gone into an area where there is no cell phone service or lost her cell phone, or maybe the reason she does not answer is that she doesn't want to talk to me!

Undergraduate / "island to big city" & "single father" [3]

Another goal of mine includes becoming a Certified Public Accountant.----- Don't use "includes" here. You must be thinking of the kind of sentence where someone does this:

My goals include becoming an accountant and learning to juggle.
But don't write:
"Another goal includes..."

Actually, I don't think you should present your academic goal as "another" as though it is an afterthought. You talked a LOT about leisure activities. Why not talk all about your drive to contribute meaningfully to the success of responsible businesses, etc.? Talk about your intellectual and professional goals.

I think you should write with paragraphs that are 4 or 5 sentences long. One paragraph = one idea.

I don't know if weedwhacking is a good enough example to use... And I don't know if choosing to live with your dad is relevant enough. How about getting really focused on your professional goals, your vision for the future?

You have this theme of self-reliance, but that is an abstract concept. I would be more persuaded by this if you expressed specific interests, like you cannot wait to get involved in research in your chosen field. This is just a big claim that you value self-reliance----> "My father never woke me up in the morning, made me breakfast, packed my lunch or anything of that nature. He was more than willing but I wanted to be responsible and take care of myself." But when you were very young you needed help, and when we are sick we need help. Self-reliance is not the greatest thing. The most self-reliant people I know are the last people I think of when I need help, because they look out for themselves and believe that others should do the same.

If you want to keep this theme, read Emerson's Self-Reliance, and see if you might want to quote it. But I think you should focus a little more on your specific future plans.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Why You Shouldn't Get Excited on the Golf Course [5]

Why!? A question can be intriguing. I suppose it may seem "cliche" to start an essay with a question, but that is the only criticism I can think of for starting with a question.

Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]



hahah, this is the funniest thread ever.

Well, far be it from me to interfere; a marriage proposal is something to be celebrated.

Simbarashe, I am really impressed with the insightful ideas you give here...

Can't say I haven't ----confusing.
Today, at 18 years old, while I can proudly say that I don't wear Spider-Man underwear anymore, I should admit that I made a transition from action figures to Comic Books.

----melodrama origins which make Judy Garland's life look like the Grease musical--- yeah, I am not sure about this. Grease is melodramatic. I am not sure what you mean.

Add a sentence to the end of the first para to express why he is significant. Naming the character is not a thesis statement. But if you add a sentence to the end of that para it can express the THEME you are using which I like!!

I like the theme of looking to this superhero as an example of being yourself. But what will be your superpower that enables you to have confidence in who you are? Find time in this essay to discuss your superpower -- your area of specialization in your chosen field.

:-)

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

My brother told me that it is important to have the amplifier volume higher than the output volume on the guitar. Something about making sure the amp volume is able to accommodate the large output volume of the guitar. I don't really understand it. But it came to mind when discussing this with you. In this analogy, the amp represents... um.. nevermind, it was a bad analogy! ha ha, I am useless.


I would write this sentence this way:
"My confidence in this assertion grew as I mulled over past events."
I cut out "of my life" because the words are extra, cut out "with alacrity" because it is a phrase that functions like an adverb and I hate adverbs, and "recently" because it is an adverb and I hate adverbs. I keep mull because action verbs are awesome.

Ha ha... well, I don't know. You make a good point when you say the flowery words demonstrate your vocab and also sort of celebrate the beauty of language.

Undergraduate / "Spotlights and Steering Wheels" - Common Application Essay [5]

Instead of capitalizing "performer" put it in " " marks like I did here. That will show introspection rather than self-aggrandizement.

Also:

Although I could just as easily take center stage all to myself and devote all my efforts towards my own personal goal, I continue to choose to take the more difficult task of staying behind the scenes and choreographing the whole show. This sentence is probably not very helpful. I did not think anything of it until you raised this concern about seeming egotistical. Just replace this sentence with a sentence that says something humble. :-)

Undergraduate / "to grow as a student and as a person" - UNCW 2010 [2]

The word "this" should be followed by a noun, usually:
Through this process , I was able to have gain (action verb!) a true perspective of what my life would be like if I continued on the path to be a teacher; and I could not fathom wanting to do anything else.

This is very good! As you revise, spend time expressing your philosophy of education (google this: purposes of education list)

Also spend time demonstrating your knowledge of their program compared to similar programs and show that you really have spent a lot of time making your decision about attending this school.

:-)

Letters / cover letter for the postdoctoral position (in astronomy) [4]


I think it will look good if XXXXX, XXXXX, and XXXXX are three areas very relevant to the position for which you're applying. Are they?

With this kind of writing, it is most important to show that you are COMMITTED and ENTHUSIASTIC about specific areas of study that you are eager to explore. If you show that you are truly DRIVEN, the reader will want to choose you.

:-)

Graduate / "the need for academic knowledge" - MPH Program [2]

I was mesmerized to listening to their achievements, how passionate they were about their work.

Comma & capitalization:
...able to say, "With our...

At this point in my career I strongly feel the need for academic knowledge which will give me a competitive edge over other professionals and to gain knowledge of the factors which influence local, national and global legislative and social policies. ----I don't know how to explain this suggestion. I did not like the part about feeling a strong need to be more competitive... very wordy and vague.

I am enthralled by the possibility of working with researchers like Dr. Paul McDonald, and being a part of an institution so renowned for its researchers, who have achieved excellence in the evaluation of health status, statistical analysis of health data and the prevention of illness and injury.

If you mention McDonald, give some evidence that you are familiar with his work.

This essay has an abrupt start. As you continue to work on it, try to find inspiration for a meaningful, memorable theme that you'll express in the very first sentence... a sentence that maybe you should add prior to that current first sentence.

:-)

Graduate / A re-applicant to the NUS MBA Programme - list my achievements or write an essay? [6]


If you applied and did not get in, it is because of some lack of something or other. This essay should show that you have taken action to improve your preparedness. Show them that you are making a strong effort to improve whatever shortcomings you had in the past.

Show that you are particularly interested in a specific specialization, and show that you have been doing a lot of reading. That's my best advice! :-)

Don't just list achievements, but instead tell them about your view of this situation in which this program is a crucial stepping stone, and show that you know what your areas for improvement were and that you took proactive steps.

Undergraduate / "intellectual interests" - Cornell: College of Arts and Sciences. [2]

After the semi-colon, do not capitalize:
...t eachers did not made make the slightest attempt to explain why I should learn math, but only made me memorize everything.

Realizing that Math can be a fun subject, I opened my mind to it.---- at this point, half way through the essay, you have established that you now find fun in math, but it is time to move on to discussing specific concepts, specific intentions for the time you will spend in college.

I knew by experience that having a board filled with numbers and formulas would not help them learning, but would turn them into math-haters.----I see that you are indeed getting specific. And I like your promotion of this theme, "the math haters."

Using fractal dimension to achieve maximum efficiency in the antenna industry makes me marvel at the depth of Mathematics required (let's not keepo beating the point of how math applies. Let's just dive into talking about the specific interests you have.

Sometimes, I even think that the world is run by Mathematics. Now, instead of the old questions I had before, I have a new conundrum to answer: How far does Mathematics reach? ----very interesting! I would like it even more if it asked how far mathematics can reach in achieving a specific goal you have for contributing to society. Get specific! :-)

...my career as an applied mathematician.---is this really how you think of the career? I think of myself as a writer, but I also think I have to specialize. How will you specialize?

Undergraduate / "5 Rings, 3 Months, 1 Unforgettable Experience" -- Common App Essay [3]

Let's make this more accurate:
While After proudly proclaiming that I believe Singapore has one of the best road systems in the world, I was taken aback when my Dutch counterpart told me otherwise.

Human nature is such that we display prejudice towards opinions which do not align with ours.----This needs revision. It is not prejudice if our views are not aligned; it is disagreement. What you are trying to say is something a little subtler. When we are influenced by different cultural patterns and cultural influences on our identities, we may have a warped perspective.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly what the main theme is. I suggest choosing one theme and expressing it in a few different ways during the essay -- especially in the first and last sentences of paragraphs. What is the main theme? Express it in at least 4 different sentence at the start or end of paragraphs. :-) that's my idea for you. The essay it great, and I think this is all it really needs... a distinct main theme.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Sporting events easing international tensions, releasing patriotic feelings [3]

and help them being feel proud of their nation.
Irak Iraq

national proudness pride

This is very well written. Since you write almost entirely without error, I'll give you advice about the argument instead of about grammar: Try considering the alternate view; acknowledge what people would say to disagree with you, and then show how it is still better to think of sports as a beneficial thing instead of as a bad thing. This is called "refuting the counterargument."

:-)

Scholarship / Academic merit, career goals and potential contribution to your home country [3]

Well, you have your name here in the post, so they can see that the material is yours.

This essay needs a sentence added to the beginnign. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that first sentence. Starting with "Developing" lulls me into confusion. Can you add a short sentence before that long one -- an attention-getter?

I also advise adding a sentence at the END of that first paragraph. Make it a thesis statement that tells the most important message of the essay.

"Positive impact" is so ambiguous and general and vague! I think you should consider coming up with a new term to use, and replace the instances of "positive impact" with a new term.

Practical courses and access to state-of-the-art finance systems will offer me the solid understanding required for financial regulatory restructuring. ---Let's get specific and name some of them, and name some professors. Do even more research, and let your knowledge of the school be reflected in the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "rock balance"-my common app main essay [4]

My mother seduced enthralled me in this with a splendid, shining dark wooden piano.

came naturally .

Guitar cord was dropped once; the singer forgot his words; and the lighting had a litter malfunction. ----- what is happening in this sentence? It seems to need "The" at the beginning, and "little" and "chord" are misspelled.

All these incidents would mean serious trouble on a classical concert, but it actually added some twist on our stage--- very cool!

I think I just unlocked my potential for a happy and meaningful life.---just an idea...

This essay is great, because you create tension at the start and then it turns very powerful and great. I am so happy your mom's methods ended up empowering you instead of making you hate piano. :-)

Undergraduate / "the rapidly changing field of science" -My University of Illinois Admission Essay #1 [4]


Let's change the word learning to something else. It will be difficult to compete against applicants who have enjoyed learning since kindergarten. Let's change it to "research." (i.e. web research.)

capitalize Internet.

If you want to be a neurosurgeon, this essay should include references to some recent articles written by specialists in this field. It should be full of specific statements of intention... Right now, it seems superficial, because it shows how you sort of drift into philosophy and then neurosurgery. Spend a paragraph proving that you have read something more than Yahoo news... journals like Applied Neuropsychology and Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery, and Psychiatry.

If in the past year you have not read at least 5 recent articles from professional journals like these, you should select 5 and read them. Then, write a killer middle paragraph for this essay, and let it be full of evidence of your proactive effort toward catching up with what is going on in the field.

Undergraduate / "I want to become a child psychologist" - my personal statement. [9]

pierced ---- this is not the right word, I think! I like the sentence, but consider "stung" or something similar.

Okay, this is the first excellent sentence: Although they were excelling at this moment, I could not help but think about how they could wander off the path they were on right now. ------ excellent because it intrigues me as a reader.

Now get rid of the 2 mentions of heat vs. air conditioning. To heck with all that. :-) Condense that first para into 2 sentence so that my favorite sentence (above, about wandering off the path) can be in the first paragraph.

I was taught not to give in and to be persistent even if all the odds seem as they are against me you . They are only there to help you learn and use it later on.

Use this rule in writing: "less is more"
I want to become a child psychologist and I want to guide children along the path to success.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I saw a tragic accident" - UF admission essay-July 2007 [4]


Hello Friend, I'm glad you are participating. If you want to get people to look at your essay, just comment on THEIR threads and leave a link you your essay, asking them to come see it. We mods try to help everybody, but sometimes there are a lot of essays!! :-)


This part is not worded well. Salvage is a word used for material things...

"June 2007 was by far one of the most life changing moments I ever experienced. --- here is another sentence I hope you rewrite. Say something specific. What is the "magic word" that captures your insight from it? something more specific than "life-changing."

This essay lacks substance. This lacks substance: "because not only am I dedicated and hard-working, but I am also extremely responsible." This too: "It can be said that once I put my mind to something, I make sure that I do everything possible to reach that goal." ---- these are "typical" and cliched things to say.

I think you should add substance to this essay by inserting 3 excellent ideas about the academic program to which you are applying... in an essay you should MAKE CONNECTIONS. That means you should help the reader see how the experience of witnessing an accident can lead to specific insights about your chosen field, areas of specialization, etc. What is your major? Make a plan, and express it here.

If you have a solid plan for the future, it will be reflected in everything you write.
:-)

Undergraduate / UCF how my family influences my environment my personality and nature [4]

This sentence does not make sense:
My Family plays an enormous role in the ways of influencing my environment my personality and nature by only providing me with minimal confidence to succeed in a challenging environment .

I grew up in an environment where many people around me didn't care what their life would look like years from now, including my parents.---- oh, now this sentence would be a great first sentence to the essay, because it is so interesting... a bit negative, though.

it's not a choice for me not to succee d.---- This part does not make sense.

It seems distasteful to expound your strengths by using contrast against your parents, whom you portray as losers. Someone reading this essay has no reason to believe that your judgment is clearer than theirs; for all we know you could be a rebellious, unappreciative teen. Chances are, your parents are indeed the losers you make them out to be, because we losers who do not have "success" account for a large portion of the population these days, but... can you revise this essay to express a little about what you want to do professionally and what environmental influences drew your attention to that professional field?

Research Papers / Peter Pan Syndrome paper [4]

Hi, sorry it took so long to get a response. It is busy lately at EssayForum, with lots of unanswered essays to read.

Your intro is funny and cool. I would switch the words around like this, though:
Peter Pan Syndrome is not a condition recognized by the.... see the difference?

All of these put together create a troubled person who will most likely have social problems for a majority of his life .

Oh, I'm sorry for saying it was funny. I thought this was something you made up. I didn't know it was a real condition.

Here is a correction for your MLA:
right and wrong" (Kiley 65).-----no need for a period after "wrong" because it appears at the end after the parenthetical reference. You should fix every quotation so that there is no period until after the parenthetical reference.

...simply must not do" (Kiley 127).

Because of the conflicting household the PPS victim grew up in he usually has a skewed perception of how a relationship b etween a man and woman should be.

Undergraduate / Dance-my passion and my emotional outlet! (talents and strengths, academic and other) [5]


Boring first sentence :-(


Now, THIS is an intriguing first sentence!

my emotions, my soul, and my passion----- these are abstractions, not as powerful as one specific thing. I don't like the first or last sentence of the essay, but I would not want you to change anything about the rest of it. How about cutting that first sentence and revising the ending so that it emphasizes the theme of "something you do well" and maybe even makes a comparison between dance and your process of entering your chosen field.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Taiwanese and Americans" - Common App: "...what you would bring to the diversity..." [4]


This is funny and impressive.

Look at how I move the comma here. Use it to separate the 2 parts of a compound sentence. It is not necessary after "it."

I let them loose, and before I knew it the students were...

For some reason, using the phrase "For some reason" is a really nice touch here.

Humans often look through a culture-colored lens, and when they see something through a different lens, they realize they can have a richer life experience.---- Allison, this is as good as essays get. You should just proceed with confidence. I hope you share your knowledge about writing with other people here at EF, and check out EssayForum Contributor Page because we need lots of contributors who know how to catch that wave of inspiration.

Undergraduate / Rutgers Essay (My Experience Working in Theater) [4]


I think this prompt is wide open, allowing you the flexibility to focus on what is important. What message do you want to send?

The first message is: I am someone who when asked about myself first thinks of my experience working in Theater as a Sound Crew.

Next message: This person had a great learning experience due to working in Theater as a Sound Crew.

So now I am wondering if it is the best you can do. I don't think you really need the sentence explaining that one wrong word could mess up the play. In fact, I think this essay does not do justice to your merit as a scholar. You can condense this essay into 3 brilliant sentences, and make them part of an essay that is about other experiences that prepare you to contribute.

Keep the theme of communication, and write about other experiences that require good communication. Let them know that communication is what you will contribute, and mention it one last time at the end to make sure it is a memorable theme.

:-)

Book Reports / Contrast essay on the 2 faces of Delia Grinstead (to contrast Delia) [3]


one side at a time structure is also called "alternating."
Google this: Compare contrast essay alternating opposing
You will find some pages with excellent guidance.

Thesis statement is supposed to be "vague?" That is strange.

I like your use of the quote by Wilde.

If I keep this thesis statement then I have no real topic sentence for my paragraphs. Do you agree? Yes. The thesis you wrote is informative, but a thesis is supposed to contribute some original observation. It should be an argument that people will not necessarily agree with.

I think you could follow the expression more closely; not getting what you want is bad, and getting what you want is bad. Maybe you can find an original observation by looking for both of these bad things in the story.

If you make a thesis that is abstract enough to require explanation or controversial (i.e. arguable) enough to require defense, then you will have a need for those topic sentences you mentioned.

:-)

Undergraduate / University of Florida: The Person Who I Hate(d) the Most (Mr. H) [3]


Ryan, this is an example of that overuse of modifiers we were talking about.

Hi Carly,

This essay has that inspired energy that makes writing easy to read. I think it's great, and it doesn't need to include discussion of how you became friends, etc. Focus on the main message you are sending the reader.

Also, here is something I have been talking with Ryan about: too many modifiers. Adverbs are the worst:
I folded my arms tightly against my chest and glared defiantly at the ground as the most hated person in my life lectured me, yet again, about my education.

Read this sentence aloud without those adverbs, and see if the sentence seems stronger.

Again here:
I'm actually incredibly intelligent when I let myself be.

Also, simplify:
I've always strived I strive to embody those traits and would be honored to continue the Gator tradition of intellectual excellence.

Most importantly, I want to say that this has a great concept and that you are lucky to be one of the few who really know how to write with the sort of rhythmic energy of inspiration.

Essays / idea for meaningful place [3]

Hi Kathy, I think your problem might be the language and culture barrier. It is not your fault if the test is written in a way that is easier for some people to understand than others.

Your English is faulty:
I'm a CBEST practicer, and I ha ve failed the test more than 30 times. Two weeks ago, I took the test again and this time with no luck.

I 'm ashamed to confess, but don't know what to do...should I give up after 7 years of trying?

Maybe I can ne ver ever pass it. I can't think when I'm in the testing room. I'm so nervous and my mind go blank.

You should write an essay and let us correct the errors. EVERY time someone corrects a sentence and tells you how to write it correctly, practice it ten times! That means you should type it ten times and speak it aloud ten times. That is the only way to program the mind like a computer.

About a place that is meaningful, all you need to do is choose a idea you want to express. If I wanted to express an idea about self-discipline, I would write about the secluded place in the woods where I used to practice exercises. If I wanted to express an idea about what my grandfather taught me, I would write about a place in his basement where he taught me to build things.

Just think of an idea and a place to go with it. Post your essay here, and we'll help you find your errors.

:-)

Undergraduate / This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film [12]

Hi Michele, sorry, it is taking a long time to get through all the essays being posted. If you and your friend spend some time helping other people via the Unanswered list, it'll be a big help! :-) Things are busy around here from now until the end of the year.

I like the quote and the intro... that is top quality stuff.

Now how about this ambiguous sentence -- I want to create movies.
That could just as easily be a more meaningful sentence if you just add maybe a word or two. What idea do you want to plan in the reader's mind at that point in the essay? They don't care if some essayist wants to make movies. They will only care if you say something like, "I want to make movies that hurt to watch," or "I want to make documentaries that keep politicians honest," or some other specific or intriguing thing. Want to hint at an area of specialization?

Here is another area where I recommend a mega-dose of specificity: My film career goals in the simplest terms, is to be one of the top female directors in cinema history. I wish to create a legacy of excellence. I don't think Rodriguez found inspiration by trying to be the "top" something-or-other. This is not as inspirational as a sentence that expresses an intention associated with specific creative filmmaking projects. I think the way you revise this sentence will depend on the way you revise the sentence "I want to create movies."

How will you do it? Muster that inspiration! :-)