Undergraduate / "debating, a battleground of minds" - common app activity essay [3]


It would be better if you specified which kind of policy (i.e. education? economic? etc.)

after school (2 words)
debating after school to students to encourage young minds to...

corporation cooperation?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]


Right here, you switched to past verb tense, but I think you should keep it in the present tense.

In this sentence, it IS okay to use past tense:
There's a lot wrong with the field I played my first home game in -- but and it still managed to intimidate me.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Performing art in Centre Pompidou"-- Common activity essay [4]

The whole essay is great to read right up until I get to this sentence:
I knew it is being myself that is the real challenge and essence of art-and life, and now that I had the courage to do so, there was nothing to fear.

Present verb tense, and simplify:
I know it is being myself that is the real challenge and essence of art (and life) is to be myself, and now that I had the courage to do so, there is nothing to fear.

Book Reports / Essay - Impulsiveness: Romeo and Juliet [6]


Good idea. This sentence would be good to include in the intro paragraph, too, prior to making your thesis statement.

Like Eugene said, give some definition to Impulsiveness as it is being used in the essay, and then skim through the actions of the story to find examples of impulsiveness that meet your definition. Maybe by the time you are writing the conclusion, you will have a new definition to offer for the word impulsiveness.

Undergraduate / "What if i'm not an athlete?"---U of Michigan [7]

, nor a talented sports star who can monopolize five of eight gold medals in my school's sports meeting.

I came to recognize that despite not being a gifted sportswoman, as a member of the forum, especially one representing the original culture, I could and was obligated to play my part in the group, and that difference between us was not burden but something valuable, which was often called "diversity". --- this is a great sentence!

With the brand new comprehension, after a short yet sufficient preparation, we on the Chinese team set up classes on Tai Chi and Kong Zhu, also I performed Kungfu Tea at the art performance, by which made me popular among those who were longing for traditional Chinese culture.

Again I am not an athlete, but I feel that I am the one who has fully waded into sports.

Great ending... this essay is a work of art, very impressive.

Undergraduate / FSU - Consider him, he is smart he gets good grades [4]

Cool, Bethany! And for your effort to help this person, you deserve to have a lesson in strategic writing:

Look for the sentence you wrote that is going to make the reader want to do what you hope she will do. Which sentence is most persuasive?

I think it is this one: "He is smart he gets good grades but like i said give him a chance he has other colleges offering but he wont go to any but Flordia." I want to see if you are willing to rewrite this letter and MAKE THIS SENTENCE YOUR THEME.

They do not need to be told things they already know. Give what you have to offer. What you have to offer is YOUR perspective on the situation, and from your perspective you are able to see that he is interested in no colleges except this one. Tell them all about what you have observed and how enthusiastic he is.

:-)

Undergraduate / How the decision to take one class changed my life (FSU essay) [3]


nice!

This is why commas were invented:
Artes, the beauty of intellectual pursuits, is realized only after a strong character or mores is built. --- I added a word, too...

When I first read the topic of this essay, I thought, "Wh at have I done...

But after the sentence about mores being a prerequisite for artes, you need to give a sentence about your own life as an example.

Give more examples, more action verbs, more imagery words, and more discussion of your intentions for the next few years! The last paragraph especially needs to be developed more. :-)

Undergraduate / "First day of the Congressional Academy" - Gtown Short Essay and U of Mich supplement [8]


Well, the thing is, advice you get from me reflects my philosophy of writing. For beginning writers, it is important to take advice from someone like me so that they are not in the dark, but for you it is okay to use your own approach. You don't have to do it my way; I just tell you about my way to give you a different perspective.

But this is to sharpen the specificity of a sentence: ... I was preoccupied, because it was

And this is to sharpen the specificity of the whole essay: a sentence that sums up the main message of the essay, right here at the end of the first paragraph

So, my logic is about sharpening a piece of communication. If you sum up the message in a sentence at the end of the first para, it sharpens the communication.

But what does it mean to sharpen communication?

Anyway, the bottom line is that it is not necessary, just an idea. And if it would put you over the word count, it really is better to cut a sentence to make room.

Making Room
Actually, all your sentences are good and necessary, so you can't cut any! You would have to combine the last two sentences of the essay and make them more concise, and also make more room by making this part more concise:

Undergraduate / "I think about my upcoming life" - Overcoming a challenge, application essay for WPI [4]

I use 2:
I was more active and doing better in class -- and I was finally growing up. I was more motivated, and realized how important school was. I started to enjoy it again.

In microsoft word, doing that makes it appear as a dash instead of a hyphen.

Ha ha, you have a lot of questions. Well, the paragraphs do not seem too short.

But extend the first paragraph just a little:
I knew things would never be the same, but I didn't quite understand that it was all part of growing up.(add thesis sentence here, a sentence that conveys your most important message or theme)

Titles Are Meaningful
I think a title is always good. In fact, sometimes I even give my argument a title when I am talking to someone face to face. A title is a lot like a thesis sentence or a slogan. It is good communication to use a title.

Toward the end of the essay, use a term, word, or concept that you used in that thesis statement you are adding to the first paragraph. Some discussion of a concept that expresses your main idea is what will make the essay more powerful. I do think you are on the right track!

Undergraduate / "Battle with a mosquito" Stanford essay, intellectually engaged [4]

I couldn't believe it; I must have killed the annoying mosquito!
I had felt certain that I killed it!
(I don't know how to explain why I make this suggestion. Just see if you like it. It is confusing the way you wrote it, because "I must have" messes up the way I am thinking about what you mean.)

Enjoying myself Discovering the inherent connections among creatures, I know I have found what I love-experiencing the magic of life, and unveiling the mystery of life.--- excellent. I like it, and I think this concept is good enough to deserve to have at least a few more sentences written about it at the end!!

Essays / Ideas about creative essay about cooking [6]

Hey, Ryan's example is a meaningful one... it is great, because it shows a demonstration of how to muster some inspiration for this kind of thing.

You need to let your mind wander, pouring over the subject, and wait until you hear the voice of your mind say something that is rhythmic and intriguing: I burned my third chicken.'(Hell yes you burned your third chicken! This is an intro that compels me to read more.)

So, take Ryan's example and start by saying something UNEXPECTED!

Dissertations / Research Topic ideas in RF or microwave Engineering for Mphil/PhD [2]

Hello, I have to say I am feeling the same way about radio freq. and microwave topics. ---- It is something I am not interested in and that I don't know about.

Please try searching essayforum for terms related to your field, and see what you find.

You know, if you just collect 10 articles written in the past 5 years, you will see that many of them will have literature review, and that means they will summarize all recent research. When you real a few lit reviews, you will be very familiar with all that is going on, and if you still are not interested, consider trying a different field! :-)

Undergraduate / "interacting with western teachers" - Chinese and American education system [3]


First, I want to say that you write very well and that as a bilingual person you can help other essayists in ways I cannot. So... please give a few sentences of feedback to some other people after you read their essays! You gave only a line or two in the threads where you helped.

Next, I want to say that the sentence above is not a good way to end the first paragraph. At the end of the first paragraph, give a sentence that tells the main idea of the essay. Add a sentence to that first paragraph, and make it the THESIS STATEMENT.

Actually, I have a better idea! Combine all this as paragraph 1:
I tried to answer a question in my economics class. This incident in Phil's class convinced me that the responsibility for making the transition from the Chinese to the American educational systems lies with me, not my teachers. As a student, I didn't think I needed to change anything. I found I was wrong when I, in 11th grade, met my first western subject teacher-Phil. (add a thesis statement).

(paragraph break)
At first, things didn't ...

Undergraduate / "Leader: follow rules, stay focus and be a good listener" - am I on the right track? [3]

By Doing what you are told allows enables you to...

When you were in Elementary School being the leader meant making up games to play during recess, making ...

To be a good leader in today's society you will have to be willing to follow rules, stay focus and be a good listener. --- great sentence!

The quote "The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men, the conviction and the will to carry on" by Walter Lippman---- ahh! I hate the sexist word choice.

Great concept... the pathfinder concept is cool. Where did it come from?

Undergraduate / Personal and Professional Life Goals Essay: NCSU College Admission [2]


None of this needs to be included. This is what I think of as a "warm up exercise for writing." It is your reflection that should be edited out of the final draft. Let the essay begin with a bold statement of your goals.

No need to explain yourself this way: Describing all my goals would not fit into one paper so I have chosen my top three goals.

Your goals are important enough to be the focus. Introduce them in this intro paragraph. Introduce the actual goals, not the notion of human goal setting, etc.

Here is something else we do not need to be told: To succeed in any goal, one has to put forth their best effort.

I am going to be honest. This essay does not describe goals. It is a reflective discussion, but it focuses on concepts that should not be the focus. Here is the only part I like:

With a solid Engineering program, classes overflowing with information, and a high job-placement rate, North Carolina State University will help me complete almost all my personal goals.--- this is where the essay really begins. It is important for you to read some recent articles about (what kind of?) engineering, see what is going on in the field, learn about recent events in the eng. department at NCSU, and write about specific goals related to your chosen field.

Sorry to be critical... but it is important to treat this like a serious exposition of your career outlook.. almost like a research paper about your current aspirations and a declaration of what you have learned, what you are learning, and what you have been reading, etc... what you INTEND for your time in college.

Undergraduate / "Enriching my life in college" - Summer Bridge Program, why i am interested in it. [5]

Trim away the excess words:
The first day I started ninth grade, one of the school's guidance counselor came in to our first class and sang to us about our future.

At point in my life, I neither knew nor cared.

Did I want to be a psychologist? Perhaps a teacher? Maybe even a biochemist. --- these details are not necessary... they are just sort of random and redundant. As quickly as you can at the beginning of this, make your point and then end the first paragraph.

Then, continue the explanation in paragraph 2. As quickly as you can in para #1, tell them your INTENTION, and then end the first paragraph.

That is the most important change to make, I think.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the ritual of Labor Day weekend" - Significan Experience Essay - Common App [3]


hahaha! Cool...

Capitalize Internet.


You must have a misconception. You must think a particular kind of talent is necessary. Actually, music is just another form of communication. If you communicate something excellent through music... that is all it takes. You write well, and you know some chords, so write a song!

In that first paragraph, it is important to clearly establish the experience you are discussing... labor day, the lake house, the hot sauce festival... at the end, you specify "the overall experience" of all that... but I think you can NAME the experience in a creative way.

Undergraduate / "a club called the Celebrations Club" - Elaborate on An Extracurricular Activity [3]

hyphens:
in-the-know about what was going on at the school.

I would like it if you quoted one of the letters written about it! This has potential to be very impressive. It's great that you took this initiative and did something purely out of interest in making people happy. If you mention how this connects you your career intentions, it will be perfect. Is your intended career in any way similar to a celebrations club?

You can save some words:
In my ninth grade year In my Freshmen year of high school

Research Papers / American Goverment/ Poltical Important Essay Question [3]

Great job Caleb. That should get Moe started. Moe, did you get any readings assigned, or are you expected to use Internet research?

Just google the question. Did you know you can google questions like this and usually find the answers?

If you google around to find out all about the presidential election of the year 2000, you'll find lots of info. Write one paragraph about what you discover. You'll suddenly be half way through the process of completing your assignment.

Undergraduate / Horrible Mcdonald's story's (Persuasion through personal narrative essay) [3]


This does not make a restaurant bad, and it does not make service bad. It seems like a poor argument when you say McDonalds has bad service, because there are many different stores with different kinds of employees. Most importantly, though, do not embarrass yourself by making this prejudicial statement above.

Don't switch from past tense to present tense: I was hanging out at a friends house with some other guys. We decide to go to McDonald's for a Redbox. We get his older sister to drive us over there.--- stick with one verb tense.

The biggest mistake of the essay is the comment about whether people speak English, but the second biggest mistake is talking about "McDonald's" as though this store in your town represents the service at all McDonald's stores.

Undergraduate / Backpacking and how it helped me define myself- UC Prompt [10]

Yes, definitely use 2 paragraphs next time. I should have made that suggestion in a previous post... The purpose of paragraphs is to communicate effectively, one idea at a time.

So, for each paragraph you write, the reader should have a particular experience. Artfully use paragraph breaks when you want to emphasize an idea (i.e. for example, the idea I expressed above "one idea at a time" was important enough that I skipped a line before writing "So, for each..."). I do a paragraph break whenever I make a point I want the reader to consider for a moment. And when I speak, sometimes I do a "dramatic pause" for the same reason. It is a good habit for a communicator to be in! Never write without using paragraphs.

Undergraduate / "Riding horses" - my University of Florida application essay [13]

In the first sentence, I think you should replace the word but with the word and.


Can you use a different word... you already used the word "haul"

I think it gets better and better toward the end of the essay. I really kind of wish this sentence was at the beginning of the essay, so that it is the first sentence the reader sees:

I knew by the end of my first western reining lesson that horses were going to change my life forever. ---Do you want to try moving that to the beginning so that it appears before the first sentence?

:-)

Writing Feedback / PAPER ABOUT HALLOWEEN (A RITUAL in a SOCIAL-CULTURAL KEY) [3]

I'll change crave to desire, because "crave" is usually used with an object of craving... for example, I might crave chocolate or I might crate the attention of others. Someone can crave the feeling of being sexy, but for this sentence I think you can just change it to "desire" and it will sound better:

First of all, women desire to be sexy, while guys just want to be funny and creepy.

So, Halloween costumes have become "what do most men/women want to see the opposite sex dressed up as?" ---Ha ha ha... you make a very good point!

It is no surprise that a shallow, non-intellectual sexual object is desired by men, and a character that can make them laugh is desirable for w omen.

In conclusion, We can neither pretend that Halloween still has its full religious significance today, nor can we just label it as a blatantly ...

The ending is very impressive.

Writing Feedback / Important as classes and libraries are for students, health and social skills are also the keys [5]

As important as classes and libraries are for students, health and social skills are also the keys for them to successes their success.

Plural: As social animals , however, people's abilities are not only reflected in grades but also shown in pract ical application.

My friend Tom has made such great progress in his studies since he joined a surfing club.

If people want to get more improvement during their time at u niversities and colleges, they should regard the two methods as equal and combine these two ways. Therefore, sports and social activities should be considere d as important as classes, and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Most advertisements make products seem much better than they really are? [5]


You should add the word "seem" to this sentence.

Here is a part that I will change slightly, so that the grammar will be correct:

It was publicized that if there is Tide, then there can be no dirt or stain. My mother was impressed by this slogan and bought one. The result was that she discovered that the advertisement had exaggerated. This kind of washing powder cannot make clothes as clean as the advertisements suggested . what it is publicized.

Scholarship / Services to country, working, interest in science - why I deserve a scholarship? [4]


I don't think this is necessary to include. It is better to say you loathe instances of mediocrity in your own work. If you say "loathe failing a test," it gets the reader thinking about you as someone who fails tests.

The task involved late nights, early mornings , and even weekends nose deep in my textbooks.

This statement is too obvious: Studying is by far one of the most important skills required to be successful during school...

I have a sense that showing how much you "deserve" the scholarship is best accomplished by showing that you have a clearly envisioned, detailed plan for contributing meaningfully in the near future to your chosen field, to society, etc. So... can you include some more discussions of your intentions for the future?

Undergraduate / "Spotlights and Steering Wheels" - Common Application Essay [5]

Use a comma for separating dialogue from the rest of the sentence:
Someone from the technical team shouts, "We've ...

This has a great theme, and I like the weirdly interesting last sentence of the essay.

I guess the way to improve it is to decide what message you want the reader to remember and make that message very clear. When you describe prayer, it makes it seem like the essay is about spirituality; when you describe "showtime," it makes it seem like the essay is about theater arts; there are lots of little ideas that try to be the theme, but you get to choose one theme that you should preserve while cutting out all other distracting details. Let your theme stand alone, surrounded only by ideas that support it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "shouldering my father's responsibility" - Most significant life achievement [7]

My father's hope of providing best education and better life for his children might have blown up in thin air.

My proudest achievement was not a solitary event but a bundle of joy---Maybe you should choose a different expression. People often say "bundle of joy" when talking about a baby. I don't know why they use the expression that way!

... delivered over the years. I chose a positive and constructive path by shouldering my father's responsibility. -----Hey, I have an important suggestion. I think you should change shouldering to sharing. If you say you shouldered his responsibility, you sound like you are bragging about having to do what he could not do... but if you say you SHARED his responsibility, it sounds more humble.

I guided them transform into independent, successful and responsible individuals. This sentence is a good one to cut from the essay. It seems wrong, because whatever kinds of individuals they transformed into are the results of what they did and not what you did... I don't know how to explain what I mean, but I don't like this sentence! :-)

My life is richer now, surrounded by a close-knit family which is the only continuous thing (can you think of a different word?) in my life. I am confident of about reaching many milestones, but this one will always remain close to my heart."

Undergraduate / The values of knowledge and leadership - Yale supplement essay [7]

You need to end the sentence and start a new one:
There are no real prizes for those who answer correctly and win the round while competing with another team. The only prize one gets is knowledge.

Same thing here:
"You have one minute to answer." This is what each team hears after a question has been read.
Or you can do this:
"You have one minute to answer," is what each team hears after a question has been read.

This sentence needs a subject:
Registered myself as a team captain and build up a team.
I registered myself as a team captain and built up a team.
I like it this way:
After registering myself as a team captain, I built up a team.

You have a great way of writing! It doesn't matter if there are some errors; your intelligence and talent for language are obvious.

Writing Feedback / Internet provides massive amount of uncensored information which may includes antisocial materials [3]

Usually "among" is followed by a noun that is plural: great concern among the people of society.--- This way, I have a plural noun (people) following, "among," so it is a little better.

...interfere with other countries ' internal affairs . For instance, some foreign

Use THE with INTERNET:
The Internet helps pushing the...

The Internet is overwhelmed by...

There is a strong possibility that in the foreseeable future, there will be nothing called "cultural diversity ." This is probably synonymous with the extinction of many nations because culture is the core value of a society.----Good sentence!

Use THE:
The young generation of people who have not matured yet should participate in ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Success + Bright, Bold and Beautiful - uc admission, personal statement [8]

SupernewtJR made a good correction for this part: The day after my older sister's graduation, I started thinking about my future and asked myself, Will I be successful?--- here, I used italics to achieve the same purpose. You can choose whichever way you like, with quotes or italics.

Keep the verb tense consistent: affects -----> teachers (present tense) My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan, affects my future career goals in a positive way. He teaches me that success...

comma:
Yellow is a bright, beautiful color.

I like the theme of the "yellow" essay. Great job... I think it is more memorable and interesting than the other essay. The first essay is sort of typical, covering concepts that are common in this type of essay, but the "yellow" essay and its discussion of colors associated with types of people... that is good stuff!

Undergraduate / "Interest in Brown because I love hills" short anwer. [4]

I love Brown because I love hills. ---- interesting!!

I have mountain biked with my dad and twin brother since age nine. I think this part is actually unnecessary. When I think of the point of your essay, it seems that this detail is sort of distracting...

Like intersecting mountain bike tracks, Brown students pursue their own vistas while being inspired by the paths of their peers.--- this theme is great... abstract enough to really interest the reader. It's a good idea! You can compound this with another theme if you find a way to extend the comparison so that it somehow includes the larger process of finding your vein in the rock of your career.

Research Papers / What ancient societies would think of "bettering yourself". [6]


That's funny...

Well, this is very well written, and you seem to be a methodical thinker, keeping each part of this structured in a way the reader can easily follow. The thing that seems to be missing is citations. Did you get this info from a text book? It would be good to quote a passage or two and also cite the name of the author. This might not be required in your class, but it would make the essay more impressive if you mentioned the source of info every time you state a fact to support what you are saying.

Undergraduate / "How 'Vires' has been reflected in my life." FSU prompt [4]

I would like to shave off the first 2 sentences.
is such a powerful motto that Florida State University has. This motto has stuck with me since I took my Latin class two years ago. It unites strength, arts, and intelligence. Even though Vires, Artes, Mores...

This way, it gets right to the point. The previous intro was wishy washy.

My strength is truly ------ if you say "truly" it is like saying "I really really mean it," but this is not the way to write something memorable. Make this memorable by adding some specific ideas that are unique to you, things that characterize you... and here is the secret: focus on your ideas that are related to the interests you have in a particular professional field.

Right now, I see 3 ideas: the topic of the death in the family, the topic of football, and the topic "determination and will power to fight for the things you require in order to thrive"...

It will be better if you come up with some ideas that will make this essay really insightful... share an insight that makes you want to learn about the field you plan to enter. I know the essay is supposed to be about how the virtues are reflected in your life, but the most important part of your life with regard to this application is your intention for college & career.

Graduate / "my new attempt to scale new heights" - SoP for MSc in Finance [5]

Yes! I found one that I had not noticed:
The re putations of the University and the Business School represent the second most essential factor for my consideration; _ ___and _____ are both highly recognized in the World.

:-) Don't worry! The way you write is impressive.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay On A fictional Hero - Feedback on Mechanics. [3]

who posed possessed many abilities unknown to human kind.

...with her aunt and was destined to never know who she was until the day came when all was suddenly revealed.

"I know you... you are just like me. You're a special. I can see it in you."

comma:
"Hey there, I knew I would find you here again," sa id Stephen who was sitting at the bench of the park they had met eachothere at.

Stephen was kidnaped then murdered by a criminal after he had brought the criminal's sister to trial.--- ah! That was unexpected...

Fix your spelling of aunt... not "ant."

I don't know if it is good to start with "Once upon a time." Start with a concise intro paragraph, and end that intro paragraph with a THESIS STATEMENT that tells the main idea of the essay... not the main idea of the story, but of the essay. Your essay has to have a particular MAIN IDEA that it expresses about the story. Write about that main idea at the end of the first para.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the most important path in life" - Vires, Artes, Mores, Florida State Prompt [3]

The first sentence is not quite right... seems to be missing some words. But the thing is, I do not think that first sentence is good enough to be worthy of the rest of the essay. It is sort of obvious... vires, artes, and mores cover just about everything, so of course they can cover your philosophy. They are a MODEL for thinking about life, and any person could say the three words capture her or his philosophy.

Know what I mean? So read the essay as you have written it and see if you can think of a perfect intro sentence.

I am a talented athlete with intentions to participate in intramural football, basketball, and baseball in college. Intellectually, I strive to be the best, meeting challenges head-on. Let's not try to tell them everything. Just choose one of the three, and write about it... go deep into it, and use your life experiences to help explain it. Explain your deep understanding of one virtue, and include a lot of thoughtful reflection. Share the best insights you have to share.

A Latin saying that I learned at a very young age, "Age Quod Agis Bene", defines the work ethics I live by: "Whatever You Do, Do Well". --- this is very good!! When you are revising the essay, focus on this and related concepts. Make it so that the essay you write has a memorable main idea.

Undergraduate / "The EMS radio" - Common App, Sign Exp [3]

comma:
It's only noon, and patients on stretchers line the hallways.

After my shift had ended and I was headed heading out of the ER, I overheard the nurses talking about the woman.

Alright... this is very well written, and the experience is impressive. I'm jealous! I think this will make a good impression, for sure, but 1.) I do not like the last sentence. 2.) I think the intro paragraph should be divided in half, with the first half forming an intro that ends with a thesis statement. 3.) a conclusion paragraph should be added, written based on the MEMORABLE CONCEPT introduced in the thesis statement.

:-)

Undergraduate / Reading, bike riding, studying - Ohio State University Entrance Essay [4]


This sentence does not answer the question raised in the sentence that precedes it. "exactly where" does not say anything. What is the real answer to the question?

All you need is to be able to envision yourself learning the subjects that you want to learn at this school, in its particular program... with the professors, some of whose names you surely know.

Know what I mean? Show that you have a vision of the future.

This is not a goal: excel in management information systems. A goal needs to be more specific.

So... get detailed about how you see your future! :-)

Undergraduate / "Being a Twin" - College Application Personal Essay [11]

This is really interesting to read! I wanted to ask you... what is it like being a twin?

Just kidding.


Add the verb "is" to this sentence.


hahaah well written... I like it.

A total stranger will come up to you--- do not switch from saying "I" to saying "you." It is better to avoid saying "you."

Oh... cool ending. So... what is the main idea of this essay? It is strange that you choose to write about it if it is something that you are sick of talking about. Anyway, how about "how it shaped you as a person" who is going into a particular profession? Write a little about your outlook on the future. Are you and your brother both serious about your chosen fields? If so, you are developing new identities and soon will be completely different from one another. You are what you do.